Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ I bet we've been together for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la. ♪

- Hey, guys. -Hi, Alex. - Hi, Alex. -Hi, honey.

Hey, Mom, what are you doing?

Taxes. Got an extension... They have to be in next week.

Let's see, that's, uh...

that's, um...

What?

Uh, it's nothing. It's nothing, Mom.

It's... this is... this is cute.

This... it's very cute.

It's fine. Just go ahead.

Alex, I think Mom is perfectly capable

of doing the family taxes.

Thank you, Jennifer.

I appreciate the words of support.

Now, why isn't Alex doing 'em, like he usually does?

Well, Alex isn't always going to be here.

Besides, I should be able to do this stuff.

Your father can't help because he's got a deadline to meet...

He has to finish his new documentary on Leo Tolstoy.

Well, what happened to the one he was doing before?

Exotic Pet Stores...

How Much Is That Armadillo in the Window?

He's blocked on that.

So he switched, and I get to do the taxes.

What? Mom, look, you don't understand.

This is America,

and in America, Americans don't just sit

and "do their taxes."

They go to H&R Block or, uh...

or me.

Well, Alex, I don't have to go anywhere.

Our taxes aren't that complicated.

No, Mom, what I'm telling you is that you are being offered

the services of Keaton... & Keaton.

Alex, because this is America, I support and benefit from

many of the government programs our taxes pay for.

So I am not interested

in the Keaton & Keaton "insidious loophole" approach.

Take your hands off Andy's ears.

All right.

A good citizen pays all of his or her taxes.

But at Keaton & Keaton, no one pays taxes.

I'm sorry, but no, thanks.

All right, Andy, never mind.

Can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Excuse me?

Oh, I'm sorry, I meant a young dog.

A puppy.

Oh, Elyse, I'm really excited about this Tolstoy documentary.

The whole key to it lies in this book...

- What? - War and Peace.

Remember? I was reading this

the night you went into labor with Alex

22 years ago!

Oh!

This week, I'm gonna pick up where I left off.

Oh, Steven, I remember. I remember.

You wanted to name Alex: Sascha Alexei Keatonovich.

It's amazing I grew up so normal.

Don't flatter yourself, Sascha.

- Hi. -Hey, Mal. - Hey, Mal.

- Hi, Daddy. - Well, hi, Mal.

How's your documentary going?

Well, I think it's gonna be great.

Looks like you stripped the library bare.

Lucky for me.

Oh, yeah.

Do you want something?

Well, I was gonna ask you a question, but it can wait.

Oh, Mal, if you've got a question, just ask.

I-I'm sure between the brilliant Mr. Tolstoy and me,

we can come up with an answer.

Can Nick stay here for a week

while his apartment's being painted?

Nyet.

Dad, please? I mean, Nick really has no place else to go.

I think we can do this much for Nick.

Thanks, Dad! I know it's a big favor.

I'm unclear about this... Did I say yes?

Uh, now, look, Mal, um, you've got to explain to Nick

that your father's got a lot of work to do on his documentary

and Nick's really gonna have to keep out of his way.

Oh, yeah, of course, no, you don't have to worry about that.

The Nick I know is a very quiet and private person.

I mean, when we're together, sometimes we...

we completely forget the other person's there.

One of us has to say to the other...

"Hey. I'm here."

That's one hell of a think tank.

Oh, my gosh, I almost forgot!

Oh!

Hey. I'm here.

Hey, guys, what's all that stuff for?

Well, Nick, he's gonna have to sleep on the couch,

so I'm gonna make it comfortable for him.

Hey, wait a minute, could we get a tax deduction for boarders?

'Fraid not, Mom.

See, technically, he's not a boarder.

He's a freeloader.

Alex, would you get up?

Uh... absolutely not.

Fine, fine. Have it your way.

Mal... Mal...

How's it coming with the taxes, honey?

Needn't concern yourself.

Dad, Mom's not taking full advantage

of the new tax laws!

Elyse, I'd listen to the couch.

All right, Alex, that's it!

Just get up!

Jen, help me with those pillows, okay?

No, not that end... Nick always likes

to sleep with his feet pointing north.

How would you know?

How would I know?

Uh... well, Nick told me.

Yes.

Nick's like a compass, see?

And... in fact, if you lay him down

with his feet pointing south, he'll turn completely around.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.

Mr. Keaton, you really ought to change the blades

in that razor more often.

It's an electric razor, Nick.

Not anymore.

Well, I'm really tired.

I think I'm gonna go hit the sack.

Yeah, me, too.

Hey, listen, can we point him south?

'Cause I want to see him spin completely around.

I'm going up, too. Come on, sweetheart.

Yep, I'm exhausted. Let's go, Mal.

I'll be up in a little while, Dad.

No rush. We'll wait.

- Good night, Nick. - Night.

Elyse, I'm not too thrilled

with the sleeping arrangements here.

We've been sleeping in the same bed for 20 years.

Not us.

Please, Steven, don't be ridiculous.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Now, can we go to bed?

All right, I'm sorry.

You're right.

We're two mature adults.

We trust our daughter.

We trust this young man.

Let's go to sleep.

Nick, Nick, wake up.

We don't have much time.

My dad's asleep on the landing.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, all right, all right, I'm awake,

- Shh! - I'm awake, I'm awake.

Let's go for it in the kitchen. Come on.

All right!

What exactly is going on in here?

Aw... Mr. K, you've ruined the surprise.

Thank God.

What surprise?

We're gonna make a big breakfast for the whole family.

So...

that's what you were, uh...

doing i-in here?

Yeah. What are you doing here?

Dad?

Oh, Mal! Nick! I...

What a deep sleep I was in.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What am I doing in the kitchen?

I... Oh! I must have been sleepwalking!

Well... good night.

Hey, Mom.

Hmm?

Last chance for some professional tax assistance.

She doesn't need an H&R blockhead.

That's right.

I'm just seconds away from the biggest tax refund

in Keaton history.

Okay, come on, Keogh deduction plan, do your stuff.

Mama needs a new pair of shoes!

How much are we getting back, Mom?

- Minus $3,000. - Oh, my God...

Don't spend it all in one place, Mom.

Wait a minute, I-I can't believe this.

It says we... we owe $3,000.

How could we owe $3,000?

Guess what I got in the mail?

A check for $800.

Alex did my taxes and this is the refund!

$800?

Mallory, that's more than you made.

Alex, will you take a look at this for me, please?

Uh, well, Mom, it looks to me like you've got everything

under control, so I'm just gonna shove off, okay?

Oh, please, honey.

Mom, Mom, don't beg, okay?

You're much better than...

Oh, please, I'll be your best friend.

♪ Oh, what a beautiful morning ♪

♪ Oh, what a beautiful day ♪

♪ I got a beautiful feeling ♪

♪ Everything's going my way. ♪

Hey.

Hey, hey.

Nick, what are you doing here?

Oh, wait... you live here now.

Hey, hey, hey... you know, that was a pretty amusing incident

that happened in the kitchen earlier this morning,

huh, Mr. K? Huh?

Yeah. Glad you enjoyed it, Nick.

Next show at 11:00.

So, I, uh, guess it's just the two of us at home.

Yeah, that's how it looks.

What are we gonna do?

Well, whatever we're gonna do,

I'm just hoping we'll do it in separate rooms.

Well, maybe later.

Right now, you just do what you normally do,

and, uh, I'll do what I do, huh?

Fine. Fine, Nick.

Hey, uh... Uh, Mr. K,

I'm just gonna do a bunch of sit-ups, huh?

And, uh, could you count for me?

Tell me when I get to 100?

Sure thing, Nick. Get started.

What am I up to?

Uh... that's one.

Boy, am I out of shape.

Am I at two yet?

Not yet.

So, uh, what's the big book about, huh?

Uh...

Russia.

Russia. Huh.

So, uh, you just read for the general idea.

Me, too.

Adult's Digest.

Adults digest what?

I guess whatever they eat, huh?

Oh, hey, hey, hey, I don't mean to be disturbing you, huh?

No. No, no, no.

I'll just, uh, get into my own thing here.

"Meet Bill's gallbladder."

"I am a... membranous muscular sac

"in which Bill's bile is stored.

"What is Bill's bile, you ask?

Bile is a yellow or greenish fluid s..."

"secreted by my very close personal friend, Bill's liver."

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, I don't mean to be bothering you, all right?

I'll, uh... I'll just get into my own thing here, all right?

Yeah.

Nick!

What-what are you doing?!

Who? Me?

Oh! Look!

Why, a little fairy must've brought you a cup of tea.

♪ Tea! ♪

Mal, can I talk to you about something for a minute?

Sure, honey.

Have you noticed a slight tension in this house

between me and your dad?

No more than usual.

It's starting to make me think that maybe I shouldn't

be staying here. Maybe I should go downtown

and stay at the Hi-De-Ho "Hote."

No, honey, you mean the Hi-De-Ho Hotel.

The "L" burnt out, remember?

Oh. Oh.

I just thought they changed the name.

Anyway, I just think it'd be better for everybody

if I just left.

No, honey, we all love having you here.

No, it's rather obvious that your father doesn't.

But, honey, he never liked you.

Yeah, I know, you know?

But it's just starting to get to me.

I mean, everybody likes me, you know?

Except for maybe my uncle Louie, all right?

When I was eight years old,

I accidentally burnt down his garage.

However, his wife, Aunt Louie...

she loves me.

Anyway, I'm a good guy, you know?

Your father should like me.

Well, Nick, maybe if you stopped whining

about whether or not he likes you and just...

act the way you do around me, he's bound to like you.

You think I ought to kiss him?

Hi.

Listen, sometimes it just takes a while with my dad.

Just be patient.

Oh! Look who's here. It's my dad.

Dad, Nick; Nick, Dad. Bye.

Hey, Mr. Keaton.

Oh. Oh, gosh.

Hello, Nick.

So, uh,

- how's that Russian thing coming, huh? - Yeah, well...

Fine, Nick, thanks. Thanks.

Hey, uh, you know how to make a White Russian?

- It's one part vod... - Oh, thank-thanks, Nick.

I-I'm sure I'll be able to work that in here somewhere.

You know how to make Russian dressing?

Yes, I do, Nick.

Good, good... I mean, you'll be able to slip that right in

after the White Russian part, you know? I mean...

we're just rolling right along here, huh?

Nick...

- if you don't mind. - Oh, hey, I understand.

Oh, here. Let me get those for... Oh.

Nick! Please!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to help.

I don't need you to help me with this, Nick.

Okay, Mr. Keaton.

You don't need me to help you with nothing, huh?

Nick, please.

I have work to do.

You know, you've never really given me a chance.

A chance for what?

A chance to show you who I really am.

I mean, from the minute you met me,

you always thought I was this dumb guy

with no future who's no good for your daughter.

And now four years later, you think I'm this dumb guy

with no future who's no good for your daughter.

Nick, that's not true.

I don't think you're dumb.

Yeah, but you don't think I'm any good for your daughter.

Look, if Mal wants to talk to me,

tell her she can find me down at the Hi-De-Ho Hote.

Elyse, I've been up all night... up all night thinking.

I need your opinion.

Okay.

I've always been nice to Nick, haven't I?

Are you crazy?

No, I'm serious.

Come on, Steven, from the moment Nick set foot in this house,

you were determined not to like him.

Well, so were you.

Yeah, well, I came around, though.

I learned to like him; I talked to him...

got to know the real Nick,

the true Nick, the inner Nick.

Aw.

Steven, once you get to know him,

he's really a wonderful guy.

He's very good-hearted, he's sensitive,

he's-he's good-looking, he's caring.

Actually, he reminds me a lot of you.

What?!

Oh, no, no. Just think about it.

Do you remember the first time you came to my parents' house?

You-you had this headband on, and the real long hair

and-and your ripped jeans.

God, you scared my mother half to death.

My father thought you were Cher.

Look, Elyse, I know what you're getting at here,

but it's a completely different situation.

When I was Nick's age, I was goal-oriented.

I-I had a career in mind. I had a college degree.

That may be true, but there is something

you have in common with Nick.

It's the way that you loved and cared for me

when you were a young man... It's-it's the same way

that-that Nick loves and cares for Mallory now.

That's a real rare thing to find.

Dad, I hope you're happy,

making Nick stay at the Hi-De-Ho Hotel.

You don't understand the impact you have on Nick.

And he really cares a lot what you think of him.

You know, Nick is one of the sweetest guys I know.

I mean, I'd do anything to have a boyfriend like him.

Jennifer, go stand in the corner.

- Oh, um... - Hi.

Uh, I just came by to pick up my toothbrush.

I'll get it.

Nick, come in. Uh...

make yourself at home.

What is this, a trap?

No, no, I, uh...

I think we need to talk.

I, uh...

I realize I made things pretty unpleasant for you

these last few days.

Years.

When I first met you, you didn't strike me

as the sort of young man I wanted for my daughter.

And now?

Well...

when you say "now," do you mean right now?

Look, uh...

Mr. Keaton, sit down.

You know, I know I am not exactly the kind of guy

you wished your daughter had fallen in love with.

But I got to tell you, uh, you know, uh...

I'm really happy being me.

I like me.

I would go out and buy me a Coke.

But if you don't like me

and if you're never gonna like me,

I mean, hey, that's the way it's got to be, you know?

But I love your daughter,

and I want to be with her for the rest of my life.

And I want you to know

that I am gonna take excellent care of her.

I know you will, Nick.

And, listen... about whether I'm ever

gonna like you or not...

I like you right now.

You have respect for yourself.

You have respect...

for my daughter.

I admire that in a man.

Hey.

Thanks, Dad.

I knew I shouldn't have said anything.

Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.