Original subtitles

All my life, I felt like I was just going through the motions.

Walking left, walking right,

as if I were a background character in my own life.

And then I saw her.

We locked eyes and that was it.

I loved her instantly.

We've been together ever since.

They don't usually let us talk.

I shot my first husband!

Good morning, USA

I got a feeling That it's gonna be a wonderful day.

The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face.

And he's shining a salute To the American race.

Oh, boy, it's swell to say.

Good morning, USA.

Good morning, USA.

Wow.

Wow is right. We couldn't sleep either.

Tomorrow is the big day. It's all come down to this.

The overnight class trip.

To the most romantic city in the world, Philadelphia.

Two nights, no parents.

You're going to literally fall in love in the city of love.

Well, it's the City of Brotherly Love.

And, brother, you're gonna fall in love.

Steve, tell us again about Milk Girl.

Again?

Give us the goss, boss.

Well, as you all know, she's a tenth grader.

She sits in the front row of my AP Philadelphia class,

puts her backpack on the left side of her chair,

and she drinks a ton of milk.

No cap.

I've been in love with her from afar all year,

and this is the trip where I turn afar

into a-close.

- Is that her? - No.

Is that her?

Guys, I promise when you see her, you will know.

Ee!

Francine, please try to be cool.

Guess who just transferred into AP Philadelphia.

I heard you guys were going to the US Mint,

and I've always been super curious about what money looks like.

I figured we could sit together on the bus

and you can catch me up on other Philadelphia stuff.

Like how cream cheese became a city.

- He can't! - He can't!

Would that I could, pal. See this cooler? Full of milk.

I'm talking skim, whole, almond, unpasteurized.

Milk of Magnesia, should the unpasteurized be a problem.

So the plan is, I sit next to her on the bus.

Dazzle her with the milk buffet. Just lay a solid foundation.

By the time we get to the Rocky Statue part of the trip,

we'll be practically engaged.

OMG, OMG, OMG. That's gotta be her.

She's here. OMG. Don't look. She's perfect just like he said.

There is just something so sweet about her.

And even though I don't know her name yet,

I know we are destined to be together.

Listen up.

I only teach this class for the free trip to Filthydelphia.

I look forward to it all year.

I'm counting on you kids to be cool.

Phew! That's strong.

This is my boy Marty.

Normally, I'd have some teachers or parents chaperone,

but lucky for you, Marty is in town and he's looking to get out of town.

And now, attendance.

I see Milk Girl.

There's Milk Girl's little friend.

And, yeah.

You know what? It looks like you're all here.

If you're here, just get on the bus.

Excuse me.

Excuse.

Sorry.

Coming through.

Um, what do you think you're doing? I am sitting here.

Don't freak out. It's vintage.

This fox has been dead for, like, 70 years.

I wear it to remind me of my grandma.

She was a stone-cold fox. Still is, actually.

And what a bitch. I really admire her.

I can't believe it!

That my grandma is my best friend?

What? No.

I was supposed to be sitting next to a girl up there.

I had the perfect plan.

We were gonna fall in love on this bus.

Well, your perfect plan had a fatal flaw.

Love doesn't exist.

Anyway, hi. I'm Ali.

Well, I'm Steve, and that's insane. Of course, love exists.

- No, it doesn't. - It does, and it conquers all.

Me and that girl up there are soulmates.

Which girl?

The girl drinking milk.

What's her name?

"What's in a name?" Shakespeare.

- So you don't even know her name. - You're distracting me.

- I have to do something. - Something embarrassing?

I'm writing a note asking her out on a date once we get to Philly.

Smart move. Weird and embarrassing.

Pass this up to Milk Girl.

I can't believe I get to watch this.

Believe it, honey.

That's a ghost pepper.

Help! Somebody help me!

Hi, Steve. How's it going back there?

I need a drink! Please!

- Nice try, kid. - You're an amazing chaperone.

Well, my life is over.

So, she got your note. She says, "Yes."

Love conquers all.

We've actually never met Milk Girl,

but we've adjusted our wills to include her.

Oh, we were hoping you could tell us how you two met.

Us? He picked me up on the side of the road.

Anyway, back to Milk Girl.

She's a tenth grader.

- Drinks a ton of milk. - Drinks a ton of milk.

God, I love Philly. Philly is the Paris of America.

Yo, what kind of steak did you get? Whiz, whiz, plus pizza?

Yeah, look at them jawns.

Mm. The food, the language, just gorgeous.

I can't believe people wonder why I do this.

Thanks for meeting me.

The janitor told me this spot had the most romantic view

of the holiday inn across the street.

Got milk? Why, yes, I have.

So, I've been watching you, not in a creepy way,

and I know I don't know you, but I feel like I do.

And I hope you won't mind me saying so, but I love you.

Oh, my God, Steve. Of course, you do.

And you do know me, and you do love me,

because I'm Reese Witherspoon.

- What? - This is so great.

- It is? - Yes.

I had to go undercover as a high school student

to prove to the studio I could still play a 17-year-old.

They said if a boy asks me on a date

and says he's in love with me, they would make the movie.

So, thank you, Steve.

You singlehandedly green-lit Election II Omaha Drift.

Wait. Do you even like milk?

I hate milk. I'm just a really good actress.

Oh, my God!

I also do my own stunts!

How did I meet babe? Well, actually, it's a great story.

How did we meet, babe?

You don't remember how we met?

Okay, here's how we met.

Did we meet at a Braves game?

Who are these people?

And then Reese Witherspoon just jumped off the roof.

This is crazy.

Have you seen these?

What even are these?

You grab one, you get like 30.

Philadelphia is full of wonders.

Oh, my God. My parents keep calling me.

What am I gonna tell them?

I went to Philly and didn't fall in love?

I think that girl in the fur coat threw something at you.

Hey, you! What are you throwing?

- Eggs. - There's eggs?

Okay, this I gotta see.

Sorry. I was just, like, trying to hit you in the face

with all those eggs.

That's not an apology.

Everyone, shut up.

Marty is missing. So is the bus.

Here is a napkin with some places I think we were at.

Pass it around. Take a photo, commit it to memory.

Whatever you have to do.

Here's the plan. Buddy system. That's all I got.

Whoever you are standing next to is your partner for the rest of the trip.

Do no separate. Do not lose each other.

I'm still rolling my face off.

It goes without saying that everything we were supposed to do is canceled.

I don't wanna hear that you guys were at the Liberty Bell

or at Betsy Ross' house or some shit.

You have one objective. Find my friend.

Whoever finds Marty gets an A.

And whoever doesn't find him gets an F!

Move, move, move, move!

I don't even know where Reese Witherspoon

was hiding the parachute.

So, you're, like, dramatic, huh? That's your thing?

That's your takeaway? Don't you think my story's insane?

I once saw Gwyneth Paltrow sunbathing naked on top of a moving car.

Actresses are cool.

- Can I tell you what your problem is? - That will be perfect. Why don't you?

You have high expectations, and you think things matter,

but nothing matters.

"Nothing matters." Will you listen to yourself?

If we don't find Lewis' friend, we'll get Fs in the class.

That doesn't matter to you.

Now you're getting it.

Oh, no! Gum!

There's gum on me! Who would do this?

This is what I mean when I say you're dramatic.

I really thought I was in love, but she was never even an option.

Are you right? Is love not real?

It's good you found out now. Some people never learn.

Oh, man.

How are we gonna find Marty?

I'm a heartbroken child in a strange land.

Calm down, Dame Judi Dench.

My family moved to Langley last year, but I'm from Philly.

This is my town. Hand me that napkin.

Oh. Cool. My dad's favorite strip club is on here.

Hi. Hello.

Yo, what can I get you?

Um, I'm hoping you could help me.

Yeah, yeah, all right. With or without?

I... I'm sorry. I don't speak that language.

I'm looking for a large, drunk gentleman!

Okay, you need to get yourself sorted and stop yelling at me.

I'm so sorry. It's just that I don't have a chaperone,

or a partner, or a bus.

And I don't know anything.

And I'm all alone.

Don't cry, dude. I'll help you.

Lou! I'm taking the rest of the day off!

Anne-Marie, I swear to Christ, if you do this again, you're fired.

What did you say to me?

He's used the same needle for the last five people.

It's fine. We're sisters.

So the guy you're looking for got his bellybutton pierced around 2:00 a.m.

and then he drank a bunch of ink and ran out.

Cool.

Does your chest tattoo say " Dallas"?

Yeah, Cowboys could suck my.

So when are we gonna start looking for my principal's friend?

Yo, Snot, what do you think happens when you die?

I don't know.

Well, I do.

My Uncle Jimmy fell off the 700th level

of the old Veterans Stadium trying to reach a foul ball.

He was legally dead for four minutes.

You know, he got that ball though.

Anyways, he says what happens when you die is you sit in a room

waiting for God to tell you if you were a big enough Phillies fan.

I didn't know that.

I feel I could tell you anything, Snotter.

I'm really glad you're my boyfriend.

- I am? - You bet your tits you are.

We've been almost everywhere on the list and have no useful information.

Here's what we do know. You're obsessed with the little napkin.

I'm not obsessed with the napkin.

You're in a strip club and you haven't taken your eyes off it.

These women are off duty. They deserve their privacy.

So they were here around midnight but got kicked out.

I guess they kept trying to pay for drinks with a fake credit card.

It wasn't even a credit card. It was a sticker of a cat.

They wanted to donate plasma?

No, they came in looking to get plasma.

They were very clear about not wanting to donate any.

They did, however, want to donate sperm. Not something we do here.

But before I could answer, one of them had relations with our mail chute.

This is so stupid! We're never gonna find this guy!

I give up.

I know a great place to eat close by.

It's not on the napkin though, so you probably don't wanna go.

Screw the napkin. Nothing matters.

Hey, can you give me a ride to New York City, or Washington DC?

Or maybe we could skiing in the Poconos.

Philadelphia, three hours away from a lot of great stuff.

This place is the best.

I used to come here all the time with my friend.

It's probably the spiciest restaurant in Philly.

Can you handle it?

I'm a new man. Bring it on.

Speaking of spicy, check them out.

Oh, my God.

Whoa, hey, Ali. What are you doing in town, bud?

We, uh...

We're on a field trip.

Oh, man, that sounds lame.

What up? I'm Derrex, and this is Royce.

I'm his girlfriend.

We just said "I love you" for the first time.

See, Ali, love is real.

We're celebrating at our fave spicy restaurant.

We love spicy stuff.

Well, have a good field trip.

They seem fun. How do you know Derrex?

He's my ex-boyfriend.

Well, not boyfriend. Because he... we don't believe

in labels or love.

Do you wanna leave?

We can't just leave.

It will look like I'm upset, and I'm not.

I'm actually really happy for him.

Steve, don't. That's a Carolina Reaper.

I'll have what he's heaving.

Hey, I know you ate that pepper for me.

You think I liquefied my insides just to get you out of that restaurant?

No way.

That hospital was on the napkin and I'm obsessed with the napkin, so...

I'm sorry you had to throw up and have diarrhea all over the place.

I prefer to think of it as throwing up and throwing down.

Take my coat. You must be freezing.

No way. I love this dress. It's nice on me.

Don't be an idiot. Take it.

My queen, why are we hot wiring a cop car?

Because we ain't got the keys, you dope!

I saw this raisin in 2007 in the lobby of the Ambassador Hotel in Chicago.

It was just sitting there on the floor and I thought it was a bug.

But, no, it was a raisin.

And now it's my raisin.

Guys, I'm sorry I didn't call back sooner.

It's been a really wild 24 hours.

Why are we still talking to you? Put Milk Girl on.

Actually, I have some bad news about Milk Girl.

You're scaring us, Steve.

She's gone. She was...

What the hell do you mean "gone"?

How could you let this happen, Steven?

- She was... - We were gonna invite her to Christmas.

We made a jacket for her that says "Milk Girl is in our family now."

Sorry. I didn't ask you to do that.

Dad drained our pool and filled it with milk.

What are we supposed to do with a pool

full of milk, Steve?

Um, guys, I got really high

and I accidentally ordered a truck full of cereal,

and it just got here, and I don't know what to do.

I tried to eat it, but it's just so dry.

Steve, it looks like everything just might work out after all.

Get the giant spoon, honey.

I'm working on it.

- I couldn't sleep. - I couldn't either.

I just can't stop thinking about that kiss.

Me neither. It was absolutely...

A mistake, right?

I mean, that's not us. That's not who we are.

It obviously didn't mean anything, so I think we should just forget it.

Plus, it was unprofessional. You agree.

Everyone, wake up.

Where is Marty? What the hell, guys?

If you don't find him by 9:00 a.m., you are all expelled!

And I'll also kill you.

I'll start killing one of you every five minutes until he is found.

Starting now.

I was just sneaking to my cousin's room.

I freaking love you!

I freaking love you, too!

I guess you've never heard of Tasty Kakes

or you would have thought that was really funny.

Steve, it seems like you're trying to be really quiet.

I'm not trying. I'm just...

Oh, look, Steve's running and crying.

Steve! Oh, my God!

I'm in love!

That's great, man.

Don't worry, buddy. We're calling for backup.

Dispatch, we got a kid smooshed between two vehicles.

He looks more jacked up than a Philly fanatic tattoo

my cousin Donovan gave me

under the bleachers at the Mummers Parade. Over.

Steve, are you okay?

Not really.

I knew it. You were being really quiet before.

Well, now I'm hurt more than before, like, physically.

But I was hurt emotionally first.

When someone tells me a kiss we had was a mistake, it bums me out.

You're one of the kids I met a couple of days ago.

And I know what you're thinking.

But I'm not being dramatic. I'm just being real.

You say you don't have any feelings at all

and that nothing matters, but it's an act.

You're the Dame Judi Dench, not me.

I like you.

I know that's not a cool thing to say, but I'm not a cool guy.

And if you don't like me back, I can take it.

But you have to tell me how you feel.

Steve, let's talk about this later.

No! Nobody touch me!

I'm not going to the hospital until you tell me how you feel about me.

Fine, I like you.

Marty! He's back.

You thought he was dead. Cried in your room all night.

I think everyone learned a valuable lesson.

Marty always comes through!

When we first met, we hated each other.

I didn't hate you. I just thought you were a dork.

And then Milk Girl was Reese Witherspoon and we became friends.

And we're still just friends.

I know you like me. You said it.

- I'm not sure I said that. - She said it.

You were smooshed between a bus and a car.

I was. I was.

You were refusing medical attention.

Yes, yes, that too.

Anyway, she's a tenth grader and I'm still in ninth grade,

so I'm not allowed to make eye contact with her in school.

But in a couple of years, we'll both be upperclassmen,

so we'll see how it plays out.

Yeah. I guess we'll see.