Original subtitles

The dinosaurs...

So much is yet unknown about these ferocious and magnificent beasts

that ruled the planet more than 60 million years ago.

Here at the prestigious Royal Museum of Natural History,

artifacts unearthed the world over provide clues to the dinosaur mystery.

Hey.

Why is our numerical system based on ten,

when we only have eight fingers?

Whoa!

And it is up to a select group of dedicated scientists,

called paleontologists,

or dinosaur detectives, if you will,

to take these bits of bone, these fragments of fossil

and shape our understanding of history,

indeed, link us to our primeval past.

What qualifies these men and women to hold such lofty positions?

Certainly years of arduous study and advanced degrees,

grueling apprenticeships and endless field training.

That is, until now.

Because now, with the Famous Paleontologists' Home Study Course,

you can be working in this prestigious field,

alongside noted scholars and Nobel prize winners,

in as little as eight weeks.

This course is a veritable treasure-trove of valuable information.

You'll have everything you need to get started

in the high-paid, glamorous world of paleontology.

Designed so you can work at your own pace,

the home study course teaches you everything you need

to get your paleontology license.

And oddly enough, your contractors license, as well.

These lavishly illustrated volumes will transport you back

tens of millions of years to the dawn of time.

In your mind's eye, you will see these gigantic reptiles

towering against the sky.

And in your mind's ear, you will hear their terrifying roar

rumble once again across the primeval landscape.

OK.

Here you go.

All right, son, you can do it. Come on, junior, do it for Daddy.

Way to go, son!

Fascinating.

And that's only a fraction of what you'll learn

with the Famous Paleontologists' Home Study Course.

But perhaps you're asking yourselves, "Is this simple correspondence course

really all I need to become a working paleontologist?"

Of course not... You need this hat.

And you can get this totally authentic hat absolutely free.

Stay tuned to Dinosaurs for full details about this amazing offer!

Honey, I'm home.

Aaah!

- Ohh! - Ow!

- Ow! - Ooh!

Aah!

We're back. Clearly, the promise of a free hat has piqued your interest.

I'll be telling you about this delightful headgear later.

- Hey! - But first, this hard pitch.

How many times have you said to yourself,

"Gosh, I'd sure like a career in one of the natural sciences"?

That's where the real opportunities are,

if you have the training.

I'd love to help shape man's perception of history.

But I never finished high school.

Not a problem... with the Famous Paleontologists' Home Study Course.

Besides these easy to read workbooks, you'll also receive reference guides,

audio tapes, video tapes, charts, graphs, models, flash cards,

photos, a journal, stickers,

and the patented Wheel O' Dinosaur Facts.

Let's say you're at a symposium,

exploring family structure among the dinosaurs.

Simply turn the wheel to family

and you'll discover that the dinosaur was actually a devoted

and nurturing parent.

Nobody's gonna tell me when and where I can parent.

This is my house, these are my kids and I love 'em.

- Hey, Dad... - Shut up, I'm talking.

You know, I was just thinking.

When was the last time I sat down and listened to my son play his guitar?

♪ Look at me! ♪

♪ Look at me ♪

♪ Look at me Look at me! ♪

It's called parenting, Earl.

Oh, please. I've been parenting for 15 years.

No one has to tell me how to be a good dad.

You get one crumb on that seat and you're crawling home, buster.

Very nurturing.

- Daddy! - What?

Play a game.

- OK. - Goody.

Let's play... um... where's Daddy?

Hmm.

Where's Daddy?

This game stinks.

Found me yet?

Found you.

Hey, there's a hole in this chair.

Of course there's a hole in it. That's the whole point.

Now, go.

Don't wanna go.

Oh, come on!

- Mr. Toilet's a friend. - No.

And the best way to treat a new friend is...

to sit in them and give them a big present.

That's disgusting!

You guys never throw parties for me.

Charlene, you know we love you every bit as much as Robbie.

He's here.

Oh, Robbie!

Earl, did you hear that?

Charlene's coat just said we're bad parents.

Charlene who?

How about that.

There's all this cooperation, all this caring.

We're like a cooperating, caring unit of some kind.

- Like a family? - Yeah.

Like on TV.

We're so confident that you'll be thrilled

with the Famous Paleontologists' Home Study Course,

we'll make you this remarkable offer.

Order now and you'll receive, as a special bonus,

this authentic and sporty pith helmet, absolutely free.

Yes, it's the very same pith helmet

worn by professional paleontologists the world over.

Just put it on and you can pull down the same fat salary they do.

Another hefty check from a prestigious European museum.

I learned so much from the course.

The volumes on dinosaurs' sex roles really opened my eyes.

I would never have imagined

that dinosaur females contributed so much to their society,

and were so respected by males.

On your wedding day, Fran wore something

that held great sentimental value to her.

What was it?

Deodorant, Bob.

I'm sorry. Fran said...

My mother's wedding dress.

I was so close.

Earl, the reason we decided that I should pay the bills

is that when you pay the bills you always overreact. Oh, my!

"Oh, my"? What, "Oh, my"? You never, say "Oh, my".

We'll worry about this one later.

No! We'll fly off the handle about it right now, thank you very much.

It's the phone bill and it's just a little more than I expected.

$4,563,000?!

That's our phone number.

Oh.

OK, next question, Earl.

Earl, since you've been married,

Fran has asked you to remember only one matter of a romantic nature.

What is it?

Put the toilet seat down, Bob.

Close, but Fran said she wanted you to remember...

Our anniversary.

So, you're husband's in real estate?

No, I'm in real estate.

It's nice that your husband lets you help him around the office.

So, what do you do? Make him coffee?

No, I don't make coffee for my husband,

because I don't have a husband.

Hmm, a big gal like you?

Learn to make a good cup of coffee, you'll snag a male in no time.

Robbie, you have feelings for this girl,

but you're breaking up with her just because of a lot of rumors.

Does that make sense?

When I first met your father, a lot of my friends told me

he had no ambition, he was lazy,

and he would stay a tree pusher all his life. Now, were they right?

That may not be the best example.

- It's over between Wendy and me. - Why didn't I listen to them?

Fran, have you been drinking?

You bet. I've got my beer goggles on and you are looking mighty fine.

Now! Now, now, now! Just hold on!

You can't just turn me on and off like a light switch.

I'm coming from a vulnerable place right now.

Take off your shirt.

Earl, you said "pudding snacks," and Fran said,

"The birth of our first child".

But it was the male dinosaur who ruled the roost,

strutting, swaggering, aggressively masculine.

♪ It's a most unusual day ♪

♪ It's like catching the bridal bouquet ♪

♪ It's like reaching the moon or composing a tune ♪

♪ It's a most unusual day ♪

It was incredible! I drew on my primitive instincts,

and stalked it, just like our ancestors did.

And then, when there was no escape,

I plunged my pointy stick savagely into its heart.

And at that moment, I knew I was a hunter!

Do you know what that feels like?

Well... uh...

I hit something driving to work once.

I think it was a cat.

Well, it was either him or me.

You know, guys, it doesn't get any better than this.

Out here with my best buds in the bosom of nature, I feel totally at home.

I'm with you there.

Out here, I feel comfortable enough

to express my true aggressive nature.

- Spi... spi... spi... - What?

Spi... spi... spi... spi... spi... spi... spi... spi...

Spider!

Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!

"But the warriors were not afraid. They bravely stood their ground."

Gee, I don't know, son.

We are dinosaurs. There's a primitive, brutal beast inside each of us.

And yet, we're also civilized

and so we've all turned into a big bunch of wussies.

♪ How lovely to be a woman ♪

♪ The wait was well worthwhile ♪

♪ How lovely to wear mascara ♪

♪ And smile a woman's smile ♪

Is he really doing what I think he's doing?

♪ That's round instead of flat ♪

♪ Whenever you hear boys whistle ♪

♪ You're what they're whistling at ♪

- ♪ It's wonderful to feel ♪ - Oh.

♪ The way a woman feels ♪

Maybe you're still not sure

whether the Famous Paleontologists' School is right for you.

Well, stay tuned. And I'll show you how,

simply by ordering this remarkable course,

you can make a guaranteed $100,000.

Get out of here!

How can we guarantee $100,000 in your pocket

by simply ordering the Famous Paleontologists' Home Study Course?

Simple.

Cost of a traditional education in paleontology

at a big impressive university in Europe: $110,000.

Cost of the Famous Paleontologists' Course: $89.95. Save $100,000.

And you'll learn everything those high-priced paleontologists learn,

including the latest theories, which pose

that the dinosaurs did not necessarily

spend every waking moment

in the brutal struggle for survival.

Kids, drop everything. It's TV time.

Welcome back to Totally Hidden Predator.

We hid our predator in this peaceful suburban park.

Let's watch as the unsuspecting Ida Schmertzler

comes home from the market now.

What's for dinner, Ida?

You are!

The evil Dr. Bad is up to no good again.

Is there no one who can save us?

Look! It's Captain Action Figure!

Yay!

Stand back, kids! This calls for my Captain Action Figure

Laser-Sighted Bazooka Blaster! Mm-hmm!

Want that!

Is this available in stores everywhere?

It sure is, Jeffy.

Does it come Utility Belt and limited supply of Action Ammo?

Sold separately.

Want that!

How long is this commercial?

Not a commercial. Children's programming.

TV shows don't cause stupidness.

They merely reflect the stupidness inherent in society.

ABC, watch us.

♪ Please! Please! Please! ♪

Wednesday night is just for

laughs with the fresh new House Full of Dads.

Daddy, will you please read me a bedtime story?

- Sure thing. - OK, sweetheart.

I don't get it.

This fall, it's Info 411,

actual calls for help, real incidents that really happen.

- What city please? - - Yeah, in Lower Pangaea,

I need the number for Don Tarnofsky...

I have two D. Tarnofskys, do you know the street?

No, I don't!

Info 411, from the producers of Interesting Car Wrecks.

I don't get it.

Mother, there must be more for you to do

than sit around and watch the grass grow.

We're back with more grass-growing action.

What an exciting lawn this has turned out to be.

You've got that right, Howard.

We've been watching this dichondra for four days

and have seen nearly a quarter inch of growth.

Oh, and... I understand we're going back down to the lawn right now.

Let's watch.

And now, back to Totally ineffectual Dad!

Honey, I'm concerned about Eddie. He seems to be on fire.

Tonight, we wondered what would happen

if we put our totally hidden predator in a personnel office.

Hello? Uh, huh?

Hello? I'm here for the job interview.

Um... hmm?

Hey, it's a predator! Am I on TV?

At the Famous Paleontology School, we're selective.

It's not everyone who can compete in the challenging

and competitive world of professional paleontology.

To see if you qualify, take this simple test of your aptitude.

Draw Rex.

Send it in to us and our renowned faculty will evaluate your drawing

to see if you have what it takes to be a professional paleontologist.

If you do, we'll send you Dinosaurs At Work,

in which you'll study the subtle dynamic between management and labor.

You're all fired! Fired! Fired! Fired!

Now, get outta here before I split your bellies and make tarpaulins out of ya!

Sinclair, office!

Hey, there's a couple of words you hate to hear next to each other, huh?

Dance!

Huh?

Now!

Oh, yeah, OK.

Enough!

I just wanted to see if you'd do it.

What's your son doing dating my daughter?!

Oh, sir, they barely know each other. They're practically strangers.

I'm not even sure he's my son.

They're sitting together in math class right now!

You must have some kind of parental radar.

That's right.

The latest in overprotective parenting technology.

That little blip is the apple of my eye.

Yes, I can certainly see the family resemblance.

Oh, some may say I'm an overzealous control freak with paranoid delusions.

No.

But I like to think of myself as a loving papa.

Sinclair, you big dope, get in here!

Sinclair, I saw you push down a tree without getting its roots.

Do you know what that means?!

Um... I get cake?

No, you thundering boob!

Sinclair, in here now!

- He heard us laughing. - He thinks we're happy.

Yeah, he hates that.

Uh... do you know why he called us in here?

Guess he wants us to watch him read the paper.

Ah. Uh... no one reads the paper like you, sir. Uh...

Huh.

Oh, oh, yeah, the way you turn those pages, such style, such panache.

Shut up!

We feel confident that you will be delighted with our home study course.

But don't take our word for it.

Listen to these home study graduates.

I wanted something to do in my spare time while the kids are at school.

Now, I'm carbon dating at home and competing with prestigious universities.

I've purchased home study courses before,

but none as satisfying as paleontology.

Now I'm making big bucks writing scholarly articles

for scientific journals.

And I can't keep the chicks off me.

We can't guarantee that you'll be a babe magnet,

but we're sure you'll be riveted by volume nine:

The Dinosaur Infant.

Not the mama!

Look who's home.

Not the mama.

And what would you be doing?

Nothing.

You're gonna make a poop, aren't ya?

Maybe.

- He's goin'. - Definitely.

Are you going or not?

Ahh. Not anymore.

Sure you know what you're doing?

Haven't a clue.

Mommy!

Hey, don't you worry, little guy.

You're in capable hands.

See, your dad and Uncle Roy have everything under control.

Yeah, sure.

Hey, hey, watch it, watch it!

- OK, let's open her up. - Easy. Oh, no.

It's OK. It's OK. We can... We can get through this.

Let's just breath through our mouths and think of daisies.

Roy? Roy! Roy, don't leave me alone here with this!

Don't you point that thing at me.

Gotcha.

You sure you don't want this?

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

Do you mind? I'm trying to study.

♪ La-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la! ♪

Now, if I can make a viewing suggestion,

there's a game of football coming up.

I wanna see The Little Underwater Girl.

But, sweetheart, we've watched that tape a hundred times.

I wanna see The Little Underwater Girl!

- ♪ Under the water ♪ - ♪ H2O ♪

- ♪ Under the water ♪ - ♪ You've got to go ♪

♪ Every son and daughter Really ought to live under the water ♪

Again!

♪ Under the water ♪

♪ Under the water ♪

♪ Every son and daughter ♪

♪ Really ought to Live under the water ♪

Bloop! Bloop!

- My ball! - No, it's yarn.

I'm knitting a nice new sweater for your sister.

My ball!

- No, I need it to... - My ball!

I'm trying to explain to you...

My ball!

Yes! I don't know what I was thinking. It is your ball.

Don't want it.

So, there you have it.

Everything you need to begin your lucrative new career in paleontology.

Simply call the number on your screen and say,

"Yes, I too want to join the ranks

of the world's most elite corps of jet-setting scientists,

for only three low payments of $29.95."

Our operators are standing by.

Hello? Is this the network?

Yeah, I want to talk to somebody about changing all your programming right now.

And don't try to give me the runaround

'cause I won't take "no" for an answer.

Yeah, I'll hold.

Hi, I'm Julie, and I'm ready to take your call

to order the Famous Paleontologists' Home Study Course.

Thank you, Julie. And thank you for joining us.

This is Sir David Tushingham,

for the Famous Paleontologists' Home Study Course.

Good night and good digging.

We're off!

I think it went awfully well.

Oh, I thought so too, really well.

So... off to my place for a bit of fun?

OK.