Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ I bet we've been together for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby, without us? ♪

♪ Sha-la-la-la. ♪

- Hey, hon. - Hi, sweetheart. Good morning.

Did you, uh, creep out of bed at 3:00 this morning

or was I dreaming?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to waken you. I...

had a good idea for the Hammond Building,

and I wanted to go down and work on it.

Elyse, that's the fourth night in a row

you've gone down to work on that.

Wouldn't it be easier to bring the Hammond Building

into bed with us?

I went down... to add glass panels to the lobby.

It's done, Steven. I have finished it.

Oh, am I glad to hear that!

- Congratulations! - Thank you.

I've missed you.

I've missed you, too.

You know, if you keep that up,

you're gonna become fused at the lips.

You're gonna have to be separated surgically,

and I don't think Blue Cross covers that.

Good morning.

- Good morning. Great news, Alex. - Good morning, honey.

Your mother's finished the Hammond Building.

Oh, great, Mom, just minutes before it finished us.

Well, I know it's been a struggle for everybody lately,

but I want you to know

everything's gonna lighten up from now on.

Ah, yeah, well, we've heard that before, Mom.

Somehow I-I feel there are bigger and more time-consuming

Hammond Buildings lurking out there in our future.

I feel other buildings lurking out there, too.

No, no, now, take a look. See?

According to my daily planner... Huh?

Week at a Glance...

Month at a Glance.

You know, Alex, you might enjoy one of these.

Oh, no, Mommy, that's not for me.

No, I need Decade at a Glance.

- Hi. -STEVEN: Hey, gang. - Hey.

- I brushed my teeth. -STEVEN: All right. - Good for you.

Yeah, with my toothbrush.

Well, at least he brushed.

Next time use Mallory's brush, okay?

No, I used hers to clean my ant farm.

Steven, can you pick up Andy after school today?

Oh, I can't today, hon. Anyway, it's your turn, isn't it?

Well, yeah, but I have that A.S.A. luncheon,

and I really don't want to miss it.

I've got a big budget meeting today down at the station.

- PBS budget meeting? - Mm-hmm.

What do they do there? They just, like,

throw loose change on the floor?

Everybody dives for it?

I could cancel it, Elyse.

No, no, it's-it's my responsibility.

Alex, could you pick him up?

I have midterms, Mom.

And, uh... although it boggles the mind,

I actually have to study.

Well, I can't.

My Advanced Fashion class

is going on a Comparative Fabrics field trip.

A Comparative Fabrics field trip?

Yes. We're going shopping.

I got it. At lunchtime, I'll buy a car.

I know how to drive. Alex taught me.

Shh...

Have you been letting him drive?

Once.

In an open field...

on a farm.

Left turn, right turn. Watch out for the cow!

Oh, I got it. I got it.

- Hey. - Hi, Lauren.

Lauren, can I ask you a question?

- It's kind of personal. - Sure, go ahead.

Do you actually like him or...

is this relationship part of a bizarre psychology study?

Well, it's a little of both.

Lauren,

I know I have no right to ask you this,

but could you pick up Andy after school today?

Oh, you have every right to ask, Mrs. Keaton,

but I have appointments scheduled all afternoon.

I'm sorry.

Join the club.

I just feel so guilty. There's so much to do,

and there's not enough time to do it in.

You really shouldn't feel guilty.

You know, a confident, loving mother like you is gonna

- bring up a happy, well-adjusted child. - Mm-hmm.

Worked for me.

Well, it's just a theory.

There he is, the sweetest little boy in the world

and no one can pick him up from school,

so he says, "That's okay, everybody's done enough...

I'll just stay at school."

- Oh. - Oh.

Well, enjoy it while you can, Elyse,

because before you know it,

they'll all be grown up and out of the house.

Well, I wish they'd hurry up about it.

I-I don't really mean that.

Sometimes things get so out of hand, I want to scream.

Go ahead and scream.

A good loud scream would really pep things up around here.

Hey, Doris. Nice outfit.

You fill it well. Don't you think so, Elyse?

What's the matter, girls? Can't you take a compliment?

Norback, Jenkins & St. Clair... and Keaton.

Oh! Hello, Mr. Norback.

Y-You're coming in loud and clear, sir.

Where are you?

You're downstairs in the garage.

Yes, sir. Yes, she's right here.

I'll tell her.

Happy parking, sir.

He wants to talk to you, Elyse.

"Something important," he says.

Did he mention me at all?

Well, he did say he had to get gas.

How come she kids around with you and not with me?

She hates you.

And for all the right reasons.

Like what?

Well, you're rude, you're just a little bit pushy...

Slow down. Those are two of my best traits.

- Hello, Mr. Norback. - Doris.

Oh, Carl, good news... The Hammond Building is done.

Well, thank you very much, but I have better news.

Diamond Resorts International... It's ours, the works.

Three high-rises.

Well, congratulations, Carl.

- That's great, Mr. Norback. - Yeah!

Congratulations, Carl!

Who are you?

I'm Jerry.

Jerry who?

Sir, we've been over this before.

I'm Jerry Donello.

Uh, what line of work are you in there, Jerry?

This is great news about Diamond Resorts.

- Uh... it's very exciting. - It sure is.

Now, when can you start?

- Me? - Yes.

Congratulations, Elyse, it's yours.

Me? Oh, no!

You, oh, yes.

Carl, I-I don't have time for a project of this magnitude.

Of course, if Elyse can't handle this, sir,

I am available.

Jerry, sir.

Jerry Donello?

Come on. I'll take you to the luncheon.

Then we'll go meet the Diamond family.

They're very decent people.

In fact, I must admit...

I love 'em.

Boy, this looks like a great opportunity.

- I don't know how I could pass this up. - Now you're talking.

Elyse? Elyse, it's for you. Andrew's school.

Oh, oh, uh...

Hello. Speaking.

Well, my husband was gonna pick him u...

I'll be right there.

Nobody has picked up Andrew. He's just sitting there!

I... I've got to go. I'm s...

All right, you want to see loop the loop?

- Yeah. - Yeah. Mm-hmm. Hey.

Hey, Dad, you have talent!

Andy, are you all right? I'm sorry.

I'm fine, Mommy. It was just a learning experience.

Well, I'm really glad to see you.

- Both of you. - Yes.

Mrs. Nelson gave me a yo-yo.

You want to see loop the loop?

Well, yeah, go ahead.

- Show her, Dad. - Yeah.

Hey.

Yeah, that's great, Steven.

Look, uh, I went down to the school,

and they said they called you and you came and picked him up.

Now, I was so worried I just came home.

And here we are.

Well, Steven, I thought you were planning

on picking him up today.

I-I thought you were. It's okay. It's fine.

We're all here.

- That's right. You're right. Hey. - ALEX: Hey.

Hey.

Alex, who said they were picking up Andy today,

me or your dad?

It's not important, Elyse.

Of course, it's important! We left him at school.

Oh, I-I think you said you were gonna pick him up.

Oh, really?

Well, we're all here. That's what counts.

That's right. And we'll never have another mix-up

- like that again, Andy. - Thanks, Dad.

Yeah. You see, your mom and I have both

been pretty busy lately,

but that's gonna lighten up a little.

Uh, first of all,

I had a big budget meeting today and it went great.

You guys were able to make change for that dollar?

Secondly, your mother has finished the Hammond Building,

and things are gonna lighten up a little for her, too.

Yeah, Mom, how did Norback like the Hammond Building?

- He loved it. - Ah, great.

That's great, honey.

And, uh, actually, as a kind

of reward, uh, he offered me

the Diamond Resorts International account.

Three high-rises.

I said yes.

Really?

That's... that's great, Mom.

And, uh, here I thought things were going to, uh,

lighten up for you, but, uh, that's how it goes.

Andy, why don't you go on upstairs

and play for a little bit, huh?

Okay, but let me know how this turns out.

Okay.

Okay, we know we've got a problem here.

Let's just try and deal with it in a reasonable manner.

I'm nothing if not reasonable.

So what do you want me to do, quit?!

That's reasonable.

No, I don't want you to quit.

You want someone to quit? You quit.

I don't want to quit!

Wait, wait, wait.

Which one of you makes more money?

What difference does that make?

Well, because the other one should quit.

Alex, please. Nobody's quitting.

Let me look at your tax returns.

I mean it. I can help,

and it'll bring us closer together.

Look, Elyse, I-I'm very happy for you. I truly am.

I-It's a marvelous opportunity.

But, uh...

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little disappointed.

Why, fine. Then-then I'll quit. I'll give it all up.

I mean, that's what you're saying,

is that that's really what you want, isn't it?

Elyse, please, you're overtired.

You don't mean what you're saying.

No, no, it's-it's fine with me. I'll quit.

If that's what you want, you got it.

We will turn the clock back.

We'll go back to the '50s.

- I... - Don't say a word, Dad.

This is a magical moment. Let's savor it.

Let's hold hands.

I'm not asking that of you, Elyse.

- That's not an answer for us. - I don't mind.

Let's-let's go back to the fabulous '50s.

I'll put my hair in a beehive,

and I'll wear a little string of pearls

and a little poodle skirt

and I'll cook and I'll clean

and when you come home from work,

I'll just step out of my hula hoop

and I'll serve you up a spectacular dinner,

and you can tell me everything that happened in the real world!

I'd love that.

I'd do that for you.

Well, fine.

It's settled.

Did you guys hear Mom and Dad arguing last night?

Oh, I wouldn't say they were arguing.

What's going on?

What are they fighting about?

Well, Andy, what we're dealing with here

is a very complex male-female issue.

I know that much, Alex.

See, in the beginning all was well.

There was harmony, there was balance.

You know, man was the hunter, the provider, the protector.

And woman stayed home, you know, took care of the babies,

cooked and cleaned.

Got an occasional facial.

Here it comes: the latest installment

of "The World According to Alex P. Keaton."

I thought we cancelled our subscription.

It just keeps coming anyway.

All I'm doing here is presenting the facts

and that sexual lines have become blurred.

People are confused, and...

and if you ask me, it all started

with the first woman who went out and got a job...

Joan of Arc.

Alex, really, these revisionist history lessons

should be against the law.

Look, if Joan had just stayed home with her hubby, Mr. Arc...

you know, baked him a couple of quiches,

maybe she wouldn't have been baked herself.

You know, Alex, when we were smaller,

we had to listen to this.

But we don't have to listen anymore.

Come on, Mal, we can take him.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Come on, try it.

Put him in that headlock. Put him in that headlock!

Oh, great, Alex, hide behind your girlfriend.

Well, look at you, you-you big brave girls.

Two against one.

What's going on?

Alex was just explaining to us

how the first woman to get a job brought down the world.

The Joan of Arc story.

- I'm just trying to make a point. - Mm-hmm.

What point is that?

My, you all look lovely today.

- Hi there, hi. - Hi!

You guys have a good night's fight... uh, sleep?

I-I just want you to know that I'm aware

of what you guys have been going through.

I feel a little guilty about this.

I realize the past few months

I haven't been the greatest mom in the world.

Oh, Mom, don't say that.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

You're a great mom.

You've been a wonderful mom...

Mrs. Keaton.

And-and if working makes you happy,

well, it makes us happy, too.

Thanks for your support, it really means a lot to me.

Oh, by the way, I'm free this afternoon,

so I can pick up Andy if it's a problem.

Oh, thank you, Lauren, that's really sweet of you,

but Mr. Keaton and I worked out a very interesting plan.

Andy, uh, your dad's gonna pick you up from school today,

and then guess what he's gonna do with you?

Lose me?

No!

No, no, I'm going to bring you to Mommy's office,

and then you can help Mommy with her architecture

- all afternoon. - Yeah.

Isn't it enough that she works?

I want you to know that I'm really gonna work hard

to make this situation work out.

I mean, it's-it's gonna be tough, and there'll be

a lot of demands on me, on my time and my energy,

but I can handle it.

I know I can.

It will be tough, but I'm still your mother.

And I still love you very much.

And I'll always be there for you.

Well, I've got to go.

I'm really excited that Andy's coming.

He should be here any minute.

You know, Elyse, um, I'm glad your kid's coming and all that,

but, um, I have to admit something to you.

I'm not that crazy about kids.

I want kids...

but I'm not that crazy about them.

Don't have any.

Oh, no, I want a big family.

- Jerry? - What?

You ought to lie down on a couch

and have someone drill directly into your skull.

Oh, really? What good would that do?

It would kill you.

- Hey, gang, how you doing? - Oh, there they are.

Yeah, we stopped for ice cream.

Oh, did you really?

It was chocolate.

I've got to go.

Um, he's a little tired. I think he needs a nap.

Hey, he can sleep on my desk. I'm not using it.

Well, I'm off.

I'd love to hang around and design a bridge with you,

but, uh, I don't know how to.

- See you later. - Bye.

- Bye-bye, Andy. - Hey.

So, how's my boy?

I want to go home.

Well, I did know that a sweet little boy

was coming to play here,

so I got you...

some clay.

You want to make something out of clay?

- Yeah! - Great.

Finished.

Well, what is it?

It's a pelican.

Let's go home.

Oh, honey... we can't go home now.

May-Maybe I can play a little something with you.

What would you like to play?

Follow the leader.

That-that's a great idea.

Can Uncle Jerry play?

Everybody can play, but I go first.

- Okay. - Great.

Yay!

Oh, Andy...

Hi, Carl.

Elyse, this is Roger Diamond,

Diamond International Resorts.

Elyse Keaton, the architect I was telling you about.

How do you do?

Quite well, thank you.

You play an excellent follow the leader.

That's, uh, my secretary, Doris Cameron.

- Hi there. - Hi.

And, uh...

Jerry, sir! Jerry Donello.

And this is my son, Andrew.

This is Mr. Diamond and Mr. Norback, my boss.

Hi.

Could you please fire Mom? We need her at home.

"So, Butchie and Tom climbed over the fence

"and started down the road to the lake.

"They knew that Mr. Peabody would be there

"and he'd let them use his boat.

"They walked along kicking at the pebbles

"and breathing the soft summer air,

knowing for certain that they'd always be friends."

The end.

How was that?

The best story I ever heard.

Good.

Any questions?

Yes. Who's picking me up at school?

Your dad and I will figure that one out.

No mix-ups?

No mix-ups. Give me big kiss.

Daddy and I'll be up to tuck you in in a bit, okay?

Put on your pajamas!

No sleeping in your baseball uniform again.

Well, how's it going?

Hi, sweetheart. I don't know.

Every time I look at the drawings,

all I see is Andy's face, and all I hear is Andy's voice,

saying, "Please fire my mommy. We need her at home."

I can't help it, I just feel guilty.

Hey, I do, too.

But it's not the same for you, Steven. It's not.

I gave birth to those kids.

Well, I did, too.

That's not the way I remember it.

Okay, I didn't actually give birth to them.

But, uh... if I could have, I would have.

I believe you.

You know, it's not fair, Steven.

We're-we're both parents, and we're both working

but no one ever asks you, "Steven, how do you handle

a-a-a family and a career?"

I mean, it's not a question anyone ever asks a man.

That's one of the great things about being a man.

But-but that's the kind of question

a woman is supposed to have to answer.

And the crazy thing is, I-I agree with it.

You can't escape this, Elyse.

We're-we're still partly a product of our own childhood,

when men worked and women

stayed home.

Jennifer, Mallory and Alex are really the first generation

to grow up without any preconceived sexual stereotypes.

Well, maybe it will be the next generation.

I-I don't know what to do, Steven.

There is just too much going on, you know?

I... I-I can't handle it.

How many places can I be at one time?

How many things can I do?

How many hands do I have?

I mean, I'm not an octopus. Maybe I am an oct...

I don't even know if I'm an octopus or not!

Mom's flipping out.

I'm not flipping out.

Let me tell you something else, Mom.

You're not an octopus.

You're a woman, and you're a darn fine one.

Thank you, Alex. It's all right.

I'm just a little overwrought.

Overloaded.

Mom, then why don't you do what the phone company does?

When you've had enough, make this announcement:

"I'm sorry, but all my circuits are overloaded at this time.

"Please call back after 6:00 p.m.,

or when all the kids have moved out of the house."

Does anybody want to kiss me good night?

All right, buddy.

- I'm gonna kiss you... - Here we are!

Something I really do worry about, Steven.

What's that?

How's Andy gonna look back on these years?

I mean, when I think back on my childhood,

the... the memories that mean the most to me,

the ones that are most comforting, are of my mother.

Well, like the summer when I was seven,

I had the chicken pox.

I... I was miserable.

I... I was itchy and scratchy, and I was watching

all these other kids go to the lake to swim.

But my mother stayed home with me,

and she made a... a magical place just for the two of us.

Oh, she made a cave with blankets and pillows,

and she brought in lemonade and sandwiches, and...

we pretended that we were castaways

stranded on some island in the South Pacific.

We called it Donnelly Island.

I'd like to visit it sometime.

Am I making any memories like that for Andrew?

I mean... years from now, what is he going to remember?

His mommy's office?

His mommy's blueprints?

Where's Andy's Donnelly Island?

He has one, Elyse.

Uh, I like to think of it as Keaton Island.

But he does have one.

You see...

it's his childhood, Elyse, not yours.

Andy will have his own memories, and they'll be beautiful ones.

Of, uh, a brother and sisters and friends,

of his dad,

and of his very loving mother.

A woman who is happy, and satisfied at work,

and who brought that happiness home to her children.

I hope so.

We've been lucky with our children, haven't we?

Mm-hmm.

They brought us so much.

They have.

Want to have another one?

Not just yet.

Would you like to just practice some time?

Well, gee, I think I could probably fit you in

right here between 11:00 and 11:05 tomorrow...

I think maybe...

Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.