Original subtitles

- Package for Mr. Litvac. - Thanks.

- Yay! - Honey, I'm...

D'oh! Jeez.

Home, back from another soul-sucking day at work.

Jeez.

Gimme juice! Now!

- Hey, I'm not your slave. - Aw.

Where is Fran, anyway? It's dinnertime.

Dad, we need to talk to you.

- It's about Mom. - And it's serious.

Did something happen to her?

Something that would get in the way of my being fed?

No. I think she's having some sort of an emotional crisis.

- Yeah. - So...

She hasn't even started dinner yet?

She's moping around.

- I think she's real unhappy. - Yeah.

I'm unhappy. It's part of being a parent, the large part.

No, she says she can't talk to you about her problems

because you always belittle them.

Her silly little problems?

Dad, something's definitely wrong.

I think Mom just doesn't like being a mom anymore.

Look, we all have our rough days, our little rough patches,

but believe me, your mother gets a lot of satisfaction

in her role as wife and mother.

I hate my life. I hate my life.

I hate my life. I hate my life.

Of course, some days are more satisfying than others.

And today in sports action...

Desmond, I'm pregnant.

I'm cleaning my oven.

We pass the savings to you.

With the help of the Lord...

Fran, you're getting pretty good at that thing.

Uh...

Something's bothering you, isn't it, dear?

I can't take it anymore, Earl.

I love our kids, but every day all I do is fix their meals,

drive them here, pick them up there, do their laundry, clean their rooms...

Hey, hey, hey. I understand.

You're feeling cut off.

You just need to connect with the outside world.

- Yes. - Yeah.

You're longing for the sound of adult voices.

- Yes! - Yeah.

You need a radio in the laundry room.

Sure, a little music while you wash my clothes.

Wouldn't that make all the difference in the world?

A radio in the laundry room? You think that's what I want?!

Not anymore.

Earl, I need a job!

But, Frannie, you've got a job right here.

Well, I quit!

Honey, I'm home.

Aaah!

- Ohh! - Ow!

- Ow! - Ooh!

Aah!

- OK, that's lunch! - All right.

Oh, so Fran wants a job? What kind of job?

Oh, she went for an interview with this social services clinic

that helps amphibians adjust back to their new life on land.

Ahh.

It's a halfway house.

Gee, if they really wanna help,

shouldn't they give 'em a whole house?

Ahh. Well, doesn't sound like they thought it through to me.

The worst part about it is it's a volunteer job. She doesn't make a dime.

Oh, I just don't get this at all.

She says it's not about money, it's about personal fulfillment.

A-ha! She's never had a job before, has she?

Hey, guys, what's up?

Earl's wife is up for a job at half of a house

and it doesn't pay anything.

Interesting concept. Why don't you get her to hold out for next to nothing?

- Yeah, I got that one. - Hey...

Guys, I got a real problem here.

If I don't let Fran take this job she's gonna make my life miserable.

If she does take it, then I'll have to hire somebody to look after the baby.

And that's gonna cost me.

You'll have to spring for a babysitter.

Are you completely nuts?!

Do you realize it would take all the money I use on beer, bowling

and pay-per-view wrestling just to give Fran a more fulfilling life?

I don't know what I was thinking.

Wait a minute.

I've got your solution.

If you took the night shift here

then you could be home during the day with the kids.

What?

Oh, boy, that's good. Me spend all day with the kids!

I'm serious.

You're out of your mind.

Yeah, out of my mind like a fox. Don't you see?

After one week away from her precious children,

Fran will miss them so much

she'll drop that job and come running home.

Oh. But wait, so I'm just pretending to be supportive,

when in fact I'm manipulating Fran in the most cynical way possible?

Yeah.

I like it.

Here, honey, I got your lunch all packed.

Better get going. You don't wanna be late for your first day in fish land.

Now, here's a list of everything that needs doing.

I wrote my work number down on top if you have any questions.

There's only one question on my mind.

Is Fran happy?

Earl, you're being so sweet. It's making it hard for me to leave.

- Mama? - Hmm?

- Where you going? - To my new job.

Now, we talked about this, remember?

Mommy needs time outside the house

so she can be a better mommy inside the house.

What's in it for me?

You get to spend the whole day with your daddy.

What's in it for me?

Uh... Well, when I get home we'll spend the whole evening together.

We'll have lots to talk about.

Talk is cheap! Bring me a toy!

Oh, you sweet thing. I'm gonna miss you so much.

- Oh, yes! - Aww.

You have a great day. I'll be back at six.

Fran, don't you worry about a thing. I've got it all under control.

Earl... Bye.

Bye.

OK, nap time.

I'm not tired!

Who's talking about you?

If I work the night shift tonight I'll need some shuteye.

I'm hungry! Give me breakfast!

All right, you want breakfast? Here's your breakfast.

Gotta be some vitamins in that. Make it last.

Olives?

Uh, now, Dad, since you're Mom now,

you've gotta pick up my cheerleading uniform from the dry cleaner.

Of course I do.

It's really important.

To you. It's important to you.

But, funny enough, to me, it holds almost no interest.

Oh. Hey, Dad, listen.

Don't forget the junior class bake sale tomorrow.

Uh, you're supposed to make six-dozen marshmallow fudge squares.

Um, I'll tell you what, son.

Why don't you just add that to the list your mother gave me...

and after school, you can do these things.

Oh, and do 'em quietly, 'cause I'll be sleeping.

He's better at this than I thought he'd be.

Yeah.

Can I have more chocolate cake, please, Mommy?

- A big one. A big one. - Hey, Dad, um...

- Bigger. Bigger... - Wake up.

- Dad! Hey, it's almost dinner time. - Wha...?

Oh. Right. Uh...

Did you get all those things taken care of?

- No. - Why not?!

I lost the list.

Oh! How could you be so irresponsible?

- I'm a teenager. - Oh, jeez. You're right.

Um... OK, what time is it?

- Um... 5:30. - What?!

Oh, boy. Uh... All right, well, if we, uh...

split the things on the list, we should get everything done.

- What do you say? - Uh... Good luck, Dad.

Wha...?

Ooh.

Oh! Oh...

Dinner's coming right up.

Honey, I'm home.

Oh, welcome home, Frannie.

Oh, what a wonderful day it was here at the Sinclair house.

A day full of adorable kids doing memorable,

unforgettable things they've never done before

that I'll remember for the rest of my life,

but... you missed.

Oh, and I bet you were the most adorable.

I missed you.

- These aren't for you. - No kidding.

How'd he get these?

Oh, another delightful moment that, tragically, you were absent for.

But enough about this happy household.

How was your day at work, away from your wonderful children?

Earl, the staff at the clinic are just terrific.

- Ah... - They really seem to like me.

And ever since low tide, they've just been swamped with patients.

- So guess what. - You wanna come back home.

No.

They've asked me to stay on full time.

They think they're going to need me for at least six months.

Jeez! Six... months?!

Maybe more. I have to tell the kids.

Robbie! Charlene! Great news!

Six months! With you?!

Six months... with you?

Now, I know it's a little awkward your first time.

But don't be nervous. Just tell everyone your name.

Uh... Hi, I'm Tad.

Hello, Tad.

Hi. And I've been on land for th-th-th-three days.

Oh.

- And how's it going so far? - Oh, it's been rough.

All I can think about is...

getting back into that cool, wet water.

- Tad. Tad, remember our motto. - What?

- "One breath at a time." - Oh, I can't.

Now you told me you had a job interview.

- Oh, yeah. - How'd that go?

Job? All I can do is crawl on my belly and wriggle under rocks.

What does that qualify me for?

Sounds to me like you'd make a pretty good lawyer.

- Yeah, take the bar exam. - Yeah, go for it.

Remember, Tad, you've got to slither before you can crawl.

Well, that's about all the time we have for today.

But before we close, let's all join together

and share in the strength of our commitment.

- Oh, all right. - Good idea.

Oh, grant me the serenity

to accept water only as a beverage,

and the courage to breathe the air around me,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

"Take the night shift," you said.

"She'll miss the kids and be home in a week," you said.

Well, what do you say now, smart guy?

Ah, save your pathetic excuses.

You ruined my life!

Well, cutting off my air supply isn't gonna solve anything.

Oh, no? How about if I hit you with a stick?

Uh, then I guess I have to go with cutting off the air supply.

Oh, Roy.

If I have to stay home much longer with the kids,

I'll end up having a full-scale relationship with them.

I've spent almost 20 years avoiding that.

That's it!

That's exactly what you gotta do.

- What? - You get the kids to bond with you.

Hey, hey, hey. If I wanted to bond with my kids, I'd be a mother.

- Ah. - I'm a father.

It's my job to remain remote and distant at all times.

What you're saying goes against nature.

That's the point.

If Fran sees the kids getting closer to you, she's gonna get jealous.

No mother'd just sit by and let a father replace her.

Her mommy hormones are gonna kick in and she'll come running home.

Oh, I don't know.

- It sounds good... - Yeah.

But your last plan was a complete disaster.

Exactly.

What are the odds of me coming up with two complete disasters in a row?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Um, son.

- Yeah, I'll go somewhere else. - Uh, no, no. No, no.

Um... You know, I was just thinking...

When was the last time I sat down and listened to my son play his guitar?

Never.

That long.

Well, I guess you've learned a few new songs since then.

How about playing one for your old dad?

Uh, OK. OK, um...

- Oh, is this your little ampli-thingy? - Yeah. Yeah.

Let me listen.

This... This is one I wrote for...

a pretty girl I always liked...

but who never knew I was around...

until I played this song.

♪ Look at me! ♪

♪ Look at me Look at me ♪

♪ Look at me! ♪

♪ Look at me, look at me, look at me Look at me, look at me, look at me ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

♪ Look... at me ♪

Ah. So, what'd you think?

Huh?

Nope, not happy.

Nope, still not happy. Huh.

Something bothering you?

- How'd you know? - Uh, well...

Would it help if you and I had a little heart to heart talk?

Whoa! Whoa, are you all right?

Yeah. I'm sorry. You just caught me by surprise.

- Whoo. Ha. - So, I'm here for you.

Let's rap.

Oh, uh... Ha! Well...

I hope you don't think this is, uh, too trivial, but...

I just bought this new sweater and I don't have anything that goes with it.

That's not... trivial.

But, there may be a way to put together an ensemble,

if... we go through my entire wardrobe.

Gee, I just can't wait.

Now, these earrings go perfect with the sweater.

- But, they don't match the purse. - No.

So, we change the purse. Ha. Then, the earrings don't match.

Problem. So, we turn the purse around,

- And... we wear a scarf. Ha. - Oh.

- Instead of - the earrings? No... - OK,

she's been talking continuously for an hour now,

so she's gotta wear out soon.

Smile like you're paying attention.

- Not chic. Unless we... - That's it. Good. Good.

Eyelids up. Eyelids up! You're starting to lose it.

OK, now nod the head... Nod the head!

- Whoop. - Huh?

Oh... So... Oh, this purse and this scarf.

You know, you're right. Ha! That really is the best bet.

Oh, thanks a lot, Dad!

You've really been a big help. Ha.

What a great conversation. That was neat.

I never knew he was interested in...

- OK, kiddo. It's just you and me. - Yeah.

- What do you wanna do? - TV!

- Oh! Ho, ho. No problemo. - Yay!

If I can make a viewing suggestion,

there's a wonderful game of football coming up.

I wanna see The Little Underwater Girl.

But, sweetheart, we've watched that tape a hundred times.

I wanna see The Little Underwater Girl!

- OK. If it's what you want... - Yeah.

Then it's what I want.

Yay!

- ♪ Under the water ♪ - ♪ H2O ♪

- ♪ Under the water ♪ - ♪ You've got to go ♪

♪ Every son and daughter Really ought to live under the water ♪

Again!

♪ Under the water ♪

♪ Under the water ♪

♪ Every son and daughter ♪

- ♪ Really ought to Live under the water ♪ - Bloop, bloop.

♪ Under the water ♪ Oh, yeah!

♪ Under the water ♪

♪ Every son and daughter Really ought to live under... ♪

Dad!

- ♪ Under the water! ♪ - Whoa. Hey, it's dinner time.

Oh, jeez! Your mother's gonna be back any minute.

- I better get these potatoes on. - Oh, don't worry, Dad.

I already cooked dinner and Robbie set the table.

And I didn't bother anybody for a whole hour.

- Really? - Dad,

we all saw how hard you worked today

and we wanted to do something special for you.

Wow! That's great! How about that?

There's all this cooperation, all this caring.

We're like a cooperating, caring unit of some kind.

- Like a family? - Yeah, like on TV.

Yeah.

Hey, look at these potatoes. Well done, Charlene.

- Oh, thanks. - Here we go.

- Ready for dinner? - Pass that to Robbie.

That's for you, sweetheart.

- Smells good. - There you go.

- Mama! - Huh?

Mom, what's wrong?

Kids, eat your dinner. Your mother and I have to talk.

It's all right, dear.

I know that what you just saw in there had to be a shock to you.

I didn't mean to become the exclusive object of their adoration, but,

- well, there you have it. - Oh, Earl.

I never thought I'd see you and the kids so...

- so together. - Yeah, mmm.

It's the most wonderful thing I've ever seen.

Huh?

I thought going to work would be difficult for the kids,

but you've more than picked up the slack.

Now I can go to work and not even worry.

Well, worry, Fran. I've taken your children's love from you.

And now you wanna quit your job, come home, and win 'em back.

Earl, it's beginning to sound a little like you don't want me to have this job.

Bingo!

Jeez. The only reason I let you take this job is

I was sure you'd miss the kids and come crying home.

You mean this whole thing was just a scheme?

Roy's scheme. All his idea.

Well, if that was your plan, you can forget it.

I like this job and I intend to keep it.

But... But, Fran, please.

You don't know what this is doing to me.

Working nights and looking after the kids during the day.

Male dinosaurs just aren't cut out for this sort of thing.

It... It's breaking me, Fran.

I... I...

I know it's hard being home.

That's why I needed to get away.

But I like what I'm doing and I don't want to give it up.

Can't we compromise?

Can't you just give up your job and come home forever?

- That's not a compromise. - OK. OK, uh...

You stay at work, but I'll go back to the day shift,

and... we'll hire a babysitter.

- Where do we get the money for that? - Easy.

I'll cut back on my bowling and beer.

And no more pay-per-view wrestling.

There's your money. Take it, all of it.

Please!

You're willing to give up all that?

I'm begging you.

So, your mother and I sat down calmly and rationally,

and worked out a compromise that works for everybody.

- You caved? - You betcha.

- Mama stay home? - No, I'll still be working.

But I won't be gone quite so long from now on.

You gonna stay home?

No, but I'll be back tonight.

Sing Under the Water?

Yeah, we'll sing Under the Water.

Hug.

OK.

Bye, little guy. Be good.

Bye... Daddy.

You called me...

Daddy?

Huh.

Whoa! Unhand that child, pally-boy.

You're not Mr. Mom anymore.

The day shift awaits you.

Bye.

Bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Ah, thanks. - Oh, Mom, listen. You'll like this.

I wrote a new song today.

- You did? - I'll play it for you later.

See there, pally-boy. Did I have Fran pegged or what?

Once you're home with the kids

it's hard to leave 'em.

Ah, the plan worked like a charm.

- Did you hear what he called me? - I'm sure it was a doozy.

But you're out of there now. Come on, let's get back to work.