Original subtitles

Mornin', Fran.

Good morning, Earl. I made you pancakes.

No time for breakfast. I'm late for work already.

- You don't have to go to work. - Huh?

What?!

You don't have to go to work.

No, no. Tell me why.

Because it's... the weekend.

H-Hey! Isn't it great?

I love to fool myself that way. Let's do it again.

- Earl... - Morning, Fran.

Earl, I don't have time for this.

I've got a million things to do this weekend.

As do I. I've got a full schedule of vigorous sporting activities.

Mountain biking, fly fishing, a little volleyball,

some cross-country skiing.

Guess I better get started.

Hey!

Back with more thrilling mountain bike action.

Big hill coming up. I'd better carbo load.

Bring on the pancakes.

- Good morning, everyone. - Morning.

Mother, look at you! That dress is beautiful.

Don't you think she looks lovely, Earl?

Oh, yeah, very lifelike.

I'm gonna ignore that

because this day is a very special day for me,

and no one can dampen my effervescent spirits,

not even you, you walking garbage heap.

Oh, special day, Ethyl?

What is it, got your teeth in on the first try?

Today Mother is going to her 60th high school reunion.

And the best part of it is

it's a whole weekend away from you, fat boy.

Oh, I can top that.

It's a whole weekend away from you.

So how you gettin' there?

They calling you a cab or sending you a hearse?

Actually, Earl, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Mother's reunion is too far away for a cab,

and I have so much to do today I can't possibly take her.

And since you have the whole weekend free,

I thought you could.

Oh, no! Absolutely not!

No way on Earth and that is final!

Ah.

Uh-oh.

- It's too fast. - Ow!

You're driving too fast.

I don't like it when it's too fast.

Would you let me get out of the driveway? Jeez!

Honey, I'm home.

Aaah!

- Ohh! - Ow!

- Ow! - Ooh!

Aah!

Uh...

Are you sure this is wise, Mom?

I mean, Dad and Grandma in an enclosed space together for six hours.

From a ventilation standpoint that could get nasty.

I'm sure they'll be fine. We have important things to do today.

That's right. Mindy and I are going rollerblading at the beach.

I got to go to the junior class car wash.

I've got to crawl around on the floor

and look for things to put in my mouth.

- See ya. Gotta go. - See ya.

- Hold it! - Huh?

Nobody's going anywhere.

I got your father out of the house for a specific reason.

We're gonna move and not tell him?

No. His birthday's coming up next month.

I thought it would be nice to give him a photo portrait

of his loving family as a surprise present.

Yay, presents!

What do I get?

You all get the satisfaction that comes

with doing something special for your father.

You're kidding, right?

No. We need to get ready. The photographer will be here soon.

Forget it, Mom. There's a new lifeguard at the beach.

Mindy and I have to skate by and hide and giggle.

I don't see how we can get out of it.

And I gotta go to that car wash.

They put me in charge of accidentally spilling

sudsy water on the girls.

- Quite an honor. - Darn right.

Too bad. After all your father has done for us,

a simple family portrait is the least we can do.

No, Mom, I'm sure we can do less.

Yeah. There's always nothing.

We're going to do this.

Now I want you to march right upstairs

and put on your dressy clothes.

No, not the wool blazer!

Not the dorky blouse with the poofy sleeves!

Not the sailor suit!

Aaaaaah!

♪ Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree

♪ It's been three long years

♪ Do you still want me?

I'm not gonna make it.

♪ If I don't see a ribbon 'round the old oak tree

♪ I'll stay on the bus Forget about us

♪ And put the blame on me

♪ If I don't see a ribbon

♪ 'Round the old oak tree ♪

And that's the end of that number.

- Hey, there's more. - No, there's not.

- Yes, there is. - Radio's broken.

- No, it isn't. - Yes, it is.

No, it isn't. What?

And if you don't keep your yap shut you'll be next out the window.

- Oh, yeah? - Ow! Aah!

Oh, you old bat! Give me that cane!

How dare you raise your arm to a defenseless old lady?

Watch where you're going!

Oh, that was too close, too close.

You idiot! Are you drunk?

That's it.

OK, Ethyl,

we are gonna be in this car together for a long time.

So I think the sensible thing for us to do

is to clear the air.

- I hate you. - What?

I hate being related to you,

and I hate having to drive you to your ghoulish, horrible reunion.

Well, I didn't ask you to drive.

The only reason I'm willing to sit here

and stare at the back of your fat head for eight hours

is 'cause this reunion's important to me.

These are my oldest and dearest friends.

Hah! They're my real family.

They're the ones that care about me.

Oh, yeah? Then why don't you go live with them?

I might!

My old girlfriends Dorothy, Rose and Blanche

been begging me for years to come move in with 'em,

and I'm about ready to do it.

Whoa! Well, let's get you there as soon as we can.

Oh, to think I could be driving home tonight by myself.

- Shut up. - You shut up.

♪ Tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree...

I'm not listening, I'm not listening.

I'm not listening.

We have a number of photographic backgrounds available.

This one is very popular: The county fair.

Voilà!

- Ah. - I see.

Isn't it a little busy?

Wanna eat cotton candy, wanna go on rides, wanna throw up.

What an adorable little moppet.

Here, sonny. Don't eat it. It's a prop.

Yummy! Gimme more props!

Oh, my.

Oh, there they are.

Don't you look so grown-up.

Mom, I'm dressed like a four-year-old.

- I think this jacket's gotten small. - Oh, it's fine.

You look very handsome.

I'm losing the feeling in my fingers.

OK, now, this is the proper setting for the Sinclair family:

A day at the beach.

- Huh? - Ha ha!

Better use your sunscreen.

- Well, I'm not sure. - Oh, it's going to be perfect.

- OK, now. - You wanted to go to the beach.

Ah... ah... Yes!

Now that's a portrait.

Uh, excuse me, but why am I wearing a wool jacket at the beach?

Look, I don't see why we have to do this stupid family portrait anyway.

We're doing it to show your father how much we love each other.

You mean the tremendous love we have for each other in general?

- Yeesh. - Or the overwhelming affection

we feel for each other right now?

Just shut up and let's get this over with.

- You shut up, blazer boy! - I'm hungry!

OK, we're very close. Hold still, everybody,

and say "cheese."

Oh, cheese. I want cheese now!

Excuse me, that's for me.

- Come back here. - Come on! Give me cheese now!

- You go get it! - Get it yourself.

Ow!

- Give me that shovel! - Robbie, stop that!

- He hit me right in the face. - It was for you, Robbie. Some girl.

- I told her you were at the beach. - You what?!

I told you you should've turned off five miles back.

- Now we're lost. - We are not lost.

According to this map,

we've wandered completely out of known civilization.

We've passed the mysterious gorge, and the river of blood,

and now we're deep in the heart of...

the valley of the roosters.

What?

Your eyes are shot. Let me see that map.

Valley of the roosters.

Oh, here we are, and it's not "valley of the roosters."

It's valley of the monsters. Monsters.

Doesn't even sound like roosters.

Oh.

See any, uh, roosters out there?

No.

Just a inky, dark, terrifying void.

- Maybe we should turn around. - Good idea.

Yeah.

Uh...

Uh... cock-a-doodle-doo?

- Ethyl, this is a tough situation, - Yeah.

But we can get through it if we stay calm and work together.

- Take her! - Aah! Take him!

There's more meat.

He wants you to roll down the window.

Are you nuts?! He'll tear us to pieces.

Just don't touch that window!

Aaah!

- Howdy. - Aaah!

Hi.

Jeez. What's his problem?

Don't get me started.

You folks lost? Need directions?

Yeah. We seem to have wandered off the interstate.

We're looking for highway seven.

Oh. Well, you're way off.

Now that's about 14 miles back.

Let's see, now, the best way for you is, uh...

Oh, head back the way you came from,

and then turn right at the Waffle House,

then go left at the third light. Uh, you can't miss it.

- Oh. Thank you. - No problem, ma'am.

Um...

- He gonna be OK? - Yeah, just a little carsick.

All right. Y'all drive safely now.

Such a nice young fellow.

So polite.

Earl, you OK?

Earl? Wake up.

Aaah!

There's a Waffle House?

Yeah, you're OK. Let's go.

Mom, this makes no sense.

How come I'm wearing my stupid blue blazer to go skiing?

I want to go back to the beach.

Would everyone stand in the position they're supposed to?

Why do I have stand next to him?

You can have my spot next to diaper boy.

The crisp mountain breeze is getting kind of ripe.

- Want cheese fondue! - Shut up! Shut up!

I want all of you to stop complaining, stand still and smile.

- Why? - Because I said so!

- Oh, there's a good reason. - "Because I said so."

Come on, Mom, these dopey backdrops and stupid skis?

This whole thing's a joke.

Happy family, that's the joke!

I was just trying to do something nice for your father's birthday.

Is that so horrible?

Oh, I'm sorry. I've heard enough.

It's obvious there are a lot of thorny family issues

keeping you guys from being close.

At least, close enough for a good family picture.

Now I think the best thing to do,

if we even stand a chance of getting a decent glossy print,

is for us all to sit down and talk this thing through.

- Why listen to you? - Yeah.

Because, in addition to being

a professionally-trained family photographer,

I am also a licensed family therapist.

- Huh? - Huh?

There. Now, who wants to share?

Ah. Can't this old junker go any faster?

Yeah, if I threw you out.

Well, we wouldn't be late like this if you hadn't gotten us lost.

You had the map.

This is all your fault.

I'm gonna miss the reunion, I'm gonna miss seeing all my friends.

We're not gonna miss anything. I'm going 90.

Fifty-five, 56 maybe.

You were doing 96 miles an hour, sir.

Wow. Did you hear that, Ethyl?

Ninety-six. Pretty fast for a junker.

Hmm.

I mean, too fast,

and... and certainly not a safe speed

if it weren't for the extenuating circumstances.

Which are?

I'm taking the mother-in-law to the hospital.

Hmm?

The mental hospital.

She's dangerously insane.

Yeah?

Uh, uh...

Doesn't look dangerously insane to me, sir.

Don't lie to the officer, Earl.

We both know that...

I'm pregnant, about to give birth to triplets.

Three beautiful bowling balls, all girls.

- Oh, my God! - Uh, some days are worse than others.

Well, I better get on to the hospital.

- Let me give you an escort. - No, no, no. No need.

Merry Christmas, Mr. President. Hah!

See ya on Mars.

Hurry.

Whoa, Ethyl, you are good.

Hey, I know how to handle the fuzz.

Yeah, we're quite a team, Ethyl.

No, you're a team all by yourself, fat boy.

Huh?

Oh, hey, I see our exit. You better start touching up your makeup.

You better drive around the block. This could take awhile.

It's just that you complain we're not responsible,

but then you don't trust us with responsibility.

Ah, very assertive, Charlene. Fran.

Well, I guess I got used to you being little kids,

and I'm having trouble accepting you as independent young adults.

Oh, I think Fran has looked into the mirror of herself

and has seen something that isn't so pretty.

She's too controlling. I want to wear a dress!

Let's all role play,

and see how Fran might have presented the idea of a portrait

in a more family-centric way. Charlene, you play Fran.

- Robbie will play Charlene. - OK.

And I'll be the cheese.

Jeez, after all that looks like we're the first ones here.

- Oh, I'm so excited. - Mmm, yeah.

How do I look?

Huh? Um, well, uh...

As beautiful as you could, uh,

reasonably be expected to be, uh,

- considering that... As we know... - You're too kind.

- Thank you. - Hey there, class of '62er.

I'm Barry Maloney with the Happy Reunions Company,

and we're the organizers of your gala evening tonight.

So let's just get you and your husband all checked in.

He's not my husband.

Ah, I understand. Judge not.

Obviously whatever you're doing is working for you.

Name?

Ethyl Phillips... Ooh!

I mean, Ethyl Hinkelman,

as I was known before I got married.

OK, let's just check the old listaroo here.

Hinkelman, Hinkelman... Ah, here you are.

OK, now let's stepedy-dep over here,

find your nametag, then you can just hit that buffet.

- Ah. - All righty? This way.

Uh... um...

Why am I the only nametag here? Where are all my friends?

Well, let's just have a little look-see, OK?

Uh-huh, mm-hmm.

Uh-huh, uh-huh...

They're all dead.

Yep. According to my records you are the only surviving member

of the class of '62.

Hey, look on the bright side, no wait at the buffet.

But what about my friends Dorothy, Rose and Blanche?

They were my best friends.

We were gonna live together.

Hey, am I crazy...

or wasn't this supposed to be a party, huh?

So let's get this reunion in gear, huh? OK.

They're all gone.

Now I'm completely alone in the world.

Uh... Listen, Ethyl,

I'm sorry about your friends and all.

Uh, do you want me to get you a drink of punch or something?

No. Just take me home.

OK, folks, it's awards time.

The classmate who has traveled the farthest:

Ethyl Hinkelman! Give her a round of applause. Beautiful.

Classmate who has traveled the least: Ethyl Hinkelman.

Gained the most weight: Ethyl Hinkelman!

♪ Oh, tie a yellow ribbon 'round the old oak tree

♪ It's been three long years -

♪ Do you still want...

♪ Me?

OK, good.

Now this could work. Everybody, eyes forward.

Lick your lips. Let's have a nice big smile,

and...

We're home.

Earl, what are you doing back home so soon?

The reunion sort of died early...

uh, to use an expression.

Fran, what's going on here?

Oh, it was supposed to be a surprise for Earl's birthday.

We wanted to give you a portrait of your family.

How are you doing?

- What? - My family?

But, uh...

This isn't a picture of my whole family.

- It's not? - Hmm?

Because there's a member of my family

very important to me who's not in this picture.

- What? - Aunt Pearl lives awfully far away.

- It's not Aunt Pearl. - Cousin Gus is dead.

- So is Grandpa Louie. - We don't have a pet.

- Maybe he means the TV. - It's me. He's talkin' about me, fools.

I'm an important member of the family.

I'm beloved.

Right, fat boy?

Hey, Mom, we're friends now.

I'm trying to be nice to you.

You want to be nice? Stand still.

Ow! Jeez!

Hitting you is the only joy left in my life.

Don't deny an old lady a simple pleasure.

Oww!

This is so sweet, seeing you two getting along like this.

- Yeah. - Oh, yeah, very heartwarming.

Will you hurry up and take the picture?

OK, everybody. Smile.

You too, Grandma. Big smile, come on.

Jeez, Ethyl, I think you broke a rib.

Hey-hey! Now I'm smiling.