Original subtitles

At last, Dr. Fiend, you've done it.

Oh, they laughed at me, Igor.

They mocked me. They said I was mad!

But, now I, and I alone,

have given life to...

a squash!

My squash is alive!

Doctor, you are mad.

Yes! But, mad angry.

Not mad crazy.

Doctor, something's gone horribly wrong.

The monster squash, it's... it's growing out of control!

Earl?

Jeez!

I don't want Baby watching these awful scary movies.

He'll have nightmares.

I'm not scared of vegetables.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, Fran!

This isn't merely a scary movie, it's more of a, uh...

- Uh, a documentary. - Yeah!

Which examines the consequences of meddling in things you don't understand.

- Yeah. - A giant walking squash?

It could happen.

Come on, sweetheart. Time for bed.

No, no, I wanna watch the movie.

- I wanna see the scary squash! - Fine, stunt his intellectual growth.

Robbie and I are gonna sit here and soak up some science.

And now, back to 50 Foot Vegetable Theater.

I wanna watch the scary movie.

I'm a big boy.

Of course you are. You want your snuggle bear?

- Yes. - There.

Mmm.

Good night.

- Night, mama. - Good night, sweetheart.

- Night, mama. - Good night.

- Night, mama. - Good night.

Night, ma...

Big boy.

Not scared.

Um, Mr. Squash? Is that you?

Better come out, or... or I'll bite you.

Mr. Squash?

Mama!

Honey, I'm home.

Ahh!

- Ooh! - Ow!

- Ow! - Ooh!

Aah!

♪ It's Thursday night ♪

♪ Thursday night Wonderful fabulous Thursday night ♪

Oh, Earl. I wish you wouldn't make such a big deal about of this.

Oh, not a big deal. Just want to be loose and limber.

Don't want to cramp up in a crucial moment.

Get into bed!

Ooh, you impatient little minx.

- Oh, Earl. - Oh, Fran.

To be with you at this magic moment.

Where the only sound is the beating of our hearts.

Help, monster!

And, the whistling of the wind in the trees.

Mommy, Daddy, help!

Yeah, that's pretty much all you hear.

- Hearts and wind. - Mommy!

- Oh. - Frannie, you're ruining the mood.

I told you not to let him watch that monster movie.

All right, it was my mistake. I feel terrible anguish.

- Comfort me? - Mama!

- He needs me, Earl. - And I need you, too.

Come on, Fran. Who do you love more?

OK, you can let me know when you get back.

Mama, Mama, Mama!

Mama, Mama!

Mama, the monster's gonna eat me!

Aww, there's no monster, sweetheart.

No one's trying to eat you.

- Don't leave me. - I won't.

I'll be right here until you fall asleep.

Even if I have to stay here all night long.

Fran, we're running out of Thursday night.

- He's frightened, Earl. - So am I!

Look, let me handle this.

All right, I believe I know a little bit about child psychology.

Son, the next time you see that big ugly monster,

you take this special monster bat,

and let him have it.

Whack! Right on the head.

- OK? - OK, Daddy.

Attaboy. Go, Fran.

And, remember,

Mommy and Daddy are down the hall in their room doing mommy and daddy things

permissible under the law between two consenting adults.

We're outta here, Fran.

- Whack the monster! - Turn on the light.

Whack the monster!

- Fran, lights, now! - I can't find the switch.

Whack the monster!

There it is.

Are you all right, sweetheart?

- No, I broke my monster bat. - Aww.

I'm scared again. Don't leave me.

Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere.

- One of us ought to get some sleep. - - No!

Big monster, need Mommy and Daddy!

Don't worry, Earl.

He'll be out like a light in five minutes.

See you in the morning, Fran.

Last night I heard some sort of noise. Did you?

Was there something going on with the baby?

- I don't know. I slept like a rock. - Yeah, me, too.

Hey.

- You guys look terrible. - Yeah, get some rest.

- Yeah. - Huh.

Gosh, I hope I don't look that pathetic when I'm old.

Morning, kids.

Awake all night, no sleep.

I can't live like this, Fran.

It's just one night. It won't last.

I can't live like this, Earl.

This just isn't fair.

He's awake all night then sleeps all day.

This "monster-under-the-bed" thing is not going away.

If we're ever gonna get any sleep,

we have to take bold, decisive action.

- We're going to a motel. - Far away.

We have to get a good night's sleep and then we'll be back.

- Maybe. - The number's on the fridge?

- No. Come on, Earl. - Oh.

- Look, don't worry. We'll be fine. - Whatever.

- Bye. Bye. - Bye.

Yes! All right!

Baby's in bed, parents are gone.

Pop a couple frozen pizzas in the oven.

I've got some long distance calls to make.

- It's a plan. - Party.

- Mama! Come quick, the monster! - Huh?

- Mama! - Flip for it?

- OK. - OK.

- Mama! Mama, come quick! - Tails, he's yours.

Yeah.

- Mama! - What?

- The monster! - All right!

Tell your big sister where the horrible monster is.

I'll kick his monster butt.

He's under the bed! There!

You know what? I think you're making this whole monster thing up.

- No! - You're trying to get attention.

No, no, no, no! Please?

- OK, I'll check. - Oh, good.

Be careful!

Are you under here, Mr. Monster?

No monsters here.

Charlene!

No!

Robbie!

We now return to 50 Foot Vegetable Theater.

This time I've really done it, Igor.

Behold!

A shiitake mushroom!

Robbie!

- What? - Need you now!

- Charlene's there. Need her. - The monster ate her!

Well, then I'll bet Mr. Monster's tired from all that chewing.

- Now why don't you both go to sleep? - I'm scared!

Charlene, could you please deal with this?

I don't think so.

Oh. All right.

She just doesn't know how to handle kids.

Stand back!

I've come to vanquish the evil slumber menace once and for all.

I brought my special monster zapper.

That's the vacuum cleaner.

With a special monster-sucking accessory hose.

- Oh. - So, where's Charlene?

I told you. Monster pulled her under the bed!

Oh, look. I'm gonna show you once and for all...

- there is no monster... - No! Don't!

Under the bed! What?

Just this big scary hole leading into a cavernous netherworld.

Charlene's down there. We gotta save her!

Well, look, just because you saw Charlene get sucked into that hole,

doesn't mean she's down there.

Robbie! Help!

Help me, Robbie! Can you hear me?

Bummer.

Um... uh...

listen, little guy, if you're a touch nervous being down here,

I understand and we can just turn around

and head back and rethink this.

You're chicken, aren't you?

- Oh, no. I'm thinking of you. - Chicken-boy!

Stop it.

Cut that out.

Aw, jeez.

Shh! Charlene?

Oh, Robbie, be careful.

- He'll see you. - Who?

The monster. Oh, he's got huge claws

and a horrible face with lots of big, sharp teeth.

Don't see any monster. Maybe it's your imagination.

All right, I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

Now hurry up and get me out of here!

- He's gonna cook me for dinner. - Yeah. Well, where did he go?

That way. Robbie, we gotta hurry.

He could be back here any minute.

Look, I don't know what he's doing, but I'm sure it's something diabolical.

There.

Hey! What're you doing here, you stinking meddling kids?

- Oh, no. - Uh...

- This is your big, scary monster? - Yeah.

This is the threat beneath the house?

- Oh, I'm shaking! - No, Robbie.

No, you'll just get him mad.

Oh, we don't want to get him mad because if we did that

then we'd be unleashing, what, a good 30 pounds of subterranean fury?

Come here, little fella. Come here, boy.

- Robbie. - Whoa, whoa!

Never underestimate a guy with a low center of gravity.

I'm sorry, Earl, but I called three times and no one answered.

Something is obviously wrong.

Ah, they're probably fast asleep.

Give me one reason why we should be here instead of back at the motel.

There are two pizzas here, they haven't even been touched.

- Good enough for me. - I'll check the baby's room.

Well, oh, and, uh, I'll check the refrigerator

for signs of other suspicious foodstuffs.

Mmm.

This chocolate cake bears closer inspection.

I'd better send it right down to the lab.

Robbie? Charlene?

Earl! Come quick!

They're gone! Call the police!

Jeez.

Yeah, when you think "daring rescue"

you almost have to think "Robert Sinclair."

- Not amusing. - I mean, how do you do it?

It's like you're some sort of rescuing machine.

- Ooh, a fight. - I'm gonna get outta here fine.

- You know why? - Why?

Our friend will eat you first and choke to death on your fat head.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Fat head, that's funny.

And a fat butt to match it.

Oh, yeah? Let's see you come over to my cage and say that!

Shut up. Shut up!

It's bad enough living under this noise.

Now I gotta be ringside to this nonstop yapfest.

If you hate us so much, why are you living under our house?

I'm living under your house? Oh, that's rich.

I'm not living under your house, you're living on top of mine!

When we built our house there was nothing but a mound of dirt.

Well, that mound of dirt was my home.

One minute, I'm sitting in the sun room, doing my crossword,

and the next, somebody's pouring concrete on my head!

But that was ten years ago. What've you been doing all this time?

Tunneling through ten feet of concrete.

But... but, ten years?

It took me eight years just to get the permits.

Look, I know you're mad, but you don't have to kill us.

If you were displaced from your land, you have rights, we can negotiate,

one species to another.

Ah, you want to negotiate?

- Yeah. - Fine, I'll negotiate.

I'll negotiate after I eat you!

Well, at least we have a dialogue going. Ha.

You were right to call the authorities.

When citizens take the law into their own hands,

we police have very little to do.

Chief, we completed the investigation of the child's room.

- Ah, excellent. Report. - Back here, sir.

- Huh? Right. - Yes, Chief. The hole checks out.

- We're dealing with a monster. - You're sure?

Yeah, big spider webs. Eerie, dripping sounds.

Torches on the walls. It's a 317, all right.

- 317? - Monster under the bed.

We get them all the time, ma'am.

Really? What kind of a monster is it?

From the physical evidence, I'd say the subject is a male,

webbed claws, about 300 pounds, lots of spooky, googly eyes all over its head.

- Oh! - I'm just guessing on the eye thing.

Now try and stay calm, Mrs. Sinclair.

This situation is under control.

Your children are in the competent hands of

trained law enforcement professionals.

Hey, everybody! We're gonna be on TV!

Oh, goody!

- Call my mom, tell her to tape this. - 10-4.

We interrupt this program for a special report.

Here is DNN's senior correspondent, Howard Handupme.

Good afternoon, the standoff between

local police and the scary monster under the bed

continues at this hour

as negotiators search for a way

to communicate with the beast.

Police Chief Parish, any luck making contact with the creature?

No, Howard. I'm afraid we're pretty much out of ideas at this point.

If only it were as easy as picking up a telephone

and calling the creature itself.

But there are no easy answers in police work.

Wouldn't you say, Chief?

Ah, oh, nuts.

Hello? Monster-Under-the-Bed.

Uh, can I call you back? I'm right in the middle of dinner.

Oh, all right. But make it quick, I'm famished.

- Here you go, it's for you. - Uh...

Hello?

Robbie, can you hear me? Are you all right?

So far. What happened is we built our house on top of this guy's house,

which was wrong, but, he's not such a bad guy, he's pretty reasonable.

- And he's gonna eat us. - Baby! Is that you?

We're now hearing the voice of Baby Sinclair.

He's gonna cook us in a big pot with carrots. I hate carrots!

- Earl, do something! - Who, me?

- Son, this is your dad. - How ya doing?

This is your dad.

Hey, look, when I talk on the telephone,

it comes out on the TV!

Hello, my name is Earl. I am now talking into the telephone.

All right, enough chit-chat. Time to eat!

Please, sir. I know how to handle this.

We calm him down, establish a rapport.

Hey, there, monster.

Did you ever share a hot cocoa with your dad?

Well, yeah. Yeah, I did.

- Boy, that really brings back memories. - - Sure.

- Sounds like you really understand. - - Ha-ha.

Well, it's just 'cause I care so darn much.

Release those kids, dirtbag! Or we'll turn you off like a light switch!

- If I go, they go with me! - You don't have the guts!

I dare ya! Go ahead, scaredy-pants, do it!

Do it!

He's clearly unstable.

We'd better move in.

Ahh!

So it appears we've reached a boiling point

as police and monster inch ever closer to an almost inevitable firestorm.

Huh? Yes.

I've just been informed the tactical team

is about to make its move into the cavern.

- Everyone ready? - Yep.

Count of three.

- One... - No, no!

Two...

And we'll be right back after a word

from the makers of Happy Fluff candy.

Hold it.

♪ Sugary sweet Light and airy ♪

Nice bright colors ♪

♪ Nothing scary ♪

♪ Fluff candy ♪

♪ Fluff candy ♪

♪ Candy candy ♪

♪ Happy fluff ♪

♪ Candy twice the sugar ♪

- Ahh - ♪ Fluff candy ♪

♪ Twice the sugar ♪

Have you tried new cocoa Fluff?

- ♪ Twice the sugar ♪ - Sugar, more sugar!

♪ Twice the sugar ♪

♪ Fluff candy twice the sugar ♪

Can I have some more, Mom?

- And we're back live. - Three, let's go!

Earl, you've got to stop them!

- Wait a minute! - Hold it.

I've got an idea.

Out of the chaos comes the lone, tiny voice of a child.

What idea could this adorable, but naive, moppet provide

that could possibly change the terrible destiny that now unfolds before us?

Do you want to hear my idea or not?

All right.

Just move the house.

Move the house. In a word, ridiculous.

But let's throw it to our resident expert, Ernest J. LaPan.

Ernest, is it at all possible?

Could they actually just move the house?

Sure.

But, even if it is possible,

will this bloodthirsty, half-crazed basement beast

possible consider such a whimsical solution.

- Hmm. Yeah, OK. - Yay!

- Gets us home by 6:00. - OK.

Isn't that wonderful, Earl?

Well, I don't know how I feel until TV tells me.

And so, this dramatic stalemate sadly peters out

without any of the gunplay we have come to expect.

And, in fact, pathetically need.

Stay tuned for the movie of the week.

Loosely based on this incident,

but with a much more exciting ending.

And nudity. Good night.

Yay!

- Hold on, here comes another one. - - Oh.

Whee!

Again!

- I think that did it. - Oh. Whew.

- You had quite an adventure. - I did, Mama.

All right, fellas, thanks a lot.

Well, that was smooth, crisis averted.

- Everyone's happy. - Yep.

Hey, you know something?

I learned a very valuable lesson from all this.

What's that, Earl?

- Gather round, everybody. - OK.

I learned that when an infant tells you something,

no matter how wildly improbable or utterly farfetched it might seem,

you should believe him, 'cause he's always telling the truth.

Earl, that's...

ridiculous! That's a stupid lesson.

Well, let's just see.

What do you have to say, little fellow?

Look, a giant monster squash!

OK, I guess I was wrong...

again.

No, no, no, really! There's a giant monster squash out there!