Original subtitles

Johnny mathis: ♪ I bet We've been together ♪

♪ for a million years ♪

Deniece williams: ♪ and I Bet we'll be together ♪

♪ for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like I Started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed ♪

Both: ♪ and I can't remember ♪

♪ what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby ♪

♪ without us? ♪

♪ what would we do, baby ♪

♪ without us? ♪

♪ and there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ we can't love Each other through ♪

♪ ooh hoo ♪

♪ what would we do, baby ♪

♪ without us? ♪

♪ sha la la la ♪

Jennifer, I told you

I don't want that Computer in the kitchen.

But this is where I Do my homework, dad.

I told her she could Use it in here, honey.

Hey, come on, dad. Computers Are part of our lives now.

Join the eighties.

Join the seventies.

Jennifer, I know you Need it for school,

But, please, use It in another room.

Ok, I'll use it in The living room.

Not the living room! There's already

An electric clock In the living room!

I better go with him.

I don't want him to see That 3-way light bulb I got.

Hey, mal. Hi, alex.

How was your date? Ok?

Fine.

Yeah? What'd you do?

Um, saw that new italian Movie down at the northtown.

Oh, yeah? Did your date Read you the subtitles?

Hey. Hey, mal,

I... I was just kiddin'.

I know you can read.

Alex, this is the sixth Guy I've gone out with

Since I broke up with rick

And the sixth Terrible time I've had.

Well, at least You're consistent.

And then tonight I see Him with marilyn walker.

I mean, how come he can find A girl, and I can't find a guy?

Now, mallory, look, Rick is a very special guy.

He's a... He's warm. He's bright. He's funny.

Guy like that is One in a million.

Ahh, no. I don't...

Mean that he's one in a million.

I mean there are a Million of those guys,

And he's one of 'em.

Alex, is there something Wrong with me?

Let's... Let's try and stay in A more productive area, ok?

Now, uh, let's... Let's try And identify the problem.

Let's look at this logically.

Now, you're crying Because you can't find

A guy you like. Am I right?

It's just...

I feel so alone, alex.

Ok. All right. You're, Uh... You're crying,

And you're alone.

You know, time's Beginning to run out on me.

I'm almost 17.

You're, uh... You're Crying. You're alone,

And you're almost 17.

I think I can help.

You can? How?

Well, uh...

I'll help you find a guy.

You will?

Sure.

Sure. I know a lot of guys,

You know, from college, and...

And maybe I could find The right one for you.

See? Things aren't As bad as you think.

Really? Sure.

Look, mallory, you are A wonderful person,

And... And if you wanna Have a guy to date,

Then you should Have a guy to date,

And I'll find him for you.

Alex, you're really wonderful Sometimes. You know that?

Ahh.

I know.

It's a burden I have to bear.

Wh-what's that?

Well, I'm just showin' you How it can add up numbers.

See? 2 plus 2.

How do we know if it's right?

Hi.

Oh, no, skippy.

Since when have you become Interested in computers?

Are you kidding?

Mr. Keaton, I see The computer as...

A-an unexplored cave that Contains unknown treasures,

Treasures that Ultimately could be the key

To a... A happier, More fulfilling life.

Besides, you can Play pac-man on it.

Uh, th-that reminds me. I don't want this thing

Used for any of those Silly computer games.

It's here as an Educational tool,

And that's it. Please tell jennifer.

Uh, yeah. I will, dad.

Ok. I know it's a Hang-up of mine,

But I hate these modern gadgets.

Where you goin', dad?

The kitchen. I thought I'd Make myself some toast.

Right. Let me know if you need Any help churning the butter.

I...

Uh, pardon me. Mr. Keaton, Uh, may I join you?

I... I happen to be something Of a wizard with toast.

So I've heard, skippy. Come on.

Oh, hi, alex.

Oh, hey, mal. Glad you're here.

I have spent the entire day

Interviewing some of the most Eligible men on the leland campus.

Mal, I think this thing Is gonna work out.

Oh. Listen, alex.

I do appreciate what you're... What you're trying to do,

But let's just forget it, ok?

Wai... Wh-what?

I'm sorry I got all Emotional last night.

I'm really kind of Embarrassed now.

No, no, no. Mal, what Happened last night

Was a... Was a pivotal Event in our relationship.

You opened up to me, and I'm not Gonna turn my back on you now.

It's ok. You don't have To fix me up with anyone.

I already have a Few guys in mind.

Really? Who?

Well, their, uh... Their names And a brief portfolio of each

Are right in here.

Let's open it up and Take a look at 'em.

Ok.

Now I'm gonna ask You a... A few questions,

And I want some honest answers.

Ok. What if I get 'em wrong?

Well, mallory, these are questions About your personal tastes,

Your likes and your dislikes.

Y-you can't get a Wrong answer. Oh, ok.

Ok, now, what is the most important Quality in a man's personality?

Ah, sense of humor.

Wrong.

What?

Aw, come on. Mallory, If sense of humor

Was the most important Quality in a man's personality,

You... You'd be dating Cheech & chong.

Oh. Oh, ok. Um...

Sensitivity.

Sensitivity?

Mallory, I don't know Any sensitive guys.

I insist on sensitivity, Alex. He has to be sensitive.

All right. Ok. All right.

Sensitivity and a Sense of humor.

Ehh. Shudder to think What this guy's gonna be like.

Hey, where's mallory?

Upstairs, I think.

Well, what's she doin' upstairs?

A-alex.

She, uh, shouldn't Keep her date waiting.

Why are you so excited About mallory's date?

Usually you just wait till They leave and then laugh.

Well, mom, that Is going to change.

You mean you're going to Laugh while they're still here?

Tonight, I have Handpicked mallory's date.

What are you talking about?

Well, in an effort To improve the, uh,

Wretched and bleak quality Of mallory's social life,

I've arranged a date for her

With one of the most Eligible men at leland college.

Why are you doing this?

Because mallory is my sister,

I care about her a lot, And I like to see her happy.

How much money's involved?

Oh, steven, give Him a little credit.

He's trying to do Something nice for his sister.

Is it more than $50?

Well?

Steven: oh, you Look beautiful. Ha!

Elyse: stunning, honey.

Hey, wa-wait. Mal. Mallory. Mallory.

I... I thought we had discussed

What you were Gonna wear tonight.

I'm not wearin' that Outfit, alex. That's final.

Wh-what is wrong With that outfit?

That was a fabulous, Feminine outfit.

I spent a whole day At beautiful young miss

Pickin' that out.

Th-the least you Could do is humor me.

I'm not wearing it, alex.

Not even the petticoat?

Look, I'm really Nervous about this.

I don't even know if I Can go through with it.

Ah, come on, mallory. There's Nothin' to be nervous about.

You're gonna like this guy.

You guys have Everything in common.

I don't know.

I do know, mal.

I fed your vital statistics Into this computer...

And I found out you Guys are compatible

In everything from... From breakfast cereals

To positions on Nuclear disarmament.

I don't have a position On nuclear disarmament.

Neither does he.

See? This is the kind Of lack of substance

That great Relationships are built on.

Mallory, look...

You're about to meet The man of your dreams.

Really? Ok? All right?

You're a little nervous, And it's understandable,

But when he gets here,

You just let me handle Everything, all right?

Ok. Ok.

Whup.

Ohh. There he is.

Ok. I got it.

I got it.

Roger. Hey.

Come on in. Thanks, alex.

Hope you didn't have any Trouble finding the place.

No. Thanks for The police escort.

Roger, this is mallory.

Mallory, this is roger sloate.

Hi.

Oh! And, uh, that's my mom,

My dad, and this is jennifer.

It's a pleasure to Meet you, roger.

Nice to meet you, mr. Keaton.

Ok. Hey, enough of The introductions, huh?

Why don't we all sit down and Get a little better acquainted.

I guess...

Guess you two kids have A lot to talk about, huh?

Go ahead. Go ahead.

So alex has told me a Lot about you, mallory.

Only good things, mal.

Heh. Uh, you go To leland, right?

Sophomore.

Engineering major.

Yeah, that's right.

I understand they Have a very fine

Engineering program at leland.

Ma.

Yeah. I enjoy it very Much, mrs. Keaton.

Yeah, yeah. He... He enjoys It very much, mrs... Mom.

Is alex their interpreter?

Yes.

Uh, so where are you Two off to tonight?

Dad, do you mind?

I'm... I'm sorry. Forgive my rudeness.

I lost my head.

Actually, I, uh, Made reservations

For you two at the bear's lair.

Oh, thanks.

And then afterwards, I thought you could go

And see that new James bond movie.

Oh, I've seen that Already. I hated it.

I saw that. I loved it.

Ah, a little spat. Isn't that cute?

Ok. You guys better get goin'.

Ok.

See you later. Bye.

Bye. Yeah.

Uh, mal, uh...

Roger wanted you to have these.

Oh. Uh...

Ah heh.

Thanks, roger.

Uh, it was the least I could do.

Uh, we'll be seein' you later.

Yeah. Nice to meet you.

Bye-bye. Have fun tonight, huh?

Bye-bye. Ok. Good night.

Don't wait up for us.

Just wanted to see 'em Safely off the porch.

Ok, push this to pitch And this to swing the bat.

Oh. Yay. A home run On the first swing.

It even has a little Computer guy

Patting the batter On his behind.

Go for it, dad.

Ok, one pitch,

Just to prove how Dehumanizing this game is. What...

Push these buttons.

Strike one.

Strike 2.

Strike 3. You're out, dad.

Strike?! It was high and inside!

That almost hit me! What's wrong With this stupid computer ump!

Calm down, dad. Steven.

See how dehumanized I became?

Ok, well, it's my turn now.

Je-jennifer. Come On. I... I just sat down.

That first one was... Was... Was practice.

Hey. Base hit.

Ok, now I'm... Oh, come on! I...

Excuse me.

Game's called on Account of the darkness.

Come on, honey. It's time for bed.

Oh, 5 more minutes. Please?

Forget it, steven.

Hey, what you doin', dad?

Uh, I... I was just Takin' this upstairs.

Um, to wash it.

Yeah, well...

I had a real nice time. Yeah.

The mariachi band was great.

Yeah. Night.

Night.

How was your date?

Alex, what are you doing here?

Just standing here.

Happen to, uh... Happen To like standing here.

Good night.

Night.

Good night.

Great guy, huh?

He's all right.

All right? Come on!

Mallory, he is perfect for you.

He's all right.

Actually, alex, He's not that bright.

See what I mean?

He's perfect for you.

Listen, alex, uh,

I appreciate what You've tried to do,

But, um, it's over.

I... I don't like Roger that much,

So I'm not gonna go Out with him anymore.

Oh.

You, uh, don't like Roger that much,

And you're not gonna Go out with him anymore.

Simple as that.

What about me, mallory?

What about my feelings?

Your feelings?

Yeah. I... I put a lot Of time and effort

In trying to help you out, And is this the thanks I get?

Alex... Is this the mallory

Who was cryin' on my Shoulder a week ago?

Is this the mallory who said,

"Alex, I haven't met a Guy I liked in months"?

Is this the mallory...

All right.

All right, alex, I'll tell you what.

One more date, ok?

Uh, you can come Along. We'll double.

But if it doesn't work Out, that's the end of it, ok?

Hey, don't do it for me, mal.

Alex...

I'm tellin' you, this Place is fantastic.

This is gonna be A special night.

There's just... There's Electricity in the air.

I can... I can just feel it.

It's a good thing I Wore rubber boots.

Ah ha ha!

Boy, I haven't Laughed like this...

Rog, mal, I'm... I was amazed

When I found out how Much you two had in common.

You know, you're both so Interested in fashion and...

I'm not interested In fashion at all.

Sure. Sure. Sure, you are, rog.

I mean, come on. Isn't... Isn't your Father in the fashion business?

He owns a lumberyard.

Yeah. Ok. So, uh...

So lumberyard.

Fabric is bought by the yard.

Connection is almost eerie.

So how about a little, uh, Spontaneous conversation?

Starting... Now.

Mallory, mallory, Tell... Tell roger about...

About that funny thing That happened to you at work.

Um, nothing funny Happened to me at work, alex.

Um, something funny Happened to me at work.

Tracy, will you let someone Else get a word in edgewise?

Whoa, great song.

Why don't you 2 kids get Out there and dance, huh?

I really don't feel like it.

Yeah. Me neither.

You both listed dancing As a favorite activity.

Rog, you listed it second. Mallory, you listed it fourth.

Come on, let's split the Difference and dance.

Great couple, huh?

Uh, excuse me.

Uh...

Uh, rog, you mind if I cut in?

Sure.

Thanks.

Alex, why'd you do that?

Mallory, when I sent you out Here, I sent you out here to dance.

This is a slow number. You Should have been slow dancing.

Like... Like roger and tracy.

Excuse me for a minute.

Uh, pa-pardon me, may I cut in?

Sure.

Wh-why were you Dancing with tracy?

Because I like her. Because You cut in on me and mallory.

Yeah, well, rog, I Only did that be...

I only... Look, uh, why don't We sit down and talk about this?

I don't wanna sit down and Talk about it. I wanna dance.

Rog, my feet Are killin' me. I...

Alex, why don't you Just leave us alone?

Look, I can't leave you alone.

When I leave you alone, Rog, nothin' happens.

Well, maybe it's not Supposed to happen.

No, look, rog. According to this,

You are almost My brother-in-law.

Hey, pal, I don't wanna Be your brother-in-law.

I don't even wanna Be your sister.

And I definitely do Not wanna be your date.

Ok, 22 to 4.

Your favor.

Your ball out. I Warn you, elyse.

I know all your moves now.

You have scored Your last basket.

You ready?

Ready.

Oh!

In your face.

G-good shot. Good shot.

Thanks.

Ok, I, uh... I think I got The hang of it now.

Set 'em up again.

Oh, jennifer! What are you doin'?

Well, we only rented The computer for a week.

Has to be back tonight.

Is a week up already?

Now, listen, dad. I know how You feel about these things.

You've been really Tolerant, and I appreciate it.

Oh, that's ok.

Listen, you don't have to Worry about it anymore.

As of tonight, it'll be Gone from your life.

Well, I'm glad that ugly Chapter's over with.

Me, too.

Although jennifer did seem To enjoy havin' it around.

She did.

You know, you could Always put aside

Your personal Feelings and buy her one.

You're right. I should Think about her needs first.

Jennifer! Jennifer!

Honey!

Ok, mallory, look. I Was wrong. I admit it.

Why don't we just go Out to the driveway?

You can back the car Over me a few times.

Where are the keys?

I... I don't understand It. That's all.

I mean, you and roger Were great together.

Just what was it that You didn't like about him?

I don't know. Nothing in particular.

He was a nice guy, right? Yeah.

And he was a Good-enough-lookin' guy, right?

Kinda cute, yeah.

All right, I'm gettin' Him over here.

No! Hey, come on, alex.

Now, cut it out!

I don't want to go out with Him anymore, and I mean it.

I... I just do not get it.

Why didn't you two hit it off?

I don't know, alex, But I do know this.

Now, just because 2 people have Similar interests and backgrounds

Doesn't mean they're Gonna fall in love.

Why not?

Because the right Chemistry has to be there.

You know, certain... Certain feelings And emotions just have to click right,

And they didn't click With roger and me.

You, but you looked So good on paper.

We're not made of paper, alex.

All right, ok, now We're gettin' down to it.

See, I'm made of paper.

Well, I don't actually Mean I'm made of paper.

I mean I'm capable... I mean I like paper!

What am I trying To say, mallory?

You're trying to say, alex, that You're not good with emotions,

But you're great With facts and figures.

Right.

And you love a situation

Where you can Control all the elements

And the human Equation is removed.

Right.

And you like to believe That every problem

Has some kind of Logical solution.

Right!

Are you following Any of this, mallory?

Following it? I'm saying it.

Ok. As long as I Made myself clear.

Alex, you saw that roger And I weren't getting along.

Why did you keep forcing it?

Well...

Because I can't...

Uh...

Can't accept failure.

You know, I mean...

I just wanna make you happy.

I really did, and... And I was going to,

Whether you liked it or not.

Thanks, alex.

But you have to understand that Relationships are unpredictable.

You know, there's that... That magic. You know,

That special something has To be there. It defies logic.

I know.

I hate that.

You know what's funny?

Sometimes opposites attract.

You know, sometimes you can be Attracted to the least likely person.

I hope I'm not Interrupting anything.

Sit, ubu, sit.

Good dog.