Original subtitles

RON: Thank you, Tucson!

RON: Come on! There's no time. Shoot the ball!

SPORTSCASTER: This one's over, folks.

You're over, you alkie has-been.

Shoot the ball!

Shoot the ball!

Oh, Robby.

What are you doing? Change it back!

Save it, Bigfoot.

You work for me, and I want to watch BMX Wipeouts.

Ha!

He fell. Didn't see that coming.

Uh, okay, I don't work for you.

This is a partnership based on mutual respect and...

Just give it!

SPORTSCASTER: Unbelievable! What a comeback!

I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say

that was the greatest six seconds

of basketball ever played!

Oh. Did you hear that?!

Yeah, it's over. Switch it back.

(bees buzzing)

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Why does everybody want to scream around my bees?

What the hell

are you doing in there, Gary? It's my project for the science fair.

I'm trying to use music instead of smoke

to tranquilize the bees.

It's more environmentally responsible.

No, no, no. You can't have bees in the bathroom.

Why not?

Because they're bees in the bathroom.

Well, I'm sorry, but I'm in the middle of an experiment.

I can't just take them out now.

Fine. I'll go upstairs. Uh, no can do.

There's bees up there listening to Neil Diamond.

I've got to go to the bathroom, Gary.

What do you want me to do?

Okay. You have two minutes,

but it's a fragile ecosystem in there, so go easy.

Go easy.

(bees buzzing)

Hey. I got your laundry.

Oh, good.

It's all wet.

Gary found your clothes in the dryer,

which you're not supposed to use.

Oh, that bumpy, red butt-rash.

I know, and I tried to fight for you, too, but he showed me

the deal memo.

It's all there in black-and-white.

You know what?

You can tell Gary, he's...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, it's Gina.

Who's Gina?

My ex-girlfriend, the one that got away.

I never told you about her?

I don't think so.

She dumped me, man.

She ripped out my heart, and stomped on it,

and then she drove over it with a truck,

and put it in the garbage disposal, and...

(imitates whirring)

But I'm over that.

That's sunscreen.

I know, I know.

Still does the job. Oh!

You're good.

Okay, good. Hey!

Hey. Oh, hey.

Yeah. She always said I'd never get my life together.

But the joke's on her, man,

'cause I'm a successful father of three with my own house.

Except the house is ours, and we pay you to be our dad.

Ah, make yourself scarce, Brandon.

Hi. One second, Gina. Just on a business call here.

Yeah. Hey, Marty, sorry about that.

Listen, I'm really flattered, but, uh, you know,

how many museum boards can one guy be on?

You know, why don't you give another overachiever a shot?

(tones sounding over phone) FEMALE VOICE: We're sorry.

If you'd like to make a call...

That's... Stupid phone.

Marty's gonna be really pissed. Yeah, he will.

What are you gonna say at the Governor's Ball?

Well, same thing I always say.

"Governor, you have the best balls."

(laughs)

He likes that.

Oh, I've missed you so much.

Look, I only have a minute.

I'm on my lunch hour, but I tried to call you,

but they said that your phone number had been disconnected.

Mm-hmm, yeah, yeah, they would have said that

because, uh, when I bought my new house,

I had to ditch the cell phone, move up to a land line.

Couldn't get reception in my house, you know?

All the Wi-Fi and security systems

and steam showers, and microwaves, what have you.

Not to mention

the climate-controlled wine cellar

in the basement of my house.

So, you have a house now?

Yeah, I don't really like to talk about it, though.

Let's just say I've been blessed... with a house.

(laughs) You could always cheer me up.

Mm.

I kind of really need that right now.

Why? What's the matter?

Oh, God, it's a... it's a whole thing.

Um, can we, like, meet later for drinks, talk about it?

Yeah. Yeah, great, yeah, totally.

You know where we could meet? Your house?

Oh, you heard about that, huh? Yeah, word gets out.

Yeah, that'll be fine.

We'll meet at my house. No problem.

So, uh, let me write the address down here for you.

I'll see you later. Okay.

(sighs)

(grunting)

How can you be so friendly with your ex?

When Julie broke up with me last week, it was, like,...

Wait. What? Who's Julie? Hello?

My soul mate.

Oh, I had no idea it was so serious.

Man, after ten days, you think you know somebody.

Okay, stop, stop.

I'm gonna set you straight right now, okay, dude?

Love is a game, and you are playing that game all wrong.

All right? It's like, uh,...

(sighs)

Here we go. Perfect.

It's like this.

A bathroom key?

No, Dumb Dumb.

Pay attention, all right?

Love is like a game of tennis, okay?

If someone serves you up heartbreak, like Julie or Gina,

all you got to do is-- eye on the ball...

Boom! Smash it back at them with a cross-court winner.

I could never do that.

Yes, you can, and you have to.

You got to return the pain,

just like I'm going to return the pain with Gina tonight.

Okay? Watch and learn.

Okay. But can I use that?

No. This is a metaphor.

No, I have to go to the bathroom.

Oh, okay. Well, then, just FYI-- you got to jiggle the metaphor.

Sometimes the door sticks.

That a boy.

You are doing great things, Ron.

(knocking)

Oh.

(clears throat)

Oh, hi.

I was just reading in my study. Oh.

I see you still have the same prescription.

(laughs) Yeah. Touché.

So, come on in.

And as you can see, the house that I spoke about is very real.

So, do you have a fun lie to explain all this,

or should I just ride this train? No, no, no.

No. I assure you there's a perfectly good and legitimate...

Oh, hey, martinis.

Uh-oh.

All aboard.

Chugga, chugga, chugga.

There you go.

Uh. Could just get you a bottle and a straw.

(laughs) It's that bad, huh?

Yeah.

It's my boyfriend.

He's such a jerk.

Hmm. I'm sorry to hear that.

At first,

I thought it was fun

dating somebody so good-looking and put-together, you know?

It was a totally new thing for me.

Well, I wouldn't say totally new.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Honey, no, I didn't mean...

(laughs) No, no, you're adorable.

Thank you. You are, but this guy is just...

He's gorgeous.

Okay.

And that's the problem. He knows it.

All he cares about are his looks,

and he eats less than I do.

I hate that.

Yeah, we never really had that problem, did we?

That's something I worked on really hard for you.

And he's so worried about getting his beauty sleep

that we hardly ever have sex.

(laughs) Yes!

Yes, that... that would be tough

on any relationship.

We've just...

We've just been drifting apart,

and I feel so fat and ugly around him.

And lately, I've been crying in the bathroom at night.

And you know me. I never cry.

I just... I feel so bad sometimes...

Is there a boy

on your stairs watching us?

RON: Oh, him. Yeah.

He, uh... He sort of came with the house.

Go on.

Hi.

(techno music plays, bees buzzing) Huh.

Interesting.

The techno music agitates them more than the death metal.

It's driving me crazy.

Put Megadeath back on.

I don't get it.

They haven't stung you once.

Why aren't they stinging you?

Maybe they think I'm their leader.

They already have a queen.

And now they have a king.

...so with their dad in jail, it was pretty much up to me

to keep these little angels out of foster care.

Would it be easier not

to care as much? Probably.

But that's not who I am. How much are they paying you?

$300 a week. Is that good? Do you think that's good?

I feel like the negotiations got rushed a little bit.

BRANDON: I think they were fair,

considering your resume was

on the back of a fish taco menu.

You know, in-in a

really weird way, I envy you.

That's not weird. I mean,

okay, what you're doing is inappropriate

and probably illegal...

Hmm.

...but you found a way to be needed.

That's, that's all I want.

That's really all I want.

BRANDON: That's all I want, too.

See, I have this thing with this girl

Julie, and she made it pretty clear

that I was not welcome...

We're talking about me now.

Look, I know that when we dated, I always complained

that you were a complete disaster, but...

(clears throat) ...at least I felt like I had a purpose.

You know?

It was like working for FEMA.

I, uh... I think complete disaster is a little harsh.

I prefer adorable mess.

I'm completely lost with this guy.

Yeah. That-that's exactly how I feel with Julie. Still me.

RON: You know what you should do?

You should move.

You should move out. You should just move right out.

Don't think about it. Just move. Now. Move.

You really think so?

Yes, all right, and look.

I'm not trying to make him the bad guy here,

but I really think you need some time alone

to figure out if you want to be with this pathetic jackass.

Well, maybe I should move out.

I mean, think about it.

Isn't that really why you came over here tonight?

I mean, you knew that I was gonna tell you

to move out, and that would be the impetus you needed.

Plus, you had to see my house.

I'm gonna do it. Yeah, you are.

Yeah, you are, and you know what?

I'll tell you what else.

Me and the boys-- we're gonna help you.

We'll do it Saturday before you change your mind.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna do it.

Mm. Wow.

Thanks, Ron.

I knew you were the one to talk to.

Can I use your bathroom?

Yeah, it's right down the...

Uh, no. I'm sorry. No.

On second thought, use the one upstairs.

There's a butt load of angry bees

listening to disco in that one.

Why?

Science.

(sighs)

Wow.

You are the master.

You have her right where you said you would--

lobbed up and ready to me smashed.

Congratula... We're getting back together.

...tions.

*

I don't get it.

Whatever happened to returning the pain?

Ah, you know what? Just forget all that stuff

I said about love being like tennis, okay?

I pulled it out of my ass.

So, love isn't a game?

Oh, no, no. Oh, no, no, no. No, it is.

It is definitely a game.

It's just... It's a different game.

All right?

You know, sometimes you don't even know

what sport you're playing

till you're right in the middle of it.

For example, it turns out that I was fishing, okay?

(imitates whirring)

All that boyfriend talk?

That was her just circling my bait.

Circling my bait.

All right?

Then I wiggle my bait to get her attention.

And tomorrow, I'm gonna set the hook,

and I'm gonna reel her in nice and slow.

Maybe you should be writing this down.

Yeah. Wait a minute. Now you want Gina back?

Yeah, I want her back, man. You saw her.

Gina's a solid eight. If I don't lock that thing down,

I'm looking at a lifetime of fours and fives.

(sighs)

Julie's a ten.

It's not a competition. Okay?

But, hey, listen, if I can get back together with Gina,

there's no reason you can't back together with Julie.

Yeah? You really think so?

Absolutely.

So, hey, this, uh, Julie chick.

Talking a Tucson ten, right?

So like a New York six?

It's not bad.

(country music playing)

(video game whirring)

Robby, what are you doing?

This is a noise-controlled environment!

So, shut the hell up.

What's the matter with your bees, anyway?

Did the music tranquilize them?

It did something.

It looks like they were giving each other piggyback rides.

That's impossible. They're all males.

They must be fighting.

Or hugging each other to death.

Oh, my God!

Robby, this is like a major, new discovery!

Your stupid video game music combined with Texas swing

at half speed turns bees gay!

RON: Okay, come on, gang.

Gotta move Gina out before jerk face comes home from work.

Oh, yeah, and then we'll get you to your little school thing, all right, Gary.

I am totally going to win the science fair tonight.

I turned my bees gay.

Mm, wouldn't get too excited about it.

They might just experimenting.

Like in bee college.

All right, come on, let's go.

Give them some privacy.

Come on.

Wow.

No chance your ex

is in the trophy-making business, is there?

Ugh, it's so embarrassing.

He's ranked number six in the state in Muay Thai.

It's kind of like kickboxing, but a lot more violent.

Right. Okay, guys, come on, let's move.

Gina doesn't have all day. Move, move.

Is her boyfriend a superhero?

No, he's not a superhero!

He's more like a super show-off.

And he's not her boyfriend anymore.

But his sword is so cool.

Take this down to the truck. Go.

Come on. Go, go, go, go.

(sighing): Okay.

All right, now it's time for the tricky part.

I'm gonna reel her in now

but I gotta be super careful she doesn't slip the hook.

Okay?

Gonna play it cool.

Super-duper cool.

Watch.

Oh, God.

The Say Anything poster.

Remember when you gave me that?

Yeah.

I couldn't bring myself to get rid of it.

I love you.

What?

Tube. I love YouTube.

I love YouTube. I love it so much.

Have you seen the clip

of the monkey and the dog playing the piano?

It's only like a couple simple chords

but they really-- they work it out.

It's good.

That's, that's funny.

It's right there on your computer.

That's great.

What was that? Embarrassing.

That's what it was. I know, I know.

Man, I was on the one-yard line, I almost fumbled.

Fumbled? I thought you were fishing.

Try to keep up, okay?

The game is football, young man,

and I'm calling an audible.

Don't listen to him, Brandon.

He's not even in the game.

He's more like a drunk fan yelling at the TV.

Oh, yeah? You know what I'm yelling?

"Shut up, Gary!"

Get.

Almost done.

Oh, okay, time to put it in the end zone.

Watch this.

Hey, hey, so check it out.

I'm was thinking about heading down to Buster's Burgers,

picking up a veggie burger with spicy chili, no tomato.

Oh, God, I love those.

Do you really? How'd I know that?

Lucky guess, huh.

All right, so listen,

Gary and Robby are gonna clean up the rest of the stuff.

Brandon and I will be right back, okay?

Okay.

Oh, wait, let me buy you lunch.

You guys have been working so hard.

No, no, no, no. Hey.

It's my treat. Please.

Thank you. You're welcome.

You know what? On second thought,

you might want to kick in 20.

Buster's ain't cheap.

Thank you very much.

Should cover it.

(sighs) You're not helping, Robby.

GINA: Danny! DANNY: What's going on?

I just got your text. Are you serious?

Calm down, Danny. Calm down?!

How am I supposed to calm down?

This is like a throat punch to my heart.

Oh, my God. He came back.

Quick, let's hide in the closet.

Go ahead, Nancy.

I'll fight him off.

DANNY: You can't leave.

You can't.

I have a weigh-in next week,

and you know I binge when I get depressed.

Do you remember what happened

when we watched The Notebook?

Oh, Danny.

Okay, we'll only have one shot at this.

You hit him high with the throwing stars,

and I'll take out his legs with the nunchaku.

Shh!

DANNY: You're right.

I've been so caught up training for Nationals,

I totally lost sight of what mattered to me most.

That's you, baby. You're my whole life.

GINA: Oh, Danny.

Boys? "Boys?"

What boys?

The mover's helpers.

Um, I think they must've gone with him

to get lunch or something.

Oh, come here. Oh.

(both moan)

You know what? You know what?

Let's just-- let's wait until tonight.

'Cause they're gonna come back and... Come here.

Oh, okay. (moans)

GINA: Oh!

(Gina moans, kissing continues)

GINA (moaning): Oh, Danny.

Ooh!

Oh, my!

(both laughing)

(Gina moaning and gasping passionately)

(Gina screams)

(whispering): Oh, my God!

He's killing her!

Hey.

Who's hungry?! GARY: Uh, wait.

Ron, don't go up there!

Why not? ROBBY: Should we tell him?

No.

What? ROBBY: Gina's back with her...

New attitude.

She's sassy now, and people are loving it,

but she had to go to the post office.

So... The post office?

Then why did I have to sneak out

with your hands over my eyes? What?

I have to go.

I'm gonna be late for the science fair.

You promised you'd drive me.

I know, I will, I will. I will.

Uh, no, you know what? This is good.

Yeah, this is good.

Let's let her marinate in Ron juice for an hour or so.

Have her eating out of the palm of my hand.

Well, she is working up an appetite.

Hmm? Uh, nothing.

Okay.

*

Oh, this is a great day, huh, guys?

I'm feeling so good, I actually might come in

and check out Gary's gay bees.

I still don't get it. That Danny guy seemed so tough.

How did he let her get on top of him?

Robby!

What?

She was totally winning when we left.

What's he talking about?

Nothing.

Did Danny came back? Hey, what's going on?

Is Gina back with Danny?

Oh, God. Ron?

Oh, God. Ron? Ron?

Oh, my God. Ron.

My God. Ron!

Oh, God. Oh.

Oh, God!

(horn honking) Ron!

What are you doing?

We have to get to the science fair.

I can't hear you.

You can't just give up.

Oh, I really can.

You'd be surprised how easy it is.

No you can't.

This isn't just about you anymore.

If it doesn't work out for you,

then what chance do I have with Julie?

What am I supposed to do?

You gotta fight for her.

You gotta go all in.

Go all in?

Yeah. This isn't football anymore.

You understand?

It is poker.

And the stakes are your heart.

Poker, huh?

So you're saying change the game.

It's worth a shot.

Gary, I'm sorry, I have to do this.

GARY: No! No!

I have to get to the science fair.

I'm making history!

BRANDON: All right.

I'll get the music.

Robby, set up the boom box.

Ron, get the poster. Gary, you sulk.

RON: All right, game time, boys.

Let's do it.

*

Come on, come on, download.

Got it. Robby!

* ...Without my pride

* I reach out from the inside... *

Ron?

* In your eyes

* The light, the heat

* In your eyes *

* I am complete

* In your eyes *

* I see the doorway

* In your eyes *

* To a thousand churches

* In your eyes *

* The resolution...

What are you holding?

Somebody packed my glasses.

Um...

you guys didn't happen to bring an extra veggie burger, did you?

* I see the light and the heat

* In your eyes * * The light the heat...

(song stops abruptly) No.

Hey, buddy, you want to start bringing Gina's stuff back in?

Gina changed her mind.

I know what you're thinking.

Guy like me, almost lost a chick.

(keyless entry remote chirps) What, are we on planet earth?

(sarcastic chuckle)

I'm really sorry, Ron.

Come on.

(claps hand) Chop chop.

I hope she's not paying you by the hour.

(blows raspberry)

Gary. No!

I still have time to turn in my exhibit.

Judging doesn't close until 9:00.

(sighs) Fine!

I guess I can turn bees gay next year.

Let's do it.

Wow, nice car.

Thanks. Don't touch it.

I just got it detailed.

I think I saw a scratch on the, uh, front left fender.

What?!

(bees buzzing)

(sighs) So long, Nobel Prize.

There's no scratch.

Hey, you kids, stay the hell away from my ride.

Okay.

(engine starting)

(techno music blasting)

(tires squealing)

(high-pitched screaming)

Oh, my God!

(boys laughing)

My boys.

Come here.

(high-pitched screaming): Oh, my God!

(sighs)

I needed that.

*

Hey. (sighs)

Sorry I couldn't help you out with Julie.

No, that's cool.

I'm actually back together with her.

What? Yeah, I was just talking to her.

Turns out, me not calling her back

got her all jealous and obsessive

and now she wants me back.

Wow.

So, you won the game by not playing the game.

Yeah, yeah, I guess I did.

Well, that is what I was really trying to teach you all along.

Strategy.

It's like that movie War Games.

The only winning move is not to play the game.

You see, Matthew Broderick plays a young, disaffected techie,

who tries to take on the army's super computer.