Original subtitles

- Hey. - Whoa, man, I think I have that disorder

where you fall asleep after you stay up all night.

That's not a disorder. That's called exhaustion.

What were you doing up all night?

Mrs. S asked me to prep the chilaquiles,

enchilada suizas and huevos motuleños for breakfast.

You made this?

You know the way you say the names of this traditional Mexican breakfast

sounds different from Mom's, but it tastes exactly like it.

My secret? I always have Jeff make it.

Another secret.

Huevos is Spanish for eggs and balls.

Jeff, you shouldn't be staying up all night doing chores for my mom,

especially before we celebrate our anniversary.

Our wedding's birthday?

Sure, so let's be well rested for our wedding birthday dinner tomorrow.

And for the festivities after.

It's our weird sex stuff birthday day too.

Not to me, Jeff.

Okay.

I've just finished designing my costume for the C.I.A. costume party,

and this is how I'll be going.

I don't know what I'm looking at.

You're looking at chicken baby.

Chicken baby.

Dad, I don't think anyone at the CIA is going to understand your costume.

Chicken baby

is not a thing.

Nothing is a thing until it happens for the first time.

Do you know who said that, Steve?

Chicken baby?

Welcome aboard, Steve.

Good morning, USA

I got a feeling That it's gonna be a wonderful day.

The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face.

And he's shining a salute To the American race.

Oh, boy, it's swell to say.

Good morning, USA.

Good morning, USA.

Jeff, we're gonna be late for our dinner reservation.

Well, hello, Ms. Unobstructed forehead.

And who is this persona?

This is no persona.

This is an homage to my favorite man, Tony Mendez.

Was he one of those two brothers who killed their parents?

No, those were the Menendez brothers, both way hotter than this guy.

Tony Mendez is who Ben Affleck played in Argo.

1979, dude made a fake movie to fly hostages out of Iran.

And planes didn't even exist before that.

Tony Mendez made the first airplane.

That isn't true.

Yeah, you got me just trying to lie.

Anyhoo, I'm celebrating the opening of an Argo museum in Fargo, North Dakota.

Apparently they tried to put it in Argo, Alabama,

but there was already a museum dedicated to the movie Fargo there.

Jeff, get down here.

I can't hear any more about Tony Mendez.

He was a Scorpio, and he hated mushrooms.

One sec, babe, I just need to finish recording this song off the radio.

It's the last song I need for Klaus's mix tape for Danuta.

Now you're doing favors for Klaus?

I believe favors means they'll be returned.

I get nothing.

Oh, my God, babe, you are such a people pleaser.

- Thank you. - It's not a compliment.

- It's really not. - Roger.

All right, consider me Gone Girl.

Another great Ben Affleck film.

If you'll excuse me, I'm off to The Town

to bang some Mallrats.

Jeff, you got to learn how to say no.

I told Klaus I was celebrating with you.

But he said making the mix tape

was the most important thing in the world to him.

But he didn't feel like doing it himself because it's boring.

I couldn't say no.

What if he got mad at me?

Who cares if Klaus gets mad at you?

But when someone's mad at me, I get so anxious.

Look, bottom line.

You need to do what you want not what other people want you to do.

- All right, that won't be hard. - Great.

Now, put on this shirt for dinner.

You're not supposed to choose your own clothes.

You got it, babe.

Finally, I get you all to myself.

Nobody coming around being like, "Jeff, chew my food, wipe my butt."

- Oh, no, your shirt. - Whoops!

It's just when you do voices, they're spot on.

But who are they?

Hey, you look like me.

No, I don't.

I look like Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

And I thought the manager said we couldn't do our laundry here.

Hey, new guy. I said no laundry.

Me? I don't...

- I just spilled on my... - You spilled on your shirt,

and now you're doing laundry like I asked you not to.

Well, yeah. But...

Are you trying to make me mad?

Are you not mad already?

Get back in the kitchen or I'll be really mad.

Okay, Boss.

Hey, what's that sloshing?

You better not be an employee doing laundry in there.

Nope. Just a horny customer jerking off.

Very good, sir.

Thank you for choosing Mama Mangia's.

Look at that hot ass dad wearing a...

Did somebody say, hot ass Dad wearing a perfect costume?

Stan, you stepped on my line.

Take it from the top.

Did someone say...

Stan, you're not giving me time to say it.

You know what? Forget it. This is just for Steve's benefit.

My benefit? Ho-ho! Wow!

- What am I looking at? - Right? Right?

Chicken baby in the flesh.

Did I nail it or what?

And instead of milk, Kool Aid and Ever clear?

Nothing but the best for the best dress.

No stress feeling, young and blessed.

Dad, I'm worried you're gonna spend all night explaining your costume.

Oh, okay. I see. You're jealous.

Oh, it's so sad.

But I forgive you. Because, as everyone knows,

Chicken baby has a big heart full of forgiveness.

So go yourself.

And there's Stiles as a werewolf.

Better check your moon schedule before you go camping with this guy.

And look, Dick's a scarecrow.

Wouldn't hurt to check your moon schedule about him, too.

In fact, it's starting to seem like these moon scheduled party favors

aren't as stupid as people first thought.

Bloody hell, Smith. What are you?

Probably should have checked your moon schedule before you chose that get up.

These 2017 moon schedule, right?

Indispensable.

Manager's a real tyrant, huh?

Tell me about it.

He's making me work on my anniversary.

- Jeff! - Customer in the kitchen, hide.

What are you doing?

You left me alone so long

I watched The Irishman in its entirety on my phone.

I'm so sorry, babe.

The manager asked me to wash dishes.

- And then something came up with, um... - Jane's babysitter.

Jane. So she asked me to cover for her.

And I didn't know she was working a double.

Jeff. Table. Now.

Hey, if I don't see you again, I just wanted to say...

Thanks for telling me about all the girls you banged at Christian camp.

Do you understand what I'm saying, Jeff?

Have you said all the parts?

- Get back in the kitchen. - Okay.

- Jeff, sit down. - Okay.

It's happening.

I'm getting angry.

Jeff doesn't work here, you moron.

He's just a people pleaser who can't say no.

My bad.

Thank you for choosing Mama Mangia's.

Jeff, you've got to stop doing what everyone else wants.

You're not just a monkey taking orders.

But I like doing what makes other people happy.

That's my reason for doing anything.

Plus I like monkeys.

What about tonight? Our wedding's birthday.

Did you want this?

Well, you asked me to marry you.

- I what? - You proposed to me.

- I thought you wanted... - I was talking about where we're eating.

Not our whole marriage.

Oh-oh, good. Whew! The restaurant?

No, mmm-mmm, no.

I can't believe you only married me because I asked you to.

Babe, wait.

Could you keep it down, please?

I'm jerking off really hard right now.

Oh, hey, Jeff. What's up, sad ass?

I messed up.

And now Hayley's worried

I just married her because she wanted me to.

But that's what happened, right?

Yeah. But I also married her because I wanted me to.

I love babe.

She called me a people pleaser, which turns out, is a bad thing.

Oh, bad things are harsh.

Hey, could you give me a hand

plucking these strawberry seeds out of my toothbrush?

My fingers are sore from piano lessons.

Sounds like you have to show Hayley

you're capable of making a self-motivated decision.

Is that what I got to do?

Yes. And you can do that by choosing to do something

no one in the world would want to do but you.

My heart's desire?

Yes, but what is that?

I can't tell you that, Jeff, but this little bag can.

Is that drugs?

- Yes. - I love when drugs are the solution.

Your costume is a failure.

You're a big, stupid idiot, Stan.

Time to tear up this Mensa membership card.

Men's Spa?

Oh, that's why no one wanted to do anagrams with me in the steam room.

Whoa! It's chicken baby. Great costume.

Who said that?

My name is Shaman Randy.

You may know me as the part time lifeguard at the Y.

I was full time, but they cut my hours.

I guess they don't care if kids drown from 7-9.

This is Mother Ayahuasca, and on today's journey,

she will show you your heart's desire.

And mess you up real good.

Ayahuasca is so powerful it costs 10 whole dollars for a container

this big at Whole Foods.

Tuttle's confusing Ayahuasca with acai berries.

I'm not correcting him.

Now, Ayahuasca can make you feel a little like vomiting.

But, as the Dalai Lama famously said,

"The more you throw up, the more you grow up."

And then he famously threw up.

Namaste.

- Shaman Randy. - Please call me Shaman Randy.

When will it kick in?

I don't feel any different.

Make my chilaquiles, bitch.

Mix tape dope song.

Shave me, shave my monkey balls.

I'm supposed to be chicken baby. Everybody knows.

Moon schedules.

Get your indispensable moon schedules.

I know what I want?

I know what I want.

I know what I want to do.

Yes, yes, that's quite common.

More have to than want to.

No, I know how to show Hayley

I'm capable of doing things just because I want to do them.

I'm going to drive a plane across America.

Wow! I need you to wipe your mouth immediately.

And you don't mean fly a plane?

No my license is for driving.

I'm going to taxi across the country right back into Hayley's heart.

Well, I gotta hand it to you.

That's certainly something

no one else in the history of time has ever wanted to do.

But there's just the small matter of where to get a plane.

They have a ton of them at the airport.

You know what? I can give you my old plane.

- It's just been sitting gathering dust. - Really?

If Jeff gets a plane, can I get an Amen?

- Amen. - Amen.

Wait! Stop, stop!

It's okay, sir. You hit your head pretty hard,

but you're going to be fine.

No, no, I'm not, my son.

He thinks so little of me.

Well, that's pretty common.

No, somebody recognized my costume.

It wasn't us.

But there was a guy in here.

A shoe, whoever was in that stall got my costume.

And when he ran out to share the good news, he lost his shoe.

He's my Cinderella.

No one's leaving this party until I find him.

When it's a man, you say, Cinderfella, you bigot.

Hayley, did you hide my driving cane?

I'll hide it up your ass if you don't get out of here.

I'm sorry, Klaus.

I don't even know if my husband wanted to marry me.

Wow, I'm touched you would open up to me about this.

And fortunately, I have some advice that'll solve...

What the hell?

Well, babe, I guess it's pretty obvious what this means.

No, not even a little bit.

I'm driving this thing to North Dakota to remove any doubt

about the sincerity of my wedding vows.

That sounds kind of unnecessary, bordering on stupid.

I'm glad you think so, because that proves I'm doing it for me.

Wonder where he's going in such a hurry.

I'm flying this car to Fort Lauderdale to prove to my wife

I love her.

That's sweet.

His wife is gonna be so happy.

So I don't know if my marriage is even real.

Of course, Jeff said, I do.

But he never says no to anything.

Oh, totally. I dared him to kiss a bat, and he did.

He also mounted our TV and hung the picture frames

and got rid of the dead bat in the back of the refrigerator.

This bat's dead?

No, that's a different bat. Our other bat.

Look, what I'm trying to say is,

- I don't even know if Jeff loves me. - Because of the bat?

- No. - Of course, he loves you.

He won't shut up about you.

Oh, my God! Nerf, check out this bat.

Is he freaking gorgeous or what?

Oh, my God, get it.

He's $6000, though.

Screw it. I'm getting it. I got it.

- It's done. - Wait, guys.

What do you mean? Jeff won't shut up about me?

Do you guys talk to him a lot?

Yeah, mostly when he's trimming my bush,

- he always makes it about you. - When he what's-your-what now?

Oh, my God.

Look, Jeff's always going to be a people pleaser.

That's just who he is.

But if you don't realize he loves you, you are bat shit crazy.

Hey, look, someone's driving a big metal bat on the highway.

For those of you who just unmuted your TVs...

Yes. Someone is driving a plane down the road, causing incredible damage.

Eyewitnesses say it even tore through a Foot Locker,

exposing that they do, in fact, have your size in the back.

Now let's throw it over to Memphis,

who like the plane is down on the ground.

You hate to see it, Greg.

Six adult bookstores completely decimated.

What was once the heartbeat of Langley,

affectionately known as Skin Alley, is now no more.

And now I'm standing next to a man

who seems to think I'm going to interview him.

But I'm not. Back to you.

This just feels good.

I'm following my heart showing babe that what we have is real.

And I'm in the middle of a knife fight with Jesus.

It's babe.

Wait. This isn't safe.

I should be in airplane mode.

I'm switching to airplane mode too.

I'm dying.

That's everybody's shoes?

Yes, Stan, you did it.

No one is wearing shoes.

I don't like that tone Dick.

I'm not being stupid.

I'm looking for my Cinderella shoe match.

Where are the hostage negotiators?

Over there.

Why aren't we using them?

'Cause they blew out their voices singing

livin' on A Prayer in the karaoke room.

That was them?

It was worth it.

But we've contacted Smith's family and someone's coming to talk him down.

Oh, boy.

Dad, is everything okay?

Oh, yeah. Better than okay, Steve.

Contrary to what you thought, someone recognized my costume.

And, uh, the... the shoes are for what, Dad?

I'm looking for my Cinderella.

A man who recognized my costume, left a shoe behind.

Couldn't you just look for the person with one shoe?

Millennials. Always taking the easy way.

And you... You're only wearing one shoe, Dad.

- So your Cinderella is... - Me.

So that must mean my subconscious told me

how kick ass my costume was before I passed out.

I guess I should feel lucky to have such a supportive subconscious.

Great, Dad. So, can everybody go home to their families, then?

Not quite yet, Steve.

Maybe you guys didn't know I was chicken baby, but I knew.

And that was the lesson I was trying to teach my son.

Teach all of you, really.

Because if you know who you are in here...

Uh-oh, here comes the tranquilizer.

Then it doesn't matter what anybody else

thinks of you. Chicken baby's a metaphor for being yourself.

Let the party continue.

We still have the photo booth for an hour.

If anyone wants to wear a funny hat with me.

Get off the road. You're making me late!

Ever heard of flying, moron?

Sorry.

I know babe told me not to care if people are mad at me.

But I do care.

I can't not care.

I give up.

Tuttle, put some clothes on, Bud.

We're in mixed company.

I don't wanna.

Babe, we need to talk.

No, babe, we need to talk.

I tried my hardest to show you I love you,

but I just got in everybody's way

and they were honking and I felt terrible.

I failed.

If you don't wanna be married to me, I understand.

No, babe, just the opposite.

I love you, Jeff.

And I know that being a people pleaser

is just part of the whole beautiful package of Jeff.

But I didn't prove I love you.

You don't have to. Nerfer and Danuta did it for you.

Oh, those guys are great.

They let me kiss a bat.

When you try to make people happy, it's your way of showing you love them.

And nobody could make me happier than you do.

What in Tony Mendez's blessed name are you doing?

My girl Margo at the Argo Museum told me to turn on the news

because there's an embargo on my cargo headed for Fargo.

This plane needs to get to North Dakota or I'm not getting 400 bucks.

Wait, this was your idea?

As Jeff's Ayahuasca shaman, I may have had a light hand in guiding him.

Drive my plane to Fargo, drive my plane to Fargo.

That's your heart's desire. Okay?

Drive my plane to Fargo. Heart's desire.

So get back on the plane, Jeff.

You've got to get moving.

No. Find somebody else to drive your plane.

Never mind. I just spotted an extremely qualified candidate.