Original subtitles

- Great game, Dad. - Thanks, son.

Goodness, this evening of board game fun has been special.

Even more special because you thought to include me.

It's almost like I'm a part of the family.

- Aw. - Good night, all.

- Good night, Roy. - Good night, Uncle Roy.

- Ah. - Good night.

It's time for you kids to be getting to bed.

- Oh, hold on. - Oh.

No one's going anyplace.

Until we have a family hug.

Uh, a hug? Dad, are you feeling OK?

I'm feeling great.

Every once in a while a guy just stops

and realizes how happy he is.

- Come on. - Oh, OK.

Oh, this feels so good, I don't wanna let go.

But, off to bed.

- Kiss kiss. Nighty-night. - Excuse me.

- Night. - Bye.

You seem to be in an exceptionally good mood tonight.

Well, why wouldn't I be? My life's good.

I've got devoted friends, three loving children,

- and a beautiful wife. - Oh, Earl.

What more could a guy possibly want?

Well, it is Thursday night.

And, it's our bedtime too.

I'll be right behind you, my pet.

I'll just, uh, put the game away, and clean up the dishes.

- I won't be a minute. - Oh.

I'll be waiting.

Well, how 'bout that?

I had so much fun tonight I didn't even watch TV.

Well, maybe I'll watch it for a minute or two.

What possible harm could it do?

And now, back to The Rich Ones.

Oh, Stanley, I can't take the suspense.

What did you get for my birthday?

Well, you've been admiring it for the last 23 miles.

- My lamb's wool seat cover? - Ha! No, silly puss.

This vast stretch of pristine coastline.

It's all yours, my sweet.

- Oh! - Happy Birthday. Hmm.

- My own coastline. - Yes.

- I'm so happy. - A-ha!

I don't have my own coastline.

Welcome to the Lifestyles of Those We Envy.

And envy super rich model, Clive, do we all?

We caught up with Clive in his 50 room pleasure palace in the Movieland Hills,

soaking in his jewel-encrusted hot tub filled with imported champagne.

Pardon me, would you happen to have

some very expensive mustard?

Wow.

I don't have any of the stuff those guys have.

How could I think I was happy?

I might as well face it.

There's a gaping void in my life I'll never be able to fill.

Fill that gaping void in your life with Cap'n Willie, the ol' salt.

A collectible mug from the world-famous Fernhill Mint.

You'd probably expect to pay a lot for a handcrafted work of art like this.

And you'd be right. It's absurdly expensive.

But can you really afford to be without it?

- No. - Then call now!

- I will. - But, please be patient

as we check your credit. Only the select few can qualify

for ownership of this limited edition masterwork.

Name?

Uh, Earl Sinclair.

Hello?

Don't miss your chance

to join the exclusive ranks of mug enthusiasts

who have found real happiness.

Jeez, I'd give anything for one of those Fernhill mugs.

Anything! I'd...

I'd even sell my soul!

Brimstone! Boy, I gotta quit smoking.

Honey, I'm home.

Aaah!

- Ohh! - Ow!

- Ow! - Ooh!

Aah!

You! You're him! You're...

You're the guy on the cans of deviled ham.

Hoo, hoo. Not for long. I'm suing those guys for copyright infringement.

So what do you want with me?

I happened to be passing by and I couldn't help but overhear.

You know, I could arrange for you to have one of those mugs.

If you'd like.

Are you kidding? I'd give my soul.

Yes, yes, so I heard.

Of course, you do realize the gravity of this transaction?

Yeah. I'd be swapping my immortal soul

for one of those mugs on TV.

- You got it. - Whoo-hoo! Ha ha!

Where do I sign?

On the dotted line, please.

And initial the pages marked with the stick-em notes.

Uh... This looks pretty intimidating.

Oh, it's quite standard, I assure you.

Maybe I should have a lawyer look this over.

I am the king of lawyers. Just sign it!

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap.

It's just been a busy night.

Every time that Lifestyles show airs, business picks up like crazy.

- Uh... - Bop.

Oh!

It's been a pleasure serving you, Mr. Sinclair.

I'll see ya later.

Thanks.

- Ahh! - Hey!

Hey! Hey wait! Where's my mug?

Jeez, if you can't trust the lord of all darkness,

who can you trust?

Whoa!

Boy, that was fast. And no shipping and handling.

Oh. Ooh.

Ahh...

Oh. Oh, wow.

We caught up with Earl at his fabulous showplace of a home,

where he showed off his extraordinary Fernhill mug.

Yes. Earl really seems to have it all.

He's finally on his way to being truly happy.

Yeah.

Uh, I never seen anything like it.

You must be the happiest guy on earth.

Oh, gosh. I wish I was you.

Uh, of course I'd have to have my clothes altered.

Might be more trouble than it's worth.

But that is still one snazzy-lookin' mug.

Jeez. Yep, fellas.

If you look up "happiness" in the dictionary,

you'll find a bunch of words to describe how I feel.

- Yeah. - Hey.

Sinclair! In here now!

What do you think you're doing, Sinclair?

Uh, just showing off my new Fernhill mug, sir.

Who said you could own one of those things?

Uh, if I'm not mistaken sir, I believe I am entitled to have possessions.

Well, I suppose there's no way I can keep you from it.

Legally.

But, we of the Mug Fanciers Society

try to uphold rigorous standards

for those who own and display collectible mugwear.

You own a Fernhill mug, sir?

Own one?! I own eight!

Eight mugs? Sir, you must be supremely happy.

I am the happiest person you'll ever meet,

you worthless bucket of chum!

Obvious from your sunny disposition.

Shut up!

If you're gonna be a mug owner, better start acting like one!

Where do I begin, sir?

Start by staying clear of that riffraff you hang out with.

You mean my friends?

Friends no more, Sinclair.

They are mugless, and therefore beneath contempt.

So... keep an eye on them 'cause they'll be envious

and they might try to steal your mug.

Oh, thanks for the warning.

Next, you'll need to join our mug society.

Membership dues are 1200 a year.

What?! Twelve hundred bucks?

A pittance when you consider the many hours of mug camaraderie.

- We meet next week at my place. - I'm invited to your home?

Yeah. While we enjoy light refreshments, swap mug lore.

Buy, sell, trade and discuss articles in Mugazine.

Mugazine?

The monthly digest of beverage vessel collecting.

Now you'll need to subscribe. It's a bargain at 200 a year.

Two hundred, 1200... Uh... Sir, may I go now?

It looks like I've got an awful lot of spending to do.

Yeah.

Make way, she's coming in!

- What on earth is that? - Wow.

- A Fernhill mug display case. - It looks expensive.

A necessary expense to protect our investment.

- What investment? - Why our Fernhill mug.

Do you realize that mugs similar to mine have risen in value as much as...

Oh, my mug! Where is it!

If you broke it I'll rip your tiny, pink appendages off.

I didn't touch it!

Earl, stop that. Nobody broke anything.

You left and Roy stopped over and asked if he could borrow it.

Huh?

So I guess you owe me an apology? Hmm?

Roy borrowed my mug?

Yes. He said he wanted to impress a date.

You loaned it to Roy? He's riffraff.

Oh, Mr. Richfield was right.

And now Captain Willie's stranded in Roy's crummy, little, low-rent dump,

while Roy and some sleazy cookie

slobber over it and paw it with their greasy fingers.

Hi, Uncle Roy.

I do not have greasy fingers!

And my girlfriend's slobbering problem

is largely under control.

- Here's your stupid mug. - It better be all right.

Hey, all we did was look at it.

And by the very act, decreased its value.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that fine, collectible art like this

isn't meant to be handled by ignorant low-lifes like you.

- Hey! - Earl, it's just a mug.

Don't embarrass yourself, Fran. You sound as stupid as Roy.

- What did you say? - Oh, Fran, don't listen to him.

No way you're as stupid as... Hey!

You can't talk to me or her... about me... like that.

Well, I'm leaving, Mr. Former Pally-Boy.

Never to return again.

- Goodbye. - Good riddance!

You're watching Mug Television.

Programming exclusively by, for and about mug fanciers.

And now, the mug news roundup with Chip Stein.

Good evening. Panic has rocked the mug community

off its coaster tonight as yet as another mug theft

has been reported.

Police advise all mug owners

to keep their priceless collectibles closely guarded.

I'll have more mug news in a minute... Courage.

And this here arms the system.

You enter your code to active the alarm and security apparatus.

All of this will definitely keep the crooks from getting their

- grimy mitts on my mug, right? - You mean like this?

See that?

Oh!

- And you disarm it... thus. - Huh?

- Ah-ha! - Oh!

Hey.

Yeah. So what do you say, Mr. S?

- Worth the money? - Oh, every last dollar.

- Uh-huh. - Which, by the way, you took.

Earl, we have to talk.

I was just at the grocery store

and they refused to take my check.

Something about insufficient funds.

Fran, fancy alarm systems don't grow on trees.

- Uh? - I had to get the money from somewhere.

- What?! - Hey, wanna hear the nifty alarm?

I wanna know how we're supposed to eat without any money!

Never fear. We're making money as we speak.

Mom, my clothes are gone!

My sweaters, my blouses, my shoes. Everything!

My guitar's missing and my speakers.

Some security system, Earl.

Everybody relax.

I know exactly where your stuff is.

Oh?

In fact, I'd better check on how it's doing.

Oh, ooh.

Could you go lower on this guitar?

No haggling. Prices as marked.

- Can I help you, ma'am? - Oh. Uh, yes.

- How much for the highchair? - Uh...

- It's not for sale! - Oh.

- Sixty bucks. - Hey!

- That chair is not for sale. - Oh, my.

I'll give you two bucks for the blouse.

Look, there is no yard sale.

- Hey, get a grip, Fran! - They should never have...

Look, I'm raking it in here.

You are acting like a lunatic and destroying our family.

Are you kidding? We're earning extra money just by clearing out

useless, forgotten household items.

- These are my schoolbooks. - My diary!

Oh, come on now.

We all have to make sacrifices

if we want to remain a Fernhill family.

Ugh, that mug!

That awful mug is the root of this whole mess.

You're lucky you put in that security system or else I'd

walk in there right now and smash it to pieces!

Fran! That mug, as you call it,

has made us happier than we've ever been!

If you weren't so angry you'd see that!

Fran! Fran!

Bad mug.

Well, it's getting late. Time to turn in.

Night, night, Willie.

We'll be upstairs if you need us.

Sure thing, Mr. S.

Hmm...

Aah.

Uh...

Aah...

Oh!

Whoa.

Busted.

Aah! Oh!

Hey! Hey! Wake up.

What's happened?

- We got a situation here. - I'm here for you, Mr. S.

Oh, my! It's the baby!

I didn't do it! I didn't do it I tell ya!

You do anything with that mug, so help me...

Earl! Do something to stop this noise!

Oh, sure thing, ma'am.

- All right! - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

- Sweetheart, are you all right? - I'm OK, Mama.

Gimme that mug!

You little rat! I oughta skin you alive for this.

- Looks like an inside job, sir. - That's right, Hank.

He's our perpetrator.

Lock him up and throw away the key.

Earl! This is our child!

OK, you can keep the key.

So, Mr. S., will you be pressing charges?

No need.

I'll be taking the child with me.

He's yours.

In fact, we'll all be leaving

until my husband decides to come to his senses.

- Yeah! - Oh, well fine, leave.

Take the children with you.

Those guys on the lifestyle shows get re-married all the time!

But they keep their villas and their sports cars... and their Fernhills.

Who's there?

Nobody's gonna get my mug.

I'm here to protect it. Nobody.

Nobody... They're all after me.

They're after me.

Morning, Mr. S. Another quiet night, huh?

But you can rest easy, that mug is still safe.

Oh, that's right. That's the important thing.

So see you tonight, then.

It sure was awful quiet here last night, wasn't it?

Uh, yes, sir.

And our security system sure did the job, right?

Sir, look, if you don't mind,

I'd really like to get home to my family.

Oh! Oh, you got a family?

Yes, sir. Wife and kids.

Uh... got any pictures?

Yeah, lots of pictures.

Oh! Oh, wow. I bet they still like you, too.

I figure I'm the luckiest guy alive.

- Yeah. - I don't have much,

but I've got their love.

And as I see it, that's all you need to be happy.

- I've got a picture of my mug. - Loser.

Huh?

I've lost my friends, I've lost my family.

I've even lost Hank.

Forgive me for saying this, Willie, but I'm not happy.

Sulfur, yuckl

All right, Sinclair. You ready to go?

What do you mean? I'm not dead yet.

What are you sticking around for? All this excitement?

Duh. No, I think I've made a terrible mistake.

Ooh, I've never heard that one before.

I'm not ready to go. I've made a mistake.

Boo-hoo-hoo. Well, forget it! We made a deal!

Boy, talk about pricey.

You cost me everything.

Can I take this with me?

Sure, you're allowed one carry-on.

But why do you want to take the mug?

As a constant and painful reminder of the folly of my ways.

I like it. Très symbolic.

Let me get the box.

I don't want anything to happen to it in transit.

Fine, just hurry up. I'm a very busy guy, you know?

- What's this? - Would you just come on.

Hey, hold the phone.

This is a manufacturer's guarantee.

- Say what? - A legal document stating that...

if I'm not totally satisfied with my mug I may return it

within seven working days for a complete refund.

Let me see that.

Let's see... That's guarantee... Seven days?

Complete refund?! Well, I'll be damned.

Well, I'm not satisfied. I want my family back.

Well, I guess you're off the hook this time, Sinclair.

All that's been done is undone. Yada, yada, yada.

Later!

Hey, wait a minute. What about...

We caught up with Clive in his 50 room pleasure palace in the Movieland Hills,

soaking in his jewel-encrusted hot tub filled with imported champagne.

Huh?

Earl, are you coming to bed?

Darling, it's Thursday night, remember?

- Oh, you're right, it is. - Indeed.

It's still Thursday night and I haven't alienated my friends and my family

for the sake of a ridiculous material possession.

No, Earl, you haven't.

Don't go away. We'll be right back

with much more to envy after these dazzling advertisements.

No, I think not.

I'm coming, my sweet!