Original subtitles

Oh, Caroline...

Caroline...

I've never done the mating dance before,

but I always dreamed it would be with you.

Dreams do come true, sweetheart.

Dreams do come true.

Caroline?

Oh, wow, what a dream.

Uh, what's going on?

Hey, relax, Scooter.

It was bound to happen sooner or later.

- What? - It was a mating dance dream, Sinclair.

Just your body's way of telling you you're ready.

Ready for what?

The big one. Bada bing, bada boom.

Listen, promise me you're not gonna tell anybody.

You've reached a sensitive stage in your adolescent development.

Nature's drums are pounding out a beat you cannot ignore.

Yeah, maybe I can't do anything about my dreams,

but I can keep control of myself while I'm awake.

- Good luck, Scooter. - Hi.

- Hi, Robbie. - Caroline.

Uh, hello.

That lab report was really tough, don't you think?

Oh, the lab? Well, uh,

no, I didn't have any problems, but, uh...

Robbie, what are you doing?

What? Oh, nothing, I just, uh...

Wha... Uh... Whoa!

Look, everybody! Sinclair's doing the mating dance!

What's going on here?

Oh, my goodness! This is terrible.

Somebody call the nurse.

Oh, Robbie. Oh, that's so gross.

- What's going on? - Don't worry, Sinclair.

I don't think anybody noticed.

Honey, I'm home.

Stay tuned, after Father Knows Nothing

for the premiere of Dad's A Big Moron.

And then at 9:00 it's more hijinks

with Simpleton Father

followed by Brain Dead Dad.

This is why TV stinks.

One show's a hit, they make 50 more like it

with the same characters and the same premise.

Don't have a cow, man.

- Hi, Mom. - Hi, Charlene. Hello, Robbie.

Stupid twitching.

I can't believe I can't control that.

Looks like somebody had a bad day.

Well, not me. Today was the best day of my whole life,

and I have Robbie to thank.

It's nice to see you two getting along.

- What did Robbie do for you? - He made a total geek of himself.

He did the mating dance in front of the whole school.

Earl.

Robbie's been doing the mating dance.

Yes, Fran, I've been expecting this for quite some time now.

- Earl, he's just a boy. - Hardly, my dear.

Why, when a young male reaches a certain age,

his body goes through special changes.

He's bound to be frightened, he's bound to be confused.

And as responsible parents there's only one thing to do...

- Ignore it. - Huh?

This must be a difficult time for Robbie.

- I would think he'd want to talk about it. - And you'd be wrong.

The only thing worse than doing the mating dance in front of everybody

is talking about it with your family.

I think he's suffered enough.

Daddy, what's the point of having a brother

with a really embarrassing problem if you can't torment him about it?

Now, we'll have none of that. And that goes for everybody.

We'll have a normal family dinner,

and nobody's gonna talk about... you know what.

- Yeah. - What can't we talk about?

- Well, at school today... - Uh-uh! Don't anybody tell him.

Tell me, tell me, tell me!

Oh, all right. No one can talk about, uh...

spoons.

Spoons!

I said spoons.

Spoons, spoons, spoons!

I think we know who won that little battle of wits.

- Hi, Robbie. - Ooh.

- How are you feeling? - Fine.

La, la. Ooh.

Hi.

- What were you just talking about? - Uh, uh...

- Spoons! - Uh, yes, that's right, son.

We were just discussing flatware.

It's one of a variety of non-threatening topics for dinner conversation.

- Charlene... - Yeah?

Tell us more about that party dress you're interested in.

- What dress? - That's the one.

Well, I did see a really nice dress the other day.

It was on... Caroline Foxworth.

Wha... wha...?

Oh, I don't think I've met her, have I, Charlene?

Oh, you wouldn't forget her, Mom.

She's the girl with the really shapely tail.

Charlene, I think there are other topics we can discuss.

Fran, where did you buy these delightful napkins?

You know, I think her tail has really filled out since seventh grade.

Have you noticed how large it is? I don't know how she sits down.

Whoa! Hello!

Oh, they're so absorbent.

And this lovely floral print compliments any place setting.

Robbie, are you all right?

I'm... I'm... I'm OK.

Everybody, just leave me alone.

Ah, aah!

Another emotional minefield successfully navigated.

Earl, that was awful.

Charlene, take your little brother upstairs right now.

- Oh. - What you gonna talk about?

Spoons.

- Ooh. - Come on, come on.

- Spoons. - You're heavy.

Earl, someone has got to talk to that boy about mating.

No, they don't.

Then how is he going to learn about it?

I don't know, he just will.

Somewhere, somehow, every male learns.

It's a complex system involving rumors, adult novelty items and limericks.

- That's ridiculous! - No, it's not.

That's how I learned about mating,

and I'm pretty darn competent in that department,

as I'm sure you will agree.

Right, Fran?

Frannie?

Puddin'?

Someone has got to talk to the boy about mating.

It occurred to me you could teach a class at school about the mating dance.

I assure you, Mrs. Sinclair,

the mating dance is the last thing we should be teaching kids.

This school has always operated under the guiding principle

that if we don't teach it, they won't do it.

- But what if some of them do it anyway? - Let 'em. Nobody can blame us.

How can you be so irresponsible?

I'm not listening!

♪ I'm not listening La la-la la-la-la...

- Mr. Pullman! - What?

A lot of kids are experimenting with the mating dance

without understanding that it's not just a physical act.

There are consequences to what they do,

and maybe the school should help teach them that.

Mrs. Sinclair, this idea of yours is simply impossible.

And even if I agreed with you,

where would we even find somebody willing to discuss

such a filthy topic with our children?

- Good morning, class. - Morning, Mr. Pullman.

Today we are going to learn about something

very sensitive and unsavory... the mating dance.

Oh, this is gonna be rough.

You'll be relieved to learn that all your teachers

were much too respectable and uptight

to involve themselves with such filth.

So we've brought in an outside speaker.

Hi, everybody.

- Huh? - I'm Mrs. Sinclair,

but you can call me Fran...

or Mom.

Now I want to make it clear right from the start

that I am not advocating that you youngsters engage in the mating dance.

Personally, I believe that the mating dance is most appropriate

within the confines of a loving, monogamous relationship,

preferably marriage.

Of course marriage is a few years away for you.

Right now it's very frustrating, as I'm well aware.

Say the word, I'll pull the fire alarm.

In Putting together this class,

I couldn't find any suitable reading material.

However, the school has provided us this instructional film from the navy.

Could someone get the lights?

The Pangaea Department of the Navy presents

an instructional film on naval hygiene: Cankers Aweigh!, or Down Periscope!

Hey, sailor, goin' ashore?

Oh, you betcha, sir. I want to hit one of the local dance halls.

I hear the native girls do the hoochie-coochie somethin' wild.

Come about, swabbie!

Don't you know those waltzing Matildas

can give you a mating dance-related injury?

Nah. That would never happen to me.

That would happen to the other guy.

That's where you're wrong, sailor.

Mating dance-related injuries have reached epidemic proportions.

You could be next.

This is valuable information. Tell me more.

Well, we all know the mating dance is most appropriate

within the confines of a loving, monogamous relationship,

preferably marriage. But if you are going to dance with a stranger,

- always use protective footwear. - Aw, come on, captain!

I don't have to worry. Nothing's gonna happen to me.

Heh, that's what Ensign Doyle thought.

- Who? - Hey, Doyle, come here and show this fella

what a mating dance-related injury looks like if left untreated.

Oh, dear. I had no idea it was that kind of film.

I hoped it gave more information about the mating dance itself.

Well, I guess that's up to me.

All right, here it is.

She's gonna show us the whole thing.

Bada bing!

Now, this is the physical act itself,

but more important are the feelings

that are such an essential part of the mating experience.

Each of you has very deep and personal thoughts

that you may be confused about,

and it may help to talk about them right here in class.

Now, who wants to begin?

No.

Let's start with...

No!

Earl, you wouldn't believe how bright the kids

in Robbie's class are.

They asked so many interesting questions.

Although, Robbie, you were rather quiet.

Was it embarrassing for you to have me teaching the class?

A little, yeah.

Now that you mention it, today was probably

the single most excruciatingly painful, humiliating day

I will ever experience for the rest of my life!

But wait! You're coming back tomorrow!

Ha! Just show up every day.

Earl, what are you laughing at?

Fran, dear,

I want to try to be big about this.

You thought we should bring Robbie's problem out in the open.

I said we should leave it buried where it could do no harm.

Now let's consider for a moment

who might be incredibly right

and who might be wrong, wrong, wrong.

Don't you dare get smug with me at a time like this!

Smug? Moi?

I wonder if I should go and talk to him.

Fran, hon, see if you can follow this.

Talking: bad.

Not talking: not bad.

And to ensure we do no further damage as parents,

I suggest we sit right here

and watch some good, non-confrontational domestic comedy.

Yeah.

And now, back to Totally Ineffectual Dad.

Aah!

Honey, I'm concerned about Eddie.

He seems to be on fire. Shouldn't we talk to him?

I don't know, sweetheart. What if I say the wrong thing?

I gotta stop thinking about this stuff.

I... I gotta clear my mind.

Hello, and welcome to the 12th Annual Southern Pangaea Flower Show

and Wet T-shirt Contest! We've got lots...

Girls, girls, girls!

Hi, I'm Mandy.

I love to do the mating dance, but I'm all alone.

Why don't you call me

and we can do the mating dance together,

discretely, over the phone.

And we can dance, dance, dance all night.

Mom!

Oh, there's nothing to be embarrassed about.

It's perfectly natural what, um, what, uh, you're doing.

And she walks in right then. It was awful.

- Ouch. - Well, that's it.

I'm never going home again.

From now on I'll just live here at school.

Ah. You've obviously thought this out carefully.

Mmm, but if I might inject a moment of reality...

- What? - It won't help.

There are hormonal pressures of a frightening magnitude

welling up inside of you.

You try to ignore them, your feet could explode.

What am I supposed to do?

Well, you got a choice.

You can either wait a few years till you find the right girl,

win her heart, forge a loving, sacred bond

that'll last a lifetime,

or you can cha-cha tonight for a dollar a dance.

It's been hours and we don't even know where he is.

I've never seen him so angry. He's never spoken to me that way.

That's because you spoke to him.

You speak, you get spoken to.

The only reason he's out there at all

is because you didn't do your job as a father.

There are some things a boy can't discuss with his mother.

He needed you, and you let him down.

Huh?

Oh.

Jeez.

Huh?

- Mom, Dad, help! - Oh, honey,

Eddie tried to put out the fire himself by jumping in the river.

See? It's best we don't interfere with these matters.

But he doesn't know how to swim. You never taught him.

Let him learn to swim the way I did, in the street.

Tune in next week for the hilarious funeral episode

on Totally Ineffectual Dad.

Fran?

I'm just going out for a little walk.

So, sailor, you interested in a mating dance?

Well, sure. Heh. What'll four dollars buy me?

- That'll get you a tango. - Ooh!

- But I don't dip. - Oh.

Are you sure we should be doing this?

Hey, Scooter, there is nothing wrong

with taking one of life's most personal and intimate experiences

and putting a cash value on it.

And that's what separates us from the animals.

Fine, fine.

I just want to get this over with.

I don't want to be led around by my feet the rest of my life.

Come on. Boys.

Hi, boys.

- Uh, hello, ladies. - Hi.

Hey, hey, I want you to meet a very good friend of mine...

Uh, Jones. Robbie Jones, uh, from out of town.

I don't even live around here. I'm from... far away.

We don't even have a phone.

Well, hey, sweet pea, you come with me.

Mama's gonna help you break in those new shoes.

Spike, help!

Good luck, Mr. Jones.

Don't trip on your laces.

So, uh, gee, I didn't even know about this place.

- Uh, has it been here long? - Well, actually, it just opened.

This is the world's youngest profession.

So, what do you have in mind, sweetness?

We can do you a nice foxtrot or twirl you around the room.

Um, gee, I don't know. Whatever you think.

Uh, I guess I'll have the usual.

Why, bless your heart.

This is your first dance, isn't it, darling?

Hey, no, wait, I do this a lot...

Now don't worry, honey. We'll take it nice and slow.

- OK. Oof! - I'll lead. Stay with me, sweetheart.

You know the steps. And front together

- and side together... - I don't know what I'm doing!

Relax, honey. Enjoy yourself.

You young boys dance too fast. And front together...

No, no, I can't! I can't do this!

Sorry if I've wasted your time.

Look, this just doesn't feel right.

Well, I never thought about it before.

Maybe you got a point.

Um, the mating dance is most appropriate

within the confines of a loving, monogamous relationship,

- preferably marriage. - I'm really sorry.

Oh, no, no. You've given me something to think about.

Number 34!

Robbie.

Dad.

Uh, what are you doing here?

I came to talk with you, father to son.

How'd you know where I was?

Oh, please, give your old man a little credit.

Ahh!

Look, I just want you to know that you're not alone,

and I want to share the wisdom and experience

I've gained over many years about the mating dance.

At this point I could use some advice.

All right.

I once saw this film in the navy...

Seen it.

- Oh. Did it help? - No.

No, me neither.

Boy, life was easier in the old days.

By the time your son got to the age where he asked difficult questions

you were dead, mercifully killed by something bigger than you.

What happened to their sons?

Didn't much matter. They'd be dead soon too.

Boy, those were the days.

But... But what am I supposed to do today, Dad?

I keep wanting to dance but everybody tells me I'm not supposed to.

That's because modern society has determined

- there's a proper time and place... - I know, I know.

The mating dance is most appropriate within the confines

of a loving monogamous relationship, preferably marriage.

Yep. Sometimes not even then.

The whole thing's pretty confusing, son.

That's why I wasn't real enthusiastic about talking with you.

Don't tell your mom, but I'm not sure I have all the answers either.

That's all right, Dad. It's just good to know I'm not alone.

Look, you're dancing because your body is ready for something

your mind's not ready to handle yet,

- and won't be for a good many years. - Years?

So what do I do in the meantime?

In a word... sports.

Get a ball, a racket, some pads,

and run around the track till you're so exhausted

you can't possibly think of anything else.

Believe me, it works.

Now come on, son, let's go home.

OK. Oh, Dad, I was wondering,

do females go through the same things we do?

Well, now, your mother's a bit more knowledgeable in that area,

and I know she'd like to talk with you.

- Yeah, OK. - 'Cause I know you and your mom had a little run-in,

but she's pretty smart and can give you some good tips.

- And if she does... - Yeah?

Pass 'em along to me.

Come on, Dad.