Original subtitles

♪ I love you and you love me ♪

♪ We love you and you love we ♪

Yes, it's Blarney.

The earth's happiest bouncing ball of foam.

His daily television show is beloved by children everywhere.

And now you can have these same adored programs in your own home.

The Blarney home video library.

We'll send you one tape each hour, for the next decade.

It's like having Blarney as a delightful houseguest who never leaves.

♪ ...and you love we ♪

Whee!

Watch this, boys and girls.

♪ Hey, hey, heh Whoop! ♪

Now, I want you to watch this tape. It's very important.

Ooh, is it Blarney on the farm?

♪ I am Blarney on the farm ♪

- ♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪ - No.

Huh? Well, is it Blarney at the zoo?

♪ I am Blarney at the zoo E-I-E-I-O ♪

No, stop that. It's not Blarney.

This is a tape where you actually learn something.

Ooh.

This is... Your Solo Wilderness Ritual.

Ever since ancient times, young children like you

have been demanding and self-centered.

Me, me, me! Gimme, gimme.

I don't care about you at all.

So it was up to the parents to demonstrate to the child

that his unbridled self-centeredness would be tolerated only up to a point.

That's it!

Whoa! Hey!

And thus the solo wilderness ritual was created.

Hey, what's the big idea?

Left alone for several days, the child soon came

to appreciate the importance of his family.

Boy, family sure is important.

Ready to come back in now!

This valuable lesson learned,

the parents would welcome the child

back into the safe and loving confines of the family.

Oh, whoa!

If they were quick enough.

Neat-o!

Today, the solo wilderness ritual is purely symbolic.

Toddlers like you are taken out to the woods

and left on an orthopedically-designed stone perch for 20 minutes.

And then taken out for a happy meal.

So good luck on your solo wilderness ritual.

Did you understand the tape?

Sure. Gimme cookie.

- We don't have any cookies. - Go to the store.

No. And that's exactly why you have to be left in the woods.

So you can learn that the world does not revolve around you.

- Mommy's not going to the store? - No.

Oh, I understand.

Daddy! Go to the store!

Honey, I'm home.

Aaah!

- Ohh! - Ow!

- Ow! - Ooh!

Aah!

Daddy! Go to the store!

- Daddy! Go to the store. - Hey, Earl, isn't that

- your infant calling? - Yep.

But my extensive experience as a parent has taught me that

if you ignore him long enough, the wife gets him.

Wow, you make it look so easy.

- Daddy. - Go, babe.

I have something important I want to ask you.

Uh-huh.

Well, how do you know when you found true love?

Uh...

Oh! Oh! Shh. Game's on.

Oooh!

- Ahhh. - Huh? What?

Guys, it's just a bunch of letters flying around.

Bunch of letters?!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy, fella...

Females just don't understand the critical role

that digital graphics play in professional sports.

We'll be back with more exciting logo action later.

But first, lets get back down on the field

and check in on the game.

Boy, life doesn't get much better than this.

You got your beer, your best friends,

and three hours of virtual paralysis.

Earl, are you ready to go?

Huh? Fran, there is no going on playoff day.

Only staying. Perhaps a little shifting,

readjusting of cushions, reaching for salted snacks...

Earl, you promised to take Baby out for his solo wilderness ritual.

- Not today, my sweet. - It has to be today.

This is the third Sunday after his second birthday

as set forth in The Book of Dinosaur.

No... I believe today is the third round after the second round of playoffs

as set forth in the guide of TV.

- Fine. - Fine.

You win.

Uh-oh.

Want beer nuts. The hot kind.

And juice. Need juice to wash 'em down.

Hey, watch me pick my nose!

Ahh... Say, Earl,

I think it's gonna be kind of tough

to enjoy the game with the kid here.

Want a puppy! Now!

So maybe you should just take him out

on his little wilderness ritual.

No. Not a chance. These are the playoffs,

this is my comfy chair,

and nothing short of a bursting bladder

is gonna get me out of it.

Our exciting halftime show,

featuring those turtlenecked youngsters, Up With Reptiles.

♪ Up, up with reptiles ♪

♪ We're here to brighten your... ♪

- We're outta here. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Oh, yeah. Outta here.

Hey, check the game, son. Is it still halftime?

Oh, uh, let me check.

♪ Up with reptiles We're the greatest... ♪

If only the armies of the world could don turtlenecks

and join hands in a happy song,

the whole world could come together

in a joyous parade of love.

Yeah, and you'd be the Grand Marshal.

- Yeah, yeah. That's me. - Are we there yet?

Yep. This would be it. Hallowed ground.

Prepare to experience one of life's most profound and timeless lessons.

- This stinks! - And not a moment too soon.

I'm tired. Take me home.

Juice is warm! Where's Mama?

- Yeah, yeah. - Gee, Robert.

Being here on this spot brings back a flood of bittersweet memories.

Were you left here when you were little?

Oh, indeed I was.

Some 30-odd years ago, my father placed me on the sacred stone

and disappeared into the woods, never to be seen again.

You mean, he didn't come back to get you?

No. After several days I was found and raised

by a kindly park ranger who never married.

As for my father,

I can only assume he fell from some cliff or was eaten by predators.

Hey, cheer up. Maybe he just abandoned you.

- Oh... Yeah. - My butt's cold!

Oh. Oh, yeah. Time to read from the sacred pamphlet.

Come on, gather around, guys.

Yep. OK.

"Son, slash, daughter..."

- Hmm? - Um...

"We leave you here today for a symbolic ritual of discovery.

That you may learn that nothing is more important

than home and family."

There's the start of the second half.

Yada, yada. Growth, eternal wisdom, blah, blah.

- See ya. Come on, guys. - But what about me?

You stay on that rock until you learn your place

in the family structure. Or the end of the third quarter.

Why?

Because you have to learn that you need us.

That's the sacred lesson.

Ah... to you too.

- This is so beautiful. - Come on.

- Oh. Oh, yeah. OK. - Come on, Roy.

Hurry, behind the wall.

Ooh. OK, let me see.

- Give. - Hey.

- Dad. Hey. - Nice TV, Roy.

Couldn't you get anything smaller?

I got it free with my subscription

to Dawn of Time magazine.

Judy the operator sent it to me. I'm pretty sure she digs me.

- There's the kickoff. - Oh.

- Jackson takes it. On the ten. - Go Jackson.

He's hit hard! Fumble! Who's got the ball?!

The picture! It's gone!

Do something! Move the aerials.

I'm trying, Dad. Look.

- Maybe if we step to the left. - Right! Go to the left.

Left, left, left, left. No, no. It's getting worse!

- Go the other way. - Right, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no. No, go... Go straight ahead.

- Move straight ahead here. - Straight ahead, yeah.

- More, more, more. Baby step. - Yeah. Uh-huh.

That's it! Don't move! It's perfect.

Uh... Guys...

Shh, shh, shh. They're showing a replay.

- Yeah, yeah. - Uh, we're in trouble.

Oh, no. Think positive, Robbie.

With two full quarters of play remaining

- it's anybody's game. - I mean, we're in trouble.

- Yeah. - Look.

- Hmm? - Huh?

Oh, boy! We're in a tar pit!

What do we do?! What do we do?!

Oh, that's easy.

We sink slowly into the thick black goo,

experiencing crushing, lung-bursting suffocation

until our lives are snuffed out in searing, black nothingness.

- Don't sugar-coat it, Roy. - We have to get help somehow.

How do you propose we do that? There's no one for miles.

- I don't know. - Keep it down!

I'm having a ritual over here.

The baby!

- Son, son, come over here! - Hey, little guy.

I'm busy!

Daddy, Robbie and Uncle Roy are in a little trouble.

We need you to come here and give us a hand.

You said, "Don't leave rock."

Well, things change. Get over here!

I'll think about it.

He'll think about it? What's he have to think about?!

Just how the heck does he expect to survive

in this wilderness without us?

- Yeah. - Huh? Huh? Huh?

- Help! - Help!

Son! Hurry! Help us, please!

- Hi. - Oh. Hey, little guy.

I knew we could count on you.

Ooh, a mud puddle. Can I come in?

- No! No, no, no. - No, no, no. No, it's not mud.

It's tar. We're stuck in it and we're sinking.

- Yeah. - Now we need you to help.

- So listen very carefully. - Ooh, a butterfly.

Hey!

Forget the stupid butterfly!

Oh, pally-boy, I believe I can handle this.

Hey, little fella.

Wanna play a fun game with Uncle Roy?

Yay, games!

Alrighty. And you get to go first.

All you have to do is pull down these vines,

then lash together logs to form a lattice over the pit.

From there, you fashion a crude winch,

and using a system of counterweights, hoist us out.

You go first.

We can't go first! We can't move! Can't you see that?!

- Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad. - Sorry.

Listen, pal. We're in trouble and we need a big boy to help us out.

- Are you a big boy? - Yeah.

OK. Now, go back the same way we came,

get help, and bring them back here.

Hmm. Go back, get help, bring them back here. Got it.

- I'm a big boy! - Yeah!

- Well, what do you know? - I think he'll come through for us.

Oh, sure. That lad may be young, and a trifle inexperienced,

but when lives are at stake, a sort of primitive survival instinct kicks in,

driving him to pursue his goal with sheer determination.

- Yep. - Ooh! A stick!

We're all gonna die!

Go get help, bring it back. Go get help, bring it back.

Go get help, bring it back. Go get help, bring it back.

Go get help, bring it... Oh.

Uh-oh.

Huh? What's that?

Oof! Didn't hurt, nothing broken. Happens all the time.

It's all part of living in a tree without wings. How ya doin'?!

- Who are you? - I'm Woody, short for Woodrow.

Glad to know you, and...

- You're it! Ha, ha! - What are you talking about?

Don't you know anything? Come on, come on. This is tag.

Basic stuff. You either know it or don't.

- I don't. - OK, here it is.

I tag you, you're it. You tag me, I'm it.

You're right, you're right. There's no point. I'm bored, let's move on.

I know! Let's spin around and around and get dizzy and chuck. Huh?

- Can't. - What do you mean? Sure you can.

- Barfing's fun. - Wanna see?

No. Gotta save Daddy and Robbie.

Ooh... Daddy and Robbie? New game!

I'll be Daddy, you be Robbie. Who goes first? What do we do?

- I'm bored. Move on. - No, no, no. It's not a game.

It's not a very good one, but you're new at this.

No, no, no. I can't play now.

- Gotta save Daddy and Robbie. - I got toys.

- They're not going anywhere. - Come on, come on, come on!

Help! Somebody! Somebody help us! Help!

Somebody save us!

Oh, what a nightmare. Every inch we sink saps our strength,

weakens our resolve, brings us closer to death...

- And wreaks havoc on our reception. - Yeah.

Was that a touchdown or an ad for Mulching Mower?

I think it was a touchdown.

How come they're raking him into a bag?

I can't believe all you guys can think about

- is that stupid TV. - Hey.

I'll have you know that the soft blue light of the cathode-ray tube

has always comforted me. Always soothed my frazzled nerves.

Oh! Oh, my God, I'm losing it!

- Roy, I'm losing it! - Dad! Get a hold of yourself.

Hey.

Hey. That did the trick.

I got the picture back. Although, it could use more contrast.

Oh! Ooh.

- There we go. - See.

- Things are starting to go our way. - Yeah.

Wait a second. Why didn't I think of this before?

The TV. Convert it into a simple transmitter and radio for help.

That's a pipe dream, son. After all, what tools do we have?

Well, I have my soldering iron.

And I brought these diodes, if that'll help.

- Give me that! Jeez. - Hey. What are you...?

- We are not gutting this TV. - Nah...

And... It has nothing to do with the fact that

we're in a crucial fourth quarter scoring drive.

- Mmm-hmm. - It's because... gutting this TV

would be admitting that we've lost faith in that little baby,

who at this very moment is out there... alone,

risking all... in a desperate effort to save our lives.

- 20 yard line, first and ten. - Help!

- Help! Somebody help us! - Help! Help! Help!

Yeah!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Ah! Yeah! Yeah!

Wow!

You destroyed the entire universe.

Big ball of fire. Everything's dead. Nothing left.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - Oh, no, it's good. Bonus points.

- Lots and lots and lots. Yeah. - Oh! Again!

What'd I tell ya, Squirt? It's a great game. Can't beat it. My favorite.

I'm bored. Play something else.

OK! New game, here it is. Gotta get two idiots out of the tar pit. Got it? Go!

- Yeah. Yeah. Two idiots? - Two idiots.

- Out of the tar pit? - Out of the tar pit.

- OK. - Master that and go to the next level.

- Three idiots stuck in a tar pit. - Three idiots...

Wait a second... Yeah, that's it.

- Gotta get help, bring it back. - Wait a minute. No, you can't go now.

Next level, bonus points. Save the princess.

No, no, no. Gotta save Daddy and Uncle Roy and Robbie. Bye-bye.

But... No. No, stay. Stay, stay.

- But... Uh... - Bye-bye.

But I've got milkshakes, Pixy Stix!

Raw cookie dough!

Here's the snap. It's put down.

Oh, it's just wide! Into the stands...

Um... I was just thinking...

Maybe this is why Pop never came back for me.

Maybe he stumbled into this very pit and was sucked under.

Maybe he always meant to come back for me, but died a tragic death instead.

Hey, wouldn't that be great?

Hey. Uh, is the tar getting warmer?

- Uh... - Yeah, I feel that too.

- Oh. - Uh, sorry guys.

- Too many beers back at the house. - Oh! Jeez!

That's the end of regulation.

We're headed for sudden death.

Sudden death? How ironic.

Yeah. For some reason, I don't feel like watching the game anymore.

Yeah, me neither.

This moment I realize there's more to life than football.

Yeah.

- Let's see what else is on. - Yeah.

I can't believe you two! We're dying here.

These are our last moments on the earth, and all you can do is stare at the TV.

- Well. - Gimme.

- Hey! - Give it.

This idiot box is not gonna save our lives.

- Hey! Hey! Oh. - Wait, wait, wait.

Oh, Robbie!

Next up on Trail Tips,

I'm going to show you the easy way to extract yourself from a tar pit.

Should you ever brainlessly stumble into one, just follow these simple steps.

One...

Two...

And three, you're out.

Wasn't that simple? Let's see that again in slow motion.

What are the odds?

Go get help, bring it back.

Go get help, bring it back. Go get help...

Wait a second! Bring it back where?

Oh... Oh, boy.

Hey... Ooh. Huh?

- Oh. - Would you lookie here.

Now, what in tarnation are you doing out here in these woods, youngster?

- Huh? - Gotta find help.

Ah. Well, I may qualify as help.

You see, I'm a woodsman.

Yeah, I've spent years wandering these woods.

I know 'em like the back of my hand.

Daddy and brother are stuck in a tar pit.

- There's tar pits out this way? - Mmm-hmm.

- We better find them quick then. - Hey, hey, back off, pops.

He's mine. I found him and I'm keeping him.

Woodrow, shouldn't you be in bed?

Wanna sneak into the candy factory?

It's cool! Piles and piles and piles of candy and no parents.

We'll get tummy aches. It'll be great!

- Ooh! I love tummy aches! - Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh...

Now, I'm sure that would be a heap of fun,

but this young'un's got a family to think of right now.

And if you, uh, let 'em down,

well, you'll be all alone, like me.

Lots of candy. All you can eat.

Fill up and then go sit on the swings. Can't beat it!

Hmm...

Son!

- Help us! - We're sinking!

Candy.

Hey! Hey, don't you look at that other thought bubble.

We're family!

Yeah. We're more important than candy!

Help!

Ah... Yum, yum, yum, yum...

I know we're only moments away from death, guys.

But this sauna-like heat is working wonders on my love handles.

I feel pounds lighter.

You know, facing our ultimate end,

I find myself grappling with the big questions.

Who created us? Why are we here?

I created you and we're here because of your mother.

Thanks. I'm ready to die.

You know, I just can't help thinking about that little guy out there.

- Hmm. - Cold... Lost... Hungry.

- Hey! - Huh?

How'd you guys get so short?

- Yay! You're back! - Hey! And you brought help!

Hey, I picked you instead of candy.

- Oh! Way to go, little guy! - There's candy?

Yes, sir, this little fella wrestled with some mighty temptations.

But he kept talking about his family and how important it was to him.

He kept on saying, "Gotta get help, no time to waste."

Excuse me, could we hear about this later?

Oh.

Sure. Let's get you boys out of there.

- Yeah. - Let me see now...

I feel very funky.

Yeah, I gotta get home and take a shower.

Yeah. But first, it's time for the all-important conclusion

of the solo wilderness ritual.

- Ah. - Congratulations, little guy.

I think you proved to us all here that you're part of this family.

And that you've learned to think of others, not just yourself.

Want happy meal! Now!

You got it!

Hey. Say, stranger...

- Uh, the name is Les. - Oh, well, Les, care to join us

for a colorfully-boxed dinner with a special toy?

I can't. Gotta keep searching these woods.

- Oh. - See, I left my son on that very stone,

- oh, pretty near 30 years ago. - Uh-huh.

Yep. Got lost, and by the time I found my way back,

- well, he was gone. - Oh.

Yep. Vowed I'd search till I'd found him.

- OK. Maybe some other time. - All right.

- No, no. Wait. Wait, Uncle Roy. - Huh?

Doesn't that sound an awful lot like your story?

Well, it's got a couple of superficial similarities.

Look. What was your son's name?

- Roy. - Right.

- And what was your father's name? - Les.

Well...?

Oh, my gosh, it's fate!

I was meant to help you look for your son!

Well, I can always use a hand.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, Roy! - Where are you, Roy?

- Come here, buddy. - I know that one.

Huh. You think they'll ever figure it out, Dad?

Figure what out?