Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ I bet we've been together for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la. ♪

I got it!

Quick, open it up before Mom gets in here!

Hey, hey, what's going on?

Jennifer opened the cereal.

I couldn't stop her.

Now, look, there's a perfectly good box of cereal in there.

Why do you have to open a new one?

To find the clue.

What clue?

The clue to the "Find the Colonel Crackle" contest.

I don't care about that; this is food.

You just don't waste it.

What contest?

Mom, Colonel Crackle is lost somewhere in Ohio,

and in every box, there's a different clue

to his whereabouts.

If you find him,

you call the Crackle Hotline and win $5,000.

Let me see that.

So, the clue is somewhere inside the box?

Hey, hey, Mom! Mom! Mom!

Don't you think you're a little old

to be fighting over a prize in a cereal box?

See, Colonel Crackle cereal's having a contest.

It's kind of fun.

Mom, remember who you're talking to.

I'm 21 years old. I'm a senior in college.

I couldn't care less about some cereal contest.

You can win $5,000.

Stop!

Now, how about this for a solution?

We can all help find Colonel Crackle,

and then when we do find him, we will share the prize.

What, you mean we got to split it four ways?

Look, pal, we only had to split it three ways

till you came through the door.

All right, all right, okay, we'll split it four ways,

but that's it, all right?

- We don't tell anybody else about this. - No.

Hey, what's going on?

Oh, nothing, Mal, nothing at all,

nothing at all.

Hey, what's new in the world of knitwear?

- Hey. - Hey, Dad, have you heard

that Colonel Crackle is missing?

And I never really got a chance to say good-bye.

Hey, Dad, have you no respect

for Colonel Crackle lore?

A colonel that meets 100% of the minimum daily requirements

of vitamins A through E?

A colonel that remains crunchy even in milk?

Exciting as that may be, I have some news

from the non-cereal world that may interest you.

There's a job opening up at the station.

Oh, Dad. I'm so happy.

You're leaving public television!

Oh, it is a wise, wise decision.

Alex, it's not my job that's open.

Why do you tease me like that?

It's an intern position.

An opportunity for the right young person

to work at the station and really learn the ropes.

That sounds great, Steven.

Do you have anyone in mind for the job?

Well, as a matter of fact, I do: Mallory.

What?!

What did... what did I do?

Well, I think it's a great idea.

Alex worked at the station. He loved it.

Didn't you?

Absolutely.

The finest experience I've ever had.

- I highly recommend it. - See?

All right.

We know Crackle is out there.

We know he's somewhere in the downtown Cleveland area.

The question is where. Damn!

All right, Jen, read that... read that last clue again.

"At 2:00 p.m. last Saturday, Colonel Crackle was seen

"at a Cleveland cafe with his cereal sister,

"Molly Oats and Fiber.

"Molly ate four containers of strawberry yogurt

"and handed Colonel Crackle a key.

He fled."

This tells us nothing.

No, Jen.

No, no, this tells us a lot.

This tells us that Crackle has a sister...

and that she's health-conscious.

Is Colonel Crackle a real person?

Well, uh, not exactly, Andy.

Then how are we supposed to find him if he doesn't exist?

Let's not get philosophical here, all right?

- Dad's not in here, is he? - No, he's upstairs.

- I can go and get him for you. - No. No. No.

If I see him, he's gonna try and bring up that PBS thing again.

He won't take no for an answer.

He's been going at it for hours.

I haven't even had a chance to eat. I'm starving.

Elyse, this is a chance Mallory shouldn't miss.

Every time an opportunity like this comes up, she qui...

Oh, come on, you guys are really making a mess

with this Crackle business.

Come on, guys, let's go upstairs and check out the Crackle map.

It's in my room.

All right, let's call Skippy.

We'll find out how he's doing with Crackle's dental records

and his hair analysis.

Elyse, I really think Mallory could benefit

by working down at the station with me.

I don't know, Steven.

I was surprised you even offered her the job.

I would think it's the last place she'd want to work.

Elyse, I'm not blind.

I realize there could be some problems

with having Mallory work at the station,

but I think it's worth the risk.

Uh, where's the mayonnaise?

It's in there.

Now, I realize this job doesn't fall

into what we'd normally call her area,

but how do we really know what her area is?

She's at an age where she could go

in a lot of different directions.

Uh, I just think this could be an opportunity to grow.

Where is the mayonnaise?

Well, I think we have to look at it

from her point of view.

You know, we've had this discussion before.

Fashion is what she loves.

She may be unsure now,

but I think she'll learn a lot from this experience.

Maybe-maybe I'm wrong, but I think I have

a very good sense of where Mallory is at.

What I don't know is where the mayonnaise is.

Oh, I'll get another one.

Mom, look. We both have mayonnaise.

Dad, where's your jar?

Mallory, where did you come from?

I came from outside.

Somebody must have left this in the driveway.

Well, there it is. Enjoy it. I'll be in my room.

Wait a minute. We never finished our conversation.

Really? I thought we had.

Uh, I'll leave you two alone.

So, um... Mal, have you given any more thought

to, uh, working at the station?

I have, Dad.

And?

I just don't know, Dad.

I don't want to pressure you at all.

Whatever you decide will be fine with me.

I-I just don't know, Dad.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you come down to the station

for a day, just give it a try?

I don't know, Dad.

It's a wonderful opportunity, Mal.

This thing could open up a whole new world for you.

I don't know, Dad.

And I'd be so proud to have you there with me.

I just think you'd be terrific at this.

I don't know, Dad.

Great!

Oh, Mal, this is going to be fabulous!

I don't know, Dad.

Well, madam, according to our records,

you pledged $150 during the last pledge drive,

and we haven't received it yet.

Well, could you tell us when it might be coming?

Well, then you're not gonna get your tote bag.

Don't worry about it, Mallory.

I mean, over the years, we've found that, uh,

20% of our so-called patrons...

Just plain liars.

And we're running out of tote bags anyhow.

So, how's it going?

I don't know, Gus. I mean, to tell you the truth,

part of me is really bored being here

and part of me thinks it's a mistake and...

and part of me is determined to do the best job I can do and...

well, part of me just wants to go shopping.

Now, there's a beautiful sight.

My oldest daughter with her shoes on my lunch.

Sorry, Dad.

No, no. I don't mind a bit.

It's great to walk into my office

and see your smiling face.

Oh, well, what about my smiling face, Steve?

Don't you start competing with Mallory, now, Gus.

You're beautiful in your own way.

Aw...

Keep up the good work, now, Mallory.

"Good work"? I like the sound of that.

You know, he doesn't say that to everybody.

Good work, Steve.

Thank...

So, how's it going?

Are you enjoying yourself?

Is it everything you hoped it would be?

Well, I got to talk on the phone a little.

I like that.

You know, Mal, my two greatest loves

are my family... and my work here at the station.

Having you here brings those two worlds together.

I couldn't be happier.

I'm glad.

Hey, come here.

I got a surprise for you.

Something that will make you happy

and very excited.

I don't have to work here anymore?

Come on! Oh, Mal!

Look, look, I know you're not completely sold on this yet,

but I also know that when you're faced with a challenge,

you accept it, you can do it.

You rise to the occasion!

Not always.

Most of the time.

Not now.

I've come up with a special assignment for you.

I think you're really gonna like it.

Is it about fashion? Because I can do a great job

- if it's about fashion. - Oh, no, no,

you already know everything about fashion.

I think it's time for you to, uh, branch out

and really try something different.

- Beauty tips? - No.

You're going to work with me.

- Wha...? - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I want you to write some copy for a short segment

of Ohio in Review.

It's a show about what's going on in Ohio

from, uh, political news to human interest stories.

I'm flattered, Dad, but I've never even seen the show.

What are you talking about? We watch it all the time.

It's on Sundays at 4:00

after Animals, Animals, Everywhere Animals.

Oh, Ohio in Review.

I love that show.

We're going to work on it together!

You behind the scenes, me on camera.

Keatons, Keatons, Everywhere Keatons.

All right, now...

these dots trace the colonel's path...

since he was discovered missing.

Can we end this soon, Alex? I have a life to lead.

This is a little more important than you might think.

Now, the colonel is out here somewhere...

in the middle of nowhere,

and he's cold and he is hungry.

How can he be hungry?

He's made of cereal.

Now, we know he is definitely in the Columbus area.

Uh, Mom, Mom, you... you able to help us out on this?

Look, I have more important things to do, if you don't mind.

I'd like to work in peace.

Sorry, sorry. All right, Jen...

read me the next clue.

"On the corner with the tree that cries,

"the sweetest birthday wins the prize.

Sincerely, the Colonel."

A tree that cries. Hmm.

When would a tree cry?

If he saw E.T.

A tree that cries. A tree that cries.

Weeping willow.

Jen, quick! Look up weeping willow on the map.

I found it, Alex. There's a Willow Street.

You're a genius, Mom.

All right, all right, I gave you a clue.

Do me a favor... Take this in the other room.

Oh, come on, Mom. Don't bail out on us now.

Forget about this architecture stuff, okay?

You got a chance to win five grand here.

Alex.

Mom. Okay, now, the next part of the clue is,

"Sweetest birthday wins the prize."

Sweetest birthday wins the prize.

Alex, please, will you...?

Come on. Sweetest birthday, Mom.

- Come on. Come on, Ma, Mommy! - I...

Come on, sweetest birthday, Mom.

- Come on. - Sweet... sweet 16!

Jen, quick, uh, uh, Willow and 16th!

That's it! We found it!

Oh, quick!

Call the Crackle Hotline!

Oh, what's the number? What's the number?

Uh, I don't know. It's on the cereal box!

- Where's the cereal box? - Uh, it's in the kitchen!

- Where's the kitchen? - Over there! Go! Go! Go!

Mal?

Yeah, Dad.

Where are you going?

Nowhere. I was... I was stretching.

We've still got a lot of work to do.

Oh, good, good.

I-I was afraid we were just going to do those nine hours.

Come on. We've just scratched the surface.

Now, here, uh, take this, uh... take this folder.

Now, uh, let's, uh... let's look over, uh,

the areas we want to cover.

Now, I-I know I definitely want to touch on, uh, uh,

Congressman Willeck's trip to the Persian Gulf.

What approach do you think we should take?

A fashion approach.

Yeah, yeah, fashion does have its place,

but there are some things more important

than color coordination.

After all, there's a war going on.

Dad, do you ever stop to think

that maybe if the world were color-coordinated

there'd be no more wars?

After all, when colors clash, men are soon to follow.

Well, okay, you write a little, um, uh, fashion prospective,

and I'll see if I can fit it in the report.

Um, okay.

Yeah, uh-huh.

How can that be a Crackle Hotline

if the line is always busy?

I mean, what would happen

if someone had an actual Crackle crisis?

Alex, I'm so glad you're here.

I'm going completely nuts working with Dad at the station.

It is a disaster.

"I told you so" is such an ugly phrase.

All right, give me the details.

Alex, I am so bored down there.

I feel like I've entered one of Dad's documentaries.

Like... like, at any moment,

I'm going to be shot with a tranquilizer gun,

tagged, weighed and shipped to a wildlife preserve.

Well, maybe you'll turn up

on Animals, Animals, Everywhere Animals.

All right, look, uh, Mal, why don't you just quit?

Oh, I can't do that.

It means the world to Dad that I'm working there.

He's so proud of me.

He keeps calling staff meetings to introduce me.

I've met Gus 80 times.

All right, well, then, look at it this way, okay?

I had to go through it, now you have to go through it.

I mean, it's a fact of life,

growing up in the Keaton household.

I mean, right now, Jen is working on her segment

of Ohio in Review.

So, just hang with it, and-and sooner or later,

your basic incompetence will shine through.

I sure hope so.

Gus, have you seen Mallory?

Uh, yeah. She's in the control room.

- She should be down here in a minute. - Oh.

I tell you, Elyse, I'm getting a little worried.

- About Mallory? - No.

About me.

Now, if you and Steven keep shipping your offspring

down here to the station, I got the feeling

I'm going to find myself out of a job.

Oh, you know, Elyse, one day this little girl

is going to work at this station, too.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I'm packing my bags.

Hello? Hello, operator. Yeah.

I'm-I'm trying to get through to the Crackle Hotline.

B-But the line is always busy.

Oh, I... oh, you're trying to call, too?

Oh, really?

Well, where do you think he is?

The telephone operator thinks

that Colonel Crackle is under a bus in Dayton.

We're going to be rich!

Uh, you better hurry, Mallory.

We're going to go in about two minutes.

Yeah, I'm ready. I just got to set this stuff up.

- Hey, how's my partner? - Fine. Fine.

I did everything you said.

I've got all the copy right here,

and I put all the cassettes in the control room.

Great, great. Way to go, Mal.

All right, Steven, I need you onstage now.

All right. No, no. Crackle.

C-R-A-C-K-L-E.

Crackle.

Come on.

- No. Crackle. - Alex, come over here. Alex.

WKS proudly presents Ohio in Review.

Colonel Crackle! C-R-A...

- Come on. - C-K-L...

Hello and welcome.

I'm the general manager of WKS, Steven Crackle.

I...

That's, um, Steven "Crackle" Keaton.

Welcome to Ohio in Review.

At the top of Ohio happenings tonight,

the Dayton Drive-Through Lion Safari

celebrated its fifth anniversary this week,

and a huge crowd was on hand to see monkeys, baboons

and the like strut their stuff for children of all ages.

And Congressman Jim Willeck returned

from his recent fact-finding mission

to the war-torn region of the Persian Gulf.

The four-term congressman was dressed

in a lovely chiffon gown

with diamanté shoulder straps by Galanos.

He was?

I'm sorry, Dad.

It must have gotten mixed up with that...

- with that fashion report... - Yeah, that's all right.

I was... I was working on.

- Yeah, here. - Here. Okay, go ahead.

Hi, Mom.

- I'm over here. - Oh, hi.

Willeck reported that the Iranian leadership

repeated their demands for a cease-fire with Iraq.

These included free passage through the Straits of Hormuz,

an embargo on Iraqi oil products

and a pair of sling-back, open-toed shoes

for tomorrow night's dance.

I'm sorry, Dad.

No, it's okay. Let's-let's roll the videotape.

In national news, the president, at a press conference today,

stated that he and other government officials

were hard at work trying to cut down on defense spending.

- He also said... - Dad.

Not-not now. Not now, honey.

The president emphasized that the huge federal deficit,

while troublesome, was something we can't run away from.

The key, he said, was to try to ride it out.

Dad, I made a mistake.

I think they're showing the wrong videotape.

Mm-hmm. What?

This just in.

Monkeys, monkeys, everywhere monkeys.

Dad, just go to a commercial.

We don't have a commercial. We...

Can I just use this phone?

Alex, please.

Crackle! C-R-A-C-K-L-E!

I'm going to go up to put, uh... put Andy to bed.

- I'll check on Mallory, too. - Good idea.

I'm just going to use the phone.

Alex, don't you think

you're being a little insensitive?

Jennifer, we're talking about $5,000 here.

Make the call.

Yeah, at last! It's ringing! It's ringing!

Hello! Hello.

I would like your complete and undivided attention.

My name is Alex P. Keaton.

Colonel Crackle is in downtown Columbus

on the corner of Willow and...

What...?

I beg your pardon?

That's impossible.

Really?

I see. I see.

Alex, what's the matter?

Colonel Crackle was found under a bus in Dayton.

By a telephone operator.

My God, is he all right?

Mallory's door is locked.

She won't come down.

Hey.

You seem to be taking it awfully hard, Alex.

It's okay. Hey, it's okay.

The job just... just wasn't right for her.

A telephone operator.

Yeah, maybe she could do that.

Mom, what should we tell Mallory about the show?

I mean, should we tell her we liked it?

We should just tell her the truth, honey.

Oh, Mom, come on. It was embarrassing.

It was humiliating.

And it-it was...

it was the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

- That is true. Yeah. - Yeah, I believe that, I do.

Hey, loved it, Mal.

That was the finest piece of tele-journalism

- I have ever seen. - It's certainly

- new ground down at... - Thought that, too.

- I'm sending out for transcripts. - Stunning.

You're all very nice, but I know what it was...

A complete disaster.

Well, I'm afraid you're right on the money there, yeah.

Telephone operator.

I'm so sorry, Dad.

I mean, I-I swear I tried my best,

but I was just in way over my head, and I apologize.

I thought you were doing great!

If it was too much for you, why didn't you come to me?

Why didn't you say so?

Oh, I'd go to work every day,

and you were so happy I was there

and so proud of every little thing I did.

And there I was going through the motions,

and not really knowing what I was doing.

Except that I was doing it for you.

And I didn't want to let you down.

I think I'm the one who let you down.

I pushed you into areas... you didn't want to go.

Areas you shouldn't go.

I'm sorry.

I really ruined your show.

- No. - I hope your ratings don't drop.

Fortunately, Mal, that's completely impossible.

I love you so much, honey.

I just want the whole world to open up for you,

to see you go and do things that...

I didn't have a chance to do.

I don't know. Maybe every father feels that way.

But I am doing things I want, Dad,

and I'm doing things I never thought I'd do.

I'm going to college. You and Mom gave me that.

Good.

And even though I'll never, never, ever work

at your station again,

I've learned from you the value of work,

but it has to be my kind of work.

- Okay. - Okay.

It was really nice having you down there.

I loved seeing you so much.

It was nice for me, too.

So, it wasn't all bad, huh?

Some parts you liked?

Sure.

Yes.

Well... oh, I don't know.

Maybe, uh, you know, under...

under better circumstances, it, uh...

You know, maybe if, uh, Jennifer were down there

helping you and Alex. Alex, too, Andy.

You know, maybe if you all worked there at the same time...

I don't know, Dad.

Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.