Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ I bet we've been together for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la. ♪

Oh, morning, Jen. How about some breakfast?

What's the point of breakfast?

Or any meal, or anything, for that matter?

I mean, after all, life is basically a series

of-of random, absurd, unrelated events

not linked in any logical pattern,

existing in a complete void that mocks our attempts

to impose order and meaning upon it.

In that case, can I have your bagel?

When did all this occur to you?

Ever since my advanced literature class

started its unit on existentialism.

What's existentialism?

He's so young.

Andy, an existentialist

is someone who likes to take their clothes off in public.

Existentialism is a belief

that there is no real grand design to life

and consequently, no real meaning.

Still, that's no reason for a person

to take their clothes off.

It's a shame you're too depressed to eat, honey.

Got some wonderful corn muffins here.

Delicious, yummy, yummy muffins.

Somebody's favorite.

Mom, they do look good,

but-but "while others live to eat,

I eat to live."

Socrates.

"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day."

Cap'n Crunch.

- Hey. - Hi.

- How you doing? - Good.

- Hi, Lauren. - Hey, Lauren.

Hi.

Hey, cut it out! We're trying to eat here!

I'm sorry, Andy.

It's just that Alex and I

aren't gonna see each other for a few weeks.

I'm going to a psychology conference in Detroit.

Oh, well, why don't you take him along as an exhibit?

Lauren, I know how you feel.

I mean, the only way you could keep me

away from Nick for a couple of weeks

would be to lock me in my room.

Forget it, Steven.

Hey, Alex, just because Lauren's gonna be away for a while

doesn't mean you're gonna be spending

more time at home, does it?

I-I got plenty to do.

I start teaching today.

Freshman seminar on campus.

Basic applied economic principles

of capitalism in the postindustrial era.

Boy, let's hope they have festival seating for that one.

You know, actually, uh, teaching this class

is gonna fulfill all

of my requirements for my degree.

Then it's on to graduation.

Boy, how time does fly.

Next year at this time, Mallory will be graduating.

Yeah, hopefully.

What was that?

Happily. Happily.

I'll be graduating happily.

Wait, graduation at Grant College

should be a pretty impressive ceremony.

Who's the guest speaker gonna be?

Soupy Sales?

Very funny, Alex.

They have no plans to invite him back.

Well, I guess I'll see you guys later.

Take good care of Alex for me.

Sure you don't want to take him with you?

It's tempting.

See this, Jen? See this?

How could life be absurd when a woman like this

can't tear herself from my side?

You just proved my point.

Now, you may ask,

and, uh, rightfully so, what is economics?

Well, let's go to the dictionary.

The word "economics" derives from the Greek oikonamus,

meaning a manager of estates' or households' moneys.

Well, the word money itself derives from the Greek moneta,

or the Latin moola.

Well, let's go now to our history books.

Excuse me, miss.

Me?

Uh, yeah, you.

Do you have any idea what time it is?

Uh, well, I've got 6:38.

I got 11:05.

Oh, I think you're right.

Find a seat right there, please.

Now, as I was saying, if you go to the history books,

you'll see that money was not always used

as a method of transaction.

Excuse me.

Uh, sorry.

- That was me. - Ah.

Actually, it wasn't me.

It was, uh, Wolfgang Hensel

singing Die Zauberflöte.

Well, miss, just-just do me a favor

and just keep it down.

Okay.

I'm really sorry.

Now, as I was saying, in ancient times,

the barter system was in place

and livestock were often used

instead of money as a means of exchange.

Now, eventually, the practice was dropped.

For one thing, barter is an imprecise method of transaction.

For another thing, it's hard to fit a goat in your wallet.

Yeah, okay, settle down, people.

But seriously, folks, barter was, uh...

it was a terrible system.

Uh, now, in the fourth century, the coinage of...

Oh, boy. All right. Okay.

That's okay.

Are you all right?

I'm fine, really.

Thank you.

All right, okay, everybody.

That's, uh... that's enough for today.

I'm gonna let you go early so you can, uh,

read the first four chapters of your textbook,

If You're Rich and You Know It, Clap Your Hands.

All right.

Thank you very much.

I-I'm really sorry for interrupting the class.

I-I really enjoyed your lecture.

Yeah, I could tell.

I thought your joke was funny, too.

No kidding? You know, I-I got a million of them.

Um, you ever hear the one, uh, about the quarter

that asked the dollar bill out for a date?

It was... the quar... the-the dollar bill says,

"Wait a minute, you know, this isn't gonna work.

"Uh, it won't be an equal relationship.

For one thing, I'm four times bigger than you."

And-and then the quarter says...

I'm sorry.

Then the quarter says,

"That's okay.

I'll bring three friends."

Wait, maybe I didn't tell it right.

No, it's not you. It's not.

It's just... although that's a horrible joke.

Yeah, my girlfriend doesn't like it, either.

Neither does my mom.

Or my sisters.

I don't know, maybe it's...

you know, it's just not a girl's joke.

Although my dad hates it, too.

It's just a really bad joke.

Look, look, I've got to go.

Oh, here. You all right?

Look...

I'm really sorry.

Um, just, I-I've been having a...

really bad week here.

Um, Saturday I broke up with my boyfriend,

and yesterday I... someone stole my bicycle,

and today all my cat's hair fell out.

Excuse me?

Her name is Fluffy.

I'll have to change it now.

Uh, listen, um, miss...

Miss Marty.

Uh, Brody. Marty.

Marty Brody is my...

Look, I've taken up enough of your time

just trying to say my name.

Thank you for being...

Thank you for...

You know, you're so considerate and, uh...

Next time, I-I promise, no... no interruptions.

Just, uh, one more interruption.

Are you... are you available for tutoring?

Uh, tutoring?

Well, I-I don't know, miss.

Uh, I've got, you know, my own classes to contend with,

and I got, you know, lectures to prepare.

I'll pay you 15 bucks an hour.

Wednesday work for you?

Wednesday is fine.

Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wednesday's my...

Wednesday's my orchestra rehearsal.

What about... what about Thursday?

Uh, Thursday? Thursday is my seminar

on foreclosing on the elderly.

Orchestra... what, are you... you're a music major?

Oh, see, that's what I wanted to... to talk to you about.

You see, with... with all my rehearsals

and lessons and theory classes,

I-I'm just not gonna have much time for economics.

Which... well, even if I had time for it,

I don't... I don't like it very much,

but then who does, you know?

Right. You do.

Anyway, um, how's tomorrow?

Tomorrow? Tomorrow actually is good.

Oh, great.

Oh, great, oh...

Oh, I-I've got to run.

It's 6:38.

I... Oh.

What just happened?

Coming.

- Hi. - Hi.

So, you, uh... you ready for your tutoring?

Come on in.

Thanks.

I guess we should get to work.

Um, follow me.

All right, um...

Uh, okay.

Here we go.

Miss Brody!

I'm scared!

Uh, just take a left at the sustain pedal.

Listen, I want to thank you for being so sensitive

in-in class yesterday.

Oh, it's all right. It's, uh...

it's a teacher's job to be sensitive.

So how's Fluffy?

Oh, not so good.

It looks like she fell into a tub of Nair.

I think she's in for a slow mating season.

Well, we all know that feeling.

Is there something wrong?

I mean, Fluffy didn't lose any more hair, did she?

Oh, no, no, no, she's-she's right there.

Aah!

You should put a hat on that thing.

I'm a little nervous about this tutoring stuff.

- Why? - I don't know.

I-I'm just not very good with formal academic study.

I-I... Sometimes I just don't feel comfortable

unless I'm sitting at a piano.

You are sitting at a piano.

You're right.

I wish I could play.

Have you ever tried?

Me? No, forget about it.

No, I am the most unmusical person in the world.

Oh, well, no, here, I-I can teach you.

Really, really, sit.

Just name a song you want to learn.

This is not gonna work.

No, no, it'll be great. Come on, come on.

Do you know the Bush campaign jingle?

No. But... well, let-let's try this.

Gershwin? Ger... I love Gershwin!

Great. Now you try it.

It was perfect.

Tr-Try again.

I'm good at this!

Never had a lesson.

Yes!

Yes!

Yes, you did it. You did it.

Yeah, we've got our act together.

We should take it on the road.

Uh, Miss Brody... Marty...

you play beautifully.

Well, uh, w-we should get to work, Alex.

- Uh... - Yeah, uh, yeah.

We should, uh... we should... we should get to work.

Uh, just go slow till I get the hang of it.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Hey, don't worry.

You know, you're gonna love this.

You're gonna love this.

Uh, now, if we turn to page one of our textbook,

we'll see that economics relies on the principles

of production and... distribution.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

I'll see you guys later.

Oh, where are you going, Jen?

Uh, I'm going down to the bookstore

to get some more material for my existentialism class.

Listen, Jen, while you're there,

pick me up a copy of Tummy Tuck Tips.

It's by Cher.

Uh, Jen, Jen, don't you think you're going a little overboard

with this, uh, existentialism stuff?

I just want to find out the meaning of life.

Well, did you ever think of asking your parents?

Okay.

What's the meaning of life?

Elyse?

Why do you do this to me?

Because you're there. I...

What are you so threatened by, Dad?

Is it because, deep down, you're worried

that there's no real meaning to life?

That it's all just a tale told by an idiot,

full of sound and fury, signifying nothing?

And that when we die, we're...

we're condemned to spend eternity

in a vast, infinite expanse of nonexistence,

confronting what Camus called

"the benign indifference of the universe"?

♪ Gray skies are gonna clear up ♪

♪ Put on a happy face ♪

♪ Dust off those clouds and cheer up... ♪

Dad, that is a ridiculous and inane rebuttal

that only proves my point

about the meaninglessness of the universe!

Jen, cheer up or you're grounded for the rest of your life.

♪ The sun'll come out tomorrow ♪

♪ Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow ♪

♪ There'll be sun ♪

♪ But it'll be shining on an empty meaningless world. ♪

♪ Kids, what's the matter with kids today? ♪

Something wrong, Alex?

Oh, no.

I'm fine.

All right, Alex, what is it?

What? What do you mean?

Come on, Alex, any time you want to speak to me

about something that's hard for you to talk about,

you sit and sigh until I drag it out of you.

No, I do not.

All right, Alex, come on.

All right, okay.

This is very difficult for me to talk about.

Don't worry. I'll help you along.

- I'm confused. - About Marty.

Because...

Although it's the last thing in the world you wanted,

you find yourself attracted to her.

And...

You started to develop certain feelings for her

that, uh, you can't control.

But...

You have a deep, meaningful relationship with Lauren.

Which...

You wouldn't want to harm in any way.

So you're confused, tense and worried.

Thank you, Mal.

You're a good listener.

Alex, it's easy to tell that you've liked Marty

for the past week.

You've spent every minute with her.

Oh, Mal, that was... business.

I mean, I've been tutoring the girl.

Oh, come on, Alex, if anyone tutored me that much,

I'd make the dean's list.

Mal, nobody could tutor anybody that much.

This is stupid! I mean, this is ridiculous.

Lauren and I have been seeing each other

for a year and a half.

We love each other very much.

I mean, Marty, Marty's a terrific girl,

and I'm sure, if I wasn't seeing somebody else,

you know, we might possibly be good for each other.

But... but-but I am.

So, uh... so that is that.

You sure?

Absolutely. I'm telling you, you know,

this emotional stuff is overrated.

A little rational, logical thought

and everything is resolved.

Well, I'm glad you sorted that out.

Okay, don't forget, Thursday, we start our unit

on squeezing relatives out of the family business.

Hey, uh... hey, you.

Hey.

You know, um, uh, Cleo Laine is giving a concert

at the Newing Auditorium.

Hey, no kidding?

No.

Who's Cleo Laine?

Uh, well, she's one

of the greatest, uh, jazz singers in the world.

I-I saw her... I saw her do Porgy and Bess on Broadway.

It gave me... it gave me the chills.

Really? I-I saw Porgy and Bess.

It was performed by the Leland Heights PTA.

Thelma Feinstein as Bess.

Gave me the hives.

Well, I'm sure Mr. Feinstein enjoyed it.

Oh, absolutely. Well, he was Porgy.

Here, here, here, listen to this.

♪ Embrace me ♪

♪ My sweet embraceable you ♪

She's giving a performance tonight,

and-and I've got two tickets.

♪ Embrace me ♪

Do you want to go?

Actually, uh, Lauren's coming back tonight, so...

♪ My irreplaceable you... ♪

Oh.

Well, that's-that's... that's fine.

Uh, listen, Marty, we got to talk about this.

No, no, no, that's okay.

Um, I'm just gonna... I'm gonna go have my legs waxed. See you.

Look, we-we can't keep avoiding it!

Look, let's just forget this whole thing, okay?

I-I can't believe any of this.

How do you think I feel?

I don't know how you feel.

I guess that's the problem, isn't it?

Look, it's not my fault that we've developed

an attraction to each other.

Oh, we've developed an attraction to each other?

My God!

My God, you are so conceited!

What-what... what makes you think

that I'm... that I'm attracted to you?

What, what, because we spend a few days together? Big deal.

And don't forget, I've been paying for you all along, right?

You're a... you're a kept man.

Well, I never.

I mean, is that all I've been to you... just a guy?

You know, good for a few laughs

and a few nights of cheap tutoring?

Well, they weren't all that cheap.

Weren't all that cheap, huh?

All right, why don't I give you your money back, all right?

Let me see. Seven lessons at-at $15 a shot.

- That's $105. - Thank you.

Minus expenses.

What expenses?

What expen...?

How about that pizza I bought Wednesday night?

And-and... and my gas money going to and from your dorm?

And-and who bought that damn toupee for Fluffy?

And this.

What is this?

Open it.

Alex, Alex, that's...

It's beautiful.

Yeah, it was on sale.

I don't know what to say.

I have this incredible urge to kiss you.

Should I?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, I've got a class soon, and it's already 6:38.

♪ My sweet ♪

♪ Embraceable... ♪

♪ You... ♪

Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.