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1
00:00:03,542 --> 00:00:07,895
Mom, I notice lately you're
putting tilapia in every dish.
2
00:00:07,938 --> 00:00:09,853
Even the ice cream
has fish bones in it.
3
00:00:09,897 --> 00:00:11,333
I 'unno. I dig it.
4
00:00:12,856 --> 00:00:15,859
Welp, gotta go.
Got a date with the library.
5
00:00:15,903 --> 00:00:18,819
Gotta get my read on!
6
00:00:18,862 --> 00:00:20,472
We believe you, honey.
7
00:00:20,516 --> 00:00:22,344
Peace!
8
00:00:23,606 --> 00:00:26,652
There's no wayyyy Mom's reading
at the library every night.
9
00:00:26,696 --> 00:00:28,176
She won't even go
to a restaurant
10
00:00:28,219 --> 00:00:29,917
if it doesn't have
a picture menu.
11
00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:32,615
Of course she's not
actually at the library!
12
00:00:32,658 --> 00:00:34,486
She knows I could
never smooch a bookworm,
13
00:00:34,530 --> 00:00:36,140
let alone do it with one.
14
00:00:36,184 --> 00:00:38,708
I got twenty says Mom's
actually been sneaking
15
00:00:38,751 --> 00:00:41,885
her pet orangutan into the zoo
after hours so it can get laid.
16
00:00:41,929 --> 00:00:44,124
Well, this, of course, hinges
on my other long-standing theory
17
00:00:44,148 --> 00:00:46,455
that Mom has
a secret pet orangutan.
18
00:00:46,498 --> 00:00:49,893
Ben Frank says she's sneakin'
off to be a Patch Adams.
19
00:00:49,937 --> 00:00:53,288
Going to hospitals and goofing
off to get those uptight doctors
20
00:00:53,331 --> 00:00:55,246
to stop taking themselves
so seriously.
21
00:00:55,290 --> 00:00:58,902
Guys, I need to get
something off my chest.
22
00:00:58,946 --> 00:01:02,993
I'm... struggling
with depression.
23
00:01:03,037 --> 00:01:04,821
I'm in the darkest place
I've ever been...
24
00:01:04,865 --> 00:01:08,346
Ooh, ooh! I have a fiver says
Francine is carrying buckets.
25
00:01:08,390 --> 00:01:10,174
Maybe down a road...
26
00:01:10,218 --> 00:01:13,743
or at a...
bucket... factory.
27
00:01:13,786 --> 00:01:15,571
Super interesting.
28
00:01:15,614 --> 00:01:17,225
But didn't you have the CIA
29
00:01:17,268 --> 00:01:19,401
put a tracking device
on Mom's car?
30
00:01:19,444 --> 00:01:20,813
That's so I can know where
your mom is at all times
31
00:01:20,837 --> 00:01:22,621
so I can control her.
32
00:01:22,665 --> 00:01:25,189
But I don't want to use it
for other, twisted reasons.
33
00:01:25,233 --> 00:01:27,409
But isn't this wanting to know
34
00:01:27,452 --> 00:01:29,280
where she is
so you can control her?
35
00:01:29,324 --> 00:01:31,935
No, no, it's not.
Oh, wait! Yeah, it is!
36
00:01:34,546 --> 00:01:38,333
The tracker confirms
Francine's at the... library!
37
00:01:45,470 --> 00:01:47,385
- Hi, Jolene.
- Hey, Francine!
38
00:01:47,429 --> 00:01:49,648
Oh, I put some new
reading materials
39
00:01:49,692 --> 00:01:51,041
in the restroom for you.
40
00:01:53,696 --> 00:01:55,785
- Did you say something?
- I said...
41
00:01:55,828 --> 00:01:57,265
thanks!
42
00:02:31,516 --> 00:02:35,433
I can't believe this!
Francine's a bookworm!
43
00:02:35,477 --> 00:02:38,828
We're not a family of nerds!
We're a family of jocks!
44
00:02:38,871 --> 00:02:41,309
Except for... Steve.
45
00:02:41,352 --> 00:02:42,571
You did this!
46
00:02:42,614 --> 00:02:44,094
Look!
He's got glasses, Stan!
47
00:02:44,138 --> 00:02:45,791
Knock 'em off!
Knock 'em off!
48
00:02:45,835 --> 00:02:49,186
Mom's the one at the library!
I like TV!
49
00:02:49,230 --> 00:02:51,014
T-That's what
the glasses are for!
50
00:02:51,058 --> 00:02:53,799
Oh, Francine! This isn't
how it's supposed to be!
51
00:02:53,843 --> 00:02:55,627
We were going to
grow old together!
52
00:02:55,671 --> 00:02:57,455
And then I would be
the first to die,
53
00:02:57,499 --> 00:03:01,111
she would mourn me for 17 months
and start dating Jackson.
54
00:03:01,155 --> 00:03:03,592
That was the plan!
Did she forget the plan?!
55
00:03:03,635 --> 00:03:06,247
We can't do the plan
if she's a bookworm!
56
00:03:06,290 --> 00:03:09,424
I gotta go down to that library!
57
00:03:09,467 --> 00:03:11,643
Goodbye, cruel world.
58
00:03:13,950 --> 00:03:16,126
I just tried to drown myself.
59
00:03:19,912 --> 00:03:23,525
Smell like Totino pizza roll.
60
00:03:23,568 --> 00:03:25,309
This Steve turd.
61
00:03:29,096 --> 00:03:31,098
Rogu, we have a pool.
62
00:03:31,141 --> 00:03:34,971
Rogu collect doo-doo data.
63
00:03:35,015 --> 00:03:37,408
As a parent, I'm mad,
but as a scientist,
64
00:03:37,452 --> 00:03:39,410
my instinct
is to encourage this.
65
00:03:39,454 --> 00:03:42,805
Rogu missing one doody, though.
66
00:03:42,848 --> 00:03:45,329
Francine.
67
00:03:45,373 --> 00:03:47,505
Really?
Francine's super regular.
68
00:03:47,549 --> 00:03:50,682
She always used to poop
right after dinner.
69
00:03:50,726 --> 00:03:53,685
Francine's not going to
the library to read words!
70
00:03:53,729 --> 00:03:55,470
She's going there
to leave turds!
71
00:03:55,513 --> 00:03:56,862
But why?
72
00:03:56,906 --> 00:03:58,473
Who cares?
73
00:03:58,516 --> 00:04:02,042
I know someone who would care
quite a bit.
74
00:04:03,695 --> 00:04:06,350
Sherlock Groans, poop detective!
75
00:04:06,394 --> 00:04:07,873
I gotta get to the library
76
00:04:07,917 --> 00:04:10,789
to solve the case
of the displaced doo-doo.
77
00:04:10,833 --> 00:04:13,749
Otherwise my nemesis Nancy Poo
might beat me to it
78
00:04:13,792 --> 00:04:15,881
or, worse, the Farty Boys.
79
00:04:15,925 --> 00:04:17,927
So you can see
how serious this is, Rogu.
80
00:04:17,970 --> 00:04:19,276
Yes.
81
00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:22,627
Time is of the ass-scents.
82
00:04:22,671 --> 00:04:25,630
Ah. Good one!
Daddy's proud.
83
00:04:25,674 --> 00:04:28,068
But not too much.
I'm kind of the star here.
84
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:35,336
What are you doing?!
85
00:04:35,379 --> 00:04:36,859
What are you doing?
86
00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:38,426
Sorry. I-I-I know
what you're doing.
87
00:04:38,469 --> 00:04:41,516
But... But why?
But also, hi!
88
00:04:41,559 --> 00:04:44,432
Please tell me my wife
isn't really here!
89
00:04:44,475 --> 00:04:45,781
Hm, what does she look like?
90
00:04:45,824 --> 00:04:47,130
She's got the hair.
91
00:04:47,174 --> 00:04:49,437
Uh, couple little feet.
92
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:51,265
- Does she have the boobs?
- Yes!
93
00:04:51,308 --> 00:04:53,049
Ohh! Francine!
94
00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:54,572
She's in the bathroom.
95
00:04:54,616 --> 00:04:58,489
Thank God! Maybe I can
stop her before she reads.
96
00:04:58,533 --> 00:05:01,318
Mystery fans everywhere
need to know.
97
00:05:01,362 --> 00:05:04,539
Why are you coming to
the library to do your business?
98
00:05:04,582 --> 00:05:06,932
- I don't want to talk about it!
- Come on!
99
00:05:06,976 --> 00:05:10,110
I got dressed up in my Sherlock
Groans outfit and everything!
100
00:05:10,153 --> 00:05:11,459
It's embarrassing.
101
00:05:11,502 --> 00:05:12,938
Uh, which part? The hat?
102
00:05:12,982 --> 00:05:15,027
Or, like, this little cape
on my shoulders?
103
00:05:15,071 --> 00:05:16,594
Francine!
104
00:05:16,638 --> 00:05:18,944
- Are you in there?
- Is that Stan?
105
00:05:18,988 --> 00:05:22,165
Yeah, he's on some jock mission
to not let you read like a nerd.
106
00:05:22,209 --> 00:05:26,952
Francine, we need to talk
about how you're... a reader.
107
00:05:26,996 --> 00:05:29,520
- Told ya.
- Stan can't know I come here to poop!
108
00:05:29,564 --> 00:05:32,001
Maybe...
hide me in the toilet?
109
00:05:32,044 --> 00:05:34,308
Are you kidding? That's
the first place he'll look!
110
00:05:34,351 --> 00:05:36,353
Remember? That's
the first place I looked.
111
00:05:36,397 --> 00:05:38,355
Damn it, Francine!
I'm slowly building up
112
00:05:38,399 --> 00:05:39,965
the courage to enter
the women's room!
113
00:05:40,009 --> 00:05:41,706
You gotta hide me!
114
00:05:41,750 --> 00:05:43,969
I could use my alien powers
115
00:05:44,013 --> 00:05:45,710
to place us in one
of these stories.
116
00:05:45,754 --> 00:05:48,017
- You can do that?!
- You know it!
117
00:05:48,060 --> 00:05:49,932
But I've never done it before,
118
00:05:49,975 --> 00:05:51,673
so it could be highly risky.
119
00:05:51,716 --> 00:05:54,458
It could also be smooth sailing.
Lots of variables here.
120
00:05:54,502 --> 00:05:56,330
I'm a poop detective,
not a book scientist.
121
00:05:56,373 --> 00:05:57,983
Roger, put me in the damn book!
122
00:05:58,027 --> 00:05:59,985
How 'bout we take a trip
to the ballroom?
123
00:06:00,029 --> 00:06:02,249
That sounds fun.
124
00:06:02,292 --> 00:06:03,902
Francine?
125
00:06:05,513 --> 00:06:08,951
Francine!
126
00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:10,996
Did I say that out loud?
127
00:06:12,346 --> 00:06:13,695
Where the hell did she go?
128
00:06:21,659 --> 00:06:25,968
Oh, my God! It worked!
We escaped!
129
00:06:26,011 --> 00:06:28,710
Oh, this kind of ballroom.
130
00:06:28,753 --> 00:06:32,017
Someone stole this
poor woman's clothes!
131
00:06:32,061 --> 00:06:34,150
I can see her ankles!
132
00:06:34,194 --> 00:06:35,543
Perhaps she's a prostitute.
133
00:06:35,586 --> 00:06:37,588
I'm not a prostitute!
134
00:06:37,632 --> 00:06:40,243
For the right amount of money,
anyone's a prostitute.
135
00:06:40,287 --> 00:06:42,506
That's, like, Being Alive 101.
136
00:06:42,550 --> 00:06:46,902
She's so exotic!
She must be Italian!
137
00:06:46,945 --> 00:06:49,339
That's correctamundo.
138
00:06:49,383 --> 00:06:51,254
A-Lisa Lampanelli.
139
00:06:51,298 --> 00:06:53,735
Ooh! Please!
Sing us a song!
140
00:06:53,778 --> 00:06:56,259
Italy has the most
wonderful music.
141
00:06:56,303 --> 00:06:57,956
Follow my lead.
142
00:07:16,061 --> 00:07:19,456
So... I guess we just hang out
in Pride and Prejudice
143
00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:22,590
until Stan gives up and stops
searching the library for me?
144
00:07:22,633 --> 00:07:24,722
Yeah, about that...
Since I helped you escape,
145
00:07:24,766 --> 00:07:27,159
you gotta tell me
why you poop at the library.
146
00:07:28,596 --> 00:07:30,337
It's because of what happened
147
00:07:30,380 --> 00:07:33,296
two years ago
on our flight to Maui.
148
00:07:33,340 --> 00:07:36,952
I had the barbacoa tacos
from Taco King before takeoff,
149
00:07:36,995 --> 00:07:39,955
and it ripped through me
at 10,000 feet.
150
00:07:39,998 --> 00:07:43,741
I was locked in the lavatory
for a solid hour.
151
00:07:43,785 --> 00:07:46,396
Fortunately, Stan was watching
Son of the Mask,
152
00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:48,137
so he didn't notice I was gone.
153
00:07:48,180 --> 00:07:50,052
Okay, so you had diarrhea
on a plane.
154
00:07:50,095 --> 00:07:51,967
I don't understand
the embarrassment.
155
00:07:52,010 --> 00:07:54,012
My mom always told me
156
00:07:54,056 --> 00:07:56,624
to preserve some mystery
in marriage.
157
00:07:56,667 --> 00:07:59,540
Your mom who shaves her
bikini line at the hotel pool?
158
00:07:59,583 --> 00:08:01,324
Just let me say...
159
00:08:01,368 --> 00:08:05,633
not all plane accidents
involve a crash.
160
00:08:05,676 --> 00:08:09,854
After I dropped that stink bomb,
it was bad.
161
00:08:09,898 --> 00:08:12,857
It was "emergency land the plane
162
00:08:12,901 --> 00:08:15,643
because it stinks so bad" bad.
163
00:08:15,686 --> 00:08:17,645
- No!
- In Omaha.
164
00:08:17,688 --> 00:08:19,342
No!
165
00:08:19,386 --> 00:08:22,127
I've never seen Stan so upset.
166
00:08:22,171 --> 00:08:23,955
He swore he wouldn't rest
167
00:08:23,999 --> 00:08:26,523
until he found out
who was responsible.
168
00:08:26,567 --> 00:08:29,178
I've been so afraid
that he'd find out it was me,
169
00:08:29,221 --> 00:08:31,963
I've just been avoiding
our bathroom altogether.
170
00:08:32,007 --> 00:08:33,835
I smashed my champagne flute
for drama,
171
00:08:33,878 --> 00:08:35,532
but I'm having regrets.
172
00:08:35,576 --> 00:08:36,881
Are you listening to me?
173
00:08:36,925 --> 00:08:38,796
I can listen and miss
my champagne
174
00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:40,537
at the same time, Francine.
175
00:08:40,581 --> 00:08:43,975
Ahem! I'm not sure how people
do things in Italy,
176
00:08:44,019 --> 00:08:47,892
but here in England,
we don't discuss diarrhea.
177
00:08:47,936 --> 00:08:49,981
Don't say that word!
178
00:08:50,025 --> 00:08:52,375
They said it!
I was just repeating it!
179
00:08:52,419 --> 00:08:54,116
This is an outrage!
180
00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:56,118
I was falling in love
with Miss Bennett!
181
00:08:56,161 --> 00:08:59,469
Oh, Darcy!
My heart overflows!
182
00:08:59,513 --> 00:09:01,384
But now that
I've heard discussions,
183
00:09:01,428 --> 00:09:04,996
here in England,
of Italian diarrhea,
184
00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:08,826
I've been tempted by the lures
of obscene foreign delights.
185
00:09:08,870 --> 00:09:10,611
Off to Italy!
186
00:09:10,654 --> 00:09:13,788
Wow. First, he thinks
I don't have enough money.
187
00:09:13,831 --> 00:09:16,268
And now I don't have
enough diarrhea?
188
00:09:16,312 --> 00:09:18,662
What do men even want?
189
00:09:18,706 --> 00:09:21,622
These two ruined everything!
190
00:09:21,665 --> 00:09:23,798
Kill the Italians!
191
00:09:27,845 --> 00:09:30,587
Where'd they go?
Why aren't they following us?
192
00:09:30,631 --> 00:09:32,154
I took us into a new book,
193
00:09:32,197 --> 00:09:34,330
whatever was under
Pride and Prejudice.
194
00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:37,420
The books have to be touching
for me to take us into them.
195
00:09:37,464 --> 00:09:40,423
Looks like
we're in a Dr. Seuss.
196
00:09:40,467 --> 00:09:42,077
Is that a Lorax?
197
00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:43,818
I do beg your pardon,
198
00:09:43,861 --> 00:09:46,647
but you appear to be
trespassing in my study.
199
00:09:46,690 --> 00:09:50,085
Ohh! Sherlock Holmes! Roger,
that's, like, your thing.
200
00:09:50,128 --> 00:09:52,609
Sherlock Groans,
at your service.
201
00:09:52,653 --> 00:09:55,699
Sherlock Holmes, at yourservice.
202
00:09:55,743 --> 00:09:56,918
And me?
203
00:09:56,961 --> 00:09:59,442
Still good ol' Francine!
204
00:10:03,490 --> 00:10:06,188
Damn it!
Francine's not a nerd.
205
00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:08,843
How could she like...
Jane Austen?
206
00:10:08,886 --> 00:10:12,455
Maybe if it was
Jane Austen Powers, bay-bee,
207
00:10:12,499 --> 00:10:14,326
then I'd get the appeal.
208
00:10:14,370 --> 00:10:16,328
I wish I could get rid
of all these dumb things.
209
00:10:16,372 --> 00:10:18,461
I think I can help you.
210
00:10:18,505 --> 00:10:19,984
But you're a librarian.
211
00:10:20,028 --> 00:10:21,595
Aren't books, like, your thing?
212
00:10:21,638 --> 00:10:23,379
Oh, I like books.
213
00:10:25,033 --> 00:10:28,123
But I'm married to the flame.
214
00:10:30,778 --> 00:10:33,476
So, you've gotta tell me...
what's with the little cape?
215
00:10:33,520 --> 00:10:34,912
You're not a superhero.
216
00:10:34,956 --> 00:10:37,088
You're right!
It's ridiculous!
217
00:10:37,132 --> 00:10:41,136
Why I wear it is the only
mystery I could never solve.
218
00:10:41,179 --> 00:10:43,747
Would you two shut up?!
Roger, take us home!
219
00:10:43,791 --> 00:10:44,985
That'd be great,
wouldn't it, Francine?
220
00:10:45,009 --> 00:10:46,489
If we could just go back?
221
00:10:46,533 --> 00:10:48,186
Are you saying
we can't go back?!
222
00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:50,188
Maybe.
I just don't know how.
223
00:10:50,232 --> 00:10:52,408
I told you.
This is my first time.
224
00:10:52,452 --> 00:10:55,106
Holmes! Holmes!
The library's on fire!
225
00:10:55,150 --> 00:10:57,587
Check it out.
It's Dr. Watson.
226
00:10:57,631 --> 00:10:59,589
Two Sherlocks?
227
00:10:59,633 --> 00:11:02,200
How do I know
which one to shoot?
228
00:11:02,244 --> 00:11:03,569
Why do you need
to shoot either of us?
229
00:11:03,593 --> 00:11:04,638
Him! Him!
230
00:11:06,553 --> 00:11:08,816
Hey!
I'm Sherlock Groans.
231
00:11:10,992 --> 00:11:14,299
A Diarrhea Adventure?
232
00:11:14,343 --> 00:11:17,346
Roger! I think
we changed the book!
233
00:11:17,389 --> 00:11:20,523
It sounds like we made it
absolutely hilarious, frankly.
234
00:11:20,567 --> 00:11:23,352
But stop wasting time!
There's a fire!
235
00:11:23,395 --> 00:11:26,137
Is this Alice in Wonderland?
236
00:11:26,181 --> 00:11:28,966
Ooh! I've always wondered
what he's smoking.
237
00:11:32,709 --> 00:11:34,624
It's actually pretty weak shit.
238
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:43,590
Whoa! Maybe this is stronger
than I thought.
239
00:11:43,633 --> 00:11:44,852
No, that really happened.
240
00:11:44,895 --> 00:11:46,593
Come on!
241
00:11:49,465 --> 00:11:51,902
The Yellow Brick Road?
242
00:11:51,946 --> 00:11:53,295
We must be in The Wizard of Oz.
243
00:11:55,166 --> 00:11:56,559
Oh, no!
Oh, no, oh, no!
244
00:12:00,737 --> 00:12:03,566
Weird. There's a fire
in all these books.
245
00:12:03,610 --> 00:12:06,221
Oh, no.
I know what's happening.
246
00:12:06,264 --> 00:12:09,398
The librarian is
a recovering pyromaniac!
247
00:12:09,441 --> 00:12:13,445
She just got her 20-year chip
and congratulatory lighter!
248
00:12:13,489 --> 00:12:15,360
And now she's gonna
burn us to death!
249
00:12:15,404 --> 00:12:17,058
Roger, let's go!
250
00:12:17,101 --> 00:12:19,016
Of course, in the book,
the magic slippers
251
00:12:19,060 --> 00:12:21,410
are silver, not ruby.
That was just in the movie.
252
00:12:21,453 --> 00:12:24,631
In fact, Judy Garland has said
it was the ruby slippers alone
253
00:12:24,674 --> 00:12:26,807
that launched her career
as Judge Judy!
254
00:12:26,850 --> 00:12:30,419
We don't have time for...
Ooh! Those look good on you!
255
00:12:30,462 --> 00:12:31,594
Work it, girl!
256
00:12:31,638 --> 00:12:34,684
Oh, yeah!
Now run, girl!
257
00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:42,213
Stan Smith!
I knew I recognized you.
258
00:12:42,257 --> 00:12:44,781
You had that book signing here
a couple months ago.
259
00:12:46,435 --> 00:12:51,048
Book signings happen
at book stores. Dumbass.
260
00:12:51,092 --> 00:12:53,877
Was my failure as an author
261
00:12:53,921 --> 00:12:55,836
why I turned against reading?
262
00:12:55,879 --> 00:12:57,489
Guess I'll never know.
263
00:12:57,533 --> 00:12:59,579
Because I'm destroying
all the evidence!
264
00:13:07,108 --> 00:13:09,327
Oh, thank God!
We're home!
265
00:13:09,371 --> 00:13:11,547
It must be because
of the magic slippers!
266
00:13:15,551 --> 00:13:18,293
Why does Stan look like
a tall, skinny baby?
267
00:13:18,336 --> 00:13:21,862
Uh-oh. That's how he describes
himself in his memoir.
268
00:13:21,905 --> 00:13:24,865
His memoir?
What do you mean, his "memoir"?
269
00:13:24,908 --> 00:13:26,475
I mean, we're still in a book!
270
00:13:26,518 --> 00:13:28,477
You didn't read
your husband's book?
271
00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:31,219
It was self-published.
Yuck.
272
00:13:31,262 --> 00:13:34,614
I trust the coastal elites
to tell me what to read.
273
00:13:34,657 --> 00:13:35,876
Hey, look! It's you!
274
00:13:48,628 --> 00:13:50,673
And Stan gave you
itty bitty apple fritties.
275
00:13:50,717 --> 00:13:53,545
Does he think
I have small boobs?
276
00:13:53,589 --> 00:13:55,504
Or does he want me
to have small boobs?
277
00:13:55,547 --> 00:13:57,506
See, those are
the kinds of questions
278
00:13:57,549 --> 00:14:00,204
great literature provokes.
Now run!
279
00:14:03,730 --> 00:14:05,427
We're trapped!
280
00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:08,822
If we die in Stan's memoir,
do we die in real life?!
281
00:14:08,865 --> 00:14:11,172
Well, I think I'll be fine.
I don't know about you.
282
00:14:11,215 --> 00:14:13,391
- What do you mean?!
- Because of this!
283
00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:15,655
I don't burn!
284
00:14:15,698 --> 00:14:17,569
Being an alien's a hoot!
285
00:14:17,613 --> 00:14:20,050
Why have you been running
from the fire this whole time
286
00:14:20,094 --> 00:14:21,704
if you're gonna survive?!
287
00:14:21,748 --> 00:14:23,793
I was trying to get
my 10,000 steps in.
288
00:14:23,837 --> 00:14:25,752
Plus, if my heart rate
gets over 90,
289
00:14:25,795 --> 00:14:27,144
I get an extra dessert.
290
00:14:27,188 --> 00:14:29,233
I'm thinking...
bananas Foster?
291
00:14:33,716 --> 00:14:36,371
These are good.
I see why people like these.
292
00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:39,635
And there's no cleanup!
293
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:41,855
Seriously?
Nothing, Francine?
294
00:14:41,898 --> 00:14:44,031
I'm working my ass off here
so you can meet the devil
295
00:14:44,074 --> 00:14:45,423
with a smile on your face.
296
00:14:48,557 --> 00:14:50,428
How the hell did that happen?
297
00:14:50,472 --> 00:14:53,475
I can't destroy my own work!
298
00:14:53,518 --> 00:14:56,783
I put four hours of my life
into writing it.
299
00:14:56,826 --> 00:14:59,089
We gotta figure out how
to get out of these books!
300
00:14:59,133 --> 00:15:02,092
Yes! So I can find out
why Stan gave me
301
00:15:02,136 --> 00:15:04,442
those eensy weensy baby boobies!
302
00:15:07,881 --> 00:15:10,361
Jesus!
What is that smell?!
303
00:15:11,972 --> 00:15:13,756
Oh, no! Nooo!
304
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,106
This is the flight when
I took that poisonous dump!
305
00:15:16,150 --> 00:15:18,282
Uch!
306
00:15:18,326 --> 00:15:20,937
Did someone burn the hair
off a dead squirrel?!
307
00:15:20,981 --> 00:15:24,114
I don't smell anything.
308
00:15:24,158 --> 00:15:27,422
Hey! This awful smell
is ruining the Kind bar
309
00:15:27,465 --> 00:15:29,990
I bought at the airport for $17!
310
00:15:30,033 --> 00:15:33,645
Ugh! The stench is drifting
into first class!
311
00:15:33,689 --> 00:15:35,604
Over my dead body!
312
00:15:35,647 --> 00:15:38,955
All coach passengers,
link arms to protect the rich!
313
00:15:42,045 --> 00:15:43,917
On behalf of
the flight crew, I apologize
314
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:46,049
for the smell
coming from our lavatory.
315
00:15:46,093 --> 00:15:49,009
We're gonna have to make
an emergency landing in Omaha.
316
00:15:49,052 --> 00:15:51,576
I know it smells only
slightly better in Omaha,
317
00:15:51,620 --> 00:15:53,883
but they're the only airport
who will accept us.
318
00:15:53,927 --> 00:15:55,580
Omaha!
319
00:15:57,844 --> 00:15:59,280
This is unbelievable!
320
00:15:59,323 --> 00:16:01,412
I'm not going to rest
until I find out
321
00:16:01,456 --> 00:16:04,285
whose dump destroyed
this plane's bathroom!
322
00:16:04,328 --> 00:16:07,505
And if I do somehow rest,
it will be the fitful sleep
323
00:16:07,549 --> 00:16:09,986
of a man who doesn't know
who took said dump.
324
00:16:11,814 --> 00:16:15,775
This is so embarrassing!
How could Stan publish this?!
325
00:16:15,818 --> 00:16:18,081
I wanna go back
to the real world!
326
00:16:18,125 --> 00:16:21,606
Maybe we would go back
if Stan couldn't publish this.
327
00:16:21,650 --> 00:16:23,565
What do you mean?
328
00:16:23,608 --> 00:16:26,263
I mean, if his memoir didn't
exist, we couldn't be in it.
329
00:16:26,307 --> 00:16:28,962
Right. What keeps a book
from getting published?
330
00:16:29,005 --> 00:16:30,746
Well, they wouldn't
publish my book
331
00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:33,140
because it had an unacceptable
amount of bestiality.
332
00:16:33,183 --> 00:16:35,185
Only 14 scenes!
333
00:16:35,229 --> 00:16:38,928
Great! Let's throw a little
bestiality up in this memoir!
334
00:16:38,972 --> 00:16:41,844
That blind guy's German Shepherd
is probably DTF,
335
00:16:41,888 --> 00:16:43,628
so get to it!
336
00:16:45,761 --> 00:16:47,284
The dog turned me down.
337
00:16:47,328 --> 00:16:49,591
Because it thinks
it's better than me!
338
00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:52,812
Okay. What else could keep this
memoir from being published?
339
00:16:52,855 --> 00:16:56,380
Well, you can't self-publish
on Amazon if it has bestiality,
340
00:16:56,424 --> 00:16:58,078
pedophilia, bomb making...
341
00:16:58,121 --> 00:17:00,210
Bomb making?!
Let's do that one!
342
00:17:00,254 --> 00:17:02,691
One hitch... I don't know
how to make a bomb.
343
00:17:02,734 --> 00:17:05,476
I know it's kind of bougie,
but I always buy them pre-made.
344
00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:08,044
Girl, I could make
a pipe bomb in my sleep.
345
00:17:08,088 --> 00:17:09,674
But you don't have
any of the ingredients.
346
00:17:09,698 --> 00:17:12,222
Yeah, but we can
rewrite this memoir
347
00:17:12,266 --> 00:17:13,833
like we did Pride and Prejudice.
348
00:17:17,445 --> 00:17:21,014
A gallon of rubber cement,
a half cup of salt,
349
00:17:21,057 --> 00:17:24,191
10 pounds of manure,
a steel pipe,
350
00:17:24,234 --> 00:17:26,671
and a Barbie leg for a fuse.
351
00:17:26,715 --> 00:17:29,587
- Voilà! Pipe bomb.
- You did it!
352
00:17:29,631 --> 00:17:30,675
Aaaaahhhh!
353
00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:33,635
Hey!
There's my rake!
354
00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:35,593
It's actually not.
I-I brought this from home.
355
00:17:35,637 --> 00:17:36,943
What a weird lie.
356
00:17:36,986 --> 00:17:38,379
I'm a weird guy.
357
00:17:40,294 --> 00:17:42,470
Aw, come on!
I just raked that!
358
00:17:42,513 --> 00:17:44,602
Did I actually make it back?
359
00:17:44,646 --> 00:17:46,866
Just in time to ruin my pile.
360
00:17:46,909 --> 00:17:48,650
My precious pile.
361
00:17:48,693 --> 00:17:51,435
Stan.
I-I have to be honest.
362
00:17:51,479 --> 00:17:54,917
I don't come
to the library to read.
363
00:17:54,961 --> 00:17:56,397
I come here to poop.
364
00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:59,835
In the books? Nice!
So you are a jock!
365
00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:02,272
No, Stan.
In the bathroom.
366
00:18:02,316 --> 00:18:03,926
To hide my real secret.
367
00:18:03,970 --> 00:18:06,146
Sorry I'm late.
368
00:18:06,189 --> 00:18:08,626
I jumped into the book 1984
to go back
369
00:18:08,670 --> 00:18:11,847
and get the Daytona Beach
spring break I always wanted.
370
00:18:11,891 --> 00:18:15,503
Suffice it to say,
it was not totally tubular.
371
00:18:18,158 --> 00:18:19,724
I don't get it, Francine.
372
00:18:19,768 --> 00:18:22,814
Your secret is you eat tacos
in the bathroom stall?
373
00:18:22,858 --> 00:18:24,207
That's not so bad.
374
00:18:24,251 --> 00:18:26,253
I once went back to get
the half cup of beer
375
00:18:26,296 --> 00:18:27,863
I left on the toilet
at Shea Stadium.
376
00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:29,865
Although it was
completely untouched
377
00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:32,607
and even more full than before,
it's still a little gross.
378
00:18:32,650 --> 00:18:35,392
I don't always
eat tacos in the bathroom,
379
00:18:35,436 --> 00:18:38,830
but I do always end up
in the bathroom afterwards.
380
00:18:41,921 --> 00:18:43,444
- What?
- Sir, in your story,
381
00:18:43,487 --> 00:18:45,446
I think you were
drinking pee-pee!
382
00:18:45,489 --> 00:18:48,405
No, little girl.
It was just delicious hot beer!
383
00:18:48,449 --> 00:18:50,973
Are you getting
a whiff of anything yet?
384
00:18:51,017 --> 00:18:52,322
Like what?
385
00:18:57,675 --> 00:18:59,895
Oh, God!
386
00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:01,418
Omaha was you!
387
00:19:01,462 --> 00:19:03,681
I know.
388
00:19:03,725 --> 00:19:05,727
How could you hide this from me?
389
00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,294
I was raised to think a woman
390
00:19:07,337 --> 00:19:09,687
should keep some mystery
in her marriage.
391
00:19:09,731 --> 00:19:11,472
But I don't want that.
392
00:19:11,515 --> 00:19:13,430
I want to know everything
about you, Francine.
393
00:19:13,474 --> 00:19:16,477
You do?!
Even the gross stuff?
394
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:18,348
Yes, especially the gross stuff.
395
00:19:18,392 --> 00:19:20,960
But you seemed so upset
on the plane.
396
00:19:21,003 --> 00:19:22,787
Yeah, I was mad I didn't
get to shake hands
397
00:19:22,831 --> 00:19:24,746
with the butt
that made that mess!
398
00:19:24,789 --> 00:19:27,009
It was hilarious! Everyone
on the plane was like...
399
00:19:27,053 --> 00:19:29,881
Ugh-ugh-eghh-egh-egh!
400
00:19:29,925 --> 00:19:33,929
Wow! That is a weight
off my shoulders.
401
00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:35,452
You know what?
402
00:19:35,496 --> 00:19:37,498
I'm gonna poop at home
from now on,
403
00:19:37,541 --> 00:19:39,891
no matter how smelly it is.
404
00:19:39,935 --> 00:19:42,982
I would love nothing more,
Francine.
405
00:19:43,025 --> 00:19:45,345
Although I don't think you can
ever top your airplane poop.
406
00:19:45,375 --> 00:19:47,290
Nothing will ever be funnier
than that.
407
00:19:47,334 --> 00:19:49,684
Is that why you put it
in your memoir?
408
00:19:49,727 --> 00:19:51,164
You read my memoir?
409
00:19:51,207 --> 00:19:53,905
Yeah! It really...
sucked me in.
410
00:19:53,949 --> 00:19:55,733
That's so sweet of you.
411
00:19:55,777 --> 00:19:58,016
Man, that thing was terrible.
No one would even publish it.
412
00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:01,913
Well, those coastal elites are
out of touch with what's good.
413
00:20:01,957 --> 00:20:05,482
But, hey, why'd you write
about me having a flat chest?
414
00:20:05,526 --> 00:20:07,310
What was that all about?
415
00:20:07,354 --> 00:20:09,356
Flat chest?
Oh, that must be a typo.
416
00:20:09,399 --> 00:20:11,184
I meant to write
"fat chest."
417
00:20:11,227 --> 00:20:13,273
I love them fat sacks, baby!
418
00:20:13,316 --> 00:20:15,014
Oh, Stan.
419
00:20:15,057 --> 00:20:17,494
You always know
just what to say.
420
00:20:21,803 --> 00:20:24,197
I was a little surprised
to find a website
421
00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:26,112
that matched depressed singles
with each other.
422
00:20:26,155 --> 00:20:28,375
But look at you!
423
00:20:28,418 --> 00:20:30,594
Score for Klaus!
424
00:20:30,638 --> 00:20:33,641
You didn't say in your e-Sadness
profile that you're a fish.
425
00:20:33,684 --> 00:20:35,773
Oh, I see
the miscommunication here.
426
00:20:35,817 --> 00:20:37,079
I was lying.
427
00:20:37,123 --> 00:20:40,648
Yeah, I don't date liars.
428
00:20:40,691 --> 00:20:44,565
Oh, and, by the way,
I'm super into sex.
429
00:20:44,608 --> 00:20:46,784
Well, you didn't explicitly
say in your profile
430
00:20:46,828 --> 00:20:48,351
that you weren't a fish!
431
00:20:48,395 --> 00:20:50,788
And you don't see me
crying about it!
432
00:20:53,226 --> 00:20:56,620
I miss sex!
433
00:20:56,664 --> 00:20:58,274
Bye-bye! See you soon!
32329
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