Original subtitles

♪ This time, you should take a bow at the very end ♪

♪ It's quite an act you put on ♪

♪ Wait till the cameras roll ♪

Ladies first.

Thanks.

Okay. I'm gonna need

with soy milk, extra hot. one large café misto

Next, a hot chai latte...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

I'm ordering.

but I was here first, Yeah, I know,

and I'm just getting a black coffee.

One black coffee.

I thought you said "Ladies first"?

Name.

Yeah, back there, not here.

What's the difference? Why?

Sir, name?

Hold on there, sporty.

Uh, the difference is that, over there,

I was being chivalrous,

and over here, you're being selfish

and thoughtless and rude.

You live in a world with other people, okay?

Get your nose out of your phone, and you might see that.

My phone?

I have the coffee order for work on here.

on that thing! There's like a hundred drinks

Why are you getting coffee for the whole office?

Have you never heard of Betty Friedan?

No. Gloria Steinem?

Really? Not a clue.

No. Mnh-mnh. Not at all.

Maybe you need to be on medication.

I am on medication... it's called coffee,

and I can't get it because I'm waiting for you to order

in your millennial clown car. for everyone

You're an asshole.

I'm an asshole? Yes.

I'm an asshole? Yes, an asshole.

'Cause let's be real.

let's face it... kind of hot, If I wasn't young and...

you wouldn't have held that door open for me.

You were flirting.

And then when you realized I showed no interest,

you got mad, and then all your chivalry

went right out the window.

So, that's how you do it?

You just take all your own self-centered behavior

and you flip it on me?

So now I'm supposed to be the ass...

Asshole? Coffee for Asshole?

Yeah, that's me.

♪ The North Sea sings ♪

♪ "Won't you come to me, baby?" ♪

♪ Oh, won't you come to me? ♪

♪ The North Sea sings ♪

baby?" ♪ ♪ "Won't you come to me,

♪ Oh, won't you come to me? ♪

♪ The North Sea sings ♪

♪ "Won't you come to me, baby?" ♪

♪ The North Sea sings ♪

♪ Oh, won't you come to me? ♪

I see we got some new folks. Okay.

Uh, I'm Sam Loudermilk.

I'm four years off the sauce, and I am super-duper excited

about getting you on the road to sobriety.

- All right. - Yay.

wants to go first? So, which one of you fuck-ups

Don't drink. Don't drink.

Don't drink.

Actually, I am a recovering meth addict.

Still good advice. Take a shower.

Cisco. Hey, come here.

How come you haven't been sharing in group the last couple days?

'Cause everything's going good.

Okay. So, h-h-how many days are you sober?

Um, like...

Yeah, no, you're lying to me, okay?

There's no "um" in sober.

If you're sober, you know exactly how long you been sober.

Yeah, okay, I had a few beers.

What kind of beers?

Coors Light.

That stuff's like water. That... That doesn't count.

Really? No!

Of course it counts, you dope.

Come on.

I'm really trying, man.

Well, you got to try harder.

Look.

Life's about fucking things up, okay,

and then un-fucking the things that you fucked up.

of a fuck-up, That's what makes you less

not lying about it.

Thanks. I'll do better.

Well, just don't do worse.

Mr. Loudermilk, can I speak to you in private?

This isn't private?

Well, I suppose it won't come as a surprise to you

that I've received numerous anonymous complaints

about the way you're leading these meetings.

Who?

No, I want names.

I can't give you the names.

I just told you the complaints are anonymous.

It's the bingo bitches, isn't it?

Oh, God.

let's face it... Look, Loudermilk,

you're not warm and fuzzy.

You're hard and angular and uncomfortable.

You're like an IKEA chair who leads sobriety meetings.

But be that as it may,

I think the work that your organization does

benefits a number of people,

and for that reason, I would hate

to have to suspend your meetings

because of one unruly facilitator.

Okay.

a prize or... or what? So, am... am I getting

I need a favor.

Mrs. Wilkes is an important member of our church,

and right now, she's having trouble with her daughter.

God help me, I have a feeling

may be exactly what she needs. that your brand of help

You have a real... knack

with people who've lost their way.

Yeah, um, women are not exactly my area of expertise,

unless you want her to smash all your shit and move out.

she's a good girl... My daughter, Claire,

was a good girl.

Is she transitioning?

No, she's still a girl,

but now, she's a bad girl.

My husband passed recently,

she's gotten out of control. and since then,

I try and talk to her about enrolling

in one of those heroin schools...

Rehab.

...but she won't listen to me.

Okay.

Well, uh, send her to a meeting.

I'll talk to her.

No.

She'll never do that.

You have to go to her.

Yeah, here's the thing... I don't make house calls.

Please.

Father Michael recommended you very highly.

Well, I wouldn't say highly.

Look, Loudermilk.

You go and talk to Claire,

these meetings and I won't suspend

or report you for being one of the most horrible people

ever to set foot into this...

All right, fine, fine, fine, I'll do it.

Where exactly will I find this fragile, little flower?

Who the fuck are you?

Well, spoken like a Disney princess come to life.

Again, who the fuck are you?

I'm Sam Loudermilk.

professional help, Your mother says you need

but I guess she settled on me.

My mom's a cunt. Oh!

Yeah, she probably is.

or what I want in my life, She doesn't know shit about me

so get the fuck out of here, asshole.

I just want to get something

out of the way right up front here.

Okay, I understand there's a shit-ton of sexual chemistry

going back and forth between you and me...

Gross! You're like 70! but it's not gonna happen.

Oh, I'm gross?

You're like 14 pounds.

Fuck you, man! Yeah.

doesn't feel so good, does it? Hyperbole for comic effect

Why don't you let me in?

Fine.

Come on in.

This is my boyfriend, Wyatt.

Yeah? Don't care.

me if you're filming me, right? So, you realize you got to tell

Why would I be filming you?

Well, I figure there's got to be

a crew from "Hoarders" around here somewhere.

So, what's up?

at the unfeeling universe Are you lashing out

because dad's dead, or...?

I-I... What's your deal?

I don't have a deal.

I live my life the way I want to live it.

Oh, okay.

Okay. See ya.

What?

What, what?

That's it?

Yeah, that's it.

Aren't you supposed to, like, try harder or something?

Let me break this down for you.

I don't know you.

I don't give a fuck about you.

You want to drink and drug yourself to an early grave,

great.

You're doing great.

So why did you even come here?

Morbid curiosity.

I wanted to see if you were

your mother said you were. half the shit show

Fuck you, man!

Here.

That's my number. You want help, call it.

You want to come to a meeting, great.

will be given by me. If not, exactly zero shits

Dude, you better get the fuck out of here now!

Yeah, I'm... I-I'm going.

Not 'cause I'm afraid of you, but 'cause it smells like

two garbage cans have been fucking in here.

Coming through.

Hey, Greatest Generation, come on, pick it up a bit.

Let's go.

I'm trying.

and that's Normandy, Well, pretend I'm Ike

and storm that shit.

Oh, my God.

Hey, watch it!

This Fender Kingman is six months of your rent!

a piece of shit, then, Well it must be

'cause I share an alley-view apartment with another dude.

Hi.

Hey.

Uh, this is kind of embarrassing,

a chair stuck to your back. but I think you have

What? Where?

Other... Other shoulder.

Yeah, just keep... Nope. No, no.

Too far. Back.

Ah, there you go. Oh!

Probably got it snagged at a restaurant or something

the last couple days.

Oh, crap. Not again.

I'm, um, Allison.

I just moved into 2-C.

Sam, 2-B...

or not to be... that is my apartment.

It actually is 2-B, though, so there's no confusion.

Oh, Mr. Ellis, I was gonna call you

about starting guitar lessons.

You okay?

Yeah, sure, I'm from the Greatest Generation.

Right, buddy? Uh, hey.

with that, sir? Can I help you

That looks pretty heavy there.

You sure you don't want to push me down again?

This guy body-checked me on the stairs.

with minimal contact. No, I scooted past you, okay,

I scooted.

Who rushes past an elderly person

I didn't body-check him. and body-checks them?

I might've bumped him a little bit, okay?

He... But that's it.

Look, he's old.

They exaggerate.

Well, I guess it's not 2-B.

Ass-head.

an ass-head, So, then he called me

and she slams the door in my face.

Well, I mean, the ass-head thing is fair.

Yeah, but she didn't know that yet.

Okay?

the balls off her. I was charming

You know, I got a question...

why were you pushing an old man out of your way?

'Cause I was in a hurry.

In a hurry for what? You got nowhere to be.

to get nowhere faster. Well, maybe I want

So, you gonna try to make it up to her?

I don't know.

What's the point? What's the point?

this is the first woman Well, the point is,

you've had even a remotely meaningful connection with

in like four years. Yeah.

She did really like my chair-on-the-shoulder bit,

which I ad-libbed.

That is funny, when it looks like a chair's stuck to you.

Yeah.

Well, now you just got to make it up to her, you know?

Show her that you're a thoughtful, sensitive guy.

You mean fool her?

Yes.

How?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're banned from the store, Loudermilk.

I'm sick of you calling me a douche.

I come in peace. Relax.

I don't want to argue about why Nirvana wouldn't exist

without the bubblegum hits of the late '60s.

Man, that's so reductive.

Reductive?

making words up now? Are we just

Just because Cobain said in one interview

that the 1910 Fruitgum Company's version

Okay. Hey, hey. of "Yummy Yummy Yummy"...

All right, all right. Hey, Captain Pompous, relax.

Get your talking points together.

We'll get back to this. We're on a mission here.

Fine. What are you looking for?

down some stairs Loudermilk knocked an old man

in front of our hot new neighbor,

so he's trying to make up for that.

Jesus, dude. You're the fucking worst, man.

Oh, really? I'm the worst?

I'm worse than Hitler?

I'm worse than Saul Zaentz?

I'm worse than Pol Pot?

Hey, isn't it weird that a guy with "pot" in his name

turns out to be so totally bogus?

for a while, haven't you? You've been sitting on that

An incredibly long time. Sure. Thank you for teeing it up.

Who the hell's Saul Zaentz?

You don't know Saul Zaentz?

Asshole record producer,

to play their own music? tried to charge Creedence

We had to listen to "Put Me In Coach" for 20 years

'cause of that motherfucker?

I love "Centerfield."

Well, you're an idiot.

Look, man, I got to tell you,

and your only friend, as your sponsor

you really make it hard for people to like you.

What are you talking about? I'm a people person.

Unless the people act like total dickbags, which they always do.

Always do!

Oh.

Andrés Segovia.

He's the greatest classical guitarist in the world

playing... a bunch of romantic crap.

She'd like that shit, Yeah. right?

Yeah, it shows that you were paying attention

to her interests,

and it's got the added bonus of being obscure,

which pretentious chicks love.

You think she's pretentious?

I don't know. Let's hope so.

Great. Let's get out of here. Okay.

Wait.

How is she gonna listen to it?

if she listens to it? Why do I give a shit

Come on, Loudermilk!

Please. Stop half-assing it.

I mean, finish something for once in...

Here we are. This is good. Perfect.

Ben to the rescue again.

Cheap... only 60 bucks. Oh.

Okay.

Uh, one more favor.

No, I-I'm broke.

Bullshit. You got a hundo in your pocket.

through your pants this morning. I saw it when I was rifling

Why are you rifling through my pants, man?

So you can't pull this "I'm broke" bullshit!

You know, you really are an ass-head.

Oh. Hey, Allison.

Hey. Hey.

Sam. Remember? From the...

I-I-I remember. Yeah, yeah.

Listen, yesterday, I didn't make

a very good first impression, and, uh...

The thing is is I'm a counselor

for people who abuse drugs and alcohol,

so I'm dealing with people

who stack lies on top of lies all day,

and you got to be sometimes...

You know, you got to be a little blunt.

You got to be a little harsh

with that. to cut through the bullshit

Um, but, uh, I recognize that it bleeds over

a little bit into my personal life, so, uh...

It must be tough.

It's not an excuse to be rude, though,

so I just wanted...

Well, I want to give you this.

You know, you said you were learning guitar.

This is Andrés Segovia.

He's the Hendrix of guitar players.

He's terrific. I...

You're gonna like him.

His only failing, really, is he didn't O.D.,

so nobody knows who he is, but, uh... yeah.

That's really nice of you, Sam,

any way to play it. but I don't have

Oh, well, yeah, you do.

I got a... Comes with a...

There's a...

Wow.

...a latch. Um, thank you.

Sure. There you go.

There you are.

You piece of trash.

I came to you for help, but you did nothing!

No, actually, you made it worse.

This is one of those fuck-ups

that I was telling you about, okay?

I think she's on the bath salts or some...

Don't you lie to her!

You called my daughter a slob

to proposition her. and then tried

No, no, no, no, hey, what I said was that I would not fuck her.

Then you insulted her hygiene.

Yes.

But you got to admit, the girl smells a little bit

like a rotting corpse, no?

fooled Father Michael, You may have

but I can see you for the worthless human being you are.

You make me sick.

So, Segovia is the first guy

to ever put nylon strings on a guitar,

and it, uh, and that blew his sound open,

made the fingering...

Enjoy.

Hey. Check it.

We've been kicked out 'cause of you.

Unbelievable.

Like, what kind of monster evicts you using Comic Sans?

Come on, Mike.

You can't just kick us out.

I just did.

who need help? What about all the people

Well, that's on you, Loudermilk.

I made it very clear what would happen

if you didn't do your part.

Unlike you, I stick to my word.

I'm not a miracle worker Yeah,

like the bearded guy that you love so much.

You mean Jesus?

You asked me to talk to the girl,

You should have tried harder! and I talked to her.

She didn't go for it. I tried plenty hard.

My decision is final.

You brought this on yourself.

So that's it?

Yep, that's it.

Okay. Fine. You know what? I don't need you.

that will happily I can think of a million places

open up their doors to some people in need.

I started jerking off a few guys for meth money.

No big deal.

Before you know it, I was giving a couple of B.J.'s.

going more than five minutes Then it seems like I wasn't

without a dick in my mouth.

Then I hit rock bottom.

Yeah, one day, I find myself in lockup,

getting into a shouting match with a some know-it-all

to work the tip or the shaft about whether it's better

while diddling the balls.

That...

That wasn't me.

Okay. Okay, good sharing.

That's powerful stuff.

horrible idea. This was a horrible,

Uh, and that's on me.

We got to get back to the church,

but I-I-I'm gonna figure it out.

I don't want you guys to worry about it.

You're my number-one priority, okay?

Let's go.

I'm not a biologist or anything, but, uh...

it would have to be the shaft, right?

because that's where all the nerves are.

that... that's a power move. Working the balls, though,

Really a matter of contrast.

Guys, let's go!

Hey, Father.

All right, so, I'm outside of a place

called, uh, Kock Blockerz.

That sound right?

That is the worst name for a strip club I have ever heard.

Well, I don't think they understand marketing.

So, if... if I talk to Claire,

you're gonna let us back in the church, right?

All right. I'm a man of my word, Loudermilk.

I haven't been in a bar in five years,

so I hope you sleep well tonight.

All right, let's do it for the kids.

Oh, this sucks.

This sucks, this sucks, this sucks.

Hm, could be worse.

Can I get you a drink?

No. No, no, no, no.

La, la, la, la, la, la.

Yay. There she is.

Hey, Claire.

Hi.

It's you. This asshole from my house.

Aww. You're sweet to remember.

Listen, I want to spitball with you for a minute here.

to me, and she was pissed. I told my mom what you said

Yeah, well, you wanted to get me in trouble, it worked.

Oh. You got busted.

Oh. Ow.

No touching. Hey!

I'm... I'm not touching anybody.

She's touching me.

It's okay. I know him.

Take it into the champagne room.

Yeah, we're going. Thank you.

Ah, here. Let's get you some fresh air, come on.

as this all seems, So, as glamorous and fun

I've seen it before, and it doesn't end well.

You don't know anything.

I know how to barf without getting it on my shoes.

Here.

Just try not to get too much puke on it.

Why are you bothering me?

I'm trying to help.

You can't help me. Nobody can.

Get the fuck over yourself.

Come on. Really.

If you think you're the only person who...

You think I don't know misery and pain?

I was married for eight years.

And what happened? She dumped your ass?

Big fucking surprise.

No, not exactly.

I took us out for a spin one night

after a couple bottles of Jack

and wrapped the car around a tree.

I was okay.

She wasn't.

Shit happens.

What are you gonna do?

Hurting yourself is easy, but living is hard.

So, Claire, what's the thing?

Okay?

that nobody can help you with? What's the big problem

Come on. I'm in... I'm in suspense, here.

I'm not gonna be able to sleep at night.

Just... Just say it.

What the fuck is it?

I just...

I really miss my dad.

Yeah. Okay.

I know you do.

Hey, dude, get away from my girlfriend!

Guys, guys, guys.

She's upset, all right?

I just gave an awesome speech.

Please tell me you heard some of it.

No, man, we missed it.

Let's here it again, Shakespeare. Come on.

All right.

Hey.

I've been dicking around all night looking for this girl

so I can help some people with real problems.

Okay?

get out of my way, So why don't you assholes

or we're gonna do this the hard way?

So, how'd you know to call me?

There were only three numbers in his phone.

You're the only one that answered.

That's really, really pathetic.

Oh.

Oh, my God. Oh.

Gross. I'm out of here.

Is... Is he okay?

Oh, who? Ass-head Sam?

No, he's fine.

by the way. Hey, I'm kind-hearted Ben,

What the hell were you doing in a bar?

Okay, you're a drunk. I'm a drunk.

Guys like us can't do that.

It was fine. I had to find the kid.

Yeah, yeah, looks like it went really great.

You got to call me next time, man, okay?

You're not ready to be alone like that.

Ow! Ow!

They punched your feet? Oh. Seriously?

This'll help with the swelling.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, the teenage girl that I came in with...

right? you know I'm not hitting that,

Yeah, Ben filled me in on that.

Oh, thanks.

Would it be all right if we forgot

about all that business earlier and started over?

old people down stairs? Are you gonna stop pushing

Can't make any promises.

Okay.

I got to go, Sam.

Give me a shout if you guys need anything.

Thank you.

I get it.

so you can garner You staged the beatdown

the sympathy of our hot neighbor.

You are a tactical genius.

Listen, I'm gonna close my eyes.

If I die in my sleep, the Netflix password is

"Dianne" underscore "Wiest03."

Well, I hope you don't die

'cause those are terrible last words.

You've earned it.

The meeting room or the beating?

Oh, good.

Uh, go on in and set up the chairs.

I'll be in in a minute.

Can I ask you something? What?

Did that hurt?

Yeah. Good.

'Cause you made me talk about giving B.J.'s

where I get my lattes.

Who are you again?

Never mind.

You got a visitor here. Loudermilk.

Oh.

I, uh... I wanted to give this back to you.

Hm. I washed it.

You didn't have to do that.

After I threw up on it.

to have it. I'd really like you

You were, um, right, by the way.

Hurting myself is easy, and... living is the hard part.

Hm.

Well, even a blind squirrel's right twice a day.

So, uh, you're here.

You want to stick around for the meeting?

Uh, yeah, I, um...

I can't tonight.

No?

But maybe another time.

How about next week?

Maybe.

Okay.

See you maybe.

That's right. You're blowjob guy.

- Uh... - Hi.

Hey.

Uh, is Sam around?

Oh, no, he's, uh, still out running his meeting

at the church where he does... That's where he does them.

Normally, I'd invite you in,

but you just caught me coming out of the shower.

In... In your clothes?

Okay, thanks for coming by. I'll let him know.

♪ Love over again ♪

♪ Love over again ♪

.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected by Dan4Jem, AD.XII.MMXVII