Original subtitles

Good evening. I'm Dr. Elliot Piaget,

noted child psychologist.

Tonight's episode of Dinosaurs

examines one of the most terrifying ordeals of child rearing:

the terrible twos.

As those of you who have small children know,

the second year of a child's development is no day at the beach,

so be warned.

What you are about to see tonight may shock, appall

and scare the daylights out of you.

That being said, sit back and relax

as Baby Sinclair enters the terrible twos.

Oh, good, Mother, you're here.

You can help me with the baby's party.

Oh, boy. Another kid's birthday party.

I guess as a grandma I'm supposed to get all lathered up over this,

and yet somehow I'm strangely calm.

Would you look in the drawer and see if you find two candles?

- Two? Why two? - It's the baby's second birthday.

Run! Everybody, run!

- Mother, where are you going? - She's on her way out, Fran.

It's a good instinct. Let her go with it.

Why are you leaving? You'll miss the party.

The second birthday's no cause for a party.

- Hmm? - The baby is entering his...

terrible twos.

- Terrible twos? - Yes.

A strange, evil force grips the child,

transforming him into a deranged, destructive monster

capable of unspeakable horrors.

This is a dark, terrible day.

And we were gonna ask you to jump out of the cake.

The terrible twos. That's an old wives' tale.

So what do I look like, a debutante?

Think back, Fran. You've gone through this twice before.

Robbie, and then Charlene.

Well, let me see.

I remember making little decorative 2s for the birthday cakes...

and then they were three years old.

That's funny. I've no recollection of that entire year.

Fran, let me try.

Uh, I was sneaking a taste of the icing

from Robbie's second birthday cake...

and then it was this morning.

Did I miss anything, Fran?

Oh, jeez.

That's odd. Neither of us has any recollection of the children being two.

It was so traumatic and horrible you blocked it out,

and now it's gonna happen again.

Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

♪ Happy birthday dear Baby ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

- ♪ To you ♪ - ♪ To me ♪

OK, son, time to blow out the candles.

Baby!

Yum. Devil's food.

Honey, I'm home.

Aaah!

- Ohh! - Ow!

- Ow! - Ooh!

Aah!

I want my presents!

I want my presents now!

It's coming, sweetheart.

Earl, we can't hold him off much longer.

Just a few more minutes. These things don't assemble themselves.

Do they?

For a dollar more the store would've done it.

A dollar? Forget it! Aaah!

I'm the birthday boy! Give me presents!

You got any ideas?

Well, there's a thing I made in shop class.

I don't know if he'll appreciate it or not.

- Presents! - Get it!

- OK, OK. - Now, now, now, now, now, now!

So, uh, sweetheart...

Let's play a... a game.

Yeah, yeah. Is there a game you like to play, huh?

- Huh? Yeah. - Huh?

- Yeah? - Let's play... Fetch Snooky.

Oh, OK. Um, how do we play?

- This is Snooky. - Oh.

Fetch him!

This is going to be loads of fun.

My tail. You...

- Oh, dear, Charlene. - Hey, birthday boy,

help is on the way. Here you go, bro,

a little something I made for you in shop class.

- Gimme, gimme, gimme! - Ow! I think I lost a finger.

- Oh, a toy train. - Yeah, I worked on it all year.

I even whittled little forks and spoons for the dining cart.

Wasn't that thoughtful?

Want something from the store!

Oh.

Gee, that clear varnish doesn't protect like it's supposed to.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm not happy! I'm not happy!

I'm not happy!

Earl, we need that kiddie car now.

I'm almost there, Fran. Just a few more turns of the screw...

Ooh... Darn it!

Please hurry, Earl.

There's a two-year-old bouncing off the walls out there.

Mom, you think we better do something?

Yeah. If his diaper comes loose, it's not gonna be pretty.

I know. We'll put on his Blarney birthday video.

Oh, Mom! Blarney bites!

He's terrible, Mom. I can't imagine a worse role model for a child.

Ow! Darn it! I hate you, you stupid toy!

OK, here we go. ♪ I am Blarney, I love you ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ And if you're nice you'll love me too ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

Well, it does seem to have quieted him down a little.

♪ Love love here and a love love there ♪

♪ Here a love, there a love Everywhere a love love ♪

It's interesting. He strikes a chord with children.

Something about Blarney elicits pure feelings of warmth and affection.

Eat glass, Blarney!

- Whoa! - Die, scum, die!

Well, I gotta say I'm with him.

That does it. I am fed up with your bad behavior.

- You are going to your room. - No! I want presents!

You are going to your room.

There will be no more presents.

It's present time!

No, Earl. He's been terrible all day. He doesn't deserve any more presents.

Dear Fran, you know so little about raising children.

Son...

this present is only for good little boys.

You can have it if you promise to be good.

I'll be good.

I promise.

It's not right, Earl.

- Bribing a child to behave. - And if it works?

It's a shortsighted, stopgap, quick-fix solution.

You don't have to sell me on it.

Here, son, look. A car!

A car!

- Oh, boy! - Come on.

Gee, Dad, you never bribe me with anything neat like that.

You were never rotten enough to deserve it.

Vroom, vroom, vroom!

Nothing will calm a child faster than playing with some shiny new toy.

Yay!

You see? He's happy.

All it takes is a little child psychology.

Yee-hah! Whoo!

Yahooey!

What's going on?

Here I come!

Again!

Whoo!

Well, that worked like a charm.

Aaah!

Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!

Again!

As I was saying, Fran,

there's nothing will calm a child faster than a sedative.

Got any Phenobarbital, doc?

Hold on. I haven't examined him yet.

I can't just go around dispensing dangerous drugs willy-nilly.

Well, actually, I can.

But I don't choose to, in this case.

We don't know what to do, doctor.

I keep getting angry when I know what the baby needs

is love and compassion.

- And where is he now? - Inside this box.

We had to.

He chewed through the straps on his car seat.

Very resourceful. May I see the child?

Uh... sure.

Uh, he's the doctor. I guess you know.

- Ah. - Uh...

Hmm? Well, hello, little fella.

Look at me and say "ahh."

- Aaaahh! - Whoa! Close the box! Close the box!

Close the box!

- Terrible twos. - We think so.

Oh, I've seen this a hundred times before.

A child of two is looking for his parents

to give him some concrete boundaries.

So I suggest you wall him up inside a cave for a year.

Here. Take this to the hardware store, they'll give you cement and a trowel.

Doc, can I get a refill for this if he claws his way out?

We are not cementing our baby into a cave.

Well, I've read in other countries they're achieving excellent results

locking them in tool sheds.

I'm sorry, Earl, but there must be some other way.

Hey, Fran, Fran, I think I've got the answer here.

This is Frau Woodhouse,

the famous child/animal trainer.

Shake. Ja.

Open.

Good girl.

- Ja. - She's been working with our baby.

This seems a little extreme.

Oh, come on, Fran, we are at the end of our rope.

Then you must get a longer, heavier rope

- and don't be afraid to use it. - Huh?

She is talking a lot of sense, Fran.

- I don't know. - The child craves strict discipline.

He hungers for the taste of the lash.

You must be strong and never surrender.

Child rearing is a triumph of the will.

- Whoa! - Now we will demonstrate.

- Remove the muzzle. - Oh. Right.

Tug on the leash.

Right.

Ooh!

Ah! Bad baby, bad baby!

So, as I understand it, we have a whole year of this.

- You finally get him into bed? - Yeah.

He was feeling a little logy after eating the entire sofa.

I wish Mother were here.

She always seems to have an answer for these things.

- Where is the old witch anyway? - She's not in her room.

I sent Robbie and Charlene to look for her.

I don't know what else to do.

Draw a pentagram on the floor and sacrifice a goat.

- That should conjure her up. - What's the problem?

Let's go. I have a full and active life.

- Where have you been? - The dog track. And make it quick.

I'm still alive in the late triple.

Mother, you were right about the terrible twos.

We need your help.

Don't we, Earl?

- Yeah, yeah. - Oh, yeah.

Now you need me. Now I'm the belle of the ball.

But yesterday, she's old, she's useless.

She has nothing to contribute. We wish she was dead.

- But I meant it with love. - Oh, yeah.

- Please, we're desperate! - Yeah.

I already told you. He's two, it's terrible, end of story.

There's nothing we can do? There's no help for us anywhere?

Oh, Earl,

I don't think I can go on much longer.

Oh, stop.

I hate to see you so upset.

Look, I'll tell you what.

In times of despair, when I'm lost and searching for answers,

there's a book I turn to.

- The Book? - That's right, the Yellow Pages.

Over there. Hand 'em here, honey.

Thanks.

Ah. Here's the guy I was thinking of.

He's well-versed in all the primitive rituals

for expunging evil spirits

and battling the forces of ultimate darkness.

The Babysitter?

Thank you so much for coming.

You want to hear some background on the case?

That is of no use to me.

- The child is two years old? - Yes.

May heaven have mercy upon this house.

Follow me.

Hmm. Yes.

Yes.

I've been waiting for you.

I know this baby well.

Note the scent of brimstone that hangs in the air.

We haven't been able to change him in quite a while.

This child is the ultimate evil,

a horror unimaginable.

He will twist your soul from the inside out

until your mind is shattered and your spirit destroyed.

Boy, he really does know our kid.

No, no, no, no, no! I want cookie now!

- Has the child had his dinner? - Don't want dinner! Give me dessert!

I want a million cookies now!

Do you have the dinner plate?

- Oh, uh... - Quickly.

Two vegetables? Well-balanced.

Gimme dessert!

You may have your dessert when you've eaten your dinner.

No, no, no, no! Give me cake!

Ice cream!

- You will start with the rice. - No!

- No rice! - Oh.

Pudding pie!

The child's will is strong. Join me now.

The power of rice compels you.

- Get me pudding pie! - The power of rice compels you!

The power of rice compels you!

The power of rice compels you!

The power of rice compels you!

Oh, toddler,

it is not you that is bad,

but the behavior which is bad.

Yea, though you test our patience...

we will not yield. We shall set limits,

not to punish you but that you may have boundaries.

I want to watch TV!

- What time is the child's bedtime? - Eight o'clock.

It is too late to watch television. It is your bedtime.

No! Don't want to go to sleep!

Don't wanna, don't wanna, don't wanna!

You will sleep, for I will read from the bedtime book.

Not that book! Not that book!

"I do not like blue eggs and toast."

"Blue eggs and toast I hate the most."

"Would you eat them on a rug?

Would you eat them with a bug?"

Oh, oh, my! Aaah!

The forces of darkness are strong within him.

You seek to destroy all about you.

You need a time out!

No time out! No time out!

Oh, I can't watch!

Take her outside! Lock the door.

And whatever you might hear, do not...

I repeat, do not open that door!

You got it.

- Come on, Fran, make tracks. - Go!

No, no, no, no, no!

This is awful, Earl. We should be in there.

He's our baby.

Now, now, Fran, this guy's a pro.

He knows exactly what he's doing.

Help! Let me out of here!

He told us not to open the door.

For the love of everything holy, let me out of here!

What the...?

- Jeez, jeez. - What happened?

He needed a time out.

Fran.

Oh! Great scott!

Sorry! Gotta run.

Just remembered, um, another appointment.

Uh, another line of work.

I'm the baby. Gotta love me.

That's not normal!

It's 4:00 in the morning. Doesn't he ever shut up?

I want a pony! No, I want to go to the beach!

A whole year. A whole year of this.

I can't take it! I'm not gonna make it to his third birthday.

Gimme a cookie! Wanna play horsey!

I want a drink of water!

He's not gonna make it to his third birthday.

- I have a really lame idea. - Anything is worth a try, dear.

Well, do we have any more of those birthday candles?

Hmm?

OK. Candles lit.

Is the icing secure?

Check. Charlene, take the high note.

- Check. - And whatever happens, everybody,

just keep singing.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- ♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪ - I want cookie!

- Keep on singing! - ♪ Happy third birthday ♪

- ♪ Dear Baby... ♪ - Gum! Give me gum!

♪ Happy third birthday to you ♪

I want gum. Give me gum. Give me...

Oh.

Mama.

Not the mama!

It's my birthday?

- Yeah. - That's right, sweetheart.

You're not two anymore. You're three years old.

- Now blow out your birthday candles. - Yeah, yeah! OK.

I'm starving.

How about some cake?

Aww. It's great to have you back, son.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh. Well, I must say that was inexcusable.

To suggest that you should deal with the terrible twos

by... by lying to a child, muzzling him like a dog

or walling him up inside a cave for a year is reprehensible at best.

I condemn the producers of Dinosaurs for their irresponsibility.

And I demand that they explain themselves.

I await their rebuttal.