Original subtitles

As the caretaker of Lance ton Fashion Plaza,

I have loads of important duties.

For example, every morning I flip these switches.

I don't know what they do but I flip them.

Yeah, what are these?

A big part of what I do is unlocking the door in the morning.

If I don't do that, I can't lock it at night.

Which is a huge part of what I do.

The mall's best days are behind her.

But you should have seen this place in the heyday.

It was filled with shoppers, horny teens and the perverts that come with them.

We still get some people.

Those are my bridge players. A lively bunch.

But I'm pretty sure the guy in the hat is dead.

Never mind. He moved.

In the heyday, this fountain was the centerpiece of the LFP.

There was a water show synchronized to the Young Guns II soundtrack.

People used to come from all over town to watch her gush and squirt.

And when I say people, I mean perverts. Lots of them.

This used to be Macy's.

But we don't have an anchor store at the moment.

The owner of the mall, Mr. Javitz, is away working on finding a new tenant.

And he's got a pretty big fish on the line.

It's a secret. The secret belongs to Victoria.

That's all I know. I'm hoping for a big old Talbots.

A lot of people ask me why I don't just quit.

"Malls are dying," they say.

But if Mr. Javitz hasn't given up, there's no way I can.

He is the greatest man I've ever known. Kind, generous.

And he knows basically everything about rugby.

What are you doing?

Yeah, this doesn't seem like it's gonna be a good movie.

What's wrong? Am I not talking enough?

We wanna make a documentary about something fun.

Like monster trucks.

Yeah, monster trucks. They're so loud and so big.

Why can't I go to the good mall and get a summer job there?

Because that's our mall.

And we don't wanna risk running into you.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you're kind of a nerd.

- What is the right way to take that? - Not like that.

Now, if you'll excuse us,

we have a very important family meeting at Buca di Beppo

to discuss the plan for our new food truck.

Why can't I work on that?

Because it's our idea. You weren't there when we thought of it.

I'll always remember it.

You weren't there and then, bam, it came to us.

Fish sticks but on a truck.

Now all we need is the perfect food truck name.

I've got some ideas.

No, you're not allowed to name it. It's gonna be some gross sex pun.

You gotta have a gross sex pun

to rise to the top of the food truck game.

It gets attention and it makes the food taste better.

There's no way it makes the food taste better.

Oh. Save it for the Beps.

The Beps is this way.

Oh, Mr. Javitz, I'm starting to think we'll never get back to the heyday.

I can't remember the last time we had any youth in here.

And where there's no youth, there's no perverts, obviously.

Holy youth-a-moly. A youth.

The heyday is back, Mr. Javitz.

Smells like an old fish tank in here.

Young boy, stop. Where are you going with that smooth skin?

I'm looking for a job, but it seems like there aren't any stores here.

Why work for a store when you can work for the whole mall?

Erastus Unipero-Horton. Mall caretaker.

I don't know if I wanna work for you, Erastus.

Hey, I don't know if I wanna hire you.

That's why we do the interview, you cocky SOB.

No college degree, no high school degree and you don't have a résumé.

I had to grab this paper from the printer

just to give you a chance.

Look at it. It's blank. Steve, do you even want to work here?

- No. - Hmm. Interesting.

- And why is that? - This place is awful.

- I gotta have you. You're hired. - What? Why?

I like that you weren't afraid to give me bad answers.

Come on. I'll show you around.

This is the food court. There's only one restaurant right now,

but that should change when Mr. Javitz comes back.

- Sloatmeal? - Yup. Slow oatmeal.

If you're hungry, I hope you brought something from home,

because at Sloatmeal you have to order 24 hours in advance.

- So it's not just a clever name. - I'm not even sure it's that.

With so many stores closing, we've got a lot of mannequins lying around.

You find any Lucys, you throw them in here.

Steve, her dead flesh-colored eyes are up here.

Man, you are a lawsuit waiting to happen.

One of your main responsibilities, watering the plants.

- These look fake. - Oh, they are.

But Mr. Javitz likes for them to look wet.

Roger, why do you bother with this place?

Mr. Javitz is the first person to ever trust me with this much responsibility.

And when a great man shines his light on you...

Like an ant catching some rays under a magnifying glass.

All right, enjoy your first day.

Did I even agree to work here?

I guess so.

Steve. You hungry? We got extra oatmeal.

- Tuttle, do you work here? - No.

I just come here to exercise, so I've gotten to know the crew.

Hi. I'm Le France. I own and operate SuitFather Part II.

Why Part II?

SuitFather Part I used to be across the hall.

In the heyday, this part of the mall was packed with discount suit stores.

There was SuitFather Part I, Suitplantation,

These Suits Were Made For Buying, Suitar Center,

Suit Life of Zack and Cody, and Zoot Suit Buy-It.

Now I'm the only one left.

With everything closing, why don't you move somewhere else?

I don't know. I guess I'm attached to this place.

- There's a lot of good people here. - Hello.

That's Shania.

She runs Tender Hellos, a very specific greeting card store.

That is specific.

Steve, it's terrible. They're gonna demolish the mall.

That seems like it could be the right move.

Stop. There are people inside. Not that many people but enough.

Relax. We're not gonna blow it up now.

That's right. We love to blow stuff up.

And we got so excited that we came here exactly one month early.

Well, you can't blow up the mall without Mr. Javitz's permission.

- Oh, yes, we can. - Evil bankers.

Mr. Javitz hasn't been making his mortgage payments.

If you can't get the money by next month,

we're going to demolish the mall and build condos.

Condos? The worst of all residences.

Steve, Mr. Javitz is gonna come through with that anchor store.

- But we gotta buy him some time. - Okay, fine.

Oh, thank you. Check it out. Got your wallet.

Let's see. What have we got here?

Oh, my God. You have a condom?

Oh, no. Oh, jeez. How long has this been in here? Kid's got a rubber.

Oh, my God. It's been in here so long,

there's, like, a circle indented into the leather.

Oh, that is so sad. That is so hilarious.

I'm gonna tell everybody. Anyway, here you go.

Thanks again for helping me, Steve. I appreciate you so much.

Okay, stream of consciousness. Let the ideas flow.

Oh! What if we let a stream flow through the mall?

- Okay. - Fine. Something else.

We're trying to get back to the heyday. The heyday.

Oh! What about a hay day? We give everyone who comes to the mall free hay.

Maybe we're too bound by hay.

Do you think we can maybe open it up to ideas beyond hay?

What am I saying? Hay's our bread and butter.

What are they doing here?

I thought maybe it would help to get some outside opinions.

Sure, sure. All right.

I guess my one question is, if they have good ideas,

wouldn't Mr. Javitz have left them in charge?

Roger, when was the last time you talked to Mr. Javitz?

Hmm. I would say 9,000 sleeps.

That's, like, 25 years.

Really? Wow! I'm so good at waiting.

Why is no one eating at our food truck?

I don't get it. We've got plenty of fish.

Which felt like it was gonna be the biggest hurdle.

It's the name. Please let me change the name.

But your idea's so gross.

Fine. What do we got to lose?

You won't regret this.

I need seven sticks, five battered, two double-dipped on the fly.

Look at all this cash. We're rich.

Hey, I saw the name of your truck

and laughed so hard, I just had to try your fish sticks.

Daniel, you gotta get down here. The food is just okay, but the name?

Oh, man. It's kind of funny.

Wear something nice.

So, how can we get people back in the mall?

My daughter saved her rec center by having a dance competition.

I don't wanna copy her exactly, so maybe ski race?

I think Erastus the caretaker is breeding wild dogs

in the old Miller's Outpost location.

- That's, uh, not really an idea. - No. No, it's not.

I wish there was something to eat besides oatmeal.

You sell this card in your store? But that's it.

Roger, I've got it. What is the beating heart of any mall?

- Mr. Javitz's indomitable spirit? - No. The food court.

The key is the food court.

I don't know, Steve.

Unless you mean a food court with, like, a big food judge.

- "I sentence you to free hay." - No, Roger.

We're gonna have a food festival

and fill the food court with food trucks.

Dad just texted me that they have a whole fleet of them.

They're doing really well, apparently.

Well, I guess we could tack that on to the hay idea.

- Okay, go for it. - Yes. We're gonna save the mall.

Also, Tuttle says you're breeding wild dogs here.

If wild dogs are gonna be having sex, which they are, a lot,

I would rather it be under my supervision, Steve.

Don't bust my balls on this.

Well, we've got a lot, a lot, a lot of hard work today.

We got to rock at the government center.

And make the secretaries feel better.

When they put those stamps on the ledgers.

And they got a lot, a lot, a lot of great desks and chairs.

Uh-huh, at the government center.

We gotta make the secretaries feel better.

When they put those stamps on all those letters.

We gotta rock-a, rock-a, rock-a non-stop tonight.

Uh-huh, at the government center.

Make the secretaries feel better.

When they put the stamps on the ledgers.

Gotta hand it to you, Steve. You were dead wrong about the hay.

People showed up for it. We have saved the mall.

For now. But how long can we really keep this going?

We only have to hold on until Mr. Javitz

comes back with a tenant for the anchor store.

But, Roger, people don't go to malls anymore.

And, honestly, I don't think Mr. Javitz is coming back.

Steve, there are things we don't joke about.

Mr. Javitz not coming back

and the time I shit my pants playing racquetball with Judd Apatow.

You need to face it, Roger.

Mr. Javitz abandoned the mall and he abandoned you.

You don't know that. You don't know him.

How could I? He's been gone for 25 years.

Please stop saying "25 years."

Roger?

Roger?

Roger, I'm sorry. I know I was a little harsh. Here.

I just worry that with the mall you're hanging on too tight.

Maybe it's time to let go and admit

that Mr. Javitz isn't gonna walk through that door.

You're right, Steve. He isn't.

Because he's gonna float through it. And here he comes now.

Returning from the dark realm.

Floats like a butterfly, floats like a bee.

It's the J-man. Mr. Javitz.

And this is Steve.

Steve, you're blowing it. Jesus. Call some girls or something.

- What's happening? - Mr. Javitz is a warlock, Steve.

This is why I was always calling him the bone man.

- You never called him that. - Let's not play who said bone man when.

All I know is that years ago I looked into Mr. Javitz's glowing red eyes,

and I've been doing his heinous bidding ever since.

And I never looked back. Unless I was bid to.

It's simple, Steve.

You see, the mall is hungry.

Duh.

It is built on an ancient evil spring

from which I draw my power.

And whenever it gets hungry, every 25 years or so,

the fountain awakens and I help it feed on the living.

What's in it for you? Eternal life?

No, no. I already have that. I guess I just do it to be nice.

So all the people who came to my food festival,

my family, they're gonna die?

The food festival was your idea?

So smart. You brought in so many souls.

Let's not downplay the free hay.

Steve, do you think you would ever want to maybe

look into my glowing red eyes

and become bound to me for evermore?

But you've already got me.

Yes, but Steve is... What's the word?

Better.

Go after him.

Obviously, I'm gonna do this for you, but before I go,

could I maybe just look into your glowing red eyes for, like, one second?

Uh, maybe later, dude.

Totally get it. Totally get it. Keep on rocking.

"Keep on rocking"? He's a warlock. That's the best you could come up with?

You're losing him.

Le France, we got to evacuate the mall. Everyone's gonna die.

Whoa, easy. Sounds like you met Mr. Javitz.

Oh, no. Are you working with him too?

No. Relax.

When Mr. Javitz feeds the mall,

anyone it consumes has their soul trapped here forever.

I'm trapped here until my soul fades away

and I become a mannequin.

- Just like the others. - The mannequins were people?

Those of us who haven't turned into mannequins yet

were trying to keep people away by running terrible, terrible stores.

Is everyone in the mall a ghost?

No. But we don't have time to go through that now. I'll tell you later.

Listen, Shania and I have a plan to save everyone.

Hi.

Mr. Javitz draws his power from the fountain.

So we'll have to destroy it.

Fortunately, the mall is already wired

with explosives from the demolitions crew.

If we use those to destroy the fountain,

the mall will never be able to eat again.

I mean, I follow you.

But if anyone was high in their dorm room trying to understand,

they might wanna splash some water on their face and do a little rewind.

Let's do this.

Oh, Mr. Javitz, where did I lose you?

"You are here." That's right. And I always will be.

Before he was here, you were here.

And so was I To my surprise

I was hypnotized.

By your glowing red eyes.

You are here.

And so am I.

Everyone, run! There's an evil warlock.

Nice try, buddy. You gotta wait your turn for Donut Whore.

You believe you found something in Steve.

But he won't help you.

Kill them all.

He won't help you feed the mall.

You are here.

And so am I.

- The sprinklers aren't strong enough. - Through the old Baby Gap to safety.

You know, a lot of my girlfriends ask me what I see in you, Mr. J.

Why I stick by you when you treat me like this.

And I say, "Listen, girls.

"He's hypnotized me with his glowing red eyes."

You are here.

And so am I.

One look at Steve made me believe.

He will help me kill them all.

He will help me feed the mall.

He is here.

And so am I.

I should walk away

I should let go

I should admit that this is over.

But I don't know how.

And that's the theme.

You are here.

And so am I.

Awaken, my evil spring. It is time for your feast.

Also, I gotta tell you about this kid Steve I met.

He's amazing.

What the heck is this?

They're all gone, Mr. Javitz. I saved them all.

I told you he was amazing.

Steve, are you sure

you don't want to even glance into my glowing red eyes?

He's not interested.

Mr. Javitz, you took everything from me and now I'm taking everything from you.

And that's perfectly suitable.

No!

Or...

Le France, no!

No! I never should have hired you.

I can't lose you, Steve!

Those glowing eyes, they're so red.

At last you are mine.

Are you fricking kidding me?

You think he'll be okay, Steve?

I just want him to learn a lesson, you know.

This fountain is the one thing that can destroy me forever.

You think he heard me or did he say that randomly?

He's so random. It's one of the things I like most about him.

After his glowing red eyes, of course.

All those years of loyal service and he still couldn't see me.

You were right, Steve. I had to let go.

Steve? Are you listening to me?

Oh, man. Javitz got you good. I've been there, buddy.

Enjoy the ride. It's rewarding as hell.

Okay, Dadders, it's time to answer Steve's question about who was a ghost.

Me and Shania, ghosts.

The guy who ran the Bazooka Sharks sock store, not a ghost.

The lady who ran the oatmeal store, ghost.

The documentary crew, one ghost, one regular.

Tuttle? You bet your ass he was a ghost.