Original subtitles

I've got you now, Captain Action Figure.

And there is no escape!

That's what you think, Dr. Freebie.

Come, Remington.

Oh, no! Not...

Yes, it's Remington, the robot puppy that transforms

into an assault rifle.

With telescopic tail sight!

- And doggie night vision! - I want that!

OK, boy, let's show Dr. Freebie how to play dead.

Hey!

I can't believe they'd put

that kind of violence in a children's show.

- What are they thinking? - Buy me the puppy rifle.

That's what they're thinking.

Hey, Mom. I've got this little bump on the back of my neck.

A bump? I'd better take a look at that.

Yeah, I'm a little worried. It's breaking the line of my sweater.

Well, then. There's no time to waste.

Something smells funny.

- Oh! Oh, Charlene! - What?

- Yeah? - This bump is your scent gland.

- Your scent's come in! - Oh, already?

- I can't believe it! Mom! - Oh!

How come they're happy? She stinks.

To you and to every other male, except one particular boy out there...

- Yeah. - Who'll find that scent

a wonderful, magical fragrance.

And that's the boy Charlene is destined to spend the rest of her life with.

She still stinks.

Trust me, for one lucky boy that scent is the beginning of love and romance.

Remember, Earl, when I got my scent?

Oh, you bet. You smelled exactly like a new car.

You were attracted to Mom 'cause she smells like a car?

A new car.

Showroom fresh, leather interior, pile carpeting. Oh...

- Not in front of the children. - Oh, sorry, Fran.

For a minute there I was 18 again.

- Earl. - Please.

Whoa! What's that stench?

Are the carpets on fire again?

- No, it's my scent, Daddy. - Swell.

It just came in this morning. Smell.

- Isn't it great? - Yeah, great.

Whoa, later.

Oh, oh, is somebody burning tires?

Charlene got her scent.

- It's a magical fragrance. - Yeah.

Congratulations. Now, could somebody please open a window?

Very funny. You see, you're just jealous

because I'm about to start a whole new life.

And once I'm married, Mom and Dad won't be making all my decisions

like telling me where to go and what to think.

- I'll have a husband to do that. - Good plan.

Now, if you could just get someone to chew your food and breathe for you,

you won't have to lug that pesky brain around.

- Jealous. - Yeah...

Ha! Of course, I can't start a whole new life with an old wardrobe.

A milestone like this requires major shopping.

I'm glad to see the significance of this event was not lost on you.

Oh, I just realized. I could meet him in school today.

My future mate for life.

Ha. I could be engaged before homeroom.

Oh, I gotta change!

Ooh, OK, here comes another one.

Yeah? OK.

Huh?

Huh?

- Oh, gee. - Boy, this is so depressing.

I mean, six hours and not one guy has noticed me.

There you are!

Mr. Pullman?

At last, my desperate, lonely search is at an end.

- Aah... - Oh...

Oh, boy.

Oh, well, I don't know. Charlene Sinclair-Pullman.

- It could've been magic. - Very funny.

- What's that acrid odor? - Huh?

Oh, let me guess. Burning rubber, right?

Of course! Those darn seniors.

I told them, "No wheelies in the parking lot."

- Excuse me, ladies. - Sure.

Charlene, I don't know. This is kind of weird.

Standing in the hall waiting for some boy to get wind of you.

- It's pretty undignified. - Yeah, you're right.

What if I sat on the hood of your car, and you drove me around town?

- Ooh, cool. Meet you outside. - Great.

♪ ...race is two miles long Do-dah, do-dah ♪

Oh, no! Not him!

Not the custodian!

- Oh, yes! - No!

Oh, baby!

Honey, I'm home.

Aaah!

- Ohh! - Ow!

- Ow! - Ooh!

Aah!

No!

Yeah!

Oh, baby!

Oh, that smarts! Oh!

I know I come over here for something.

- Oh, yeah. That smell on you! - What?

Whoo-ee! Takes me back to my first car.

- I smell like a new car? - Oh, heck, no.

That baby had some miles on her.

- What?! - Burned off something fierce!

Never figured I'd smell anything like that old smudge pot again,

- but, shoot, girl. Here you be. - Yeah. Gosh.

Wow, that's very flattering, but if you don't mind I gotta go...

Uh, uh, uh. You got the smell.

That means you the one.

I'm sure this is just some sort of crazy mix-up.

Oh, there's no use fightin' it, darlin'.

That smell and this nose go together like a hog and slop.

We was made for each other, girl!

But you don't even know my name!

- I know what it's gonna be! - What?

Mrs. Ray Gherkin, janitor!

But, but, I, I... I'm too young to be married.

- No. - I'm only 15.

So. My sister was only 14 when she married Uncle Cephus.

And there's nothing I'd like more

than to be part of such a loving, inbred family, but I...

Yeah. You don't have to sweet talk me, buttercup. I'm ready to do this deal.

Yeah, but I'm not!

I mean, I just can't believe that I'm supposed to

spend the rest of my life with you!

Believe it, sugar. And it's a pretty picture, too.

You, me, a trailer park, and a parcel of young'uns

crawling over everything like maggots. Oh, yeah!

Huh? Where'd my little smoke bomb go?

Don't matter.

You can run... but you can't hide.

Whoo-hoo!

- More. - You finished that whole gallon?

- You can't still be hungry. - This isn't about satisfying hunger,

this is about exploding!

I know you're disappointed, but eating's only going to make it worse.

Worse? Nature has determined that I'm to spend my life

with a boorish, slovenly, dimwit?

Do you have any idea what that's like?

- Fran, the TV's gone! - Turn around, honey.

Found it!

- The time passes quickly. - Yeah.

- Oh, look at this! - Hmm?

You heard right, ladies.

Spike reductions, tail enlargements, even scent changes

for just $29.95. We'll make it bigger, smaller.

Make you smell like a daisy at Surgery King.

If you can find the same surgical procedures anywhere for less,

I'll match it, or your second surgery is free!

And you can believe me because I'm not just the announcer...

I'm also a chief of surgery.

- Move it. - What?! You're not serious!

Charlene, you can't change your scent.

- It's a scam! - You don't know that!

Tonight we go behind the scenes at Surgery King.

- What? - Where bogus promises of scent changing

have already lured countless, gullible saps.

After that, two more depressing stories,

then a bit of fluff from the old, whiny guy.

- I'm gonna smell forever. - There's nothing wrong with your scent.

Your scent is who you are, and I think you're a wonderful young girl.

Yeah? Yeah, well if I'm so wonderful,

how come the only guy who sees it spends

most of his time with his head in the toilet?

You know what?

I think we should invite Ray over for dinner.

Uh-huh. And the twisted, misguided logic behind that would be...

That in a relaxed, social setting,

you can get to know what Ray is really like.

Oh, you're right, Mom.

Yeah. It's time we move past the glamorous,

debonair image we all have of school custodians.

Look, if he's as awful as you say, you have nothing to worry about.

Your father will never give his blessing for a marriage.

What?

This can't be happening to me.

- I'll get it. - No! No, tell him we moved.

Tell him it's the wrong address, Mom. Please.

OK. I don't want to prejudice you in any way, Dad,

but you've got to take a long, hard look at this guy

and see him for the fat loser he really is.

Now, don't worry.

I'm not gonna let just anybody walk off with my little princess.

Earl, this is Ray Gherkin.

- Howdy-do! - I like him.

- Dad! - It's nice to meet you, Mr. Sinclair.

Hope you don't mind, but I parked my truck on your lawn

so's I can keep an eye on it.

Don't want nobody stealing my new gun rack.

- Smart. - Hey, Smokey!

Hi, Ray. Uh, what's that under your arm?

I didn't want to show up at the in-laws empty-handed.

- Brewski? - You read my mind.

All right! I bet I can guzzle faster than you.

- You're on! - OK, here we go!

Pretty dreamy, huh, Mom?

- I'm champion. - Wow! Doesn't that hurt?

Can ain't got no feelin'. Right, Earl?

What a clever insight,

but I believe, now, my husband has some questions

- he'd like to ask you. - Yes! Yes, yes, yes!

- Questions? Oh, yeah, right. Um... - Uh-huh.

Could you teach me that thing with the beer can?

Earl!

- That ain't no big thing. - Hmm?

Here, Ray. Why don't you sit down?

- Oh, OK. - No, Mom!

So, Ray. Charlene tells me you're a custodian.

Yeah, but I'm just doing it for the money, which ain't all that good.

But I can swipe all the disinfectant I want.

Well, anyhoo, I'm taking night school so I can make something of myself.

Oh, really? Night school.

- Please. - Yep. Some say it's a dream,

but someday...

I'm gonna be a tree pusher.

- You wanna be a tree pusher? - Yeah.

Reach for the stars. That's what Daddy said.

Never said nothin' else.

That's when we had to keep him in that little room under the stairs.

Hey, tree pushing's a noble profession.

You've gotta be a special kind of guy to push down hundreds of trees a day.

Are you sure you're up to it?

Yep. Long as I got a good, sturdy female behind me.

Watch it!

I know exactly what you mean.

Would you excuse me for a minute, please?!

Look, my life is flashing before me.

And it's your life, Mom. Do something!

Um... Why don't we have dinner and chat some more?

I'm sure we have a lot to talk about.

No, no. I think we can skip the formalities, Frannie.

- Ray. - Yeah.

I'd be honored to have you as a member of my family.

You adopting me?

No. I'm giving you my blessing to marry my daughter.

Well, hot doggies! Did you hear that, Charlene?

Now there ain't nothing to stop us from getting hitched.

Frail little bird, ain't she?

- So, you're making a new scent? - Yeah. I've got to.

My real scent attracted a janitor.

You'd have someone to clean up your room.

Yeah... And yet, something is missing.

- Several key chromosomes? - For starters.

You think rubbing on this other scent

is gonna help you attract a better class of guy?

- Yeah. - What a bizarre concept.

Hey, it's worth a try. Here we go. Ah!

- OK. Come on, smell me, smell me. - OK, OK.

What do you smell?

- I'm in a pine forest... - Good.

- High in the mountains... - Yeah.

A sweet, alpine breeze caresses me with the scent of jasmine...

- Jasmine. - Honeysuckle,

and a fiery heap of burning whitewalls.

There's got to be a way out. I mean...

There's got to be something I can do!

Refer to scent...

Scent, hmm, scent, scent. Where is it?

Oh, here it is!

OK... All right...

- Charlene, it's two in the morning. - What?

- What are you doing? - Well, I'm just reading, Grandma.

Hey, shouldn't you be asleep?

I try to stay up at night so I'm out cold when your father's around.

Nah.

- So... you're reading. - Yeah.

What is it, fashion catalogues?

No, no. I'm studying a medical text

on reptilian, olfactory function.

- I'm old, don't mess with my world. - Oh, no, no, no. Grandma.

Several of these books mention one particular flower with enzymes

so powerful that it can actually change a dinosaur's body chemistry.

If I could find that flower, I might be able to change my scent.

You're talking about the McGuffen lily.

Yes, that's it! Oh, that's the one! Where is it?

Well, nobody knows for sure.

Legend has it that it grows in a valley

on the other side of the super continent.

Look, you've got to tell me how to get there.

Please. It's the only chance I've got to change my scent.

Charlene, sweetheart, you can't change your scent.

Fine, fine.

Then I'll marry Ray, he'll move in here,

and you'll have someone exactly like Dad around all the time.

Um... I'll draw you a map.

Let's see... North by northwest...

Yeah, OK. Here we go.

OK...

OK... Uh...

OK. OK, if this map is right,

there should be a whole field of lilies just beyond these vines.

All right, we're about there.

Hi there.

Welcome to Foto-Fast. Film developing in a flash.

What are you doing here?

I offer the finest in photo processing with drive-thru convenience, of course.

What!? Drive-thru? There are no roads out here!

Sure, now, but when there are,

you watch everyone start scrambling for all the good locations.

- Then we'll see who's crazy, huh? - Well, maybe you can help me.

Oh, sure. You picking up or dropping off?

No, no. I'm looking for a special kind of flower.

The McGuffen lily.

Uh, beautiful little thing with golden blossoms

and a wondrous, almost mystical, fragrance?

Yes! Yes! Have you seen it?

- Sure, the place was lousy with them. - What?

That was before we paved the whole thing over to build the hut.

There's still some around, right?

- You didn't tear them all up, did you? - Uh, 'fraid so.

Hey, if you don't want any pictures developed,

you got anything you want laminated?

- No. - Uh, film to video transfer?

No. I needed those flowers.

- I can make you a key. - Shut up!

Oh, boy. I can't believe I came all this way for nothing!

Oh, I'd hardly say nothing.

Bring this coupon next time and you get free double prints. Eh?

How am I supposed to change my scent now?

Those flowers were my only hope.

- Aah, tough break, kid. - Yeah.

Say, on your way home, could you stick some of these flyers on trees?

I'm dying out here -

I still don't understand how you could let her go off on a dangerous trip

like that all by herself. She's only 15!

Oh, beauty!

I don't know what I was thinking.

Well, I can't just stand here waiting.

- I'm calling the police. - Don't bother, I'm back.

Charlene, thank heavens! Are you all right?

- I'm fine. - Did you find the lilies?

No. The legendary lilies were all plowed under

to make room for a one-hour photo booth.

I wish I'd known. I had film.

That was such a crazy thing to do.

Anything's worth it to get out of marrying Ray.

But you can't get out of it. This is the way nature planned it.

- This is your destiny. - Well, I want a different destiny.

Honey, marriage is not that bad.

Sure, Ray may seem like not the best catch in the world,

but with your help he can grow and change.

- Just look at your father. - Bad example.

I've been working with him, shaping him, for 20 years

and with wonderful results.

Why you can see he's so much more... more...

- Fat. - Mother!

I'm trying to give her a reason to live!

Uh, I found a reason to live, Ma.

I... I climbed a mountain.

I crossed a desert. I hiked a thousand miles.

- You climbed a mountain? - Yep.

And I discovered I'm capable of anything.

And that there's a world of adventure and challenge out there.

But now the only adventure in my life will be discovering

new ways to get beer stains out of Ray's overalls.

- Rub in a little club soda? - So Thursday night...

- Oh, Charlene, you're back. - Yeah.

Ray, you are losing it, pal.

When I was courtin' Frannie, I could smell her a mile away.

Depending on the prevailing winds, of course.

Smokey, is that you?

Yeah, it's me.

- Whoo-ee, you stink! - Huh?

Hey, Ray. Hey, a word of advice.

You don't usually talk to your wife like that until after the wedding.

Oh, I don't care. That smell could knock a rat off a road pizza.

- What? - You've done something to your scent.

You go back and hose yourself off. Get yourself smelling right.

- Now, go on, girl. Git. - But... Mom? What does he mean?

I mean, I don't smell different, do I?

- Well, you do to him. - So...

Don't you see, your scent has changed.

But how could it? I never found the flowers.

You tried to find them.

When everyone said you couldn't change your scent,

- you still went out and tried. - Ohh...

The old Charlene would have just given up.

You've changed, Charlene. In here.

- I'm a-waiting. - Aah... Yeah...

- I'm sorry, Ray... - Huh?

- But I'm not going anywhere. - Oh?

And I'm not going to marry you.

Don't you sass me, girl!

There's plenty of females out there'd give their eyeteeth to be with me.

- Well, then marry one of them. - Huh?

You belong with someone who's missing some teeth.

All right, I'm out of here, dadgumit.

But you won't forget me, girl.

Every time you see a shiny, white toilet staring back at you

like a polar bear's butt, you're gonna remember Ray Gherkin, janitor!

- Oh! - There! Now, I'm gettin' out of here.

I'm gonna miss that colorful dialect.

Charlene, are you crazy!

Letting that gem of a guy walk out of here?

You go out there and apologize to him right now!

- No, Daddy. - What did you say?

I said I'm not apologizing to Ray.

And I'm not marrying anyone until I'm ready.

Okeydoke.

Hey, what happened to Ray?

He's out there taking his truck off the blocks.

- I threw him out. - Oh, yeah, right.

I did and I've got news for you.

I'm not gonna let you walk all over me anymore

with your macho, teenage male posturing,

and your pseudo-intellectual, anti-establishment attitude.

- What'd you find out there? A thesaurus? - Ha!

Look, don't push me, Charlene. I know your weak spots.

I could reduce you to rubble like that.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Take your best shot. - OK, all right, you asked for it.

Your sweater. It's got... a snag.

It's only clothing.

Aah!