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- How'd I get?

How did I get here?

Where am I?

Oh, fuck.

I'm here.

I don't belong here.

I was out there.

How did I get here?

I'm there.

I'm there.

Hmm?

Okay.

Can you stop?

No.

Okay, stop.

Okay, what are you doing?

Okay, um, nuh-uh.

Stop, stop, nuh-uh.

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

Nuh-uh.

No!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No!

Stop it!

Stop it!

And then it hits.

Waking up these days was never easy.

Especially when you haven't slept.

Especially when you refuse to sleep.

The sun seemed to creep in through the glass

as her disappointment just laid there with her

The curtains would remain closed for another hour

as she took in a series of deep breaths.

She needed these to become who she would be today.

Each one harder to take.

So what are you gonna do?

What are you gonna say to people?

Huh?

What are you gonna say?

Who's gonna believe you?

You don't trust me?

He used to always tell me

breathing is easy for the weak.

Hello, no one

is available to take your call.

Please leave a message after the tone.

Hi.

I know you don't wanna talk to me.

Just tell me that you're safe.

Please.

It's your mama.

- Hmm, look at all these people.

Just walking around.

What are you all just doing down there?

What is so exciting?

How many of them can really get away with it?

Get away with getting away from themselves.

How do you get away with it?

Hello again.

I remember you.

Each of you.

But I wish I didn't.

There's just so much, so much in these silly things.

Clothes seem silly, but they really do

hold so much power, so much memory.

I'm holding parts of him.

I'm holding him again.

I know I shouldn't be, but I just know I have to hold,

I have to hold him to feel him again.

I have to feel parts of him again.

I just wanna know him again.

You don't trust me?

I don't know, should I?

Yes.

¶ All I desire I threw in the fire ¶

Oh, thanks, I appreciate your foot.

¶ See how it burns ¶

¶ Leaves of the trees assemble me please ¶

You know what my grandmother

used to make my dad do?

What?

- She used to make him wax her back.

What?

- He'd get, like, those little icicle sticks.

You know, like those icicle pop sticks

and dip it into the, like...

Anyway, now he has two sons, you know,

so he's like, okay, I'm gonna go to work.

You can hang out with grandmother,

you know, your mother's working,

and do whatever she tells you.

So okay.

So my grandma, like, took us upstairs and she lied down

on this, like, table, this, like, massage table.

And she brings out this, like, pink gelatin stuff,

and took out one of those icicle pop scoopers.

And she said, okay, now dip this in there,

and we had to, like, dip it in there

and wipe it, smear it all over her back.

And then we'd have to, like, wax her back.

That's really fucked up.

- Yeah, we had to let it dry off, and then we'd have to,

she's like, rip it, just, just rip it!

- Thank you for telling me that story.

I appreciate it.

Do you have any intimate stories?

Do I have any intimate stories?

Yeah.

- Not as good as yours.

This is gonna sound really stupid.

- It's okay, go ahead.

- Um, I started junior high, whatever, what is that, uh?

- Middle school?

- Middle school.

And this group of girls decided that they were gonna

pick on me because I talked to their boyfriends or whatever.

I was just trying to make friends or whatever.

And, uh, one day after school one of

the girls started to beat me up.

She, like, threw me against a trash can.

I didn't understand why she did it, but she just did it.

That's the stupidest story ever, but it was fucked up.

- Well, I have a confession.

What?

- My grandmother really didn't make us wax her back,

I was just kidding around.

Trust me?

- Yes.

I often think about where he is now.

Oh fuck.

I no longer had control.

My body no longer mine.

- Hey.

Are you alright over there?

I can get you some water if you want.

It's still early.

You okay?

- Mmhmm.

- I, um...

I had fun last night.

I didn't expect you to call.

I mean, it's been, it's been a while.

- Mmm.

- Hey, you sure you're alright?

- Mmhmm, I'm great.

- It's a little early, don't you think?

- Woo!

Right on.

Fun times.

- Hey.

So last night when you're drunk you can

tell me all those things, I can kiss you?

This morning, you're close to sober,

I can't do any of those things?

- What was that?

- Yeah, I'll give you a second.

Well?

- What?

- What?

- Mhmm.

- Maybe you should stop drinking for the morning.

Mhmm.

- Seriously, are you alright?

- I'm fine.

Okay, keys by your table.

See you later, it's good to see you.

You look good.

- Thanks.

- Bye.

- Alright.

- Bye now.

Bye-bye.

Bye now.

Bye.

Bye-bye-bye.

See you later, bye.

It's good seeing you.

Can you stop?

Stop!

Get outta bed.

- No.

I will in a little bit.

Just go.

Do whatever you gotta do.

I'm just gonna take a nap, I'm really tired.

Who are you thinking about?

- What?

Who are you thinking about?

- I'm not thinking about anybody.

Look at me.

I know you're not eating,

but you still gotta brush your teeth.

- I brushed my teeth this morning.

When was the last time you showered?

- I showered today.

No, you didn't.

- Yes, I did.

I bought a new bar of soap, you didn't use it. It's still in the wrapper.

- I didn't use soap, I just showered without using soap.

So what, it's water, it's the same thing.

You know the sun's outside?

The sun is shining.

- Great.

I'm glad the sun is shining.

Who are you thinking about?

- I'm not thinking about..

Who are you thinking about?

- Nothing. I'm not thinking about...

- Stop.

Stop!

Hey.

Can you stop?

Stop it!

Hey, it's me.

You have to get out at least once today.

It is not healthy to stay in there.

Just get out there for a bit.

Take a walk.

Anywhere.

I'm here if you wanna talk.

¶ I don't sound so out of key ¶

¶ Though it's been a while since you've thought of me ¶

¶ That's okay ¶

- Oh, fuck.

¶ I don't take it personally ¶

¶ Cause I've been working on the farm ¶

¶ I use my back, I use my arms ¶

¶ I think this crop will turn out beautifully ¶

¶ But I keep one eye on the city lights ¶

¶ And I see you there in your heels and tights ¶

¶ And your top hats ¶

¶ Cause there's a wind that blows through now and then ¶

¶ That says I may never see you again ¶

¶ I lean on my hoe, almost desperately ¶

¶ But I'll be here through the winter storm ¶

Keep your voice down.

Helen will hear us.

She can't know anything about this.

Because she needs to feel safe.

She can't know, know what you did to me!

You know what you did to me!

You made me, I didn't want a child, I was a child!

¶ Give you all I had ¶

¶ No one should've treated you so badly ¶

¶ Then like a dream you disappeared ¶

- I didn't stop trusting men.

I just started to see them for what they were.

I still didn't understand how I felt about him.

Maybe one day I will.

Maybe one day I won't.

Oh, fuck.

I just want you to...

I just want you to know that I'm, I'm really...

Okay, I get it.

Call me, don't call me, do whatever you like Helen.

¶ I threw in the fire ¶

¶ See how it burns ¶

¶ Leaves of the trees assemble me please ¶

¶ With these words I've learned ¶

¶ Help me to stand where there once was quicksand ¶

¶ Now the current's fast ¶

¶ And if you cast a spell, cast it well, cast it well ¶

¶ And don't look back ¶

¶ No, don't look back ¶

¶ Time has had its hand on the pulse of me ¶

¶ So I'm taking it off ¶

¶ And oh, I wanna be down in New Orleans ¶

¶ In the heart of it all ¶

¶ So take me for a dance baby, put me in a trance ¶

¶ I like it like that ¶

¶ And sing me another song, make it long, make it long ¶

¶ And don't look back ¶

¶ No, don't look back ¶

¶ And don't look back ¶

¶ No, don't look back ¶

- Do you mind?

- What?

What do you mean, do I mind?

- If I take a picture?

- Of me?

You wanna take a picture of me?

- I do.

- Oh boy.

- Photographers never like to get their photo taken.

This is true.

Is that the case with you?

I hate my photograph being taken.

Could you look at me?

Just like that.

It's weird being on the other side, right?

Mhmm.

- Let's do one more like that.

Can you tilt your chin up just a little bit?

Look to me.

I feel like you never let people take pictures of you.

Yeah, once before.

Who were they?

None of your business.

Fair enough.

You okay?

- Mhmm.

- It's like a thing of power.

Because we're safe behind this camera.

- Okay.

I'm done, let's stop.

- We only have two more shots on this.

Want to finish it?

No, I'm great.

Let's not take any more pictures.

You sure?

- Yeah, positive.

Okay.

Are you sure you're alright?

Yeah.

Did I say something?

- No, you didn't say anything.

You're fine.

- I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable.

You don't wanna shoot me now?

- I will, later.

- What's the matter?

- Nothing.

I'm fine.

Are you sure?

- Yes!

What's the matter with you?

- Usually, when people say they're fine,

they're usually not.

- Hey honey, why don't you come over here?

It's a little cold over there.

Come on, take a load off.

Come on, it's freezing, get over here.

You okay?

Here, why don't you have some of this?

Come on, it's warm.

Come on, I don't have any cooties, go ahead.

Drink up, have some more, come on.

You okay?

It's cold out here, huh?

I wonder when my fucking bus is coming?

You been out here long?

Now if I take off when my bus comes

are you gonna be alright here?

Think you're gonna be okay?

Everything's gonna be alright, sweetheart.

The lady at the bus stop told you that, huh?

- Toby.

Toby was his name.

The guy who changed it all.

This is what he was like.

He was...

When we first met, he sort of, he sort of spoke,

he sort of spoke like this.

I have to get him, I have to get him completely right.

He would...

He would move kinda like this.

Okay, I have to become him, exactly him. So.

His shirts were always wrinkled.

He was such a beautiful mess.

I didn't really wanna hurt myself.

It was just a go at feeling something.

Just anything at all.

Your eyes, I can't look away from your eyes.

You have a story to tell.

I must know you.

I must hear you.

I know you have something to say.

I used to look at you and see my heart.

Now you disgust me.

You're just a little, weak woman,

and I have no time for weakness.

That's what he sounded like.

An artist, a poet, a thinker.

You're just a little, weak woman,

and I have no time for weakness.

¶ All I desire I threw in the fire ¶

¶ See how it burns ¶

¶ Leaves of the trees assemble me please ¶

¶ With these words I've learned ¶

¶ And help me to stand where there once was quicksand ¶

¶ Now the current's fast ¶

¶ And if you cast a spell, cast it well, cast it well ¶

¶ And don't look back ¶

¶ No, don't look back ¶

¶ Time has had its hand on the pulse of me ¶

- It was too much to bear,

seeing herself reflected in every passing face.

I wonder if any one of them hide?

If any one of them can really get away

with getting away from themselves.

Just walking, walking, and walking,

walking, and walking, and walking.

Continuously walking into nothing,

into nothing, into nothing.

- I was like you, once,

but then I found my armor.

I couldn't see my reflection.

I didn't like the way people looked at me.

I didn't like the way men looked at me.

I didn't like what they did to me.

But now I feel powerful.

I guess we'll see what happens with you.

Just calling because it's Christmas.

Your Daddy and I miss you.

¶ And the auld triangle went jingle-jangle ¶

¶ All along the banks of the Royal Canal ¶

¶ In the female prison ¶

Usual?

- Mhmm.

Cheers!

Cheers!

Cheers!

- Why are you in fucking silver?

Fair enough.

- Want.

On me, next one.

I will pay for that, I promise you.

- I think you've had enough, don't you?

- I don't know.

I'm fine.

Last one.

- Karl.

Karl, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for being my friend.

Always, love.

- Cheers.

Cheers.

- Fuck do you think you're looking at?

Karl, you look really really good today.

I've never seen you quite that sharp in my life.

- Thank you.

Are you alright?

- Will you sing me a song again?

¶ And the auld triangle went jingle-jangle ¶

- You're so good, you're so good, you're so good.

¶ You're so good ¶

¶ You're so good, you're so good, you're so good ¶

¶ You're so, you're so good ¶

Get it the fuck together.

I'm not gonna go back there.

I'm not gonna go back there where I was with him.

I know you want me to stop trying,

but I won't, okay?

I'm not angry anymore.

- I don't have to feel sorry for myself anymore.

Mama?

- My little girl.

Come here, you've come back.

Look at you.

Look at you, you've grown up!

Look at you.

- Why, why didn't you tell me?

- Let's go have some tea, yeah?

He's not here.

Tea?

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

You wanna sit down?

- Yeah.

- I'm so happy to see you.

What is it that's brought you home?

- I just wanted to see you.

- Is everything alright?

- Yeah, I mean, I mean, it will be.

- Well, that makes me happy.

That makes me very happy.

- I think I'm gonna go get some sleep.

I'm really tired.

- Okay, darlin'.

Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

- It's okay.

- I just...

And that's not the reason, Miss Thompson.

What is the reason you don't wanna go back there?

- I've told you!

- No, you haven't told me.

- Well, it's this way.

I'm trying to go straight now,

and if I go back there I can't go straight.

- What will prevent you from going

straight if you really want to?

- There's a man back there that won't let me.

- Why won't he let you?

- He just won't.

You see, it's this way.

I'm scared he'll get me again.

- Who is this man?

- Sort of a politician.

- Hmm, I see.

And you fear his influence, eh?

- Yeah, yeah, that's it.

You see, he's bad and I'm scared of him.

Does he need to know that you have returned?

Oh, he'll know.

Miss Thompson, San Francisco is a big place.

It should not be difficult for you

to keep out of his way if you want to.

Well, I'll have to get help

once I get back, and the only people

that'll help me are in with him.

If you earnestly desire to go straight

it will not be necessary for you to go

to your former friends for help.

My foundation will help you until you are on your feet.

This man you fear need never know you are in the city.

Oh, he'll know.

All the boats coming in are being watched.

- You mean tell me that every boat

coming into port will be watched

on the chance that you are on it?

- Yes.

- Mama?

- Yes, darling?

- Where is he?

- Your father is out.

- It's still, it's still exactly the same, isn't it?

He hasn't changed at all, has he?

- I love your father.

He's a good man.

He's a very good man.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

You're gonna try to get me to believe that?

- It's always complicated, Helen, okay?

- No, Mom, it isn't complicated.

It doesn't have to be complicated.

How can you love him?

How can you love a monster?

- Your father's not a monster.

- I heard you two talking.

- What are you talking about?

- You know exactly what I'm talking about!

- Stop getting so upset.

What are talking about?

I don't have any idea what you're talking about.

- You didn't want me.

You didn't, you didn't, you didn't want me, Mom.

- What?

- He, he made you have me.

You didn't want me.

- I always wanted you.

Don't say that, that's not true.

- Yeah.

You know, I had something.

I had love.

I mean, I don't know, I guess, I don't know.

I think it was love, but it wasn't love.

I don't know, 'cause it was forced on me.

- What happened?

What happened to you?

- The same thing!

The same thing that happened to you.

- But no, the thing that happened to me,

that is not what happened to you.

Helen, that is not the same thing!

Helen, did you tell someone?

- I'm telling you, I'm telling you now.

I'm telling you, Mom.

- I'm sorry.

Helen, I am so sorry that happened to you.

- Everything is not just fine because he says it is.

This is what really happened.

He raped me.

He raped me, and then he left me,

like a shot down animal, for dead.

Can you stop?

No.

Okay, stop.

Okay, what are you doing?

Okay, um, nuh-uh.

Stop, stop, nuh-uh.

Stop it, stop it, stop it!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No!

Stop it!

Stop it!

What the fuck happened?

What the fuck happened?

- Hmm?

What?

- You know exactly what I'm talking about.

- What's the matter?

- Stop, stop.

- What?

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

- Get out.

Please leave.

Leave.

- Why?

Why?

- Leave.

- Leave?

- Leave!

- Why?

What?

- Stop.

Get out!

Did you forget to take your meds or something?

What's the matter with you?

Huh?

- Get out.

What did I do?

- You know exactly what you did.

No, I don't.

What did I do?

- You know exactly what you did.

Get out.

So what are you gonna do?

What are you gonna say to people?

Huh?

What are you gonna say?

Who's gonna believe you?

- Get out!

Get out, get out, get out!

Fuck you!

This is your own fault.

You did this.

So you gotta get your act together, you understand?

You make these baseless accusations of me, right?

It doesn't matter anymore.

I've gone through all of it again now.

And now I'm alone.

Trauma is a time machine.

I believe me.

I believe me.

¶ Ah ¶

¶ Ah ¶

¶ I see you everywhere, I hear you in my head ¶

¶ I see you everywhere, I hear you in my head ¶

¶ In our bed ¶

¶ In our bed ¶

¶ In our bed ¶

¶ In our bed ¶

¶ I cannot remember my fragmented memories ¶

¶ Are all around in my head, in our bed¶

¶ In my head ¶

¶ In my head ¶

¶ In my head ¶

¶ In my head ¶

¶ In my head ¶

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