All language subtitles for The IT Crowd - 2x05 - Smoke and Mirrors.DVD.en

Transcripts: subtitle.me.uk
Sync: Sixe

Morning, beautiful.

Course, I'll send someone up
as soon as I can, OK? Bye.

You're very late,

it's been crazy down here.
We've had a call.

Sorry.

Oh, God! Oh.

Are you all right?

Are you poorly?

No, it's just, it's just a bad bra.

It's the only one I had handy
this morning and it's really terrible,

it's pinching into my sides

and the straps
are digging into my shoulders.

All that and it's not even
giving my breasts proper support!

It's killing me.

Oh, Moss.

Oh, I'm sorry, are you OK?
- What happened?

Sometimes I forget I'm not
just working with other women.

No, it's my fault, I really ought
to be able to listen

to a woman talking about bras without...

Hello, good morning, here I am.
Here we go.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, the first time
I wasn't expecting you

to start talking about bras and then,

the second time,
it just came as a bit of surprise

to hear myself talking about them.

It's been a rollercoaster.

Why don't you just have
a lie down in there?

Morning.

Morning.

God, I feel rough.

Good stag?

Yeah, you know, standard stag.

I may have got a little bit drunk
towards the end there.

Oh, well what kind of celebration

would it be if you
didn't pass out at some point?

Yeah, thank God nobody noticed.

How do you know I passed out?

I'm a bit psychic sometimes,
and I bet you came straight from

the party as well, didn't you?

Oh, that's easy, I'm wearing
the same clothes.

Roy, I was trying to remember how

that song goes, The Locomotion,
do you remember that song?

- Yeah, course I remember.
- How's it go again?

You know it, you must know it.

No, no, no. It's -

It is a funny song.

- You all right there?
- Yep,

it's just a bad bra.

Right,

I have got to go,

heads of department meeting.

After last week's fiasco,
I need to make a good impression.

We didn't think you'd believe us.

If you'd just stopped
to think about it for one second

you'd have realised that it wasn't true.

I don't think that's true.

With all due respect,
John, I am Head of IT.

And I have it on good authority.

If you type Google

into Google,

you can break the Internet,

so please...

... no-one try it,

even for a joke.

It's not a laughing matter,
you can break the Internet.

You don't know what those meetings
are like, they are murder.

It does you no harm to look a
little foolish from time to time.

Roy, there's...
something I should let you know.

What?

Stephanie called earlier.

Douglas needs someone
to take a look at his computer.

No, no, no, no, no,
get Moss to do it.

Oh, Moss isn't feeling too well
and besides, of the two of you,

you're the expert.

The Ordinary Boys,

where do they get these crazy names?

Entrare.

I'm Roy, IT.

My computer's,
my computer's broken...

I have to say that's
a really wild look.

You know, things are moving
just so fast, I can't keep up.

First, The Ordinary Boys,
and now this.

Should I check it out?

Great, yeah.

Let's get started, shall we?

What?

What needs my expertise?

You did say you were
with IT, didn't you?

Yeah.

Come on, Mr Renow, while I'm down here.
I may as well get to work.

OK, I'm gonna move over here.

Sure.

I can see where
you've been having problems.

See, this isn't actually a computer.

It's a brief case.

- Excellent.
- I'll have one sent up.

I admire you, Roy.

You've got the guts to stand
up in what you believe in.

OK, see you then.

Good luck.

Which means that we now have

the cleanest toilets of any legal
department in London.

Thank you.

Well done, James,

you managed to speak for eight minutes
without actually saying anything.

I think that...
what.

What?

No, nothing.

Who's next? Right, Jen, OK,
what's going on down in middle earth?

Thank you, John, and,
prepare to be astonished

because I have discovered four ways

to increase our online visibility
without spending a single penny.

Number one...

Excuse me, sorry...

Number one...

Number one...

You bloody thing.

For God's sake!

Bloody thing,
bloody pain in the arse.

I'm a woman.

It's really pinching my sides,

the straps are digging
into my shoulders.

Eh, Moss, look, I'm a woman.

And I love you, Moss, I love you.

The straps are digging
into my shoulders.

They're not giving my breasts
proper support,

proper support, proper support.

Hang on a second.

Hang on a second.

I've done it.

I've done it.

- Hello.
- Hello, Jen.

Who is this?

That's not important right now.

Well, it says Moss on my phone.

Yes, all right, it's me.

Why are you disguising your voice?

Because if someone is listening
in on this conversation,

I don't want them to know
my identity.

But they know now.

Yes, thanks.

So why don't you use
your normal voice, now?

It's attached to the phone,
I'd have to hang up...

Look, just listen to me.

Why don't you just
come in and speak to me?

You're ruining...
You're ruining everything.

What do you want, Moss?

Take your top off, Jen.

Sorry?

You heard me, take your top off.

- What's this all about anyway?
- You'll see.

Is this another one
of your inventions?

Maybe.

What was the last one?
Oh, yeah.

A ladder to help moths
escape from the bath.

How's that useful?

How's that not useful?

Moths don't get stuck in baths.

Yes, they do.

Even if that were true,

it's just not in their nature
to learn how to use a ladder.

They have wings.

When a moth thinks about
travelling vertically upwards,

a ladder

is just the last thing
they would think of.

Moss, I don't like
to be negative about it, but...

everything you invent is worthless.

Ah, well, prepare to put mustard
on those words,

for you will soon be consuming them,

along with this slice of humble pie

that comes direct
from the oven of shame

set at gas mark egg-on-your-face.

I sort of forget
what I was talking about.

Ah, here's Jen. Oh, that's it,
it's a bra. I've made a brilliant bra.

< How are ye?

Is it, er, comfortable?

This is possibly the most
comfortable bra I have ever worn.

Donning clothes over a bad bra

is like building a house
without laying a foundation.

It's just a false economy
and an ill-fitting bra

could well ruin your otherwise
painstakingly-selected ensemble.

You really know your stuff.

- Thank you.
- Google?

Jen, Roy, bad bras are more
than just a nuisance,

they're a menace.

Years of wearing a bad bra

can contribute to upper back
and shoulder pain.

It can even lead to headaches.

So what makes this bra different?.

It can never go bad.

What do you mean?

Tiny elements of fissilca rub
together to prevent the fabric

from resting too long
in any one position.

It's a living bra.

The effect would be rather like
having a large pair of man's hands

holding the breasts in position.

But the bra will go bad,
all bras go bad.

Not this one, Jen. But don't take my
word for it, take it out for a spin.

So what's it called?

I call it the Abracada-bra!

You are kidding me.

- No.
- You're really going on Dragons' Den?

I've got an interview today
with the producers at the BBC.

Oh, that is just huge.
You're gonna be on telly.

But you've got to keep
this under your respective hats

so if anyone asks for me,
my name is Stephen Jennal.

Why Stephen Jennal?

If my calculations are correct,
this could be the only bra

a woman need ever buy.

Do you know what Playtexwould do to me
if they knew about the Abracada-bra?

what would they do?

They would kill me.

I don't know
if they'd kill you, Moss.

Playtex have changed
a lot over the last few years.

Nonetheless,
I want complete secrecy on this one,

so if anyone asks for me,
my name is Stephen Fennal.

I chose Stephen Fennal
because it's easy to remember.

Right. Except, well, you did
say Stephen Jennal earlier.

Smoke and mirrors, Roy.
Is it Fennel? Is it Jennal?

If I don't know, how will they?

Who am I, Roy?
I'm a ghost. I'm a shadow. I'm gone.

Hello, Moss speaking.

Well done, good presentation.

- Thanks, James.
- Jen, a word.

Got Helen Bewley coming in tomorrow.
Do you know who she is?

Of course I do.

She's just been made
head of BHDR Industries,

so obviously we need to make friends.

I know, BHDR Industries,
they're the top makers of that product

that has something
to do with our company.

Exactly.

I want you up front at that meeting.

We can't have Helen going back
to BHDR saying Renham Industries

is just a boys' club.

- How does that sound?
- Sounds great.

All right, see you tomorrow.

Stephen Premmal?

Oh, hello. Yeah, I'm Stephen Premmal.

I think.

You're very late. Quick.

Hello, Stephen Premmel.
I'm afraid I'm very late.

What exactly, um, is...?

Gavin Briers here with
developments in North Korea.

It's five years
since the war in Iraq began.

The conflict rages on with
no hope of a solution in sight.

I'm joined by Stephen Premmel,

a spokesman for
the Ministry of Defence. Mr Premmel?

Hello.

Iraq is a gigantic
and bloody mess, isn't it?

Yes.

Well, how do you explain it?

Well, we shouldn't have gone to war.

You think the original
invasion was a mistake? >

Oh, yes.

I'm astonished you
should agree to this so readily

when your department
must take a lot of the blame.

What? We didn't do anything.

You raised no objection
in the run up to the war.

Yes, I did. I signed a petition.

Sorry?

I'm sorry, I'm confused.
When can I start talking about my bra?

Jen, can you bring me
the prototype when you're ready?

There are a couple
of glitches I need to iron out.

Sure.
Guess who I'm about to meet now.

Helen Bewley.

Oh, come on. She took
that football team to court

for institutional sexism,
won massive damages,

and now she's Head CEO
at BHDR Industries.

It's all right. I kinda switched off
after the word football.

Did you see it? Is he in?

Is he...?

There I am,

catching up with the news events
of the day,

when who should appear
upon my television screen?

It's only the Ministry of Defence.

The news, Dragons' Den,
you're all over the schedules.

I'm sorry, Moss, are you really sure
you're ready to go on Dragons' Den?

Yes, it's a brilliant product.

Don't get me wrong.
You have got the science down

but it's all the other stuff,
isn't it?

- What other stuff?
- OK, well...

OK, well, let's say this staple
is science,

you're good at this.

What you're not so good at

is everything else in the world.

That's where I come in.

I can help you
with all this other stuff,

you know, give you some
tips on business and presentation,

leaving you free
to concentrate on this.

- What's in it for you?
- A cut.

All right,
you're in for half a percent.

25%.

Half a percent.

Deal.

OK, first thing we need to do

is buy the rights
for the word Abracada-bra.

Agreed, but before that, we've got
to sort out the overheating problem.

Overheating problem?

Yes, it's got a very,
very, serious overheating problem.

I'll have it sorted by next week.
Just need to get it back off Jen.

Which has lead to significant gains

in this area
and an overall yield of 22%.

Thank you very much. Jen, is it?

Yes, Miss Bewley.

Please, Helen.

As the only 2 women in the room, we can
dispense with formalities, don't you?

Renham Industries has come a
long way in the past few years

if a young woman like this
can blossom within its walls.

I remember when the atmosphere here
here was a lot less conducive

to what I can remember
one executive calling "working skirt".

Yes. Well, I think we're all a little
older and a little wiser now, Helen.

One would hope so.

Are you OK, Jen?

My tits.

Oh, my tits are hot.

They're really, really hot.

Oh, my tits are on fire.

Yep, my tits are on fire.

They are on fire.
My tits are on fire!

Oh, yeah! All right!

- 40%.
- 20%.

40. 40?!

You owe me. Helen Bewley
has gone away thinking I was a stripper

hired as a prank.

But 40%, Jen, be reasonable.

I have two black rings around here.

I could sue you and get everything.

- All right, all right.
- Good, thank you.

Now, I can concentrate
on your presentation.

- I'm doing presentation.
- Where did you get pizza?

Some idiot left it in the toilet.

I am doing presentation.

No, hold on. Moss is my best friend,
and I'm damned if I'm...

- Do something else.
- Like what?

I don't know. Fitness.

Fitness?!

People do need to be fit
to go on Dragons' Den.

Come on, Moss,
you're keeping the dragons waiting.

Hey, Jen, Roy.

You look amazing.

Thank you.

And you sorted out the
overheating problem?

I'm completely sure that
I've absolutely sorted out

the overheating problem, yes.

Unless I've made it even worse.

How do you feel? Do you feel ready?

My middle name is ready.
No, that doesn't sound right.

I eat ready for breakfast.

OK, maybe don't talk too much.
Let the product do the talking.

What do I do
when they want me to do the talking?

- You're scaring him.
- Don't be scared, Moss.

This is one of the biggest
moments of your life.

You cannot get
nervous now because if you do, Moss,

it'll be a disaster, a disaster!

Shut up!

I don't want to do it.
I feel trapped, like a moth in a bath.

Moss, we're already late.

Will you come on with me?

- What?
- Please.

Oh, actually,
maybe it's just the thing.

If Helen Bewley sees it, she'll realise
I'm a proper professional,

and not a member
of the sex industry. You sure?

I'm positive.
You can do presentation.

And I'll do fitness.

'Jen, Roy and Morris are IT
professionals with Renham Industries.

'They walk up the stairs

and across the room.

'They nod at the dragons.

'One of them, Morris,
puts a case on a chair.

'The dragons are beside
piles of money, with pens.'

Women in the workplace...

Take your time.

Women working
in a workplace environment...

work in workplaces...

where they work...

and as a woman,

and as a woman, as a worker,

as a woman worker who...

works in the workplace...

Sorry, bit of asthma.

We are looking for �400,000 for 2%.
We'd welcome your questions.

Wow, this music sounds like
it comes from space.

- Yeah, mate.
- It does.

Ordinary boys they ain't.

I'm having a good time. Yeah.

This is good, good shit.