All language subtitles for Louis_CK_Back_to_The_Garden_-_English_Subtitles

-Everybody please give it up
for Louis CK!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause
continues ]

[ Cheers and applause
continues ]

[ Cheers and applause
continues ]

-[ Chuckles ] Hey.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

[ Chuckles ] Hey.
How you guys doing? Alright?

Ha ha!
[ Cheers and applause ]

Alright.

Thank you for -- Uh...

Thanks for coming. I'm --
[ Cheers and applause ]

Alright.
Y-You're wasting fucking time.

You're gonna get two less jokes
if you don't shut the fuck up.

I'm very glad you're here.
I'm really grateful.

I know that, uh, it's not easy
being my fan these days.

Uh...

I know that, uh,

all of you have one person
who doesn't know you're here.

[ Laughs ]

There's that one person.

"Hey, what are you doing
tonight?"

"Just a comedy show.
I don't know.

So, you know..."

Sorry for all the trouble
I caused you.

But let's, uh --
We'll do a show.

Um, I love doing comedy.

I've been doing it
38 years now, and, uh...

[ Cheers and applause ]

A lot of people ask me
if it takes confidence.

Uh, nobody asks me. I just
wanted to talk about it.

But...

It does. It takes a certain
kind of confidence to do this.

This doesn't mean that I'm
a confident person generally.

You know, there's different
kinds of confidence.

Like, there's personal
confidence.

Personal confidence is like
a man wearing white pants.

That takes tremendous
personal confidence.

And optimism, really.

To go out in white pants like,
"It's gonna be a great day.

"It's gonna be
no puddles or pizza."

I could never wear white pants

because I'll get my period,
first of all, I know that.

Or diarrhea more likely.

That's really my period.

Diarrhea.

About once a month, I'm like,
"Oh, fuck, here we go."

[ Exhales heavily ]
"Better just get home.

Don't make
any big decisions today."

It's true.
You shouldn't, like,

negotiate
when you have diarrhea.

If I have diarrhea and you get
between me and the toilet,

I'll sell you my house
for 10 cents.

Anyway, that's
personal confidence.

Another kind of confidence
is moral confidence.

Moral confidence.

That's like knowing that
you wouldn't have had slaves,

like, back when it was okay.

That's moral confidence,
is being able to say,

"I wouldn't have done it.

Even if I lived in 17-whatever
in Virginia

and somebody was like,
'You want a slave?'

I would have been like,
'No, I'm all set.'"

And I feel confident
I can say that,

but I think
it's easy to say that now

because you can't get no slaves.

You can't get one.
You can't get one.

You don't have slaves,
but that's not because

you're better
than back-then people.

It's 'cause
they're not available.

There's not --
You don't have to decide that.

It's not like you're bringing
groceries to the car

like, "Fuck. It would be
really good if I had a slave.

But I won't do it. Mnh-mnh!"

It's not like they have slaves
at Home Depot.

I mean, they kind of do.
I mean, there are...

There...

There are certain --

You know, like,
you can get a Russian woman

to do whatever you want
because her family is hostage.

Or you can adopt a kid
from Bangladesh who's like 12.

He'll move into your house
and do your laundry

and suck your dick,
whatever you want.

But even he -- even he gets
to leave when he's 18.

Although, who wants 'em
when they're that old?

I'm just saying.

Excuse me. I'm just saying...

Anyway, that's moral confidence.

[ Laughter ]

The kind of confidence I have
is very specific.

It's that I know
how to make jokes

about terrible things.

I know how to do that, and
I know I know how to do that.

So that's my --
that's my core competency.

[ Laughs ]

And there's certain people
who think there are things

that you shouldn't make jokes
about, like Auschwitz.

You shouldn't make jokes
about Auschwitz,

some people think,
because it was terrible.

Many people died. Children
were killed in Auschwitz.

Children that
could have grown up

and moved to Brooklyn
and hated Black people.

And they didn't get to do that.
[ Laughter ]

Exactly. It's terrible.
It's terrible.

So some people think you
shouldn't joke about Auschwitz.

I have a friend,
a comedian from England,

who made a joke about Auschwitz
last year.

He got in a lot of trouble.
It was a big deal.

It was in the newspapers.
He lost jobs.

And at one point,
Auschwitz tweeted...

...about it. It said "Auschwitz"
with a blue check.

So it was like, "Oh, cool!
It's really them!" you know?

And, uh...

[ Laughter ]

They tweeted like,
"That's not funny."

And -- I don't know.

I mean, who's running
the social accounts that --

Why is the death camp tweeting?

Who is that? "I got
a summer job at Auschwitz.

I run the Twitter."

What's...

[ Laughter ]

Because people have
different reactions

to terrible things, you know?

Some people think comedy helps.

I don't think it "helps."
It doesn't help.

Like, I remember one time
there was people --

You remember
during the Iraq War.

I don't remember which one,
but it was one of the Iraq wars.

And somebody was organizing
through the USO

some comedians to go to
Walter Reed Medical Center

and visit wounded soldiers
in their hospital rooms,

which is a terrible --

It sounds nice,
but it's a terrible idea.

They don't need a comedian like,

"Hehrr! Wehrr! Wehrrr!

Errrh! Where ya from? Fuck you."

You know, it's not helpful.

And I wasn't even anybody.
I wasn't famous.

But I did it.
I was like, "I'm volunteering."

[ Laughter ]

I fucking hate that "me"
so much, you know?

But I did it. And I remember
we were at the hospital.

It's a very serious place.
It's an army hospital.

And the army doctor is giving us
a briefing about the soldier

that I'm about to go in and see.

He says,
"This kid's name is Travis.

He's from Iowa. He's 20.

He was in Baghdad on patrol,

and somebody threw an IUD."

I mean IED. Sorry.

It wasn't -- It wasn't an IUD.

That's not an effective
weapon, really.

"Ugh."

[ Laughter ]

No.

That's funnier than
the actual joke, unfortunately.

But I'll go on.

It was an IUD.

IED. Fuck! Fuck.

It's an improvised
exploding device.

You know,
it's like a bag of ammonia

with Canadian pennies in it.

And they strap it
to a Nokia flip phone

and, you know --

[ Imitating Nokia ring tone ]

[ Imitates explosion ]
You know.

That's what happened to Travis.

So, the doctor says, "He's been
in surgery for 20 hours.

He's about to come out of it.

You're the first face
he's gonna see."

[ Laughter ]

I was like, "Can we get his mom
to open for me maybe?"

[ Laughter ]

"This is a bad idea."

So I asked the doctor.

I said, "Hey, what do I
fucking say to this kid?"

He says,
"Here's what you don't say."

He says, "Don't say,
'How you doing?'"

And they tell you that.
If you visit a trauma patient,

don't say, "How you doing?"
It's stupid.

So, okay. I go in there.
Travis is laying there.

"Ugh..."

I'm, like, over his bed.
It's obscene.

I can't say, "How you doing?"

So I said the only worst thing.

I said,
"What are you gonna do now?"

[ Laughter ]

Anyway...

[ Cheers and applause ]

That's what happened
with Travis.

But, you know...
people's reaction

to terrible things
is different depending --

Like, some people, you know,
try to --

Like, I saw a store,
and on the door, it said --

it said,
"No hate allowed in here."

"Get the fuck out, hate,
you piece of shit.

If you come in here, hate, we'll
fucking take you in the back

and beat the fuck out of you."

It's a weird idea to -

No hate allowed in the store.
I hate my dad.

Am I supposed to stay out here

and deal with it
before I come in to buy...

I saw a store with a sign once,

and it said,
"92% of our products

are responsibly sourced."

Ninety --

Just don't put anything.

That's...

That's not high enough to brag.

92%.

That means 8%
of their clothes are like,

"You don't even want to know
how we made this shit.

It was a bloodbath
when we made that shirt.

We just ripped the back
off the Honduran kid

that was working there."

[ Laughter ]

Some things that are terrible
happening in the world,

you just kind of give up.

Like, in New York, there's
a lot of homeless people.

There's a lot
of homeless people here.

I mean, not in here.

Ha ha! There's none in here.

Ha ha! There's none in here.

There's none in here.

Not even with a ticket
he ain't getting in here.

They're not allowed
to go where we go.

They're just not allowed.

That's the one part
we all agree with.

I don't know what to do
about the homeless,

but they're not coming in here.

If you don't have
your own indoors,

you can't come into
other people's indoors.

Those are the rules.
Those are the rules we live by.

I've done benefit shows
for homeless people

where homeless people
weren't allowed in the show.

[ Laughter ]

There's whole places
they don't get to --

Like the airport. They've
never even seen an airport.

You've never been at your gate,
and some guy's like,

"Hey, I'm trying
to get to Tokyo.

Can you help me out?"
You know.

[ Laughter ]

But they're everywhere. I mean,
I was in Phoenix, Arizona.

120 degrees. 120 degrees.

Homeless people
are just standing outside

at intersections
with a sign that says, you know,

"Help. I'm on fire."
And...

[ Imitates steam hissing ]

But you can't --
You know, you're in a white BMW

like, "I -- Sorry.
I can't. I can't.

There's glass here. I don't know
how to help you," you know?

[ Laughter ]

And in New York,
you see them everywhere.

You walk through them,
and you got to make choices

because you can't help
all of them...

and you can't help any of them.

So...you choose...

...who to lie to.

"I don't have any --

No. I don't --

No things in any of my...

Sorry."

[ Laughter ]

Like, there's this homeless guy
who lives, um --

I mean, he doesn't live
anywhere.

But I mean...

By definition, he is at large.

But he's often seen...

...on the corner by my house.

That's --
That's where he is every day.

That's where he reports
to nothing every day.

And I walk by him every day.
Every day.

Because I go to the same store
every day.

I go to Claire's. I don't know
if you know Claire's.

It's a children's jewelry store.

I go in there every morning.

Buy a handful
of rhinestone earrings.

I run home. Anyway...

[ Laughter ]

I walk by this homeless guy,
and every morning, he goes,

"Hey, man.
Can you help me out?"

I go, "Okay."
I give him five bucks.

Then on the way home,
like 20 minutes later,

he said, "Hey, man."
He doesn't remember.

Which is fine, but I don't want
to give him another five bucks.

You know? 'Cause I only
have a few million.

I don't know why. I should.
Clearly I should.

I don't know
what makes me go like,

"Mnh. You had your 5 dollars,
young man."

[ Laughter ]

What, am I gonna spoil him?
Give him the fucking money.

[ Laughter ]

[ Sighs ] Anyway...

I'll tell you a little
about my life.

I, uh -- I was raised
in an orphanage

about a block
from my parents' house.

And, uh...

That's a joke. But my --
my father -- This is true.

My father is Mexican,
and, uh...

[ Scattered cheers ]

Hey. You're not supposed
to be here. Anyway...

No, but -- I won't, you know --
It's alright.

Good for you. Um...

[ Laughter ]

Naughty, naughty. Alright.

My father's Mexican.

My mother is dead.

Uh, so I'm half-dead
on my father's side.

On my mother's side.
My father's a Mexican.

A lot of people
don't believe I'm Mexican.

And when I tell them
I'm Mexican,

they say stupid things like,

"Well, how can you
look like that?"

What do you mean, how?

Like I'm trying
not to look Mexican?

Like, "No. Look. See?

I'm not Mexican."

Then I get home like,
"Blblb. Señor."

[ Laughter ]

My parents divorced
when I was about 10,

and now I have two kids,

and their parents
are divorced, too,

which is interesting.

Um, I remember
when we got divorced

and we told the kids because
you should tell your kids

if you're getting divorced.

Don't just do it and wait for
them to be like, "Hey..."

"Yeah. Duh. Fucking..."
You got to tell them.

But, so, I remember
it's a tricky thing

because they were little,
and you got to tell them

in a way that they can get
in their life, you know?

So I remember
we sat the kids down

and I said, "Listen.
Love is tricky.

Like, you love your dog, right?
You love your dog.

You would do anything
for your dog.

You even give your dog food
off your plate when you're

not supposed to because
you love your dog, right?

One time remember
your mom and I were like,

'Don't give the dog ham,'

but you did because
you love your dog so much.

Okay, so that's why
we're getting a divorce.

Because you don't listen
and..."

"We can't take it anymore.
It's too difficult.

So we're going to move
to separate homes

and each have you
for half the week,

because neither of us wants
to be with you all the time.

And it's very sad because I love
your mother very, very much.

And she loves me very much.

But we hate you more."

[ Laughter ]

So that's how we --
that's how we handled it.

We just did our best.

I remember my father was tough.

My dad was tough.
Mexican father.

I remember one time
I was 6 years old,

I was crying,
and my father said,

"I'll give you something
to cry about."

And then he fucked me
in the ass.

[ Laughter ]

And you know what? He was right.

[ Clears throat ]
I did cry.

[ Laughter ]

And I realized that
what I had been crying about

was not that important,
you know?

So, you know, you got to
teach your kids, man.

You got to teach your kids.

By the way, I should say to you
that that's not true.

That's not a true story.

I should say that
because my dad's still alive

and he could do it again.

Um, so, yeah...
it didn't really happen.

Alright.

Um -- Anyway.

[ Laughter ]

You got to teach your kids.
And it's tricky, you know?

Like, some people say
you shouldn't --

You should tell your kids
not to curse.

But I can't do that
because it's what I do

for a living, is cursing.

But I didn't want my kids
to be unpopular.

So I used to say to them,
"Listen. There's no bad words.

There's no bad words.
All words are okay.

But there's some words
that certain people get upset

when you use them.

So if you're gonna use
those words,

look at the person first

and try to guess
if they're that kind of person."

[ Laughter ]

It's tricky teaching your kids
right from wrong

because people disagree

about right and wrong
in such big numbers.

Like, millions of people think
that abortion is wrong

and millions of people think
that abortion is great.

So that's confusing.

Personally, I don't think --
Here's what I think.

I think you should
get an abortion.

Right or wrong. Right or wrong.
You should get one.

You should get as many abortions
as you can.

I think you should try
to get a lot of abortions.

Here's why.
Because it creates jobs.

[ Laughter ]

More abortions, more jobs.

For the nurses and the doctors
and the dumpster guy.

Everybody gets a job.

They need to work!

How is he gonna feed his kids
if you don't kill your kids?

That's what I'm saying.
We're all in it together.

Abortion is a big topic
right now, of course,

because Roe v. Wade
was overturned.

Roe versus Wade.
We all know what this was.

Roe versus Wade.
It was a court case.

Roe was a woman
who wanted an abortion,

and Wade was the baby,
I guess -- I don't know.

[ Laughter ]

I'm just...

I'm just guessing.

I never found out who Wade was.

I'm just guessing
that's the baby.

But, anyway, now we need to
make laws in place of that.

Every state has to make
their own law about abortion,

and they need to listen
to the people.

And I think the American people,
on average, want the same thing.

Most Americans
want the same thing.

They want abortion
to be available

but, uh -- but just, eh,
keep it down a little bit.

Just, you know -- Just --

Just, eh, you know.

"Yeah, go ahead,
but don't be like, 'Whoo-hoo!'"

Like, just, you know,
take it easy on that.

Take it easy on that.
That's all.

So we need a law
that kind of gives you that.

Here's what I think
the law should be.

You can get an abortion
at any place, any time,

but you have to eat it.

I think --

Because that'll make you
hesitate a little.

"Ugh. Fuck. I gotta eat it?

I better do it soon."

[ Laughter ]

I'm just trying to
come up with something

that makes everybody happy.

It's a tricky subject.

Some people have very
extreme opinions about it.

Some people think
that condoms are murder.

Some people think contraception
is murder.

If you put a condom on,

you stop the sperm
from getting to the egg.

You killed and murdered
a possible baby.

By that logic, I could say that
any woman that won't fuck me

is a murderer, which...

[ Laughter ]

Let me tell ya -- there's
a lot of murdering bitches

walking around out there.

It's not cool.

And murder is like --
It's weird because, like,

when is murder...murder?

Like, if you kill somebody, it's
like, "Hey, he's a murderer."

The people go, "Hey.
We got to talk about it."

He killed him,
but he might not be a murderer.

Because if you murder --
Like, if you kill somebody,

you know what they base
your sentence on?

They base it on how you felt
when you killed them.

That's weirdly important.

They say, "Okay,
you shot him in the face...

but, like, what was up
with you, man?

Like, what was...
Like, what was going on?"

[ Laughter ]

I think if you murder somebody,
they should base your sentence

on how old the person was
that you murdered.

How much of their life
did you take?

That should be your sentence.
Like, if you see

a 3-year-old girl in a park

and you just kick her
to death...

It's a hypothetical.
Fucking...

I'm not advocating that.

I'm not asking you to do that.

I'm just asking you
to just vividly imagine

just kicking a 3-year-old kid
who you know...

until they're dead.

You got to keep going
until they're...

[ Laughter ]

Alright.

If you --
If you kill a 3-year-old,

you should do a lot of time.

Unless he's got, like, diabetes
or whatever.

You got to figure all that in.
But what if...

What if you kill a guy
who's, like, 98?

He's 98.
He's not even a good 98.

He's -- He's in a hospice.

You know what a hospice is?

It's like a hospital,
but they don't try to help you.

It looks like a hospital,
but the nurse just goes,

"Yeah. He's dying. I..."

So, what if a guy's 98
and he's laying in a hospice

and he's got cancer

and COVID and AIDS...
and he's just, "Egh."

And they already unplugged him.
Nobody's even in there.

And he's like, "Egh-egh-egh"

Then you walk in.
[ Imitates gunshots ]

You should get like five minutes
for that.

That's what I'm saying.

[ Laughter ]

And I was thinking
about that today.

Because I'm going to see
my dad next week.

And my dad --
Let me tell you something.

My dad is not in a hospice.

He's in a facility
being kept alive.

Just -- "Come on!"

Just putting food in and pbht!

Like, what is the fucking point?

What, does he have a secret
he hasn't told yet?

Why?

Because my mom just died.
She just died.

That's what happens, by the way,
for you young people.

One of your parents
is gonna die,

and the other one is
just never gonna fucking die.

They just will never die!

[ Laughter ]

And guess what.
It's not the one you wanted.

Nope.

[ Laughter ]

It's not your "good" parent.

Nobody's got two good parents.

You've got a shitty parent
and a nice parent.

And the nice one just dies

because that's what
nice people do.

"I'll just die. It's okay.
Don't worry about it."

[ Laughter ]

And the shitty one
just hangs in there.

[ Coughing ]

"I'm still alive today!"

[ Laughter ]

"Help me to the toilet again!"

What the fuck is the point?

Of just like, "Come on!

You gotta keep going!"

[ Laughter ]

You know, the average American,
the last week of your life

costs $100,000.

It's more than you spend
your whole life on health care.

$100,000 for just one more week!

One more week of just, "Eghhhh."

Just one more week

so that last sister can fly in
and hold his shitty hand.

"Ehh..."

$100,000.

Pull the plug and buy a boat.
That's all I'm saying.

Because what is the point of --

"You got to live. You got to
keep living no matter what."

I think you can live too long.
I think you can live too long.

Some people are 100.
Get the fuck out of here.

[ Laughter ]

Nobody knows you!

What, are you gonna
run into somebody?

"Hey!"

[ Laughter ]

Some people
are really fucking old.

I was reading about
the oldest person in the world.

There's always an oldest person
in the world.

And you read about them
sometimes

because the other one just died.

That's when they tell you
about the new oldest person.

The last one I read about,
he was 114. A hundred --

You know --
He's a teenager after 100.

[ Laughter ]

114. That means he's got a kid
who's like 92...

who's like,
"Please fucking die!"

[ Laughter ]

"I'm just hanging around
so I can have one week

without you in it!"

[ Laughter ]

I mean, I get it. It's scary.

You don't want to die.
Life is good, you know?

You don't want to die.
Death is a weird thing.

Because when you --
Okay, when you're --

When you're like 30 --
Okay. That's about here.

Okay. 30 is here. Okay.

That's birth.
That's death over there.

When you're 30,
you don't even give a fuck

because you're just,
"Yeah, yeah. Hey."

You don't realize
that there's this movement.

You don't even notice
that you're, you know...

"Eh, what's going on? Ehh.

I hated that movie."

"Yeah. Me too..."

And you kind of hear, way off,
people falling off the edge.

"Aah!"

"Hm. I don't know.
What was that? I don't know.

That's okay."

And before you think
you should be there,

you get right to the point --
You see somebody. "Aah!"

"Oh, fuck. I knew that guy.
Jesus Christ.

Oh, no, no, no. Go ahead.
I'm waiting for somebody.

No. Go ahead. I'm sorry."

And you want to hang around.

But here's what helps you,
is that life doesn't stay good.

You know?
Like, both my hands hurt.

I'm 55. Both my hands hurt.

Both my hands, both my knees,
both my hips.

I'm lucky
I have only one asshole.

But I have a lot of pain.

[ Laughter ]

I mean, there's some good things
in life when you're older.

Some people
do extraordinary things.

I watched a porn the other day.
I watched a --

Okay. I didn't --
Somebody sent it to me.

It's true.
I mean, some porn is awful.

You ever been watching a porn
that's a little off the path?

And you're like, "This is bad
that I'm watching this.

This is -- This is changing me.
I can feel it. This is...

This is evil."

Then you look.
It's got 375 million views.

"I guess we're all
watching this one.

Either that, or I've lost track
of how many times I've seen it.

[ Laughter ]

But a friend of mine
sent me a porn.

He said,
"You need to watch this."

So I click on it.
It was two old men in their 90s.

Just fucking
sucking each other's cocks.

It was unbelievable.

They were so -- I was surprised
they were doing anything.

And there's like --
The one guy's

sitting on the edge of the bed
and his socks are falling,

you know?

And the other one
is just fucking sucking...

[ Laughter ]

And then they switch places.

I watched long enough
to see them switch places.

[ Laughter ]

And when the second guy
was done --

I mean, they didn't cum.
Neither of them came.

It was just like, "That's
enough, Alfred. Thank you."

[ Laughter ]

But I call my friend. I said,
"Why'd you show me this?"

He said,
"Because it's incredible."

And it was, you know?
I wasn't turned on.

I was inspired.

Because you worry
about old guys, you know?

[ Laughter ]

You know when you see an old guy
walking alone with a grapefruit

in a plastic bag
and he's just...

And you just stand there
watching him and you go,

"Fuck. God damn it, man."

Well, maybe he's going to suck
another old guy's cock.

[ Laughter ]

Life might not be as bad
as you think, you know?

[ Laughter ]

-[ Cheers and applause ]
-Yeah.

Alright.

Fucking water's
all the way here.

Hi. How you doing?

-I love you!
-Alright. More jokes.

Anyway...

[ Laughs ]

I like life very much.
I do.

Um, I like doing this
because I get to travel

and I love going
to other countries.

I've been to a lot
of other countries this year.

I played a lot in Europe
and stuff. Here's the thing.

There's a trade-off when
you travel to other countries.

Because you don't get the things
that you're used to,

but you do get other things
that you didn't have before.

Like, I was in Sweden.

Okay, if you're in Sweden
at a hotel, you get breakfast.

If you want maple syrup,
they don't have it.

They don't have maple syrup,
but they do have...

[ Speaking Swedish gibberish ]

[ Laughter ]

"Do you have maple syrup?"

"No, but we have...

[ Speaking Swedish gibberish ]

"I'll have that.
That sounds good."

[ Laughter ]

It's the same
all over the world.

You go to Tokyo. "Hey.
Do you have peanut butter?"

"No, but we have...

[ Shouting Japanese gibberish ]

"I don't know. Is that spicy?"

[ Laughter ]

It's the same
all over the world.

You go to Africa...

Oh, okay. Just the Japanese
and the Swedish.

Yeah. No. Yeah. Good call.

Yeah. That's fair. Yeah.

Fuck the Swedish
or the Japanese.

But lay off the Africans
'cause they don't --

They can't take a joke.

Yeah, they're a very fragile
people in Africa.

They need some fucking people
in New York

to protect them from humor.

That's a good -- good --
Way to be on it, guys.

Fair enough. Fair enough.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Eh, fuck it.

[ Singing gibberish ]

I don't know. Whatever.
Anyway...

[ Laughter ]

I love traveling. I...

I was on a plane the other day.
I farted so many times.

God damn it. God damn it.
I farted so many times.

You know when you're on a plane
and you fart a couple of times

and you're like, "Fair is fair.
Everybody's farting."

[ Laughter ]

But you ever just keep farting
and you're like,

"This might be an issue.

This is --
This is a lot of farting.

This might be the most times
anybody ever farted anywhere."

And I was worried.
Sure enough, when I landed,

they gave me the airplane.

They're like, "You ruined it.
Just fucking take it home.

We tried flying it around
with the doors all open."

[ Laughter ]

I got stopped in security
the other day

because of my carry-on bag,
you know?

When they put it
through the thing

to make sure you don't
have a gun in your carr--

Who's still doing that?
Who's still trying?

"Hey, maybe this time they'll
let me get through with a gun.

Shit.
It's gonna be a tough year."

[ Laughter ]

They stopped my bag.
I had clay in my bag.

I sometimes travel with clay.
I'm not an artist,

but I just like --
I just make little dicks.

They're this big, and I just --
They're perfect. And I make it.

And I hold it and I walk around
town with it. Nobody knows.

[ Laughter ]

Shh.

And then when I get frustrated,
I just smush it.

"And now you're nothing.
Now you're nothing."

Anyway, it's relaxing.

So I had clay in my bag.

I didn't think this was an issue
for security until I saw her --

She took the plastic bag of gray
clay out of my -- She goes --

It looks like C-4 plastic
explosive, you know, like a lot.

She says, "What is this?"

And I go, "That's clay
from an art store."

She goes, "No.
I can't let you have that."

I said, "Okay."

So she put it away
and she said,

"Have a nice flight."

I'm like, "Look, either
that's a bomb or it's not."

[ Laughter ]

Like, either -- Give me
my fucking clay back.

Or ask me many questions,
please.

[ Laughter ]

That can't be the procedure.

"Hey, this guy has
a bomb in his bag."

"Oh, yeah. He can't take it
on the plane. I'm sorry."

[ Laughter ]

"No. You --
We'll throw it out for you.

But you can't take it
on the plane because --

I don't know.
It's stupid. I know..."

But I love traveling
because you see people.

I love to see people.
I watch people in their lives.

That's the fun part.
I was in Glasgow, Scotland.

I saw something
I hadn't seen before.

It was an old Scottish man with
a little boy holding his hand,

and they were walking together,
really sweet.

Then they get to the train,

and the man says goodbye
to the little boy.

He kisses him on the lips
for a long time.

I was like,
"Fuck! They do that here?"

Like, it's, like, making out
with him. Like, just kissing.

And the kid had his hand
on the back of the guy's neck.

Just, "Mmm!"

And I was like, "Oh, no!"

Then I look closer
and I realize,

"Oh, it's not a kid.
It's an old lady."

It's like a little
Scottish old lady

with red hair, you know?

Then I looked even closer and
realized, "Oh, no, it is a kid."

[ Laughter ]

And he looks really old
'cause life is hard there.

His dad keeps
making out with him.

That'll put the miles
on your face.

I was in Ohio,
and I went to the zoo.

You go to the zoo when
you're at another town, right?

You don't go to the zoo
where you live.

It's not like
you're at your office.

"Fuck. I should hit the zoo.

Shit! It's gonna close.
God damn it."

[ Laughter ]

"I just really want to see
a monkey right now really bad.

It's gonna be a bad night

if I don't look at a monkey
right in the face.

Gotta hit both my kids
if I don't see a monkey."

[ Laughter ]

So I went to a zoo
with my friend in Ohio.

We went to see the lion.
It's always a shit lion.

It's never a good lion.
He's never going, "Rerh!"

He's just laying on a fake rock
eating lamb from a Costco.

And my friend said,
"That's depressing.

They should free that lion."

[ Laughter ]

It's like, "What are you seeing
in your mind right now?"

He said, "They should
take him to Africa."

And what?
Just let him out of the car?

"Hey. Good luck, lion."

And the lion's like,
"What the fuck is this shit?"

Then the African lions find him.

They're like,
"Hey, how ya doin'?

Where you from?"

"Columbus, Ohio."

"Alright! Well, why don't you
lift that tail?

'Cause my dick is
going right in your ass."

[ Laughter ]

I like animals.

Some people think animals
are better than us.

I heard somebody say,
"Animals don't lie."

Yes, they do.
They lie all the time.

Like, "I'm a leaf." You know?

No, you're not. You're a bug.

"Fuck you. I'm a leaf.
Come on. Shut up."

Some animals I hate.
I hate cockroaches.

I hate -- Even seeing
a cockroach, it's upsetting.

I wonder
if they upset each other.

The cockroach is at home,
and his friend walks up.

"Oh, fuck. Henry, don't.
Please. That's gross."

[ Laughter ]

I like watching shows
about animals.

I was watching a show
about a veterinarian.

And he did that thing.
He was on a farm.

You know when the veterinarian
puts a glove on up to here

and he puts his whole arm
in a cow's vagina.

And then he goes like this.

Okay, here's what's
gonna happen.

[ Laughter ]

I want to have that experience.

Here's the good news.
Here's what I found out.

You don't need to be
a doctor to do that.

[ Laughter ]

Here's the other good news.
You don't need that glove.

[ Laughter ]

You don't need any special
education or attire.

Just pull over if you see a cow.

[ Laughter ]

Hmm.

How's it goin'?

Just another minute.
Just give me another minute.

I like vaginas.

I do. Vaginas are --

They're mysterious.
Not all of them.

Some of them, you're like,
"Yeah, I get it."

[ Laughter ]

Vaginas and penises
are different.

I'm gonna talk about
the difference between penises

and vaginas.
Comedians used to talk

about the difference
between men and women,

but you can't really
do that anymore

because they're not as different
as they used to be.

And there's more genders.
There's a bunch of more genders.

But there's not more genitalia.
There's still just the two.

There's no weird moments like,
"Hey, that's a nice penis."

"Actually, it's a fachamba."

You know? That doesn't happen.

[ Laughter ]

But they are.

Penises and vaginas
are different.

Here's one difference.
You can cut off a penis.

You could just cut it off. Chh!

And it'll fall
right in the soup.

[ Laughter ]

Vagina.
You can't cut off a vagina.

I mean, you can scoop it out

like a grapefruit section,
you know?

But all you did
was make a bigger vagina.

[ Laughter ]

I kind of like it better
when only half of you

laugh at some of this stuff.

Like, it's...

It's -- It's fun.

Um, alright.

[ Cheers and applause ]

So I was --
I was thinking about --

You know what I was
thinking about today?

I was thinking about Jesus.

I was.
I was thinking about Jesus.

And after I came,
I thought that...

[ Laughter ]

Here's what I think.
Here's what I think about Jesus.

Because I was raised Catholic.

And my main feeling about Jesus
is that I feel sorry for him.

I feel sorry for Jesus.
I think he had a hard life.

The last day was
particularly difficult, but...

He had a hard life, Jesus.

He had to wear that underwear,
that thong.

Just that fucking dishrag.

Just burlap yanked up. Ugh!

Imagine?

Just the rash. Fuck.

But I've been thinking
a lot about Jesus,

and I've been thinking about
a lot about his life.

And I started reading a book.
I have one here.

I have a book about Jesus
right here

that I want to share with you.

This is a book
about Jesus Christ.

Just give me a minute here.

Okay.
This is a book about Jesus.

Actually, the whole book
is not about Jesus.

Only this much.
Only that much is about Jesus.

The rest of it
is the Jews going like,

"And then we walked
for 50 years in the desert

and we only had
a little bit of oil!

It was difficult!"

It's -- It --
Fucking -- It's verbose.

It's a lot. Look at that.

It's just Je-w-w-w-ws
just -- fucking --

"And then Jacob bought a goat.

And he had Isaac,

who had Rose, who had Abraham."

I mean --

"And Abraham lived to be 800."

Yeah, I bet he did, too.

[ Laughter ]

The Jews in the early chapters
are all like 800.

And then God was like,
"I can't with these fucking Jews

for 800 years.

I can't.

We're starting heart disease
right now.

Cut 'em down to 10%."

[ Laughter ]

So that's the Jews' part.

And this is the Jesus part.

And they tell you
the life of Jesus.

But here's the weird part --
they tell it to you again

and again and again and again.

They keep telling
the same story.

First Matthew tells it.

And then Mark is like, "Dude,
that's not what the fuck --

Let me tell you what happened.
Let me tell you.

Hey, Paul. Shut up.
You weren't even here."

And I started reading it
because I never read it before,

you know,
because I was raised Catholic.

[ Laughter ]

It's true.

Catholic Church --
they do not encourage reading.

The Jews read their shit
in Hebrew.

And down south,
they fucking read the Bible.

That's what they do.

But the Catholics,
they want you to come in.

They want you to come in
so they can tell you.

They want you to sit down
and they tell you,

and you're like,
"Could I read the book?"

"No, no, I got it.
Just put the book down.
Put it down. I'll tell you.

What? What, you don't
fucking believe me?

Listen.
I'll tell you what happened."

[ Laughter ]

So I got interested in it

because I had a feeling
about Jesus as a person.

And there is --
It's interesting

'cause when
you actually read it,

it's not as lofty.

It's, like, just regular people.

Like, here's --
here's this story of Jesus

turning water into wine, okay?

This is John, chapter 2.

Okay?

"The word of the Lord."
Okay. Here we go.

Okay. Here's what --
Here's what it says.

Just -- Just listen...

[ Cheers and applause ]

Just listen to the first part.

Okay.

[Dramatic voice]
"And the third day, there was

a marriage in Cana of Galilee,

and the mother of Jesus
was there.

And both Jesus was called and
his disciples to the wedding.

And when they wanted wine,

the mother of Jesus
sayeth unto him...

[Nasally voice]
'They have no wine here.'"

[ Laughter ]

This is just anybody's mom
at a wedding!

[ Laughter ]

"They have no wine, Jesus!"

[ Laughter ]

And then listen to this.
Listen to this.

[Dramatic voice]
"And Jesus sayeth unto her...

'Woman, what have I
to do with thee?'"

[ Laughter ]

Jesus is like, "Mom! Don't!

Fucking don't!"

[ Laughter ]

Anyway, I won't read
the whole thing out of there,

but it's a weird story
because he's at a wedding

and they don't have any wine,
so he goes to the guy

who runs the wedding
and he goes, "Hey, what's up?"

And the guy goes, "Yeah, sorry.
There's no wine."

And Jesus says,
"Look in the water barrel."

That's all he says.
"Just look in the water barrel."

Like a close-up magician.
Like, "Flip over the card.

Maybe it's not the red queen."

[ Laughter ]

So the guy looks in
the water barrel,

and he had turned it all into
wine, and everyone rejoiced.

Except the guy
running the wedding

was probably like,
"We did need some water."

[ Laughter ]

"This is actually
a bigger problem."

I have a feeling
a lot of his miracles

were met with mixed...

Like, "Ah. Thanks...Jesus.
That's...

Fuck.

That's a lot of fucking fish,
Jesus."

[ Laughter ]

Like Lazarus. Lazarus.

Jesus brought Lazarus
back from the dead.

Lazarus had been dead
for four days.

And Jesus went to his tomb

and he just said,
"Rise, Lazarus!"

And it worked.

Lazarus came out of the tomb
like, "Eghhhh."

And Lazarus' wife was like,

"Are you fucking
kidding me right now?"

[ Laughter ]

"I thought this day
could not get worse."

But here's the story I wanted
to share with you.

Because this story
is really weird.

I didn't know this story
till I sat down

and read the whole book.

I mean, the Jesus part.

I read the whole thing,

and I found this story
that I never heard before.

And I've seen every Jesus movie,

and this is not
in any Jesus movie.

This is not a very told story

because it's not clear
what it means.

It doesn't have a clear --

You know, usually the Jesus
stories are obvious.

You know what they mean.

He washed your feet,
so you should wash your feet.

Whatever the fuck
they're teaching you.

But this one...

this is the story
of Jesus cursing a fig tree.

How many people, by applause,
know of this story?

-[ Scattered applause ]
-Okay, that's all I need.

Just to make it clear
that it really happened.

I mean, none of this happened.

But I don't --
I'm fucking with you.

I don't know. I don't know.
I'm just saying.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I just wanted it clear
that I didn't make it up.

They did.

Alright.
Okay. Here's what it says.

[ Laughter ]

This is Mark, chapter 11.

It's when Mark went broke.

[ Laughter ]

Okay.

"And Jesus entered
into Jerusalem.

And when he had looked
'round about upon all things

and now the eventide was come,

he went out onto Bethany
with the twelve."

Bethany was, like,
a suburb of Jerusalem.

So, you know, you go into town,
you see all this shit,

but you stay, like,
at the Marriott by the airport.

That's where Bethany is.

"And on the morrow, when they
were come from Bethany,

Jesus was hungry.

And seeing a fig tree afar off,
having leaves,

he came if happily
he might find anything thereon.

But when he came to the tree,
he saw nothing but leaves,

for the time of figs
was not yet."

[ Laughter ]

"And Jesus answered
and sayeth unto the tree,

'No man shall eat fruit of thee
hereafter and forever.'"

"And the disciples heard it.

And in the morning
as they passed by,

they saw the fig tree
dried up from the roots.

And Peter calling
to remembrance,

sayeth unto him,
'Master, behold the fig tree

which thou doth cursethed
is withered away and dead.'

And Jesus answered
and sayeth unto them,

'Have faith in God.'"

[ Laughter ]

What the fuck kind of
a Jesus story is that?

[ Laughter ]

What the fuck
are we supposed to...

"Hey, Jesus.
You killed that tree."

"That's right, motherfucker."

[ Laughter ]

What are we supposed to learn

from cranky, hungry Jesus?

There's no figs on the tree,
so he's like,

"You're fucking dead,
you piece-of-shit tree.

You're fucking dead!"

And the tree is like, "But
the time of figs is not yet!

It's just...
I need another week!

You want fruit out of season,

go to Whole Foods,
you fucking Jew.

I didn't do anything."

[ Laughter ]

I mean,
you can't act like that, man.

You can't act like that.

You walk around
acting like that,

and somebody
will nail you to a cross.

That's what'll happen.
That's what'll happen.

[ Laughter ]

There's a few missteps in the
Jesus story, I'm telling you.

Like, when he went to Jerusalem
for the first time,

his friends put him
on a donkey,

and they took him through town,
through Jerusalem.

And they're like,
"King of the Jews, y'all!

King of the
motherfucking Je-w-w-w-ws!"

And the Jews did not like that.

The Jews were like,
"Not my president." Whatever.

So...

[ Laughter ]

So they nailed him to a cross.

And here's what that looks like.
Hold on a second.

[ Laughs ]

Alright.
I can only face one...

Okay. This is it.
This is the image.

This is the image.
This is the whole --

The craziest thing about
this religion is this image.

'Cause it's fucking macabre,
man. It's fucking gory.

There's like -- Blegh!
And -- Beghhh!

And it's in every polite room
in the world.

It's in hospitals, all over...

Old ladies have it
above their bed,

and it's just --
[Gravelly voice] fucking Jesus.

Like, if you never
saw one before,

you'd be like, "Why the fuck
do you have that everywhere?!"

[ Laughter ]

It's this polite religion.

"Honor thy mother
and thy father because..."

[ Screaming ]

It's just weird.

[ Laughter ]

But I love this image,
I really do. I love it.

It's -- I was raised Catholic,
and I look at it all the time.

Every time I walk by a church,
I go to look at their Jesus.

Because they're all different.

Every Jesus
is a little different.

Sometimes Jesus is suffering,

and sometimes he's just like,

"Ah, well.

I really got myself
in a noodle this time, boy."

[ Laughter ]

Sometimes there's just a cross.

Like, "Oh, fuck. Where'd he go?

Jesus got away."

[ Laughter ]

I was in a Korean church once.

I went to a Korean church.
And they had a Korean Jesus.

Korean Jesus with the --
Don't get mad.

How would I know?

It was a Korean Jesus.
Henh! Alright.

I can't say "Korean Jesus"
and do nothing.

It was a Korean Jesus.

Well, usually, Jesus
has blond hair and blue eyes --

Which he didn't have.

But that's who won everything,
so they get to draw him.

The truth is, Jesus was black,
but that's rare.

It's rare to see a black Jesus.

[High-pitched voice] "Hey, man,
get me the fuck down from here."

Whatever Black...

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ] Well...

I don't know any --
any other Jesuses.

Gay Jesus.
No, I'm not gonna...

Alright. Anyway...

[ Laughter ]

The point is, everybody wants
Jesus to look like themselves,

and that's why I don't like
that he's always skinny.

He's always fucking perfect.

Bothers me.
I've never seen a fat Jesus.

Never one time see just
a fat Jesus just like...

[ Laughter ]

With like 10 nails
in each hand. Just...

[ Laughter ]

He might have been fat.

I'll tell you what
Jesus was not -- is Korean.

[ Laughter ]

There's no Koreans in Jerusalem

in the year 1.

[ Laughter ]

But I was raised Catholic,
and I'm not Catholic anymore.

I didn't like that religion
because they tell you

you're going to hell,
even when you're a kid.

5-year-old kids.

And the church is like,
"Oh, you're going to hell.

Ohh...
You're going to hell."

And you're 5, and you're like,
"What did I do?"

And the church is like,

"You know what you did,
you piece of shit."

[ Laughter ]

You're like, "Oh, yeah. Fuck."

[ Laughter ]

You're a kid, going to hell.

Imagine?
And you're going to hell.

There's no "kids hell."
You understand?

You're going right to the show.

If you're 5 years old and you
steal a crayon from your sister

and then lie about it
and then you get hit by a truck,

you're roommates with Hitler.

There's no...difference.

That's -- I was so scared.

I'm like, "I'm gonna
be roommates with Hitler.

I'm only 5. I already
killed four Jews, though,

so I'm probably gonna
be roommates with Hitler.

[ Laughter ]

They take you in a room,
and Hitler's --

They're pouring hot lead
in his asshole.

He's like -- [Screaming]

And then they tell you --
They're like,

"Alright, get in there, kid.
It's your turn."

[ Laughter ]

Hitler's like,
"Ah. Poor little fella."

[ Laughter ]

Poor Hitler.

I mean, at this point,

he's been down there
for 75 years.

I bet Hitler's nice now.

I bet he's like, "Eh, I don't
know what I was thinkin'."

It's probably Hitler who
greets you when you get to hell.

You know, he's like, "Hi.

Yeah. Yeah. That's me. Yeah...

What's that? Yeah.
It's pretty bad.

It's pretty bad. Yeah, yeah.

What? Oh, yeah. Sure."

[ Laughter ]

I was so scared of hell
when I was a kid.

I remember when I found out
that gay people go to hell.

I got scared. I'm not gay.
But what if God thinks I'm gay?

[ Laughter ]

What if I come off
a little queer to the Lord?

He might be happening to look

when I hit my toe
and I'm like, "Ow!"

And he's like, "I know where
you're going, you faggot."

[ Laughter ]

I mean,
that's not what I believe.

I don't believe that.

God doesn't hate you
'cause you're gay.

God made you gay
'cause he hates you.

[ Laughs ] No, no. No.

I'm just kidding. I'm kidding.

There's no God.

[ Laughter ]

But...I don't know.

[ Cheers and applause ]

But you know
who I feel sorry for?

Besides Jesus and Hitler.

[ Laughter ]

You know who I really feel
sorry for, is a gay man's sperm.

Just think about that
for a minute.

Being the sperm in a gay man,
that's a tough destiny.

That's rough luck.

Because if you're gay,
that's terrific.

But your sperm is not gay.

Your sperm is just excited.

Like, "We're next, fellas!
Here we go!"

Pyoosh!

[ Laughter ]

"Was that shit right there?"

[ Laughter ]

"Who shit
in this chick's pussy?"

[ Laughter ]

Thank you very much, folks.
It was great talking to you.

-[ Cheers and applause ]
-Get home safe tonight.

Thank you very, very,
very, very much.

Good night.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause
continues ]

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continues ]

[ Cheers and applause
continues ]

[ Cheers and applause
continues ]

[ Cheers and applause fades ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

-Dot com.