Original subtitles

And now, back to Captain Action Figure and his paramilitary pals.

Yay!

Oh, Tommy, we're lost.

Oh, no! I'd better contact Captain Action Figure

with my special signal ring, made with action plastic

- for high impact fun. - Whoa!

I'm here, Timmy.

Lucky for you, you had your Captain Action Figure signal ring.

Gosh, Captain, how can I get one of these rings?

Your mommy will buy it for you, Tommy...

if she loves you.

- Mm-hmm. - Uh-huh.

Do you love me?

Honey, I love you so much I couldn't possibly express it

simply by buying you a signal ring.

Good save, Mom.

I've learned a thing or two.

Daddy's home! And there's exciting news.

You'll never guess what coveted and prestigious promotion I got today.

- Toxic waste supervisor? - Wow! You're good.

Hey, what gave it away? It was the "coveted" part, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Earl, that's great news. Do you get a raise?

No, but I get this complementary smock and two free chest X-rays a year.

- Well, we're all very proud of you. - Yeah.

- You think Jeff and Moshe can come? - Charlene? Robbie?

Surely, you can muster a little enthusiasm

for your father's wonderful news.

No, no, Fran. They're teenagers.

We have to look at them a little differently.

They're dead to us.

But... this one. He's still young. And there's still hope.

And I believe now that I've ascended to a lofty position in the business world,

he'll have a newfound respect.

Shut up! And move!

Isn't that cute?

Of course, a promotion's a big concept for him.

And his little mind can't absorb it all.

Daddy got a new job.

Can't see the TV!

Forget it, Dad. His favorite show's on.

Not anymore.

Uh...

Wanna see Captain Action Figure!

What's the big deal with this Captain Action guy?

He's my hero.

And just what does he have that I don't?

A TV show!

Turn it back on!

Well, I got this smock.

What do you think of that?

Yuck.

Boy, I got a lot of fond memories of this park.

This is right where I taught Charlene and Robbie how to swim.

Yeah.

Oh, well.

Yeah. So, I bet the youngsters

were pretty darn impressed with the new job and all.

Oh. Oh, absolutely. Yeah.

Of course, the baby didn't quite grasp the complexities

of a career leap of this magnitude.

That's why I made this neat hat.

- There. - Hey!

Hey! A little ostentatious.

Hey, before you get their respect, you gotta get their attention.

- Yeah. - Whoop.

- Huh? - There. Besides,

this is better than anything Captain Action Figure has.

I don't know, pally-boy.

Seems to me the love and respect of your child is cheapened somehow

if it's based entirely upon a hat.

- Even a really great hat? - Yeah, I'm afraid so.

Your children should love you for who you are.

- Roy, you're right! - Yeah.

Uh... But who am I to say?

I don't have any children.

- My hat! - Huh?

Yep. There he goes.

Hey! Pally-boy!

You know, for a big fella, you're kind of elegant in the water.

- I got it! I got the hat! - Hey.

- Got the hat. - Hey.

Um, Earl, uh... Hey.

- Earl, you're glowing. - Thanks. I'm pretty proud of myself.

No, that's... That's not what I meant.

Uh...

Honey, I'm home.

Aaah!

- Ohh! - Ow!

- Ow! - Ooh!

Ahh!

So, what do you think this could be?

Well, maybe you're allergic to something in the toxic waste.

- Oh! Hey, look, it's fading. - Oh. Kind of a shame.

It really brought out the color in your eyes.

Roy, I feel kind of funny.

- Let's get out of here. - Yeah, yeah.

Whoa!

Earl? Uh...

Hey, you're flying!

Oh, my gosh, you're right! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh!

Hey. We've been friends 20 years, pally-boy.

You never told me you could fly.

This is the first time it's ever hap...

pened!

- Whoa! - I swear.

Don't make it worse with a lie.

Hey, let's stay focused, Roy.

I was flying!

Holy... Did you ever see anything like that happen before?

Well, not in real life.

But, in comic books, spontaneous flight is fairly commonplace.

For superheroes, that is.

Hey, what if the toxic waste

somehow gave you a vast arsenal of superpowers?

Why, flying could be just the beginning!

- You mean there's more? - Let's find out. Tell me,

what do you see in my change purse?

I see a guy with a blurred definition of masculinity.

- No... I mean inside the purse. - Oh.

I wanna check out if you have X-ray vision.

Oh, right! Um...

Jeez!

I said X-ray vision, not heat vision.

Hey, I'm new at this.

Yeah, well, thanks a lot for burnin' my lunch money.

Well, to tell you the truth, Roy, you could stand to miss a few lunches.

What are you up to now, 24,716 pounds?

Well, with my clothes on, yeah.

Wow! What an astonishing array of powers!

Flying, heat vision, and guessing weight to within a pound!

- Yeah. - Do you know what this means?

I'm gonna win a lot of bar bets.

No! You're a superhero.

And that means you gotta use your superpowers

to fight evil wherever it might rear its diabolical head.

- You think? - Sure.

In nearly every classic comic book,

the guy with the powers dons a cape and tights,

and, using a secret identity,

battles for truth, justice,

and the Pangaean way.

Oh, boy! Hey, wait till the baby gets a load of these powers.

He'll forget all about that Captain Action Figure guy.

Doesn't even have heat vision.

The big weenie.

No! You can never reveal your secret identity

to the baby or anyone else.

To do otherwise would be to place your loved ones in jeopardy.

No, they must never know the real identity of...

Hey.

You need a snappy new superhero name.

Whatever it is, it's got to be something to impress the baby.

How about Captain Impressive?

- Bingo! - Aha!

- Ha ha! - Rats!

Captain Impressive appeared from nowhere, saving thousands of lives.

- Wow! - Cool.

But the question remains.

Who is this caped marvel? This heat-vision hero?

This weight-guessing wonder?

Who is Captain Impressive?

Well, he's a superhero, so he was probably born on a distant planet

to a race of highly intelligent creatures.

Well, I heard that he lives at the bottom of the sea in a domed kingdom

made entirely of diamonds, -

- and big pearls. - Really? Where'd you hear that?

- I have sources. - Hi, honey, I'm home.

Earl, you're over an hour late for dinner. Why didn't you call?

Well, excuse me! But it just so happens I was out saving the whole...

Hmm?

Uh... The whole 20 cents by not calling.

It adds up, you know.

So, uh, you guys catch that Captain what's-his-name on TV?

- Oh, yeah. - Captain Impressive!

Yeah, he's all over the news.

Hey, Dad, did you see him? He caught a meteor in his bare hands.

Yeah. Pretty brave stuff. Quite the hero, I'd say.

- He's my favorite! - Really?

You like him more than TV's famous Captain Action Figure?

- Way more! - Oh.

I, uh... I bet you'd like to meet him.

- Uh-huh! - You know,

- you may already have met him. - Huh?

- What? - Hmm?

Hmm?

Um...

in the sense that we all have met him.

Um, watching TV, because, uh,

television is such an intimate medium.

Oh.

So, you stopped evil in its tracks, saved the planet...

Oh, thanks, by the way.

And the baby's got a new hero.

Yep! Hey, being a superhero is none too shabby.

I only wish I could take a shower.

Fran's beginning to complain that I smell a little ripe.

Oh, no, no. You must never bathe.

The sticky chemical coating that envelops your body

is the key to your superpowers.

Should you ever shower, you risk losing them entirely.

- Well, I can't take that chance. - No.

The baby's finally beginning to look up to me.

And the world's depending on you.

In the eternal struggle against evil,

your powers are a sacred gift and a precious resource.

Would you toast this cheese sandwich for me?

- Oh, sure. - Yeah.

Well, well.

Sinclair! In here, now!

- Hey! Come on. - Ooh! Oh! Oh!

Uh... Uh...

Do you think he knows?

Well, well, Sinclair.

It looks like you've been holding out on me.

Uh, what could you possibly be referring to, sir?

Oh, nothing.

So, care for a cigar, Captain Impressive?

- Whoa! Don't mind if I do. - Ah!

Oh, phoo!

Well, I guess super intelligence isn't a part of the package, huh?

Please, don't tell anybody, sir.

Oh, no need to, Sinclair. It'll be our little secret, OK?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

That's quite an array of superpowers you have there.

They could be very useful to a sinister

multinational conglomerate such as this.

Uh... Sorry, sir,

but I'm duty-bound to fight the forces of evil.

As far as I can tell, you're evil, so...

- I'll be on my way. - Not so fast, Captain Imbecile.

This is your tree pusher contract

you signed when you came to work for us.

Do you know what it says?

I know what it weighs.

Page 23, paragraph seven, sub-section D.

"Should you at any time obtain supernatural powers of any sort,

all activity and proceeds arising from said powers,

shall be under the complete and exclusive control

- of the Wesayso... - Corporation."

You said I didn't have to read that.

Your days of upholding the law

and fighting for truth and justice are over!

You're a corporate guy now.

You want me to use my superpowers to help Wesayso?

You got no choice. We got you legally.

But, I can still get to save lives and help those in trouble?

Oh, absolutely!

We encourage that sort of thing.

Just as soon as you've completed your official duties.

Stealing over 300,000,

making that the third bank robbery today,

and part of the recent crime spree that has plagued our fair city.

In a related story, the new Wesayso Mall of Pangaea opened this afternoon

with a festive ribbon-cutting ceremony.

Doing the honors was Captain Impressive.

Yay!

Captain Impressive, how do you justify

standing around at a mall opening while the city is ravaged by crime?

Uh... because it would be a crime to miss these values.

Come on down!

Well, I guess everybody's got their price.

Now, now, let's not jump to conclusions.

He may have superpowers, but he also has a wife and kids and bills to pay.

- Hmm? - Huh?

Um... I'm assuming.

Besides, you know what they pay for stopping a meteor from hitting Earth?

Let me tell you. Zippo.

Oh, come on, Dad. He sold out.

There's no law that says a superhero can't be a champion of commerce

and endorse worthwhile products that enhance the quality of life.

Yeah, right.

Yes, Captain Impressive fights a never-ending battle

for flavor, freshness, and big meaty taste.

Wesayso Beefsticks. They're chew-riffic!

He's a flying billboard.

He's my hero!

Yay, Captain Impressive!

Yeah, you see that? Kids need to have heroes.

Yes, Earl, but what kind of heroes?

Want beefsticks! They're chew-riffic!

See, he's... teaching kids about nutrition.

Those things are chock-full of nutritious...

- chemicals. - I don't know, Dad.

It seems like he used to stand for something,

but now he's at the beck and call of a big greedy corporation.

Why, that's nonsense, son.

Oh!

Excuse me.

Ha!

I saw your signal in the sky. You wanted to see me, sir?

Indeed I did, Captain Flunky!

Research indicates that while you are, uh,

somewhat admired by adults 18 to 49,

you're rated as god-like...

- by children two to eleven. - Yeah.

Children with significant purchasing power.

This superhero thing could be a real cash cow.

And I intend to milk it with both hands.

What are you talking about, sir?

I'm talking about a brand-new TV show

that'll draw those adoring little tots

like rats to cheese.

The Captain Impressive Action Fun Hour!

- My own TV show? - Yeah.

Oh, wow! Hey, hey, I could set a good example to the kids.

Sing songs about right and wrong, teach them the four basic food groups...

Oh, don't be stupid! This ain't public television!

You're gonna sit there and sell those toys!

Hmm? Oh.

Oh! Hey, neat! It's me!

Hi, I'm Captain Impressive!

And I want you to eat all of your fruits and...

Um, Mr. Richfield, I think this one's defective.

No, they're all like that.

- But is that safe for children? - Sure, it is!

A kid can have fun with the doll, and afterwards...

clean fish.

Oh.

Whoa! Now these are great!

Captain Impressive Pajamas.

Uh... Oh, wait a sec.

Are these flame retardant?

Uh, they're flame resistant.

Uh... They're made out of newspaper.

They just don't resist very long.

- Mr. Richfield... - Mm-hmm.

I believe all the items you plan on selling to the children

are shoddy and dangerous.

Oh, no. You're exaggerating, Sinclair.

Everything's dangerous if it's not used properly.

The Captain Impressive Trachea Plug, sir?

That's clearly labeled, "Ages 12 and older."

- But, sir, I... - Look.

We could argue philosophy all day long,

but I don't want to!

Now, you're under contract,

so get your impressive butt over to that TV studio.

The show starts in three minutes!

- Sir, I... - Move it!

Aaah! Up, up and away!

Well, he sure ain't Captain Punctual.

Hi. I'm Captain Impressive.

- Not to me. - Stand by.

And we're on in three... two... one.

Hi, kids! Hey, and welcome to the Captain Impressive Fun Hour, huh?

Let's get right to the fun, shall we, with this first item up for sale.

Oh, yeah.

And this is Captain Impressive.

Hi there, kids. Don't forget to hold your parents' hands

- when you cross... - Right, OK.

Let's take a closer look at this Captain Impressive Figurine.

Shall we? You might expect to pay,

oh, $79 for a figurine of such fine craftsmanship and detail.

- Cheap. - - Heck, $60 would be a great price.

But you won't have to pay that here.

- No, no. - Nope.

You pay only $6.95!

Get in on the deal!

Hey, let's take a call, huh? Boom! Who's this?

- Billy. - Billy!

You wanted to pick up that Captain Impressive figurine, huh?

- Get in on the deal! - No, not really.

It's just that no one's ever home and I'm kind of lonely

and I want to talk to someone and...

Right. Thanks for calling.

Let's preview that next item up for sale.

It's the Captain Impressive Trachea Plug.

OK, let's take another call.

- Who's this? - The baby!

Hey, original name.

So, you wanted to pick up one of those beautiful figurines.

Get in on the deal!

Want the trachea plug!

- Hmm. - Baby?

- Baby Sinclair? - Oh! How do you...? Ha!

Oh! Hi, Captain Impressive!

Can you autograph the plug for me?

Uh, Baby, why would you want to buy a dangerous thing like this?

'Cause it's got your name on it.

And you're my hero.

- Ah... - Uh, wait a second.

I wanted to be your hero, but not to sell you things.

- You got sneakers with a pump? - Sweetheart, what's going on?

Sell.

No! This is wrong!

I don't wanna be a part of this anymore.

Not the mama.

- Earl?! - That's right.

And there's something I wanna tell you, Baby.

And all the other boys and girls out there.

Something valuable that you need to know about this whole monopolistic,

evil industry that... sells products to children.

Come on, kids.

Help me battle the forces of evil high prices.

Get in on the deal! Ha ha!

- All done, sweetheart? - Uh-huh.

Good job.

Hmm?

Oh.

Well, I showered.

And...? How do you feel?

I don't feel super. But I smell a lot better.

Maybe you should try doing something super.

Oh, OK. Um...

18,043 pounds.

You're mortal again.

And I'm not speaking to you.

Yeesh.

Um... Hi there.

It's me... Daddy.

Um... Oh! Um, I got something for you.

Look. It's Captain Impressive.

Eh...

Um, I fixed him so he's safe to play with.

So, um...

You can... play with him.

Don't like him.

How come?

Doesn't have superpowers anymore.

Not a superhero.

Well, I'll let you in on a little secret.

If you take off the cape and the mask and the funny costume...

sometimes you find a real hero underneath.

- Looks like you. - That's the point.

You see, daddies are heroes too.

And mommies.

We may not have heat vision,

but we go to back-breaking, mind-numbing jobs

so you can grow up comfortably

and have some nice things in your life.

It may not be flashy...

but it's real.

Do you understand?

I think so.

Guess my weight!

Jeez. Kids don't appreciate you and don't care what you do.

Hmm.

Hey. Woo hoo...

I'm Captain Daddy!

Going to work a mind-numbing job!

Honey, I'm home!

Yay, Captain Daddy!