Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ I bet we've been together for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la. ♪

Oh, I love it.

This is going to be great.

Okay, you can let it down now.

Are you sure every brother does this for his sister?

Absolutely.

Did Alex do it for you?

He wanted to, but he just wasn't right for it.

How come?

Well...

Alex has a weird body.

It's like his head is too big for the rest of him.

Maybe the rest of him is just too small.

That's probably it.

Ah, what the heck is this?

Calm down, Alex.

Andy's just helping me hem a skirt. It's no big deal.

No big deal? Mal, he is a healthy, happy six-year-old boy.

He should not be standing on a counter in-in a dress.

Especially not this dress.

The color's all wrong for him.

You wish you could be standing up here, Alex,

but you can't because your body's weird.

What?

Andy, honey, why don't you go outside and play?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

What-what do... what do you mean, my body is weird?

You got a big head... Ask Mallory.

Did you tell him that?

Alex, leave me alone.

She said that the rest of your body is too small.

You said that.

I have got a perfect body, okay?

And you cannot beat my head.

They make a phenomenal set.

Fine, Alex, whatever you say.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait...

Is there something wrong with my head?

I mean, tell me, because I would like to know.

Alex, it's no big deal.

You've just got the little...

Elmer Fudd thing working for you, that's all.

Elmer Fudd?

I'm getting out of here.

Wait, Elmer Fudd... What does Elmer Fudd...

He asked me whether or not you had done this...

Hi, guys.

Jen, what's the matter with you?

You look miserable.

You really do.

Jen, you look awful.

But before we discuss that, let me ask you something.

Is there something wrong with my head?

Does Easter Island mean anything to you?

What's the matter, Jen? What's wrong?

This might be the worst day of my school career.

Why? What happened?

I had to do a book report for my English class.

Jen, I'm so sorry.

No, the problem is I wanted to do my report

on Huckleberry Finn.

You're in luck, Jen.

I did a paper on that.

No, Mal, that was Huckleberry Hound.

- Oh, that's right, right. - See?

I found out in school today that Huckleberry Finn

is not on the school's accepted reading list.

It's banned.

Banned?

What... come on, that's absurd.

Wh-When did this happen?

Well, it's a new policy... It just went into effect.

Well, I wish they banned books when I was in high school.

They start everything good after I leave.

How... how can they ban Huckleberry Finn?

I mean, every kid reads Huck Finn.

It's the great American novel.

It symbolizes the unrest and ferment of the country

as the... as the Western Frontier was coming to a close

and we as a nation were forced to confront the issues

of... of racism, slavery and industrialism.

Oh, maybe I didn't read it.

Who decided this?

The Leland Heights School Board.

They gave me this letter to take home

and a packet of information about it.

Oh, Jen, if you're lucky, they'll ban this packet, too.

Looks pretty deadly.

- Hi, guys. - Hey!

Mom, Dad, I'm glad you're here.

I've got something to tell you, and I don't think

you're going to like it.

The greeting all parents yearn for.

Should we sit down?

It's something that happened at school today.

Jen, listen, break it to them easy, okay?

Just remember, they're liberals.

They could spontaneously combust.

Alex is right.

I know how upset you guys get about these things.

Well, what is it, honey?

I wanted to do a book report on Huckleberry Finn.

All right.

But don't let it happen again.

I can't. Huckleberry Finn is banned.

Banned?

That's ridic... what are you talking about?

Okay, okay, just take it easy.

Don't stage a sit-in or anything.

I knew the school board's been talking about this,

but I never dreamed they'd dare to do it.

This is amazing.

If we lived two miles down the road

in the Columbus School District, this wouldn't be a problem.

We'd be closer to the mall, too.

Was there any discussion about this at school?

Or is everyone just going to stand there

and allow this to happen?

Wh-What about your English teacher?

Well, Mr. Flaherty is just as upset about this as I am,

but he said there's nothing that can be done about it.

Uh, no, there's no way we are going to let this happen.

This is completely wrong.

I totally agree with you, Dad... We've got to fight this.

Oh, absolutely, this is a disgrace to the community,

to the state, to the country.

Do I have a big head?

"I hadn't had a bite to eat since yesterday,

"so Jim, he got out some corn dodgers and buttermilk,

"and pork and cabbage and greens.

"There ain't nothing in the world so good

"when it's cooked right.

"And whilst I eat my supper, we talked and had a good time.

"I was powerful glad to get away from the feuds,

"and so was Jim to get away from the swamp.

We said, 'There warn't no home like a raft, after all. ""

Hmm.

With those stockings?

I'm going to die.

Mallory, please, your dad's reading from a great piece

of American literature.

Oh, I know, I know. I-I'm listening.

Um... they're on a cruise, right?

Not exactly a cruise.

They're on a raft, floating down the Mississippi.

It's a... yeah, it's a great story.

I'll be right with you.

I'm sorry, my family keeps interrupting. Go on.

You know, I used to love that book when I was a kid.

I, uh... I'd always imagine myself

in Huck's place, you know?

Lying out there in the river at night, free as can be.

Only, uh, well, mine... mine wasn't a raft.

It was a cabin cruiser.

Complete wet bar, satellite dish.

Hot tub.

I don't know... I still like Twain's version.

To each his own, Pop.

All right, I'm off the phone.

I'm ready to talk about the book.

That's probably for me.

Hello? Hi.

I can't believe the Leland Heights Board of Education

finds all these books unacceptable.

Here, uh... Catcher in the Rye, Grapes of Wrath,

Slaughterhouse-Five?

That's preposterous.

I mean, what books can you read?

Well, we're down to Babar Goes to Holland

and The Yogi Berra Story.

Well, this is infuriating.

Every one of these books is a classic.

I mean, how can they justify that?

Well, the argument is that the books contain explicit language

or, uh... or offensive imagery

that's unacceptable for pre-college students.

The irony is that in Island Tree School District v. Pico,

Justice Brennan said, "No local school board shall remove books

"from school library shelves simply because

"they dislike the ideas contained in those books,

"nor by their removal seek to prescribe what shall be orthodox

"in politics, nationalism, religion

and other matters of opinion."

How did you know that?

I know everything.

Alex, I've got to admit,

I'm surprised you're on our side in this issue.

To think that book banning

is actually bringing us closer together.

Well, Dad, I-I...

I do enjoy keeping you on your toes.

But, uh, basically, I agree

with John Stuart Mill's philosophy

that a free flow of ideas and-and information

is essential to keeping alive the spirit

of a... of a libertarian and utilitarian vision

flourishing against the oppressive weight

of ignorance and totalitarianism.

Did you swallow a dictionary recently?

I'm just saying that regardless of the contents of a book,

I believe that we have to preserve the rights

of freedom of thought and freedom of speech

for every American citizen.

A straight lettuce diet? That's wild.

With certain obvious exceptions.

I think the books on this list are just the kind of things

high school students should be reading.

I mean, they're provocative, they're insightful,

they make you think.

I mean, what's wrong with that?

The problem the school board has with the book

is that Huck's best friend

is sometimes referred to as N♪♪♪♪♪ Jim.

Now, look, that's definitely offensive,

but it shouldn't be taken out of context.

At the time Twain wrote the book, it was,

uh, common usage in Missouri.

The whole point of the story is how Huck learns

that a man's color is not important

and that everyone deserved to be free.

Jim is the most noble character in the book.

There are also objections on religious grounds.

Apparently the school board dislikes the fact that Huck says

he would rather go to hell than turn Jim back into slavery.

That he, in fact, rejects God.

Okay, I'm off the phone. I'm all yours.

Great.

Now we get to the bottom of this.

Well, what about the other kids, Jen?

Or are you the only one who wants to read

a book that's on this list?

Well, I don't want to do my report on this book

because the book is banned.

I happen to love that book.

Jennifer,

this book is over 300 pages long,

not including pictures.

I think it's a blessing in disguise.

Jen, look, if you want to do your book report on Huck Finn,

then you should do it on Huck Finn,

and the rest of us will support you on that, right?

- Yeah, absolutely. - Definitely. -Okay.

But it's got to be your decision.

You know, I never thought reading a book

would be something I'd have to fight for.

You know, uh, Jen, I once had a brush with censorship myself.

Remember, uh, Elyse, back in Berkeley?

Huh, 1963?

I wrote an article for the Berkeley Gazette.

"Fluctuating Electoral Demographics

in the 1962 Congressional Race."

It was censored?

Oh, yes.

On what basis?

Oh, well, it was incredibly boring.

Well, I mean, "boring" in the best,

most interesting sense of the word.

Thank you, dear... That's exactly what you said

on your review at the time.

This is a book report I want to do,

and it doesn't seem right that I should be stopped from doing it.

No, it doesn't.

Anyway, I don't want to read The Yogi Berra Story.

And you shouldn't have to.

Freedom of speech is guaranteed in the Constitution,

and-and basically, they're throwing out the Bill of Rights.

All right.

If we don't take a stand, who will?

I mean, where will this all end?

STEVEN and ELYSE: All right.

So, basically, you're going to read the book,

do the book report,

risk possible failure in English,

jeopardize your chances of getting

into any college other than Grant, and, uh,

become a social outcast in your own community.

I guess so.

That's our girl!

When he was 19, Yogi batted .315, had 103 RBIs

and was elected to the all-star team.

It was also during this season that Yogi told his teammates

that he would one day become spokesman

for a wonderfully thirst-quenching

chocolate-flavored drink called Yoo-hoo.

The rest is beverage history.

Well, very nice, Jill.

I think we all feel a little closer to Yogi.

But I think I'd like you to try something

a little more challenging next time.

Like what?

Well, it's just that your past reports

seem to indicate a certain pattern.

I mean, we've had The Joe Namath Story,

The Johnny Bench Story, The Magic Johnson Story.

You should branch out a little.

Well, I haven't done anything on hockey.

Sit down, Jill.

Jennifer. You ready?

I think so.

"You don't know about me without you have read the book

"by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer,

but that ain't no matter."

So began Twain's American classic, Huckleberry Finn.

Jennifer, can I speak to you for a minute?

Uh, Martin, perhaps you could begin your paper.

Athlete... broadcaster...

soft drink spokesman.

Who is this great American? Yogi Berra.

Jennifer, I thought I made myself clear on this.

You know Huckleberry Finn

isn't on the approved reading list.

I know, Mr. Flaherty, and I've given it a lot of thought.

And I don't approve of the approved reading list.

Well, neither do I!

But I am a teacher in this school system,

and I have to abide by those rules.

I'm sorry, Mr. Flaherty, but I really feel strongly about this.

Jennifer, if that's the case,

I have no choice but to call Dr. Hewitt.

Oh, no, not Hewitt the Hun.

She's going to find out eventually.

Billy...

Yogi lived his life by his immortal words

ever since he was born...

Go to the principal's office.

What'd I do?

Nothing.

Just go tell Dr. Hewitt I need to see her.

Hewitt the Hun?

Uh, look, I'm sorry, Jen, but I got to do what he says.

I'm failing.

Jennifer... I hate to have to do this.

Uh, you understand the position I'm in.

You always told us to think for ourselves

and to have the courage of our convictions, and if...

and if we really believe in something, then to act on it.

Oh, sure, throw that one up at me.

Have you discussed this with your parents?

Yes, I have, and they support me completely.

Boy, you Keatons are never far from controversy, are you?

I remember when Alex tried to get the school to close

on Ron and Nancy's anniversary.

Oh, yeah, yeah, he-he did stay home that day.

And-and he sent them those beautiful matching jumpsuits.

I hope you know what you're doing, Jennifer.

This is serious business.

Good afternoon, Mr. Flaherty.

Is there a problem?

I'm afraid there is.

Dr. Hewitt, you know Jennifer Keaton.

- Of course. - She's about to do

her book report on Huckleberry Finn.

Jennifer, are you aware that district policy

does not allow us to discuss that book in the classroom?

Yes, I am, Dr. Hun.

Dr. Hewitt. Um...

But I don't think it's right.

Well, you are certainly entitled to your opinion,

but as long as you're a student in this school,

you have to abide by school regulations.

If you have a problem with a particular policy,

I suggest you take it up with the Board of Education.

Mr. Flaherty, why don't we give Jennifer time

to find another suitable book

and give her report in the near future?

No!

This is the book report I'm going to give.

As Dante once said,

"The hottest places in hell are reserved for those

who, in times of moral crisis, remain neutral."

What does that mean?

I think she's just making conversation.

So, in conclusion,

this is one of the best books I've ever read.

I recommend it to everyone in this class.

And I leave you with this question to ponder.

Is Yogi Berra related to Yogi Bear?

And if so, how?

My-my book report is about Huckleberry Finn.

Jennifer!

Written in 1884,

about 20 years after the Civil War ended,

this book is not only the story of a young man's journey

down the Mississippi, but it's also the story

of America's journey from innocence to maturity.

All right, Andy, we're almost finished.

You know, I asked around.

Other brothers don't do this.

Um, well, you're special.

I know, but the thrill is starting to wear off.

Oh, a little tailoring going on, huh?

Yes. We're almost finished.

Uh-huh.

Need any help?

You can't help. Remember?

Your head's too big.

All right. All right. Just give me this tape measure.

- Oh, Alex... - Just-just a minute.

Just put your finger right there, all right?

- You know what... - Will you? Come on!

Swelled head check, Alex?

All right. All right.

Listen, you guys are my parents.

Help me out on this one.

Is my head too big for my body?

A little.

All right. Okay, let me tell you something.

Maybe all of your heads

are just a little too small for your bodies.

Huh? You ever think of that?

- Hi. - Hi.

- What...? - What-what happened?

Did-did you read from your Huck Finn report?

I did it.

We are so proud of you, Jen.

That took a great deal of courage.

And now my only hope is that you have

the tuition money to pay for private school

'cause that's definitely where I'm headed.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Hey, what happened?

Come on, hey... don't kid around, now.

Private school is expensive.

Well, when Mr. Flaherty found out

that I was doing my report on Huck Finn,

he had to call down to the principal, Dr. Hewitt.

She warned me not to do it.

When I did it anyway, she took my pages away.

- She what? - What?

She confiscated your book report?

Yeah. I-I'm not even going to have a chance to be graded.

Not graded?

Jen, you get all the breaks.

Mal, uh, I-I don't...

I don't think you understand the implications of this.

No one should have the right to tell you

what you should or should not read.

Yeah, Mal, come on.

How would you like it if someone came

into the Grant College Library and...

took the book out?

Well, I'm sure they had very good reasons

for what they were doing.

Well, Mal, I don't think any of these are good reasons.

Uh, banning The Diary of Anne Frank

because it treated all religions equally?

Banning Mice and Men because of vulgarity?

- Banning Cosmopolitan... - What?

Why?

Cosmopolitan because it deals explicitly

with sexual issues.

The swine!

Why aren't we doing something about this?

We're going to, Mal.

We're going to call other parents, organize.

We're not going to back down from this.

This is a question of free speech.

The Supreme Court said that.

Well, actually, what the court said...

was that the defendant school board

had violated students' rights in...

in censoring books from the school library.

Thus the question becomes whether the, uh...

the discretion of the school board

to make curricular decisions is impeded in any way

by First Amendment considerations.

I told you, I know everything.

Maybe that's why your head's so big.

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Uh, yes, yes, we're...

we're very proud of her ourselves.

Thank you.

Uh... well, I'll let her know.

That was, uh, Tricia Willis's father,

just saying he heard what you did in class,

and the Willises are behind it 100%.

Jennifer, you are a regular celebrity.

I'm so proud of you.

Hey, maybe Dad can do one of his boring documentaries on you.

I-I mean "boring" in the...

in the best, most interesting sense of the word.

- Hello, Alex. - Mr. Flaherty. How are you?

I haven't seen you in a long time.

Has your head gotten bigger?

Good to see you, Mr. Flaherty.

- Hello. - Oh, hi, Mr. Flaherty.

We heard what happened this afternoon.

I-I can't begin to tell you how aggravated and upset we are.

I'm not thrilled with the way things went, either.

But I just wanted to tell you

how proud you should be of your daughter.

She really handled herself beautifully

in a very difficult, sensitive situation.

Thank you, Mr. Flaherty.

That's good to hear anyway.

I also wanted to tell you

I got your book report back from Dr. Hewitt.

I think it's the finest report

on Huckleberry Finn I've ever read.

Sorry, Alex.

This was better.

Well, at least it stays in the family.

That's why it really hurts to tell you that...

I have to fail you on the report, Jennifer.

Why?

Because, as far as the school board is concerned,

Huckleberry Finn doesn't exist.

Yeah, I'm sure Mark Twain would be thrilled to hear that.

Technically,

if the book isn't officially recognized,

there's no book report.

I can't believe it.

I'm going to fail.

Hey, hey, hey, listen.

No Keaton has ever failed English.

Well, I...

No more Keatons are going to fail English.

Well, unfortunately, the failing isn't the worst of it.

Dr. Hewitt has said that unless Jennifer

chooses to do another book report

and stops defying the rules of the school,

she's going to be suspended.

Uh...

Well, I'm not backing down.

Okay.

Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.