Original subtitles

♪ I bet we've been together ♪

♪ for a million years ♪

♪ and I bet we'll be together ♪

♪ for a million more ♪

♪ oh, it's like I Started breathing ♪

♪ on the night we kissed ♪

♪ and I can't remember ♪

♪ what I ever did before ♪

♪ what would we do, baby ♪

♪ without us ♪

♪ what would we do, baby ♪

♪ without us ♪

♪ and there ain't no nothing ♪

♪ we can't love each other Through ♪ ♪ ooh, ohh ♪

♪ what would we do, baby ♪

♪ without us ♪

♪ sha la la la ♪♪

Hey, honey.

Boy, you're up early.

Yeah, I want to get a head Start. I'm making breakfast.

Well, what is all this...

Pancakes, bacon, eggs, toast?

And freshly Squeezed orange juice.

Well, now, I am very impressed.

That's hard to do Without a juicer.

It's even harder to Do without oranges.

What's the occasion?

You know, I got up this morning

And I realized how Incredible it is...

Alex is a junior at leland,

Mallory is a freshman At grant college,

Jennifer is in junior high,

And andy starts preschool today.

It made me think about

How much we've all Been through together,

How much I love this family,

How much I love you,

And how unbelievably expensive

This year is going to be.

Maybe we should Cancel this breakfast.

Ah, let's live dangerously.

These people ever going To go through midlife crisis?

Alex, jennifer, sit down.

I hope you're hungry, Because we've got pancakes,

We've got eggs, We've got bacon...

Looks great, but the Junior class is having

A welcome back breakfast.

How about you, jen? What's it going to be?

Eggs? Pancakes?

I ate already, dad. I've Been up for 3 hours.

I see.

Mallory, how about Some pancakes?

Please, dad.

If I even look at food Today, I'm gonna be sick.

This worked out nicely.

Jennifer, andy's ready for you.

He just needs his hair brushed.

Isn't that cute? His First day of preschool.

Yeah. Mallory, uh, you sure You don't want some breakfast?

No, dad. It's my First day of college.

I'm very nervous.

Mal, you got nothing To worry about.

I mean, it's not like you're Going to a real college.

What is that supposed to mean?

Oh, come on. How can you get Nervous about going to a college

That advertises in Hot rod magazine?

That's not true, Alex. Oh, come on, mal.

I saw the ad.

"Grant college Introductory offer...

Buy one semester, Get the rest free."

Then there's that radio spot...

"At grant college, we have a modern Library, fully qualified professors,

And thick, juicy steaks cooked Just the way you like them."

Alex, grant college Is a very fine school.

It's very hard to get in.

Hello, fellow grant College freshman.

Looks like it's even Harder to stay out.

Skip, how about some breakfast

On your first day At grant college?

No, no, no. Thank You, mr. Keaton.

No, I'm saving my appetite For those thick, juicy steaks.

Oh! Hey. Hi.

Hey.

Does this tie go, alex?

Does this tie go?

You look like a million bucks.

Tax-free.

Is is too late to take Andy to the woods

And have him raised by wolves?

Come on, dad. You know how long I Had to wait to have a little brother?

What I had to endure? I'm just excited, that's all.

Come on, andy. Do you want To wave goodbye to your sister

On her first day of college?

It's not a real college.

Where's andy?

He's upstairs taking a nap.

Ahh. I wanted to find out how His first day of preschool was.

I called there three times.

Every time I called, They said it was nap time.

Well, he's upstairs Taking another nap now.

I gotta talk to this kid. He's sleeping his life away.

Hi.

Guys, how was your First day of college?

Jennifer, it was so exciting. It's So different from high school.

I'm taking this amazing Philosophy course.

We talked about life and Death, the nature of reality,

And the existence of Being and non-being.

I mean, this could change The whole way I dress.

How was your first day, skip?

Not quite as good. Due To a computer error,

I spent the whole Day at the registrar

Trying to prove that I'm not a laboratory rat.

Were you successful?

I have to go back tomorrow With my birth certificate.

You know, jennifer,

I think philosophy May be my true calling.

There are just so many Interesting questions.

Today, the professor asked, what Proof do I have that I really exist?

Show him your phone bill.

Laugh if you want, alex,

But I have started My first paper.

"I shop, therefore I am."

It's only a first draft, too.

Well, let's go to the mall and Do some research on the paper.

That's a good idea, jen.

You're gonna do Really well in college.

Oh, hey. Is andy asleep yet?

'cause I want to ask him...

Oh, he is out like a light, Honey. He's had a very full day.

I'm a little sleepy myself.

I've got a big day on Campus tomorrow.

I have to run through A maze and ring a bell

To get a piece of swiss cheese.

You crazy college kids.

So, uh, andy liked Preschool, huh?

Oh. Great. Tell me all about it.

Well, he, uh, was a Little nervous at first.

Well, that's all right. I Mean, that's to be expected.

But after a couple of minutes, He started to enjoy himself.

Well, what were his Favorite subjects...

Finger painting, blocks,

Supply-side economics?

I think he said that the part He liked best was sharing time.

Oh. Sharing time?

What's that?

One of the objectives Of the school

Is to teach kids That sharing is fun.

So, everything Is shared equally.

All the toys in the room Belong to the group.

And they're considered Communal property.

What is this, the Karl marx preschool?

The harper school program Teaches kids to support each other...

To feel good about themselves.

They even have this method

Of encouraging the Children who are a little shy.

They give them patches To wear that say,

"I know how to say goodbye" Or "I know how to nap"

Or "I know how to Speak in sentences."

Sounds like an insane asylum.

Preschool is supposed To prepare andy

For real life.

In a couple years, He's gonna be out there

In the dog-eat-dog World of kindergarten.

He's got to be ready. He's Got to build his character,

Sharpen his mental skills,

Improve his physical endurance.

So basically, you're Suggesting a military preschool.

I just don't want to see andy On the street 20 years from now

With a patch that says, "I Know how to say goodbye."

O.K., andy, here's Your lunchbox.

Now, these are your coloring Books and your crayons.

Remember. How do We feel about sharing?

Blll!

Attaboy. Good.

O.K., now you just wear this,

And I don't think we'll Have any problem.

Good morning, andy.

Good morning, mrs. Kluger.

Good morning, mrs. Kluger.

I'm alex keaton, andy's brother.

I'm mrs. Kluger the director.

Right. Oh, listen, andy, I Got to run to class now.

But remember, tonight, We're gonna go out.

We're gonna get ice cream. Then I'm gonna take you

And show you how the Automated teller machines work.

Ok? Remember. Who loves you?

Alex loves me.

You know it.

So, uh... How's he doing?

Oh, he's a terrific child.

He's very sensitive and very Thoughtful of the other children.

Well, I can't help that. It's my parents' influence.

You know, andrew talks About you all the time, alex.

Uh, really?

Yeah. He mentions Your name so often,

You'd think someone was Paying him to talk about you.

Mrs. Kluger, do you mind if I Take a little look around here?

Oh, no. Feel free. We Encourage visitors.

We're completely Open and free here.

That's nothing to brag about.

So, this is the library.

Yeah. And we try to fill it with Colorful, interesting books.

We've got, uh, oh, charlie goes to school,

a snowy day, the curious cow.

Yeah. We've got That one at home.

Mallory's reading it.

My sister. Oh.

You've also got a Sister in preschool?

No, mallory couldn't Get into preschool...

So she's going to grant college.

Hi, mrs. Kluger.

Hi, michael.

What does your patch say?

"I know how to say Goodbye to my daddy."

Very good, sweetie. Isn't That wonderful, alex?

What's so wonderful about that?

I know how to say goodbye to my Daddy. You don't see me wearing a patch.

Well, we try to Encourage michael.

He's very shy.

This gives him a sense Of accomplishment.

Well, I'm all for creating a sense Of accomplishment, mrs. Kluger.

I just question your methods.

Oh. What do you suggest?

Well, have you thought about dividing The children into different play groups,

Giving them I.Q. Tests?

Well, alex, we're Trying to foster

A noncompetitive environment.

Oh, come on, mrs. Kluger.

Join us in the real world here.

Do you see people out there Who are noncompetitive?

People sharing? People Taking naps on mats?

Steven and elyse Keaton are your parents?

Oh, mrs. Kluger, I got to go.

Uh, I'm just gonna say goodbye To andy, and I'll be on my way.

Sure. He's over There playing house.

No, no. That's impossible. Andy doesn't play house.

Well, of course he does. See him diapering that doll?

He's diapering a doll?

Andy, what are you doing?

Diapering a doll.

Where's your wife?

Out working.

We're out of here.

Let's go. Let's go.

Today was the first day I really Felt like a real college student.

Of course, today was the first Day I wasn't getting shocked

For running against The traffic in our maze.

Skippy, do you mind? I'm Trying to do some work here.

Sorry, mal. It's just such a Great feeling to be human again.

Wait a minute! You just Gave me a great idea.

I did? My next Assignment in philosophy

Is to pick someone and Try to prove they exist.

I mean, I can do that on you.

Wow. What a challenge!

If I could prove you exist,

I'd definitely get an "A."

And you'd be able to settle a Bet I have with my grandfather.

Whoa, whoa, mallory.

Do you have to work here? We could really use this space.

Oh, no, no. You can't Stop us now, alex.

See, mallory is Going to prove I exist.

That could get a little messy.

Why don't you do that In the kitchen, huh?

All right. All right.

Ok, a couple of Questions, skippy.

First of all, what would You say distinguishes you

From an inanimate object?

My allergies?

Alex, this is crazy.

Don't you think mom and Dad are gonna find out

That andy isn't in preschool?

Yeah, well, I can't Worry about that now.

The important thing Is to deprogram andy

Before anything he Learned in preschool sinks in.

What do you want me to do first?

Ok. We're gonna play house.

I'm gonna be the father. You're gonna be the mother.

We're gonna show andy how A normal family functions.

Are you watching, andy?

Yes, sir. Good.

Honey, I'm home.

Hi there, dear.

What did you do today While I was out working hard

To support you?

I had an affair With the milkman.

That's very funny, dear.

Does that mean you didn't make Any dinner for your husband,

Even though I was Slaving away at the office?

At least you get paid.

Housework is just As tough as your job,

And I don't get a Dime. I want a divorce!

All right, jennifer.

If you can't play nicely, Let's not play at all, ok?

That's all right, andy. We don't need her.

Hey, alex. Hey, there's my guy.

Hi, sweetie.

Hi.

Hey, what's this patch?

Uh, that's nothing.

"I know how to Itemize deductions."

Boy, they're really Moving ahead quickly there.

Mom, dad, sit down.

Something very bad Is going to happen now.

Just hear me out before You say anything, ok?

This is worse than we thought.

Andy withdrew from Preschool today.

What?

And I want to tell you Something. I admire him for it.

Ok. All right. All right. Andy didn't withdraw.

I withdrew him.

But that preschool Wasn't for him.

He was picking up a Lot of bad habits there.

Alex, the harper preschool Is one of the best in the area.

It's a humanistic Approach to child care

Based on affection, mutual Understanding, and respect.

Granted, you have no Regard for these things,

But other members of our Species cling blindly to them.

I'm gonna call mrs. Kluger.

There's no way she could've Taken any of this seriously.

All right. Look, I'm sorry things Turned out the way they did.

But you have to Understand one thing.

I only did what I did

Because I thought It was best for andy.

I love that kid.

I'd never do Anything to hurt him.

All right, alex.

But you have to Understand one thing.

We're his parents. And this is our decision.

You're right.

Hey, you're right.

Wait a minute. You've got mallory.

You've got jennifer.

You've got carte Blanche on them.

Do whatever you want. I'll Even throw in skippy if you want.

But andrew...

Andrew's mine.

Well, if he throws in skippy...

Steven!

Good morning, andrew.

Good morning, alex.

Both: good morning, mrs. Kluger.

It's nice to see you Back at school, andy.

I think mrs. Kaufman's Waiting for you.

Go ahead, andy. Be strong.

Mrs. Kluger, I'm, Uh, sorry about

What happened yesterday. I was way out of line,

And I shouldn't have told You how to run your school.

I get a little emotional When it comes to andy.

Well, would you like to stay And watch him play for a while?

Actually, I can't. I got to go.

Thanks, anyway. All Right. Have a nice day.

Ok. This morning, we're Really gonna have fun.

Let's pretend that we're Going to run a little business.

Business?

Now, what should we sell?

Turtles.

Turtles.

The turtle market's Been depressed since '81.

Now, if we're gonna Have a turtle store,

We have to decide how Much to sell the turtles for.

Now, what do you Think, everybody?

For free.

Oh. Well, that is very Nice of you, rhonda.

We won't charge Anything for the turtles.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

At that rate, you're gonna Be out of business by nap time.

Uh, would you excuse me, please?

Now, what's the first thing

We need for our store?

Turtles.

Turtles. That's Exactly right, andy.

Once we have turtles, I Guess we're ready to open up.

No, come on. Wait. Look. There are a million decisions

To be made here.

First of all, what kind of Turtles are you gonna sell?

Myself, I'd suggest dividing the Stock up in the following manner...

70% disposable turtles... Disposable turtles?

Yeah, you know, the kind that die As soon as you bring them home.

And then, the other 30%,

I'd have those, you know, Those big sea turtles.

For soups.

But you need a store manager To make these decisions.

Now, who wants to Be a store manager?

Oh! I see andrew keaton has his Hand up. I like a boy with initiative.

I got an idea. We Need co-managers.

Hey, michael, why don't you And andy both manage the store?

Good. Great.

Ok. Now we need an Advertising campaign.

Rhonda, you ever Do any modeling?

Yes, and I have a dog.

Let's stick to business, rhonda.

O.K., we're gonna need A picture, a photograph,

Of you and a turtle and a Sign saying, uh, what? What?

Uh, "Welcome to Our grand opening.

Come out of your shell sale."

Right? Ok. We're gonna need a Sign. Who wants to paint a sign?

Excuse me, but I work here.

Fabulous. Get some Paints, will you?

And... Some red, white, And blue decorations.

O.K., now we're gonna Need a business manager

To help us avoid paying taxes.

What's taxes?

A tax is a terrible...

Hairy... Liberal monster...

With big teeth.

And the only thing...

The only thing that can Stop the terrible tax monster

Is a republican.

Who wants to be a republican?

Whoa!

Oh. What's all this? Oh, It's very simple, elyse.

The back-to-school Breakfast didn't work.

We just switch gears and try

The back-to-school dinner.

But the kids have been back To school for over a week now.

So, they've had time To work up an appetite.

See you later.

Ok. Hey, where are you going?

I'm having dinner At chrissy's house.

You said I could go last week.

This is a school Night, jennifer.

Shouldn't you be staying Home and studying?

I finished studying. And Anyway, I got a 98 on my first test.

I would've gotten 100, except That I put mandalay down

As the capital of burma Instead of rangoon.

And you expect us to Just overlook that?

Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hey, mal, skip.

Mallory, it's not your fault. You did everything you could.

Ah, thanks, skippy. And don't Worry. You'll get over it.

What happened? Well, I got an "F"

On my philosophy paper. I Couldn't prove that skippy existed.

Well, maybe I'll just Go back to the lab

And the other rats. At Least I was accepted there.

Bye-bye.

Well, I hope you're hungry, mal.

We're planning a big dinner.

Um, I can't, dad. Nick and I Are going to an art exhibit.

It starts in half an Hour. See you later.

Well, here we Are again, elyse...

You, me, and huge Amounts of food.

Hey. Hey. Hi, boys.

Hey, alex. Hi, sweetheart.

Andy.

Hey. How were your classes?

I don't know. I didn't make it.

I spent the whole day At preschool with andy.

Why? Was there a problem?

He's still enrolled, isn't he?

Yeah, he's still enrolled. As a matter of fact,

He got his report card today.

"Doesn't get along With other children,

Has a tendency to try to Run every activity his own way."

What? Wait a Minute. That's mine.

Oh.

No... Here's andy's Right here. Oh.

Oh. Well, yeah. "Andy Is a delightful boy

"Who's very popular With the other children.

It's a pleasure having Him in the class."

That's wonderful, andy.

Maybe I wasn't completely in the Right on this whole preschool thing.

I mean, sure, they do some Things differently than I would,

But on the whole, there's a whole Lot of love and affection there.

With the proper supervision And the right guest speakers,

Those kids could learn a lot.

Guest speakers?

I'm gonna be lecturing There once a week.

Uh, by the way, you're planning On eating here tonight, aren't you?

Oh, dad, uh, listen. Andy and I were Gonna have dinner alone tonight,

Kind of a brothers evening. That's all right, isn't it?

Fine. Fine.

I'll just put this in the Back-to-school freezer.

I'll eat it.

You're gonna eat 15 hamburgers, Lasagna, and a rack of lamb, elyse?

Well, not all at one sitting.

Hey, andy.

Sorry I ruined your First week in preschool.

It's just that you're My only brother.

I get a little crazy When it comes to you,

'cause I know that you are Destined for greatness...

The same way that jennifer Is destined for greatness,

The way I'm destined For greatness,

And, uh, mallory's destined To be cared for by the state.

But you can go at Your own pace, ok?

I'm not gonna push you too hard.

If you ever need any Advice, come to me.

If you ever need anything, come To your big brother, all right?

Just don't ask me

To beat up anybody for You once you get past 5.

Alex loves me.

You bet he does.

Uhh. Let's go get Some burgers, huh?

Oh. Andy.

You drive.

Sit, ubu, sit.

Good dog.