Original subtitles

"Not by the scales on our chinny-chin-chins",

said the three brachiosaurs.

So the big bad dilapasaurus roared back,

'Then I'll huff and I'll puff

and I'll blow your house down.'

And he took a big breath."

And some other stuff happened. The End.

- Daddy. - Oh!

I'm awake.

Hey, it's Baby's bedtime.

Daddy has to get on with the rest of his life.

Want another story!

But if Daddy reads you another story,

you'll just want another and another.

I'll be reading and we'll learn new things together all the time.

Daddy won't have any time for television.

Tell me a story or no one sleeps!

OK.

Once upon a time, there was a little boy called Earl,

who only wanted to grow up to sing show tunes on the big stage.

- Heard it. - Uh, but it's my favorite.

Tell me a story about me.

Where did I come from?

You came from an egg.

Where did the egg come from?

Well, eggs come from mommies and daddies.

Where do they come from?

More eggs! Get the picture?

Now, good night.

Where did the first mommy and daddy come from?

- I don't know... more eggs. - But where did they come from?

Um, they came from...

- they came from... - How did we all get here?

And why are we here?

Daddy?

I don't know!

I can't figure out why we exist.

I never really thought about it before.

Well, I just figured we're just to do things for Mr. Richfield.

- Yeah. - Beyond that.

Why do dinosaurs exist on this planet?

For what purpose?

Maybe there are no answers.

Maybe we don't exist at all.

- Huh? - Maybe none of this exists.

Not these trees, not this log.

Not even these donuts!

Hey, hey, hey!

That's crazy talk, Sid.

Question the existence of snack foods and everything falls apart.

Hey, you jaw-flapping, low-life sacks of compost,

why aren't you working?

Well, sir,

what's the point of work when we don't know why we exist?

Why you exist?

I'll tell you why you exist.

So you can push down trees.

So cities can be built for dinosaurs to live in.

So they can push down more trees, so more cities can be built

so dinosaurs can push... down...

You're right! I don't know why we exist!

Oh, no!

Honey, I'm home.

Aaah!

- Ohh! - Ow!

- Ow! - Ooh!

Aah!

It certainly is an intriguing question.

Where did we come from?

Who created us?

What is our purpose?

Why are we here?

To feed me! Let's go, I'm starving.

You're the one who asked in the first place.

Does it bother you no one knows the answers?

It bothers me I'm not eating!

Hi, Mom. Hi, Baby.

Charlene, what are you doing home?

Oh, Robbie brought up those weird questions at school.

- Everybody was kind of freaked. - Did anyone have any answers?

No. They just panicked and shut down the school.

- Oh. - Which would be great,

if it weren't for this nagging feeling

life is empty and meaningless.

Speaking of empty...

Everyone's grappling with questions of existence and meaning.

What an exciting time to be alive.

Shoot me, Fran! End the pain!

My brain hurts from all these questions.

Oh, my. I'm afraid this is all too much for us.

If only there were some way to stop all this thinking...

just for a half hour or so.

It's T-G-Y-W-A on ABC.

- And now back to, Livin in a House. - Hey.

Honey, the Buttersons are coming over in two minutes,

and I can't find the roast.

Maybe it smelled your kumquat-strudel surprise and ran away.

Oh!

Danny, do you know where the roast is?

Hey, don't look at me. I'm no roast-rustler.

No more pesky thoughts in this little head.

It's like being wrapped in a warm blanket of cheese.

We interrupt this to bring you a special report.

Here is DNN's news correspondent, Howard Handupme.

The nation is gripped by panic this afternoon

as dinosaurs everywhere desert factories and classrooms

to wrestle with never-before-asked questions of existence.

Why are we here? Where did we come from?

What is the meaning of life?

Why... Why am I sitting behind this phony desk,

reading these... these words?

What's... what's the point of any of this?

Thanks. I needed that.

Sorry. Huh? Uh... this just in.

The Council of Elders has called an emergency session

to deal with the current crisis and get Pangaea back to work.

Their first task, find out who started this whole mess,

and point the finger of blame.

Huh?

Uh-oh.

All cower and grovel, the Council of Elders is now in session.

Who stands before the court?

Um, this is Miss Eunice Feldman,

and she wants a speed bump installed on her street.

- Uh... - No.

My mistake.

This is the Sinclair party, and they are charged with,

"tearing asunder

the very social fabric

of all Pangaea!"

We'd be interested in the speed bumps.

- If there's time. - Silence!

Because of the vexing and unwelcome questions of this small child,

the economy is ruined.

The government is on the verge of collapse.

And chaos reigns in the streets.

- Say you're sorry. - I'm sorry.

- We're outta here. - Stop!

The child must pay for his crime.

- Why? - Because that is justice.

- What's justice? - Well, justice is a system of laws,

and rules that dinosaurs have formulated to live by.

- Why? - He's doing it again.

Now you see what I'm up against?

Enough!

- I hereby sentence you... - Wait!

What good does it do to punish the baby?

The questions he asked are out there, everybody's asking them.

Then, uh... we'll punish everybody!

What if we were to gather the greatest minds in Pangaea?

An open forum, talk about where we came from, why we're here.

Hmm. You mean...

actually try to answer the questions?

Oh, why, that's it! We'll give them answers.

Quick, simple answers that will calm everyone down

and send them back to work.

You're missing the point.

But, we must make sure in advance

that the answers are so simple

everyone can understand them,

even the most thick-skulled simpleton.

Then, let us take no chances.

Consult the public records book to find the biggest boob in all the land.

Biggest boob, um...

biggest bar, biggest bulb, um...

biggest boob. Summon Earl Sinclair!

Oh!

Oh, my. What a coincidence.

You hear, son? The biggest.

Let us now hear from the first philosopher.

What is the answer to the meaning of existence?

I am believing that all life sprang

from the glistening dewdrop on the nose of a frog

as it leapt from the celestial lily pad

in the enormous pond of time.

- I am lost. - Thank you.

Next.

I believe the reason we are here on Earth

is to spread charity and goodwill among all dinosaurs.

For only through good works and sacrifice

can we find peace and a sense of purpose.

And finally come to know why we've been given this blessed gift of life.

- Ah, that's beautiful. - Yes. Truly a guide to life.

- Too much work. - Doesn't have a hat.

- Yeah. - Next!

OK. Picture this.

A giant, magic flying potato

swoops down, makes a few magical gestures,

bing, bang, boom, universe!

Huh? So, how do you love it so far?

- Uh... - A potato?

- That doesn't explain anything. - - Wait a minute.

Are you talking about a baked potato?

Sure, sure. You know, sour cream, chives, bacon bits, whatever.

Slathered in butter?

Look, look, the idiot's buying it.

I think we may be on to something here.

Yes, potatoes are very popular.

They're a tasty treat everyone likes.

From there,

it's just a hop, skip and a jump to worship.

- Ah. - Wait, I got more.

Now, the potatoes' roots, they run deep, right?

And they got a million eyes...

Fine, fine. I'm sure it's a very colorful story.

- We'll take it from here. - Wait a minute.

We only heard from three guys.

There's 100 more waiting out there.

- We should hear what they have to say. - Oh, sure, sure, sure.

You listen to every suggestion, create a balanced synthesis

that incorporates a wide spectrum of belief systems.

But, it's almost lunchtime and I'm getting cranky.

You're gonna decide the great issues of the day 'cause you're hungry?

I only had a muffin for breakfast.

It's decided.

Potato-ism is the source of all answers

to the great questions of life.

We'll iron out all the specifics after lunch.

Lunch.

But, you...

The Pangaean Council of Elders is happy to announce

that after an exhaustive search

the answers to all questions

relating to the meaning of life have been found.

Please have a pen or pencil ready to copy down the following information.

Question number one.

Where did we come from?

Dinosaurs and all living things

were created by the Great Potato,

an omnipotent, all-knowing starchy tuber

who rules the universe.

What is the nature of dinosaurs?

Each dinosaur is like a single potato,

springing forth from the earth with eyes to see the world around it

and lots of potassium.

- How do you spell potassium. - P-O-T-A...

Oh, forget it.

What is our purpose on this earth?

Our purpose is to serve the Great Potato

by giving our troubled, questioning minds a rest.

Confident that the Great Book of Potato

will provide all the answers we need.

Potato-ism.

Now get back to work.

What a joke! Do they believe we'd be stupid enough to fall for this garbage?

Hard to say, son. I gotta get back to work.

I gotta get back to school.

Mom?

I have to say it's reassuring

to have answers to such disturbing questions.

Don't you care where the answers came from?

Sometimes it's better to have some answers than no answers at all.

Besides, what harm could it do?

I realize we've all just been introduced to Potato-ism

- and many of you have questions. - Yeah, you're darn right.

And I can think of no more appropriate forum

to scrutinize this new ideology

than right here in science class,

where the quest for truth is paramount.

Yes, finally.

That quest is made much easier

with this handy index to all life's answers

from the Great Book of Potato.

- What? - Is there a problem?

This is science class, but there's nothing scientific about it.

Course there is. We have beakers, Bunsen burners,

gross, squiggly things floating in jars.

Don't you realize what will happen if we stop asking questions

and rely on that book to rule our lives?

No. But the answer is on page 476.

Yeah, well, forget it. I'm not buying this.

Then, Mr. Sinclair,

I'm afraid there's only one thing left for me to do.

Let's see... "The Loss of a Loved One,"

"Marital Strife," "Radial Tire Maintenance?"

A-ha. Here it is, "Refusal to Accept Potato-ism."

Robert Sinclair, you are hereby expelled from high school

and outcast from society.

Your life will now spiral downward into oblivion.

We will now stand and recite the Pledge of Potato-ism.

Yeah, right.

- Made it home just in time. - Oh, yes. It's the hour of the Potato.

- Yep. Where's Robbie? - He hasn't come home yet.

Oh! Shh! It's on.

Good evening, fellow Pangaeans.

All hail the Great Potato.

Hail the Great Potato.

I'm sick of potatoes.

By now, I trust you've all welcomed Potato-ism into your lives

and have found comfort in its answers.

Well, we, your government/religious leaders

would like to simplify your life even further.

Starting tonight, we'll not only provide answers to questions you've raised,

but, also answer questions you haven't even thought of.

Life keeps getting better.

"Should I work late, even though I'm not getting paid for it?"

- The answer is, "Yes, you should. - " - Oh.

"May I send the government extra money on my income tax?"

The answer is, "Yes, as much as possible."

Earl, should I make rice or stuffing?

The answer is, "Stuffing."

They're good.

They're brainwashing you.

Robbie, where have you been?

Spiraling downward into oblivion.

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Sinclair

your son Robert was expelled from school today

for rejecting all known belief

and threatening to obliterate the foundations of social order!"

Again? What is it with you?

- How could you? - Don't you see what they're doing?

They're making all this Potato stuff up. This is not the truth.

They're just feeding you easy answers to pacify you.

That way they can control your lives.

Yeah, well it's about time!

Our lives could use a little controlling

by a higher, omniscient, more knowledgeable source.

A potato?!

Robbie, I realize this isn't an easy adjustment for you.

A situation like this calls for a dose of

time-tested parental advice.

- I'll get the book. - Oh, yeah. That's it, run to the book.

Don't bother thinking on your own.

Look up all the answers to all your problems in life.

Jeez.

Hey, you. Are you alienated?

Do your maverick views make you feel like the only sane voice

in a world gone mad?

- Yeah. - You're wrong. Embrace Potato-ism.

- Be like everybody else. - Oh, brother.

Jeez.

- Son? - What?

Can we have a little chat?

You know, father-to-social outcast?

If you're gonna tell me how a vegetable can improve my life, forget it.

Robbie, we're all very upset.

But, if we're gonna work our problems out, we do it as a family.

- Yep. So we called the Potato Hotline. - Hmm?

They're sending counselors to help guide you through this passage.

- Good afternoon, citizens. - Hail the Potato.

Hail.

Son, we understand you're finding the transition to Potato-ism

fraught with difficulty.

It can be an anxious and puzzling time.

We're here to help.

Ow! Hey! Get your hands off me.

Earl, they're hurting him. Shouldn't we stop them?

The answer's no, lady. Look it up.

Help, Mom, Dad. Don't you see what's happening?

There you go. No more troubling questions.

- Hail the Potato. - Hail.

Potato.

Oh...

Earl, I think we made a mistake.

Well, I'm sure it's all for the best.

Hang on in there, son.

Don't worry. Someday we're gonna look back on this

and have a hearty laugh.

Programs! Get your programs!

Complete sadistic...

Burn, baby.

My fellow Pangaeans, welcome.

And hail the Great Potato!

Hail the Great Potato!

It's just wonderful to be here tonight,

with all of you for this joyous celebration of song,

merriment and sacrificial burning.

And could you have asked for better weather, huh?

What's going on?

- That's Robbie! - Earl, they're going to burn him!

Um... well, I'm sure it's all just a scare tactic.

Well, it's working.

Robert Sinclair, you are hereby charged with the act

of willfully undermining the belief system we have held sacred

since the beginning of... uh, well, this week.

But I only asked a question.

Burn him!

Before we torch this heathen agitator,

and watch his wretched corpse snap and crackle

in the fires of goodness...

will the owner of a brown station wagon

please report to the loch, you're blocking an exit.

Oh, my gosh! Daddy, you've got to do something.

Yeah, I've gotta move the car. What a day I'm having.

Earl, that's our son up there.

Sweetheart, I know it looks pretty bad,

but I'm sure something in the Book of Potato explains all this.

What could the book possibly say to justify what they're doing?

Um, here, take a look.

All righty, if everyone would kindly grab a torch

and mosey on over to the firepit area, we can get started.

- Hurry! - It is gotta be in here somewhere.

And you kids with the marshmallows, step right on up to the front, OK?

Any last words, heretic?

I take it all back and I'm really sorry?

You're also kindling. Light the fire!

Earl, hurry up!

It doesn't say!

I guess this book doesn't have all the answers.

What did you say?

Uh-oh.

Hail to the Potato, Dad?

- Point taken. - Mmm.

Burn 'em!

The Potato demands that those who question its glory

be roasted to a golden brown.

Light the ceremonial fires!

Right, Chief.

Oh, oh, don't.

You see, Dad? No one cares about searching for truth.

They only want easy answers.

I guess easy answers aren't always the best ones.

- Yeah. - Oh, marshmallow s'mores.

Please, can't anyone stop this?

Goodbye, son.

Nothing on earth can alter the sacred will of the Po-ta-to!

Yeah!

The fire! It's gone out!

Robbie.

- Hey. - Hey, the wind.

- Where did it come from? - It blew out the fire.

But... he said the fire was the will of the Potato.

Yeah, how could the Potato allow that to happen?

Uh, well, uh...

it's not for us to try to understand

the mysterious ways of the Potato.

Uh... for, uh, for its plan is beyond the ken

of, uh, mere mortals.

- You're making this up! - Yeah!

- Yeah, you don't have a clue! - No!

Yeah, we need answers.

You're right, we all need answers.

But we can't make the mistake of accepting the first answer

that's handed to us just because it's there.

But we liked that because it was easy.

But it turned out to be a fraud, didn't it?

Well, yes.

What have you learned?

Well, uh... we have to explore and think,

and after a personal, spiritual quest decide the answers for ourselves.

- Yes. - Ah. And then...

- kill everyone who disagrees. - Yes!

No! Everyone must be allowed to believe what they want to believe.

Ah. You know,

I always sort of believed that the universe

was coughed up by the Great Congested Warthog.

- Huh? - That's... interesting.

And you're entitled to that... belief.

Um, what if all life

were forked out of the flaky crust of steaming chicken pot pie?

Think they'll ever get around to unchaining us?

Yeah. Yeah, if they ever figure out the meaning of life.

Well, it's a beautiful night.

Oh, yeah, it sure is. Look at those stars.

Yeah.

Dad, where do you think the stars come from?

I've never thought about it before, son.

But now I think I will.