All language subtitles for American Dad! - S18E08 - Dancin A-With My Cells-ing

Mom.

Mom. Psst!

What is it, sweet pea?

I know it's before 6:00
and I'm a'sposed to stay asleep,

but could I play
with a couple toys in my room

if I promise to be extra quiet?

Steve, we haven't had that rule
since you were 3 years old.

Yes, but I still follow it
independently.

Maybe just my
Woodland Creatures Nesting set?

Sure, baby.

It has a mouse named Seymour.

Nuh, guh-way.

And there's a rabbit and an owl.

- And there's a bear.
- Please, still dreaming.

- Can I play with him?
- Sex with hot lady.

He sounds loud and mean,
but I promise he's not.

Beach.
Now she's an owl.

- Oh, good.
- Why is she an owl?

- He's actually. - un-bear-ably cute.
- Come back, hot lady.

Okay, that's that.
I'm awake!

Steve, we're trying to sleep.

I know, Dad, that's why
I was using my soft voice.

I hate your soft voice.

It reminds me
everything about you is soft.

Stan, he's just a boy.

He can't be as hard as you.

Well, now I'm soft
because he put an owl

into my dream about hot,
filthy, porno-style ssss...

sandwiches!

Heard dad singing.

- That's my cue.
- What are you doing?

Oh, I always sleep in here
when you leave.

I feel like if I switch beds
once a day,

I've really
accomplished something.

It's a little productivity tip
I got from Garfield.

Francine, are we sure
these kids are mine?

100%.

With Steve.

And Hayley, y-y-yes.

The standoff between police

and the backwoods militia
ended last night

in tragic, murderous fashion,

soaking our streets in blood,

and many now wonder
who will clean those streets

before Langley's
6th Annual Bed Race!

Bed Race? Sounds like something
my kids would be into.

Teams are already working
around the clock

to prepare
for this grueling event,

because those beds aren't
for sleeping and dreaming.

They're for racing and winning.

Racing and winning?

That sounds like something
you'd be into.

It does, and if I'm into it,

what's to stop me from
forcing my kids to do it?

Child Services?

If they didn't take 'em away
after the "alligator incident,"

I think it's pretty clear
they ain't never comin'

for big daddy Stan's
bouncin' bambinos.

Push through the burn!

Screw you!
I hate your skank face.

I love you, let's work!

- Rogu can't.
- Stay with it.

We can't let anything stop us
from getting in shape.

Ooh, phone!

Aw, noyce,
it's a Memphis Stormfront VIP.

Advanced Weather Alert-gasm!

Whoa, there's gonna be an early

isolated snowstorm
coming to Vermont.

I got to tell...
Me!

Did you get the Alert-gasm?

Yeah, dude.

Someone's playin'
with God's balls,

'cause he's spraying
white gold all over Vermont.

Which means we get to do
the one thing we bond over.

Skiing!

Buon dia, my fresh,
chunky plow gobblers!

You three hang out?

Hell yeah!
We do when it comes to...

Skiing!

Whoa, how did you get up here?

I was excited.
I jumped.

I've entered us
in Langley Falls'

Bed Racing Extravaganza

to toughen you guys up,
teach you about hard work.

Any questions?

Um, is this my mattress?

No, but it was almost Klaus'.

I was planning to turn him
back into a human,

but that'll have to wait.

Oh, good,
'cause I just bought him

a 50-pound bag of fish flakes,

and it's the kind
he doesn't like.

Okay, so let's talk design.

I've secured some ultra-light
carbon fiber for the axle.

And what if we decorated it

with a princess bed canopy

and a chiffon furbelow?

- Ooh, that's nice.
- Ooh.

Go back, go back.

Stop it!

We need to start
thinking of this

as a racecar, not as a bed!

Maybe someone should tell her.

I can't be here right now.

I'm going to work.

Maybe clear my mind
in the torture...

I mean, interrogation room.

Has anyone seen my iPad?

Is that it lying shattered
on the ground?

And is that a 50-pound bag
of Beefaroni fish food

that you know I don't like?

You guys don't respect me!

I should charge you like a bull!

- Do it.
- Yeah, charge us.

Oh, damn.

What is all this?

We're doing CRISPR.

The children's cereal?

That's Crispix.

And it's not just for children.

Successful scientists
like it, too.

CRISPR is Clustered
Regularly Interspaced Short.

Palindromic Repeats.

That's nerd talk for improvising

a sax solo over a 2-5-I change
on your double helix.

And that was jazz talk
for we're editing DNA.

Can I show him the video?!

Of course you can, little buddy.

I'm Dr. Dubs,
and this is my ride.

Many diseases, like those
carried by mosquitoes,

could be eradicated by changing

a single letter
of incorrect DNA.

Think of genetic code
as a text document

that describes a living thing.

CRISPR can target the part
of the DNA causing a problem...

...then take a mug shot
of the defective gene...

And delivers it to
a surgical protein.

What the hell?!
This is my video!

Not anymore.

I'm friends with the editor,
and he hates you.

It's like putting an APB out
on a defective gene.

And voilà!

You've changed a living organism

and created
a malaria-free mosquito.

Is this real?
Does it work on people?

Sure does.
Wait.

- Jackson?
- In the flesh.

I always wanted to be
a wooly mammoth,

and CRISPR made it happen.

And these two swear this
is exactly how big they were.

So it works on people, you say?

And my children are people,
you say?

And I can borrow this
for the weekend, you say?

He's going to take it,
that's pretty clear.

Let's just stand here

and enjoy the smell
of giant corn and each other.

You know what my favorite
kind of skis are?

Brew-skis!

Open wide, Lewis.

Wait, no!
I'm six months sober!

You're a good friend.

Hey, Roger, you put those
snow chains on the tires

when we pulled over
back there, right?

On the tires?

But if I had done that,
then I couldn't do...

this!
I'm a ghooost!

Jeff, get back in your lane!

We could've died.

Yeah.
And then we'd all be...

ghooosts!

Ebenezer Scroooooge!

Your DNA is ready for injection.

You may now play God.

Someone has to.

Excuse me.
Mind if I move in?

Pleased to meet you,
one-fanged Dracula.

My name's
Unicorntail Softbottom.

Steve, honey,
what are you doing?

You may come to regret
asking me that, Francine. Huh?

I started cleaning out my closet
and spotted a few choice mags.

Decided to drop trou
and fire off

a few mortar rounds of Dreamy
Stevie's Thick and Creamy...

Steven Anita!

What is wrong with you?!

Wrong?
I feel better than ever.

Uh, I forgot to go
to the zoo today.

Avoid Lisa's
Dry-Cleaner's at all costs.

While I've never had anything
dry-cleaned here,

the owner's attitude
toward potential customers

needing to take a dump
in the employee bathroom

shows me they more than deserve
a one-star rating.

Oh, Francine, I need you
to get the paperwork going

on a divorce with Jeff.

Time for me to do
some big game hunting,

if you catch my drift.

What the...

Eh, nothin' to watch
on the tube.

We could always make whoopie,
Al.

Peggy, I'd rather bang
a bowl of beans.

Stan, have you noticed
that the kids are acting...

strange?

Probably 'cause
I altered their DNA

so they're more like me.

What? Why?!

Look, I've tried to teach them
to hack it in this world,

but I'm not getting
through to 'em.

It's time I stopped
blaming myself and start...

I don't remember you
blaming yourself.

Exactly, 'cause that would've
been a mistake

and I don't make mistakes.

It's not in my DNA,

and now it's not in theirs,
either.

And to be honest, this town
could use a few more Stans.

This town could use more
Buffalo Wild Wings locations,

not this.

Francine, have you ever
looked at someone

and just known they needed
to get CRISPR'd?

Does CRISPR have anything to do

with that syringe
you're holding?

No, this is liquid kisses.

Liquid kisses?!
For me?

Screw you, Al Bundy!

Me too, guys.

Quiet, fish!

Whoa, we're really
on the same page.

Burt Bacharach seems like
he should be dead by now.

Who...

Great parking spot, right, guys?

Hell yeah, and check
this out, pops.

Could I have engineered
a more perfect family?

My chin dropped.

Oh, mama.

Get over here.

Whoo, that is hot, -that is hot!
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, get her, Dad!

Yes, uh, can you guys
keep it down and maybe leave?

We don't open
until 5:00.

Then how did we get
this pitcher of beer, Sally Mae?

I think it was the steak knife
you held to Daniel's throat.

Did Daniel open
his little bitch mouth?

I got this.

Whoa, come back here, hon.

I like the initiative, but
let's all tone it down a notch.

Tone down my dick, Daddy.

Wow, walked right into that one.

We're... alive.

Oh, look.

The ski resort.

Oh, baby, Lewis needs soup
in a bread bowl!

You'll cause an avalanche.

What are we gonna do?

I brought some cherry syrup,

so I'm sellin' snow cones.

Ooh, I'll take one of those.

Sure.

$1,000.

You rat.

When did you guys do all this?

We've been working all night.

The race is this afternoon.

You guys have become real
self-starters, just like me.

Like you?

You slept until what?
6:15?

You lazy sack of eggs.

I've never been on
the business end

of the sack of eggs treatment.

Steve, were you gonna secure
the valves on the flamethrower

or did you want it
to leak out and kill us all?

Maybe I'll get on that after
I secure my fist in your mouth.

Whoa! Son, that's no way
to talk to your mother.

It's just a little trash talk,
Dad.

You better grow a pair
before the race.

Cup check!

It's 6:20
in the morning.

Cup check!

We already knew
I didn't have one.

I don't get it.

My family has my DNA.

They should be acting like me,

but they're louder, cruder,
and more judgmental.

Hey, your cup selection's
pretty picked over.

You got anything in the back?

Oh, yeah, we keep all
our inventory in the back

so customers can't see it,

and I get to field jack-off
questions like yours!

- When did you get that chin?
- Oh, this morning.

Kid came in here,
stuck a needle in my neck,

and got everyone in his path
on the way out.

Derek, are you
helping this customer?

Oh, no!
They've been CRISPRing people.

What did you say to me?

Could be a coincidence.

They've CRISPR'd the whole town!

I only hope I have time
to warn Chimdale.

You guys CRISPR'd
the whole town!

Now we got a bunch of me's
running around.

You're welcome.

No, something's gone wrong.

Everybody out there with my DNA
is acting horribly.

That's not who I am.

Oh, then who are you, buttercup?

Yeah, who are you, buttercup?

Yeah.

Knock, knock.

Who are you?

What are you all
even laughing at?

Screw this!

I need to be on an ATV
right now.

We're going to the CIA
to reverse this.

- But we're happy.
- And we have a Bed Race to win.

Well, I'm thinking about
putting the Bed Race

on the back burner
for the moment.

That's loser talk, Dad,

and you know
what we do to losers.

Take them to lunch
and consider their ideas?

Close.
Hold him down and fart on him.

Yeah, that sounds closer
to what I'd do.

Oh, Stan, you're awake.

The family went crazy.

They were farting on you
relentlessly.

Klaus, untie me.

Sorry, Stan,
they'll kill me if I do.

I'll kill you if you don't.

Ooh, but the ropes, though.

But don't worry.

I'll give you "Plato's Republic"
to keep you company,

read by Gilbert Gottfried.

A man does not give what is owed

in giving back gold

to someone who has deposited it!

A-Ah-choo!

God bless you, you stupid idiot.

We're gonna freeze
to death here.

I know we're afraid of
starting an avalanche,

but we have to try something.

I have an idea.

If we can get out super quietly

and attach our skis
to the wheels of the car,

I think we could ski this whole
car down to the resort.

T-That might work.

We came here to ski.

Let's ski.

Great work.

What do you say, boys?

Should we head down
to the lodge?

Okay, here we go.

Picking up speed.

Got to dodge that tree.

Yeah!
Alright!

100 yards.
Better slow down.

Perfect stop.

What?
I thought we were in the car.

Damn it.
What do we do now?

Plan B.

Avalanche!

Roger, no!

Cold in here.

Stan, I found
a half deck of cards.

We can't play any games,

but there are lots
of face cards.

We could use them
to put on a play.

Stan?

He's gone!

And he used my pocket knife
to cut the ropes.

I knew he wasn't borrowing it
for "oh, no reason."

They did what?!

They turned the whole town.

Is that why my Uber driver
punched me in the dick?

- When was this?
- Like a month ago.

Yeah, I think
that's a separate issue.

But my family didn't turn
just like me.

They turned into
terrible versions of me.

That's because your personality

isn't determined
purely by genetics.

There's nature and nurture.

I mean, you'd probably be
terrible, too,

if you didn't have your kids and
your wife to balance you out.

You mean my soft son
and my lazy daughter

make me a better person?

No, your considerate son
and your hot daughter.

What can we do?

Well, I think you should
let them be themselves.

No, about this disaster!

I guess theoretically
if we found someone

with the exact opposite
DNA as you,

we could neutralize your cells.

Can you think of anyone
that's your exact opposite?

Stan!
You're right in time.

I made a bundt cake.

It's a beautiful day for

the 6th Annual Langley Falls
Bed Race.

I'm here with last year's
runner-up, Herman Lundy.

You're looking festive.

I'm gonna bathe in the blood
of my enemies

and bring this trophy back
to the rest of my co-workers

on the janitorial staff
at Samuel Gompers Middle School!

As you can see, the vibe is
a little different this year.

To the inside of the turn!

Go, go, go!

This is awesome!

I'm so glad we made it!

Life is sweet!

Last jump of the day.

Get your sickest trick ready.

Ski trip!

360.

Extreme.

The avalanche must've buried
them somewhere around here.

Wait, the dog found something.

Oh, but yeah, it's lunch.

Okay, try to remember this spot.

They're not going anywhere.

On your left!

We're gonna win!

And then we're gonna burn
this town to the ground!

What's with all the mosquitoes?

It's working.

The mosquitoes are
biting everybody.

What the hell's going on?

Hi, Stan!

Comin' in for a hug.

Get away from me!

Oh, man.

Can I sit here?
No!

- Oh, hello, Stan.
- What are you doing here?

- I made a bundt cake!
- Leave me alone!

- May I have this dance?
- Stop it!

Slow down!
This isn't safe!

Steve's a wimp again!

The hell?

There's my family!

Each bringing your specific
kind of magic

to this weird
and wonderful world.

I'm sorry I changed you
to be like me.

I'm not perfect,
but with your help,

I am better than you,

and that's something
we can all be proud of.

Hey, man, can you keep it down?

I'm trying to nap.

Oh, of course.

You're my little napper.

I hope you never wake up.

Bye-bye! See you soon!