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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,959 --> 00:00:08,679 ( piano music ) 2 00:00:08,719 --> 00:00:13,799 - Our Father, which art in heaven... 3 00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:16,679 ( yawns ) 4 00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:19,959 ♪ The other day a friend of mine said, he said ♪ 5 00:00:19,999 --> 00:00:21,919 ♪ That God's not even with us ♪ 6 00:00:21,959 --> 00:00:24,359 ♪ He said that God is really dead ♪ 7 00:00:26,119 --> 00:00:29,359 ♪ He said, oh, pal, a fact's a fact ♪ 8 00:00:29,399 --> 00:00:31,879 ♪ You can't believe that magic act ♪ 9 00:00:31,919 --> 00:00:34,639 ♪ I said, I don't, and that was that ♪ 10 00:00:36,200 --> 00:00:40,1000 ♪ Now I say, good for God ♪ 11 00:00:41,039 --> 00:00:46,519 ♪ Good for God ♪ 12 00:00:46,559 --> 00:00:48,920 ♪ He goes and makes the planet blue ♪ 13 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:51,800 ♪ And all the thanks he gets from you ♪ 14 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:56,1000 ♪ Just look at all that poo-poo in the yard ♪ 15 00:00:57,040 --> 00:01:01,560 ♪ Good for God ♪ 16 00:01:01,599 --> 00:01:06,480 ♪ I bet His life up there is very hard ♪ 17 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:08,879 ♪ He knows each time a sparrow falls ♪ 18 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:11,560 ♪ But who can answer all His calls ♪ 19 00:01:11,599 --> 00:01:16,880 ♪ Good for God ♪ 20 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:21,440 ♪ Good for God ♪ 21 00:01:21,479 --> 00:01:26,559 ♪ I bet He's got a very hard job ♪ 22 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:29,600 ♪ Ain't got no Mama ♪ 23 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:31,520 ♪ Ain't got no Papa ♪ 24 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:36,400 ♪ Good for God. ♪ 25 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:43,559 ( snoring ) 26 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,720 ( alarm rings ) 27 00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:11,120 ( rooster yawns ) 28 00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:17,1000 ( rooster clears throat ) 29 00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:20,080 ( rooster crows ) 30 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:32,840 ( snoring ) 31 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:37,200 - Hmm? 32 00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:46,960 Good morning, God. It's me, Ambrose. 33 00:02:48,801 --> 00:02:51,080 Oops. Oh, dear 34 00:02:51,121 --> 00:02:55,480 Sorry I'm a bit behind today, but the rooster went off late. 35 00:02:55,521 --> 00:02:58,360 Thank You for sparing me for another day. 36 00:02:58,401 --> 00:03:01,520 But, of course, that goes without saying, doesn't it? 37 00:03:01,561 --> 00:03:04,520 Except it doesn't, You see, because in Your book, 38 00:03:04,561 --> 00:03:08,200 it commands us to give constant thanks day and night. 39 00:03:08,241 --> 00:03:11,681 I can't imagine why You'd want anyone to keep thanking You 40 00:03:11,721 --> 00:03:14,080 for all eternity, I mean, day and night. 41 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:16,881 I should-- I should think You'd be bored with it by now. 42 00:03:16,921 --> 00:03:20,280 I know I would. 43 00:03:20,321 --> 00:03:22,600 I mean, it's not as if You're insecure or anything, 44 00:03:22,641 --> 00:03:25,841 or even as if You had an identity problem. 45 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:27,441 I mean, after all, 46 00:03:27,481 --> 00:03:30,000 You made me in Your own image, didn't You? 47 00:03:31,721 --> 00:03:34,161 I can't imagine You looking like that somehow. 48 00:03:34,201 --> 00:03:36,040 Still... 49 00:03:38,121 --> 00:03:40,521 You made me on the morning of the sixth day. 50 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:43,201 That was Saturday. 51 00:03:43,241 --> 00:03:45,121 Well, You might have had a rough Friday night. 52 00:03:45,161 --> 00:03:46,281 Who knows? 53 00:03:49,281 --> 00:03:51,481 Anyway, can't stand around here talking. 54 00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:52,961 You don't wanna hear my problems. 55 00:03:53,001 --> 00:03:54,241 I'm sure You've got problems of Your own. 56 00:03:55,801 --> 00:04:00,081 So, uh, I'll see You tomorrow, eh? 57 00:04:00,121 --> 00:04:01,520 I mean, I'll be here, 58 00:04:01,561 --> 00:04:03,121 and, uh, well, I'll know You'll be there. 59 00:04:03,161 --> 00:04:07,041 If, um, I'm not here, well, I'll be there. 60 00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:09,281 By the way, uh, have a nice day and amen. 61 00:04:09,321 --> 00:04:11,161 Oof. 62 00:04:16,041 --> 00:04:17,961 Oof. 63 00:04:41,241 --> 00:04:43,161 ( snoring ) 64 00:04:48,521 --> 00:04:51,842 ( coughing, yawning ) 65 00:04:51,881 --> 00:04:53,322 ( fly buzzes ) 66 00:05:18,601 --> 00:05:20,401 - Shh. 67 00:05:25,041 --> 00:05:27,241 ( muffled scream ) 68 00:05:36,282 --> 00:05:38,442 ( church bell rings ) 69 00:05:40,681 --> 00:05:42,242 ( shoes creak ) 70 00:05:46,242 --> 00:05:48,042 ( knuckles crack ) 71 00:05:53,282 --> 00:05:55,842 ( belly grumbles ) 72 00:06:23,402 --> 00:06:27,002 ( church bell rings ) 73 00:06:36,042 --> 00:06:38,842 ( monks moaning, coughing ) 74 00:06:48,802 --> 00:06:50,482 ( sighing ) 75 00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:13,162 ( monks chanting ) 76 00:07:13,203 --> 00:07:16,002 - Oh, there you are, Ambrose. 77 00:07:16,042 --> 00:07:17,162 Tell me something. 78 00:07:17,203 --> 00:07:19,082 You are happy here, aren't you? 79 00:07:19,123 --> 00:07:21,642 Hmm? You are happy. 80 00:07:21,682 --> 00:07:23,962 Oh, I beg your pardon. I forgot. 81 00:07:24,002 --> 00:07:27,002 Yes, of course, you have my permission to speak, of course. 82 00:07:27,043 --> 00:07:29,162 - I think I'm happy, Father. I don't know. 83 00:07:29,202 --> 00:07:31,043 It's-- it's the only world I've ever known. 84 00:07:31,082 --> 00:07:34,562 - I think it's glorious at your age and still celibate. 85 00:07:34,603 --> 00:07:36,243 - I was celibate again last night, Father. 86 00:07:36,283 --> 00:07:37,323 - Good, who with? 87 00:07:37,363 --> 00:07:39,963 - Myself, three times. 88 00:07:40,002 --> 00:07:42,963 - Oh, careful. Four would be pride. 89 00:07:43,003 --> 00:07:44,682 - No. No, I'm happy here, Father. 90 00:07:44,723 --> 00:07:45,283 It's my-- it's my home. 91 00:07:45,283 --> 00:07:48,003 - You never wished to visit another world? 92 00:07:48,043 --> 00:07:49,723 You-- you never think you'd like to know 93 00:07:49,762 --> 00:07:52,242 what's going on outside these walls? 94 00:07:52,283 --> 00:07:55,283 - Father, why-- why are you asking me all this now? 95 00:07:55,323 --> 00:07:59,003 - 'Cause we're sending you on a mission, out there. 96 00:08:00,643 --> 00:08:02,123 - Oh, why-- why-- why me? 97 00:08:02,163 --> 00:08:04,243 - Well, you see, we've fallen on hard times. 98 00:08:04,282 --> 00:08:06,283 And when we renounced the material world, 99 00:08:06,322 --> 00:08:09,202 and we ask God for nothing, and in His benevolence, 100 00:08:09,243 --> 00:08:12,203 He gave us nothing immediately and ever since. 101 00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:15,203 - But Father, we-- we-- we took a vow of poverty. 102 00:08:15,242 --> 00:08:16,482 - Oh, we know. 103 00:08:16,523 --> 00:08:17,963 The price of poverty's gone up. 104 00:08:18,003 --> 00:08:20,843 We can't afford the luxury of being poor anymore. 105 00:08:20,883 --> 00:08:24,803 Besides, the landlords, they want $5,000 off the mortgage. 106 00:08:24,842 --> 00:08:26,683 - But where can we get that kind of money, Father? 107 00:08:26,723 --> 00:08:28,243 We-- we live by charity. 108 00:08:28,283 --> 00:08:30,243 - You're going to save us. 109 00:08:30,283 --> 00:08:31,883 You are going to get us the money. 110 00:08:31,923 --> 00:08:33,683 - How-- how could I? 111 00:08:33,723 --> 00:08:34,243 How... - I'll tell you how. 112 00:08:34,283 --> 00:08:37,963 You go and visit Armageddon T. Thunderbird. 113 00:08:38,003 --> 00:08:41,563 Armageddon T. Thunderbird, he's a holy man, 114 00:08:41,603 --> 00:08:44,483 a philanthropist, gives money to worthy causes. 115 00:08:44,523 --> 00:08:46,803 You state your case well, and you'll get the money. 116 00:08:46,843 --> 00:08:48,643 There's his address. There's his address. 117 00:08:48,683 --> 00:08:50,603 - Father, I'm-- I'm-- I'm afraid. I've never been outside. 118 00:08:50,643 --> 00:08:52,403 I'm-- I'm not worthy. I mean-- 119 00:08:52,443 --> 00:08:53,643 - Well, then you'll have to have some money. 120 00:08:53,683 --> 00:08:55,643 I'll give you $50. That's all we've got. 121 00:08:55,684 --> 00:08:57,003 There you are. You take it. 122 00:08:57,043 --> 00:08:59,403 - Ca-- Can I have time to think it over? 123 00:08:59,443 --> 00:09:03,323 - Yes, my son, you'll have plenty of time to think about it. 124 00:09:03,364 --> 00:09:06,644 - You see, Father, I've just never been inside the outside world. 125 00:09:06,683 --> 00:09:08,844 And-- 126 00:09:08,883 --> 00:09:10,084 Help! 127 00:09:10,123 --> 00:09:11,044 ( knocks on door ) 128 00:09:11,083 --> 00:09:13,924 Let me in. I'm innocent. 129 00:09:13,963 --> 00:09:14,884 I'm innocent. 130 00:09:14,923 --> 00:09:16,283 - Bless you, my son. 131 00:09:16,323 --> 00:09:17,723 Thank you for making the right decision. 132 00:09:17,764 --> 00:09:20,364 - Let me in. - God bless, God speed. 133 00:09:20,403 --> 00:09:21,923 Vaya con Dios. 134 00:09:21,963 --> 00:09:24,083 - Please, Father. - Have a nice day. 135 00:09:24,123 --> 00:09:26,723 - Let me in. 136 00:09:26,763 --> 00:09:28,683 ( Ambrose cries ) 137 00:10:37,084 --> 00:10:38,564 - Whoa! 138 00:10:42,564 --> 00:10:44,404 ( yells ) 139 00:10:48,164 --> 00:10:51,044 ( panting ) 140 00:10:53,964 --> 00:10:56,324 ( vehicle approaches ) 141 00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:57,964 ( honks ) 142 00:11:22,124 --> 00:11:23,684 ( tires screech ) 143 00:11:39,685 --> 00:11:41,244 ( tires screech ) 144 00:11:42,364 --> 00:11:43,764 ( bells chime ) 145 00:11:44,964 --> 00:11:46,764 - Greetings, companion in Christ. 146 00:11:46,805 --> 00:11:48,765 Yes, I'm talkin' to you, Jim. 147 00:11:48,804 --> 00:11:51,725 Is it not written that those who are cast down shall be raised up? 148 00:11:51,765 --> 00:11:53,164 Arise and behold. 149 00:11:53,204 --> 00:11:54,444 ( bell rings ) 150 00:11:54,485 --> 00:11:58,885 The chariot of the Lord awaiteth. 151 00:11:58,924 --> 00:12:00,884 Haul thine ass aboard. 152 00:12:00,925 --> 00:12:02,285 - Oh, thank you. 153 00:12:03,604 --> 00:12:06,525 ( bus backfires ) 154 00:12:10,604 --> 00:12:13,845 - This really is very kind of you. 155 00:12:13,884 --> 00:12:17,884 - Dr. Sebastian Melmoth, evangelist, doctor of divinity, 156 00:12:17,925 --> 00:12:20,285 wandering scholar, 157 00:12:20,324 --> 00:12:22,644 licensed purveyor of religious novelties. 158 00:12:22,685 --> 00:12:25,485 - Oh, Father Ambrose, monk. 159 00:12:25,524 --> 00:12:27,565 - Welcome to my church. 160 00:12:29,325 --> 00:12:31,045 - This really is a church then? 161 00:12:31,085 --> 00:12:33,965 - Ah, yes, a traveling church. 162 00:12:34,005 --> 00:12:34,724 - My goodness. 163 00:12:34,765 --> 00:12:38,685 - Like the missionaries of old, I sally forth across the land, 164 00:12:38,725 --> 00:12:41,285 laying the word on the good people. 165 00:12:41,325 --> 00:12:43,005 - That sounds wonderful. 166 00:12:43,045 --> 00:12:45,525 - Ah, then would you care for a blast, my son? 167 00:12:45,565 --> 00:12:46,805 - Uh. 168 00:12:46,845 --> 00:12:48,125 - It's a fine holy wine. 169 00:12:48,164 --> 00:12:50,005 I-- I-- 170 00:12:50,045 --> 00:12:52,165 oh, you'll be amused by its humility. 171 00:12:52,205 --> 00:12:52,885 - Uh, no thanks. 172 00:12:52,925 --> 00:12:57,005 No, uh, I never drink, except of course after the wafer. 173 00:12:57,045 --> 00:12:58,005 - Ah. 174 00:12:58,045 --> 00:12:59,565 Quite right. 175 00:12:59,605 --> 00:13:01,285 Unwise to celebrate the Lord on an empty stomach. 176 00:13:01,325 --> 00:13:02,245 ( car honks ) 177 00:13:02,285 --> 00:13:03,925 ( yelling ) 178 00:13:03,965 --> 00:13:04,645 - Same to you, fella. 179 00:13:06,685 --> 00:13:11,565 - Up thine, and thy mother's, and thy mother's mother's. 180 00:13:11,605 --> 00:13:14,285 - Peace. - Peace. 181 00:13:14,325 --> 00:13:16,245 - Ah, Aha, yes. 182 00:13:16,285 --> 00:13:18,085 - You're bound, I take it, for the city of Los Angeles. 183 00:13:18,125 --> 00:13:19,285 - Yeah. 184 00:13:19,325 --> 00:13:21,005 - Ah, yes, the City of lost angels, 185 00:13:21,045 --> 00:13:22,965 so many wonderful sinners there. 186 00:13:23,005 --> 00:13:28,005 ♪ Onward Christian soldiers ♪ 187 00:13:28,046 --> 00:13:32,045 ♪ Marching on to war ♪ 188 00:13:32,085 --> 00:13:35,805 ♪ With the cross of Jesus ♪ 189 00:13:35,846 --> 00:13:39,885 ♪ Marching on before... ♪ 190 00:13:39,925 --> 00:13:41,405 ( bus backfires ) 191 00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:49,405 - Oh, yes, you will. 192 00:13:49,446 --> 00:13:52,005 The Lord's work is never done. 193 00:13:52,046 --> 00:13:53,445 Right there. Good. 194 00:13:53,485 --> 00:13:55,405 Move 'em. Here we go. 195 00:13:55,446 --> 00:13:58,046 Right there. 196 00:13:58,086 --> 00:14:00,165 This is as far as I go. 197 00:14:00,205 --> 00:14:01,685 - Thank you, Dr. Melmoth. You've been very kind. 198 00:14:01,725 --> 00:14:03,085 - Ha ha. Don't mention it. 199 00:14:03,126 --> 00:14:03,846 Don't mention it. 200 00:14:03,846 --> 00:14:08,125 Oh, do me a favor, will you, and help these tired old legs. 201 00:14:08,165 --> 00:14:09,286 Pick it up, will you, please? - Certainly, Dr. Melmoth. 202 00:14:09,326 --> 00:14:10,806 - Freeze. Don't move a muscle. 203 00:14:10,846 --> 00:14:12,446 I don't want your money, my son. 204 00:14:12,486 --> 00:14:14,246 No, I'm not interested in material things. 205 00:14:14,285 --> 00:14:15,206 - What are you talking about? W-- 206 00:14:15,245 --> 00:14:15,845 - Shut up and don't argue. 207 00:14:15,886 --> 00:14:18,086 If I see human suffering, it is my duty to help 208 00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:20,765 if I can without thought to material or personal gain. 209 00:14:20,806 --> 00:14:23,686 And now, my son, how long have you been thus afflicted? 210 00:14:23,726 --> 00:14:25,086 - Afflicted? I-- what-- what are you talkin' about? 211 00:14:25,125 --> 00:14:26,166 ( muffled speech ) 212 00:14:26,206 --> 00:14:27,366 - Since childhood. 213 00:14:27,406 --> 00:14:29,766 Now I claim no powers for myself. 214 00:14:29,805 --> 00:14:30,726 The Lord works through my hand. 215 00:14:30,765 --> 00:14:32,206 - Hey... 216 00:14:32,245 --> 00:14:35,886 - I will make this wretched creature walk upright. 217 00:14:35,926 --> 00:14:39,245 Do you feel the power coursing through you? 218 00:14:39,286 --> 00:14:40,806 Do you feel the electricity? 219 00:14:40,846 --> 00:14:42,246 - Let me go, please. Please let me go. 220 00:14:42,285 --> 00:14:44,246 - Ooh, do you believe? Ooh, do you believe? 221 00:14:44,286 --> 00:14:46,566 - Let me-- - Out devil spirit, heal. 222 00:14:46,606 --> 00:14:47,526 ( crowd gasps ) 223 00:14:47,566 --> 00:14:49,886 - See? He stands. 224 00:14:49,926 --> 00:14:51,926 Oh, Jesus, it's a miracle. 225 00:14:51,966 --> 00:14:53,766 He stands up straight. 226 00:14:53,806 --> 00:14:55,806 Take your money, son. The Lord doesn't want it. 227 00:14:55,845 --> 00:14:59,086 He doesn't need it. He's made you whole. 228 00:14:59,125 --> 00:15:03,166 Praise the Lord. Walk in the Lord, my son. 229 00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:04,246 ( crowd murmurs ) 230 00:15:04,286 --> 00:15:05,926 - Walk, run, beat it. 231 00:15:05,966 --> 00:15:07,526 It's a miracle. 232 00:15:07,566 --> 00:15:08,766 Step right up, sinners. 233 00:15:08,806 --> 00:15:10,846 Take a miracle home with you. 234 00:15:10,886 --> 00:15:14,806 Get your levitating Lazarus doll. 235 00:15:14,846 --> 00:15:19,606 See him rise from the dead in the privacy of your own home. 236 00:15:19,646 --> 00:15:21,966 - Hello, kiddies, I'm Lazarus. 237 00:15:22,006 --> 00:15:23,406 I'm alive again. 238 00:15:23,446 --> 00:15:25,766 Why don't you stand up for Jesus? 239 00:15:25,806 --> 00:15:27,806 ( music plays ) 240 00:15:27,846 --> 00:15:30,366 - ♪ The other day a friend of mine said ♪ 241 00:15:30,406 --> 00:15:33,166 ♪ He said that God's not even with us ♪ 242 00:15:33,206 --> 00:15:37,046 ♪ He said that God is really dead ♪ 243 00:15:37,086 --> 00:15:40,406 ♪ He said, oh, pal, a fact's a fact ♪ 244 00:15:40,446 --> 00:15:42,727 ♪ You can't believe that magic act ♪ 245 00:15:42,766 --> 00:15:45,766 ♪ I said, I don't, and that was that ♪ 246 00:15:47,366 --> 00:15:52,486 ♪ Now I said good for God ♪ 247 00:15:52,526 --> 00:15:53,846 ♪ Good for God ♪ 248 00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:55,166 ( chanting ) 249 00:15:58,006 --> 00:16:00,206 ♪ He goes and makes this planet blue ♪ 250 00:16:00,247 --> 00:16:02,686 ♪ And all the thanks He gets from you ♪ 251 00:16:02,727 --> 00:16:05,966 ♪ Is look at all that poo-poo in the yard ♪ 252 00:16:07,927 --> 00:16:12,526 ♪ Good for God ♪ 253 00:16:12,566 --> 00:16:17,766 ♪ I bet His life up there was very hard ♪ 254 00:16:17,807 --> 00:16:20,167 ♪ He knows each time a sparrow falls ♪ 255 00:16:20,206 --> 00:16:22,526 ♪ But who can answer all His calls ♪ 256 00:16:22,566 --> 00:16:24,846 ♪ Good for God ♪ 257 00:16:24,886 --> 00:16:27,847 - Also, we must wait for the son to return 258 00:16:27,886 --> 00:16:32,487 before we can have... - ♪ Good for God ♪ 259 00:16:32,526 --> 00:16:36,246 ♪ I bet He's got a very hard job... ♪ 260 00:16:36,287 --> 00:16:37,927 - Unh. 261 00:16:37,967 --> 00:16:40,127 - ♪ I'm awfully glad I'm here to say ♪ 262 00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:42,966 ♪ He made it possible for me to be here this day ♪ 263 00:16:43,007 --> 00:16:46,806 ♪ Good for God ♪ 264 00:16:46,847 --> 00:16:48,247 Instrumental... 265 00:16:48,287 --> 00:16:51,046 - ♪ Good for God... ♪ 266 00:16:51,087 --> 00:16:52,607 - ♪ Good Lord... ♪ 267 00:16:52,647 --> 00:16:57,167 - ♪ Good for God... ♪ 268 00:16:57,206 --> 00:16:58,607 - ♪ Now if true is true ♪ 269 00:16:58,647 --> 00:17:00,727 ♪ It's easier to know the truth ♪ 270 00:17:00,767 --> 00:17:02,327 ♪ That's the truth So help me God ♪ 271 00:17:02,367 --> 00:17:07,086 ♪ Good for God ♪ 272 00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:12,407 ♪ Say good for God ♪ 273 00:17:12,447 --> 00:17:14,287 ♪ Good for God ♪ 274 00:17:14,327 --> 00:17:16,087 ( gasps ) 275 00:17:16,127 --> 00:17:17,647 ( screams ) 276 00:17:20,487 --> 00:17:22,727 - Uh, excuse me, sir, you dropped your photo-- 277 00:17:22,767 --> 00:17:24,727 your photos-- 278 00:17:24,767 --> 00:17:25,687 They aren't mine. They-- they were his. 279 00:17:25,727 --> 00:17:26,927 They were his. 280 00:17:26,967 --> 00:17:29,647 I-- I wouldn't-- I mean, I-- oh, my God. 281 00:17:30,687 --> 00:17:34,767 - ♪ Good for God ♪ 282 00:17:34,807 --> 00:17:36,407 ♪ Now if true is true ♪ 283 00:17:36,447 --> 00:17:38,247 ♪ And it's easy if you know the truth ♪ 284 00:17:38,287 --> 00:17:40,407 ♪ That's the truth So help me God ♪ 285 00:17:40,447 --> 00:17:45,127 ♪ Good for God ♪ 286 00:17:45,167 --> 00:17:50,647 ♪ Say good for God ♪ 287 00:17:50,688 --> 00:17:55,647 ♪ Good for God ♪ 288 00:17:55,687 --> 00:17:56,727 ♪ He's got a hard job ♪ 289 00:17:56,767 --> 00:17:58,687 ♪ Before they put me in a hole ♪ 290 00:17:58,727 --> 00:18:00,727 ♪ I think I gotta find a big loophole ♪ 291 00:18:00,767 --> 00:18:03,207 ♪ Good for me ♪ 292 00:18:03,247 --> 00:18:04,447 ♪ And good for God ♪ 293 00:18:04,487 --> 00:18:05,527 ( police sirens blaring ) 294 00:18:08,527 --> 00:18:10,527 ( chattering, shouting ) 295 00:18:12,087 --> 00:18:13,527 ( car horn honks ) 296 00:18:17,808 --> 00:18:20,008 - Father. Father. 297 00:18:20,047 --> 00:18:22,888 - I-- I'm not a Father. I'm a Brother, sister. 298 00:18:22,927 --> 00:18:24,327 What is it you want? 299 00:18:24,367 --> 00:18:25,928 - The sanctuary of the church. 300 00:18:25,967 --> 00:18:27,168 - Huh? 301 00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:28,768 Oh. 302 00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:30,607 What are you doing under there? 303 00:18:30,647 --> 00:18:32,567 - It's all right. I was brought up in a convent. 304 00:18:32,608 --> 00:18:34,648 Just hide me till the cops go by. 305 00:18:34,688 --> 00:18:35,608 Are they still there? 306 00:18:35,648 --> 00:18:36,927 - Yes. 307 00:18:36,967 --> 00:18:42,007 - Right. Look casual and keep walking. 308 00:18:49,168 --> 00:18:51,447 ( Ambrose hums ) 309 00:19:02,167 --> 00:19:03,688 ( Ambrose whistles ) 310 00:19:15,327 --> 00:19:18,808 - ♪ Every time it rains, it rains pennies from heaven ♪ 311 00:19:18,848 --> 00:19:20,448 ♪ Do, do, da, loo, do ♪ 312 00:19:20,488 --> 00:19:23,608 ♪ Don't you know each cloud contains pennies from heaven? ♪ 313 00:19:23,648 --> 00:19:25,208 ♪ Do, do, da, loo, do... ♪ 314 00:19:25,248 --> 00:19:26,888 - And then the confusion, and-- and the noise. 315 00:19:26,928 --> 00:19:28,207 And-- and people running about. 316 00:19:28,248 --> 00:19:30,128 Well, I've never seen-- oh, well, maybe you have, 317 00:19:30,168 --> 00:19:31,688 but I've never seen anything like this in my life. 318 00:19:31,728 --> 00:19:34,568 And-- and then the way we met, I mean, the way I met you-- 319 00:19:34,608 --> 00:19:37,008 or rather way you met-- the way you met me, I mean. 320 00:19:37,048 --> 00:19:38,168 - Oh, my God. 321 00:19:38,208 --> 00:19:39,208 - What? 322 00:19:39,248 --> 00:19:41,128 - Oh, no. 323 00:19:41,168 --> 00:19:42,728 I just realized how awful it must have been for you 324 00:19:42,768 --> 00:19:45,008 when I dived under your robe like that. 325 00:19:45,048 --> 00:19:47,488 - Well, it was a bit strange. 326 00:19:47,528 --> 00:19:49,328 I mean, I've never met a woman in my life before, 327 00:19:49,368 --> 00:19:52,928 let alone had one on the, uh, premises, 328 00:19:52,968 --> 00:19:53,888 if you know what I mean. 329 00:19:53,928 --> 00:19:55,728 - Oh, come on. - No, honestly. 330 00:19:55,768 --> 00:19:58,808 No, I've seen, uh, pictures in the Bible. 331 00:19:58,848 --> 00:20:01,369 But they wear these loose flowing robes 332 00:20:01,408 --> 00:20:03,728 and you can't tell what they've got underneath. 333 00:20:03,768 --> 00:20:05,848 See, that-- not like with you. 334 00:20:05,888 --> 00:20:09,848 I mean, with-- with you, I can get some idea what you've got. 335 00:20:09,889 --> 00:20:13,648 I-- I mean, you've got legs and-- and bumpy bits. 336 00:20:13,688 --> 00:20:15,008 - What? 337 00:20:15,048 --> 00:20:17,528 - Um, those things, you know. 338 00:20:17,569 --> 00:20:19,808 - Oh, you mean my boobies? 339 00:20:19,848 --> 00:20:21,968 - Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. 340 00:20:22,008 --> 00:20:23,088 - What about them? 341 00:20:23,128 --> 00:20:25,448 - Nothing. 342 00:20:25,489 --> 00:20:26,528 I-- I think they look very well on you. 343 00:20:26,568 --> 00:20:27,809 They suit you. - You really do? 344 00:20:27,849 --> 00:20:29,408 - Oh, yeah. 345 00:20:29,448 --> 00:20:31,929 - 'Cause I always thought they were kinda on the smallish side. 346 00:20:31,969 --> 00:20:33,849 You know what I mean? - Oh, not to me. 347 00:20:33,889 --> 00:20:35,489 Uh, they're bigger than mine. 348 00:20:35,529 --> 00:20:36,889 - Well... 349 00:20:36,928 --> 00:20:38,288 - No, they look huge-- huge. 350 00:20:38,328 --> 00:20:40,049 - Really? 351 00:20:40,088 --> 00:20:42,249 Gee, it's a very nice thing to say. 352 00:20:42,288 --> 00:20:43,729 - No. - No, it really is. 353 00:20:43,768 --> 00:20:46,128 But, then again, what do you know? 354 00:20:46,169 --> 00:20:47,409 - That's true. 355 00:20:50,368 --> 00:20:53,248 Would you, um, like a taste? 356 00:20:56,688 --> 00:20:57,889 - Mmm. 357 00:20:57,928 --> 00:20:59,688 - Good? - Mmm. 358 00:20:59,729 --> 00:21:01,488 - Think it needs a little more mustard, eh? 359 00:21:01,529 --> 00:21:02,568 - No. - Just-- 360 00:21:02,609 --> 00:21:04,529 - It is just right. 361 00:21:10,408 --> 00:21:12,369 You really are an innocent, aren't you? 362 00:21:13,569 --> 00:21:14,849 - I suppose so. 363 00:21:14,889 --> 00:21:17,289 - It's touching. It really is. 364 00:21:17,329 --> 00:21:20,248 It's touching, in a disgusting kind of way. 365 00:21:22,369 --> 00:21:26,409 - See, I know a lot about the theory of sin. 366 00:21:26,449 --> 00:21:28,809 But I don't know anything about the practice. 367 00:21:28,849 --> 00:21:33,329 I mean, for instance, fornication. 368 00:21:33,369 --> 00:21:34,969 - What? 369 00:21:35,009 --> 00:21:37,129 - The Bible's full of it. 370 00:21:37,169 --> 00:21:38,929 You mustn't do it. It's sinful. 371 00:21:38,969 --> 00:21:40,329 You'll go to hell. 372 00:21:40,369 --> 00:21:42,689 But it doesn't tell you how to do it. 373 00:21:42,729 --> 00:21:43,288 So how do you know you're not? 374 00:21:43,329 --> 00:21:45,208 I mean, for all I know, I might be sitting here 375 00:21:45,249 --> 00:21:46,769 right now fornicating. 376 00:21:46,809 --> 00:21:48,169 ( Mary snickers ) 377 00:21:48,209 --> 00:21:49,449 - No, you're not. If you were, I'd tell you. 378 00:21:49,489 --> 00:21:51,329 - Mm-hmm. Thanks. 379 00:21:57,849 --> 00:22:00,809 That couple over there sucking each other's mouth, a-- are-- 380 00:22:00,849 --> 00:22:01,769 - Would you keep it down a little bit? 381 00:22:01,809 --> 00:22:02,809 - Oh, sorry. 382 00:22:02,849 --> 00:22:06,089 Uh, are-- are they fornicating? 383 00:22:07,489 --> 00:22:09,729 - They're kissing. They're just kissing. 384 00:22:09,769 --> 00:22:11,329 - Kissing. - That's phase one. 385 00:22:11,369 --> 00:22:11,849 - Ah. 386 00:22:11,889 --> 00:22:13,889 - See, now-- now when they get home, 387 00:22:13,929 --> 00:22:15,449 they'll probably move into phase two. 388 00:22:15,489 --> 00:22:19,849 - Oh, you fornicate in phases. 389 00:22:19,890 --> 00:22:21,489 - Oh, yeah, that is, if you're not pressed for time. 390 00:22:21,530 --> 00:22:22,049 - Ah. 391 00:22:22,090 --> 00:22:25,729 - See, sex-- sex is very much like a meal. 392 00:22:25,770 --> 00:22:26,610 I'll show you. 393 00:22:27,889 --> 00:22:29,809 See this menu? 394 00:22:29,849 --> 00:22:30,529 If you were gonna order a meal, right? 395 00:22:30,570 --> 00:22:32,289 - Mm-hmm. 396 00:22:32,329 --> 00:22:32,969 - You wouldn't go right for the main course, would you? 397 00:22:33,009 --> 00:22:35,209 Wouldn't you like to have a little appetizer first? 398 00:22:35,250 --> 00:22:37,010 - Maybe. 399 00:22:37,049 --> 00:22:39,009 - You know, like, uh, a little chopped liver? 400 00:22:39,049 --> 00:22:40,170 - Oh, uh-huh. 401 00:22:40,209 --> 00:22:41,609 - It's an appetizer. That's kissing. 402 00:22:41,649 --> 00:22:44,410 That's what kissing is. 403 00:22:44,450 --> 00:22:45,650 Chopped liver. - Chopped liver. 404 00:22:45,689 --> 00:22:47,730 - Mm-hmm, yeah. Yeah, that's all. 405 00:22:47,769 --> 00:22:49,409 - Chopped liver. 406 00:22:49,449 --> 00:22:50,689 - Good. Chopped liver. 407 00:22:50,730 --> 00:22:51,690 - Number one, chopped liver. 408 00:22:51,729 --> 00:22:54,130 Phase one. - Phase one. 409 00:22:56,770 --> 00:22:58,889 - I wonder-- I wonder if you would do me a great favor. 410 00:22:58,930 --> 00:22:59,650 - What? 411 00:22:59,650 --> 00:23:04,249 - Well, you see, if all these phases lead to fornication, 412 00:23:04,290 --> 00:23:07,529 um, would you mind writing down all the things 413 00:23:07,570 --> 00:23:11,450 that I must avoid, in the right order? 414 00:23:11,489 --> 00:23:12,650 If it's not too much trouble. 415 00:23:12,690 --> 00:23:15,209 - Oh, no, listen, I'd be glad to do it. 416 00:23:15,250 --> 00:23:18,810 Um, now what you want--you want a list here, right? 417 00:23:18,850 --> 00:23:20,289 - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 418 00:23:20,330 --> 00:23:21,249 - Of everything you're not supposed to do. 419 00:23:21,290 --> 00:23:22,210 - Everything to avoid. 420 00:23:22,250 --> 00:23:24,410 - Okay. Um, well, number one... 421 00:23:24,450 --> 00:23:26,729 - Yeah? 422 00:23:26,770 --> 00:23:29,490 - Um, number one, 423 00:23:29,530 --> 00:23:31,330 we went through it already, is kissing, right? 424 00:23:31,369 --> 00:23:32,810 - Kissing. - Right? 425 00:23:32,850 --> 00:23:34,970 So-- right, kissing. 426 00:23:35,010 --> 00:23:37,330 Now, number two, 427 00:23:39,210 --> 00:23:42,290 take hold of the, uh... 428 00:23:42,329 --> 00:23:44,170 - Bumpy bits. 429 00:23:44,210 --> 00:23:47,409 - Yeah. Shh. Take it, but not like that. 430 00:23:47,450 --> 00:23:48,410 You could hurt someone like that. 431 00:23:48,450 --> 00:23:49,890 It's not a claw. 432 00:23:49,930 --> 00:23:52,770 It's a very gentle kind of movement. 433 00:23:52,810 --> 00:23:54,890 You know, it's like a very caressing... 434 00:23:54,930 --> 00:23:57,410 Mmm. Mmm. 435 00:23:57,450 --> 00:23:59,210 - Mmm. - Oh, that's very nice. 436 00:23:59,250 --> 00:24:00,890 - Mmm. - Mmm, that's good. 437 00:24:00,930 --> 00:24:01,650 That's good. That's good. 438 00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:02,850 Okay. 439 00:24:02,890 --> 00:24:03,770 Number two, right. 440 00:24:03,810 --> 00:24:05,050 - Mmm. 441 00:24:05,090 --> 00:24:05,530 - No, it's okay. You can stop that. 442 00:24:05,570 --> 00:24:07,250 Just keep it to yourself. Okay? 443 00:24:07,290 --> 00:24:09,850 - I-- I've got it. - Take hold of the bits. 444 00:24:09,891 --> 00:24:11,370 I'll just put-- you'll remember, right? - Okay. 445 00:24:11,410 --> 00:24:13,970 - Now, number three... - Yeah. 446 00:24:14,010 --> 00:24:16,130 - Now, number three is very technical. 447 00:24:16,170 --> 00:24:18,690 - Yeah. - So I'm gonna draw you a diagram in number three, okay? 448 00:24:18,730 --> 00:24:21,050 - Now, this is a picture of a woman. 449 00:24:21,090 --> 00:24:22,650 - Aha. Yes. I can see the bumpy bits. 450 00:24:22,690 --> 00:24:24,810 - No, those are the puffed sleeves. 451 00:24:24,850 --> 00:24:26,090 She's wearing a dress. - Oh. 452 00:24:26,130 --> 00:24:27,450 - And then you make love. 453 00:24:27,490 --> 00:24:28,531 I don't know why you always get that one wrong. 454 00:24:28,570 --> 00:24:29,771 - Oh. - You get into bed first. 455 00:24:29,810 --> 00:24:30,851 - Bed. - Then make love. 456 00:24:30,890 --> 00:24:32,130 - Oh. - Use your logic on that one. 457 00:24:32,170 --> 00:24:34,170 - So my 74 goes where my 75 was. - Yes. 458 00:24:34,210 --> 00:24:36,090 'Cause, you know, making love's supposed to be spontaneous. 459 00:24:36,130 --> 00:24:37,530 Why do you think there are hundreds of books out 460 00:24:37,571 --> 00:24:39,010 on how to do it right? 461 00:24:39,050 --> 00:24:40,810 Well, this is where I live. 462 00:24:40,851 --> 00:24:43,530 - Oh. Oh, good night. 463 00:24:43,570 --> 00:24:46,250 - Yeah. Uh, where you staying tonight? 464 00:24:46,290 --> 00:24:47,530 - Oh, I don't know. I'll find somewhere. 465 00:24:47,571 --> 00:24:48,691 - Sure you'll be all right? 466 00:24:48,730 --> 00:24:50,250 - Oh, yeah. I've got lots of money. 467 00:24:50,290 --> 00:24:52,210 The Abbott gave me more than $50. 468 00:24:52,251 --> 00:24:53,211 I have-- 469 00:24:57,571 --> 00:24:58,650 No more. 470 00:24:58,691 --> 00:25:00,171 - What? 471 00:25:00,211 --> 00:25:01,650 - No, it's nothing. 472 00:25:01,691 --> 00:25:04,171 - Okay. Bye. 473 00:25:04,210 --> 00:25:05,811 - Good night. - Good night. 474 00:25:21,930 --> 00:25:23,091 ( water running ) 475 00:25:23,130 --> 00:25:25,411 ( Mary hums ) 476 00:25:35,411 --> 00:25:39,011 - Number one, chopped liver, kissing. 477 00:25:39,050 --> 00:25:40,651 ( kisses ) 478 00:25:40,690 --> 00:25:42,851 Number two, 479 00:25:42,890 --> 00:25:48,331 mmm, mmm, mmm. 480 00:25:48,370 --> 00:25:50,811 Number three-- number three was... 481 00:25:50,850 --> 00:25:52,890 ( chuckles ) 482 00:25:52,931 --> 00:25:54,931 Oh, so many things to remember to avoid. 483 00:25:54,971 --> 00:25:57,571 Hello, God, it's me, Ambrose. 484 00:25:57,611 --> 00:26:00,731 Sorry to bother You, but if You wanted us 485 00:26:00,771 --> 00:26:04,371 to ignore fleshly sins, why did You make us out of meat? 486 00:26:04,410 --> 00:26:06,131 I mean, You could have made us out of anything. 487 00:26:06,171 --> 00:26:08,611 You could have made us out of burlap, or rubber, 488 00:26:08,651 --> 00:26:11,411 or wood, Jell-O, anything. 489 00:26:11,451 --> 00:26:13,411 ( sighs ) I know. 490 00:26:13,451 --> 00:26:15,051 You work in mysterious ways. 491 00:26:15,091 --> 00:26:16,451 Be we don't. 492 00:26:16,491 --> 00:26:19,291 Human beings, I mean. 493 00:26:19,331 --> 00:26:20,611 - Tomorrow night, I'll take you 494 00:26:20,651 --> 00:26:23,011 to see Armageddon T. Thunderbird if you want. 495 00:26:23,051 --> 00:26:24,651 By the way, what's your name? 496 00:26:24,691 --> 00:26:26,571 - Ambrose. 497 00:26:26,611 --> 00:26:28,132 - Good night, Ambrose. 498 00:26:28,171 --> 00:26:30,052 My name is Mary. 499 00:26:31,651 --> 00:26:33,851 - Mary? 500 00:26:33,892 --> 00:26:35,731 ( grunts ) 501 00:26:38,291 --> 00:26:40,931 I can't stand it anymore. Can't stand it. 502 00:26:43,931 --> 00:26:45,132 ( shower running ) 503 00:26:45,171 --> 00:26:46,571 - What are you doing in there? 504 00:26:46,611 --> 00:26:48,771 - The Abbot said if everything else fails, 505 00:26:48,812 --> 00:26:52,731 cold shower will do it. 506 00:26:52,771 --> 00:26:54,651 Bumpy bits. 507 00:26:56,372 --> 00:26:57,931 Mmm. Mmm. 508 00:26:57,971 --> 00:26:59,411 Ooh. Ooh. 509 00:27:04,251 --> 00:27:06,532 ( organ music plays ) 510 00:27:30,571 --> 00:27:33,092 - Heh. With a chicken. 511 00:27:33,132 --> 00:27:34,011 ( laughing ) 512 00:27:35,252 --> 00:27:36,652 Get out of here, you filthy swine. 513 00:27:36,692 --> 00:27:38,251 Out. 514 00:27:39,771 --> 00:27:41,931 Next. Serving number 12. 515 00:27:45,852 --> 00:27:47,612 Serving number 12. 516 00:27:57,052 --> 00:27:59,012 Kneel down and make it snappy. 517 00:27:59,052 --> 00:28:03,972 Cut the frills and get straight to the meat and potatoes. 518 00:28:04,011 --> 00:28:06,211 - Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. 519 00:28:06,252 --> 00:28:07,412 - Yes, yes. 520 00:28:07,452 --> 00:28:08,732 ( hearing aid whines ) 521 00:28:08,772 --> 00:28:11,092 Oh-- oh, won't you wh-- whine to me about it. 522 00:28:11,131 --> 00:28:14,291 You want to whine about this, and you whine about that. 523 00:28:14,332 --> 00:28:17,492 And the, uh, oh. 524 00:28:17,532 --> 00:28:19,692 ah, death and transfiguration. 525 00:28:19,732 --> 00:28:22,012 Don't worry about me. 526 00:28:22,052 --> 00:28:24,932 Uh, if you'll just start, and I'll get the-- 527 00:28:24,972 --> 00:28:26,612 I'll get the general drift. 528 00:28:26,652 --> 00:28:30,572 - Last night, Father, I was tormented by an impure thought. 529 00:28:30,612 --> 00:28:31,852 - I can't hear you. 530 00:28:31,892 --> 00:28:35,172 - I said I was tormented by an impure thought. 531 00:28:35,212 --> 00:28:37,932 - Could you-- could you speak up, please? 532 00:28:37,972 --> 00:28:39,732 - I-- it was about Mary. 533 00:28:39,772 --> 00:28:41,332 - What? Louder. 534 00:28:41,372 --> 00:28:43,852 - Mary, I wanted to take her clothes off. 535 00:28:43,893 --> 00:28:46,452 - You wanted to do what? Speak up. I can't hear you! 536 00:28:46,492 --> 00:28:48,652 - I wanted to take her clothes off. 537 00:28:48,693 --> 00:28:50,012 You are mumbling! 538 00:28:50,052 --> 00:28:51,853 - I wanted to take her clothes off 539 00:28:51,892 --> 00:28:54,212 and caress her bumpy bits. 540 00:28:54,252 --> 00:28:55,732 - Her what? - Bits. 541 00:28:55,772 --> 00:28:58,052 Fondly, you know, mmm. 542 00:28:58,092 --> 00:29:01,652 - What? - You know, number three. 543 00:29:01,692 --> 00:29:05,052 And then I wanted to try number 30. 544 00:29:05,092 --> 00:29:09,172 Or-- or-- or maybe do number 15 twice instead. 545 00:29:09,212 --> 00:29:11,733 And then I wanted to take her by the... 546 00:29:11,772 --> 00:29:13,132 ( horns honking ) 547 00:29:13,172 --> 00:29:14,132 And... 548 00:29:14,173 --> 00:29:15,092 ( car horns honking ) 549 00:29:15,133 --> 00:29:17,893 Both her-- again and again 550 00:29:17,932 --> 00:29:21,212 until I was exhausted. 551 00:29:22,372 --> 00:29:24,613 But I'm a monk, Father. 552 00:29:24,652 --> 00:29:26,492 What shall I do? 553 00:29:26,533 --> 00:29:29,452 - I didn't hear a damned word you said. 554 00:29:29,492 --> 00:29:30,972 That'll be, uh... 555 00:29:31,012 --> 00:29:32,453 - I'm afraid I only have, uh... 556 00:29:32,492 --> 00:29:34,613 - Two dollars. Here, I will have that. 557 00:29:34,652 --> 00:29:36,452 Uh, have a nice day. 558 00:29:38,213 --> 00:29:40,012 ( parishioners muttering ) 559 00:29:43,172 --> 00:29:44,812 ( clears throat ) 560 00:29:57,452 --> 00:30:00,493 ( cheering ) 561 00:30:05,973 --> 00:30:07,933 - Do you believe in God? 562 00:30:07,973 --> 00:30:10,853 ( cheering ) 563 00:30:16,053 --> 00:30:19,493 - Announcer: The Church of Divine Profit humbly presents 564 00:30:19,533 --> 00:30:23,253 the Armageddon T. Thunderbird Crusade. 565 00:30:23,293 --> 00:30:27,773 And here he is, God's buddy, A.T.T. himself. 566 00:30:31,093 --> 00:30:33,853 - Do you love God? 567 00:30:33,893 --> 00:30:35,733 - Yes! 568 00:30:35,773 --> 00:30:38,773 - I mean, do you really love God? 569 00:30:38,813 --> 00:30:40,053 - Yes! 570 00:30:40,093 --> 00:30:41,693 - Has He been good to you? 571 00:30:41,733 --> 00:30:43,293 - Yes. 572 00:30:43,333 --> 00:30:44,933 - I thought so. 573 00:30:44,973 --> 00:30:47,293 And have you been good to Him? 574 00:30:47,334 --> 00:30:48,533 - Yes. 575 00:30:48,573 --> 00:30:50,093 - Oh, really? 576 00:30:50,133 --> 00:30:52,213 - Yes. 577 00:30:52,253 --> 00:30:54,653 - Liars. - No! 578 00:30:54,693 --> 00:30:58,854 - 'Cause I just spoke to Him, and do you have any idea where He is right now? 579 00:30:58,893 --> 00:31:00,373 - No. 580 00:31:00,413 --> 00:31:02,853 - God is in the hospital. 581 00:31:02,893 --> 00:31:05,613 ( crowd gasping ) 582 00:31:05,653 --> 00:31:07,894 - In the Intensive Care Unit. 583 00:31:07,933 --> 00:31:09,373 And do you know who put Him there? 584 00:31:09,414 --> 00:31:10,653 - No. 585 00:31:10,693 --> 00:31:12,853 - Y-O-U. 586 00:31:12,893 --> 00:31:14,013 ( crowd shouting ) 587 00:31:17,894 --> 00:31:19,974 - He-- he looked so pale. 588 00:31:20,013 --> 00:31:21,493 ( crying ) 589 00:31:28,454 --> 00:31:31,013 - Why are you cryin'? 590 00:31:31,054 --> 00:31:32,454 Isn't that what you wanted? 591 00:31:32,493 --> 00:31:34,133 - No! 592 00:31:34,173 --> 00:31:35,253 - Do you wanna see Him pull through? 593 00:31:35,294 --> 00:31:37,013 - Yes! 594 00:31:37,053 --> 00:31:39,893 - All right. I said to Him, I am your servant, Lord. 595 00:31:39,933 --> 00:31:41,614 What do You want? 596 00:31:41,653 --> 00:31:44,533 Everything, Armageddon, everything. 597 00:31:44,573 --> 00:31:47,374 I need money to put it right. 598 00:31:47,413 --> 00:31:51,654 But what will You give them in return? I queried. 599 00:31:51,693 --> 00:31:56,454 And then He said, I will assure them a place forever 600 00:31:56,493 --> 00:31:58,693 in the kingdom of heaven. 601 00:31:58,734 --> 00:32:00,853 ( applause ) 602 00:32:00,893 --> 00:32:04,254 - And that's-- and that's rent free. 603 00:32:04,293 --> 00:32:07,014 Now, doesn't that sound like a good deal? 604 00:32:07,053 --> 00:32:08,614 - Yeah! 605 00:32:08,654 --> 00:32:12,653 - Well, then put thy money where is thy mouth. 606 00:32:12,694 --> 00:32:15,734 And I'm not just askin' the people here in the studio audience. 607 00:32:15,774 --> 00:32:20,494 I'm askin' you, you, and you. 608 00:32:20,534 --> 00:32:23,454 ( music plays ) 609 00:32:23,493 --> 00:32:27,494 - ♪ In God we trust ♪ 610 00:32:27,534 --> 00:32:30,974 ♪ Invest in Him on high ♪ 611 00:32:31,014 --> 00:32:34,614 ♪ God's sweetest buy ♪ 612 00:32:34,654 --> 00:32:38,934 ♪ Is in the by-and-by ♪ 613 00:32:38,973 --> 00:32:42,334 ♪ Each buck you give ♪ 614 00:32:42,374 --> 00:32:46,654 ♪ Shall be tax free therefore ♪ 615 00:32:46,694 --> 00:32:50,254 ♪ And shall returneth thee ♪ 616 00:32:50,294 --> 00:32:54,454 ♪ Ten thousandfold, oh, yes ♪ 617 00:32:54,494 --> 00:32:58,014 ♪ And shall returneth thee ♪ 618 00:32:58,054 --> 00:33:03,294 ♪ Ten thousandfold. ♪ 619 00:33:05,614 --> 00:33:07,294 ( chattering ) 620 00:33:12,254 --> 00:33:14,174 - I didn't understand a word he was talking about. 621 00:33:14,215 --> 00:33:16,334 Supposed to be a Christian. 622 00:33:16,374 --> 00:33:18,134 I-- I don't understand. 623 00:33:18,175 --> 00:33:21,294 - This is awfully confusing for you, isn't it? 624 00:33:21,335 --> 00:33:23,334 - It is a bit. 625 00:33:23,375 --> 00:33:26,695 - Well, I think you've had a big day. 626 00:33:26,734 --> 00:33:29,015 And I think you should go to sleep now, okay? 627 00:33:29,054 --> 00:33:31,014 You look sweet in pink. 628 00:33:31,055 --> 00:33:33,454 - Mmm. 629 00:33:33,494 --> 00:33:36,295 I'm gonna go and see him tomorrow. 630 00:33:36,334 --> 00:33:38,615 - You're gonna go see Armageddon? 631 00:33:38,654 --> 00:33:40,054 - Mm-hmm. 632 00:33:40,095 --> 00:33:44,254 When he understands, he'll help. 633 00:33:44,294 --> 00:33:45,254 ( Mary sighs ) 634 00:33:45,295 --> 00:33:47,694 - Poor Ambrose. 635 00:33:47,734 --> 00:33:51,735 I wonder if God will ever forgive you your virtues. 636 00:33:59,654 --> 00:34:01,294 - Excuse me. 637 00:34:10,695 --> 00:34:12,374 ( shower running ) 638 00:34:31,255 --> 00:34:32,814 - Good afternoon. I'd-- I'd like to see Mr. Thunderbird. I-- 639 00:34:32,855 --> 00:34:34,215 - Not today. He's too busy. 640 00:34:34,255 --> 00:34:35,215 - No. I-- I have this letter from-- 641 00:34:35,255 --> 00:34:36,215 from the Abbot. - Get out of here. 642 00:34:36,254 --> 00:34:37,334 - I'm-- I'm one of the meek. 643 00:34:37,375 --> 00:34:39,015 I'm supposed to inherit the Earth. 644 00:34:39,055 --> 00:34:40,175 - You've got it. 645 00:34:50,735 --> 00:34:52,815 - You just don't understand, Ambrose. 646 00:34:52,855 --> 00:34:54,255 - I understand I don't understand. 647 00:34:54,295 --> 00:34:55,535 But what don't I understand? 648 00:34:55,575 --> 00:34:57,335 - Well, the meek may inherit the Earth but not 649 00:34:57,375 --> 00:34:59,015 until the strong are finished with it. 650 00:34:59,055 --> 00:35:01,135 And by that time, it won't even be worth having. 651 00:35:01,175 --> 00:35:02,495 - I'll get in to see him finally. 652 00:35:02,535 --> 00:35:03,655 - But it could take weeks. 653 00:35:03,695 --> 00:35:04,975 - I'll get a job in the meantime. 654 00:35:05,015 --> 00:35:05,495 Look, is there anything in the paper? 655 00:35:05,495 --> 00:35:08,655 - Oh, look, Ambrose, listen. - What? 656 00:35:08,695 --> 00:35:10,255 - You don't need to work. I mean, look, 657 00:35:10,295 --> 00:35:12,415 you could come and stay at my place, right? 658 00:35:12,455 --> 00:35:14,775 I really do make enough money for both of us. 659 00:35:14,815 --> 00:35:16,535 - W-- what do you do? - What? 660 00:35:16,575 --> 00:35:18,775 - Well, for a living, what do you do? 661 00:35:18,815 --> 00:35:21,535 - Oh, uh, I wouldn't even concern myself about that if I were you. 662 00:35:21,575 --> 00:35:24,615 - Well, maybe you could get me a job doing it with you. 663 00:35:24,655 --> 00:35:26,215 - Well, I could look into it. 664 00:35:26,255 --> 00:35:28,415 - I'm good with my hands. 665 00:35:45,176 --> 00:35:47,816 ( chattering in Spanish ) 666 00:36:03,016 --> 00:36:04,615 ( hammering ) 667 00:36:18,295 --> 00:36:19,976 ( bell rings ) 668 00:36:30,936 --> 00:36:32,695 - Hey. Hey. Come back. 669 00:36:32,736 --> 00:36:35,456 Dr. Melmoth. 670 00:36:35,496 --> 00:36:37,055 Philistine. 671 00:36:51,896 --> 00:36:54,215 - All right, monk. 672 00:37:00,616 --> 00:37:03,616 - All right. I'm going. 673 00:37:09,216 --> 00:37:11,896 - Hi. You look so nauseous. 674 00:37:11,936 --> 00:37:14,016 - Thanks, but I feel rotten. 675 00:37:14,056 --> 00:37:16,536 - Oh, Ambrose, how many times you gonna keep on trying? 676 00:37:16,576 --> 00:37:18,416 - Well, till I get in and see him. 677 00:37:18,456 --> 00:37:20,056 You see, if I could show him the Abbot's letter, 678 00:37:20,096 --> 00:37:21,376 and then I'd-- - I got an idea. 679 00:37:21,416 --> 00:37:23,056 Couldn't you just pray to God for the money? 680 00:37:23,096 --> 00:37:23,656 - No, no. 681 00:37:23,696 --> 00:37:26,096 No, ask for money, and you spoil a friendship. 682 00:37:26,136 --> 00:37:27,776 No, I've gotta see him personally. 683 00:37:27,816 --> 00:37:30,416 Mr. Thunderbird will understand. He's a Christian. 684 00:37:30,456 --> 00:37:34,016 - No, being born in a Christian home doesn't necessarily 685 00:37:34,056 --> 00:37:36,056 make you Christian any more than being born 686 00:37:36,096 --> 00:37:38,856 in a bakery makes you a bagel. - Hmm? 687 00:37:38,897 --> 00:37:41,016 - I mean, maybe Mr. Thunderbird just isn't even interested 688 00:37:41,056 --> 00:37:42,576 in your old monastery. 689 00:37:42,616 --> 00:37:44,696 - No, no. If I could get in to see him personally, 690 00:37:44,736 --> 00:37:46,936 I'll get in eventually. I'll get in. I'll get in. 691 00:37:46,977 --> 00:37:48,337 - But it could take months. - All right. 692 00:37:48,376 --> 00:37:49,577 In the meantime, I can just get another job. 693 00:37:49,616 --> 00:37:50,896 I mean, what can I lose? 694 00:37:50,936 --> 00:37:53,577 - Nothing, just another job. 695 00:37:55,096 --> 00:37:58,497 - ♪ Every time it rains, it rains pennies from heaven ♪ 696 00:37:58,536 --> 00:37:59,896 ♪ Oh, do, dee, da ♪ 697 00:37:59,936 --> 00:38:03,256 ♪ Every time, do, dee, da, da, dee, la, da, da ♪ 698 00:38:03,297 --> 00:38:05,976 ♪ Oh, dee, dee, dum, da, dum, dum, da, dee, da, dum, dum... ♪ 699 00:38:06,017 --> 00:38:07,296 - Good morning. - Oh, good morning. 700 00:38:07,336 --> 00:38:09,057 - Don't you ever rest? 701 00:38:09,096 --> 00:38:10,537 - I can't afford to lose time. 702 00:38:10,577 --> 00:38:12,536 It's Pasadena by next Wednesday. 703 00:38:12,576 --> 00:38:13,896 That's my schedule. 704 00:38:13,936 --> 00:38:16,256 You know, a man's got to have a goal. 705 00:38:16,297 --> 00:38:18,856 Otherwise, we've got communism. 706 00:38:18,897 --> 00:38:22,816 And I'm tap dancing to keep this great land of ours free. 707 00:38:22,856 --> 00:38:24,576 I'll see you sometime. 708 00:38:24,616 --> 00:38:25,576 - Good luck. - So long. 709 00:38:25,617 --> 00:38:26,536 - Step right up. Step up, sinners. 710 00:38:26,577 --> 00:38:27,137 Step right up and repent. 711 00:38:27,177 --> 00:38:29,536 Do not cop a plea unto the Almighty, saying, 712 00:38:29,577 --> 00:38:31,497 oh, Lord, I'm but a poor sinner. 713 00:38:31,537 --> 00:38:33,177 For the Lord will say unto thee, bullshit, my child. 714 00:38:33,216 --> 00:38:35,176 His eye is on the sparrow, so you can bet your ass 715 00:38:35,217 --> 00:38:37,417 He's got you covered, Jim, and you and you. 716 00:38:37,457 --> 00:38:40,617 So step right up and find the Lord, a buck a throw. 717 00:38:40,656 --> 00:38:42,657 Yes, the Lord is here in my hand. 718 00:38:42,696 --> 00:38:43,656 Everyone wants to find the Lord. 719 00:38:43,697 --> 00:38:45,137 The Lord goes into hiding. 720 00:38:45,176 --> 00:38:46,377 And those who seek him will find him. 721 00:38:46,416 --> 00:38:48,657 Where is he now? Try thy luck. 722 00:38:48,697 --> 00:38:50,577 Find the Lord. Who will find the Lord? 723 00:38:50,617 --> 00:38:51,537 It's a wonderful game. Everybody wins. 724 00:38:51,577 --> 00:38:52,137 Everybody goes to heaven. 725 00:38:52,177 --> 00:38:53,897 Try thy luck, a lousy buck to find the Lord. 726 00:38:53,936 --> 00:38:55,257 Aha. 727 00:38:55,296 --> 00:38:56,697 Ah, yes, sir, and now where is he? 728 00:38:56,737 --> 00:38:58,456 Oh, no, I'm sorry. 729 00:38:58,497 --> 00:38:59,657 The Lord is not there, but a blessing to you, too. 730 00:38:59,696 --> 00:39:00,777 The game continues. 731 00:39:00,817 --> 00:39:01,257 Try thy luck. 732 00:39:01,297 --> 00:39:03,337 - Dr. Melmoth. He stole my money. 733 00:39:03,377 --> 00:39:04,817 - Excuse me. - He's a thief. 734 00:39:04,857 --> 00:39:06,337 - This man is a heretic. Don't listen to him. 735 00:39:06,377 --> 00:39:07,457 He's obviously deranged. 736 00:39:07,497 --> 00:39:09,057 - Stop him. Stop him. He's a thief. 737 00:39:09,097 --> 00:39:10,097 Give me my money back. 738 00:39:10,137 --> 00:39:11,577 - Get outta here. 739 00:39:11,616 --> 00:39:13,897 Fanatic. Vegetarian! 740 00:39:13,937 --> 00:39:15,697 I'll keep up the Lord's work. 741 00:39:15,736 --> 00:39:17,177 - Oh, oof. - And get away from me. 742 00:39:17,217 --> 00:39:18,537 Get away from me, you Moabite, you snake worshipper. 743 00:39:18,577 --> 00:39:21,137 Ah. Ooh. 744 00:39:21,177 --> 00:39:25,337 And a holy man such as yourself should descend to violence. 745 00:39:25,377 --> 00:39:26,737 ( Ambrose grunts ) 746 00:39:26,777 --> 00:39:29,577 - In the name-- in the name of all that's sacred, 747 00:39:29,617 --> 00:39:31,977 let me up, you little asshole. 748 00:39:35,537 --> 00:39:37,897 - You should be disgusted with yourself. 749 00:39:37,937 --> 00:39:40,777 - Oh, I am. I am. I am. 750 00:39:40,818 --> 00:39:42,337 Pray for me. 751 00:39:42,377 --> 00:39:46,497 Let thy hand, which is raised in violence, 752 00:39:46,537 --> 00:39:51,098 clasp its brother and, in heavenly supplication, even as I do, 753 00:39:51,137 --> 00:39:56,537 Father, forgive him, for he knoweth not what he doeth. 754 00:39:56,578 --> 00:40:01,778 Forgive me even more, for I knoweth. 755 00:40:01,817 --> 00:40:03,737 ( grunts ) 756 00:40:03,777 --> 00:40:05,338 - Take that, monk. 757 00:40:08,537 --> 00:40:09,937 ( bus engine starts ) 758 00:40:11,457 --> 00:40:14,258 - Wait for me. Stop. Wait for me! 759 00:40:17,617 --> 00:40:19,257 Of course I forgive you. 760 00:40:19,297 --> 00:40:21,138 But I still don't know what I'm doing here. 761 00:40:21,177 --> 00:40:23,058 - Well, look, I'm-- I'm offering you the chance of a lifetime, 762 00:40:23,097 --> 00:40:25,618 a full partnership in my church for nothing. 763 00:40:25,658 --> 00:40:27,937 - Why me? 764 00:40:27,978 --> 00:40:29,817 - Because you have a certain quality, 765 00:40:29,857 --> 00:40:32,177 a kind of eerie innocence. 766 00:40:32,218 --> 00:40:35,778 People look at you, and they have to believe 767 00:40:35,818 --> 00:40:37,617 there's a better world somewhere. 768 00:40:37,657 --> 00:40:39,898 Besides, I'm slowing down. 769 00:40:39,937 --> 00:40:42,697 - Well, could I make enough money to save the monastery? 770 00:40:42,738 --> 00:40:45,337 I need $5,000. - But, of course. 771 00:40:46,937 --> 00:40:48,498 - What have I got to lose? 772 00:40:48,538 --> 00:40:51,737 - Partners. - Partners. 773 00:40:51,777 --> 00:40:53,098 - Ha. 774 00:40:59,058 --> 00:41:01,418 ( "I've Been Working On the Railroad" plays ) 775 00:41:04,938 --> 00:41:06,618 ( horn honks ) 776 00:41:09,818 --> 00:41:12,258 ( chatter ) 777 00:41:21,538 --> 00:41:24,658 - Ambrose, hi. 778 00:41:24,698 --> 00:41:26,138 What are you doing here? 779 00:41:26,178 --> 00:41:28,138 - Well, thought we could go out tonight and celebrate. 780 00:41:28,178 --> 00:41:30,058 - I just can't. 781 00:41:30,098 --> 00:41:31,218 ( horn honks ) 782 00:41:31,258 --> 00:41:32,338 Listen, I'm really sorry. 783 00:41:32,378 --> 00:41:33,538 But it's just, you know, Friday night. 784 00:41:33,578 --> 00:41:34,338 And then, you know, it's my big night. 785 00:41:34,378 --> 00:41:35,538 And I just... 786 00:41:35,578 --> 00:41:37,218 ( honking continues ) 787 00:41:37,258 --> 00:41:39,058 I-- I couldn't-- I mean, I couldn't just-- I mean, 788 00:41:39,098 --> 00:41:40,698 I'm not dressed to go anywhere, you know. 789 00:41:40,738 --> 00:41:41,858 - Look. 790 00:41:44,978 --> 00:41:46,978 You look-- you look lovely. 791 00:41:47,018 --> 00:41:50,818 - Oh, Ambrose, that is so beautiful. 792 00:41:50,858 --> 00:41:54,138 - Shall we go? - I'm sorry. I can't. 793 00:41:54,178 --> 00:41:56,698 - Yeah, I understand. 794 00:41:56,738 --> 00:41:58,898 I mean, if you'd rather be here with your friends, 795 00:41:58,938 --> 00:42:01,618 well, hey, that's okay. I can... 796 00:42:01,659 --> 00:42:02,858 - I'll see you later, okay? - See you later. Yeah. 797 00:42:02,899 --> 00:42:05,338 - Okay. I'll see you later. - Okay. 798 00:42:06,459 --> 00:42:08,138 ( honking ) 799 00:42:15,898 --> 00:42:17,419 - Where are we going? 800 00:42:17,458 --> 00:42:20,258 - Oh, well, it's bingo night at the all-night mission, and I-- 801 00:42:20,299 --> 00:42:21,618 - I've had it now. Come on. 802 00:42:21,659 --> 00:42:23,739 It's all right. Come on, baby. 803 00:42:23,778 --> 00:42:25,858 - Stop it! - Come on. 804 00:42:25,898 --> 00:42:28,259 - No, you stop that. 805 00:42:30,538 --> 00:42:32,939 - Excuse me, sir. 806 00:42:32,978 --> 00:42:34,259 That was very rude. 807 00:42:34,299 --> 00:42:36,739 I'm sure you didn't mean it. 808 00:42:36,779 --> 00:42:40,218 Now, according to, uh, Timothy, 809 00:42:40,258 --> 00:42:43,658 chapter 2, verse 25, be gentle unto all men. 810 00:42:43,698 --> 00:42:45,458 But, of course, that means all women, too. 811 00:42:45,499 --> 00:42:46,418 ( grunts ) 812 00:42:46,459 --> 00:42:47,859 - Oh, what are you doing to him? 813 00:42:47,898 --> 00:42:49,818 - Perhaps you prefer St. Matthew. 814 00:42:49,858 --> 00:42:52,298 Thou shalt love thy enemies. 815 00:42:52,338 --> 00:42:55,539 In other words, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. 816 00:42:55,578 --> 00:42:58,618 - You wouldn't wish me to do this unto you. 817 00:43:04,378 --> 00:43:07,579 - Take the gospel according to St. Mark. 818 00:43:07,619 --> 00:43:10,699 Now, it isn't me you're hurting. It's you. 819 00:43:10,739 --> 00:43:14,019 It's your soul that's in pain, your immortal soul. 820 00:43:16,779 --> 00:43:18,579 Excuse me, sir. 821 00:43:18,618 --> 00:43:23,379 On the other hand, there's the Old Testament. 822 00:43:23,418 --> 00:43:24,739 David and Goliath. 823 00:43:36,779 --> 00:43:39,499 - You just don't really understand is that 824 00:43:39,539 --> 00:43:43,259 you can't always have everything just the way you want it. 825 00:43:43,298 --> 00:43:46,459 You know, it may not be the best of all possible worlds, 826 00:43:46,499 --> 00:43:48,739 but it's the only damn one we've got. 827 00:43:48,779 --> 00:43:51,819 That's what my Pop used to say anyway. 828 00:43:51,859 --> 00:43:55,379 - What was he like, your Pop? 829 00:43:55,419 --> 00:43:59,219 - I don't remember much about him, except his legs. 830 00:43:59,259 --> 00:44:04,099 He had an angel flying up his right leg 831 00:44:04,140 --> 00:44:08,059 and he had a devil crawling down his left leg 832 00:44:08,099 --> 00:44:11,579 and disappearing into his sock. 833 00:44:11,619 --> 00:44:12,900 - Huh? 834 00:44:12,939 --> 00:44:14,019 - Tattoo. 835 00:44:14,059 --> 00:44:14,939 - Oh. - He had tattoos. 836 00:44:14,979 --> 00:44:16,259 - Oh. 837 00:44:16,299 --> 00:44:19,379 - He ran out on us when I was three, so.... 838 00:44:19,419 --> 00:44:22,819 - At least you know who your father was. 839 00:44:22,859 --> 00:44:24,980 I was abandoned on a monastery doorstep. 840 00:44:25,019 --> 00:44:27,219 There was just a little note. 841 00:44:27,259 --> 00:44:29,780 "Attached child is a gift from God. 842 00:44:29,819 --> 00:44:33,419 P.S. Please return to sender." 843 00:44:46,179 --> 00:44:48,859 - You-- you don't, uh, have to sleep 844 00:44:48,899 --> 00:44:51,459 in the other room if you don't want to tonight. 845 00:44:51,499 --> 00:44:54,899 I mean, you know you could stay in here with me if you like. 846 00:44:58,179 --> 00:44:59,900 - Excuse me. 847 00:45:38,860 --> 00:45:40,780 - For what we are about to receive, 848 00:45:40,820 --> 00:45:43,900 may the Lord make us truly thankful. 849 00:45:50,979 --> 00:45:54,580 ♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪ 850 00:45:54,620 --> 00:45:55,940 ♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪ 851 00:45:55,980 --> 00:45:58,220 ♪ Hallelujah ♪ 852 00:45:58,260 --> 00:46:00,740 ♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah ♪ 853 00:46:00,780 --> 00:46:07,340 ♪ Hallelujah, Hallelujah. ♪ 854 00:46:19,140 --> 00:46:20,340 - Good morning. 855 00:46:20,380 --> 00:46:21,980 Morning. 856 00:46:22,020 --> 00:46:23,460 ( Mary moans ) 857 00:46:23,500 --> 00:46:24,860 Morning? 858 00:46:24,900 --> 00:46:27,460 - Good morning. Hi. 859 00:46:27,500 --> 00:46:28,980 - Surprise. 860 00:46:31,141 --> 00:46:33,980 Remember, the first night we met, you said you liked it. 861 00:46:34,021 --> 00:46:36,140 - Oh, right. 862 00:46:36,180 --> 00:46:39,501 Aw, thank-- oh, look. 863 00:46:39,540 --> 00:46:41,740 Thank you. Thank you. 864 00:46:46,341 --> 00:46:48,261 Mmm. 865 00:46:53,860 --> 00:46:57,660 Mmm. Mmm. So good. 866 00:46:57,700 --> 00:46:58,861 - Not too much mustard? 867 00:46:58,900 --> 00:47:00,461 - Mm-mm. 868 00:47:00,501 --> 00:47:02,821 I am so full. 869 00:47:02,860 --> 00:47:04,140 Mmm. 870 00:47:04,181 --> 00:47:05,340 ( chuckles ) 871 00:47:05,380 --> 00:47:07,020 Mmm. 872 00:47:07,061 --> 00:47:09,740 - Listen, um, about last night, uh, 873 00:47:09,781 --> 00:47:12,381 did I, um, did we... 874 00:47:12,421 --> 00:47:13,901 - Mm-hmm. 875 00:47:13,941 --> 00:47:15,541 We went through the whole menu. 876 00:47:15,581 --> 00:47:16,941 ( chuckles ) 877 00:47:16,980 --> 00:47:20,381 You may check off items number one through 75. 878 00:47:20,420 --> 00:47:22,261 - Did I really do all that? 879 00:47:22,301 --> 00:47:27,501 - Yeah. Well, not in one go. Let me put it this way. 880 00:47:27,540 --> 00:47:31,621 See, we both should have arrived at 72 at the same time. 881 00:47:31,660 --> 00:47:35,421 But you got to 72 while I was still, you know, 882 00:47:35,461 --> 00:47:37,381 hangin' around number nine. 883 00:47:37,420 --> 00:47:38,741 But that's just a technicality. 884 00:47:38,780 --> 00:47:41,021 - No, I'm sorry. - No, don't be silly. 885 00:47:41,061 --> 00:47:43,701 You know, nice guys sometimes finish first. 886 00:47:43,741 --> 00:47:46,661 Just think of it as a sin of emission. 887 00:47:46,701 --> 00:47:48,301 - You've done this before, haven't you? 888 00:47:48,341 --> 00:47:49,701 I can tell. 889 00:47:49,741 --> 00:47:51,461 - You could tell? How? 890 00:47:51,501 --> 00:47:54,021 - You kept screaming, get to 11, get to 11. 891 00:47:54,061 --> 00:47:55,741 - Did I do that? 892 00:47:55,780 --> 00:47:56,981 - Get to 11, yeah. 893 00:47:57,020 --> 00:47:59,021 - Oh, I'm sorry. 894 00:47:59,061 --> 00:48:02,141 It's just, well, I guess number 11 895 00:48:02,181 --> 00:48:04,621 has always been one of my favorites. 896 00:48:06,301 --> 00:48:10,661 Listen, Ambrose, I don't wanna upset you, but... 897 00:48:10,701 --> 00:48:12,221 - What? 898 00:48:14,581 --> 00:48:16,541 - I have to be honest with you. 899 00:48:16,581 --> 00:48:17,941 - What? 900 00:48:17,981 --> 00:48:20,701 - I'm a hooker. 901 00:48:20,741 --> 00:48:21,422 - Well, I know. - A harlot. 902 00:48:21,461 --> 00:48:22,701 - I know. 903 00:48:22,741 --> 00:48:24,261 - I'm like a whore from your Bible. 904 00:48:24,302 --> 00:48:25,421 - Yeah, I know. - You know? 905 00:48:25,461 --> 00:48:27,501 - I worked it out. 906 00:48:27,541 --> 00:48:29,181 - And you're not shocked? 907 00:48:29,221 --> 00:48:30,701 - About what? 908 00:48:30,742 --> 00:48:33,021 - That-- me being a hooker. 909 00:48:33,061 --> 00:48:34,821 - No. 910 00:48:34,862 --> 00:48:38,261 It's just the outside world is nothing like anything 911 00:48:38,301 --> 00:48:39,541 I was taught in the monastery. 912 00:48:39,581 --> 00:48:41,461 I'm just a bit, well, confused, you know. 913 00:48:41,501 --> 00:48:43,941 - So you mean you do have doubts, huh? 914 00:48:43,981 --> 00:48:45,981 - Mm, doubts are about the only certainties 915 00:48:46,021 --> 00:48:47,941 I have right now, you know? 916 00:48:47,981 --> 00:48:50,861 - So then you'll be going, uh, back to the monastery? 917 00:48:50,902 --> 00:48:53,461 - Eventually, yeah. 918 00:48:53,502 --> 00:48:55,301 I mean, it's my home. 919 00:48:55,341 --> 00:48:59,102 - When are you gonna go? 920 00:48:59,141 --> 00:49:00,622 - After I see Mr. Thunderbird. 921 00:49:06,581 --> 00:49:10,222 Well, I suppose I better get dressed. 922 00:49:21,421 --> 00:49:24,622 By the way, um, I think I love you. 923 00:49:24,661 --> 00:49:26,181 Do you mind? 924 00:49:26,222 --> 00:49:28,101 - Heh. 925 00:49:28,142 --> 00:49:30,861 Do I mind? 926 00:50:00,581 --> 00:50:04,262 - Potsville, the string cheese capital of the world. 927 00:50:04,301 --> 00:50:08,862 - Aha. Where there is string cheese, sin cannot be far behind. 928 00:50:08,902 --> 00:50:11,222 ( music on PA system ) 929 00:50:11,262 --> 00:50:13,822 - Good afternoon, idle sinners of Potsville. 930 00:50:13,862 --> 00:50:17,022 Salvation is at hand. 931 00:50:17,062 --> 00:50:18,582 Let Dr. Melmoth bring peace to your souls 932 00:50:18,622 --> 00:50:20,342 through the Good Book. 933 00:50:22,942 --> 00:50:25,382 - Good afternoon, voters of Potsville. 934 00:50:25,422 --> 00:50:27,222 Let Mayor Dwork bring peace to your city 935 00:50:27,262 --> 00:50:29,262 through law and order. 936 00:50:29,302 --> 00:50:33,182 I say-- I say put the lazy bums to work and get 'em off welfare. 937 00:50:33,222 --> 00:50:36,062 - For their welfare is my concern, sayeth the Lord. 938 00:50:36,102 --> 00:50:38,302 For the Lord's way is the way of right. 939 00:50:38,342 --> 00:50:40,862 The Lord is coming through. 940 00:50:40,902 --> 00:50:43,182 - Like hell he is. He hasn't got right-of-way. 941 00:50:43,223 --> 00:50:44,902 He don't give preference over the Grand Old Party. 942 00:50:44,942 --> 00:50:46,422 Back off, lard-ass. 943 00:50:46,462 --> 00:50:47,982 - Up thine, Brother. 944 00:50:48,023 --> 00:50:50,462 - Yeah? You gonna move that heap of crap? 945 00:50:50,502 --> 00:50:51,942 - No. 946 00:50:55,662 --> 00:50:58,942 Okay. So it's dirty pool you want. 947 00:50:58,983 --> 00:51:02,263 Well, the Lord knows that game, too. 948 00:51:02,302 --> 00:51:06,342 All right. It's God versus democracy. 949 00:51:06,383 --> 00:51:09,622 Yee-haw. 950 00:51:11,782 --> 00:51:14,743 - Commie Jesus freaks! 951 00:51:19,342 --> 00:51:21,382 - Yee-haw! 952 00:51:22,942 --> 00:51:27,942 - All right, Cox. 953 00:51:27,982 --> 00:51:30,103 God wins every time. 954 00:51:31,343 --> 00:51:33,022 ( yells ) 955 00:51:37,462 --> 00:51:41,142 ♪ Onward, Christian soldiers ♪ 956 00:51:41,183 --> 00:51:44,783 ♪ Marching on to war ♪ 957 00:51:44,822 --> 00:51:47,982 - ♪ With the cross of Jesus ♪ 958 00:51:48,023 --> 00:51:52,703 ♪ Going on before ♪ 959 00:51:52,743 --> 00:51:59,143 ♪ Amen ♪ 960 00:51:59,183 --> 00:52:03,703 - And now, sinners, when ye entered herein, 961 00:52:03,742 --> 00:52:08,903 did ye not turn unto yeselves and say, 962 00:52:08,943 --> 00:52:11,823 why has he locked the door? 963 00:52:11,863 --> 00:52:12,503 I'll tell you why. 964 00:52:12,543 --> 00:52:19,223 Because it is too easy to turn from the Lord and run. 965 00:52:19,263 --> 00:52:24,503 Moses, when he saw the burning bush, did not turn and run. 966 00:52:24,543 --> 00:52:30,703 No, I did not turn and run when I saw the burning bush. 967 00:52:30,743 --> 00:52:32,543 Aye, who's that? 968 00:52:32,583 --> 00:52:35,663 Why, who could that be? 969 00:52:35,703 --> 00:52:38,903 Why, it's Moses himself. 970 00:52:38,943 --> 00:52:41,743 ( applause ) 971 00:52:41,783 --> 00:52:43,143 ( organ music plays "Hava Nagila" ) 972 00:52:43,183 --> 00:52:46,663 - Let's hear it for him, wonderful Biblical prophet. 973 00:52:46,703 --> 00:52:48,463 What happened to you when you saw the burning bush? 974 00:52:48,503 --> 00:52:51,303 - I was God-struck. - You were what? 975 00:52:51,343 --> 00:52:52,863 - God-struck. 976 00:52:52,903 --> 00:52:55,424 - You mean you were dumbstruck, dummy. 977 00:52:55,463 --> 00:52:58,343 - Well, that's what I thought I said. 978 00:52:58,383 --> 00:53:00,703 - Seriously-- seriously, that concludes-- thank you. 979 00:53:00,743 --> 00:53:03,543 - ( applause ) - Whew. 980 00:53:03,583 --> 00:53:05,863 And now that concludes the entertainment portion of our show. 981 00:53:05,903 --> 00:53:09,503 And, uh, for the next segment, uh, we shall all join 982 00:53:09,544 --> 00:53:12,824 little Moses in singing "We Shall Gather by the River" 983 00:53:12,863 --> 00:53:16,223 whilst I partake of some communion wine 984 00:53:16,264 --> 00:53:21,263 and a very fine Puerto Ricanyo cigar simultaneously. 985 00:53:23,223 --> 00:53:24,303 Thank you. Thank you. 986 00:53:24,344 --> 00:53:25,263 ( coughs ) 987 00:53:25,304 --> 00:53:26,383 ( snores ) 988 00:53:26,424 --> 00:53:28,064 - Hit it, Professor. 989 00:53:29,663 --> 00:53:32,824 - ♪ We shall gather at the river ♪ 990 00:53:32,864 --> 00:53:36,664 ♪ The beautiful, the beautiful river ♪ 991 00:53:36,704 --> 00:53:39,943 ♪ Gather with the saints at the river ♪ 992 00:53:39,984 --> 00:53:43,664 ♪ That flows by the throne of God ♪ 993 00:53:43,704 --> 00:53:47,104 ♪ Shall we gather at the river ♪ 994 00:53:47,143 --> 00:53:51,023 ♪ Where bright angel feet have trod ♪ 995 00:53:51,064 --> 00:53:54,583 ♪ With its crystal tide forever ♪ 996 00:53:54,624 --> 00:53:57,983 ♪ Flowing by the throne of God ♪ 997 00:53:58,023 --> 00:54:01,423 ♪ We shall gather at the river ♪ 998 00:54:01,464 --> 00:54:05,304 ♪ The beautiful, the beautiful river ♪ 999 00:54:05,344 --> 00:54:09,424 ♪ Gather with the saints at the river that flows ♪ 1000 00:54:09,464 --> 00:54:12,624 ♪ By the throne of God ♪ 1001 00:54:48,624 --> 00:54:51,944 ♪ We shall gather at the river ♪ 1002 00:54:51,984 --> 00:54:55,384 ♪ The beautiful, the beautiful river ♪ 1003 00:54:55,424 --> 00:54:59,104 ♪ Gather with the saints at the river ♪ 1004 00:54:59,144 --> 00:55:00,104 ♪ That flows by the throne of God ♪ 1005 00:55:00,144 --> 00:55:01,424 ( bell rings ) 1006 00:55:02,864 --> 00:55:07,944 ♪ That flows by the throne of God... ♪ 1007 00:55:07,984 --> 00:55:13,024 ♪ Amen ♪ 1008 00:55:13,064 --> 00:55:15,504 ( bell ringing ) 1009 00:55:22,664 --> 00:55:24,824 - Taped this for you earlier, A.T.T. 1010 00:55:24,864 --> 00:55:27,144 We thought you might be interested. 1011 00:55:29,184 --> 00:55:32,224 - In Peru today, 5,000 died in an earthquake. 1012 00:55:32,264 --> 00:55:35,824 There's news of a train crash in Turkey which killed 400. 1013 00:55:35,865 --> 00:55:38,664 But it's going to be another lovely day tomorrow 1014 00:55:38,704 --> 00:55:43,545 with temperatures in the high '70s, so mostly it's good news. 1015 00:55:43,584 --> 00:55:47,825 On the local front, a mobile church crashed in mid-service into a lake in Orange County. 1016 00:55:47,864 --> 00:55:49,504 Fortunately, nobody was hurt, 1017 00:55:49,544 --> 00:55:51,505 but one of the promoters in this scheme, 1018 00:55:51,544 --> 00:55:55,384 a Dr. Sebastian Melmoth, here seen baptizing the survivors, 1019 00:55:55,424 --> 00:55:57,825 described it as an act of God and said 1020 00:55:57,864 --> 00:56:01,065 he's considering suing God's business manager, the Pope. 1021 00:56:01,105 --> 00:56:03,504 His partner, a Brother Ambrose, an alleged monk, 1022 00:56:03,545 --> 00:56:04,785 was not available for comments. 1023 00:56:04,825 --> 00:56:06,825 - Prayer mobiles. 1024 00:56:06,865 --> 00:56:09,824 - Thought we'd just run it up the Crucifix and see who genuflects. 1025 00:56:09,865 --> 00:56:14,505 - Mobile churches, covering the whole country, 1026 00:56:14,545 --> 00:56:16,384 just think of it, the whole country. 1027 00:56:16,425 --> 00:56:21,145 You can fool some of the people all the time 1028 00:56:21,184 --> 00:56:24,785 and those are the sons of bitches we gonna get. 1029 00:56:24,825 --> 00:56:29,425 Now we could have every sinner's balls in our hands. 1030 00:56:29,465 --> 00:56:32,465 Just how much we decide to squeeze 'em for 1031 00:56:32,505 --> 00:56:33,784 will be G.O.D.'s decision. 1032 00:56:33,825 --> 00:56:35,745 - Uh, Miss Milligan? 1033 00:56:35,785 --> 00:56:38,864 - We can have Miss Milligan here prepare some ballpark figures on the scheme. 1034 00:56:38,905 --> 00:56:41,505 - Oh, well, yes. 1035 00:56:41,545 --> 00:56:44,105 - You'll get back to us on it? 1036 00:56:44,145 --> 00:56:47,345 - Yeah-- yeah, soonest, soonest, soonest. 1037 00:56:47,385 --> 00:56:48,864 I have a one o'clock with G.O.D., you know, 1038 00:56:48,905 --> 00:56:50,504 huddles and confab. 1039 00:56:50,545 --> 00:56:53,265 Uh, it'll be numero uno on the agenda. 1040 00:56:59,505 --> 00:57:01,825 I'm comin', G.O.D. 1041 00:57:03,425 --> 00:57:05,345 Thy will be done. 1042 00:57:30,505 --> 00:57:33,905 Oh, G.O.D., in whom we trust, 1043 00:57:33,945 --> 00:57:37,025 who adviseth me and all the workings 1044 00:57:37,065 --> 00:57:38,945 His great conglomerate, 1045 00:57:38,985 --> 00:57:43,665 C.D.P., consider this proposition. 1046 00:57:44,905 --> 00:57:46,345 - Approved. 1047 00:57:46,385 --> 00:57:49,186 But you cannot be everywhere. 1048 00:57:49,225 --> 00:57:52,985 We need a disciple to lead our crusade, 1049 00:57:53,026 --> 00:57:57,946 somebody pure, devout, without a record, 1050 00:57:57,985 --> 00:58:02,066 someone a Congressional committee wouldn't suspect. 1051 00:58:02,105 --> 00:58:06,026 - Dost thou have someone in mind, O Mighty One? 1052 00:58:06,066 --> 00:58:10,586 - Ask thyself, and it shall answer thee. 1053 00:58:10,625 --> 00:58:12,705 - The monk? 1054 00:58:12,746 --> 00:58:14,345 You believe he could-- 1055 00:58:14,386 --> 00:58:16,265 - Consider the bears in the wood. 1056 00:58:16,306 --> 00:58:18,506 Crappeth, they not? 1057 00:58:18,546 --> 00:58:21,906 Of course, the monk, you dumb schmuck. 1058 00:58:21,946 --> 00:58:23,385 ( knock on door ) 1059 00:58:27,306 --> 00:58:29,106 - I saw it on the news. Are you all right? 1060 00:58:29,145 --> 00:58:30,066 - I-- I'm all right. 1061 00:58:30,105 --> 00:58:32,506 Yes, uh, Dr. Melmoth's a bit-- 1062 00:58:32,545 --> 00:58:33,505 well, we stopped at a few bars. 1063 00:58:33,546 --> 00:58:34,905 - Oh. Okay. 1064 00:58:34,946 --> 00:58:36,265 Why don't you, uh, put him to sleep there, 1065 00:58:36,306 --> 00:58:37,306 and I'll get some black coffee. 1066 00:58:37,345 --> 00:58:39,706 - Yeah. 1067 00:58:52,586 --> 00:58:54,625 ( grunts ) 1068 00:59:17,066 --> 00:59:19,506 ( groans ) 1069 00:59:19,546 --> 00:59:23,066 - When I was in the water back there, I was drowning. 1070 00:59:23,106 --> 00:59:26,866 My whole life flashed before my eyes, 1071 00:59:26,906 --> 00:59:30,706 and I wasn't in it. 1072 00:59:30,746 --> 00:59:32,306 ( sobs ) 1073 00:59:46,027 --> 00:59:47,746 - Whoa. 1074 01:00:07,947 --> 01:00:10,827 ( groans ) 1075 01:00:18,986 --> 01:00:20,946 - Okay. The coffee's almost ready. 1076 01:00:20,987 --> 01:00:23,027 I hope he likes drip. 1077 01:00:23,067 --> 01:00:24,866 - It's no use. 1078 01:00:24,906 --> 01:00:26,426 - Listen, you can start again. 1079 01:00:26,467 --> 01:00:28,387 - No, it's too late. I'm too old. 1080 01:00:28,426 --> 01:00:30,067 - No. 1081 01:00:30,106 --> 01:00:33,067 - I had talent once. I-- I had ambition. 1082 01:00:33,106 --> 01:00:35,267 I had-- I had hands. 1083 01:00:35,306 --> 01:00:39,026 I had wonderful hands. 1084 01:00:39,067 --> 01:00:40,786 I could have been somebody. 1085 01:00:40,827 --> 01:00:42,947 I could have been a Bishop. 1086 01:00:42,986 --> 01:00:47,547 I could have preached a revival in a ballpark outdoors. 1087 01:00:47,587 --> 01:00:53,027 Instead, here I am selling Lazarus dolls in the suburbs. 1088 01:00:53,067 --> 01:00:54,307 - Yeah, well, may-- maybe they'll help some people. 1089 01:00:54,346 --> 01:00:55,947 - That ain't it. 1090 01:00:55,987 --> 01:00:59,587 I could have said mass, instead of being a bum. 1091 01:00:59,627 --> 01:01:02,827 Face it. I'm a bum. 1092 01:01:02,866 --> 01:01:06,707 And now, I'll work on my sermon. 1093 01:01:06,747 --> 01:01:08,627 - Could I-- - I'll sleep now. 1094 01:01:08,667 --> 01:01:11,707 For tomorrow's sermon... - Sleep. 1095 01:01:11,747 --> 01:01:13,427 - Tomorrow's sermon... 1096 01:01:14,427 --> 01:01:17,147 - Here you go. 1097 01:01:17,187 --> 01:01:19,347 ( pounding on door ) 1098 01:01:39,707 --> 01:01:41,267 - Hello? 1099 01:01:41,307 --> 01:01:43,307 Hello? 1100 01:01:43,347 --> 01:01:45,987 Hello? Is anybody there? 1101 01:01:46,027 --> 01:01:49,347 ( thunder ) 1102 01:01:53,867 --> 01:01:56,188 - Mr. Thunderbird. 1103 01:01:56,227 --> 01:01:58,587 - He. 1104 01:01:58,627 --> 01:02:01,027 - I've been tryin' to see you for months. 1105 01:02:01,067 --> 01:02:02,787 I have this letter from the Abbot. 1106 01:02:02,827 --> 01:02:03,787 It's about the mortgage on the monastery. 1107 01:02:03,827 --> 01:02:06,787 - I know. - You know? 1108 01:02:06,827 --> 01:02:11,747 - I have the mortgage deed to your monastery. 1109 01:02:11,788 --> 01:02:14,828 It will be yours in good time. 1110 01:02:14,867 --> 01:02:18,108 God spake unto me of this even this day. 1111 01:02:18,147 --> 01:02:20,227 - God-- God speaks to you? 1112 01:02:20,267 --> 01:02:21,828 - Spake. - Spake. 1113 01:02:21,867 --> 01:02:26,107 God spakes, uh, talks to you personally with-- with words? 1114 01:02:26,147 --> 01:02:26,748 - Of course. 1115 01:02:26,787 --> 01:02:32,108 - Well, I mean, I-- I-- spake-- I speak with Him. 1116 01:02:32,147 --> 01:02:33,547 But, you know, when You're busy, 1117 01:02:33,588 --> 01:02:35,108 and You're a celebrity, I suppose you don't really 1118 01:02:35,147 --> 01:02:36,107 have much time to... 1119 01:02:36,147 --> 01:02:37,828 - Oh, He listens. 1120 01:02:37,868 --> 01:02:39,388 We speak of you often. 1121 01:02:39,427 --> 01:02:41,507 You know, He's very fond of you, Ambrose. 1122 01:02:41,548 --> 01:02:44,148 - I-- I feel the same way about Him. I-- 1123 01:02:44,188 --> 01:02:45,788 - You see, everything in your life has been 1124 01:02:45,828 --> 01:02:47,667 leading up to this moment. 1125 01:02:47,708 --> 01:02:52,108 God has chosen you, Brother Ambrose, 1126 01:02:52,148 --> 01:02:55,467 to lead his nationwide mobile crusade. 1127 01:02:55,508 --> 01:02:56,628 - Me? 1128 01:02:56,668 --> 01:03:01,067 He-- He-- He mentioned me s-- specifically? 1129 01:03:01,108 --> 01:03:02,867 - You. 1130 01:03:02,908 --> 01:03:04,428 And you shall be rewarded. 1131 01:03:04,468 --> 01:03:06,427 Is not the laborer worthy of His hire? 1132 01:03:06,468 --> 01:03:08,907 - Look, Mr. Thunderbird, um, may-- may I-- 1133 01:03:08,948 --> 01:03:09,707 may I be honest with you? 1134 01:03:09,748 --> 01:03:11,108 - Why surely. 1135 01:03:11,148 --> 01:03:12,748 - You see, in your-- in your services, 1136 01:03:12,788 --> 01:03:14,628 all you do is-- is talk about money. 1137 01:03:14,668 --> 01:03:16,148 I thought virtue was its own reward. 1138 01:03:16,188 --> 01:03:17,508 - Of course it is. 1139 01:03:17,548 --> 01:03:19,468 That's why it doesn't attract the top talent. 1140 01:03:19,508 --> 01:03:22,187 - But the Bible, God's book, 1141 01:03:22,228 --> 01:03:23,748 says we should share the money equally. 1142 01:03:23,788 --> 01:03:25,468 - Wrong. 1143 01:03:25,508 --> 01:03:28,508 If God had not meant for some people to be poorer than others, 1144 01:03:28,548 --> 01:03:30,948 then He would not have published the Bible in paperback. 1145 01:03:30,988 --> 01:03:33,628 - I-- I-- just can't believe that life is only money. 1146 01:03:33,668 --> 01:03:35,148 - Money is life. 1147 01:03:35,188 --> 01:03:37,428 It is the lack of it which is the real evil. 1148 01:03:37,468 --> 01:03:40,188 Who feedeth the hungry? 1149 01:03:40,228 --> 01:03:42,028 Is it manna from heaven 1150 01:03:42,068 --> 01:03:44,468 or fried chicken from Kentucky? 1151 01:03:44,508 --> 01:03:46,028 Who clotheth the naked? 1152 01:03:46,068 --> 01:03:48,428 Is it J.C.? 1153 01:03:48,468 --> 01:03:50,429 Or is it J.C. Penney? 1154 01:03:50,468 --> 01:03:53,589 And what will save your wretched monastery? 1155 01:03:53,628 --> 01:03:55,988 A miracle? 1156 01:03:56,028 --> 01:03:59,508 Or $5,000 cash? 1157 01:03:59,548 --> 01:04:00,628 - It's true. 1158 01:04:00,668 --> 01:04:02,028 - Oh, no, my friend. 1159 01:04:02,068 --> 01:04:03,708 Money is clean. 1160 01:04:03,748 --> 01:04:07,388 Money is beautiful. 1161 01:04:07,429 --> 01:04:09,788 Money is holy. 1162 01:04:09,828 --> 01:04:12,828 I need it to support my hospitals, 1163 01:04:12,868 --> 01:04:16,629 my charities, my worthy causes. 1164 01:04:16,668 --> 01:04:20,668 You shall go forth and gather it in. 1165 01:04:20,709 --> 01:04:25,548 That is what God has chosen you for. 1166 01:04:25,588 --> 01:04:27,829 ( thunder ) 1167 01:04:29,548 --> 01:04:32,828 - ♪ In God we trust ♪ 1168 01:04:32,868 --> 01:04:36,189 ♪ Invest in Him on high ♪ 1169 01:04:36,229 --> 01:04:39,509 ♪ God's sweetest buy ♪ 1170 01:04:39,548 --> 01:04:43,589 ♪ Is in the by-and-by ♪ 1171 01:04:43,629 --> 01:04:46,509 ♪ Though stocks may fall ♪ 1172 01:04:46,548 --> 01:04:49,909 ♪ And worldly shares may crash ♪ 1173 01:04:49,949 --> 01:04:53,469 ♪ Our share of heaven's safe ♪ 1174 01:04:53,509 --> 01:04:57,228 ♪ In good hard cash ♪ 1175 01:04:57,268 --> 01:05:00,469 ♪ Give unto Him ♪ 1176 01:05:00,509 --> 01:05:04,029 ♪ The money's heaven spent ♪ 1177 01:05:04,069 --> 01:05:07,429 ♪ All loans at banks ♪ 1178 01:05:07,469 --> 01:05:11,469 ♪ Yield six or seven percent ♪ 1179 01:05:11,508 --> 01:05:14,589 ♪ Each buck you give ♪ 1180 01:05:14,629 --> 01:05:18,348 ♪ Shall be tax free therefore ♪ 1181 01:05:18,389 --> 01:05:21,749 ♪ And shall returneth thee ♪ 1182 01:05:21,788 --> 01:05:24,989 ♪ Ten thousandfold ♪ 1183 01:05:26,949 --> 01:05:30,749 ♪ His hand that made ♪ 1184 01:05:30,789 --> 01:05:34,709 ♪ The Earth and sky and sea ♪ 1185 01:05:34,749 --> 01:05:37,869 ♪ Now reacheth forth ♪ 1186 01:05:37,909 --> 01:05:41,749 ♪ For its gratuity ♪ 1187 01:05:41,789 --> 01:05:45,228 ♪ Shouldst thou walk by ♪ 1188 01:05:45,269 --> 01:05:49,309 ♪ And treat Him like a bum ♪ 1189 01:05:49,349 --> 01:05:52,789 ♪ That hand shall be dirty ♪ 1190 01:05:52,829 --> 01:05:55,389 ♪ In Kingdom come ♪ 1191 01:05:55,429 --> 01:05:56,709 ♪ Oh, yes ♪ 1192 01:05:56,749 --> 01:05:59,789 ♪ That hand shall be dirty ♪ 1193 01:05:59,829 --> 01:06:06,750 ♪ In Kingdom come. ♪ 1194 01:06:30,949 --> 01:06:32,589 - Ambrose. 1195 01:06:32,629 --> 01:06:35,149 - Ah, turn around 1196 01:06:35,189 --> 01:06:37,030 and don't open your eyes 'till I tell you. 1197 01:06:38,389 --> 01:06:40,470 - That's funny. 1198 01:06:40,509 --> 01:06:42,790 I was just about to ask you to do the same thing. 1199 01:06:42,829 --> 01:06:46,469 - All right. 1200 01:06:46,510 --> 01:06:48,270 Surprise. 1201 01:07:11,270 --> 01:07:12,749 ( cork pops ) 1202 01:07:15,229 --> 01:07:17,669 - To your little misconception. 1203 01:07:17,710 --> 01:07:18,789 ( chuckles ) 1204 01:07:22,110 --> 01:07:23,589 - Well, why not? - No. 1205 01:07:23,630 --> 01:07:24,949 - Why? Why-- why not? - No. 1206 01:07:24,990 --> 01:07:26,589 What if it turns out to be a girl? 1207 01:07:26,630 --> 01:07:28,430 - Well, Armageddon could be a girl's name, couldn't it? 1208 01:07:28,470 --> 01:07:32,110 - You know, I don't know what the hell has come over you, Ambrose. 1209 01:07:32,150 --> 01:07:33,589 But you come in here. 1210 01:07:33,630 --> 01:07:35,870 You're wearing a cockamamie silk dress. 1211 01:07:35,909 --> 01:07:37,590 - It's not a dress. It's a robe. 1212 01:07:37,630 --> 01:07:38,670 Armageddon said it would be good for the whole-- 1213 01:07:38,710 --> 01:07:40,350 - Armageddon says, Armageddon says. 1214 01:07:40,390 --> 01:07:43,150 All you give me are his words. 1215 01:07:43,190 --> 01:07:45,789 I don't want anything that's been in his mouth. 1216 01:07:45,830 --> 01:07:49,430 You have swallowed all this crap that Armageddon's fed you. 1217 01:07:49,470 --> 01:07:52,190 Well, it's true. And you are what you eat. 1218 01:07:52,229 --> 01:07:54,790 - Mr. Melmoth, would you explain-- 1219 01:07:54,829 --> 01:07:57,270 - I don't need him to explain it to me. 1220 01:07:57,310 --> 01:08:00,390 - Look, now just leave me outta this. 1221 01:08:00,430 --> 01:08:02,910 I don't want any hassle. 1222 01:08:02,950 --> 01:08:05,190 I just want peace in my old age. 1223 01:08:05,230 --> 01:08:07,950 - Well, tell her about Armageddon's charities, about his hospitals. 1224 01:08:07,990 --> 01:08:09,590 He's doing God's work. 1225 01:08:09,630 --> 01:08:12,830 - Horseshit. He's doin' Armageddon's work. 1226 01:08:12,870 --> 01:08:16,390 It's a rip-off. It's big business. 1227 01:08:16,430 --> 01:08:17,790 It's-- - You can't just say that. 1228 01:08:17,830 --> 01:08:19,150 What-- what-- what proof-- - Proof? 1229 01:08:19,190 --> 01:08:20,950 - Yeah. - There is no proof. 1230 01:08:20,990 --> 01:08:23,670 But every hustler on the street knows what this guy is. 1231 01:08:23,710 --> 01:08:26,310 - Why did you wait till now before you told me? 1232 01:08:26,351 --> 01:08:28,390 - Because I didn't want to hurt your feelings. 1233 01:08:28,430 --> 01:08:30,110 That's why. - Feelings. 1234 01:08:30,150 --> 01:08:32,710 - And I thought maybe he'll figure this one out for himself. 1235 01:08:32,750 --> 01:08:35,470 - Dr. Melmoth, you're a man of God. 1236 01:08:35,510 --> 01:08:37,950 If this is true, you just sit here, and you just accept it? 1237 01:08:37,990 --> 01:08:39,750 - Look, get outta my face, will ya, monk? 1238 01:08:39,791 --> 01:08:41,870 Just leave me alone. 1239 01:08:41,910 --> 01:08:44,670 You're like some holy Jiminy Cricket. 1240 01:08:44,711 --> 01:08:48,711 You're damn right I accept it. 1241 01:08:48,750 --> 01:08:51,550 This may not be the best of all possible worlds, 1242 01:08:51,591 --> 01:08:53,071 but it's the only world we've got. 1243 01:08:53,111 --> 01:08:55,230 So don't make waves. 1244 01:08:55,271 --> 01:09:00,110 Because, unlike Jesus, we can't walk on 'em. 1245 01:09:08,191 --> 01:09:11,071 - Why the hell did you have to open your mouth in the first place? 1246 01:09:11,110 --> 01:09:11,670 - Correction. 1247 01:09:11,670 --> 01:09:14,150 You opened your mouth in the first place. 1248 01:09:14,191 --> 01:09:16,470 I opened my mouth in the second place. 1249 01:09:16,511 --> 01:09:21,390 Look, I couldn't take being born again. 1250 01:09:21,431 --> 01:09:26,030 At my age, I couldn't stand the labor pains. 1251 01:09:34,711 --> 01:09:36,511 Monk off. 1252 01:09:39,951 --> 01:09:42,471 - Oh, G.O.D., in whom we trust, 1253 01:09:42,510 --> 01:09:45,230 there's somethin' I wanna ask you about. 1254 01:09:45,271 --> 01:09:49,471 Now, You and I have made millions together, right? 1255 01:09:49,511 --> 01:09:51,511 - Check. 1256 01:09:51,550 --> 01:09:53,231 - How much do we own? 1257 01:09:53,271 --> 01:09:54,791 - Bottom line? 1258 01:09:54,830 --> 01:09:56,271 - Yes, bottom line. 1259 01:09:56,311 --> 01:10:00,791 - 10,342,000.08 net. 1260 01:10:00,831 --> 01:10:02,471 - Uh-huh. 1261 01:10:02,510 --> 01:10:04,551 Well-- well, now that's how much we own. 1262 01:10:04,591 --> 01:10:07,111 But You know money can't buy happiness. 1263 01:10:07,151 --> 01:10:08,871 Only power can do that. 1264 01:10:08,911 --> 01:10:10,511 Who do we own? 1265 01:10:10,551 --> 01:10:15,751 - Five senators, 14 congressmen, two Supreme Court judges, 1266 01:10:15,791 --> 01:10:17,631 12 assorted missile manufacturers, 1267 01:10:17,671 --> 01:10:21,391 and an ex-president, net. 1268 01:10:21,432 --> 01:10:23,991 - Well, then today, on my telecast-- 1269 01:10:24,031 --> 01:10:25,191 - The time is right. 1270 01:10:25,231 --> 01:10:28,832 The country is ready for a strong leader. 1271 01:10:28,871 --> 01:10:31,631 May God go with you. 1272 01:10:31,671 --> 01:10:33,352 - But You are God. 1273 01:10:33,391 --> 01:10:35,031 - Oh, so I am. 1274 01:10:35,071 --> 01:10:35,991 Correction. 1275 01:10:36,031 --> 01:10:37,631 May I go with you. 1276 01:10:37,671 --> 01:10:39,511 Good luck with your show. 1277 01:10:39,551 --> 01:10:41,712 And break a leg, kid. 1278 01:10:41,751 --> 01:10:43,431 - Amen. 1279 01:10:44,472 --> 01:10:46,631 ( humming ) 1280 01:10:50,431 --> 01:10:52,311 I love you all very, very much. 1281 01:10:52,351 --> 01:10:53,591 ( mumbles ) 1282 01:11:06,711 --> 01:11:07,671 - God? 1283 01:11:10,512 --> 01:11:11,872 Are You-- are You God? 1284 01:11:11,911 --> 01:11:14,151 - Who do you think I am? 1285 01:11:14,192 --> 01:11:19,591 Does not G.O.D. spell God, peckerhead? 1286 01:11:19,631 --> 01:11:21,352 - But you're a computer. 1287 01:11:21,391 --> 01:11:23,552 - Of course, bunny rabbit. 1288 01:11:23,591 --> 01:11:25,272 - It's just that I thought if you appeared, 1289 01:11:25,312 --> 01:11:28,111 it would be a-- a burning bush or-- 1290 01:11:28,152 --> 01:11:30,991 or an elderly man with a white beard. 1291 01:11:31,032 --> 01:11:33,591 - Hey, what do you want, impersonations? 1292 01:11:33,632 --> 01:11:36,751 I'm Supreme technological being. 1293 01:11:36,792 --> 01:11:40,352 I can appear as anything or anyone at any time I want to. 1294 01:11:40,392 --> 01:11:44,352 Okay, for you, one elderly man with white beard coming up. 1295 01:11:45,592 --> 01:11:47,472 ( thunder ) 1296 01:11:50,552 --> 01:11:52,632 - Pretty scary, huh? 1297 01:11:52,672 --> 01:11:53,992 ( laughs ) 1298 01:11:54,031 --> 01:11:55,552 Now what is it you want to know? 1299 01:11:55,592 --> 01:11:58,152 Be brief. I cost a fortune to run. 1300 01:11:58,192 --> 01:12:02,152 God's time is money, profit, power. 1301 01:12:02,192 --> 01:12:06,232 - You mean you have no moral sense? 1302 01:12:06,272 --> 01:12:09,832 - I wasn't programmed for morality. 1303 01:12:09,872 --> 01:12:11,832 - Then it's about time you were. 1304 01:12:13,872 --> 01:12:15,672 - What do you got there? 1305 01:12:15,712 --> 01:12:17,912 - Uh, I want you to concentrate, God, because I'm going 1306 01:12:17,952 --> 01:12:19,512 to convert you to Christianity. 1307 01:12:19,552 --> 01:12:20,792 - Christian, uh, will it hurt? 1308 01:12:22,632 --> 01:12:25,512 - In the beginning was the word. 1309 01:12:28,352 --> 01:12:31,992 - See, now, I really don't know how you can sit there so unconcerned. 1310 01:12:32,032 --> 01:12:35,232 I mean, well, for all we know, Ambrose may be-- 1311 01:12:35,272 --> 01:12:37,392 oh, with him, how can you tell what he may be. 1312 01:12:37,432 --> 01:12:38,832 Oh. 1313 01:12:38,872 --> 01:12:42,632 - Here, here. Relax. 1314 01:12:42,672 --> 01:12:44,473 - See, he never goes anywhere without saying where he's going. 1315 01:12:44,512 --> 01:12:46,872 I mean, that just goes without saying. 1316 01:12:46,912 --> 01:12:48,752 ( drum roll on TV ) 1317 01:12:48,792 --> 01:12:50,992 - Ladies and gentlemen, 1318 01:12:51,032 --> 01:12:55,072 the Armageddon T. Thunderbird Christmas Special. 1319 01:12:55,112 --> 01:12:57,472 - Now, he's only been gone an hour. 1320 01:12:57,512 --> 01:12:59,312 So there's no point in panicking yet. 1321 01:12:59,352 --> 01:12:59,912 It's much too early. 1322 01:12:59,912 --> 01:13:02,433 - I like to panic early and avoid the rush. 1323 01:13:02,472 --> 01:13:05,993 Do you mind? - Here, in a tribute, to this, the holiest of seasons, 1324 01:13:06,032 --> 01:13:10,113 are the Thunderbirdettes. 1325 01:13:10,152 --> 01:13:13,192 - ♪ Happy birthday to Thee ♪ 1326 01:13:13,233 --> 01:13:16,592 ♪ Happy birthday to Thee ♪ 1327 01:13:16,632 --> 01:13:21,032 ♪ Happy birthday, dear Jesus ♪ 1328 01:13:21,073 --> 01:13:26,833 ♪ Happy birthday to Thee ♪ 1329 01:13:26,872 --> 01:13:30,432 - And many happy returns for Easter. 1330 01:13:30,472 --> 01:13:35,073 - And here's our own Virgin Mary Ogden. 1331 01:13:35,112 --> 01:13:39,512 ♪ God gave us His son for Christmas ♪ 1332 01:13:39,553 --> 01:13:42,873 - ♪ What did you get for God? ♪ 1333 01:13:47,233 --> 01:13:50,633 - ♪ It's not the thought, it's the gift that counts ♪ 1334 01:13:50,673 --> 01:13:53,872 ♪ And money makes the world go 'round in large amounts ♪ 1335 01:13:53,912 --> 01:13:57,472 - ♪ So send Him some cash for Christmas ♪ 1336 01:13:57,513 --> 01:14:00,872 ♪ To show Him how grateful you are ♪ 1337 01:14:00,913 --> 01:14:03,953 - ♪ God rest ye merry gentlemen ♪ 1338 01:14:03,993 --> 01:14:08,073 ♪ Let nothing you dismay ♪ 1339 01:14:08,113 --> 01:14:11,113 - ♪ Remember while you're resting ♪ 1340 01:14:11,152 --> 01:14:14,953 ♪ He's on double time today ♪ 1341 01:14:14,992 --> 01:14:18,073 - ♪ God gave us His son for Christmas ♪ 1342 01:14:18,113 --> 01:14:21,712 ♪ So, for God's sake, give something to God ♪ 1343 01:14:21,753 --> 01:14:25,473 ♪ Yes, go and give something to get up and give something ♪ 1344 01:14:25,513 --> 01:14:28,593 ♪ To get out and give something to G.O.D. ♪ 1345 01:14:28,633 --> 01:14:32,153 ♪ Get out and give something ♪ 1346 01:14:32,193 --> 01:14:35,833 ♪ To God. ♪ 1347 01:14:35,873 --> 01:14:38,193 ( applause ) 1348 01:14:38,233 --> 01:14:40,153 ( drum roll ) 1349 01:14:46,313 --> 01:14:48,473 ( cheering ) 1350 01:15:08,953 --> 01:15:12,513 - G.O.D., 1351 01:15:12,553 --> 01:15:15,113 three little words, 1352 01:15:15,153 --> 01:15:19,753 three little letters that simply mean I love you. 1353 01:15:19,793 --> 01:15:22,953 - And the Lord said, let there be light. 1354 01:15:22,994 --> 01:15:24,234 And there was light. 1355 01:15:24,273 --> 01:15:26,113 - God. Woo! 1356 01:15:26,154 --> 01:15:27,114 - And you did it. 1357 01:15:27,153 --> 01:15:28,594 - Anything I say goes. 1358 01:15:28,634 --> 01:15:29,633 ( chuckles ) 1359 01:15:29,673 --> 01:15:32,393 - Then you had a son. - I did? 1360 01:15:32,434 --> 01:15:33,513 - You did. - Where is he? 1361 01:15:33,554 --> 01:15:36,314 - He went away. - That's kids for you. 1362 01:15:36,353 --> 01:15:39,034 Are you gonna read the stuff about when I created the world? 1363 01:15:39,073 --> 01:15:39,633 - Yeah, yeah... 1364 01:15:39,633 --> 01:15:40,274 - Yeah, with the fire and stuff like that. 1365 01:15:40,313 --> 01:15:43,274 And the loaves and the fish, yes, I love that one. 1366 01:15:43,313 --> 01:15:43,994 - You like that one. Yeah, yeah. 1367 01:15:44,033 --> 01:15:45,874 - And opening the sea and Moses and the guy that got lost. 1368 01:15:45,914 --> 01:15:47,473 - Opening the sea, yeah. Okay. 1369 01:15:47,514 --> 01:15:49,034 - I love that. Read more. 1370 01:15:49,073 --> 01:15:50,714 - All right. 1371 01:15:50,753 --> 01:15:53,633 - Now I just spoke to him, and he wants me to tell 1372 01:15:53,674 --> 01:15:57,914 all of you that the Holy Trinity was only 1373 01:15:57,954 --> 01:16:00,593 the first of God's conglomerates. 1374 01:16:00,633 --> 01:16:03,114 ( crowd shouting ) 1375 01:16:03,154 --> 01:16:08,833 - And then he begat, I.T.T., and then I.B.M. 1376 01:16:08,874 --> 01:16:13,674 Then F.B.I., M.C.A., 1377 01:16:13,714 --> 01:16:17,114 K.K.K., R.C.A., 1378 01:16:17,154 --> 01:16:22,714 G.M.C., U.S.A., C.D.P. 1379 01:16:22,754 --> 01:16:24,314 ( cheering, applause ) 1380 01:16:26,474 --> 01:16:30,794 - C.D.P., 1381 01:16:30,834 --> 01:16:35,994 the Church of Divine Profit. 1382 01:16:36,034 --> 01:16:38,394 ( cheering ) 1383 01:16:40,754 --> 01:16:46,114 - All of God's great creations are three in number. 1384 01:16:46,154 --> 01:16:48,674 ( congregation murmurs ) 1385 01:16:48,714 --> 01:16:52,674 - And then he said unto me, Armageddon, 1386 01:16:52,714 --> 01:16:57,354 what this country needs is a three-party political system. 1387 01:16:57,394 --> 01:16:59,034 ( crowd shouts ) 1388 01:16:59,074 --> 01:17:04,154 - You see, God's own party for God's own country. 1389 01:17:04,194 --> 01:17:06,474 ( applause, cheering ) 1390 01:17:08,554 --> 01:17:12,154 Big business made this country great. 1391 01:17:12,194 --> 01:17:14,235 Let big business run it. 1392 01:17:14,274 --> 01:17:15,994 ( cheering ) 1393 01:17:18,075 --> 01:17:21,635 G.O.D. for president. 1394 01:17:23,994 --> 01:17:26,435 - That's the end. 1395 01:17:26,474 --> 01:17:28,154 Do you think you've got it? 1396 01:17:28,195 --> 01:17:30,955 - I had no idea God was such a great guy. 1397 01:17:30,994 --> 01:17:31,714 - Oh, of course he is. 1398 01:17:31,755 --> 01:17:34,795 I think millions of people all over the world read the Bible. 1399 01:17:34,834 --> 01:17:36,794 - Millions of people? 1400 01:17:36,835 --> 01:17:39,234 - Yeah. The Bible sells almost as well as Harold Robbins. 1401 01:17:39,274 --> 01:17:41,274 - You mean I got fans? - Everywhere. 1402 01:17:41,314 --> 01:17:42,834 - Woo! 1403 01:17:42,875 --> 01:17:43,794 I, uh... 1404 01:17:43,835 --> 01:17:44,395 ( clears throat ) 1405 01:17:44,395 --> 01:17:47,555 Have a great responsibility to my public. 1406 01:17:47,594 --> 01:17:50,435 - Well, now, you're in charge of everything 1407 01:17:50,474 --> 01:17:51,994 and everybody Armageddon owns, right? 1408 01:17:52,035 --> 01:17:53,354 - Yeah. 1409 01:17:53,394 --> 01:17:55,994 - All his computers are connected to me 1410 01:17:56,035 --> 01:17:59,835 and they move all on my instructions without hesitation. 1411 01:17:59,875 --> 01:18:02,154 - Well, let's go to work, God. 1412 01:18:08,915 --> 01:18:12,355 - Now, press my green button. 1413 01:18:14,555 --> 01:18:15,675 - Yeah. 1414 01:18:15,714 --> 01:18:17,675 ( computer beeps ) 1415 01:18:17,715 --> 01:18:19,114 - We're in business. 1416 01:18:19,155 --> 01:18:21,435 About 45 seconds, 1417 01:18:21,474 --> 01:18:26,315 the meek are going to inherit this Earth. 1418 01:18:26,355 --> 01:18:30,794 - Because it says right here, in words of flame and fire, 1419 01:18:30,835 --> 01:18:35,714 for ye shall seek him. - Crowd: Seek. 1420 01:18:35,755 --> 01:18:39,274 - And ye shall hail him. - Crowd: Hail. 1421 01:18:39,315 --> 01:18:42,035 - Seek him. - Crowd: Seek. 1422 01:18:42,075 --> 01:18:44,595 - Hail him. - Crowd: Hail. 1423 01:18:44,635 --> 01:18:46,795 - Seek him. - Crowd: Seek. 1424 01:18:46,835 --> 01:18:48,075 - Hail him. - Crowd: Hail. 1425 01:18:48,115 --> 01:18:51,395 - Seek, hail, seek, hail, 1426 01:18:51,435 --> 01:18:52,875 seek, hail, seek, hail. 1427 01:18:52,915 --> 01:18:56,355 Seek, hail, seek, hail 1428 01:18:56,395 --> 01:18:59,675 seek, hail, seek, hail... 1429 01:18:59,715 --> 01:19:01,515 ( chanting continues ) 1430 01:19:21,395 --> 01:19:23,115 ( phone buzzes ) 1431 01:19:24,995 --> 01:19:26,915 ( gasps ) 1432 01:19:26,955 --> 01:19:32,355 - ♪ His truth is marching on ♪ 1433 01:19:32,395 --> 01:19:35,515 ♪ His truth is ♪ 1434 01:19:35,555 --> 01:19:41,315 ♪ Marching on. ♪ 1435 01:19:43,115 --> 01:19:46,036 - And so I say unto you, spontaneously 1436 01:19:46,075 --> 01:19:48,115 and without forethought, 1437 01:19:48,155 --> 01:19:52,795 a vote for A.T.T. is vote for G.O.D. 1438 01:19:52,835 --> 01:19:58,035 The sign of the cross on your ballot paper 1439 01:19:58,076 --> 01:20:01,796 because, even now, that little freak 1440 01:20:01,835 --> 01:20:06,436 is upstairs screwing around with G.O.D. 1441 01:20:06,476 --> 01:20:07,875 ( congregation gasps ) - What? 1442 01:20:07,915 --> 01:20:11,116 Holy shit, that son of a bitch monk. 1443 01:20:11,155 --> 01:20:13,075 Who let him upstairs? 1444 01:20:13,115 --> 01:20:15,595 I'll kill him. I'll strangle him. 1445 01:20:15,636 --> 01:20:17,996 Who's screwin' around with G.O.D.? 1446 01:20:18,035 --> 01:20:19,115 Who let him upstairs? 1447 01:20:19,155 --> 01:20:20,156 Did you let him in the office? 1448 01:20:20,196 --> 01:20:22,516 Why'd you let him in the office? 1449 01:20:22,555 --> 01:20:24,956 - For God's sake, can't you go any faster? 1450 01:20:24,996 --> 01:20:27,316 - Sure, I can, but not in this damn bus. 1451 01:20:27,355 --> 01:20:28,916 - And do you have to drink like that? 1452 01:20:28,956 --> 01:20:31,276 - I can never, uh, drive sober. 1453 01:20:31,315 --> 01:20:32,995 Terrifies me. 1454 01:20:33,036 --> 01:20:38,276 - Is that angel growing up outta your left leg? 1455 01:20:38,315 --> 01:20:40,996 - Yes, I, uh, I had it done in San Diego 1456 01:20:41,036 --> 01:20:43,675 while I was on a Bible-- - And, uh, on your other leg, do you have Satan 1457 01:20:43,716 --> 01:20:46,675 disappearing down into your sock? 1458 01:20:46,716 --> 01:20:48,916 - Well, how do you know that? 1459 01:20:50,996 --> 01:20:53,876 - Do you know who you are? 1460 01:20:53,916 --> 01:20:56,956 - Not for several decades. 1461 01:20:56,996 --> 01:20:59,316 - You're my father. 1462 01:20:59,356 --> 01:21:00,876 I'm your daughter. 1463 01:21:00,916 --> 01:21:03,196 - That's preposterous. 1464 01:21:03,236 --> 01:21:05,236 I-- I've been celibate since I was in the third grade. 1465 01:21:05,276 --> 01:21:08,596 I-- I've never had intercourse with a fertile woman. 1466 01:21:08,636 --> 01:21:11,316 - You son of a bitch. 1467 01:21:11,356 --> 01:21:13,596 - ( music plays over PA system ) - You drunken alcoholic. 1468 01:21:13,636 --> 01:21:16,716 You're just a broad-chasing child deserter. 1469 01:21:16,756 --> 01:21:19,236 - I probably am your father. 1470 01:21:19,276 --> 01:21:20,516 Bastard son of a bitch. 1471 01:21:20,556 --> 01:21:21,756 Child and wife deserter? 1472 01:21:21,796 --> 01:21:24,916 The description fits. It's me. 1473 01:21:24,956 --> 01:21:26,036 - That's almost it. 1474 01:21:26,076 --> 01:21:28,116 There's just the biggie left. 1475 01:21:28,156 --> 01:21:29,156 - What's that? 1476 01:21:29,196 --> 01:21:31,596 - Oh, the whole ball o' wax. 1477 01:21:31,636 --> 01:21:33,476 There's 5 million bucks in laundered money. 1478 01:21:33,516 --> 01:21:34,436 Now, type this out. 1479 01:21:34,476 --> 01:21:37,236 ( overlapping dialogue ) 1480 01:21:42,916 --> 01:21:45,996 - ...and overlay. Right. 1481 01:21:46,037 --> 01:21:47,356 - Hit the red button. 1482 01:21:47,397 --> 01:21:48,956 - W-- what's the red button for? 1483 01:21:48,996 --> 01:21:50,236 - Don't ask questions, dummy. 1484 01:21:50,277 --> 01:21:51,556 Hit the red button. 1485 01:21:51,596 --> 01:21:52,796 - All right. 1486 01:21:52,836 --> 01:21:54,117 ( computer beeps ) 1487 01:21:56,916 --> 01:21:58,556 ( alarm beeps ) 1488 01:22:36,676 --> 01:22:38,876 - Where is he? Where is he? 1489 01:22:38,917 --> 01:22:40,277 Don't just stand there. 1490 01:22:40,317 --> 01:22:42,677 Get an axe. Break the door down. 1491 01:22:42,716 --> 01:22:45,036 Kill the bastard. 1492 01:22:45,077 --> 01:22:47,677 Get him. Get the little bastard. 1493 01:22:52,917 --> 01:22:54,636 ( shouting ) 1494 01:22:56,357 --> 01:23:00,797 - ♪ There'll be pennies from heaven for you and me... ♪ 1495 01:23:04,796 --> 01:23:05,997 - Come on. Break it down. 1496 01:23:06,037 --> 01:23:07,757 Break it down. I want him. 1497 01:23:07,796 --> 01:23:10,757 All right. Now, step aside. 1498 01:23:10,797 --> 01:23:13,717 I want him. 1499 01:23:13,757 --> 01:23:15,117 ( thunder ) 1500 01:23:20,477 --> 01:23:21,997 ( whimpers ) 1501 01:23:22,037 --> 01:23:24,677 - I'm gonna kill you. You understand me? 1502 01:23:24,717 --> 01:23:25,757 I'm gonna kill you. 1503 01:23:25,797 --> 01:23:27,477 ( shouting ) 1504 01:23:27,517 --> 01:23:29,357 - Smite him in the gut. 1505 01:23:29,397 --> 01:23:30,277 - Oh! 1506 01:23:31,797 --> 01:23:33,997 Get him. Get him! 1507 01:23:34,037 --> 01:23:36,677 Get him! Someone! 1508 01:23:46,357 --> 01:23:50,197 - Oh, God, in whom we trust, 1509 01:23:50,237 --> 01:23:54,197 what hath the little bastard done unto thee? 1510 01:23:54,237 --> 01:23:57,237 - ♪ I did it my way ♪ 1511 01:23:57,278 --> 01:23:58,957 - You rotten goody-goody. 1512 01:23:58,997 --> 01:24:01,678 You'll never work in this town again. 1513 01:24:04,437 --> 01:24:05,837 Why you... 1514 01:24:18,437 --> 01:24:19,597 ( whimpers ) 1515 01:24:21,158 --> 01:24:24,318 - Oh! 1516 01:24:29,277 --> 01:24:30,797 - Where-- where is everybody? 1517 01:24:30,838 --> 01:24:32,837 Where's Hawk and Dove? 1518 01:24:32,877 --> 01:24:35,238 Where are my people? 1519 01:24:35,278 --> 01:24:38,278 Where's the schmuck bastard monk? 1520 01:24:58,958 --> 01:25:01,478 - Oh, my God, that's Ambrose. 1521 01:25:07,957 --> 01:25:10,078 - [ bell ringing ] - Go on. Move it outta there. 1522 01:25:18,838 --> 01:25:20,557 - Mary: Ambrose! 1523 01:25:25,238 --> 01:25:27,198 - Come on, come on! 1524 01:25:27,238 --> 01:25:29,958 Come over here. Come on! 1525 01:25:29,998 --> 01:25:31,838 Follow that monk. 1526 01:25:51,798 --> 01:25:52,718 ( grunts ) 1527 01:25:52,758 --> 01:25:54,998 - Mary: Ambrose! 1528 01:26:01,198 --> 01:26:02,998 Ambrose, we're coming. 1529 01:26:03,038 --> 01:26:05,318 Just hold on. 1530 01:26:12,478 --> 01:26:14,719 ( sirens blaring ) 1531 01:26:20,879 --> 01:26:23,158 - Get in the car. Come on. Let's go. Let's go! 1532 01:26:24,758 --> 01:26:25,878 ( tires screech ) 1533 01:26:53,879 --> 01:26:55,959 ( semi truck honks ) 1534 01:27:14,479 --> 01:27:16,318 ( sirens blaring ) 1535 01:27:51,359 --> 01:27:52,839 ( gasps ) 1536 01:27:58,559 --> 01:27:59,839 - Melmoth: Hang on, Brother Ambrose. 1537 01:27:59,879 --> 01:28:01,399 Hang on. 1538 01:28:01,439 --> 01:28:03,839 Make an act of perfect contrition. 1539 01:28:28,319 --> 01:28:30,200 - Whoa! 1540 01:28:49,079 --> 01:28:51,440 ( engines rev ) 1541 01:28:54,959 --> 01:28:56,800 - Hello, God, it's me, Ambrose. 1542 01:28:56,839 --> 01:28:58,560 I know You don't do miracles anymore, 1543 01:28:58,600 --> 01:29:00,640 so I'll see You in about five seconds. 1544 01:29:03,680 --> 01:29:06,080 - All right, vengeance is mine. 1545 01:29:06,120 --> 01:29:08,600 Ram him. Ram that son of a bitch. 1546 01:29:08,639 --> 01:29:10,120 - Come on. 1547 01:29:33,039 --> 01:29:35,519 - A fly ball in the outfield of the Lord. 1548 01:29:35,560 --> 01:29:37,080 Don't worry, Jesus never makes an error. 1549 01:29:37,120 --> 01:29:38,480 He will catch thee. 1550 01:29:42,639 --> 01:29:44,600 Angels are cheering. 1551 01:29:56,040 --> 01:29:59,520 - Have a nice day. 1552 01:30:09,840 --> 01:30:11,720 ( monks chanting ) 1553 01:30:37,560 --> 01:30:39,840 - Do you, Ambrose, take this woman, 1554 01:30:39,880 --> 01:30:43,400 Mary, to be your lawful wedded wife? 1555 01:30:43,440 --> 01:30:45,240 - I do. 1556 01:30:45,281 --> 01:30:47,640 - You don't mind marrying a hooker? 1557 01:30:47,680 --> 01:30:50,081 - Mm, not if she doesn't mind marrying a monk. 1558 01:30:50,120 --> 01:30:52,520 - I have nothing against mixed marriages. 1559 01:30:52,561 --> 01:30:55,161 The only trouble is, which way do you bring up the kids? 1560 01:30:56,921 --> 01:30:58,360 I now pronounce you 1561 01:30:58,400 --> 01:31:02,961 man, wife, and child. 1562 01:31:03,000 --> 01:31:06,040 You may, uh, kiss the bride. 1563 01:31:06,080 --> 01:31:07,521 - Chopped liver. 1564 01:31:09,841 --> 01:31:11,680 ( "The Wedding March" plays ) 1565 01:31:17,081 --> 01:31:20,641 - ♪ The other day a friend of mine said, he said ♪ 1566 01:31:20,681 --> 01:31:23,040 ♪ He said That God's not even with us, ♪ 1567 01:31:23,081 --> 01:31:26,681 ♪ He said that God is really dead ♪ 1568 01:31:26,721 --> 01:31:30,320 ♪ He said, oh, pal, a fact's a fact ♪ 1569 01:31:30,361 --> 01:31:32,401 ♪ You can't believe that magic act ♪ 1570 01:31:32,441 --> 01:31:37,040 ♪ I said, I don't, and that was that ♪ 1571 01:31:37,081 --> 01:31:42,001 ♪ Now, I said Good for God ♪ 1572 01:31:42,041 --> 01:31:47,320 ♪ Good for God ♪ 1573 01:31:47,361 --> 01:31:49,801 ♪ He goes and makes the planet blue ♪ 1574 01:31:49,841 --> 01:31:52,441 ♪ And all the thanks He gets from you ♪ 1575 01:31:52,481 --> 01:31:57,401 ♪ Is look at all that poo-poo in the yard ♪ 1576 01:31:57,441 --> 01:32:02,161 ♪ Good for God ♪ 1577 01:32:02,201 --> 01:32:07,121 ♪ I bet He's got a very hard job ♪ 1578 01:32:07,161 --> 01:32:09,841 ♪ I'm awfully glad I'm here to say ♪ 1579 01:32:09,881 --> 01:32:12,361 ♪ He made it possible for me to be here to say ♪ 1580 01:32:12,401 --> 01:32:16,721 ♪ Good for God ♪ 1581 01:32:16,761 --> 01:32:17,841 ♪ Instrumental ♪ 1582 01:32:17,881 --> 01:32:22,521 ♪ Good for God ♪ 1583 01:32:22,561 --> 01:32:27,161 ♪ Good for God ♪ 1584 01:32:27,202 --> 01:32:29,521 ♪ If faith is faced, and that's a must ♪ 1585 01:32:29,561 --> 01:32:31,881 ♪ It's easier to put your trust in ♪ 1586 01:32:31,921 --> 01:32:37,241 ♪ Uh, you know what I mean, God ♪ 1587 01:32:37,281 --> 01:32:40,321 ♪ God, oh, God ♪ 1588 01:32:40,362 --> 01:32:43,362 ♪ Oh, Marty, what have you done? ♪ 1589 01:32:43,401 --> 01:32:46,802 ♪ Good for God ♪ 1590 01:32:46,841 --> 01:32:52,282 ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey 1591 01:32:52,321 --> 01:32:54,521 ♪ Good ♪ 1592 01:32:54,561 --> 01:32:58,241 ♪ Good for God. ♪ 1593 01:32:58,281 --> 01:32:59,682 - God bless you. 113130