Original subtitles

Prince Harry! Hariya!

Have you seen my cat?

Prince Harry.

Prince Harry, where are you?

PRINCE "HARIYA" HARRY

LEO "LECHEROUS" MATTHEWS

Have you seen Prince Harry? My cat!

My cat!

Huh?

I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming!

Prince Harry.

Fuck off!

YASH "THE JUNKIE" BATRA

Get the dessert ready! Get the dessert ready!

Hurry up! Let's go!

Prince Harry!

Prince Harry!

Where is Guppie Ram? Why isn't he here working?

Guppie Ram is missing since afternoon. God knows where the hell he is!

Hurry up! The wolves are here, come on!

-New car, sahib? -Always.

At your service, hukum.

This way, sir.

Uh…

Get some sweets for your kids, hm?

RANNVIJAY "THE SHOW-OFF" SINGH

Today, I've decided I'll stay miles away from these two candidates.

Their electioneering is only going to ruin our budget.

That Raja sahib, great style, orders one Scotch after another.

-Bloody fraud. -And that waiter chases us to sign for it.

As for Shehnaz,

she's already offered film roles to more than half the club

just to push her election bid.

See, he doesn't even pick up my call.

I keep trying him endlessly, he just won’t answer.

And he won't turn up today, I'm sure of it.

That Bengali woman, she will not rest until she's made a leftist out of my son.

Come on, Mala, don't be a typical mommy now.

"The girl is always the vamp!"

Did I say anything wrong, Beeji?

Okay, so you live by yourself for three years in Kolkata. That's fine.

But once you're back home, you need to come and stay with us, right?

To live separately here in Delhi, how does that make sense?

And these days, he's even started speaking like that Bengali woman.

He says, "A club is a symbol of privilege and classism."

-What class? -Yeah!

-Look at us. -Exactly.

Knocking around in this eight-year-old piece of junk.

Who offers us an umbrella?

Bloody hell this, since when did it start raining in November?

Global warning.

-"Warming," Beeji. "Warming." -It's still a warning.

Prince Harry!

Prince Harry.

Prince Harry.

Hello, hello, gather around for the group photo, please.

Please come to the main stage area.

Listen, Tambola will begin only after the group photo.

Hi. Namaste, bhai sahib.

The bar will still be open after the photo.

Let's do glasses later.

Please come this side now.

Hey, cutie. Did you find your cat?

Love kids.

President sahib! Stop playing the class monitor.

Your tenure is almost done.

That's what I am waiting for, Raja sahib.

Once the elections get done this Thursday, I'll withdraw.

Guys, the next round is on me!

Sir, you know the drinks are on the house.

AKASH "THE PITIABLE" DOGRA

Hey, Dogra! Join us, yaar.

Raja sahib!

Sir, what is this, sir? How can two tickets be enough?

Fine, give me two more, but don't ask for money.

And why is your glass empty?

-Staff! -Beta!

-There he is. -What is this?

-Raja sahib's glass should never be empty. -Never. Hukum. Hukum!

-Always hukum. -Hukum.

The staff will always call me hukum, and here's something for the kids.

I am so proud of my Yashu. So proud!

You know that place in UK? The rehab center.

That is just fabulous! Just fab!

Few lacs a month, yaar! Just a few lacs.

Drugs, wugs, all gone, all addiction clean!

ROSHNI "THE BULLSHITTER" BATRA

And you know, it had an indoor heated swimming pool,

scented towels, sushi! I was like, "You know what?"

"Why don't I also fake an addiction and get myself admitted?"

Cheers!

-Hello. -Hello.

-How are you? -All good.

So my "commie" son has come.

Are you sure I'm yours? Sometimes, I wonder…

if I was exchanged at the hospital.

Not at the hospital, beta. Now, you've switched.

It's been a whole week since you came to Delhi,

you haven't bothered to visit me. You haven't even called me once.

I mean, what are we to you? We could die tomorrow

and you wouldn't give a damn about us, isn't it? Isn't it?

-Mommy-- -You have 17 missed calls

from me on your phone! Do you even check your phone?

-I don't even see a damn blue tick… -Mommy--

…so you're not reading my messages, beta.

-Mommy-- -All I asked for

was to simply attend the Tambola, just do this for your mother's sake--

I'm here now. Right in front of you. Look.

Let's get a photo taken.

Maa, I don't belong to this fancy dress competition.

Oh, I see, I see.

If she were here, you'd suddenly belong, isn't it?

Maa, she's nothing to me anymore, okay? I have a steady girlfriend.

I see, I see, she's nothing to you. It's steady, it's unsteady.

-I know everything-- -Okay, everyone, enough chatting!

Come line up for the photos.

-I am starting Tambola in five minutes. -What's with this November rain, yaar?

This is the first and last call!

-The poor farmers. -Yeah.

-Hi. Yeah! Excuse me. -Sure.

Hello.

So she really cares about the farmers?

For someone who has risen from cow dung herself.

SHEHNAZ "THE DIVA" NOORANI

Shehnaz ji, I am so glad you left your shoot to be here tonight.

By the way, magenta really suits you, I must say.

Green? Grey.

-Gold. -That you are.

Stunning, what's up?

How do you do this? Gorgeous.

Where's the silver cake knife?

Arey, how am I supposed to know where the silver cake knife is?

Go ask another waiter.

Oh, yes. Bloody, my dada ji gave me this, you know. Original.

-Dada ji gave you this? -Yes!

-Wow! Looks damn cool. -Yeah.

Okay, everyone, hold your positions.

Come on, come on, everyone. Let's go! Hurry up, take the picture.

This side, this side, Bhatti ji…

What's going on?

-Hello, I am still the president, guys. -Excuse me!

-Your tenure is almost over. -What do you mean by that?

Come on.

-Yes! -One second, one second. Wait for me.

Hello, Mrs. Nayyar, you're looking gorgeous today.

Could you please move up a bit?

-Just a little bit. Arey, come on! -Okay.

Just…

-Come, come, hurry up! -Yes, please.

Please, please, come.

And, everybody, now, just give me your best smiles. Okay?

-Always the best smile! -Yeah, like a happy family.

And, Shehnaz, oh, my God. What an unforgettable smile.

Yes, madam.

Better give your best smile today, because after the election--

After the elections, I am going to be very busy, Mr. Singh.

-Mm-hmm. -Building washrooms

-near the kitchen garden. -Over my dead fucking body!

If that's what it takes.

-Okay. Guys, ready? -Yeah!

And one, two--

Oi!

Fuck.

BAMBI "THE WIDOW" TODI

Ma'am, are you fine?

Guys, wait.

How can you take the picture without the prettiest girl in the club?

-Dadi, how are you? -I am cool!

-Beta, so you belong now? -Mom, let's focus on the photo.

Okay, guys, no one else remaining? Ready?

And one, two…

♪ I endured your deceit… ♪

♪ Sipping tears With a smile bittersweet ♪

♪ Breaking promises, deserting me ♪

♪ You walked away ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Innocent, naive baby ♪

♪ Breaking my heart, deserting me ♪

♪ You walked away ♪

Shalini.

-Sir ji. -Yeah?

May I drive, please?

No, Padam. It's on me.

I made a solemn promise to Shalini,

before I came to Lucknow, I would learn to parallel park my car.

Just ten days left.

I too had made a solemn promise that I would get married this year.

Twenty-three girls I checked out, on average, two per month.

But I haven't even printed invitations.

Because you are checking out the girls.

You need to connect with them.

When connection happens, the knots untangle themselves.

Sir ji, connection is not going to help you with your parallel parking.

You need to move a little bit to the left. Just a little bit.

-Just a little bit? -Just a little bit, sir ji. Come.

Yeah, yeah. Coming.

Back up, sir ji, slowly.

Bloody asshole. Motherfucker!

Okay.

Hey, take it easy. It's not the end of the world.

-What's the problem? -Hey, are you blind?

-You just hit my two-million car, bastard! -You know what two million looks like?

That piece of junk is not worth ten rupees,

forget about two million.

Hey, old fuck, do you have eyes or buttons, huh?

Now, sir, think of it as something between the two.

-Step out. Out of the car! -Coming, coming.

Now, you're screwed. I am lodging a complaint against you.

-Sir, I'll drive you to the cops… -You bloody mother--

Hey, hey, hey!

Just day before yesterday he lost his mother.

-Oh. So sorry. -Sir, do you know, this is Padam Kumar ji.

Do you have any idea what happened to him?

What happened, sir?

He dreamed of joining the police force,

but then his eyesight turned out to be poor.

He failed the examination.

Now, to the elderly and to women, he gives driving lessons.

At night, he practices belly dancing.

His father was martyred while on active police duty.

My father?

Be kind to him.

-Jai Hind, sir. -It's all right.

Absolutely, no problem. Sub-inspector Padam and I are free.

Practicing parallel parking.

Everyone, carry on, carry on. Nothing to see here. Go.

-Which club, sir? -Go, go, go.

-Janab. -Hmm?

How long do you think this will take?

It's Diwali night,

and the movers and packers will be awaiting your arrival.

And criminals, thieves and murderers, my departure.

Anyway, Chief sahib insisted it won't drag on for long. It's an--

Open and shut case, guys.

Your work, my friend, can be so hard.

Now, just see what a useless waste of time. That too during Diwali.

President sahib, was it someone's birthday?

It was our Diwali Tambola night. A raging success.

Thirty lacs my club made.

No. But the accident was sad.

Very sad.Come, please, come.

The Royal Delhi Club is one of the country's top-notch clubs.

-Yes, yes. Of course. -Very exclusive.

Even the presidents of India have played golf at this club.

There.

To become a member, the fee is 19.9 million, plus GST.

And even if you can afford it, the waiting period is minimum 20 years.

Even after independence, for many years,

only Britishers were allowed exclusive membership.

Meaning not even other White people, you see.

Wow!

We should be proud of something like that.

Exactly.

You won't find such a huge campus anywhere else in India.

Isn't this the same club

that Highway Minister Ruhia ji wanted to shut down?

The Highway Minister's loafer son wore loafers and barged in here.

Look, if you want to wear loafers,

there's many cheap dhabbas on the highway, go there.

We, very humbly, requested him, "Kind sir, please wear formal shoes."

Everybody has these kind of shoes, isn't it? I have ten, 12 pairs myself.

-Prada, Gucci, everything. -What? Pucchi?

He wouldn't listen. We have 100-year-old rules.

-A hundred years. -Rules are rules.

Look, even they understand this much.

Those loafers should've been on his head instead of his feet.

-Yeah, you're right! -And that was it.

Within 30 minutes, he had a hashtag trending.

#SlavestotheBritishRDC.

#AntiNationalRDC.

Anti-national?

Yes, these days, being anti-national doesn't require much effort from anyone.

Boy! Boy!

Boy, get my cushion, no!

Come on, fast.

-Hey, you! -Sir.

Who gave you permission to use the member’s washroom?

Sorry, sir.

Don't mind, sir.

Normally, this doesn't happen. Rules are rules.

This is a community bar. Those kinds aren't allowed here either.

-It's done. -Move, move.

Please come. Please come.

There's elections in three days, and he had to die today!

-Please, ACP. -Oh, no, sir…

Myself, SI Padam Kumar. The ACP…

Sir ji? Sir ji?

Hmm?

-Sir ji. -Yeah?

ACP Bhavani Singh.

Never mind, never mind. Come.

Leo Matthews. Zumba trainer. So sad.

It was quick.

The barbell slipped out of the deceased's hands,

fell on his windpipe, and fatally fractured his neck.

Time of death?

Between 5:00 and 7:00 a.m.

The exact time can only be determined by an autopsy,

but in such clear accident cases, an autopsy is unnecessary.

Apparently, he an orphan.

Let me try and find his address. Mithun!

All right, Doctor sahib.

You and President sahib sign these forms, and we'll be done.

We'll have the body picked.

President sahib!

Can we get a glimpse of this CCTV footage?

Why's that necessary?

Just a glimpse.

That's Raja sahib. Ranvijay Singh.

One of our most esteemed members.

From the royal family of Achingad.

And that's gym trainer, Thinsuk.

No, maybe it's Theju.

They both look like they came out of the same mold.

Hmm.

I am sure these camera angles have blind spots.

-What's that, sir? -Nothing.

Pause, pause, pause.

That's the same sky-blue-colored bottle that was found near the body.

Oh, bhai!

When the balloons waltzed in front of the CCTV,

what dance were you dancing, huh?

-Normally, it doesn't happen. -Hmm.

You need to check the color of the balloons?

Oh, pause, pause, pause!

The tail of a cat.

-Prince Harry. -Prince Harry?

Prince Harry.

For the past 100 years, we have named every pet in the club

after members of the British royal family as a tradition.

You see, this club was built to commemorate King George's arrival.

-Hmm. -Now, he couldn't come here. Busy man.

But even so, to this day, that family means everything to us.

Wow, they must be bursting with pride.

-Exactly. -Mmm…

Now, what do we do about this, ACP?

Will your people clear this or should we?

After all, the members also need to use the gym.

President sahib.

What you have witnessed is not an accident…

-but a murder. -No, no, no, no, no.

Murders are strictly not allowed in my club.

Our members are all respected people and--

And they all have my respect.

CCTV covered by balloons,

Hariya ji's condition,

and that fainting feeling in my belly,

they all say Leo ji has been murdered.

So, who was the first one to lay eyes on Leo ji's body?

-Sir… -Um…

I don't think we should speak without our lawyers.

-Yeah. -Whatever you deem fit.

Yes, sir?

-Yes, sir? -My apologies. Thank you.

I…

I am so upset, so upset.

I've been drinking since morning.

Relax, Cooks. We will get a new Zumba trainer.

Dime a dozen. Who cares about Zumba?

Uh… Original. Cookie Katoch Cocktail.

COOKIE "COCKTAIL" KATOCH

-Beetroot juice and little tequila. -I see.

Oh, jeez! Nirmal already uploaded a memorial photo.

-What a phot of her with Leo, shit! -What? Show me. Show me.

Oh, my God! Look at that lip job.

Show!

Bloody bitch. She'll never tell us who she went to, isn't it?

You can ask her. She's your friend.

Go ask.

So, as I was talking about Leo ji's dead body…

-You can't imagine. -Hmm.

Oh, my God! Oh, look, I've got goosebumps.

Hmm.

-Rosh! We need to go for waxing! -Sure.

No, but listen, during Diwali, Cinderella is just too crowded.

-I am not going. I am not going. -Let's go to the club parlor then.

-We will give Ganga a hundred or two. -Babe…

Dead body, madam. Dead body.

Whose?

That's exactly what I was telling you about.

At seven o'clock, the three of us went to the gym.

A three-tier strawberry cake and under it a dead body?

-And that was only the appetizer, Cooks! -Oh!

After that, what happened on Tambola night,

I'm telling you, you're gonna go crazy listening to that.

Cooks Aunty, why didn't you come?

One too many Patiala pegs or what?

No, no, beta. Katoch sahib was all hot and horny.

That was it, you know, right?

He's like a…

horse in bed.

Thanks to him, I always miss out on the action in the club.

Come on, girls. Let's go for it.

Oh! Sorry.

-What are you doing? -What?

-What am I doing, huh? -What are you doing?

-My napkin fell down, that's it. -Your napkin fell down?

-Rosh, don't look at me like that. -Cooks, I know you.

-No you have a wild imagination. -Cooks…

-Guys… -It's just gossip, okay?

Guys!

-What? -What?

Cooks… Cooks, he's dead.

Are you calling the police?

Obvio.

Look at him, my poor Leo.

And, oh, those thighs…

What a waste.

Oh, how I lusted after them.

Is it that easy to just kill someone and get away with it?

Not really, it's extremely nerve-wracking, even for the most seasoned criminals.

So the BMR must be going through the roof, na?

Two, three kilos must be lost just by sweating, right?

What? Then I should definitely consider murdering someone!

I'll lose some of my belly fat, my hips will get into shape as well.

-Excellent idea. -Madam, madam,

you were just saying that under the strawberry cake

-you found somebody's body? Whose body? -That was his.

Who'd murder this guy?

Guys, it's not funny.

Guys, it's not funny.

Cooks Aunty, stop it!

Sir, he's demented.

Is that blood?

Yuck!

Relax, guys. It's strawberry sauce.

-Oh! -Oh, my God. Come on.

During all this, where was Leo ji?

Leo was hosting the Tambola.

When the lady is flirty at three and zero…

Thirty.

Jaldi five!

Come on.

The scoop is…

Leo was Shehnaz Noorani's latest astronaut.

Congratulations!

Astronaut, madam?

If Shehnaz is the moon, then astronauts will be there, right?

Astronaut… Is she the famous actress, Shehnaz Noorani, by any chance?

-A C-grade heroine of B-grade films. -Hmm!

Two husbands she's divorced already. Pocketed a fat alimony from both,

and has come and plonked herself in our Delhi. Bloody witch!

Since then, a whole bunch of astronauts have landed on the moon.

You know what I mean?

So you were watching through a telescope, Rosh Aunty?

And the fat magnet, always late. Six and eight, 68!

Full house! Full house!

And after that is when the real commotion started.

-Mine as well! -And Leo said…

Two fat magnets?

Arey!

It's all a scam. How can there be two full houses?

-This old bugger is cheating. -Show me your ticket.

-Listen, you get back! -Arey, take it easy, uncle.

What are you doing to him?

Hey, who you calling "uncle"?

Bloody item number, PT teacher. Gigolo!

-Just wait. -Who do you think you are?

Worms crawling out of the bloody gutter.

Rats!

He said rats, I'm sure.

Rats crawling out of the bloody gutter.

Cooks, yaar. You were not even there, right?

Okay, so then you do all the talking. Keep on yakking.

You don't need me for this. I am out of here.

Anyways…

after that, that Dogra boy arrived on the scene…

Cockroaches crawling out of the bloody gutter.

Guys!

-I am Leo Matthews's lawyer, okay? -Pause, pause, pause.

So Leo ji's lawyer was at the Tambola night that day?

Everyone, move aside, move aside. Akash bhaiya, I'll lose my job.

You had to come to court on a holiday.

Just 30 seconds more, 30 seconds.

-Yeah, please hurry. -Okay, listen.

The judge will ask for a blood test. Carry the report with you.

This lab is not expensive.

One second, one second.

Akash, Leo has been murdered.

-That MC? -Yeah.

The police wants to talk to you.

It's Diwali, yaar. I am going back to Kolkata.

I've to catch a flight in two hours.

Your girlfriend lives with you there?

Koohu.

Koohu?

Sounds like a bird's name.

Can't help it.

Maybe I am destined to end up with girls with weird names,

Bambi.

Sir, this Leo, I mean, the deceased, I met him just once.

What's going on? Why are the cops here?

He's been here for the last two hours. Get him out!

About three years ago.

-It was just a minor case. -Hmm. What sort of case was it?

-Cocaine. -Hmm.

A few minors from an orphanage were involved.

The orphanage warden was also arrested.

He had a slight limp.

But didn't you proclaim in the presence of Maharaja Rannvijay Singh

that you are Leo ji's lawyer?

Sir…

-people in this club fear only two things. -I mean, this is too much.

-Don't worry, sir, I'll handle it. -Taxes and lawyers.

So I felt Raja ji should be brought before the court.

I represent Leo Matthews,

and if he wants, he can sue you and this club for slander,

criminal intimidation and workplace harassment.

-Okay. -Let it go, Raja sahib.

We can divide the winnings. It's okay, I don't mind.

That's exactly what I am trying to say. Share and care na, yaar, uncle.

Raja sahib never shares his bounty.

-Why the smirk? -Why are you bullshitting, Hukum?

Come, come! You wanna fight? Come!

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Innocent, naive baby ♪

♪ Breaking my heart, deserting me You walked away ♪

♪ I endured your deceit ♪

♪ Sipping tears With a smile bittersweet ♪

♪ Breaking promises, deserting me You walked away ♪

♪ Baby… ♪

And in the middle of this chaos, Bambi was dancing.

Only Bambi is capable of something like this.

-Upwards? -Yeah, upwards.

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Innocent, naive baby ♪

♪ Breaking my heart, deserting me ♪

♪ You walked away ♪

They have given us this junkyard to conduct our interrogation.

Sir ji, that bloody asshole, Bhatti…

Hm. Mm-hmm.

If you're done with cleaning, then Happy Diwali!

Happy Diwali, sir.

President sahib is of the opinion

that at least one of you was responsible for making a protein shake.

But he is unable to say, for certain, who.

Sir, do you think we both look the same?

Yes, I made the protein shake. Yeah. So?

He's also the one who placed weights on the barbells.

You always complain about me.

Sir, this Leo fellow, he does nothing by himself, sir.

He thinks he is over and above us.

Was.

Only him, sir. He had a problem with Leo.

Sir, he used to make way more money than us.

Plus, all the ladies demanded only him, sir.

Hey, I am not interested in those "aunty.coms."

Sir, my girlfriend is 50 times more beautiful than them.

Wait, I will show you the photo, sir. Wait, sir.

Minu, sir.

Did Leo ji and you know each other?

Just hi, bye type.

MINU "THE CHEAT" DIMRI

Thank you.

-Thank you. -Mm-hmm.

Actually, that aqua aerobics was my idea, sir.

That Leo, he even snatched that from me, sir.

-Aqua… -Aqua aerobics, Padam.

-Water exercises. -Oh.

That was your idea? Then Leo stole it from you?

Bambi!

Bambi!

You're didn't go, huh?

So, there's a small village north of Kolkata, it got hit by a cyclone.

There's a primary school where the, uh, roof caved in.

So, Koohu's gone there with her volunteer friends.

Shush!

You didn't go.

Dream girl.

All the girls at the club's beauty parlor are called dream girls.

Hair tong burns.

All the curly haired members want straight hair,

and the straight haired want curls.

Hmm. Did Leo and you know each other well?

Kitchen, waitering, gardening,

in fact, I even babysit the kids of some of the club members.

I know who was the one who killed Leo.

The cold gets into your bones.

Back in Garhwal, you know, there was once this man,

walking with an axe on his shoulder.

Shivering thur, thur, thur, thur in the bitter cold.

Then suddenly, he sneezed violently, and the axe chopped his head off.

And after that…

He would always say such weird, nonsensical things

that he ended up with the nickname "Guppie Ram."

But after he was diagnosed with dementia,

it's hard to tell whether Guppie ji is chatting with you

or if the voices in his head are chatting with him.

Don't you miss…

this place?

This is the exact spot where 19 years ago…

…I first laid eyes on the Bambi Todi.

And I was four inches taller than you.

When you put on this entire drowning act,

-just to get me to rescue you. -Please!

Even if I were really drowning,

times weren't so bad that I'd have a crush on you!

That's for you. Congratulations!

♪ The more I try to forget you ♪

♪ The more you come to mind ♪

♪ The more I try to forget you… ♪

Akash.

♪ I remember you just as much… ♪

What do you want from me? Why did you call me here?

-I need to talk to you. -What do you wanna talk about?

What do you want to talk about? Tell me.

-Something really important-- -Bambi!

-Can you come here, please? -Where the hell, yaar?

One second, just wait. Please wait for me.

♪ As much as I try to console my heart ♪

Happy anniversary, Bambi and Anshul!

♪ I remember you just as much ♪

♪ As much as I try to console my heart ♪

♪ My life slips away ♪

"Darling, are you okay?"

Mom just needs an excuse to send me this text.

Since I am a widow.

I was planning to come to meet you but…

Mommy said that you and Anshul's mom

had gone to Manali to look for the body.

You could have come after.

Fine, forget that. One call in three years?

You could have at least called once, Dogra.

I still remember that phone call.

The police said only 21 bodies were found.

They said four…

four bodies probably got washed away in the river.

Couldn't believe my luck.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! The rumors were true!

The great Akash Dogra abandoned his bogus fight against the class system

to go to The Royal Delhi pool to take a dip.

Have you heard about the Batra boy?

The one who went to rehab?

And ended up teaching the staff how to take drugs, up the ass?

-Hey, fucker! -Asshole!

-Bloody prick! -Lord of the pricks!

Fucker, I've been clean ten months. Your bro hasn't even touched a cigarette.

What the fuck!

Fuck you, yaar, Bambi!

Sorry, yaar, Batra.

-Yaar, I dropped my phone, yaar! -Oh, shit.

-Fucking assholes! -Call me when you get home.

One of those two trainers must have done it,

-who else? -Hmm.

They keep fighting among themselves.

Theju, Theja, whoever they are.

They both look the same.

No, no. Theju ji is from Karnataka, Thinsuk ji is from Arunachal Pradesh, so…

Exactly! Whatever.

These British-era club members,

do they consider themselves the direct defendants of the British?

God knows these so-called liberals…

what other nefarious activities besides murder they could be involved in

behind those four walls.

If this case doesn't get investigated thoroughly,

then we'll have to take matters into our own hands.

Just shut up! Pig!

If this case isn't closed pronto, our club will be closed down by then.

Ten days.

Would that be pronto enough for you?

I'll adjust.

Thank you!

Let's go!

All my male tenants eventually move out of here and leave,

but the taste of my chai they'll never ever forget!

They don't forget me either.

Until the ginger is ground and the tea simmers for a long time,

you don't feel like slurping it all up.

Now, watch.

Aren't you also from Haryana?

I can tell just by looking at your moustache.

Cool Jutt boys!

♪ Jutt boys ♪

What energy those Haryanvi songs have. Hindi songs don't have that charm.

This is the first time police have come to my house.

We must take a selfie, sir!

Come, sir, come!

Smile, please!

Anything else you need me to get you?

-Sir! -Sir!

You think this is your aunty's home?

Now, watch my tea get stronger and special!

-Let's go upstairs. -What?

-Leo ji's room. -Yeah, sure.

-You know, sir, I've been… -I will deal with you guys later.

Sometimes I've to feed your constables.

Sometimes I've to make tea for everyone.

One thing I tell you, sir, our guests are like family.

Oh, bloody!

Everything was fine this morning.

Your constables must have messed it up.

No one else has come up since morning.

You two be ready for some serious disciplinary action.

Get lost! Go!

-Sir, sorry, sir. -Sorry, sir!

Sir, what are these pictures for?

These aren't just pictures, Padam.

They are crucial evidences for the case.

Madam, in all of this mess,

do you feel like there's something missing?

He used to have this thing with him, um…

You know, that thing which is big?

A computer, a phone, something like that.

Trimmer.

-Tablet. -Yes, that one.

It was a red-colored tablet.

All day long, he'd sit with that tablet and keep watching films he'd made himself.

He was also a filmmaker?

-Padam. -Yes, sir.

Leo ji seems to be a spontaneous and philandering kind of personality.

Wait a minute.

That's mine.

I used to come up here all the time. I must have dropped it.

Uncle, would you please hook me up?

Come on!

But, sir, why don't you wear a uniform?

The uniform creates a barrier between us and the people, Padam.

Once that barrier is broken, I… I just become one of them.

Then they might let out a tiny little detail

which they wouldn't in front of a baton.

What are you saying, sir! That baton has a magic wand!

To each their own.

Kashi, I need to tell you something.

-Leo was blackmailing me. -What?

Bambi, you stole the glasses from the ACP?

-Yes. -You're still doing it?

I had given it up for a bit.

But after Anshul's accident, I was…

-I don't know, it started again. -Started again?

Anything, anywhere, I just nick it.

Honestly, Kashi, I don't even realize!

Frames, gold bangles, toilet paper, dentures!

-Why? -Dentures?

Just once.

Bambi, yaar!

Half my life I've spent in returning the things you've stolen, yaar.

But this time you weren't there, right?

So, what now?

Should we tell the Hindi professor?

Not tell him, we have to return this to him.

Bambi.

I don't trust you. Give it to me.

Give it!

Bambi.

Mmm.

Mmm.

-Mmm. -Stop it!

So, Leo got to know about this?

And you know Mom. She's always been a mess.

-And you know the people at the club. -Of course.

If they were to find out, then…

Anyway…

-Now what? -I'm showing you.

Listen to this.

Whenever Leo started playing this…

…it meant, "Show me the money."

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Uh… Forgive me, but…

…Shalini, uh, has taken away all the furniture to Lucknow.

-Shalini? -Shalini…

-Better half. -Much better half, Padam.

Sir, so why are you shifting out of Delhi?

-Is it the cold or the pollution? -The crime in Delhi, Todi.

Shalini ji must be fed up. Murderers, blackmailers, kleptomaniacs.

Hmm?

Sorry, sir.

I missed my reading glasses.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Mm-hmm. Well.

Sir, uh, do you remember those kids,

-the one's I released on bail? -Hmm?

Leo used to donate money to that very same orphanage.

But Leo ji's phone…

…doesn't have any evidence of blackmailing.

Sir, but my chat?

Leo ji has deleted all his previous chats.

-It's still on my phone though. -This rumbling in my belly…

is telling me, Padam…

that Leo ji was not blackmailing only you.

This case keeps getting more complex, sir ji.

How do we solve it in ten days?

In ten days?

Uh… If in ten days, I don't report in Lucknow to Shalini

and to the government, or if my transfer is stayed,

then she'll look for some poet, get married and leave.

Sir.

They say…

a poet and a detective are two sides of the same coin.

Absolutely.

One of them weaves in the mystery, while the other untangles it.

Just like the world's most fascinating mystery…

-Love. -Love.

Whoa!

Hmm.

Looks like you have been on that train?

Hmm.

After all these years,

finally, I am gonna gift you a new car. How about that?

I got a flashback from childhood all of a sudden.

Now, what did I do now?

I remember how you used to get me these imported gifts,

so that your standards could be maintained in your circle.

Noted.

Your standard. I'll look for a car that fits there, okay?

Nice, cute, comfy, middle-class car.

Is that fine?

I am good with this middle-class car.

What?

-He was Lambodhar, actually. -Hmm.

True to his name, God.

Sir, when we were kids, he used to always misbehave.

-Hmm. -Intentionally, deliberately…

-Hmm. -…so that no one would want to adopt him.

Hmm.

'Cause I'd be left alone, and…

there was no demand for kids like me.

Hmm.

-Warden ji, those donations? -That was Leo's hard work, sir.

Through his new job, he had built up a lot of new contracts.

-Hmm. -Big people with big hearts.

Mm-hmm.

He told me, "Raks, bro…

these fancy rich people blow so much money on a bottle of wine,

it's more than my monthly salary."

Hmm.

The donations kept coming nonstop, sir.

Warden bhai, those weren't donations.

Your God-like benefactor brother was actually blackmailing everyone.

This basketball court…

-…I probably donated this one. -So?

You guys are unbelievable.

Leo took such a big risk…

…got the funds together.

Is that a joke? He was a goddamn Robin Hood.

Yeah, right!

Madam, do you see the names of any members here?

-Fuck me! -Hmm?

-Fuck me! -What, ma'am?

And who else is on that list?

Hmm.

What? There was no blackmail shlack-mail!

The boy was a magician!

UK six to UK four in three months, like that!

What?

-Size. My size. -Oh.

Cookie's didn't reduce at all, you know. She gained three kgs.

Anyway, when Leo informed me about his, uh, you know, um, NGO, orphanage,

I made an offer myself, na. I mean, like…

Leo.

Leo.

Don't do this to me.

Hmm?

-I'll do anything. -Really?

I will.

Sign the fucking check, bitch!

Smart.

Madam, have you seen this before?

-You found this in Leo's things? -Yes.

That bitch! Kanchan!

Jasmeet.

Guppie Ram ji!

Guppie ji, here.

If you're so keen on listening to our conversation, come inside.

Please, don't be shy.

I can't find my Harry anywhere.

You might find him inside.

Hey, Hariya! Beta?

-Aey, bacha! -Guppie Ram ji,

-your cat must be there somewhere. -Aey, beta!

Aww. Our Guppie Ram has become so old now.

When Yashu was a little boy, how much he used to run after him.

-Aey, bacha! -Guppie!

-When Yash baba goes to America na… -Harry!

…I'll give all his polo T-shirts and summer clothes to you.

Handsome you'll become.

He tends to swallow the wool.

And the synthetic one, you know…

…it doesn't dissolve. It stays solid.

-So, if that happens, you know… -Guppie…

is everything okay?

What's wrong?

My Harry is nowhere to be seen.

He must be outside, Guppie.

-Huh? -He must be outside.

Poor people should die young.

Old age is so hard for them.

By the way, I am 48 years old.

Am I allowed to live until retirement, madam?

Everyone is being so all serious and all.

What? Nobody has got a sense of humor?

Rich people can't even crack a joke? Huh?

Is that what you're--

Yes, Krishnan, what's the news?

What's that? Pinko?

Uh… ACP, I'll leave now.

I… I'll call you back. I'll call you. Madam.

-Okay, everyone. I'll see you. Uh… -Madam! Madam!

Come back, come back. Come. Come here. Sit.

Do you know what happened, uh, to Padam one time?

Padam was on night duty. The poor fellow was asleep.

When he woke up, his trousers, uh--

Weren't there?

They were, but they were wet.

So, everyone at the station begin to tease him, make fun of him.

Many days later, Padam discovered that a sniffer dog had come along.

He took a liking to his pants,

so he left his mark on them, and…

Now, tell me, who was the culprit?

And who was taking the blame?

That, uh…

B-grade heroine said something about me? Hmm?

-Raja ji did? -Oh.

That show-off Maharaja, na,

is definitely hiding something under his shiny sherwani.

I'm telling you that! I'm telling you!

But Leo ji,

why would he blackmail Raja ji? Tell me.

Hmm?

Well, rumor has it…

that your Maharaja ji gets a proper "royal salute" every night

from his "dream girl."

Ganga…

Rosh Aunty, that's not fair.

Sir, she's been through a lot.

She used to work at my house,

but her scumbag, piece-of-shit husband, he used to hit her a lot, sir.

He left her and went away,

and then I got her a job at the club too, sir, at the salon.

No idea why all these club members gossip about her so much.

Because she's pretty.

These things I can sniff from a mile away, darling.

And imagine, if this story comes out,

then our Raja ji's honor will not even be worth a scrap.

Enough of a motive, ACP.

Raja ji, we were just try--

We were talk-- Your Highness.

You ruined my game of golf.

-Now, don't fuck up my card party! -He's on the list?

Have a seat, Raja ji.

"Hukum!" "Have a seat, hukum!"

-Hello, sir. Hi, sir. -Hello, hello.

-Raja ji, your flare gun? -Hello. Oh, yes!

Keep this in the club cabinet.

-Yes, sir. -Hmm.

Hmm.

That's for you. Keep it.

Keep it, keep it. Go on. Why are you hesitating, yaar?

Keep it, man. Don't be shy.

-Come on, man, keep it! -Yes, sir.

I love my staff here. Always take care of them.

How many years old is the gun, hukum?

Hundred years, inspector sahib. Hundred years.

-Hmm. -My grandfather,

Raja sahib Rajyavardhan Singh…

…used it to blow off the guptangs of many, many Englishmen.

-Guptang? -Balls, Bambi beta, balls!

There are only two in this club, and both of them belong to me!

Ah!

No-balls land.

-Thank you. -Thank you. Thank you.

Actually, those were the golden days, hukum.

-Of rajas and maharajas. -Yes.

These days, everyone is just stuck in this mess of elections.

You know, this Madam Noorani, you know,

honestly, I don't even know why she is contesting this election.

She keeps on shouting, "Change, change, change!"

Why the fuck change something which is perfect?

Sorry for the language.

Shehnaz Aunty wants to build female staff washrooms.

We don't have any at all, you see.

But where does she want to build them? In place of the kitchen garden?

Rani Vasudha Devi Garden. My beloved wife.

She wants smelly staff toilets there?

It's fucking disgusting!

Nothing will happen to Vasudha Aunty's garden.

In any case, you are going to win this election.

-So, you decide. Okay? -Love you.

Oh, and, sir, if you need anything at all…

-Hmm. -…just give me a call.

-I'll sign for it. -No, this is enough.

-Bye. -We done?

No, no, no, no. Hmm.

-The fun part hasn't even begun yet. -Uh-oh.

Yeah, yeah. Come on, come on.

-You're wasting my time. -So…

did Leo ji ever send you…

…a song to, kind of, try and blackmail you,

or a link to make a donation to an orphanage or something?

Who the fuck do you think will blackmail me? Who?

Bhenchod!

My family has conquered a mountain of corpses to get here!

Bloody gigolo!

-I dare you to talk about this to anyone! -It's empty, chutiya.

Ronnie.

Aren't you getting late for the club?