Original subtitles

- Oh. Hi, Robbie! - Oh. Hey, Caroline.

"Hey, Caroline." Only two words.

And yet in those two simple words you said... nothing.

You just don't appreciate the kind of relationship that Caroline and I share.

- It's a deep and spiritual connection. - Kissed her yet?

OK, you made your point. Help me?

Well, just a thought here.

Perhaps you should try escalating the relationship.

If only there was some opportunity for the two of you to get romantic.

Ah, look.

A dance! Great. It's the perfect romantic setting.

Now, I just have to wait for the right moment to ask her.

Ah, that would be now.

Hmm?

Ah, they grow up so fast.

- Um, hey, Caroline! - Hmm? Oh! Hi, Robbie.

- Hi. Um... - Uh...

Um, listen, um, I, I was thinking about...

certain events coming up.

- Mmm-hmm. - And well, it, it occurred to me that,

- should the idea appeal to you... - Yes?

You might give some thought to possibly considering...

Ohh...

- Yo, babe... - Uh, hi, Dolf.

Uhh...

- Oh, wow. Isn't he amazing? - I beg your pardon?

Oh, look at him. He's like some magnificent living sculpture, you know.

Yeah, he's OK. But I mean...

I can't believe that just came out of my mouth.

Oh, promise you won't tell a soul what I said.

- I'd die if anyone found out. Promise? - Uh, yeah. OK. All right.

Oh, thanks. Oh, I knew I could trust you.

You are a real friend.

Friend, friend, friend, friend...

What the heck was that?

We laughed, we talked, we checked out guys together.

- Pathetic. - No. No, it's good.

It makes me feel special to know that somewhere,

deep in the heart of the one I love, I'm considered one of the girls.

Ahhh...

Honey, I'm home.

Aaah!

- Ohh! - Ow!

- Ow! - Ooh!

Aah!

Boy, that must be some interesting page.

You've only been reading it for an hour.

If I had a problem, and I needed to get perspective

- on the female point of view... - Yeah?

Is it possible that you and I could have an honest exchange?

I'll give you five bucks.

Ah, I'm here for you.

Here it is. What is it that you look for in a guy?

Oh! It's like one of those fashion magazine quizzes?

- Uhh... - Great. OK, let's see.

- He's gotta have dimples. And, um... - OK.

He's gotta look like the star of one of those teenage zip code shows.

You know, with the bulging muscles and cool ripped clothing.

And a hot name like Deke or Zack.

Yeah, those are all surface things.

I mean, what about sensitivity, honesty, integrity?

Integrity. Well, that's kind of neat. But it's not a deal breaker.

But don't girls care about brains?

Yeah. I guess they do if they're pushing 30

and way desperate for a skinny geek who can make a decent living.

Wait a minute!

"Skinny geek." This is about you, isn't it?

No, no...

- Yeah. You're feeling inadequate as a male. - I'm curious. Jeez.

- ♪ Robbie's feeling inadequate as a male ♪ - Charlene, enough!

- All right! OK. You're dead. - Help! Chicken boy is after me!

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll show you chicken boy!

Hey, come back here!

- Hey, I want my five bucks back. - What is going on here?

Robbie's trying to figure out why girls don't go for wimpy eggheads!

That's no reason to fight.

- I mean, isn't the answer obvious? - Hmm?

Earl, not all girls are interested in physical specimens.

Some are looking for boys who share their special interests,

who speak and dress nicely, and who treat them with respect.

You're talking about ugly girls, right?

I, I appreciate the thought, Mom, but the girl of my dreams ignores me

because I don't happen to be a grotesque wall of meat.

- Maybe she's not the girl for you. - My life stinks.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Get over it.

Story of my life.

Earl, can't you be a little more sympathetic?

It seems to me you had a similar experience when you were in school.

Perhaps what you learned back then may be of some help to Robbie now.

Mmm, nope.

I only remember as far back as last night's dinner.

Then remember it well.

It may be the last meal I ever cook for you.

And so you see, Son.

No matter what the species, there is one universal truth

that governs the intimate relationships amongst all living creatures...

Chicks dig big guys.

Thanks for bringing my misery into focus.

Oh, no thanks necessary.

The point is that you, too, could be a big guy.

- Yeah. - I myself was once as scrawny as you.

- I find that hard to believe. - I knew you would.

That's why I brought my high school yearbook.

Here, take a look.

Let's see. Hmm...

Whoop! Here it is.

This is a picture of me in my sophomore year.

- This is you?! - You bet.

"Earl Sinclair. Nicknames: Bean pole, pencil neck,

voted 'most likely to slip through a sewer grate'"?

Yep. I was quite the runt.

But I buckled down, lifted weights, and sweated like a wild boar.

And look at me now.

So, what you're saying, Dad, is with a little perseverance

I can go from a spindly geek to a heaping mass of lard?

- Uh, no offense. - Oh, none taken, chicken boy.

Because between that puny high school lad

and what you see today, there was...

this!

You, you think I could build myself up the way you did?

Of course you can!

Because you have the very same qualities that I had as a lad.

- Yeah? - You have the drive...

- Yeah. - You have determination...

- Yeah! - And you have no social life

- that'll cut into your exercise time. - Yeah. So when do we start?

Uh, not good.

Well, there's no way to go but up.

Thirty-five, 36...

Up, up, up, up. Up, up...

one, 42, 43.

Thirty-two, 33...

sixty-four, 65, 66...

A-ha! What an improvement.

- Very impressive. - Yeah.

- OK. - Ta-da!

Well, go ahead, Dad. Fill it in.

- I did. - Huh?

See. You're a quarter inch bigger.

A quarter inch?

I've been working out for weeks

and all I have to show for it is a quarter inch?

Well, not actually a full quarter inch.

- I rounded it up. - From what?

- From nothing. - Nothing?!

Hey, hey, hey! You can't expect results right away.

It's going to take four or five years.

But you can do it because you've got the unwavering devotion to go the distance!

I quit. Five years, he says. By then Caroline and Dolf will be married

with a house full of baby bodybuilders.

Now, now. Remember, your puniness is but one of the

many endearing qualities that makes you unique.

- Yeah. - You are who you are.

Oh, that's so sweet. I never dreamed I'd hear

the same advice from both you and my mom.

Hey. Besides, guys like Dolf have an unfair advantage.

- What unfair advantage? - Thornoids.

- What are thornoids? - Uh, uh! You don't know?

No. Will they help me? What are they?

Well, interestingly enough, they're something that...

doesn't really exist, and I just made up the word.

Just a little game that I play to amuse myself.

- Uh, see ya. - Uh, hey! Wait a minute!

Hey. Forget it, Scooter. Thornoids aren't for you.

But I just want to know why these other guys are so big.

Now, come on, tell me, what are thornoids?

All right.

They are these little, spiny things that some guys eat

because they're supposed to increase muscle mass.

- May I go now? - Hey, wait a sec'.

How do they work? Where do I get them?

You don't get 'em, you don't want 'em, you don't need 'em. The end.

- But I, I... - Ah! Close it.

And don't ever touch my jacket again.

Yeah.

Oh! Uh...

- Hey, tough guy, see if you can eat me! - Yeah! Eat me!

Your momma!

Oh, come on, you knucklehead. You're not so big. I'll take you on.

You're funny. Aah.

And now you're gone.

Ahhh.

Big, muscle-bound oaf!

Oh, good.

- Hey. Turn out that light. - What are you lookin' at?

You got a problem, you puny runt?

- Chicken! - Wussy!

I'm surprised you can lift me, you weasely little wimp!

Listen. Do you guys really work? Can you really make me stronger?

Oh, make me stronger. Make me stronger! You're pathetic!

Go home and take a nap, ya mama's boy.

- Wimp! - Weenie-boy!

Come on and eat me! I'm getting tired of sitting around and waiting.

All right. Fine. Uh, here it goes.

You call these jaw muscles? There's nothing but flab in here!

- You make me sick! - Ugh...

- Betcha can't eat just one! - Aah...

Come on. Want to try some strained peas?

- Wanna see me paint with it? - Eat them.

Oh! Oh!

Hey! I'll get it.

Now, sweetheart, don't you want to grow up big and strong like...

well, like your brother, Robbie.

- You mean, chicken boy? - Somebody call me?

- Whoa. Oh, Robbie. You're buff. - Yeah.

My exercise program paid off.

Ooh, wanna be big and strong like Robbie.

Give me peas. Where's my spoon?

It's stuck behind the refrigerator. Gone forever.

- That's the end of it. - Hey, hey, hey. I'll get it.

Now, son, let's not get too ambitious.

You've been working out and making progress, but it's gonna take...

Whoa!

What, Dad?

Well, I could have done that too.

- Yeah. - Wow.

- Gimme, gimme! Gimme! Gimme! - Here ya go, little fella.

Robbie, that was amazing.

Hey, that was nothing.

Listen, if you guys want other large appliances moved,

just let me know. I can always use the workout.

Well, uh, stick with those exercises, son.

Yep.

Whoa!

Whew. Oh, dear.

He forgot to move the refrigerator back.

Oh! Not a problem, little lady.

For what the student can do, surely his teacher can do.

Whoa. Jeez...

- Huh? - Hey. Yo, Caroline!

Oh, Robbie. What happened to you?

I had a little growth spurt. You like what you see?

- Well, sure. - Yeah?

It's just that I'm in the middle of something right now.

No, no, this won't take long. How'd you like to be the lucky girl

who gets to go to the dance with me on Saturday night?

- Go with you? Well, this is a surprise. - Yeah.

It's just... I think Dolf is going to ask me.

Well, how do you know?

He's trying to finish his sentence right now.

- Hmm? - To the dance with me?

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Listen, uh, I asked her first.

- So what time should I pick you up? - Hey, jerk!

She's going with me.

You know, you really shouldn't hang out with these goons.

Whoa!

Oh. Dolf fall down, go boom.

See you Saturday? Yeah.

- About time! - We're dying in here!

When was the last time you washed your clothes?

- Yeah. Yeah. - What do you care? You're history.

Well, what do we have here?

A walking house? No. It's Sinclair.

What are ya doing? Retaining water?

It's all muscle, Spike. I've been working out, ya know.

No doubt. And I suspect you've had a little change in diet.

- What do you mean by that? - Hey. Don't try and kid a kidder.

- You're doin' the big T. - How's that?

Swallowing spines.

Riding the wild 'noids. Popping porcupines.

Whoa, whoa. Are you saying I'm doin' thornoids?

Well, you're way off base, bud.

Yeah? Then where did these come from?

The spike fairy? I'd say they look suspiciously like

the unpleasant physical side effects of thornoid consumption.

Oh, yeah? Well, you've got spikes too.

Yeah. And I came by mine naturally. Have you met my mother?

You know, I'd really like to hear about your charming family,

but I got a life.

Come on, hurry it up!

I'm rinsing out a few things!

I have to get ready for the dance.

Oh, let's see. What's more important?

Your big date or my unmentionables?

Sorry. Fine washables win!

- Let me in there now! - Get lost!

Oh! Oh. Uh, it's all yours,

big bloated brother.

Oh, you left your wet stuff in here.

I don't want to look at your wet stuff.

Oh! Whoa!

You're crazy! What's the matter with you?

Huh?

A little to the left. To the right.

Too far. Back, back.

That way.

Nuh-uh. The other way. Missed it.

Cut that out!

Whoa! Oh, thank goodness. There's my enormous chip off the old block.

How 'bout giving me a hand with this fridge?

How 'bout not? Why don't you move your own refrigerator?

- It's your food anyway, chubby. - Chubby.

Robbie! What's gotten into you?

Chubby? Let me tell you something.

You are not too big for me to teach you a lesson!

Oh!

Gee, I think maybe I am.

Tell him, Chicken boy!

- What did you call me? - Nothing.

Uh, uh! Hey! That's my rattle!

- What are you doing? - Oops.

You're not leaving until you tell me what's going on?

Where did those spikes come from?

I'd love to chew the fat, Mom, but I'm going to the dance now.

No need to wait up, fat boy.

You ask her to dance, and then...

I'm glad we got outta there.

I can't stand those chaperons giving me the evil eye.

They wouldn't be if you hadn't dumped the punch on that kid's head.

- He was putting the moves on you. - He asked if I knew the time.

Nobody talks to you like that while I'm around.

- Oh. - But, uh, speaking of time,

Ooh, isn't it about time for a kiss?

- Uh... Ow! - What!? What!?

- Those spikes! They're sharp. - Hey, love hurts.

I don't know what's wrong with you, but maybe I should go.

Hey! What kind of game is this?

You wanted a guy with muscles, right?

Well, I went out and I got 'em. I'm as big as Dolf now.

- Is that what you want to be? Dolf? - That's what you like, right?

You never went out with me when I was skinny.

- You never asked me. - I never thought you liked me.

- Well, I did. - Hmm?

- But I don't anymore. - OK, look, we'll just talk.

- Oh, right. - Hey, I said I want to talk.

Stop it! Don't touch me. What's the matter with you?

He ate something that didn't agree with him.

- Huh? - What are you doing here?

I came for the punch, but somebody had spilled it.

And Caroline, so good to see you. I think you should head back to the gym.

There's some sort of crisis with the decorations.

Oh. Mmm-hmm.

I had a great date going and you blew it!

For future reference, when a girl says,

"Don't touch me" and runs away, that's a bad date.

Face it, pal. You're making enemies out of everyone.

Yeah? Well, lucky for me I can take everyone.

- Yeah. Starting with the girls, I see. - I've had about enough of you.

- Yeah? - Yeah!

Oops.

I think there's a problem with those spikes.

Hey, get me out of here!

No, no. I know you're a very busy guy.

What with alienating everyone on the continent.

I'll rip you apart!

Whoo!

No, you're gonna hang there and listen to what I have to say.

- Never! - Do you admit you're eating thornoids?

Yeah. So what if I am?! Look at the body they got me!

Yeah. And look at what it's costing you.

Caroline doesn't want to be with you.

Your family thinks you're psycho.

And I've just about had it with you touching my jacket.

Thanks for the lecture, Mom. Now, get me out of here!

- Ummm, uh, no. - What?!

I'm gonna leave you stuck there. At least until the thornoids wear off.

- Should happen by morning. - You can't just leave me here!

Tut, tut. You oughta know me better than that, Scooter.

I'm gonna sit right here and watch your muscles fall off.

Well, look at that. You fit through the door again.

Don't shout. My head's hurting.

Ah, that would be a thornoid hangover.

Don't worry, it gets better.

After it gets a lot worse!

How could it be worse than this?

Well, you could suddenly remember how you treated Caroline last night.

Oh, and the worst part is,

she actually liked me the way I was before.

Do you think I'll ever have a chance with her?

Oh, Caroline's pretty understanding.

You let some time pass, you give her some space, and I'd say...

- not a chance! - Jeez...

Hey, Scooter, but seriously, look on the bright side.

You've still got your whole family to apologize to.

Yeah. Fine. Bring 'em in one at a time or in small groups.

Check. Ah! Well, here's a small group now.

- Hmm? - Yo.

Oh! Um, sorry to interrupt you, my muscular son.

You go ahead with whatever important thing you were doing,

and I'll have my breakfast out in the back yard.

No, Dad, wait. Um, I, I want to talk to you.

Um... Listen, I did a stupid thing, and I'm sorry.

Robbie! You stopped exercising, didn't you?

- Uh... - Yeah. That's right.

No more exercising for Robbie. I'll just, uh...

I'm sorry for everything I said. I'll do anything to make it up to you.

- Anything, huh? - Anything.

Would you...

- move the fridge for me? - Uh...

Well, I'm glad to try, Dad.

But, uh, I think I'll need some help.

- No, no. Allow me. - Huh?

Ahh... Hmm.

Sheesh.

What?!

I made it lighter.