Original subtitles

oh, i see you're a full-fat girl.

your, uh, milk. - Oh. - You're not the type thatgoes for that

nonfat crap. - yeah, good eye.

i... (clears throat) also tend to order

a full rack of beef ribs, should they happen to be on the menu.

(giggles) is that your way of hinting you'd like to do a barbecue

on our second date? 'cause i know a great place. i-if we go on another date,

it'll technically be our first date,

because this is a pre-date. it's a pre-date to determine

if we should go on an actual date.

those--those were the terms that we agreed to, remember? because you're still worried

about how joanna's gonna react, you think? oh, no, no. no, no.

joanna and i have talked this out,

and she is fully supportive of this idea.

so you're just not sure if you're attracted to me,

is that it? uh... n-no, no.

attraction is not the issue here.

i-i mean, there is clearly...

so that's good stuff. (chuckles)

(laughs) well, great.

well, it seems to me like all systems are go, so...

um... um... oh, oh... you have to go to the bathroom.

no, i don't. yes. yes, you do.

i'm a mom of five. i can tell these things. but i--

and not going to the bathroom will definitely be considered

a strike against you right now, so, so, so... okay, then.

i'll be, uh, back in a second. okay.

(speaks indistinctly)

ray?

hey, what are you doing here?

um, i-i-i, uh, i just finished my shift at the hospital,

and i wanted to get a little coffee...

(chuckling) by myself. so, hazelnut.

what are you doing here? got em in the truck.

oh. she, uh, she needs her cinnamon bun before soccer practice,

right? she says the, uh, sugar--it makes her kick better. mm.

oh, well, you know, she's loving her coach this year, isn't she?

i'm so glad that you convinced her to stick it out. you look good, kat.

thank you. you... so do you. (chuckling) (chuckling)

i'd love to come out and say hi to em.

maybe i could even come to practice with you,

if you don't mind. no, i think-- i think she'd love that.

that's great.

oh, you gotta be kidding me.

www.addic7ed.com

Eastwick Season 1, Episode 8 "Fizbo"

Sync By YesCool www.addic7ed.com

hello, lady. hey, what's up?

just thought i'd pop by and say hi, see how my buddy's doing.

i had no idea how expensive this stuff is.

i was actually just gonna call you.

can we get together tonight? because there's something

i've been wanting to tell you, but i didn't want to jinx it,

but now i'm like, "screw it." i can't take it anymore.

i got to spill. sounds juicy. spill it now!

oh, no, no. this will require your full attention

and a big box of wine. what do you say,

my place tonight, 7:30? oh, i'm sorry, pen, i can't.

i've got martini night with the girls. oh. oh.

"i'm joanna frankel and i'm gonna

"ditch my best friend to go have martinis with roxie and kat,

and i'm gonna pretend like i'm on 'sex and the city.'" blah!

hey, you wanna join? yes. yes, i do.

Ever since chad died, something new has come over me.

my visions have becom,

they're not disturbing anymore.

they're useful, inspiring,

and i feel like this stuff is actually good--

like, really good. it's like i've been possessed

by thehost of some much better painter.

picass-per the friendly ghost.

never mind. i'll have to work on it.

so what exactly are these visions that keep coming at you?

they're, um...

hey, sorry we're late. penny had to do some hello.

fact-checking so clyde could put a story to bed.

yes, that's newspaper lingo for finishing up a story,

but i guess you guys got that.

penny, welcome. glad you could make it.

thanks. uh, chee. (all) cheers!

wow, your kitchen-- it's so... so rustic.

thanks.

oh, so, kat... yes?

spill it. how was your pre-date with will? oh.

you are not gonna believe this.

i can't believe you really went out with him.

what do you mean? joanna is cool with it.

i am. totally cool with it.

but, i mean, it's will. you love him.

i'm cool with it, i swear. tell us what happened.

um, well, things... things were good.

things were good. (laughs)

until will went to the bathroom, and i ditched him.

(gasps) no! what?

yeah.

oh, no, no. that's crazy tunes.

well, i feel--i feel-- i feel terrible about it.

oh, god, you can't ditch will. i already stood him up

on our date. the poor guy's gonna get a complex.

i know! i left him a long message, apologizing

and explaining to him what happened. ray came in.

i mean, if he knew that i was dating other guys,

it would kill him. so i called will and i told him

that i just wasn't ready to take things further.

well, you can't put your life on hold

just to spare ray's feelings. i know, but i feel like i hurt him so badly.

so i want him to be ready and in a good place

before i start dating openly. so date him privately.

no, no, no. dating privately never works. why not?

because it's a slippery slope from dating privately

to getting used asome guy's secret sex booty call. (laughs)

what do you mean? okay, you know y're getting used if--

"a"--you've never been with him outside the apartment,

or "b"--you've never met his friends and family. well, that's just stupid.

i mean, what if he has no family

and all of his friends live out of town?

if he has no friends in town, he's probably a freak.

okay, wait, i have more examples. (scoffs, under breath) you guys are idiots.

penny. what? i'm... (scoffs) so drunk.

i have a new life plan. it's 2-pronged.

do you guys want to hear it? yeah!

prong one--career. i'm getting proactive about my writing.

i started my blog today. i got four hits already.

one was me. one was me.

i went twice.

(sighs) prong two--dating.

i am through with tortured relationships

and--and unrequited crushes.

from now on, joanna frankel is all about the fun.

i'm gonna dance on tables, i'm gonna let my hair down,

i may even wear my contacts. who knows? it's gonna be crazy.

that is a sad, yet adorable plan. i will drink to that.

me, too. you know, sometimes people don't tell people that they're

dating other people because they're trying to be discreet.

it doesn't necessarily make it some

sordid super secret sex booty call.

(stammers) okay.

penny, are you okay? yeah. shuh-huh. i have to go.

roxie, thank you for the cheap vodka.

i will talk to you later, jo.

(man) that's very...

uh, interesting.

we're looking for something cute, like crabs playing poker.

i'm afraid i don't have anything like that. (door opens)

hi there.

(door creaks)

wow!

w-wow, what? that a good "wow"?

you finally opened up, roxie. it's naked. it's honest.

it's you. so it was a good "wow."

indeed. okay, then. does that mean you're ready to hook me up

with one of your powerful and pretentious

new york art connections? it does not.

you're the one who told me if i could reach

my creative potential, you'd have me sipping cappuccino

with a gallery owner in no time. and i could, but i won't.

you know what? i knew you were all talk.

with a gallery owner in no time. you went on and on about and how i need to reach deeper

and free myself and bare my soul in my art, and i did.

and what do i get in return? nothing.

i bet you don't even have any big new york connections.

i bet the only big thing you've got going

has probably been surgically enhanced.

what's this?

it's a surprise. open it.

"darryl van horne cordially invites you to the art event

"of the season, featuring the promising new artist...

roxie torcoletti"?

you're throwing me a party? and it will be attended by

not only a veritable bevy of wealthy collectors,

but also the most important and powerful gallery owner

in new york city, and her name is greta noa.

and it will be your mission to woo her,

because she can make your career.

okay, i would officially like to retract my statement

implying you have a penis implant.

(laughing) duly noted.

you know, i thought in honor of the occasion,

you might want to wear... this.

(moaning)

what is it?

nothing. it's beautiful.

"pretty woman" fan?

do you recognize the necklace, roxie? maybe.

(gasps) from a vision?

really?

and was i in this vision?

really.

and what were we doing?

i'll guess we'll have to find out tomorrow night.

hi. how you doing today?

fine.

listen, i got an invitation to a party at the lenox mansion.

so?- so, um, i was thinking about going

and trying out my super new fun persona,

and i need a consigliere. you mean a wingman?

nah, that term's so played out. i'm going vintage--consigliere.

so what do you say? um, i say, uh, not a chance in hell,

and why don't you go ask one of your two new best friends,

who, by the way, are ass faces? okay, listen. i'm sorry that it wasn't

so easy breezy with the girls the other night,

but they're really nice people if you just give them a chance.

(door closes) (man coughs)

who's in there? somebody. i don't know.

(sighs)

was that jamie? (gasps) are you two...

are you together?

are you making the love together? (scoffs)

oh, my god! that makes total sense.

that's why you went bonkers last night.

(gasps) you guys are secret lovers,

that's what you are. just like the song!

okay, we're not secret lovers. it is not a booty call.

no one's getting used. it is merely a private relationship.

but why didn't you tell me? i tried to tell you,

but you were kind of preoccupied with your new pals,

and besides, whenever we do hang out, all we talk about is you.

penny, that's not true. oh, please!

it's "the joanna show, costarring penny,"

and you know it. it's always all about

who you're infatuated with, what story you're working on,

you getting fired, your supposed magical powers,

your creepy bond with roxie and kat.

i mean, when was the last time

you ever asked me anything about my life?

exactly. so, no, i'm not gonna be your wingman

or your consigliere or whatever you want to call it.

m through watching you shine.

(scoffs) fine.

good luck with whatever it is that you're calling that.

it's a private relationship. sure it is, secret squirrel.

okay, you can get your 3-hole punch

from somewhere else from now on.

ugh! what was all that about?

she wants me to go to some stupid party

at the lenox mansion. the party for roxie?

how did you know about that?

oh, um, roxie gave me an invitation.

well, are you, um, planning on going?

i think so, yeah.

but it's at the lenox mansion.

darryl van horne is throwing it. i'm well aware of that.

you hate him. but i don't hate roxie.

um, i feel like i should go and support her. oh.

okay. well, were you gonna ask me to go with you?

would you like to go?

yeah. i mean, maybe. i-- do you want me to go?

um... yes.

i would love you to go.

you gonna be okay?

i mean, going to the house of the man who, like...

(clicks teeth) your mom? (chuckles)

i guess i'll just have to deal with that.

why don't you take my photograph?

i don't think i'm cool enough to be at this part

me, either. me, either.

now, what is, uh, what is this drink? it's called a van hornie--

uh, champagne, whiskey and a dash of cayenne pepper.

sounds terrible.

yet tastes delightful.

so, rox, how do you feel?

(sighs) i feel... exposed.

all these people staring at my work, judging it.

not to mention the fact that i think

i'm gonna have sex with darryl tonight.

uh, what? come again?

i had a vision of myself

at this party with darryl in the hallway,

and we were... how was he? any good?

like you've never wondered.

(sighs) well, how do you feel about... this?

half-excited, half-confused, half-nervous and half-pukey.

that's four halves. well, i can't do math right now! i'm too freaked out.

how am i supposed to concentrate on impressing

the fabulous greta noa, when all i can think about is darryl's-- what?

my what?

why are you looking at me like that? like what? nothing. i--nothing.

i'm just chillin'...

like bob dylan. okay.

listen, i'm sorry to break up your little coven,

but, uh, would you mind chilling elsewhere?

greta's here. she's dying to meet you.

(giggling)

don't forget, this is the most powerful gallerina

in all of new york. you wanna make the big time,

you gotta wow her. greta noa, meet roxie torcoletti.

nice necklace. thank you.

your work is gorgeous. it's disarming, lyrical, even.

it reminds me of early frankenthaler.

yeah, i hadn't noticed that, but i think you're right.

are you a fan? uh, uh, i don't know who he is.

she's an abstract expressionist painter,

influenced by hans hofmann.

right! of course. ooh...

whoa, look at me. i-i need another van hornie.

excuse me, brita. uh, greta.

right,ight.

oh, my god! raymond. hey.

i didn't know you were invited to this thing. uh, i, uh...

i wasn't, actually. suzy invited me,

as her, uh, her guest.

oh, it's so nice to meet you.

i've obviously heard so much about you.

(ray and suzy chuckle)

yeah, this is uncomfortable, isn't it?

i'm sorry. i figured you were gonna be here.

i'm sorry. maybe i should've called you first.oh, no, no, no, no.

please, that's not necessary. i told him that, too,

but he was nervous. you know how he gets.

oh, boy, i do. (chuckles)

um, so have you guys been together for a while? not long.

this is our fifth date.

wow, that's.... great. i'm so happy for you.

because, you know, i am dating, too. mm-hmm.

in fact... oh, see? there he is.

see that guy, uh, taking pictures over there?

(ray) you're with him? um, w--uh, well, no.

i mean, we're--we're not here together right now,

but we have gone on a pre-date, and our next date is gonna be

barbecue because i like ribs. (chuckles) i like ribs!

you okay? i'm great. (laughs) you kids have fun now, okay?

don't worry, mum.

darryl van horne is gonna die tonight.

hi.

bitchin' party, huh?

yeah, i don't, um, normally talk to strangers.

i'm normally really shy.

but i've got this new 2-pronged plan

where i'm trying to have more fun.

i saw you guys standing over here and i thought,

hey, they look like fun, so-- wow!

your earlobes are really stretchy. did that hurt?

okay. (chuckles nervously)

wow. if it isn't the girl who was too much fun.

i am. i'm having tons of fun. what are you doing here anyway?

i'm here with jamie. oh! out and about, no more hiding your joy

from your one and only best friend? you mean my best friend that only cares aboutherself?

that one?

hello. uh, joanna, rht?

nice to see you out in public.

(chuckles) well, cheers.

did you get penny a drink?

oh, no. i'm sorry. i didn't.

um, would you like something, darling?

uh, sure. white wine. excuse me.

yeah, he's not your boyfriend.

he just called me "darling."

maybe you didn't hear through all the fun

that you're not having. boyfriends get their ladies drinks when they're at the bar.

it's the law. okay. well, i'm gonna go to the bar

where my boyfriend is,

and you stay here and just "keep on ragin'." okay.

okay.

(sultry voice) hey there, mister.

hi.

wow. that camera looks so professional.

i don't know much about photography,

but maybe you could teach me sometime.

i don't know what you're doing, but it's weird.

yeah. (chuckles)

i'm not the world's most seasoned flirter.

why are you trying to flirt with me

if you don't wanna go out with me?

because i do wanna go out with you. i have a long, rambling message in my voice mail

that clearly states otherwise.

you should delete that. (giggles)

you should delete that from your voice mail.

you should delete that from your mind.

let's just pretend the whole thing didn't happen. but it did happen.

well, maybe you should pretend that i'm one of those girls

who can get away with that kind of kooky behavior.

some girls can. they-- they make scenes in public.

they break up in the rain with mascara running down their faces

and it's all so dramatic, and then the next day,

they show up on the guy's front doorstep

wearing something vaguely see-through

and plant a big kiss on his face and all is forgiven. i don't like those girls.

yeah, me neither, but you do have to admit,

they have a way of getting what they want.

let me think about it.

think away! okay?

imagine me in something see-through if that helps.

not at i even own see-through clothing,

but i'm not opposed to shopping.

um, i am also going to add

a little wiggle to my walk right now,

so feel free to check out my ass.

here i go.

does she hate me? did i blow it?

don't answer that. i know i blew it. roxie--

it's mostly your fault, just so you know.

i'm not great under pressure just to begin with,

and the whole time greta waing

about that frankenstein chick-- it's frankenthaler.

i'm thinking about you know what and i messed up my one chance

to make a great impression on the person who holds

the keys to my career, and i feel like an idiot. what about "you know what"?

it doesn't matter. the point is

i thought i was ready to take my art to the next level,

but obviously i am n all right, roxie, take a deep breath. listen to me.

(inhales deeply) you can do this. you-- okay, breathe out.

(exhales deeply) you are special. it doesn't matter if you don't know

who frankenthaler is. it doesn't matter

if you don't know anything about art.

you don't need to, 'cause you feel it.

it's inside you, and that can't be taught.

now i want you to go out there and you show the wld

what i already know. you really believe in me, don't you?

i do. what if i fail?

you won't.

(gasps)

you know, i have to say, you surprise me.

every time i'm near you, you keep me off-balance.

and i like it.

ah.

i don't know why i'm so nervous. i saw this coming.

(inhales deeply) you saw what coming?

(moans)

ohh.

you really ought to freak out more often.

wow. i feel better.

me, too. shall we go to my room?

not now. i'm finally focused.

i gotta get out there and kick some ass.

thank you, darryl.

for what, exactly?

for making my dream come true.

(sarcastically) oh, excellent. you're here. i'm so relieved.

you look like you could use a couple of ounces

of liquid courage. yodel? what?

yodelmeister-- an alcoholic beverage

that aids in poor decision making.

were you never a freshman in college?

just give me the shot, smart-ass.

(sets glass down) that's good stuff, huh?

not good. it's great.

(sets glass down)

how you like me now? that was impressive.

you must be even more depressed than i thought.

now why would i be depressed? life is good! is it?

yep! i'm all about the fun nowadays.

no, you're not.

yes, i am. look at me. i am the life of this party.

mm...

no, no, no. just accept it.

you're not fun. you're too much all up in your head, like me.

you're a tortured soul, like me.

(scoffs) i am nothing like you.

i... am awesome.

hmm.

yes, penny and i are fighting.

yes, my love life is in the toilet.

yes, you stole my job, and i am unemployed,

but you wanna know something? i took those lemons,

and i started a blog, and it's gonna blow up,

and i'm gonna get a book deal, and i'm gonna go on "oprah."

and you wanna know something else?

i am gonna meet a man tonight. mm!

and he's gonna be a really cool man,

and we're gonna hit it off,

and we're gonna have so much fun. it's gonna rock. sweet!

sweet! yes! it is sweet! so if you don't mind,

you're kinda cramping my style,

and this is my jam.

?/i>

roxanne torcoletti. i believe i made an ass of myself

if front of you earlier? not at all.

you have no idea how refreshing it is to talk to a person

with real vision instead of those art school pretensions. actually, i dropped out of art school.

mm. me, too.

see? we have something in common.

yeah, i got pregnant,

and it was either tuition or baby food.

and i woke up one day and realized i couldn't paint

or sculpt or draw.

basically, my only gift was i knew good art when i saw it.

so i decided to help the people who make good art,

find a new way to survive,

and you were one of those people, roxie torcoletti.

i don't know.

it's like something opened up in me after his death,

and i have to let it out and put it on the canvas,

or it's going to consume me.

it's just all this grief and pain--

i know it sounds morbid, but it's inspired me.

part of me feels bad like i'm exploiting him--

us--but part of me feels like i don't have a choice.

you don't. it's your art.

you're putting your soul up on these canvases,

and people will see that. people will respond to that.

they already have.

that's nice of you to say.

what do you mean, they already have? oh, i thought darryl would have told you.

your show is officially sold out.

every piece here has already been bought. oh... my... god.

and i'm not just being nice, roxie.

i'm passionate about art, but i'm also a businesswoman.

i can sell you. what are you saying?

i'm saying i'd like to represent you,

bring you to new york, introduce you around.

oh. um... wow.

congratulations, roxie torcoletti.

i'm about to make you a very big star.

(clink)

?/i>

(sighs)

wow. you're a great dancer.

oh, you're pretty. what's your name?

guy.

that's so weird, because i was just thinking,

this guy is really cute, and that's your name. called it!

oh, sorry. where are you going? i'm sorry. i'm wiped.

but i thought we were having so much fun.

oh, don't--don't leave yet. hey.

you wanna make out? sorry?

i mean, what i meant is...

you really wanna make out with me.

oh, god. i really do.

?/i>

and right now you wanna take me upstrs, stud.

?/i>

hey, how's it going, superstar?

it's going unbelievable!

greta loves me, and my show sold out!

oh, my god! that's amazing!

does that mean i get to go home and take my shoes off?

because i think my feet are bleeding.

mmm! go. put on slippers. i love you.

i have to go find darryl and thank him for everything.

i'm fancy! bye!

calm.

aah!

calm.

i know you did this. ray...

damn you. come on, suzy.

permissum abbas exuro.

i don't normally do this kind of thing.

neither do i... ever.

(singsong voice) i bet you say that to all the girls.

no, i promise you i don't.

you probably think that i'm really slutty,

but i'm not. i'm kinda going through a tough time right now.

i've actually never slept with a guy in a bathroom before.

i got to third base once in a kitchen,

but that was a really unusual cooking class.

i've--i've never had sex with a woman.

(laughs) come on. i do not believe that you are a virgin.

you are way too cute for that. (laughs) that's not what i said.

(rapping on door) um, could you just give us a minute?

we're a little busy in here! (man, effeminately) guy! guy, i know you're in there!

open up now, or i'm coming in! jean valjean, why is this happening to me?

oh, my god! what the hell is going on in here?

uh, this is a private bathroom.

everett, i can explain everything.

actually, i don't think i can.

i leave you alone for one second to talk to an old colleague,

and then i walk in on "when fairy met sally"? i'm sorry. this is your boyfriend?

i'm his husband. okay, this is not his fault.

and then i walk in on "when fairy met sally"? i hypnotized him with my eyes. i'm sorry. tell me another one, sister.

guy, is this your way of telling me you want a divorce?

no, everett, i love you. she means nothing to me. really? 'cause this isn't the way to show me that.

you're just trng to get back at me

for what happened in cancÚn, aren't you?

?/i>

wait, wait. you're not leaving, are you?

oh, yeah, i'm gonna-- i'm gonna head out.

you were just gonna leave me here?

no, i'm sorry, darling. i'm just--i'm knackered,

and i didn't wanna spoil your fun. no, no. don't try to distract me with cute british words.

i'm just--i'm done with being here tonight. that's it. then why did you even come in the first place?

i mean, you hate darryl van horne more than i do. (lowered voice) would you keep your voice down?

i don't want everybody knowing my business.

jeez, what's going on with you?

no, the question is, what's going on with us?

nothing. i thought we were having a good time.

well, we were. we are, but that doesn't give you the right

to treat me like ass. i mean, you can't just pretend

that i don't exist. i'm not sasquatch. i didn't come to this town to look for a relationship.

i came here to do an important job.

i thought i made that clear, but if i didn't-- you just did.

i...

(voice breaking) and i hope this mascara is waterproof.

(both moaning)

you sure know how to throw a party.

don't i, though?

mmm, i hope you know how grateful i am.

i'm beginning to get a sense of it.

no, seriously, darryl,

this is the nicest thing anybody's ever done for me.

i... i'm blown away, flabbergasted, overwhelmed.

you know, you might want to hang on

to a couple of those adjectives,

'cause we haven't even gotten to the thing i do best yet.

ohh. that is nice. get over here.

mmm. you are gonna love new york.

i already do. mmm.

i have this place downtown.

it's perfect. mm-hmm.

it's right near the gallery.

i'll move right in. no need.

i got you your own pied-?terre.

(chuckles) even better. wait. what? shh.

when? when what?

when did you get me a pied-?terre?

what does it matter?

it matters because greta only met me two hours ago,

and somehow you already managed to find me a place in the city? what is the problem, roxie?

you bought all my paintings, didn't you?

uh-huh.

oh, my god. i am such a fool!

no, you're not a fool.

and you are a jackass. i can't believe this.

i'm doing this for you, roxie.

don't patronize me, darryl. why the hell not?

i'm a patron. you're an artist. that's how it works.

you set all this up just so you could get me in bed.

if you recall, it was you attacked me. what if she hated my art?

i knew she wouldn't. what if she had? what if she does?

would she still be representing me?

so what? that's how people get ahead in the world.

how naive are you? you don't think knowing people helps?

how do you think presidents and senators

and football coaches get their jobs?

connections matter.

honesty and integrity matter, darryl.

the truth matters. the truth?! (laughs)

ugh! i can't believe i have to explain all this to you.

no, you know what? i can believe it. i just can't believe

i was gullible enough to think for one minute

that any of this was real. (sighs)

(sighs)

well, that didn't go well.

no.

hmm. so i guess it's just going to be the two of us...

i guess so.

Thought you were leaving.

oh, um, well, y-you know, the--the line

at the valet station is about a mile long, so i...

so how about that wind, huh?

i know. weird.

i heard... what raymond said to you,

and i hope you know that he's insane.

'cause obviously you didn't have anything to do

with what happened back there.

(laughs) i don't know anything anymore.

my life has been so turned around the past few months.

i can't figure out what i'm doing or why i'm doing it

or even if i am doing it.

although at this point,

i'm pretty sure that i am doing it.

you're losing me.

okay, like with you.

i've been completely schizo with you.

i thought that i didn't wanna go out with you

because i didn't wanna hurt raymond.

i told myself that he wasn't ready,

and i don't wanna push us into the next phase

of this divorce too soon.

turns out i'm the one who's not ready.

what's wrong with that?

well, i'm the one who broke things off with him.

i should be over this by now.

you should be over your marriage of ten years?

i hope not. but see, the--

just because you're the one who broke ings off

doesn't mean that you don't get to mourn the loss, kat.

it's a big deal. i understand that.

you do?

yeah, which is why i'm cool with taking things slow.

hmm. how slow?

baby steps.

(voice breaking) i really-- i don't have the energy

to fight with you right now. i didn't come here to fight.

oh, no. what happened?

nothing. i don't wanna talk about it. (door closes)

look, i know that you think

that i've replaced you with kat and roxie,

but you're still my best friend.

you're the first person that i run to

when things go crazy.

i hate fighting with you. i don't wanna lose you.

i don't know why. i suck. you don't suck.

no, i do. i'm mean and i'm judgy, and boys don't like me.

(scoffs) oh, god. are you crazy? boys love you.

you have a hot british boy all over your action right now.

you were right.

i'm just his secret sex girl.

you know, i was kidding myself to think it could evolve

into anything else. oh, what do i know about relationships?

i suck at them. that's why i've been running around,

trying to be fun, which, by the way, i'm very bad at.

you weren't that bad.

trust me.

he was just gonna leave me at the party.

just leave me there,

like he forgot that i was there,

and then when i yelled at him about it,

he told me that he didn't want people knowing his business.

i'm his business.

(voice breaking) i'm so humiliated.

(sighs) would it make you feel any better

if i told you i slept with a gay guy?

little bit!

(chuckles)

i'll tell you my shame story if you tell me yours.

deal.

(creaks)

(exhales deeply)

why didn't i take you tonight?

you're good.

what the hell?

(sighs)

(exhales deeply) well, darlin',

it's been a while, but i don't think we've dropped a step.

we're every bit as good on dry ld

as we were on that yacht in the maldives.

(moaning)

mmyou think i'm giving myself too much credit?

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