Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la. ♪

Hey!

- Hey, Lauren, come on in! - Hi.

Long time, no see.

Hey, Lauren. How was your psychology conference?

It was great, except for

I really missed Alex. Is he around?

No. -No.

I haven't seen him. I haven't seen him.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Maybe he's with that other girl!

- Andrew! - Don't know what you're talking about.

You mean Marty.

Oh, he's told you about her.

Sure, he told me he was tutoring her.

- Oh, he is! - Oh, yeah, yeah, purely business.

- Business relationship, yeah. - He's tutoring her.

Hey.

Oh, look who's home!

- Hey, honey. - Hi, honey.

Hi.

So, did you miss me?

Yeah, sure, I did; sure, I did. You miss me?

Well, sure.

But I did get kind of friendly with a man at the conference

who suffered from wide mood swings.

See, he even signed my Freud anthology.

"Dear Lauren, it was nice to meet you.

P.S. I can't stand you."

Uh, what do you want to do?

You want, you want to go get a bite, something like that?

No, let's just sit and talk.

After all, it's been two weeks.

You know, I think that's the longest we've ever gone

without seeing each other.

Yeah, well, not-not-not including

the 20 years before we met.

Alex, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm just, I'm like really tired.

Well, if you're tired, then I'll just see you tomorrow.

Lauren, wait a minute.

What?

We've always said that we were gonna be completely honest

with each other about everything.

Alex, what is it?

This girl that I've been tutoring, you know,

from my economics class?

Marty?

Yeah.

Well, we've been spending

a lot of time together lately.

And I would be lying to you if I, if I,

if I didn't say that I was thinking about her a lot.

Do you love her?

I don't, I don't know.

I mean, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know,

I don't know, I don't know what I feel.

I don't know what I'm thinking.

I don't know anything. I just need a few days, okay?

- Just a little bit of time. - Okay, sure.

Lauren? Lauren? Are you all right?

Of course, I'm okay.

I'm a trained psychologist.

I know how to handle these types of emotions.

- Hi. - Hey, Marty.

Hi. Uh, Cecilia, can I get a yogurt?

You're too skinny, Marty.

Well, I'm not very hungry, and besides,

I'm a little short of cash.

Hey, hey, it's on me.

Oh, no, no... no, no, no, I couldn't, really.

Don't worry about it. I'm loaded.

Besides, most of it's your money.

Oh, well, then I'll have a meatball sub, in that case,

and some soup, a large salad, uh, the yogurt, some milk,

and-and some Twinkies.

Thanks.

What, are you going into hibernation later today?

Alex, we need to talk,

so I'm gonna go... I'll go get us a table.

Yeah, all right.

Hi.

Hi. Lauren! Hi.

Cecilia, can I get a yogurt, please?

Sure. I'll put it on Alex's tab.

Alex, I think we need to talk.

I'll get us a table, okay?

I don't believe this.

This is like a bad episode of Love, American Style.

- Alex. - Alex.

Hey, there.

Let's see, you had the yogurt...

and you had the yogurt, the meatball hero,

the soup, the milk and the Twinkies.

Well, if that'll be all for you ladies...

Alex, what's going on?

Marty Brodie, this is Lauren Miller.

You okay?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

My doctor says I'm not getting enough calcium

in my, in my nose.

I think I should go.

No, look, look, I got a better idea, okay?

Why don't I go?

Alex, don't worry, you can stay, because I'm leaving.

Wait, Lauren, listen.

Come on. Come on.

You haven't even finished your yogurt.

I just decided I'm not hungry.

Oh, my God.

I paid $1.20 for this.

Oh, Alex, this is terrible.

I really, I feel horrible.

I cannot stay here... Oh!

Alex, I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm really hungry.

Did you ever see Fatal Attraction?

Hi, Mallory.

Hey, Alex. Feel like catching a movie?

No, thanks. I'm not really in the mood tonight.

Well, we're running late. Come on, let's go.

- Bye-bye, Alex. - See you later.

Uh, Alex, you okay?

Oh, yeah, Dad, I'm fine.

Just a little distracted lately

with this whole Marty-Lauren thing.

Well, look, I'd be more than willing to miss this movie

so we can stay and talk.

I'm not really up for it.

Besides, I got to stay here

and work on my valedictory speech for graduation.

I can't get a handle on it.

Well, you let me know.

- I'll be around. - Thanks.

I'm gonna need some quotations to kick this thing off.

Let's see what we got here.

Shakespeare...

Bunch of pretentious guys in tights...

talking to skulls.

Better than my speech.

Lauren's Freud book:

Narcissism: An Introduction.

Nah, I think too much of myself to read that.

Jean-Paul Sartre.

You know, maybe Jennifer's right.

Maybe life is absurd.

Of course it is!

You think I was just trying to sell some books?

Jean-Paul, don't take it personally.

I'm just a little skeptical about this existentialism stuff.

Oh, really? Look at your life.

If that isn't absurd, I'll buy you a ribs dinner.

Jean-Paul, you're wrong.

His life is not absurd.

Thank you, Dr. Freud.

He is just highly sexually repressed.

Jean-Paul, Sigmund, please, I got a problem

I'm trying to work out here.

I have an emotional attachment to two women.

It can't be worked out.

Alex, don't you see? Love is an impossibility.

It's nothing more than an attempt

to justify one's own existence

by possessing another in a futile gesture

at warding off the bleakness of death.

And you wonder why you don't get invited to more parties.

You're wrong, Jean-Paul.

Love does exist.

Yeah, back me up on this, will ya, Shakespeare?

Uh, Bill?

May I call you "Bill"?

Please.

As I wrote in Hamlet, about love...

"Doubt the stars are fire,

"doubt that the sun doth move,

"doubt truth to be a liar,

but never doubt my love."

How do we really know you wrote those plays?

Guys, guys, guys, come on.

Look, we're getting nowhere fast here.

You're supposed to be

three of the greatest minds in history.

You can't help me out?

The truth is, Alex,

we don't know more about this than anyone else.

In the end, we're all just poor players

strutting and fretting our hours upon the stage.

It's true.

When it comes to love,

as my friend Camus once said,

"It can burn, or it can last,

but it can't do both."

God, that's depressing.

I want it to do both.

Hmph! Don't we all?

That's why people are so unhappy.

Well, I'm not unhappy.

I would be if I was wearing that outfit.

Alex...

all I can say is...

to thine own self be true.

And remember, you must take responsibility

for your own choices in this life.

Talk to your dad.

I should have gone to the movies.

Oh, Marty...

look at you at that piano.

You look so right sitting there.

So joyous, so full of life.

You look like me filling out the new 1040 short form.

There's so much I like about you.

Of all the basic applied economic principles

of capitalism in the post- industrial-era seminars

in the world, you had to walk into mine.

This is crazy.

This can't work.

I'm probably gonna go get a job on Wall Street.

You've got two whole years of college ahead of you.

So even though I know this is gonna hurt you,

we got to stop kidding ourselves.

We've got to bring this thing to an end.

I'll never forget the time we spent together.

The way you hold your knife,

the way you sip your tea,

the way you changed my life...

Oh, no, they can't take that away from me.

Hey, hey, don't stop.

I-I have to. It's-it's the end of the song.

I'm just, I'm here practicing for the ceremony.

I've gotta, I've gotta practice the old "Pomp and Circumstance."

Oh, yeah? How's it going?

Well, I've got the pomp down, it's-it's the circumstance

that's giving me a little trouble.

We got to talk about this, Marty.

Yeah, I know, Alex.

I-I've been thinking, and, uh,

you know, even though I know this is gonna hurt you,

I-I think that we've got to stop kidding ourselves

and we've got to end this.

After everything we've been through?

Alex, really, the last thing I want to do is break your heart.

Aah! Aah!

Aah! It's a little late for that now, isn't it?

Alex...

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please.

Can I just have a minute to be alone with my thoughts?

I hope he doesn't start to cry.

I'm not crying.

There's something in my eye.

Excuse me?

There's something in my eye.

Do you want a tissue?

Marty, Professor Heller needs you to look over

the arrangement for the processional.

Well, I have to go.

Yeah, I know you do.

Good-bye, Mr. Keaton.

Bye, Miss Brodie.

Oh, Lauren.

Two years... such a long time.

And there's been a lot of good times in those two years.

Remember the first time we met?

In that little psychology lab?

It was really love.

You were so beautiful.

Well, you are so beautiful.

I'm not so bad myself.

I don't know what happened to us.

But whatever it is,

I've got to admit my true feelings.

And be honest with you.

And I know it's probably gonna crush you.

And yet you seem to be handling it pretty well.

I just have to be honest with her.

Just tell her that she's a wonderful,

decent, intelligent,

unique individual.

And that we're not in love anymore.

Lauren.

Hi, Alex.

Uh, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure.

Excuse us.

Lauren, I got to be honest with you.

I have to be honest with you, too.

Alex, you're a wonderful,

intelligent, decent,

honest,

unique individual.

But we're not in love anymore.

Nobody lets me get a word in edgewise.

Alex, the last couple of days have been torture for me.

I've been trying to think:

what did I do to make you stop loving me?

Was it something I said or was it something I did or...?

Was it that I was just trying too hard?

And then I realized it was nothing I did,

and nothing you did...

it just happened.

And it's wrong for me to try to be something that I'm not.

The same goes for you, Alex.

You're an obsessive person.

You don't love many things, but the things you love,

you really love.

And either you love me or you don't.

Boy, you really know me.

I do.

And I know myself.

And I got to admit something to you.

The other day when Marty was giving a recital

at Delaware Hall, I went and...

I just wanted to see what the attraction was.

I also brought some

rotten tomatoes, just in case.

I sat there listening and I...

I saw she-she's a real artist.

She's kind of bohemian, and...

she's very exotic.

And I can't compete with that.

- Lauren, you don't have to. - Oh, I'm not.

I'm not... I know who I am and I like myself.

I'm intelligent, I'm attractive.

And I'm a good person.

But I'm not her.

And I'm not gonna make believe that I can be.

I'm gonna go on with my life and find someone

who loves me just as much as I love him.

Whatever happens...

I just want you to know that I can't be happy

unless I know that you're happy.

I really like you.

And, um, we had a lot

of great times together.

I want you to know that part of who I am...

I mean one of the best parts... Is what you gave me.

You gave me a lot, too, Alex.

I really love to tell you that I hope you and Marty make

a great couple, but, um, I really can't.

Yeah, well...

uh, the crazy thing is...

Marty and I aren't gonna be seeing each other either.

Why not?

I think I got to take some time to be with myself.

You know, I'll go to New York

and, uh, get a job on Wall Street.

Try and meet Leona Helmsley.

Good luck, Alex.

Thanks, Lauren.

What next?

Huh?

Locusts?

Boils?

Democrats in '92?

Am I interrupting anything?

Mommy, my gown doesn't fit.

It's okay.

Your hat's no bargain either.

Let's-let's fix this.

This is just like when you were a little boy.

Couldn't get yourself dressed then either.

You'd come out of your room with your shirt buttoned

the wrong way, and your pants on backwards.

Although always with a tie.

You'd come into the kitchen, I'd say,

"Alex, did you even look at yourself in the mirror?"

And I'd say, "I couldn't... Mallory took it to school."

What I wouldn't give to be eight years old again.

Well, you're still dressing about the same.

There.

Well, let's get this hat for you, okay, um...

You know, moms were a good idea.

Thank you.

I mean, no matter what else is happening,

no matter what anybody else is... doing...

you're just always there for me.

Well, we'll see.

Okay.

Let's try this.

Yeah, right.

Front.

Hey!

Hey, great, you did it.

You know, Mom, you could give up architecture

and go into tailoring.

Mom?

Hey, Mom, I'm only kidding, you know.

You're a wonderful architect.

Oh, no, it's not that.

I just can't believe my little boy's graduating.

You look very handsome.

Yeah, well...

It's a good thing...

'cause inside, I don't feel too terrific.

Been a tough couple of weeks for you, hasn't it, honey?

The worst.

Well, you know, if you were eight years old again,

I'd just kiss your boo-boo and make it better.

But you're an adult now and that's, uh,

that's a little more complex.

I say we give it a shot.

I love you so much, honey.

Hey, you guys, come on, break it up.

You got to sit down, graduation's starting.

Well, can you give us a minute?

We were just discussing the meaning of life.

Oh, that's easy.

Be happy, try not to hurt other people

and hope that you fall in love.

It sounds good to me.

Me, too.

Considering the source, that's truly frightening.

Well...

So this is it...

College is finally over.

Fortunately, it ends on a real high note for me.

Broke up with two wonderful women on the same day.

I don't know, maybe Jen really is right.

Maybe life is absurd.

Still, it has its moments.

Even the painful ones.

Lauren...

this was a tough day for both of us.

Still I don't regret

one single moment we had together.

And Marty,

even if I never see you ever again,

you'll always be a beautiful, wonderful memory.

You know, Jen,

your pal Jean-Paul Sartre once said,

"Hell...

is other people."

Well, anybody who's seen

a few game shows knows what he means.

But I think he's only half-right.

Because Heaven...

is other people, too.

I mean, after all, when you get right down to it,

we are all we've got.

And no matter how much we may argue or fight

or hurt one another,

in the end, we just keep running back

for more because we're human.

And for some strange, unexplainable reason,

we need each other.

And maybe that's the only real wisdom

any of us will ever have.

That...

and the words of another very great philosopher

who just happens to be my sister Mallory,

I quote:

"The meaning of life is to be happy,

"try not to hurt other people

and hope you fall in love."

It's ironic.

After all these years of learning, Mallory teaches me

the most important lesson of all.

Boy, life is funny sometimes, isn't it?

So now I present to you the valedictorian

of the class of 1989,

Alex P. Keaton.

Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.