All language subtitles for Columbo.S03E01.1973.Lovely.But.Lethal.720p.BluRay1

Mr. Lang, the phone company
tells me...

that you've only had this
number for a few months,

and that it's a private number.

Someone who mixed up
the ingredients,

falsified the formula...

You're under arrest for murder.

You see, this Mr. Smith has some
sort of formula...

that he's trying to sell.

I found out that they actually use
poisons when they make cosmetics.

Belladonna, aconite.

I need that formula.

Make me an offer.

Beautiful, isn't she?

Every time I go to the bathroom,
there she is.

Next victim, please.

Plasma and sutures ready, nurse?

Oh, shut up, Karl.

Take courage, sir.

Just think how many years
Dr. Frankenstein must've...

spent on his research.

Yes.

But he only made one little monster.

He didn't live in our jungle.

He didn't have to succeed.

He didn't have to...
Oh, never mind, that's enough.

A miracle.

That's all I want.

That's all we've ever wanted.
Right, Your Majesty?

Here's another variation
on the caftan theme,

this one flowing and soft,
in a soft print,

and with its sparkle and
glamour right down the front.

Viveca, darling,
what are you doing here,

peddling false eyelashes, huh?

David, love, where did you get
the new hair piece?

Surely you don't make
anything that clever?

Still my lover, huh?
Now, don't be embarrassed...

because I caught you
at a fashion show.

I used to butter up the designers, too,
when business was bad.

Well, if those girls are wearing
a sample of your new eye shadow,

Lang Cosmetics is in trouble.

My, what a sweet little dress.

Don't waste your ammunition, honey.
My secretary, that's all. Shirley Blaine.

Sorry, love.

Viveca.

Seriously, darling
I've been watching...

Beauty Mark's stocks go down
the last two months. Now...

Well, since I always like
to help a compatriot...

if they seem to be in trouble.

Mr. Lang, why don't you just
go gobble up a pill company?

It isn't surprising, of course.

You haven't hit with a really good
new product since you, uh,

pirated those French lipsticks
two years ago.

Is that where you stole
the silly eye shadow?

I'll always think of you
as the queen of cosmetics.

But if things do get too bad,
if you...

ever do need to get out of
this crazy rollie-coaster business.

Oh, David, you innocent lamb,

are you in for a surprise.

Excuse me, Miss Scott.
I think you dropped your program.

Oh, yes, how silly of me.
Of course I did.

Bye-bye, darling.

I'll send flowers to your funeral.

Voila.

Yes.

The sun. I love the sun.

The Fountain of Youth stuff
I'm not happy with yet.

And Vanish, I threw out.

It sounds too much like
old-fashioned vanishing cream.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Miracle is right.

Because it is a miracle.

Imagine, a harmless cream that can
actually make wrinkles disappear.

It's like alchemy.

It's the dream of the centuries.

It's what women have longed for
since ancient Egypt.

Well, I went ahead and reserved
the network television time.

But our credit's not very good,

so unless we can start mass
production by the end of the month.

Of course we can.

And I want you to be ready
with full-color inserts...

for all the fashion magazines.

Darling, we're going to put them
all out of business.

When David Lang sees the...
I told you...

Your Majesty.

Murch, dear.

Dear, come in.
We were just talking...

Yes, yes.

The fruits of a whole year's labor,
my most sublime accomplishment,

the dream of all mankind,
the dream to save all our skins.

You're wobbling.

Yes, and I have hastened,
my queen,

from a final secret testing
of this elixir,

this masterpiece of
my chemical genius.

Who told you to do any more testing?

What if one of your models talks?

I thought my orders were quite clear.

On the basis of
last week's reports...

Those reports were wrong.

It was a fluke. I jumped the gun.

One little sample that broke down.

I tried combination after
combination since.

This miracle of ours will never be
any more useful for...

concealing wrinkles than axle grease.

I got your note on the back
of the program, dear,

but I really haven't time
to talk right now.

Oh, I... I just thought that...

you might like to see something
that Mr. Lang did today.

Today I could care less
what that devil did.

Not that I'm not grateful for
my little pipeline, you understand.

Is something wrong, Miss Scott?

Acid stomach. What have you made
a photocopy of now?

Oh. A check.

He didn't see me do it, of course,

but Mr. Lang went to the bank and
got that check himself this afternoon.

And then he came back and locked it
in a desk drawer.

I'm happy that David Lang
has $200,000 to give anyone.

Who's Harry Smith, his bookie?

No, that's not his real name.

It's the name of a man who... who's
only been to the office once or twice,

late at night, when nobody
else is there.

Except you, of course.

I appreciate your efforts.

I was only there because Mr. Lang
wanted to trick him.

You see, this Mr. Smith has some sort
of formula that he's trying to sell.

And Mr. Lang asked me to bring in this
older friend of mine and...

Mr. Smith rubbed some of the formula
on... on her skin.

Then when Mr. Smith was gone,
Mr. Lang...

tried to take scrapings from
her cheek to analyze.

Go on.

Yes, but there wasn't any left.

Because whatever there was, I got.

What is that?

Well, on this really old woman...

that Mr. Smith brought with him
the first time...

Watch.

Oh, sweetheart, you've got a smudge
right there by your eye.

I do?

Yes, but I'll... I'll rub it off
for you. Here, come sit down.

That's right. Sit right down.

Now, uh, close your eyes.

You know, that must be cigarette ash.
I smoke much too much, too.

There. Keep your eyes shut.

There.

- Thank you, ma'am.
- You're welcome.

Isn't that incredible?

Wrinkles just disappear,
and it lasts all day.

Oh, Viveca, I don't know
if you can beat him to this...

but you know how anxious I am
to find a better position.

And the thought of a man like
David Lang getting his hands on a...

discovery like this just
makes me sick.

Shirley, tell me one thing.

What does Harry Smith look like?

Well, he... he's...
he's about medium height,

thick brown hair, not more than
35 years old.

Why isn't your husband home yet?

Mrs. Kelly, I do not pay
my lawyers to play squash!

You tell him... Oh, never mind.

So that's where it was.

How did you get in here?

You still keep it in the flower pot.

Well, at least you haven't
forgotten that.

There are a lot of things
I haven't forgotten, darling.

- What are you going to do with that?
- Don't you know?

Peddle it to David Lang
as a sample of your wares?

Don't worry, dear. I'm alone.

Poor old Murchison.

If he only knew. He really did work
a miracle, didn't he?

He had some help.

Sure he did.

Someone who mixed up the ingredients,
falsified the formula, stole it,

and is now going to sell it
to the highest bidder?

Yeah, something like that, I guess.

No. Nothing like that.

Because we're going to
put the thief away.

Are we?

Hello. This is Viveca Scott.

Yes, Scott.
I'm a personal friend of the Chief's.

I want to be put through
to him right away.

Yes, I'll wait.

You still like those, uh,

tequila cocktails with the
organic cactus juice, right?

I've always thought that was
an appropriate drink for you.

What's the matter, love? Are the
police closed tonight for inventory?

You slimy little snake.

Oh, no, Vivi.

I'm your hairy little teddy bear.
Remember me?

What do you want for the jar?

Uh-oh.

You can have the jar.

But, uh, it isn't worth very much
without the formula.

We'll have to negotiate on that.

Where is it?

It's not written down anywhere?

It's mine.

Is it?

You stole it!

Prove it.

Karl, I need that formula.

Our sales are down. We've lost
some exclusive outlets.

And that louse David Lang
is closing in on me.

Miracle. I need Miracle.

Make me an offer.

I never knew you had a sense of humor.

Remember, if we call you
the inventor,

you'll get royalties on the gross.
Say, um...

10% on each unit?

It's not enough, Viveca.

Not nearly enough for a miracle.

What do you want?

You want me?

Uh-Umm.

Darling, we have no problem.

I've always liked you.

It was only a matter of respect.

Frankly, I didn't know
you had it in you.

Are you surprised?

Mmm. But I like it.

I'll bet you do.

Now you know, love, I always like to
mix a little business with pleasure.

The formula is...

What else?

What do you mean, "What else?"

Uh-uh! Now that's no way to
speak to your... new partner.

Partner? Never in a million years!

Well, it's either that or
you go to work for David Lang.

What do you say, babe? It's up to you.

Partner.

You have no idea how long I've
waited for this moment.

Waited and planned. And now...

No thank you, darling.

You're not going to make a sucker out
of me like you did Murchison.

There was a time I'd have
given you anything.

Now, quite frankly,
I wouldn't give you...

Karl?

Karl. Karl.

Morning, Lieutenant.
Would you like to see the corpse?

Uh, no, thanks. No.

I'll just talk to the doctor.

Hey, Lt. Columbo!

Find something in there?

No, my breakfast, that's all.

What time did they get you up
this morning, Sergeant?

About an hour ago, Lieutenant.

A kid looked through the window there
and spotted the body right here,

just after daylight.

What was this guy,
some kind of scientist?

A chemist. He worked for
Beauty Mark Cosmetics.

He must have had two jobs, because
we found these smaller pay stubs...

in the desk there. And I also found
his bank book in there, Lieutenant.

And this magazine I found
over there on the table.

What is that, a microscope?

Yes, sir.

And, oh, Lieutenant,
here's some notes the doctor made.

You know, I haven't seen one of
these things since high school.

And there's a blood stain.

The doc seems to think this will
match up as a murder weapon.

However, I haven't found any prints.

He was hit from behind,
Lieutenant, by a heavy object.

You know, you better be careful.

Feels like there's some broken
glass on the floor.

Apparently they broke a drinking glass.

Anyway, Lieutenant, it's all in here.
He died from a fractured skull.

Excuse me one moment,
would you, Sergeant?

Hey, Lieutenant,
what are you looking for?

Salt for my egg. I usually carry
a shaker in my pocket.

Here, here's salt. That's just flour.

Maybe once, not now.
Something else was in there.

- Oh, yeah.
- What do you think it was?

I have no idea, Lieutenant.

1, 2, 3, 4...
Eight-sided bottom. Octagonal.

Yeah, looks that way, looks octagonal.

Hey, Lieutenant, this just might fit in
with a theory I'm developing.

As you've probably noticed,
this is a hippie neighborhood, right?

And this guy Lessing had a lot of
chemical supplies lying around.

Suppose somebody thought they were
drugs. Or maybe they were drugs.

Because... I want to show
you something, Lieutenant.

He didn't get paid very much
by Beauty Mark.

Lieutenant.

Beautiful, isn't she?

We haven't really checked
on who that is yet, Lieutenant.

- You don't know?
- No.

She is Beauty Mark.

I mean, her real name is
Viveca Scott, but, uh...

Listen, every time I go to the
bathroom, there she is.

I'm... Really.

As long as I can remember,
on every one of my wife's jars...

on the lotion, on the tubes,
on the cream...

- I guess you're not married, huh?
- No, I'm not.

Excuse me, Sergeant.
The kid's boss is outside.

Now? Her?

Lieutenant, I told you it was a kid who
first spotted Lessing's body, remember?

Well, that kid worked for
a travel agency.

And it's his boss that's outside.
Be right with you.

That's right, this Mr. Lessing
placed a hurry-up order for...

all sorts of reservations,
plane tickets yesterday afternoon.

Well, when I couldn't reach him by
phone last night to confirm,

I got a little worried because it is
a common racket, you know.

So I didn't have my breakfast
this morning. I sent the...

boy over here to snoop while
I started canceling reservations.

Excuse me, sir.
These are tickets to where?

Oh, Paris, uh, George V,

then a week on the Riviera.
All deluxe accommodations.

And he was to leave first
class today on a 747.

Naturally, I had to guarantee deposits.

Uh, excuse me, sir.

Sergeant, I thought you told me that
Mr. Lessing was hard up?

His latest bank statement shows that
he had a balance of less than $300.

But here, on the back of this magazine,

he apparently did some doodling.
There's dollar signs, figures...

He did it, or somebody else did.

Yeah, anybody can do this doodling.

There's no check on the handwriting.

Excuse me, Lieutenant.
This Mr. Lessing was to have...

been in my office this morning
with a check for more than $3,000.

Hear that, Lieutenant?

Lessing must've been
expecting some money.

It's a funny kind of pencil
to doodle with.

All right, Adele, enjoy it.
It's your first drink of the day.

All right, Sylvia, come on.

A little more, a little more violet,
Teddy. Just a touch.

Good. Good. Good for you?
Sure.

Ferdy, I thought this was
going to be a lipstick layout.

But of course, love. Just wait till
they open their mouths. I mean,

just wait until you see
what I've created for you.

Can I help you, sir?

I guess I came in the wrong door.
Sorry.

All right, Laura. Enjoy it.

Miss Scott, right?

Yes.

I'm sorry. Forgive me.
I didn't mean to intrude.

You know, upstairs they told me you'd
be down here, but this is...

some building you got here.
I mean, you got everything...

Do I know you?

You don't know me, ma'am,
but I sure know you.

Every time I shave, there you are.
It's a pleasure.

My name is Lt. Columbo.
I'm from the L.A.P.D.

Uh, do you have a moment?

Oh, um, uh, c-carry on, uh, Ferdy.
Come this way, please.

All right, Adele,
let's take it from the top.

Murdered? How horrible.

Yes, it's terrible.

What did you say
his name was? Lessing?

Oh. Not that nice young man
in Dr. Murchison's department?

- The chemist, ma'am, yes.
- Yes.

But I understand he was
going to be fired today.

Oh, well, I had nothing to do
with him, Lieutenant.

Poor boy. I wonder if
he had any family?

No, ma'am, he didn't.

You know, in that connection,
maybe you could help me out.

I was upstairs, and I wanted
to ask about him, but...

somebody in the laboratory, you know,
they wouldn't let me in.

Like Fort Knox around here.

I had no idea you had such top secrets
in a nice ladies' business like this.

I'll fix that, Lieutenant.

You can go anywhere you want
and ask anything you want.

We have no secrets from the police.

- Oh, thank you. I knew you'd say that.
- Yes, let me have Darla, please.

Just from the type of person you are.

She's not? Oh. How long?

Oh, no, never mind. I'll call back.

You know, I gotta tell you
honestly that, uh,

I feel like I've known you
for 100 years.

I feel you're like a
member of the family.

I mean, you're like, uh...
like Lydia E. Pinkham.

Oh, well...
Thank you. Oh, well...

Uh, my secretary is out right now,
but...

I'll take care of it
as soon as she returns.

I, urn, can't help but think
you're wasting your time.

But if you'd like to talk
to my personnel director,

he could probably tell you more
about Mr. Lessing.

No, I've already spoken to him
and he showed me Mr. Lessing's file.

Oh, listen, you know,
in that connection, uh,

there was something funny
about that, you know.

It was the only file folder
in the whole cabinet...

that had been shoved in backwards.

I... I don't understand.

I'm sure it don't mean anything.
I was just wondering about it.

Because personnel files
are confidential and...

the file is usually locked.

So, I was just curious who might
have a key and who wouldn't have a key.

Well, urn, I have one, and, uh,

probably a dozen other people.
I could get you a list if you like.

No, that won't be necessary.
Maybe later.

I won't bother you anymore.

No trouble, Lieutenant.

Oh. Lieutenant, you will let me know
the minute you have...

any idea who that poor boy's
murderer was, won't you?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

Oh, yes, Dora, um, there's a
Lt. Columbo in the building.

I think he's on his way up to the
lab now. Would you please see...

Miss Scott.

There is something maybe
I ought to tell you right now,

because it might not
have been a murderer.

I think it was a woman that killed him.

You do?

Or at least a woman was
there last night.

You see, on the back of
this television magazine...

that just must have come in
the mail just yesterday,

there was a lot doodling.

Black figures, black numbers,
and dollar signs.

Yes?

Well, they were written
with a black eyebrow pencil.

I spotted it right away
because...

that's what my wife always uses
when she makes out her grocery list.

When she goes into her purse,

that's the only kind of pencil
she can ever find.

Then you're wasting your time
here, aren't you, Lieutenant?

What do you mean?

Talking to a redhead.
Brunettes use black eyebrow pencil.

Do you know if he had
any girlfriends?

Now, how would I know
if he had any girlfriends?

I just work here, that's all.

No, I was just thinking, uh, you know,
maybe somebody here in the company?

Because you can't help noticing,
there's an awful lot of...

female employees around.

Models, Lieutenant.

I mean, you don't think
they'd be interested in a...

mere chemist's salary, do you?

Besides, this guy Karl was one of those
guys that stuck pretty much to himself.

Guy with a lot of ambition,
you know what I mean?

I guess he figured if you can't bed
the mother hen,

why waste time with the chickens?

Mind if I ask you something?

What are you doing
all this for, anyway?

Because whenever they stop one of
these projects,

I gotta get rid of everything...

the papers, the test materials,
everything.

Why?

To keep the other companies
from finding out.

Come on.

What was that project
Mr. Lessing was working on, anyway?

Who knows? They never
tell anybody anything.

Just her nibs and a few top executives.

Gee whiz, you'd think that you were
building secret weapons around here.

Why, we're not?

Do you have any idea how much
the women of America...

spend to make themselves beautiful?

Anyway, whatever it was,
it didn't work,

because everybody
in this section got canned.

Oh. Really?

Uh. Excuse me just one minute. Urn...

What's the matter?

You got to throw this out?

Yeah, of course. Everything goes.

What would I use this for, anyway?

I mean it's got no label,
it's got no writing, nothing.

Every test product has a special
container, Lieutenant.

Like the one you're holding.
Here, let me show you. Hold this.

Now, there were only a dozen of these.

It's a way of coding, that's all.
Coding, you know what I mean?

Different colors, different shapes.
And one is missing.

Hmm. You mind if I keep this?

For what? They've all been sterilized.
There's nothing in them.

Oh, well, it's sort of nice.
You keep things in it.

Cuff links, tie clasp.
I kind of like the bottom.

Eight sides. What do they
call that, octagonal?

Oh, Miss Scott, your phone's
been ringing and ringing.

I know, Dora. Never mind.
I don't want to be bothered yet.

Don't let anyone in to see me
for a little while.

Miss Scott!

I'm sure glad I caught you.

I want to thank you
for letting me look around.

Boy, this cosmetic business.

It sure is a long way from
just hair curlers and face grease.

You know, I had no idea.

Fellow showed me an eyelash,
it was made out of real live mink.

And the third floor,

they don't do anything up there
but cook up perfume for men.

- Am I right?
- Right.

What's the world coming to?

Well, come back anytime you like,
Lieutenant, and find out.

Thank you. I think I've seen enough.

Oh, listen. There's one other thing
I wanted to ask you about.

Uh, the fellow that Lessing
worked with, Dr. Murchison.

Uh, I can't find him, and I was
wondering whether you could help me?

Apparently, he goofed up on some...

expensive project
that he was working on.

Gee, I've seen this picture
every day for 12 years.

You're a beautiful woman.
At any rate, uh,

I've got Dr. MurchisorTs telephone
number and I've called him,

uh, but I haven't had
any luck. Can you help me?

Well, just try the nearest saloon.

I'm sure that's the only place
he's welcome anymore.

Say, Miss Scott, can I ask you
a personal question?

Yes.

It's, uh... Well, you know,
it has to do with these pictures.

You always wear a beauty mark. Only
this morning, you don't have it on.

Oh! Is that all?

It's just one of those things I never
do before lunchtime, darling. Bye-bye.

No, what I was wondering about was,
how you put those things on.

I mean, do you stick them on,
or do you paint them on, or...

Well, I can tell you're not interested
and your mind's someplace else.

Don't worry about it.
Til ask somebody else.

Oh, no, Lieutenant,
I don't mind telling you.

I use an eyebrow pencil, of course.
A black one.

Bye-bye, ma'am.

Goodbye, sir.

Urn, extension 517, please.

Hello, I'd like to speak
with Miss Shirley Blaine.

You mean she hasn't come to work.
Oh, I see.

Oh, no, uh, I'll call back.
In about half an hour? Thank you.

Hello?

Hello?

Hung up.

Phone was ringing every few minutes,
so I thought I'd answer it.

I hope you don't mind.

Oh, I'm very sorry that I
wasn't here to help you, sir,

but I've been very busy
taking dictation.

Now, what can I do for you?

Yes, I... May I get that for you?

Thank you.

All those cigarettes yours?

Yes.

May I tell you something?

Yes.

Whenever I see a pretty young girl
like you doing all that smoking,

I say to myself...

"Why does she take the chance?"

Thank you.

Hey, wait a minute. My cigar.

Now, you were telling me
that you're...

Yeah. I'm Lt. Columbo.
I'm from the L.A.P.D.

Isn't that a shame?
Good-looking young guy like that.

Yes, I haven't had
a chance to read it yet.

Why are you here, Lieutenant?

Oh, I just want to see
Mr. Lang for a moment.

The girl in the outer office
said maybe you could slip me in.

May I tell him what it's about?

Oh, don't bother, I'll do that.

You don't mind if I borrow
that paper, do you?

- No.
- I'll bring it back.

Sorry, Lieutenant. Karl Lessing.
I never heard of the man.

You mind taking another look?

Well, I never met him, either, as far
as I can remember. Now, why would I?

Well, you know,
he wasn't actually a scientist...

like it says there in the paper.

You know, really, he was just
an assistant chemist.

You mean over at Beauty Mark.
I read faster than you might think.

Well, I've been there a few times,
of course. I mean, after all,

Viveca Scott is one of my oldest
and dearest friends.

So it's quite possible that I've
run into him sometime or another.

Oh. But really, Columbo, look,

this is one of the biggest
businesses in the country.

I mean, there are literally thousands
of chemists in cosmetics.

Now, why you should come here and
question me about some unknown,

I... I just don't understand.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm.

Hey, I gotta pay that. Um...

One moment.

- That's it.
- That's what?

Mr. Lang, the phone company tells me...

that you've only had this number
for a few months and...

that it's a private number.

Well?

Well, I was sort of wondering
why this Karl Lessing would have it.

You see, my office told me that
they found this number scribbled...

on a small piece of paper
in Mr. Lessing's wallet.

Well, why the devil didn't you say
that in the first place?

Well, I wanted to make sure first, sir.

You see, even the phone company
makes mistakes, and, uh,

inasmuch as this number was the only
thing about you that anybody found...

Yes, of course.
I mean it... it just never...

Wait a minute.

Find something there, sir?

Well, there are a lot of young
chemists in and out of here.

You know, we pay
the highest wages in the...

business, so naturally they come here
looking for jobs. Just a second.

Shirley, come in here a minute,
will you?

We do know Mr. Lessing
was expecting some money.

And maybe a lot of money.

Now, don't get ahead of yourself,
Lieutenant.

I haven't offered anyone
a job for months.

Oh, Shirley,

look, have a look here, huh?
It's not a very good picture,

but there was a young fellow in here
the other day, maybe once before.

I didn't have time to talk to him.

Doesn't look familiar.

Lessing?

No, that's the wrong name.

But he was about, uh... Well,
average height, curly hair. It was...

something like, uh,
Johnson, Jefferson maybe.

Oh. Well you are
maybe right, sir but...

you didn't ask me to fill out
a card on him or anything like that.

That's all that there was.

I'm afraid I didn't hear
anything he said, Lieutenant.

I'm very sorry, sir,
but you see, I'm so busy...

I don't have time to notice
everyone who comes into the office.

Why would he change his name?

If he was already working for Viveca?

She demands devotion
from her handsome young men.

Oh, I don't mean it
in quite that way, no.

Well, protocol,
discretion, who knows?

I still can't figure out how he'd
get your private phone number.

Unless he looked at it, Lieutenant?
Just as you did?

Mmm.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

Me, too, sir.

You see, this Lessing was
up to something, I think.

But this cosmetics stuff
is such a complicated thing.

I mean, all this top secret
research going on, and...

people spying on other
people's products.

So, you know, I thought maybe
you could give me some clue.

If you're questioning the American
system of free enterprise, Lieutenant,

you've come to the wrong place.

Besides, here at Lang, we don't need
to bother with that sort of thing.

$10 raise.

Did you ever hear of anything
so insufferably male?

Then what did he say?

To that silly policeman?

You don't think David Lang
would let himself be concerned...

with anything human
like a murder, do you?

Maybe. If you're so sure that the man
he wrote the check to,

that Harry Smith,
is really Karl Lessing,

then maybe they got into a fight over
the price of the formula or something.

They were trying to cheat each other,
weren't they?

And you think that
Mr. Lang killed him?

Oh, no. No way.

You see, I saw that picture
in the newspaper first this morning.

And then, when Mr. Lang came in and
noticed it there on my desk,

well, he didn't say a word.

But I thought for a moment
he was going to faint.

Oh, uh... Dear, may I see that?
I'm sure it's not your size anyway.

And then do you know what he did?

Shirley, we can't stay here all day.

Well, he said he was going
downstairs for just a moment.

But where he really went was the bank.

I know, because I've got
a girlfriend over there.

And do you know what he did?

He deposited that $200,000 check
right back into his account.

Well, so what? That still doesn't mean
he couldn't have murdered...

Oh, no, I'm positive he...

$450.

I wonder if I could afford that.

I really have to go.

I know, but, Viveca, dear,

if Mr. Lang didn't kill
that nice young man,

then who do you suppose did?

Shirley, dear, why don't you come out
to the farm this afternoon?

You know, take that same back road.

There's something
I want to talk to you about.

But how can I leave the office?

I mean, Mr. Lang might have errands
for me to run, but I don't know if...

All right, if you can't make it.

I just thought... Well, we haven't
talked about you yet.

3:00?

How about 3:00?

Good.

That same place that we met before.

Good.

Why, Miss Scott, I didn't see you.
Is there something we can show you?

No, just slumming my way
to lunch. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Legs up. 1, 2, 3, 4...

Together, girls, together. Legs up.
1, 2, 3, 4. Up, up.

Together girls, together. Legs up.
1, 2, 3, 4. Up, up.

1, 2, 3, 4... 1, 2, 3, 4...

Legs up. 1, 2, 3, 4.

File in here, girls.
File in line here. File in line.

All right, girls.
Lay down. Lay down.

1, 2, 3, 4... 1, 2, 3, 4...

That's right, girls. Be happy.
1, 2, 3, 4...

Lieutenant!

What on earth are you doing here?

Oh, nothing much, ma'am.

So what kind of place is this, anyway?
You know, when they said...

you were up on your farm, I thought
maybe you were raising avocados.

Don't tell me you've
never heard of a fat farm?

Oh, this is a fat farm. Gee, you know,
it looks more like a temple.

So this is a place
where people come to reduce.

Oh, And, uh, mmm, body revitalization.

We have a whole program here:
beauty, and hair design, uh...

But our main emphasis is
on, uh, reducing.

I see.

This would be a terrific thing
for my wife.

You know, she's got a little problem...

Well, we'll put her on the list. Urn,
it's only $200 a day.

Now, did you have
something to say to me?

I think we ought to forget about
that waiting list...

and see if I can find
a more inexpensive...

As you can see, Lieutenant,
I'm on a very tight schedule.

If you didn't have anything to say,
I really must be going.

Oh, ma'am, listen, don't worry about
that. You go about your business.

No, I'm not gonna interfere
with your schedule.

You do whatever you have to do and...

I'll just tag along and
don't you worry about it.

You know who I met today?
A fellow named David Lang.

Had some very nice things
to say about you.

I can imagine.

But you know what?
It's just possible...

that this Mr. Lang might know more
than he's willing to admit.

I mean, about what Mr. Lessing might
have been up to...

and how he expected
to get more money.

Lieutenant, David Lang hasn't told
the truth about anything for 50 years.

You know, I was wondering about that
because,

you know, you're so different,
and that's what I admire about you.

When you don't like somebody, you...
you just come right out and you say it.

I mean, when you fired Dr.Murchison,
and Lessing, and everybody else.

Lieutenant, I have to go in this way.

I'm afraid you're just going to have
to come back another day.

Ma'am, you just do whatever you
have to do and don't worry about me.

I certainly don't want
to interfere with anything.

Nude sunbathing, Lieutenant.

I'll be in town tonight
if you'd like to call me then.

Uh, no, that's all right, ma'am.
No, I'll just wait right out here.

You do whatever you have to do.

Uh, oh... oh, I just
thought of something. Uh...

Didn't you say you wanted
to talk to Dr. Murchison?

Uh, yes, but we haven't
been able to find him.

Oh. That's because I found him.
He's right through that door.

Go right, straight down the corridor,
and to your left.

Oh, fine. All right, well.
Thank you very... Uh, Til...

talk to you later.

Viveca.

Viveca, where have you been?
I can't wait.

Mr. Lang just thinks
I've gone to the store.

Listen, love, we can't talk now. Oh!

Oh, let me get it.
Let me get it. Goodness.

Uh, that Lieutenant is here,
so we can't talk now anyway.

I bet he'd be rather curious
if he saw us together, wouldn't he?

Well, no one ever has.

Yes, but there's really no reason
why not, is there?

Well, no. Let's just, uh,

wait till this silly business
is over with, that's all.

Let me walk you to your car.

That's my kidney! Oh!

Help! Whoever you are,
come liberate me.

Olga.

Fight for your sex!

Oh, good, take off your raincoat,

dressing room over there,
and take off your clothes, please.

I'll be right with you.

Don't let her do it. Stand up,
man. Stand up. Fight!

They'll be taking over the world.

Now, you stop that. We already have.

I'm a policeman and I'm here to see
a Dr. Murchison.

Oh. Dr. Murchison,
a policeman to see you.

Oh! Rescue the Marines!

Get out of here. Out.

Ah, you're a naughty boy.

And I drink too much.

And you drink too much.

Thank you very much.

You're all nice girls.

You know, it would have
done you some good, but...

What a way to sober up.

Uh, Dr. Murchison, my name is
Lt. Columbo, I'm from the L. A. P. D.

I know, I know, Viveca told me. You're
looking into Karl Lessing's murder.

Poor kid.

As matter of fact, I am
looking into the murder...

But I wanted to ask you something.
You know,

I'm surprised to find you here.
I thought that she was angry at you.

You don't understand her yet,
do you? Nobody does.

I don't quite follow
what you're saying.

Because she knows I'll
always love her. That's all.

Because I understand. The Goddess
of Beauty, sir, never changes.

That's why she is what she is.

That's all I want, Viveca.
Just... just to be like you.

But with my present lousy job, it's...

Of course, dear.
I'll find a place for you.

That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

On the executive level?

Because, you know, that's really
the only way to do anything.

But there just isn't time to...

What're you looking for?
Did you lose something?

Oh, my cigarettes.
I must've dropped them.

Oh, no, wait. Someone will see you.
I have some.

This will hold you.

Thanks.

I didn't even know that you smoked.

There's a lot we have to learn
about each other.

But we will, don't worry.

Whew.

Taste terrible? I'm not surprised, with
the amount of cigarettes you smoke.

I think that's our first order of
business, to get you the cure.

Maybe in Europe.

And then we'll start
fixing up your office.

On the top floor, right next to mine.

Yes.

Thank you, Viveca.

I won't ever tell anybody anything.

Don't worry.

Bye.

Goodbye, Shirley.

Oh!

Couldn't you find, uh, Murchison?

Oh, yes, ma'am,
I found him, but, uh...

I guess he doesn't know very much,
or he can't remember very much.

One or the other.

Well, I'm sorry you
wasted your time here.

Well, actually, ma'am,
it was you that I wanted to talk to.

I'll tell you what I was curious about.
Do you have a moment?

Go on.

Throat.
What I was curious about was, uh,

if the murderer stole something
from Mr. Lessing that night...

What makes you think
something was stolen?

Well, you see, we know that Mr. Lessing
worked on a modest salary. Now...

we find out that he's planning
this big expensive trip to Europe.

So, obviously he's expecting...

Lieutenant, I really don't
know what you're talking about.

But I have over a dozen ladies out
there waiting for my encouragement.

Please excuse me.

You don't mind if I just tag along,
do you?

No! I... I'm sorry.
I really am.

But you've taken up enough of my day.

Alice. You're cheating.

Remember your goal. Now, come on.
Harder. Come on,

that's a girl. That's it, Mary.
Pay attention, now.

Up! Up!

Charlie. Uh, pick up the tempo
a little, Til be back.

You really are a very stubborn man,
aren't you, Lieutenant?

Do you actually believe
that I could've had...

anything to do with that poor
Mr. Lessing's death?

Is that why you're chasing me?

Miss Scott, are you aware that...

Karl Lessing had a photograph of yours
which he put in his dartboard...

and which he used as a target?

A what?

Now don't get excited.
It doesn't mean anything.

A lot of people wanna
throw darts at their bosses.

You know, as a matter of fact,
a while back here...

there was a captain of detectives, and
he and I didn't get along.

I used to have fantasies about him.
I always had my hands around his throat.

You belong in a museum.

Have you ever been in Lessing's place?

Lessing's? Don't be ridiculous.

I'll tell you why I asked that question:
Because we have a little problem...

trying to figure out
how the perpetrator got in.

Now, it occurred to me that,
you know, a young guy like that...

might have girlfriends
that he'd give a key to.

But why would one of the girlfriends
be interested in one of those red jars?

A what?

One of those red jars.

You know, the kind that you used in
your last research projects?

Because the measurements fit.

There's no doubt that
what was in that flour tin...

was one of those
eight-sided red jars.

So maybe Mr. Lessing knew something
about that research material that...

Dr. Murchison didn't.

Look, I don't wanna interfere with
your exercising.

You go back and do what you were doing.

But listen, you know, that's all just
speculation. That don't mean anything.

Uh, what I really wanna do is
clear up some gossip I keep hearing.

And this will be my last question.

Miss Scott, you're a beautiful woman,
you got a lot of life in you.

A handsome young man
comes to work for you.

Mr. Lessing is an
attractive single man.

And you heard that I might've dated
him a couple of times, is that it?

Well, that's quite true.
Do you know how long ago that was?

That was two years ago and there've
been hundreds since then.

I like young men, Lieutenant,
lots of them.

And if that shocks your ancient
masculine double standard, I'm sorry.

Sorry, ma'am. I didn't mean
to upset you.

I'd better run along.

You've been very cooperative.
Thank you very, very much.

Oh, say, you wouldn't know what
poison ivy looks like, would you?

I mean, when you get it?

Like right here on this finger, here?

Uh... I'm afraid I don't.

Broke out a couple of hours ago.
Itches like the devil.

You know, I got a nephew
out at U.C. L.A.

He's resident dermatologist out there.
He said it sounded like poison ivy.

A dermatologist? Well!
Then it must be, uh, poison ivy.

Yeah. I tell you, the only
problem is, I...

A guy down in headquarters,
Sgt. Kiester, German guy,

his hobby is horticulture.
You know, plants?

He told me there is no poison ivy in
Southern California.

Not enough moisture.

Well, then maybe it isn't poison ivy.

Then I went out to U.C.L.A. I showed it
to my nephew. He looked at it.

He said it is poison ivy.

Lieutenant,

I did not kill Karl Lessing.
I couldn't kill a fly.

Oh. Miss Scott, wait.

I just couldn't stop him.
The cleaning girl had the door open.

It's all right, Dora.

Lieutenant.

Miss Scott.

Wanna compliment you on your office.
It's very impressive.

Well, thank you.
What can I do for you?

Dora, as soon as the directors arrive,
would you please send them right in?

Actually, I just came here to
apologize. It will only take a second.

Apologize for what?

I thought I upset you yesterday.

I regret that. However,
what's done is done.

Uh, did you happen to see this?

Oh, yes, I heard about that.
She was a very pretty girl, wasn't she?

You didn't happen to know her, did you?

No, I only asked because she was
Mr. Lang's secretary.

As a matter of fact we did meet once.
Just the other day.

She was with David at a fashion show.
We spoke, but that's all. Why?

Mmm. I just thought maybe
you could help me, that's all.

Tell you, This guy David Lang,
he's the...

toughest nut to crack
I've ever run into.

But listen, never mind.
That's my problem.

There was nothing wrong with this,
urn, Shirley Blaine's death, was there?

Well, in a bad car accident like that,
it's kind of hard to tell. But...

one of the doctors, he thought
her eyes were sort of dilated.

Well, what does that mean?

Could be drugs. A quick-acting poison.

You know what I found out?

I found out that they actually use
poisons when they make cosmetics.

Belladonna, aconite.

Not that much anymore,
Lieutenant.

No, huh?

Not anymore. Mmm.

But there was one thing they found.

A copy of an enormous check from
Mr. Lang to a fellow named Harry Smith.

What was funny about this is that
the bank tells me that...

Mr. Lang drew this check the morning
before Mr. Lessing was murdered,

and brought it back,
and put it back into his account...

the afternoon after he was murdered.

Well, what does David say?

What does a clam say?

Well, his closet is
rather full of snakes.

Once he opens his mouth
on anything...

No, but really, Lieutenant,
I think, uh,

just because David was once
a chemist himself...

doesn't mean that he'd try to use
drugs on anything as horrible as that.

He was? He was a chemist?
Well, that might be very helpful to me.

Thank you. That just might help me.
Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I'm gonna get out of your hair, Miss Scott.
I see you have other things to do.

Bye-bye.

Say, I was going to show
you something funny.

Doesn't that look awful? But
I tell you, it sure stops the itching.

Incidentally, that was poison ivy. My
nephew got the report in this morning.

Oh, you poor thing.

But I tell you, that's not
the funniest part.

Here's the funny part.

You know, the problem was,
where did I get the darned stuff?

Because they don't have any
here in California,

except maybe in one place.
Lessing's place.

Hard to believe.

What are those?

Oh, we always take a lot of
photographs. You don't want to see that.

Uh, here we are.

I guess what Mr. Lessing did
was, I guess he had a second job,

and he worked for a medical
lab every once in a while.

Ah, that looks like Latin.

But I couldn't guess that
because I'd only taken Spanish.

But you know what that means?

Not poison ivy?

Exactly. That's the extract of
poison ivy. That's called "urushiol".

And that's the stuff
that makes your hand itch.

Now, he must've had a jar around, you
know, somewhere around the apartment,

and somewhere I must've touched it.

So I sent a whole crew of
guys out there and...

now they're going to comb
that place and see...

whether they can come up with that.

Do you have the time?
I think I have mine.

Oh, dear. Uh, Miss Scott,
I wanna thank you...

for being so patient.

And I wanna thank you
for being so nice yesterday.

Oh, anytime,
Lieutenant. Goodbye.

Murch.

Oh, Viveca, not the whip.

I'm doing it. I've got 15 miles
on this thing already.

Murch, dear, I wasn't going to bother
you with this for a while but____

I'm curious about something and
I just have to know the answer.

I love you. What else?

If I brought you a quarter of a
cup of something,

could you analyze it for me right away?

Viveca, if it's over 86 proof...

Oh, stop being foolish.
Til call you in a few minutes.

Oh, uh, Murch, urn, don't tell anyone.

Do I ever?

Sorry to disturb you, ma'am,

but I have a court order here to
search these premises.

All right, you fellows check back
in there. You stand here.

Excuse me, ma'am.

This is outrageous.
Who's responsible for this?

What are you looking for?

Let me put it this way.

If you found a little red jar
with an eight-sided bottom,

would you get promoted?

Just take it easy, lady.
Just take it easy.

I'm taking it easy.

as a matter of fact, I could offer you
a drink and help you search...

if I weren't so furious.

No luck yet, Lieutenant.
No luck at all.

Lieutenant, would you please do what
you have to do and get out of here?

How long is this going to take?

Damnedest case I've ever seen.

Will you answer me? How long
is this going to take?

I found the poison ivy.

That's good. Where?

At Lessing's place.

I know at Lessing's, but where?

It was in the bottom drawer
of the file cabinet.

The drawer was locked.

You were nowhere near that drawer.

I know. I never opened the drawer.

Still trying to figure out
where I got my poison ivy.

Poor thing. Still worried
about your itch.

You worried about yours?

No.

I couldn't help noticing,
ma'am, the past few days...

you've been scratching
your hand and wearing gloves.

So?

Been out of state recently?

No.

Neither have I.

Lieutenant, you amaze me.

Number one, you don't even know
if I have poison ivy.

The doctor will tell us that.

Number two, even if I do have it, it
has nothing to do with Karl Lessing...

because I never touched that vial.

You're under arrest for murder.

Sergeant, would you step out
of the room for a moment?

Hey, Lieutenant,
another second is all...

Don't worry about it.

Okay. All right, fellows, let's go.

Did you ever have the feeling when
you're about to go on a trip...

that you forgot something?

You know, just as you get in the cab
to go to the airport,

you have an anxious feeling that you
forgot something,

that something is missing?

That's the feeling I got
the first time I saw that microscope.

I remember I turned and I saw it,
and I said, "Is that a microscope?"

I started walking toward it,

and I remember the fingerprint man,
he was talking.

I didn't hear him good because I was
distracted by the feeling...

that something was missing.
You know what I mean?

That can be very annoying.

It was, until an hour ago.

I ran into George, my brother-in-law.
He's just back from Mexico today.

He said, "Take a look at these."

He knows that I love family pictures.

He took these out, handed them to me,
and he said:

"These are the best slides
I've ever taken."

Slides.

Slides. That's when it hit me.

Where there's a microscope,
there's always a slide.

You see, we got our poison ivy
in the same place.

We both touched the slide.

You touched it when you picked up
the microscope and hit him.

That's when the slide broke.

I got it when I put my hand on the
floor and it touched a piece of glass.

I remember because I said: "Fellows,
feels like there's broken glass here."

The fingerprint man, he thought
the glass came from a drinking glass.

Wow.

Very good, Lieutenant.

Officer!

Officer, take care of Miss Scott,
and Til be right with you.

Oh...

Give your brother-in-law a message
for me. Something appropriate.