Original subtitles

- I'll raise you a buck. - Hmm.

I'll see you,

and I'll raise you a suck toy.

Ah. Must have a pretty good hand.

- Maybe. - I know you.

Whenever you squinch up your nose like that, you're bluffing.

I'm not bluffing, I'm pooping.

And I thought my hand stunk.

Mom, Dad, guess what's happening on Saturday night.

Just a minute, sweetheart.

Mother, I don't think teaching the baby how to play poker

- is such a good thing. - Oh, lighten up, Fran.

He's just a kid. He doesn't know what he's doing.

OK, my deal. Five card draw,

Jacks or better to open, trips to win.

Did you hear that? He's a genius.

- Earl, don't encourage him. - Uh, excuse me.

But there's gonna be a big talent show at school this Saturday night.

I'm sorry, what's happening Saturday?

I'll tell you what's happening.

I am taking this little pink shark to my poker game.

Talent like this is a rare and divine gift,

and we're gonna milk it like a Guernsey.

Well, interestingly enough, the baby isn't the only one with talent.

- Everyone's gonna find out Saturday. - What are you gonna do, honey?

- Well, since you asked, I'm... - So...

You guys ready for some outrageous news?

Well, if you don't mind,

we are discussing my life here.

Sounds fascinating.

So, guess who won first place

for writing the best essay for the school journal.

- Oh, my! - But, but, I...

"For excellence in scholastic achievement."

Yeah, so what'd you win? Some idiotic scholarship?

- Nah... - Mom, Dad, um,

the talent show, remember?

- Ta-da! - Whoa! Meat! You won meat!

- Wow. - Meat?

I'm so proud!

Yeah, it was sponsored by the butchers' association.

A thousand words on the theme, "Meat: Freedom's entrée".

- Oh, Robbie, this is so wonderful. - Yeah, but...

- We should celebrate. - And what better way

than to take this impressive trophy and toss it on the grill.

Doesn't anyone care what I have to say?

You didn't by chance happen to win any onions, did you?

- Oh, Dad. - Apparently not.

Look, Mama, I drew to an inside straight.

Baby's first straight.

Fran, get the camera.

Bye.

Well, I can do lots of things.

Come on, Char, this is your best friend you're talking to.

Oh. OK. I could, uh...

I could coordinate a fall wardrobe.

Eh... Oh, who am I kidding?

I should just run away and join a circus.

No, I think they require talent too.

Yeah.

Gee, Charlene, you don't have to cry about it.

That's not me. I'm not crying.

- Well, someone is. - Hey.

Hey, listen. It's coming from over there.

Oh.

Mindy, it's... It's a caveling.

Oh...

Honey, I'm home.

Aaah!

- Ohh! - Ow!

- Ow! - Ooh!

Aah!

Now... Now, now easy, fella.

It's OK. No, I'm not gonna hurt you.

I just wanna help, OK?

Nice and easy.

There we go.

Ah, there you go. You're free. Now...

Go on. Shoo.

Ha.

Oh, look! There's more of them.

Shoo.

No, no. You don't get it. You know, leave.

Wow. Ha! Look, Mindy, they follow every move I make.

Great. You can teach an aerobics class. Can we go, please?

I bet I could teach them a lot of cool tricks.

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

You know, this could be my act for the school talent show.

Charlene, they're just dumb humans.

For the talent show, you gotta be good.

You can't just get up there and do anything.

Thank you, Spike, for showing us all how to hotwire a car.

It was informative and felonious.

Don't mention it.

Hmm.

Next up is, uh... Robert Sinclair,

with a folk/left wing/

environmentally correct love song.

Oh, dear.

- Wish me luck. - Good luck.

♪ Like acid rain... ♪ Ow! Hey.

Come on. Ow!

♪ ...in my heart... ♪ Oh! Hey, come on.

Oh, it's a tough crowd. You might as well hang it up right now.

Hey, just because you didn't win doesn't mean the night is over.

Well, the night's over. Robbie didn't win. Let's head home.

What about me? I mean, I haven't even gone on yet.

She's right, Earl. We should stay and watch Charlene's act.

A bunch of smelly humans standing on one foot, scratching their butts?

Yeah, that's a real crowd-pleaser.

And now, Charlene Sinclair and her interesting little bipeds.

I hope they've had their shots.

Hi.

And up.

Whee.

Jump. Hup!

And up.

Yeah.

Oh.

And... up.

Up.

And over.

Hey. Ta-da!

Wow!

Good.

Hey!

Hey! Ha ha!

And the winner is... Charlene Sinclair.

Yeah!

Thank you. Shoo. Shoo. Come on, let's go.

- Very good. - Thank you.

Sweetheart, you were wonderful!

I won! Can you believe it? I won!

I had no idea you were so talented.

You are my new favorite child.

- Daddy! - What? Hey, what about me?

Now, Robbie. Charlene's success doesn't take anything away from you.

How would you like Robbie's room? It's bigger.

Hey, I don't see what everybody's making such a big deal about.

The humans did all the work.

She just stood there with a stick, saying "hup".

- Where's that girl with the stick? - Me?

There she is! Kid, I know talent, and believe me, you got it.

- Yeah? - I love the way you say "hup."

Go ahead. Say it.

- Hup. - Oh, fabulous! I love it!

- Makes me wanna jump. - Who are you?

Hank Hilber, booking agent extraordinaire.

- Oh, wow. - Oh.

Little lady, you and I have a lot to talk about.

Another... A pair of teeth, Mr. Hilber?

Thanks. I gotta tell you,

your little girl here has a one-of-a-kind act.

And there's no reason Charlene and her amazing humans

- can't go straight to the top. - Oh.

- You mean? - That's right. The state fair.

- Ha ha! - Wow!

"Charlene and her amazing humans."

I like it.

Excuse me, but I fail to see what's so special about

a bunch of dirty forest animals jumping all over each other.

♪ Somebody's jealous ♪

- I am not. - Yes, you are.

- Look, you're green. - I'm always green.

- Yeah. - So, what do you say, Charlene?

- The fair's tomorrow. - Well, uh...

Well, you see, Mr. Hilber, the cavelings are kind of tired,

and I was gonna let 'em rest tomorrow.

A state fair.

I haven't been to one of those in years.

- Ah. - Cotton candy, hot rat on a stick,

porta-potties. I'm in heaven.

Well...

I guess, uh, a little more exercise wouldn't hurt them.

OK. I'll do it.

That a girl.

Yeah. Ah...

Look, I know you're tired, and I know I promised you could play today,

but we've got this fair thing.

So, guys, we'll just do one more show. OK?

OK.

What do you mean, "we"? We're doing all the work, fatso!

- Ha! - What?

Do you know what your problem is?

You are so incredibly jealous

that Mom and Dad are finally noticing me that you can't stand it.

Ooh. Charlene and her amazing ego.

Well, listen, quill brain,

what I do requires an incredible amount of work.

- Oh, right. I forgot, "hup, hup, hup." - Hey, what about...

Huh? Hey.

Do you think...?

- I bet that's their mother. - Um, well, how do you know?

I mean, the woods are crawling with cave people.

She could be anybody.

Charlene, it's showtime.

So, is my talented daughter ready to go to the fair?

Those lines for the porta-potties aren't getting any shorter.

Uh...

Mmm?

I'm ready, Daddy.

Good.

- Come on. Here we go. - ♪ We'll be so rich... ♪

You can stare all you want, you're not getting any beer.

You're thirsty? Go hit the toilet.

Hey! Wha...? Oh, jeez.

Hey, you know...

for a filthy, disgusting, godforsaken creature,

you're pretty cute.

Oh. OK, now you're shedding.

Cute only buys so much. Go on, scram.

Listen, kid, stop beating yourself up.

You were terrific yesterday at the fair.

Yeah, but I only came in second place.

Hey, who knew someone would bring in a two-headed goat that sings?

I'm still convinced that left head was lip-synching.

Yeah. Hmm. What do you think, Daddy?

Hmm? Well, I gotta go with the judges.

I've seen your act twice now, and quite frankly, honey...

- It's startin' to get a little old. - Oh.

Say, Hank, do you know if that goat's got an album out?

Daddy.

- See, kid? That's your public. - Yeah?

You gotta spice up the act. Give the audience what they want.

- Thrills. Excitement. - Multiple heads.

Now, you've got your cavelings jumping through hoops already.

So, I'm thinking...

Set the hoops on fire.

Ooh. Fire. Nifty.

- Fire? - Listen to your audience, Charlene.

- Yeah. But, couldn't they get burned? - Aha!

That's the question the audience will ask.

Hey, couldn't they get burned?

See? They're on the edge of their seats.

Well, I don't know.

I mean, training them to do a trick like that,

it's gonna take an awful lot of cookies.

Well, that's your problem. You're feeding them.

- Try not feeding them. - Huh?

You'll be amazed the tricks they'll do for a cookie,

if they're hungry.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Come on, come on, come on!

Ah...

Uh-uh. My banana.

No way! Mama!

- What? - They want my banana!

Well, don't give them any, sweetheart.

Charlene said they shouldn't eat, they're in training.

No food?

No food.

That stinks.

Hmm.

Shh. Quiet.

Go for it!

Share it. Share it.

Aw...

Wow. Jeez. You guys act like you haven't eaten in days.

Doesn't anybody ever feed you?

Me. Banana.

Oh. Well, we'll see about that.

Oh. Yeah.

Here you go.

What do you think you're doing?

Well, they were hungry. I was giving them something to eat.

- If that's OK with you. - Yeah.

No, it's not OK with me.

If you understood anything about training animals,

you'd know you have to withhold food to get them to perform.

You're starving them so they'll do stupid tricks?

- That's the worst thing I've heard of! - Why don't you just say it?

You're still jealous 'cause I'm getting all the attention.

I'll admit I was a little jealous before.

This is getting out of hand. These cavelings are not your toys.

They're hungry and unhappy. They should be with their mother,

not jumping through fire so you can look like a star.

Yeah! Uh-oh.

Well, it shows how much you know.

This has nothing to do with being a star.

I'm Mortie Troutman, and it's time to "Leap To The Stars"

Thank you. Thank you very much. Nice to be here, folks.

Oh, and boy, have we got an exciting show for you!

We've got a 71-year-old belly dancer...

Boy, have I got butterflies in my stomach!

Me too. I've never had an act that went this far before.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.

Let's see what lucky talent is ready to "Leap To The Stars"!

Our first act is...

Charlene and her amazing humans.

And... up!

Yeah.

Ah!

And, ah!

And, yep!

Ahh!

Not very good.

I wanna see the puppet show.

And... ready?

And... Hup!

Yeah! Ta-da!

Hee hee.

- Seen it. - Not impressed.

Uh, uh... Oh. Uh...

I don't understand.

You said the fire trick would knock their socks off.

You're gonna have to do... the ladder trick.

Oh. The ladder trick? But, I...

- I don't wanna make them... - Come on, kid.

Your parents are watching. You want to impress them or not?

Well... Yeah. I...

For our last trick, we will be performing a very dangerous stunt

that has never been done before.

Here, on this stage, a human being

will climb to the top of this 50-foot ladder,

and dive into this plastic kiddie pool

filled with... very little water.

OK. Here we go.

And... up!

Yeah. Ha ha.

Come on, up.

Um...

What?

Why did she stop? She stopped.

Ooh.

And up!

Go up!

Go on up!

Please! Please! This is a very difficult trick.

It requires a high degree of concentration.

Please, show the performer some respect.

- Take off your top! - What? Oh...

Uh, uh...

Look, look, I promise it's the last trick I'll ever make you do.

Uh, I'll give you a cookie as soon as you're done.

I'll give you ten cookies. Please, just get up there!

Please?

Kiddo, here, use this.

- Here. - What is it?

- A cattle prod. - Huh?

Oh.

Just give the fur ball a little zap in the tush,

that'll make 'em leap for the stars.

But... But I don't want to hurt it.

Oh, they're humans. They have no feelings.

Now, zap her and get on with it.

I'm sorry. I can't.

Well, if you won't, I will.

No, no, no. You stop! You leave it alone.

Look, kid, you wanna succeed in show business, it takes sacrifice.

Not necessarily your sacrifice, it could be theirs.

Somebody's gotta suffer.

Well, I just can't.

Oh, great! This is the thanks I get.

I was dedicated to you, kid. You, and only you.

Oh, I'll never get over this.

Mortie, have I showed you this kid I got?

Bites the heads off chickens. I know what you're thinkin'...

Yeah, yeah.

Please, please. Look...

I know that you think I'm a quitter,

and maybe I am.

But nothing can justify hurting another living thing.

Not fame, not fortune.

Not even a chance to be someone special in your own family.

Earl, I think we've done something wrong here.

I agree.

- Back to the ballgame. - Earl!

I know you all came here tonight to have a good time.

But stop for a moment, and ask yourself this question.

Are you willing to trade the pain

and suffering of these, your fellow creatures,

for a few fleeting moments of cheap, unethical entertainment?

- Yes! - Well, I'm not!

Oh!

- Boo! Get 'em off! - It's all right.

We want the goat! We want the goat!

We want the goat!

There we go. Come on out.

That's it.

Well, guys, this is it.

It's the end of the road. I'm letting you go.

But I just want you to know, I'm sorry.

Do you understand? I'm sorry.

Oh. Oh, no. No.

You don't understand, no.

No, no, you don't have to do tricks anymore.

I guess you taught 'em pretty well.

- Look, I'm trying to let them go, OK. - Oh, yeah, I know.

I saw what you said on TV. That took guts.

- Oh, thanks for noticing. - Yeah.

Well, now that I'm setting my act free,

no one's ever gonna notice me again.

I can go back to my old act.

Charlene, the amazing, invisible middle child.

Charlene, you're not invisible.

- Well, it sure seems that way? - Is that what you thought?

That you needed to put on a big show

to get your father and me to notice you?

Uh-huh.

- What? - Oh!

Oh! Um...

Sweetheart, you don't need to put on a big show just to get me to love you.

- No? - No, a little revue would be plenty.

- Oh... - What your father is trying to say is

that sometimes it's hard when you have three children

to give each of them the attention and love they deserve.

- Yeah. - But we'll try harder.

- Huh? - What?

Hey, look, they found their mom.

Or their dad. How can you tell?

You watch out for traps, OK?

Yeah. That's right. Shoo.

- Bye. - Bye.

- You did the right thing. - Yeah?

They're back among their own kind now, where they belong.

- Yeah. - Safe in the wilderness

where no one can ever find them.

No one can ever hurt them.

Now, in exchange for my theatrical representation of your children,

I will, of course, require 40...

Eh, 50 percent of all gross earnings.

This will cover all public performances, theme park appearances,

mini-series and boat shows, you understand?

Good.

Now, let's get into merchandising.

Should any of your children be made into a plush toy, action figure...