Original subtitles

From the producers of Hair Trigger Cop and Hair Trigger Cop II

comes another pointless exercise in gratuitous violence.

- Goody. - He was just an ordinary cop.

Then one day they killed his partner, his wife,

his kids, his parents, -

and his travel agent.

Then they ran over his dog,

a couple of times.

This time you've gone too far!

Now he's angry.

He's way past the boiling point, he's...

Exploding Cop. Coming to a theater near you.

No one under 17 admitted unless accompanied by money.

- Yeah, I'm there. - Yeah, me too.

- Me three. - It's a date.

Dad, I've read that seeing all that violence

has a bad effect on kids.

Yeah? What a crock.

You've gone too far, Mr. Snuggle Bear.

Where does he dream this stuff up?

Oh, Dad, I need you to sign this consent form

- for wilderness survival camp. - How much?

Daddy, this is not about money.

This is about my summer vacation

and my time of personal growth and enrichment.

- It's more than 100, isn't it? - 350.

But it will help me gain confidence

- and learn who I am. - I can tell you who you are.

Somebody who's not going to get 350.

- Why not? - Because $350 is a lot of money.

I know, but...

As a female you don't have a head for figures.

So let me put it in terms you'll understand:

if it were lipstick it would be, uh...

$350 worth of lipstick.

Fine, fine.

I'll find a part-time job and pay for it myself.

You find work?

I don't mean to sound patronizing, but...

a little girlie thing like you?

Girlie, girlie, girlie, girlie.

Uh-oh.

This time you've gone too far.

She's gonna explode!

Honey, I'm home.

Aaah!

- Ohh! - Ow!

- Ow! - Ooh!

Ahh!

Since my dad won't pay for it, I decided to earn my own money.

Charlene Sinclair. Charlene.

- Charlene... - Yeah.

Hey, that's a girl's name, isn't it?

Well, I am a girl.

Now I'm really lost.

Why would a girl want to apply for a job as a busboy?

Because I can do the job as well as any boy

and I should get a fair chance.

No, come on, are you seriously suggesting

that a female can load stacks of dirty dishes into a sink?

Anybody can do that.

Wait, did Al our maître d' send you in here?

'Cause he's always pulling these kooky stunts on me.

- Al didn't send me in. - Yes, he did.

Look, I really want to work.

A girl lookin' for a job as a busboy.

That guy's twisted. He's a nutcase, huh?

Hey, tell Al he's a kook, and I love him!

A bag boy.

Bag boy!

Paperboy, paperboy.

What is this, a riddle?

- Errand boy. - Delivery boy.

- Bat boy. - Cow boy.

Mama's boy.

Ball boy.

Cocktail waitress boy.

He was a cop trying to put his life back together.

And they killed his second wife, his foster parents,

his adopted son and his therapist.

But he was OK,

until his market ran out of peanut butter.

You're out of crunchy!

This time you've gone too far!

Exploding Cop II.

Uh...

Cleanup on aisle four.

I wanna explode.

Honey, you're not going to explode.

Wanna bet?

Whoops! Need a diaper, aisle four.

- Hi, everyone. - Hi, sweetheart.

How's the job hunt?

Terrible. There's nothing out there for females.

Now don't get discouraged.

Keep plugging away and you'll find something just wonderful.

That's right, Charlene. I hear they're hiring now...

in your mom's imagination.

- What's that supposed to mean? - She doesn't have a chance.

Haven't you ever heard of the old boys' network?

- What's that? - It's a bunch of old guys

who all went to the same school and belonged to the same clubs.

They all get together and smoke cigars

and do everything they can

to keep females from getting ahead.

Oh, that's just a myth.

You're watching OBN, the Old Boys' Network.

Member-supported television dedicated to keeping females in their place.

Oh, we're back.

I'm John Thomas III.

My guests tonight are all captains of industry.

And between us we own, um, just about everything, really.

As it should be.

The topic tonight: females.

What's with 'em?

What says you, Johnson?

Well, I haven't the foggiest, JT.

You give them a perfectly good kitchen and six kids

and they're still complaining. Harpies one and all.

I hear some of them want to join the workforce.

Good lord, that's all we need.

Pink bulldozers with drapes.

It's not going to happen.

- Are we agreed? - Agreed.

A toast, to our members.

- To our members. - Cheers.

They explored both sides of that issue.

Oh, Charlene.

I can't believe this.

Monica was right. There is an old boys' network.

Uh... no, there isn't.

- I just saw it. - OK, there is.

That stinks, Daddy.

Oh, sweetie, honey, cupcake.

Ow!

Look, it's a male's world out there.

I don't like it any more than you do,

but, hey, what you gonna do?

There's no reason a female

can't do the same work a male can.

Oh, please! Can you push down trees?

Can you build tract housing?

Can you hunt down a poor defenseless animal

and shoot him in the back when he's not looking for sport?

Well, I'd like the chance to try.

You can't change the world, sweetheart.

Oh, no? Well, I'm gonna write the Chief Elder

and see what he has to say about it.

Yeah, right.

With all the problems he has, he's going to have time

to read your pathetic little letter.

My fellow Pangaeans,

recently my administration has come under fire

for being unfocused and disorganized

in its response to our nation's many woes.

I take full responsibility

and pledge that, starting tonight,

we will move forward boldly and decisively

on the one issue which means most to the Pangaean public,

and that issue is...

equal employment opportunities for females.

And to, um, uh...

Miss Charlene Sinclair,

the thanks of a grateful nation.

I called you big, sniveling piles of blubber in here

so we can all collectively congratulate Sinclair.

- Hey! Nice job. - Way to go, pally-boy!

Oh, shut up!

Don't you even want to know why?

Did you want us to want to know why, sir?

Hess, one day I'm gonna gut you and turn you into luggage!

Well, I've always dreamed of traveling with you.

Oh, shut up!

Because Sinclair can't control his daughter,

the Elder has passed a new law

requiring that any company that has a federal contract

has to hire females.

And guess who just got a big federal contract?

- Uh, Earl? - Earl?

- Way to go, buddy! - Hey, way to go!

Stop talking!

The point is we need female employees pronto.

So there's going to be some personnel changes around here...

changes that affect you.

Oh.

- Ah. - I feel like a two-bit floozy.

Don't flatter yourself, Sinclair.

Now you gals pull yourselves together.

A government weasel's gonna be here any minute to check up on us.

I suppose I should've gotten pantyhose with the breathable crotch.

- I have a pair in the trunk. - Does this handbag to with this hat?

All right, here he comes. Now act dainty.

Morning, Mr. Richfield. Good morning, ladies.

Good morning.

As you can see, I'm up to my butt in females here.

So why don't you just cross us off your list,

grab yourself a donut on the way out

and these young lovelies can get back to pushing trees.

Uh, not so fast, Mr. Richfield.

You'd be surprised how many companies try to deceive the government.

So if you don't mind, I'd like to ask these ladies

a few simple questions designed to verify gender.

And why don't we start with, uh... You, Miss, uh...

Earl... Earletta.

Would you step into the examination room, please?

Miss Earletta,

you're driving around at night and you're lost.

Do you ask for directions

or... keep on going?

Well, I'd do the sensible thing

and pull into a gas station and ask directions.

Ah.

Of course, if it hadn't been for my wife

yappin' all the time I wouldn't be lost in the first place.

"Turn around, you missed the exit. Let's go back..."

I mean, my husband.

Mm-hmm.

You have a personal problem that's been bothering you.

Your friend sees you're upset and offers a sympathetic ear.

What do you do?

Well, I bottle it up inside

until it becomes larger than life,

causing me to lash out at those I love.

- Yep. - Yes.

Then I go out and get a tattoo.

All right, miss, you're at a cocktail party

and you feel your pantyhose beginning to run.

What do you do?

Uh, dab it with clear nail polish.

Why, that's... correct.

Yeah. I read it in one of my glamour magazines.

They're chock-full of babes in lingerie, you know.

I see no reason to continue this charade.

Good! Well, then, if we have your approval

- we can get back to work. - Richfield, this is a disgrace!

The law requires that you employ at least one female,

and none of these even come close.

Well, except for the guy in the polka dots.

I'm afraid I'll have to recommend cancellation of your contract.

Excuse me, um, Daddy?

Here's that sports bra you called about.

There, there! That's one of our female employees now!

I see. And what exactly is her position here?

Position? Uh, well, uh...

Um, she is... She has a very important position.

She's the, uh... She's the supervisor.

You mean she's our boss?

Uh-huh.

Jeez. Twenty years stuck in the same job,

and my daughter becomes my boss in 20 seconds.

What do you make of that?

It's like your life is a series of meaningless events

leading up to a moment of utter futility and disappointment.

- Just checking. - Ah.

It's funny, you know.

Charlene is your boss, so you have to listen to her.

- Yeah. - Uh, but you're her father,

so she has to listen to you.

Hey, you know, in a way that makes you your own boss.

Oh, or Charlene her own daughter.

Roy, I think you're on to something.

- I didn't mean... - No, no, no, no, no.

No, don't you see? Charlene's just a little girl.

She has to take guidance from her father.

- Yeah. - Now if the guidance I pass on

just happens to be of benefit to us...

Ah.

Excuse me, workers, gather 'round, everyone.

Uh, workers, gather 'round, please.

If I can have everyone's attention.

I just want you all to know that as your new supervisor

I plan to be tough but fair.

I believe that...

Uh, sweetheart, that's a very nice speech,

but, uh, it's almost one o'clock.

Uh... but what happens at one o'clock?

Oh, honey. You're the supervisor, you should know these things.

Well, I'm kinda new at this.

Well, normally it would be time for lunch, but, uh, today is...

- Tuesday. - Hup!

Takeoff Tuesday.

Yeah, it's the one day of the week

where we take off right after lunch.

Is it 1:00 already?

Gee, I'd better hurry home. The wife's gonna worry.

Really? Well, uh, OK, then.

I guess I'll see everyone here bright and early tomorrow morning.

- Right. - Oh, well, normally, yes,

but, uh, tomorrow is, um...

- Um... - Waterslide Wednesday.

- Ah. - Yeah, that's it.

I guess I have a lot to learn.

Yep. But we'll be right there to help you along.

- Thanks. - That's right.

♪ La la, la la

Hi. Charlene?

- Hi. - Oh, hi.

I heard you got a job at Wesayso.

Oh, not just a job. I'm the supervisor. Ha!

What are you doing home in the middle of the day?

We don't have an ironing board at work.

The guys said I could wash and iron their shirts at home.

- You're doing their laundry? - It's Fluff-and-Fold Friday.

You wouldn't believe how much there is to learn

about the operational complexities of a large multinational corporation.

Oh, there's my cupcakes.

Cupcakes?

Yes. There's so much baking to do for Dessert Tray Tuesday.

Honey, I think someone's taking advantage of you.

- Who'd want to do that? - ♪ Cupcakes, I love cupcakes

- ♪ Yummy, yummy, yummy... - Mm-hmm.

Oh, hey, listen, sweetheart.

To avoid fights breaking out over the cupcakes,

make sure you spell out the guys' names in sprinkles.

- What? - Yeah.

- Uh-huh. - Daddy!

You and the guys are taking advantage of me.

Nonsense.

By any chance, has somebody been polluting your mind

with her male-hating propaganda?

Earl, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

- Yeah. - Oh, come on!

She's not a real supervisor.

- What?! - She's just a token female.

- Ooh. - Don't worry, honey.

You'll always be Daddy's little token female.

I was hired as a supervisor,

and that's just what I'm going to be.

I can do that job as well as any male.

I'd like everybody's attention. I have an announcement to make.

Things have been a little lax around here,

- and from now on... - Not now, honey, we're busy.

- Uh, left foot, red. - I'm serious.

It's time to start working.

Spin again, Roy. I'm getting a cramp.

Fine, fine! I can see that you boys are busy.

I guess you just don't have time for... donuts.

- Huh? Donuts? - Mmm.

- Yeah. - Wait, guys, don't go. It's a trick!

No, it's not a trick. It's an incentive.

I'll give each one of you a donut

for every tree that you push over.

You're not talking about those bite-size donut gems, are you?

What? No. Full size.

- Day old? - No. Bakery fresh.

Hey! I'm gonna push down a million trees.

Good.

Guys, come back!

You are taking orders from a female.

Traitors!

Daddy, there's a coconut frostie with your name on it.

Not if it was the last donut on Earth.

- Oh. - Uh...

- It's not, is it? - No. I'll just leave it out here

in case you change your mind.

Good. Here you go.

- Not bad. - Yeah.

Hey. Great work today, guys.

You've broken the old Wesayso record.

Yeah, well, we owe it all to you, Miss Sinclair.

- Aw, shucks. - Let's hear it for Charlene,

the best tree supervisor we ever had.

- Hey. Hip hip... - Hooray!

- Hip hip... - Hooray!

- Hip hip... - Hooray!

Thanks, guys.

- OK. - Here you go.

- Oh, yeah, thanks. - Great.

- Donuts! - Da...? Oh.

Well, we're finished.

You can punch out and go home now.

Sorry, but that would be taking orders from a female.

Hmm?

There. I believe I'll go home now.

OK. Uh-uh-uh! That's for workers.

Fine. Don't spoil your dinner, Miss Supervisor.

Fine. Humph!

Sinclair... I mean, Miss Sinclair!

Could I see you in here for a moment?

Sure, boss.

Yes, sir?

Since you've joined us, productivity has risen...

- 300 percent. - Oh.

At this rate, we'll finish our three-year contract in six months.

- No need to thank me, sir. - Thank you?! I'm gonna kill you!

- What? - We're government contractors.

I was just trying to be efficient.

- Don't say that word! - Efficient?

Aaah! The E word is our enemy.

If a contract calls for three years you take four, or eight.

- They expect it. - Sir, I don't understand.

Well, of course you don't. You're a female.

- What? - It took millions of years

for males to get this system down,

and you screwed it up in a week.

That doesn't make any sense.

Oh! Well, perhaps I'm not making myself clear.

How about this? You're fired!

Now get out of here before I rip out your intestines for a jump rope!

Efficient.

- Get out! - Aaah!

- I'm back. - Hi, honey.

Dinner's almost ready. Why don't you wash up?

Oh! Another order from a female. When will this insanity end?

I take it you and Charlene are still having problems.

Why can't you two sit down and reason this out?

Oh, sure. Put me at a disadvantage.

I'll tell you how we're gonna settle this.

She wants to be a guy?

We'll settle it the same way I would with any guy who got in my way.

Hi, I'm home.

OK, Charlene, just you and me, right now.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Charlene, I'm glad you're here.

If you and your father will keep working together

you two need to talk.

Don't worry, Mom, there's no problem.

As of tomorrow we won't be working together anymore.

- Huh? - What? What do you mean?

You mean you're firing me? No, no, please!

I admit it, I was wrong.

A female can do just as good a job as a male. Better, even.

Just... Just give me another chance, please!

You weren't fired, Daddy. I was.

Yes!

And not a moment too soon. You were in way over your head.

You're not gonna let me enjoy this, are you?

Your daughter just got fired from her first job, Earl.

It's no big deal.

No, no, honey, it is.

I know exactly what you're going through.

I mean, I wasn't always the great success I am now.

- Hmm? - Really.

I know what it's like to lose a job.

- Ha! - Yeah?

- Or two. - Ahem.

- OK. Seven. - Mm-hmm.

The point is, you were...

a good supervisor.

- Excuse me? - A good supervisor.

- Do you mean that? - Yeah.

And it's tough for me to admit that a female can do

just as good a job as a male.

- And especially your daughter. - Oooh! That was the killer.

- Sure. - But that's all over.

Now you're back to being Daddy's dainty little blossom.

- Dad, I can't... - No, no, let me finish.

And to prove that I've learned my lesson,

Daddy's gonna give you the money so you can go away

on your little summer wilderness whatever.

I don't need it. I can pay for it myself...

- with my severance pay. - Severance?

How much did you get?

Let me put it in terms you'd understand: if it were donuts,

it would be $500 worth of donuts.

Wow.

How much is that in brownies?

You know, without Charlene there,

I wonder what Mr. Richfield's gonna do about his female hiring quota.

Hmm.

Say anything and I'll rip your spine out through your ear!