Original subtitles

-Everybody please give it up for Louis CK!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause continues ]

[ Cheers and applause continues ]

[ Cheers and applause continues ]

-[ Chuckles ] Hey.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

[ Chuckles ] Hey. How you guys doing? Alright?

Ha ha! [ Cheers and applause ]

Alright.

Thank you for -- Uh...

Thanks for coming. I'm -- [ Cheers and applause ]

Alright. Y-You're wasting fucking time.

You're gonna get two less jokes if you don't shut the fuck up.

I'm very glad you're here. I'm really grateful.

I know that, uh, it's not easy being my fan these days.

Uh...

I know that, uh,

all of you have one person who doesn't know you're here.

[ Laughs ]

There's that one person.

"Hey, what are you doing tonight?"

"Just a comedy show. I don't know.

So, you know..."

Sorry for all the trouble I caused you.

But let's, uh -- We'll do a show.

Um, I love doing comedy.

I've been doing it 38 years now, and, uh...

[ Cheers and applause ]

A lot of people ask me if it takes confidence.

Uh, nobody asks me. I just wanted to talk about it.

But...

It does. It takes a certain kind of confidence to do this.

This doesn't mean that I'm a confident person generally.

You know, there's different kinds of confidence.

Like, there's personal confidence.

Personal confidence is like a man wearing white pants.

That takes tremendous personal confidence.

And optimism, really.

To go out in white pants like, "It's gonna be a great day.

"It's gonna be no puddles or pizza."

I could never wear white pants

because I'll get my period, first of all, I know that.

Or diarrhea more likely.

That's really my period.

Diarrhea.

About once a month, I'm like, "Oh, fuck, here we go."

[ Exhales heavily ] "Better just get home.

Don't make any big decisions today."

It's true. You shouldn't, like,

negotiate when you have diarrhea.

If I have diarrhea and you get between me and the toilet,

I'll sell you my house for 10 cents.

Anyway, that's personal confidence.

Another kind of confidence is moral confidence.

Moral confidence.

That's like knowing that you wouldn't have had slaves,

like, back when it was okay.

That's moral confidence, is being able to say,

"I wouldn't have done it.

Even if I lived in 17-whatever in Virginia

and somebody was like, 'You want a slave?'

I would have been like, 'No, I'm all set.'"

And I feel confident I can say that,

but I think it's easy to say that now

because you can't get no slaves.

You can't get one. You can't get one.

You don't have slaves, but that's not because

you're better than back-then people.

It's 'cause they're not available.

There's not -- You don't have to decide that.

It's not like you're bringing groceries to the car

like, "Fuck. It would be really good if I had a slave.

But I won't do it. Mnh-mnh!"

It's not like they have slaves at Home Depot.

I mean, they kind of do. I mean, there are...

There...

There are certain --

You know, like, you can get a Russian woman

to do whatever you want because her family is hostage.

Or you can adopt a kid from Bangladesh who's like 12.

He'll move into your house and do your laundry

and suck your dick, whatever you want.

But even he -- even he gets to leave when he's 18.

Although, who wants 'em when they're that old?

I'm just saying.

Excuse me. I'm just saying...

Anyway, that's moral confidence.

[ Laughter ]

The kind of confidence I have is very specific.

It's that I know how to make jokes

about terrible things.

I know how to do that, and I know I know how to do that.

So that's my -- that's my core competency.

[ Laughs ]

And there's certain people who think there are things

that you shouldn't make jokes about, like Auschwitz.

You shouldn't make jokes about Auschwitz,

some people think, because it was terrible.

Many people died. Children were killed in Auschwitz.

Children that could have grown up

and moved to Brooklyn and hated Black people.

And they didn't get to do that. [ Laughter ]

Exactly. It's terrible. It's terrible.

So some people think you shouldn't joke about Auschwitz.

I have a friend, a comedian from England,

who made a joke about Auschwitz last year.

He got in a lot of trouble. It was a big deal.

It was in the newspapers. He lost jobs.

And at one point, Auschwitz tweeted...

...about it. It said "Auschwitz" with a blue check.

So it was like, "Oh, cool! It's really them!" you know?

And, uh...

[ Laughter ]

They tweeted like, "That's not funny."

And -- I don't know.

I mean, who's running the social accounts that --

Why is the death camp tweeting?

Who is that? "I got a summer job at Auschwitz.

I run the Twitter."

What's...

[ Laughter ]

Because people have different reactions

to terrible things, you know?

Some people think comedy helps.

I don't think it "helps." It doesn't help.

Like, I remember one time there was people --

You remember during the Iraq War.

I don't remember which one, but it was one of the Iraq wars.

And somebody was organizing through the USO

some comedians to go to Walter Reed Medical Center

and visit wounded soldiers in their hospital rooms,

which is a terrible --

It sounds nice, but it's a terrible idea.

They don't need a comedian like,

"Hehrr! Wehrr! Wehrrr!

Errrh! Where ya from? Fuck you."

You know, it's not helpful.

And I wasn't even anybody. I wasn't famous.

But I did it. I was like, "I'm volunteering."

[ Laughter ]

I fucking hate that "me" so much, you know?

But I did it. And I remember we were at the hospital.

It's a very serious place. It's an army hospital.

And the army doctor is giving us a briefing about the soldier

that I'm about to go in and see.

He says, "This kid's name is Travis.

He's from Iowa. He's 20.

He was in Baghdad on patrol,

and somebody threw an IUD."

I mean IED. Sorry.

It wasn't -- It wasn't an IUD.

That's not an effective weapon, really.

"Ugh."

[ Laughter ]

No.

That's funnier than the actual joke, unfortunately.

But I'll go on.

It was an IUD.

IED. Fuck! Fuck.

It's an improvised exploding device.

You know, it's like a bag of ammonia

with Canadian pennies in it.

And they strap it to a Nokia flip phone

and, you know --

[ Imitating Nokia ring tone ]

[ Imitates explosion ] You know.

That's what happened to Travis.

So, the doctor says, "He's been in surgery for 20 hours.

He's about to come out of it.

You're the first face he's gonna see."

[ Laughter ]

I was like, "Can we get his mom to open for me maybe?"

[ Laughter ]

"This is a bad idea."

So I asked the doctor.

I said, "Hey, what do I fucking say to this kid?"

He says, "Here's what you don't say."

He says, "Don't say, 'How you doing?'"

And they tell you that. If you visit a trauma patient,

don't say, "How you doing?" It's stupid.

So, okay. I go in there. Travis is laying there.

"Ugh..."

I'm, like, over his bed. It's obscene.

I can't say, "How you doing?"

So I said the only worst thing.

I said, "What are you gonna do now?"

[ Laughter ]

Anyway...

[ Cheers and applause ]

That's what happened with Travis.

But, you know... people's reaction

to terrible things is different depending --

Like, some people, you know, try to --

Like, I saw a store, and on the door, it said --

it said, "No hate allowed in here."

"Get the fuck out, hate, you piece of shit.

If you come in here, hate, we'll fucking take you in the back

and beat the fuck out of you."

It's a weird idea to -

No hate allowed in the store. I hate my dad.

Am I supposed to stay out here

and deal with it before I come in to buy...

I saw a store with a sign once,

and it said, "92% of our products

are responsibly sourced."

Ninety --

Just don't put anything.

That's...

That's not high enough to brag.

92%.

That means 8% of their clothes are like,

"You don't even want to know how we made this shit.

It was a bloodbath when we made that shirt.

We just ripped the back off the Honduran kid

that was working there."

[ Laughter ]

Some things that are terrible happening in the world,

you just kind of give up.

Like, in New York, there's a lot of homeless people.

There's a lot of homeless people here.

I mean, not in here.

Ha ha! There's none in here.

Ha ha! There's none in here.

There's none in here.

Not even with a ticket he ain't getting in here.

They're not allowed to go where we go.

They're just not allowed.

That's the one part we all agree with.

I don't know what to do about the homeless,

but they're not coming in here.

If you don't have your own indoors,

you can't come into other people's indoors.

Those are the rules. Those are the rules we live by.

I've done benefit shows for homeless people

where homeless people weren't allowed in the show.

[ Laughter ]

There's whole places they don't get to --

Like the airport. They've never even seen an airport.

You've never been at your gate, and some guy's like,

"Hey, I'm trying to get to Tokyo.

Can you help me out?" You know.

[ Laughter ]

But they're everywhere. I mean, I was in Phoenix, Arizona.

120 degrees. 120 degrees.

Homeless people are just standing outside

at intersections with a sign that says, you know,

"Help. I'm on fire." And...

[ Imitates steam hissing ]

But you can't -- You know, you're in a white BMW

like, "I -- Sorry. I can't. I can't.

There's glass here. I don't know how to help you," you know?

[ Laughter ]

And in New York, you see them everywhere.

You walk through them, and you got to make choices

because you can't help all of them...

and you can't help any of them.

So...you choose...

...who to lie to.

"I don't have any --

No. I don't --

No things in any of my...

Sorry."

[ Laughter ]

Like, there's this homeless guy who lives, um --

I mean, he doesn't live anywhere.

But I mean...

By definition, he is at large.

But he's often seen...

...on the corner by my house.

That's -- That's where he is every day.

That's where he reports to nothing every day.

And I walk by him every day. Every day.

Because I go to the same store every day.

I go to Claire's. I don't know if you know Claire's.

It's a children's jewelry store.

I go in there every morning.

Buy a handful of rhinestone earrings.

I run home. Anyway...

[ Laughter ]

I walk by this homeless guy, and every morning, he goes,

"Hey, man. Can you help me out?"

I go, "Okay." I give him five bucks.

Then on the way home, like 20 minutes later,

he said, "Hey, man." He doesn't remember.

Which is fine, but I don't want to give him another five bucks.

You know? 'Cause I only have a few million.

I don't know why. I should. Clearly I should.

I don't know what makes me go like,

"Mnh. You had your 5 dollars, young man."

[ Laughter ]

What, am I gonna spoil him? Give him the fucking money.

[ Laughter ]

[ Sighs ] Anyway...

I'll tell you a little about my life.

I, uh -- I was raised in an orphanage

about a block from my parents' house.

And, uh...

That's a joke. But my -- my father -- This is true.

My father is Mexican, and, uh...

[ Scattered cheers ]

Hey. You're not supposed to be here. Anyway...

No, but -- I won't, you know -- It's alright.

Good for you. Um...

[ Laughter ]

Naughty, naughty. Alright.

My father's Mexican.

My mother is dead.

Uh, so I'm half-dead on my father's side.

On my mother's side. My father's a Mexican.

A lot of people don't believe I'm Mexican.

And when I tell them I'm Mexican,

they say stupid things like,

"Well, how can you look like that?"

What do you mean, how?

Like I'm trying not to look Mexican?

Like, "No. Look. See?

I'm not Mexican."

Then I get home like, "Blblb. Señor."

[ Laughter ]

My parents divorced when I was about 10,

and now I have two kids,

and their parents are divorced, too,

which is interesting.

Um, I remember when we got divorced

and we told the kids because you should tell your kids

if you're getting divorced.

Don't just do it and wait for them to be like, "Hey..."

"Yeah. Duh. Fucking..." You got to tell them.

But, so, I remember it's a tricky thing

because they were little, and you got to tell them

in a way that they can get in their life, you know?

So I remember we sat the kids down

and I said, "Listen. Love is tricky.

Like, you love your dog, right? You love your dog.

You would do anything for your dog.

You even give your dog food off your plate when you're

not supposed to because you love your dog, right?

One time remember your mom and I were like,

'Don't give the dog ham,'

but you did because you love your dog so much.

Okay, so that's why we're getting a divorce.

Because you don't listen and..."

"We can't take it anymore. It's too difficult.

So we're going to move to separate homes

and each have you for half the week,

because neither of us wants to be with you all the time.

And it's very sad because I love your mother very, very much.

And she loves me very much.

But we hate you more."

[ Laughter ]

So that's how we -- that's how we handled it.

We just did our best.

I remember my father was tough.

My dad was tough. Mexican father.

I remember one time I was 6 years old,

I was crying, and my father said,

"I'll give you something to cry about."

And then he fucked me in the ass.

[ Laughter ]

And you know what? He was right.

[ Clears throat ] I did cry.

[ Laughter ]

And I realized that what I had been crying about

was not that important, you know?

So, you know, you got to teach your kids, man.

You got to teach your kids.

By the way, I should say to you that that's not true.

That's not a true story.

I should say that because my dad's still alive

and he could do it again.

Um, so, yeah... it didn't really happen.

Alright.

Um -- Anyway.

[ Laughter ]

You got to teach your kids. And it's tricky, you know?

Like, some people say you shouldn't --

You should tell your kids not to curse.

But I can't do that because it's what I do

for a living, is cursing.

But I didn't want my kids to be unpopular.

So I used to say to them, "Listen. There's no bad words.

There's no bad words. All words are okay.

But there's some words that certain people get upset

when you use them.

So if you're gonna use those words,

look at the person first

and try to guess if they're that kind of person."

[ Laughter ]

It's tricky teaching your kids right from wrong

because people disagree

about right and wrong in such big numbers.

Like, millions of people think that abortion is wrong

and millions of people think that abortion is great.

So that's confusing.

Personally, I don't think -- Here's what I think.

I think you should get an abortion.

Right or wrong. Right or wrong. You should get one.

You should get as many abortions as you can.

I think you should try to get a lot of abortions.

Here's why. Because it creates jobs.

[ Laughter ]

More abortions, more jobs.

For the nurses and the doctors and the dumpster guy.

Everybody gets a job.

They need to work!

How is he gonna feed his kids if you don't kill your kids?

That's what I'm saying. We're all in it together.

Abortion is a big topic right now, of course,

because Roe v. Wade was overturned.

Roe versus Wade. We all know what this was.

Roe versus Wade. It was a court case.

Roe was a woman who wanted an abortion,

and Wade was the baby, I guess -- I don't know.

[ Laughter ]

I'm just...

I'm just guessing.

I never found out who Wade was.

I'm just guessing that's the baby.

But, anyway, now we need to make laws in place of that.

Every state has to make their own law about abortion,

and they need to listen to the people.

And I think the American people, on average, want the same thing.

Most Americans want the same thing.

They want abortion to be available

but, uh -- but just, eh, keep it down a little bit.

Just, you know -- Just --

Just, eh, you know.

"Yeah, go ahead, but don't be like, 'Whoo-hoo!'"

Like, just, you know, take it easy on that.

Take it easy on that. That's all.

So we need a law that kind of gives you that.

Here's what I think the law should be.

You can get an abortion at any place, any time,

but you have to eat it.

I think --

Because that'll make you hesitate a little.

"Ugh. Fuck. I gotta eat it?

I better do it soon."

[ Laughter ]

I'm just trying to come up with something

that makes everybody happy.

It's a tricky subject.

Some people have very extreme opinions about it.

Some people think that condoms are murder.

Some people think contraception is murder.

If you put a condom on,

you stop the sperm from getting to the egg.

You killed and murdered a possible baby.

By that logic, I could say that any woman that won't fuck me

is a murderer, which...

[ Laughter ]

Let me tell ya -- there's a lot of murdering bitches

walking around out there.

It's not cool.

And murder is like -- It's weird because, like,

when is murder...murder?

Like, if you kill somebody, it's like, "Hey, he's a murderer."

The people go, "Hey. We got to talk about it."

He killed him, but he might not be a murderer.

Because if you murder -- Like, if you kill somebody,

you know what they base your sentence on?

They base it on how you felt when you killed them.

That's weirdly important.

They say, "Okay, you shot him in the face...

but, like, what was up with you, man?

Like, what was... Like, what was going on?"

[ Laughter ]

I think if you murder somebody, they should base your sentence

on how old the person was that you murdered.

How much of their life did you take?

That should be your sentence. Like, if you see

a 3-year-old girl in a park

and you just kick her to death...

It's a hypothetical. Fucking...

I'm not advocating that.

I'm not asking you to do that.

I'm just asking you to just vividly imagine

just kicking a 3-year-old kid who you know...

until they're dead.

You got to keep going until they're...

[ Laughter ]

Alright.

If you -- If you kill a 3-year-old,

you should do a lot of time.

Unless he's got, like, diabetes or whatever.

You got to figure all that in. But what if...

What if you kill a guy who's, like, 98?

He's 98. He's not even a good 98.

He's -- He's in a hospice.

You know what a hospice is?

It's like a hospital, but they don't try to help you.

It looks like a hospital, but the nurse just goes,

"Yeah. He's dying. I..."

So, what if a guy's 98 and he's laying in a hospice

and he's got cancer

and COVID and AIDS... and he's just, "Egh."

And they already unplugged him. Nobody's even in there.

And he's like, "Egh-egh-egh"

Then you walk in. [ Imitates gunshots ]

You should get like five minutes for that.

That's what I'm saying.

[ Laughter ]

And I was thinking about that today.

Because I'm going to see my dad next week.

And my dad -- Let me tell you something.

My dad is not in a hospice.

He's in a facility being kept alive.

Just -- "Come on!"

Just putting food in and pbht!

Like, what is the fucking point?

What, does he have a secret he hasn't told yet?

Why?

Because my mom just died. She just died.

That's what happens, by the way, for you young people.

One of your parents is gonna die,

and the other one is just never gonna fucking die.

They just will never die!

[ Laughter ]

And guess what. It's not the one you wanted.

Nope.

[ Laughter ]

It's not your "good" parent.

Nobody's got two good parents.

You've got a shitty parent and a nice parent.

And the nice one just dies

because that's what nice people do.

"I'll just die. It's okay. Don't worry about it."

[ Laughter ]

And the shitty one just hangs in there.

[ Coughing ]

"I'm still alive today!"

[ Laughter ]

"Help me to the toilet again!"

What the fuck is the point?

Of just like, "Come on!

You gotta keep going!"

[ Laughter ]

You know, the average American, the last week of your life

costs $100,000.

It's more than you spend your whole life on health care.

$100,000 for just one more week!

One more week of just, "Eghhhh."

Just one more week

so that last sister can fly in and hold his shitty hand.

"Ehh..."

$100,000.

Pull the plug and buy a boat. That's all I'm saying.

Because what is the point of --

"You got to live. You got to keep living no matter what."

I think you can live too long. I think you can live too long.

Some people are 100. Get the fuck out of here.

[ Laughter ]

Nobody knows you!

What, are you gonna run into somebody?

"Hey!"

[ Laughter ]

Some people are really fucking old.

I was reading about the oldest person in the world.

There's always an oldest person in the world.

And you read about them sometimes

because the other one just died.

That's when they tell you about the new oldest person.

The last one I read about, he was 114. A hundred --

You know -- He's a teenager after 100.

[ Laughter ]

114. That means he's got a kid who's like 92...

who's like, "Please fucking die!"

[ Laughter ]

"I'm just hanging around so I can have one week

without you in it!"

[ Laughter ]

I mean, I get it. It's scary.

You don't want to die. Life is good, you know?

You don't want to die. Death is a weird thing.

Because when you -- Okay, when you're --

When you're like 30 -- Okay. That's about here.

Okay. 30 is here. Okay.

That's birth. That's death over there.

When you're 30, you don't even give a fuck

because you're just, "Yeah, yeah. Hey."

You don't realize that there's this movement.

You don't even notice that you're, you know...

"Eh, what's going on? Ehh.

I hated that movie."

"Yeah. Me too..."

And you kind of hear, way off, people falling off the edge.

"Aah!"

"Hm. I don't know. What was that? I don't know.

That's okay."

And before you think you should be there,

you get right to the point -- You see somebody. "Aah!"

"Oh, fuck. I knew that guy. Jesus Christ.

Oh, no, no, no. Go ahead. I'm waiting for somebody.

No. Go ahead. I'm sorry."

And you want to hang around.

But here's what helps you, is that life doesn't stay good.

You know? Like, both my hands hurt.

I'm 55. Both my hands hurt.

Both my hands, both my knees, both my hips.

I'm lucky I have only one asshole.

But I have a lot of pain.

[ Laughter ]

I mean, there's some good things in life when you're older.

Some people do extraordinary things.

I watched a porn the other day. I watched a --

Okay. I didn't -- Somebody sent it to me.

It's true. I mean, some porn is awful.

You ever been watching a porn that's a little off the path?

And you're like, "This is bad that I'm watching this.

This is -- This is changing me. I can feel it. This is...

This is evil."

Then you look. It's got 375 million views.

"I guess we're all watching this one.

Either that, or I've lost track of how many times I've seen it.

[ Laughter ]

But a friend of mine sent me a porn.

He said, "You need to watch this."

So I click on it. It was two old men in their 90s.

Just fucking sucking each other's cocks.

It was unbelievable.

They were so -- I was surprised they were doing anything.

And there's like -- The one guy's

sitting on the edge of the bed and his socks are falling,

you know?

And the other one is just fucking sucking...

[ Laughter ]

And then they switch places.

I watched long enough to see them switch places.

[ Laughter ]

And when the second guy was done --

I mean, they didn't cum. Neither of them came.

It was just like, "That's enough, Alfred. Thank you."

[ Laughter ]

But I call my friend. I said, "Why'd you show me this?"

He said, "Because it's incredible."

And it was, you know? I wasn't turned on.

I was inspired.

Because you worry about old guys, you know?

[ Laughter ]

You know when you see an old guy walking alone with a grapefruit

in a plastic bag and he's just...

And you just stand there watching him and you go,

"Fuck. God damn it, man."

Well, maybe he's going to suck another old guy's cock.

[ Laughter ]

Life might not be as bad as you think, you know?

[ Laughter ]

-[ Cheers and applause ] -Yeah.

Alright.

Fucking water's all the way here.

Hi. How you doing?

-I love you! -Alright. More jokes.

Anyway...

[ Laughs ]

I like life very much. I do.

Um, I like doing this because I get to travel

and I love going to other countries.

I've been to a lot of other countries this year.

I played a lot in Europe and stuff. Here's the thing.

There's a trade-off when you travel to other countries.

Because you don't get the things that you're used to,

but you do get other things that you didn't have before.

Like, I was in Sweden.

Okay, if you're in Sweden at a hotel, you get breakfast.

If you want maple syrup, they don't have it.

They don't have maple syrup, but they do have...

[ Speaking Swedish gibberish ]

[ Laughter ]

"Do you have maple syrup?"

"No, but we have...

[ Speaking Swedish gibberish ]

"I'll have that. That sounds good."

[ Laughter ]

It's the same all over the world.

You go to Tokyo. "Hey. Do you have peanut butter?"

"No, but we have...

[ Shouting Japanese gibberish ]

"I don't know. Is that spicy?"

[ Laughter ]

It's the same all over the world.

You go to Africa...

Oh, okay. Just the Japanese and the Swedish.

Yeah. No. Yeah. Good call.

Yeah. That's fair. Yeah.

Fuck the Swedish or the Japanese.

But lay off the Africans 'cause they don't --

They can't take a joke.

Yeah, they're a very fragile people in Africa.

They need some fucking people in New York

to protect them from humor.

That's a good -- good -- Way to be on it, guys.

Fair enough. Fair enough.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Eh, fuck it.

[ Singing gibberish ]

I don't know. Whatever. Anyway...

[ Laughter ]

I love traveling. I...

I was on a plane the other day. I farted so many times.

God damn it. God damn it. I farted so many times.

You know when you're on a plane and you fart a couple of times

and you're like, "Fair is fair. Everybody's farting."

[ Laughter ]

But you ever just keep farting and you're like,

"This might be an issue.

This is -- This is a lot of farting.

This might be the most times anybody ever farted anywhere."

And I was worried. Sure enough, when I landed,

they gave me the airplane.

They're like, "You ruined it. Just fucking take it home.

We tried flying it around with the doors all open."

[ Laughter ]

I got stopped in security the other day

because of my carry-on bag, you know?

When they put it through the thing

to make sure you don't have a gun in your carr--

Who's still doing that? Who's still trying?

"Hey, maybe this time they'll let me get through with a gun.

Shit. It's gonna be a tough year."

[ Laughter ]

They stopped my bag. I had clay in my bag.

I sometimes travel with clay. I'm not an artist,

but I just like -- I just make little dicks.

They're this big, and I just -- They're perfect. And I make it.

And I hold it and I walk around town with it. Nobody knows.

[ Laughter ]

Shh.

And then when I get frustrated, I just smush it.

"And now you're nothing. Now you're nothing."

Anyway, it's relaxing.

So I had clay in my bag.

I didn't think this was an issue for security until I saw her --

She took the plastic bag of gray clay out of my -- She goes --

It looks like C-4 plastic explosive, you know, like a lot.

She says, "What is this?"

And I go, "That's clay from an art store."

She goes, "No. I can't let you have that."

I said, "Okay."

So she put it away and she said,

"Have a nice flight."

I'm like, "Look, either that's a bomb or it's not."

[ Laughter ]

Like, either -- Give me my fucking clay back.

Or ask me many questions, please.

[ Laughter ]

That can't be the procedure.

"Hey, this guy has a bomb in his bag."

"Oh, yeah. He can't take it on the plane. I'm sorry."

[ Laughter ]

"No. You -- We'll throw it out for you.

But you can't take it on the plane because --

I don't know. It's stupid. I know..."

But I love traveling because you see people.

I love to see people. I watch people in their lives.

That's the fun part. I was in Glasgow, Scotland.

I saw something I hadn't seen before.

It was an old Scottish man with a little boy holding his hand,

and they were walking together, really sweet.

Then they get to the train,

and the man says goodbye to the little boy.

He kisses him on the lips for a long time.

I was like, "Fuck! They do that here?"

Like, it's, like, making out with him. Like, just kissing.

And the kid had his hand on the back of the guy's neck.

Just, "Mmm!"

And I was like, "Oh, no!"

Then I look closer and I realize,

"Oh, it's not a kid. It's an old lady."

It's like a little Scottish old lady

with red hair, you know?

Then I looked even closer and realized, "Oh, no, it is a kid."

[ Laughter ]

And he looks really old 'cause life is hard there.

His dad keeps making out with him.

That'll put the miles on your face.

I was in Ohio, and I went to the zoo.

You go to the zoo when you're at another town, right?

You don't go to the zoo where you live.

It's not like you're at your office.

"Fuck. I should hit the zoo.

Shit! It's gonna close. God damn it."

[ Laughter ]

"I just really want to see a monkey right now really bad.

It's gonna be a bad night

if I don't look at a monkey right in the face.

Gotta hit both my kids if I don't see a monkey."

[ Laughter ]

So I went to a zoo with my friend in Ohio.

We went to see the lion. It's always a shit lion.

It's never a good lion. He's never going, "Rerh!"

He's just laying on a fake rock eating lamb from a Costco.

And my friend said, "That's depressing.

They should free that lion."

[ Laughter ]

It's like, "What are you seeing in your mind right now?"

He said, "They should take him to Africa."

And what? Just let him out of the car?

"Hey. Good luck, lion."

And the lion's like, "What the fuck is this shit?"

Then the African lions find him.

They're like, "Hey, how ya doin'?

Where you from?"

"Columbus, Ohio."

"Alright! Well, why don't you lift that tail?

'Cause my dick is going right in your ass."

[ Laughter ]

I like animals.

Some people think animals are better than us.

I heard somebody say, "Animals don't lie."

Yes, they do. They lie all the time.

Like, "I'm a leaf." You know?

No, you're not. You're a bug.

"Fuck you. I'm a leaf. Come on. Shut up."

Some animals I hate. I hate cockroaches.

I hate -- Even seeing a cockroach, it's upsetting.

I wonder if they upset each other.

The cockroach is at home, and his friend walks up.

"Oh, fuck. Henry, don't. Please. That's gross."

[ Laughter ]

I like watching shows about animals.

I was watching a show about a veterinarian.

And he did that thing. He was on a farm.

You know when the veterinarian puts a glove on up to here

and he puts his whole arm in a cow's vagina.

And then he goes like this.

Okay, here's what's gonna happen.

[ Laughter ]

I want to have that experience.

Here's the good news. Here's what I found out.

You don't need to be a doctor to do that.

[ Laughter ]

Here's the other good news. You don't need that glove.

[ Laughter ]

You don't need any special education or attire.

Just pull over if you see a cow.

[ Laughter ]

Hmm.

How's it goin'?

Just another minute. Just give me another minute.

I like vaginas.

I do. Vaginas are --

They're mysterious. Not all of them.

Some of them, you're like, "Yeah, I get it."

[ Laughter ]

Vaginas and penises are different.

I'm gonna talk about the difference between penises

and vaginas. Comedians used to talk

about the difference between men and women,

but you can't really do that anymore

because they're not as different as they used to be.

And there's more genders. There's a bunch of more genders.

But there's not more genitalia. There's still just the two.

There's no weird moments like, "Hey, that's a nice penis."

"Actually, it's a fachamba."

You know? That doesn't happen.

[ Laughter ]

But they are.

Penises and vaginas are different.

Here's one difference. You can cut off a penis.

You could just cut it off. Chh!

And it'll fall right in the soup.

[ Laughter ]

Vagina. You can't cut off a vagina.

I mean, you can scoop it out

like a grapefruit section, you know?

But all you did was make a bigger vagina.

[ Laughter ]

I kind of like it better when only half of you

laugh at some of this stuff.

Like, it's...

It's -- It's fun.

Um, alright.

[ Cheers and applause ]

So I was -- I was thinking about --

You know what I was thinking about today?

I was thinking about Jesus.

I was. I was thinking about Jesus.

And after I came, I thought that...

[ Laughter ]

Here's what I think. Here's what I think about Jesus.

Because I was raised Catholic.

And my main feeling about Jesus is that I feel sorry for him.

I feel sorry for Jesus. I think he had a hard life.

The last day was particularly difficult, but...

He had a hard life, Jesus.

He had to wear that underwear, that thong.

Just that fucking dishrag.

Just burlap yanked up. Ugh!

Imagine?

Just the rash. Fuck.

But I've been thinking a lot about Jesus,

and I've been thinking about a lot about his life.

And I started reading a book. I have one here.

I have a book about Jesus right here

that I want to share with you.

This is a book about Jesus Christ.

Just give me a minute here.

Okay. This is a book about Jesus.

Actually, the whole book is not about Jesus.

Only this much. Only that much is about Jesus.

The rest of it is the Jews going like,

"And then we walked for 50 years in the desert

and we only had a little bit of oil!

It was difficult!"

It's -- It -- Fucking -- It's verbose.

It's a lot. Look at that.

It's just Je-w-w-w-ws just -- fucking --

"And then Jacob bought a goat.

And he had Isaac,

who had Rose, who had Abraham."

I mean --

"And Abraham lived to be 800."

Yeah, I bet he did, too.

[ Laughter ]

The Jews in the early chapters are all like 800.

And then God was like, "I can't with these fucking Jews

for 800 years.

I can't.

We're starting heart disease right now.

Cut 'em down to 10%."

[ Laughter ]

So that's the Jews' part.

And this is the Jesus part.

And they tell you the life of Jesus.

But here's the weird part -- they tell it to you again

and again and again and again.

They keep telling the same story.

First Matthew tells it.

And then Mark is like, "Dude, that's not what the fuck --

Let me tell you what happened. Let me tell you.

Hey, Paul. Shut up. You weren't even here."

And I started reading it because I never read it before,

you know, because I was raised Catholic.

[ Laughter ]

It's true.

Catholic Church -- they do not encourage reading.

The Jews read their shit in Hebrew.

And down south, they fucking read the Bible.

That's what they do.

But the Catholics, they want you to come in.

They want you to come in so they can tell you.

They want you to sit down and they tell you,

and you're like, "Could I read the book?"

"No, no, I got it. Just put the book down. Put it down. I'll tell you.

What? What, you don't fucking believe me?

Listen. I'll tell you what happened."

[ Laughter ]

So I got interested in it

because I had a feeling about Jesus as a person.

And there is -- It's interesting

'cause when you actually read it,

it's not as lofty.

It's, like, just regular people.

Like, here's -- here's this story of Jesus

turning water into wine, okay?

This is John, chapter 2.

Okay?

"The word of the Lord." Okay. Here we go.

Okay. Here's what -- Here's what it says.

Just -- Just listen...

[ Cheers and applause ]

Just listen to the first part.

Okay.

[Dramatic voice] "And the third day, there was

a marriage in Cana of Galilee,

and the mother of Jesus was there.

And both Jesus was called and his disciples to the wedding.

And when they wanted wine,

the mother of Jesus sayeth unto him...

[Nasally voice] 'They have no wine here.'"

[ Laughter ]

This is just anybody's mom at a wedding!

[ Laughter ]

"They have no wine, Jesus!"

[ Laughter ]

And then listen to this. Listen to this.

[Dramatic voice] "And Jesus sayeth unto her...

'Woman, what have I to do with thee?'"

[ Laughter ]

Jesus is like, "Mom! Don't!

Fucking don't!"

[ Laughter ]

Anyway, I won't read the whole thing out of there,

but it's a weird story because he's at a wedding

and they don't have any wine, so he goes to the guy

who runs the wedding and he goes, "Hey, what's up?"

And the guy goes, "Yeah, sorry. There's no wine."

And Jesus says, "Look in the water barrel."

That's all he says. "Just look in the water barrel."

Like a close-up magician. Like, "Flip over the card.

Maybe it's not the red queen."

[ Laughter ]

So the guy looks in the water barrel,

and he had turned it all into wine, and everyone rejoiced.

Except the guy running the wedding

was probably like, "We did need some water."

[ Laughter ]

"This is actually a bigger problem."

I have a feeling a lot of his miracles

were met with mixed...

Like, "Ah. Thanks...Jesus. That's...

Fuck.

That's a lot of fucking fish, Jesus."

[ Laughter ]

Like Lazarus. Lazarus.

Jesus brought Lazarus back from the dead.

Lazarus had been dead for four days.

And Jesus went to his tomb

and he just said, "Rise, Lazarus!"

And it worked.

Lazarus came out of the tomb like, "Eghhhh."

And Lazarus' wife was like,

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?"

[ Laughter ]

"I thought this day could not get worse."

But here's the story I wanted to share with you.

Because this story is really weird.

I didn't know this story till I sat down

and read the whole book.

I mean, the Jesus part.

I read the whole thing,

and I found this story that I never heard before.

And I've seen every Jesus movie,

and this is not in any Jesus movie.

This is not a very told story

because it's not clear what it means.

It doesn't have a clear --

You know, usually the Jesus stories are obvious.

You know what they mean.

He washed your feet, so you should wash your feet.

Whatever the fuck they're teaching you.

But this one...

this is the story of Jesus cursing a fig tree.

How many people, by applause, know of this story?

-[ Scattered applause ] -Okay, that's all I need.

Just to make it clear that it really happened.

I mean, none of this happened.

But I don't -- I'm fucking with you.

I don't know. I don't know. I'm just saying.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I just wanted it clear that I didn't make it up.

They did.

Alright. Okay. Here's what it says.

[ Laughter ]

This is Mark, chapter 11.

It's when Mark went broke.

[ Laughter ]

Okay.

"And Jesus entered into Jerusalem.

And when he had looked 'round about upon all things

and now the eventide was come,

he went out onto Bethany with the twelve."

Bethany was, like, a suburb of Jerusalem.

So, you know, you go into town, you see all this shit,

but you stay, like, at the Marriott by the airport.

That's where Bethany is.

"And on the morrow, when they were come from Bethany,

Jesus was hungry.

And seeing a fig tree afar off, having leaves,

he came if happily he might find anything thereon.

But when he came to the tree, he saw nothing but leaves,

for the time of figs was not yet."

[ Laughter ]

"And Jesus answered and sayeth unto the tree,

'No man shall eat fruit of thee hereafter and forever.'"

"And the disciples heard it.

And in the morning as they passed by,

they saw the fig tree dried up from the roots.

And Peter calling to remembrance,

sayeth unto him, 'Master, behold the fig tree

which thou doth cursethed is withered away and dead.'

And Jesus answered and sayeth unto them,

'Have faith in God.'"

[ Laughter ]

What the fuck kind of a Jesus story is that?

[ Laughter ]

What the fuck are we supposed to...

"Hey, Jesus. You killed that tree."

"That's right, motherfucker."

[ Laughter ]

What are we supposed to learn

from cranky, hungry Jesus?

There's no figs on the tree, so he's like,

"You're fucking dead, you piece-of-shit tree.

You're fucking dead!"

And the tree is like, "But the time of figs is not yet!

It's just... I need another week!

You want fruit out of season,

go to Whole Foods, you fucking Jew.

I didn't do anything."

[ Laughter ]

I mean, you can't act like that, man.

You can't act like that.

You walk around acting like that,

and somebody will nail you to a cross.

That's what'll happen. That's what'll happen.

[ Laughter ]

There's a few missteps in the Jesus story, I'm telling you.

Like, when he went to Jerusalem for the first time,

his friends put him on a donkey,

and they took him through town, through Jerusalem.

And they're like, "King of the Jews, y'all!

King of the motherfucking Je-w-w-w-ws!"

And the Jews did not like that.

The Jews were like, "Not my president." Whatever.

So...

[ Laughter ]

So they nailed him to a cross.

And here's what that looks like. Hold on a second.

[ Laughs ]

Alright. I can only face one...

Okay. This is it. This is the image.

This is the image. This is the whole --

The craziest thing about this religion is this image.

'Cause it's fucking macabre, man. It's fucking gory.

There's like -- Blegh! And -- Beghhh!

And it's in every polite room in the world.

It's in hospitals, all over...

Old ladies have it above their bed,

and it's just -- [Gravelly voice] fucking Jesus.

Like, if you never saw one before,

you'd be like, "Why the fuck do you have that everywhere?!"

[ Laughter ]

It's this polite religion.

"Honor thy mother and thy father because..."

[ Screaming ]

It's just weird.

[ Laughter ]

But I love this image, I really do. I love it.

It's -- I was raised Catholic, and I look at it all the time.

Every time I walk by a church, I go to look at their Jesus.

Because they're all different.

Every Jesus is a little different.

Sometimes Jesus is suffering,

and sometimes he's just like,

"Ah, well.

I really got myself in a noodle this time, boy."

[ Laughter ]

Sometimes there's just a cross.

Like, "Oh, fuck. Where'd he go?

Jesus got away."

[ Laughter ]

I was in a Korean church once.

I went to a Korean church. And they had a Korean Jesus.

Korean Jesus with the -- Don't get mad.

How would I know?

It was a Korean Jesus. Henh! Alright.

I can't say "Korean Jesus" and do nothing.

It was a Korean Jesus.

Well, usually, Jesus has blond hair and blue eyes --

Which he didn't have.

But that's who won everything, so they get to draw him.

The truth is, Jesus was black, but that's rare.

It's rare to see a black Jesus.

[High-pitched voice] "Hey, man, get me the fuck down from here."

Whatever Black...

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughs ] Well...

I don't know any -- any other Jesuses.

Gay Jesus. No, I'm not gonna...

Alright. Anyway...

[ Laughter ]

The point is, everybody wants Jesus to look like themselves,

and that's why I don't like that he's always skinny.

He's always fucking perfect.

Bothers me. I've never seen a fat Jesus.

Never one time see just a fat Jesus just like...

[ Laughter ]

With like 10 nails in each hand. Just...

[ Laughter ]

He might have been fat.

I'll tell you what Jesus was not -- is Korean.

[ Laughter ]

There's no Koreans in Jerusalem

in the year 1.

[ Laughter ]

But I was raised Catholic, and I'm not Catholic anymore.

I didn't like that religion because they tell you

you're going to hell, even when you're a kid.

5-year-old kids.

And the church is like, "Oh, you're going to hell.

Ohh... You're going to hell."

And you're 5, and you're like, "What did I do?"

And the church is like,

"You know what you did, you piece of shit."

[ Laughter ]

You're like, "Oh, yeah. Fuck."

[ Laughter ]

You're a kid, going to hell.

Imagine? And you're going to hell.

There's no "kids hell." You understand?

You're going right to the show.

If you're 5 years old and you steal a crayon from your sister

and then lie about it and then you get hit by a truck,

you're roommates with Hitler.

There's no...difference.

That's -- I was so scared.

I'm like, "I'm gonna be roommates with Hitler.

I'm only 5. I already killed four Jews, though,

so I'm probably gonna be roommates with Hitler.

[ Laughter ]

They take you in a room, and Hitler's --

They're pouring hot lead in his asshole.

He's like -- [Screaming]

And then they tell you -- They're like,

"Alright, get in there, kid. It's your turn."

[ Laughter ]

Hitler's like, "Ah. Poor little fella."

[ Laughter ]

Poor Hitler.

I mean, at this point,

he's been down there for 75 years.

I bet Hitler's nice now.

I bet he's like, "Eh, I don't know what I was thinkin'."

It's probably Hitler who greets you when you get to hell.

You know, he's like, "Hi.

Yeah. Yeah. That's me. Yeah...

What's that? Yeah. It's pretty bad.

It's pretty bad. Yeah, yeah.

What? Oh, yeah. Sure."

[ Laughter ]

I was so scared of hell when I was a kid.

I remember when I found out that gay people go to hell.

I got scared. I'm not gay. But what if God thinks I'm gay?

[ Laughter ]

What if I come off a little queer to the Lord?

He might be happening to look

when I hit my toe and I'm like, "Ow!"

And he's like, "I know where you're going, you faggot."

[ Laughter ]

I mean, that's not what I believe.

I don't believe that.

God doesn't hate you 'cause you're gay.

God made you gay 'cause he hates you.

[ Laughs ] No, no. No.

I'm just kidding. I'm kidding.

There's no God.

[ Laughter ]

But...I don't know.

[ Cheers and applause ]

But you know who I feel sorry for?

Besides Jesus and Hitler.

[ Laughter ]

You know who I really feel sorry for, is a gay man's sperm.

Just think about that for a minute.

Being the sperm in a gay man, that's a tough destiny.

That's rough luck.

Because if you're gay, that's terrific.

But your sperm is not gay.

Your sperm is just excited.

Like, "We're next, fellas! Here we go!"

Pyoosh!

[ Laughter ]

"Was that shit right there?"

[ Laughter ]

"Who shit in this chick's pussy?"

[ Laughter ]

Thank you very much, folks. It was great talking to you.

-[ Cheers and applause ] -Get home safe tonight.

Thank you very, very, very, very much.

Good night.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause continues ]

[ Cheers and applause continues ]

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[ Cheers and applause continues ]

[ Cheers and applause fades ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

-Dot com.