Original subtitles

♪ I bet we've been together ♪

♪ for a million years ♪

♪ and I bet we'll be together ♪

♪ for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like I Started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed ♪

♪ and I can't remember ♪

♪ what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby ♪

♪ without us ♪

♪ what would we do, baby ♪

♪ without us ♪

♪ and there ain't no nothing ♪

♪ we can't love Each other through ♪

♪ what would we do, baby ♪

♪ without us ♪

♪ sha la la la ♪♪

What are you writing, jen?

Nothing. Just a poem

For the school magazine.

How's it coming?

Ok, I guess.

I'm just stuck on this one line.

Well, maybe I can help.

You know, I don't like to brag,

But in grade school, I used To be quite a poet myself.

They used to call me "Iambic pentameter" keaton.

That's a fabulous nickname, dad.

Well, come on, jen, read Me what you've got so far.

Come on.

Ok.

"The gray world spins.

"We are adrift in The empty universe.

"Lost.

"Depressed.

"Nothing in sight.

"Nothing.

"Nothing.

Nothing."

It's cute.

Maybe we should put it On our christmas cards.

Well, sure, it's cute,

But isn't it a Little depressing?

Jen, a girl your age

Should be writing about flowers

And sunshine and rainbows.

Dad, I want to show The alienation of mankind

Confronted with the Horror of the industrial age.

Ok, but, I'm sure there's A nicer way to do it.

Good evening.

There are my guys. Alex.

Hey, alex, did you take First place in a horse show?

For your information, jennifer,

This medal distinguishes Me as member

Of the leland university Fraternity council.

Gives me jurisdiction Over fraternity matters

On the leland campus.

It is a big deal.

Hey, tell them what They call me, andy.

Um...

A pompous fool.

No, no, no.

Not those guys in The pickup truck.

The guys in the house

With the big Greek letters on it.

Mr. Big.

Alex, did you have him

Over at the Fraternity house again?

Just for a minute. Just for a minute.

We stopped in to see the guys.

I don't like him Hanging around there.

He's picking up some bad habits.

What bad habits?

Mom, he saw what College is all about.

He saw people reading. He saw people studying.

He saw people engaged in the Scholarly pursuit of knowledge.

What else did you see, andy?

Girls. Beer.

What an imagination This little guy has got.

Come on, andy. Put Your beer mug away.

It's time for sesame street.

Guess what?

I've been asked to Pledge six sororities.

Mallory, that's wonderful.

How are you going to choose?

Well, I don't know.

See, phi kappa gamma Is the most prestigious.

It's the hardest to get into,

And they have the Best list of alumni,

But their colors Are all wrong for me.

How'd it go for you, skip?

I didn't have any luck with The fraternities I liked,

But there are a few cult Groups interested in me.

Look, skippy, cheer up, ok.

It's not so bad.

Alex, that's easy For you to say.

Look, you belong to A great fraternity.

I'd do anything to be in A fraternity like yours.

Well, skip, I, uh, I hate To see you down like this.

I'll tell you what,

I'll take you over to the Grant chapter of my fraternity.

I'll introduce you To a couple of guys.

Oh, wow, alex.

Hey, skip, I can't Promise you anything.

I can't promise You I can get you in.

Thank you, alex, I Really appreciate this.

Yo, fancy pants,

This is members only Territory. Vamoose.

Yeah. I'm alex p. Keaton.

I'm from the leland Chapter of theta pi.

Oh, sorry. Brian elliot.

I'm president of The grant chapter.

Honk. Honk.

Hey, I'm dave dubin.

I want to be the president Of the grant chapter.

Honk. Honk.

So, how can we help you, keaton?

Well, actually, fellas, I'm hear to talk to you

About a prospective pledge.

Terrific. What's his name?

Handleman... Irwin handleman.

Uh, listen, keaton,

We'd really like To help you out,

But you've got to understand,

We have standards here.

I mean, skippy handleman's

Just about the Nerdiest guy on campus.

Yeah, well, I know That from afar,

He may appear that way,

But you've got to meet this guy.

I mean, he's very impressive.

He almost got Accepted into harvard.

Oh, yeah. He was just Short one credit in biology

And 1400 points on the s.A.T.S.

Boy, that is close.

Well, that's Probably skippy now.

Listen, can you guys do me a Favor and interview him now?

Sure, what are brothers for?

Hey, hey.

Honk. Honk.

Hi. Dave dubin.

Hi. I'm skippy handleman.

Hey, skip.

Those are for you,

And there's plenty more Where that came from,

If you know what I mean.

Please, take me.

You've got to take me. Please.

Hi, skippy. Brian elliot.

I'm president of theta pi.

Hello there, brian.

Well, handleman, alex Has told me a lot about you,

So we don't we get this Interview under way.

Yes!

Alex, please. You've Got to stay with me here.

I don't know if they can tell,

I'm a little nervous.

We'll keep it our Little secret, ok, skip?

Ok. For this interview,

We need your full name.

Irwin murray handleman.

But none of that's Written in stone.

Did you, uh, bring a Resume there, skip?

Of course.

Can you show it to them?

Uh, yes. Here is... My Courses are listed there,

And this is my Grade point average,

And, oh, this is an encouraging Letter of recommendation

From my mother.

You know, handleman, I really don't think

We need to finish This interview.

I think we know everything We need to know about you.

You're definitely Theta pi material,

And we want you to Pledge the fraternity.

"So off he went to bluer sky,

"To sing a song or play a game.

"But 'ere he went, He turned to cry,

robin red breast is my name."

"Can you guess, Or have you heard?

My little friend Is but... A bird."

I was only 17 when I wrote this.

You were a real Child prodigy, dad.

Oh, jen, you're Just being stubborn.

I know this is a wonderful Poem. Right, elyse?

I don't like it.

Is your name elyse?

I was talking to your mother.

Ok, dad, I'll tell you what.

We'll write it together.

It doesn't have to be good.

Ok, jen, now let's take Another crack at it.

The only thing I suggest is

If you have to use a Word like "Depressed,"

Try to find a nice rhyme for it.

Like what?

How about "Robin red breast"?

Mom.

Mom, mommy, you Are looking at a man

Who just did the impossible.

I mean, compared to this feat,

The alaskan pipeline Is a garden hose.

The eiffel tower, It's a hat rack.

I got skippy handleman Into the best fraternity

On the grant college campus.

There's nothing I cannot do.

That's really good of you, alex.

You know how Important this is to skippy.

You know, mom, I was nervous About going over there

And asking those Guys to do this for me,

But you should have seen them.

They were falling all over Themselves trying to please me.

You know, I forget how Powerful and omnipotent I am.

I got to write a note To remind myself.

No, I'll remember.

I bet you will.

Hey.

Eric.

Alex.

Honk. Honk.

Brought over the Master list of the pledges.

Names, majors, their Parents' net income.

Hey, gimme, gimme, gimme.

I love going Through these lists.

Every chapter's showing Real growth and prosperity,

But we have a little problem With the grant chapter.

But what do expect With those bozos?

Yeah. What's the problem With the grant chapter?

Oh, they're doing The "Big stooge" again.

Can you believe it?

Just like these guys to Do something like that.

What's the "Big stooge"?

The "Big stooge".

They pick out the Nerdiest guy they can find,

Lie to him, tell him they're actually Interested in his membership,

Then humiliate him for A week during hazing,

And then not select him.

What, uh, what's the Name of this big stooge?

Um... Handleman.

Irwin handleman.

Skippy handleman.

What's the matter?

Irwin handleman, skippy Handleman, he's a friend of mine.

I've got to tell him.

Wait, you can't tell, alex.

I mean, that's against the code.

You'd be betraying Sacred fraternity trust.

I hate this "Big stooge" Business just as much as you do,

But if you breathe a Word of this to handleman,

You're out of the fraternity.

Jen, I came up with a great New ending to your poem...

Now, wait till you hear this.

The caterpillar Turns into a butterfly.

That's a stunning twist, dad.

But I real... I really don't Need that poem anymore.

I wrote another one.

Oh. Well, can I read it?

I tried to use some of the Phrases you suggested...

You know, the things That rhyme and stuff.

Oh, good. Good. Well...

"I looked down at the car

"And felt depressed.

For under the tire Lay robin red breast."

Come on, jen. We Have work to do.

Mom, help.

It's a part of life, honey.

Hey, mom.

Hi. Did andy go Down to sleep ok?

Yeah, I read his Favorite bedtime story.

He was out cold

By the time nixon Left for china.

Alex, I can't believe skippy.

He's outside on the Lawn wearing a dress

Singing, "I am woman, Hear me roar."

It's a beautiful dress.

Yeah, yeah. It's, um, Initiation night at theta pi.

It's part of the ritual To put on a fancy dress.

Well, I hope he doesn't Spill anything on it.

I'd like to borrow it.

He's really putting His little heart into it.

Got to hand it to you,

It was really sweet of you To get skippy into theta pi.

It's done amazing Things for him.

He's getting more Attention at school.

He's more confident.

It's just made a World of difference.

You should be really Proud of yourself.

Nah.

No, I mean it.

Don't be modest, alex.

I mean, how many chances Do I get to compliment you?

Ok... Thanks.

Such a beautiful thing.

Skippy's your friend,

And you cared enough To go the extra mile.

I mean, how many guys Would do something like that?

You're very special.

You're getting On my nerves here.

What's the matter?

All right, mal, if I Tell you a secret,

You promise not to tell anyone?

Yes.

Now I mean it, mal.

I mean, this is important.

Alex, if I breathe a word of it,

May I pay retail for The rest of my life.

All right.

Here it is.

Skippy's a big stooge.

Alex, that secret's out.

No. See, the truth is...

He's not really being Pledged into theta pi.

See, they're stringing Him along to humiliate him.

They call it "The big stooge."

Well, wait. Why would Skippy go through all this

If he knows he's not getting in?

He doesn't know.

What? You didn't tell him?

He's your friend! I Don't understand.

Look, it's very simple. There is a code. Ok?

I swore an oath.

They'll throw me Out of the fraternity.

Well.

Tonight's the big night.

Aren't you going To wish me luck?

Luck.

Mallory?

Skippy, I've been thinking.

Tonight would be A good night for...

Us to go out on a date.

I... I'm sorry.

Mallory, it's breaking my heart.

But I have to say no.

See, theta pi is The greatest thing

That ever happened to me.

Tonight's initiation Night. I can't miss that.

And this is the man Who made it all possible.

Right here, alex Keaton. Thank you, alex.

Hey, skip, come On. It was nothing.

Well! Next time you see me,

I'll be a theta pi man.

Don't give me that Disapproving look.

What disapproving look?

This one.

The one you save for criminals

And people with Last year's haircut.

Alex.

I think you're a Little bit paranoid.

Skippy is better off this way.

I mean, you said it yourself.

You said he's getting a lot More attention at school.

He's more confident.

He's dressing better.

He may not get Everything that he wants,

But he'll have a couple Weeks in the limelight

That he'll always remember.

You keep telling Yourself that, alex.

And maybe someday You'll come to believe it.

Hey, keaton! What Are you doing here?

Where's skippy?

He's upstairs with All the other pledges.

Oh, come on, who you kidding?

He's not pledging And you know it, brian.

Big stooge, huh?

What the hell are You thinking about?

Whoa, what you talking about?

I don't know anything About any big stooge.

All right, look, this is alex P. Keaton you're dealing with.

I'm a member of the Interfraternity council,

And I go to a college where the Students actually have brains.

All right. So he's the Big stooge. So what?

I'm taking skippy home.

Hey, keaton!

If you're as smart As you say you are,

You ought to know this.

You say one word About "Big stooge,"

You're out of this fraternity.

Right.

You can't take Away our big stooge.

It's the best part Of the evening.

Come on, we haven't even Dipped him in mustard yet.

♪ oh, I am woman ♪

Hey, alex, what Are you doing here?

I came to take you home, skippy.

Come on, let's go.

I can't go now, alex.

They haven't even Dipped me in mustard yet.

Hey, skip, listen to me.

You don't want to Go in there, all right.

What are you Talking about, alex?

That's where the Hazing takes place.

That's where they're Going to vote on me.

They're not going To vote on you.

Keaton, this is Your final warning.

What do you mean they're Not going to vote on me?

Tell him, brian.

You tell him.

Tell him what?

You're not getting Into theta pi, skippy.

They never planned on Letting you into the fraternity.

They were just Using you as a joke.

I'm sorry.

Is this true, brian?

Keaton, I'm going to have you Kicked out of theta pi so far,

Your grandchildren Will never get in.

You do whatever you have to do.

Let's go, skip.

No. No, no, this can't be true.

Brian, I did everything You guys said.

I bought the same Clothes you guys wear.

I subscribed to g.Q.

I even got the right Kind of loafers.

Two of them!

You know, you got a Lot of nerve, keaton,

Coming in here and Screwing up hell night.

You knew all along Handleman was the big stooge.

Why didn't you say Something to him?

You knew, alex?

Don't ever talk to me again!

Hey, alex, where've you been?

I was over at grant college.

It's theta pi initiation Night tonight.

Well, how did it go?

Is skippy a full-fledged Member now?

No. Skippy's not a member.

Skippy's not going To be a member.

And, uh...

In all probability, I'm not A member anymore, either.

Well, what happened?

They never had any Intention of letting him in.

It was a joke.

I mean, all they wanted To do was make fun of him.

The worst part Is I knew about it

And I didn't say anything.

Are you serious, alex?

You knew and You didn't tell him?

That's right. He knew And he didn't tell.

Why wouldn't you tell?

Look, ma, I don't want To go through it, ok.

It's just a little too painful.

Let me see.

Alex started out trying To do something nice.

Which is rare in itself,

Which is why I Remember this so well.

Alex wanted to get Skippy into theta pi,

So he took him over There. The boys said yes.

But what alex Didn't know is that

They had no intention Of pledging skippy.

They just wanted to Make him "The big stooge."

When alex found out, he wanted To tell, but he couldn't tell

Because he was afraid Of breaking the code.

"What code?" I said. He Said, "The code of theta pi."

He said they'd throw Him out of the fraternity,

Become a social outcast... Ruin all of his chances

Of a big business Career in business,

A job on wall street, An apartment in new york.

He said he couldn't tell. He said he wouldn't tell.

But tonight... Tonight he told.

I love him for it.

I can't believe I held It in for so long.

I thought I was Going to explode.

You did.

Skip, you ok? You all right?

What's up?

Where's the dress?

I'm ok.

We heard what happened, Honey. We're sorry.

I really would like to speak

To alex alone for a little bit.

Sure. Sure. We were Just going up anyway.

Hey, you look cold.

Put this on.

So where did you go anyway? I called your place five times.

I went up to grover lake.

I like to go up there after I've made a fool out of myself.

I go up there a lot.

Skippy, I can't tell You how sorry I am.

How could you do That to me, alex?

You're the guy who is supposed To be looking out for me!

I did! I tried.

Well, why didn't you Try a little sooner?

Look, I had some reasons.

Ok, I thought they were Good ones at the time.

They weren't.

I was sworn to secrecy.

I didn't want to break the code.

Oh, 'cause that code is More important than me.

If it was, I wouldn't have Shown up there tonight.

Alex, why do these things Always happen to me?

Why... Why am I always Everybody's big stooge?

You're just not in your time...

Yet, skip. That's all.

I mean, you'll grow into it.

You know, you are going To be a late bloomer.

If I don't bloom soon,

They're going to Have to replant me.

What's wrong with me?

Skippy, there's Nothing wrong with you.

People are going to Take advantage of you

Because you're A little too open.

You're a little too trusting.

A little too Accepting sometimes.

But that's their problem.

Skippy, you're one of the only

Truly good people I know.

I don't understand, alex.

You're always on the inside.

I'm always on the outside.

It's been that way Ever since we were kids.

Do remember that time we Both learned to ride bikes?

You got right on, Started pedaling,

And kept going, all The way down the hill.

I got on, coasted five Feet, and killed a cat.

It's just that our styles...

Are a little different, Skip. That's all.

Any day now that's Going to change.

You're going to take Those training wheels off.

And when you do, Watch out, world.

Watch out, cats.

Thank you, alex.

You know...

We could start sort of A fraternity of our own.

All we need is a Secret handshake.

You got it, skip.

Wait.

Sit, ubu, sit.

Good dog.