Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ I bet we've been together for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la. ♪

Come on, Alex, can't you give us a hand?

Sorry, Mom,

it just seems kind of silly

to clean up before company comes.

I mean, it's just gonna get messy again.

Come on, your cousin June hasn't been here in three years.

I don't want her coming into a messy house.

Why? It was messy when she left.

I just got off the phone with Jennifer.

She's still at Adam's house doing the science project.

She said she'll be here soon.

I wonder what's taking them so long.

They should've finished that science project by now.

Yeah, well, they're trying to get fruit flies to mate

and it's taking longer than they thought.

You know, I'm a little offended by that project.

I mean, I think Jennifer should learn

about fruit flies on the street like I did.

I wish she'd hurry because your father and June

should be back from the airport any minute now.

They probably stopped off for a good ol' American hamburger.

You know, that English food's pretty disgusting.

That's a very narrow view, Alex.

Just because English food is different than ours

doesn't mean it's terrible.

Come on, Ma, how would you characterize a place

that serves ox tails and kidney pies for breakfast?

Disgusting.

I mean "different," hey.

I'm so excited that June's coming.

I can't imagine what it's like to study in England.

You don't even know what it's like to study in America.

- Hey, look who's here. - Hi, hi!

- Hi, June, hi! -Hi. How are you? - Hey.

There she is.

- Hi, June. - Hi.

Sorry, we're late... We stopped off for hamburgers.

Yeah, I couldn't wait... English food is disgusting.

Nah, it's just different.

June, you look great. Come on.

Oh, thanks. All you do, too.

The baby. Oh.

- Is that Andrew? - Yeah.

Hi.

Oh, he's so cute.

- Where's Jennifer? - Oh, she'll be here soon.

She's at her boyfriend's house studying.

Oh, I'm so excited you're here.

Oh, are you kidding?

You think I'd miss a chance to brag all about my trip?

Well, sit down and brag.

Come on, what was London like?

Yeah, did you take advantage of the strong dollar?

Did you meet the queen?

Yeah, I love monarchies.

Hey, come on, come on, give her a chance to answer.

Thank you, Steven.

Uh, I brought some pictures

and I'm anxious to tell you all about my trip.

Great, we want to hear all about it.

Well, a lot of things happened in three years.

Mm, you're telling us.

I don't know where to start.

Well, how about the boys?

Well, I did meet a couple of cute boys.

And I got their pictures right here.

I knew it. Did you date any princes or dukes or anything?

- No, just commoners. - Oh.

You know, it's funny.

When I got to England, I wasn't that interested in boys,

but, uh, now they're not so bad, you know?

Thanks, we try.

Well, I guess we're all changing.

I mean, here we are...

and Jennifer's out with a boy.

I guess she's really growing up, huh?

Well... yes and no.

Jennifer!

Good evening, Scott. I thought I'd join you.

Mallory! How nice to see you.

Hi, Jen.

Jennifer, why are you dressed this way?

I'm a woman of many moods, Scott...

Young and playful one moment,

sophisticated and deadly serious the next.

Hey!

Uh...

Jennifer, this is a table for two.

I'm sure you can make room for your sister.

Well, Scott,

what do you recommend?

The last time I was here, I found the pizza with bologna

very much to my liking.

Shall I go for it again?

I don't get it... Is this a joke or something?

I'm deadly serious, Scott, pizza with bologna or not?

Jen, we already ordered.

Mallory, Scott needs his strength.

He has "Mormons" coursing through his veins.

What?

They'll be no talking about baseball tonight, Scott.

Know what I mean?

Not really.

You'll find tonight that I can be as soft as the next girl.

Buy you a drink?

Uh...

All right, Jen, uh, come here for a minute.

Mallory, you're making a spectacle of yourself.

Hey, listen, I think we ought to take you home now.

I don't need you to take me home.

- Jennifer... - Stop...

Are you okay, little girl?

I'm fine, and I'm not a little girl.

Waiter, my bike.

Yeah, she was really embarrassed.

Ah, poor kid.

I had to convince her that making a fool out of yourself

is part of life when you're growing up.

It's even part of life after you've grown up.

Yeah, I know I matured a lot over the years.

When I think back...

Uh, June, why don't you

just show us the pictures and tell us about your trip?

Let's face it, I mean, maturity and I are no strangers.

Alex, who are you kidding? I'm the mature one.

- You? You don't even know... - Oh, come on, guys.

June's trying to tell us about her trip.

- Right. - Sorry.

Anyway, the more I was

on my own, I found that...

I think Mom and Dad know that they don't have to worry about

my being responsible even when they're not home.

That's because I'm in charge when they're not home.

Oh, yeah, and he always does a great job.

So, uh, nobody else is home, then?

Nope, just you and me.

Maybe I should leave.

I don't think so.

Mallory.

I made her do it, Alex... I'm an animal.

I don't deserve to live.

Where's Jennifer?

I thought she was with you.

I got caught up in the moment.

I-I couldn't control myself.

Jeff.

I'm not usually like this

but when I'm around Mallory, I go crazy.

Jeff, calm down, we've got other problems here.

I lost Jennifer.

I thought you took her to the card game with you!

I-I did, but-but while I was playing, she just wandered off.

Oh, no.

Mom and Dad came to the card game to get her.

Oh, no.

They're right behind me.

I had to drive on the sidewalk to beat them home.

Maybe Jennifer came home and she's upstairs sleeping.

I hope you're right.

I'll look.

Um, I kind of told my parents that Jennifer was with you,

so I'd appreciate it if-if you'd...

Lie.

That about says it, yeah.

Sure, Alex, if you want me to.

Look, if Jennifer's not home,

maybe you and I should go look for her.

We both got cars.

Good idea.

Jeff, thank you for your support.

I'm glad you're here.

Not at all.

Well, you're certainly not the two

I expected to see on the couch.

Yeah, that was real responsible, Alex.

Losing Jennifer in a card game?

I had a straight flush... I mean, what would you do?

All right, okay, I got a little carried away.

I believe June was trying to tell us about her trip.

What trip?

Oh, right, right, well.

Well, the second day I was there, I met this terrific guy.

I've got his picture right here, he's so...

Okay, all right, I admit

I should've been thinking a little more about Jennifer,

but it was a momentary lapse.

I mean, I matured a lot since then.

In fact, in some ways I'm so mature

that I've outgrown a lot of people my own age.

You've been wondering about my age all evening,

haven't you, Alex?

Oh, no, your age?

No, your age never-never entered my mind.

How old do you think I am?

Oh, I don't know, uh...

I'd say...

about years old.

I'll be 40 in July.

I'll be 29 in March.

My, my... and still in high school.

Well, I'm a veteran, you know.

Okay, I'm-I'm 17.

But they've been 17 very full years.

Alex,

chronological age means nothing to me.

I like that in a woman.

Hey, you want to dance?

I thought you'd never ask.

Hey, you're good.

- Thank you. - No, thank you.

No, thank you.

Oh, Mom, Dad.

Alex, uh, where's your, um...

Uh, uh, I-I mean is...

Is this your...

Who's this?

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.

Mom, Dad, this is, uh, Lorraine Ferrar.

My date.

She's his date, Steven.

Hello.

Yes, it-it certainly is nice to meet you.

Yes, I'll say.

Hey, hey, you kids want to dance?

We'll just roll back the rug.

Nope.

I don't think so.

Do you think so, Steven?

Are you talking to me?

Oh, no, uh, no, uh, no, no-no dancing for us.

No, no, um...

Good night.

Yeah, that's good.

Good night.

Good night.

What ever happened to Lorraine, Alex?

Ah, Lorraine and I kind of lost track of each other.

Maybe I should give her a call.

Forget it, Alex.

Ah, that could be her now.

Hello?

Oh, yes, Jennifer, June's here.

Uh...

All right, I see. All right.

I'll tell her.

Bye-bye.

That was Jennifer.

She sends you her best, June.

She'll be here just as soon as she can.

Apparently the female fruit fly is not in the mood.

What are they going to do,

put on some Johnny Mathis records?

Chances are.

Look, June, why don't you show us some more pictures?

Well, I do have some beautiful shots of Florence.

Florence who?

Mallory, Florence is a city in Italy.

It's not a person.

Actually, Alex, Florence is a person.

Florence Weldon.

See, Alex, Florence is not a city in Italy.

Florence and I went to Paris,

and we stayed in this really cute bed-and-breakfast.

What's a bed-and-breakfast?

A bed is something you sleep in.

Breakfast is something you have in the morning.

It's like a small hotel, Mal.

In Europe, a lot of people rent out rooms in their houses.

Oh, we were there during the tourist season,

so, I mean, it got pretty wild.

Some nights, we had 50 people staying in the house.

Whoa.

I guess that doesn't happen too much here in Ohio.

Oh, I don't know about that.

I hope you don't mind. I invited a few people.

Uh, mind? As a matter of fact...

All right, okay.

Hey, what are you doing?

We did it. We captured the other team's mascot.

We got the Crawford Kangaroo.

Uh...

Can you believe this?

They captured the Crawford Kangaroo.

This is a day we will never forget.

I'm home.

Hi, Dad.

How was your trip?

It's so nice to see you.

What is going on here?

Now, Dad, uh...

don't go jumping to any conclusions.

Whoa!

Alex,

parents are conditioned to accept a...

a-a few, uh, minor problems

when they leave their children alone at home...

Spilled milk on the rug,

a broken dish.

There was a kangaroo

in my living room.

It was just here for the party, Dad.

Then I guess I'm overreacting.

Dad, if you just give us a chance,

we can explain everything.

Oh, can you?

Can you explain

the valet parking in the driveway?

The flashing vacancy sign

in front of the house?

The billboard on Route 41?

Look, Dad, I just,

I-I just lost my head, you know?

When the... when the money started rolling in,

I got out of control.

I-I could smell it.

I could taste it.

I could hear it, calling me at night,

saying, "Alex, at last we'll be together."

Dad, I-I guess you could just say

that I-I kind of became a... a money-holic.

Dad, I need help.

Dad, uh,

you left me in charge,

and I let you down in every possible way.

I was immature,

I was irresponsible,

and, uh, and I was greedy.

I'm sorry.

He's coming around.

For months Steven would wake up in the middle of the night

screaming about kangaroos.

Well, Pop,

I-I bet you look back

on that whole incident now and laugh.

Uh, I think we've all

become a lot more responsible since then.

It's because your father and I have set such a good example.

Yes, we've taught you

to think clearly and rationally before you act.

I'm Ruben Tedesco.

Your children call me Mr. Tedesco.

I think you should, too.

I teach European literature.

If you don't belong in this classroom, don't worry.

Neither do most of your children.

I'd like to make this an open forum.

I'll answer any intelligent questions you may have.

- Well, I was wondering... - Hands please.

Yes, the lady in the front row.

- Mr. Tedesco... - Not you.

The one next to you, the old bag.

Why do you give out so much homework?

I said intelligent questions.

Next.

Yes, you.

My son, he says you pick on him.

You call him names.

Who's your son?

Larry Morgan.

Larry the Loser?

Madame, your son is an insipid pimple-faced liar.

Anyone else?

Please identify yourself.

I'm Mrs. Binney.

My daughter, Mindy,

so enjoyed reading The Little Prince.

Is there anything else you'd recommend for her?

Yes, I'd recommend she lose 40 pounds.

You could lose 30 yourself. Next?

My, my, such an inquisitive bunch.

I have something to say.

Mr. Tedesco,

I think you owe Mrs. Binney

and everyone else in here an apology.

Yes.

You-you've been terribly rude and insulting to us all.

Mrs. Keaton, it's clear that your son

does not get his intelligence from you.

If you feel I'm being insulting, fine.

I won't insult anyone anymore.

This little get-together is over.

I'm leaving.

Sorry, the game is over. Let me through.

Don't push me.

Move it, Grandma.

You can't do that.

Who's gonna stop me?

I came to apologize for my wife's behavior.

She feels terrible about the whole thing.

She's really sorry.

We both are.

I could sue, you know.

Look, uh, look,

let-let-let-let's try to gain some perspective

on the situation here.

Uh, haven't you ever done something without thinking,

something you regretted later?

Yes, I showed up for parents' night.

Look, look, I know you're upset and you have every right to be.

But you're obviously a very intelligent, civilized person

who can recognize this incident for what it is.

An aberration.

And I hope you'll forgive and forget.

Fortunately, Mr. Keaton,

your son inherited your rational temperament.

For his sake,

I will allow myself to be appeased by your words.

I am nothing if not civilized.

Well,

I can see that.

Your wife, however, is an Amazon.

Part Irish, part French, no Amazon.

You know what I mean, Keaton.

She's primal.

Not fully evolved.

You must have a tough time keeping her in line.

Tell me,

do whips ever enter the picture?

I think I'll be going now.

No, I'm curious, what's it like to live

with that kind of unbridled she-devil?

Good-bye, Mr. Tedesco.

No wait, just one more question.

Does she ever, uh...

Why, you...

Now, now, June, I don't want you to get the idea

that-that we condone violence.

No, no, not at all.

Yeah, just don't make any sudden moves.

You'll be all right.

Oh, Andy.

What's wrong, honey?

We've been doing all the talking.

I guess he feels left out.

I know how he feels.

You know, if Andrew could talk,

I bet he'd have a story or two to tell you.

Hey, your wife's on television.

- She looks great. - ♪ Thou wilt still be adored ♪

She sure does.

♪ As this moment thou art ♪

♪ Let thy loveliness fade as it will ♪

This is my favorite part.

Wait till you hear the way she hits this one note.

Each beat of my... ♪

Oh! Oh!

Wow, she really nailed it that time.

Don't stop, Elyse.

Why did she stop?

I'm sorry.

I think I'm going into labor.

Oh, well, that-that explains it.

Labor?

Steven, are you watching?

Of course I am.

This is it.

Uh, Steven, if you're watching, meet me at the hospital.

Elyse, I'll be there in 15 minutes.

Be there in ten minutes.

Ten minutes, and I'll get your suitcase.

And don't forget my suitcase.

Stop nagging. I'm coming.

- Steven! - Come on, Dad.

- Come on, Dad. -Go!

- Hurry. - Steven!

Okay, now, let's give June a chance.

We've been doing all the talking ourselves.

Yeah, I really do want to see what London looks like.

Oh, well, it's pretty much what you would expect,

except that people drive on the wrong side of the street.

Hey, Mal, you'd fit right in.

June, we're all going to be quiet now,

so you can tell us about your trip.

- Yes. - Go ahead.

Well, okay,

when I first got to London,

- it was really foggy. - Hi, June.

- Hi, honey. - Jennifer, hi.

It's nice to see you.

Oh, it's good to see you, too.

Well, you look great.

Oh, so do you.

Did I miss much about your trip?

Oh, no, not a word.

Well, I want to hear everything.

Okay.

Okay, now, no more interruptions.

Well, anyway, as I was saying,

when I first got there, I met this really terrific guy.

Oh, well, you should meet this guy Adam.

He's really smart and cute and funny.

Jennifer, Jennifer,

we don't want to hear about it, okay?

I want to hear about Margaret Thatcher.

By the way, how did... how did Adam do with the...

Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.