Original subtitles

Ooh, Saturday morning. Gotta make pancakes!

You're imitating me, aren't you?

Kids! Breakfast is ready!

- Hurry up! Getting cold! - Isn't that cute?

Fine! Don't eat! I cook, I clean!

- When do I get to have a life?! - That's enough, sweetheart.

I'm sick and tired of picking up after you kids!

- Cut it out. - We spoiled them all.

Good morning.

Remember, after breakfast you have to drive me to Mindy's.

You promised to take us to the sweater outlet.

You can drive around the block until we're through.

- Then take us to the mall, OK? - You're going to the mall?

Could you pick me up weights for my barbells?

I need a couple of 50-pounders and hundreds, if they fit in the back.

Want me to pick up an anvil while I'm at it?

Oh, Saturday morning!

The entire weekend lies before us like a vast...

couple of days.

So, Frannie, any plans for the weekend?

Oh, yeah. I've got a whole list of exciting things to do.

Good, good. So long as the top of that list

has the words "Earl's breakfast" written on it.

And how is my little guy this morning?

I don't know why I married you!

- Ow! Oh, my head! - Uh-huh.

Oh, dear. Well, maybe we can glue it back together.

No. The last time we did that I couldn't get my hat off.

Gee. Isn't that the fourth pan he broke this month?

- Uh, I think it's the fifth. - Sixth, if you count the wok.

Well, we'll just buy another one.

You shouldn't have to do that.

If they break so easily maybe you should complain to the company.

Yeah, like a lot of good that'll do.

As president of the Myman pan company,

I've always taken great pride in the quality of our product.

That's why I wanted to come by personally.

Because I'm sincerely interested in what you, the consumer, have to say.

- Your pan broke. - You're lying through your teeth.

I'm telling you, six pans all broke in the same way.

Please, Mrs. Sinclair!

Myman pans may rust, they may crack,

they may even shed little pieces of lead into your food,

but I guarantee you these pans don't just break under normal use.

Mmm, we'll just see about that.

Oooh, I can see myself.

Really?

- Ow! - Here.

- That's not normal use. - It is around here.

Oh... Well, I could give you your money back,

but then I'd have less money.

There's got to be another way.

And here it is! Our research boys just came up with it: The P-2000.

The dawn of a new pan age.

Go ahead, little fella, give it a whack.

Get the ice pack, Fran.

Come on. Closer.

Not... the... mama!

I can't believe it! It didn't break!

This pan is pretty good.

Hey, wait a minute. "This pan is pretty good."

I like it!

I can see it on every billboard, every bus stop.

Baby hits father with new pan and says...

This pan is pretty good.

It'll sell millions! What do you say, Mrs. Sinclair?

Your baby and that guy's head: A major advertising campaign.

- We'll electrify the nation! - Well, I don't know...

- You've got yourself a deal. - Then put 'er there.

But I'm only negotiating with one of you.

Honey, I'm home.

Aaah!

- Ohh! - Ow!

- Ow! - Ooh!

Aah!

Let me see!

- Come on, Mama! Let me see! - Oh, Monica, it's all so exciting!

The cameras, the lights, everybody hovering around us!

And the advertising executive told me they just adore my baby.

Ooh, the camera loves me.

And the money we make can pay for his college education.

- Oh... - College?

Oh, they'll adore me there too.

Oh! And Mr. Myman said the magazine ad came out so well,

he wants us to do television commercials!

And that's even more money!

Gee, Fran, are you sure you want to get so...

- involved in all that? - What's that supposed to mean?

Well, it's just so easy to get your head turned by these show business guys.

I mean, it's a glamorous world...

When did you become such an expert on show business?

Well, I dated a producer once.

I don't suppose that makes me an expert, but I...

Then I appreciate your concern, Monica, but please don't worry.

Earl and I are not rushing into anything.

Quick, Frannie! Grab a pen!

It's time to sign our lives away!

Oh, Earl! Is that our contract?

You know it. Go on, sign it on my back, just like in the movies.

Yeah.

There's a lot of small print there.

You think you should have someone look it over?

Just so you don't make a mistake?

What do you think, Earl? Should we listen to Monica?

After all, she is an expert in show business.

- She dated a producer once. - Wow! Face it, Monica.

You're jealous because no one wants to hit you on the head and pay you for it.

Hey, son. Time to fry up some dinner.

How 'bout if you give me that pan?

- Sure! - Ow!

You know, whether you're preparing dinner

or just relaxing at home, the new Myman P-2000 pan fits the bill!

- This pan is pretty good. - Yeah.

The P-2000, more than just a pretty pan,

a pretty good pan.

Ow!

Boy, that looked pretty painful.

Nah, it's not so bad. You get used to it.

Would somebody get that darn phone?

Fine, let it ring.

I can't believe you let them hit you just to sell a pan.

Don't you see how they're exploiting you?

They're just hitting me on the... head with a pan.

- Who let these bees in here? - Earl, are you all right?

Yeah.

Oh! I'm on television again.

Ow!

Finally, who's that adorable little baby selling pans across the super continent?

Well, we did some snooping through a big pile of press releases

and found out his name is Baby Sinclair!

And boy, are we in love.

- Earl... - Yeah, he sure is a cutie, Leeza.

And our insider reporter tells us that Baby Sinclair is fast becoming

the hottest celebrity in town.

He's pan-tastic. I just love the way he hits that big green thing with a pan.

What is that? A rock or something?

I'm not a rock.

This gives us excellent leverage.

We can get more commercials out of this.

Whether you're a king, or just having some fun...

- Your Majesty... - I dub thee, Sir Pan!

This pan's pretty good.

And cut it! Print it! Oh, it was fabulous! It was crisp!

It had authority! I believed it completely.

I'd like to do another one.

Well, could be better. OK. Here we go! Let's go. Places.

I need to, I need to feel this one! So, uh, how's it going, bud?

Mommy? May I have some fudge?

He's fine! OK, you!

Move it! Can we have a chair for Mrs. Sinclair?

- And get her some coffee. - Right away.

And could I get some real cream this time?

Absolutely. Lose the powdered stuff!

- I want you to be happy. - Hmm.

- Excuse me. - Thank you.

- Hmmm. - So, you like what you see?

Uh, listen, Otto,

I had my market research boys test these commercials to figure out

what our target audience liked the most...

- Yeah? - And here it is, in order.

They loved the baby, the baby's diaper,

his fingers, his toes, his teeth, the little space between his teeth...

- Yep. - Baby, baby, baby, baby.

What's at the bottom of the list?

- The thing he hits with the pan. - That's the father.

- Are we paying him? - Yes.

- Lose him. - Done.

Everyone, let's get it together.

Oh, how nice. Thank you.

We're going again. Once more. Places, please.

- Oh, excuse me. - Yes?

Could I get some water? I need to take an aspirin.

Some water, huh? And I suppose you want that in a glass too.

- Oh, that would be nice. - What's next? Some ice?

A piece of pound cake? Your own private jet?!

Really? Pound cake?

That's it! I will not deal with your outrageous, incessant demands anymore!

You are not the only blunt surface in this town, my friend.

- You are out! - But! But, I'm Sir Pan!

- What's going on? - Uh, I can handle this.

Oh, out, huh?

Well, know this, if I'm out, my family goes out too.

Come on, Fran. Pack up the kid. We're leaving.

Now, Earl, maybe we should discuss it.

I mean, after all, this is paying for the baby's college education.

- Huh! - Mrs. Sinclair, for your awards dinner?

- That one. - Right.

- Frannie, he just fired me! - I understand that, Earl.

But it would be irresponsible of me to just walk out on the baby's career.

- I'll need an evening bag to go with that. - Gotcha!

He's a kid! He doesn't need a career.

Could we talk about this tomorrow?

I have a press meeting in 20 minutes.

I have the awards dinner tonight.

And we've got to get this shot before lunch!

- Mrs. Sinclair? - Huh?

- Frannie! - Uh...

Hmm?

Good. OK. Places, please.

- Too tight! - Sweetheart, drink your juice.

- The limo will be here any minute. - Make him wait. I'm a star!

- Knock, knock. - Monica!

- Hi there, cutie. - Hey, babe!

- Babe? - Want my autograph?

- All right. - OK.

"To Monica. Don't ever change, Baby."

Oh. That's nice.

I know you've been busy, but I just thought you and I should talk.

We should. You're right.

- So how 'bout having lunch? - Lunch? I can't today. I'm having lunch

with the network. They'd like us to do a movie of the week,

if they can decide what disease the baby should have.

Yuck!

Well, umm... How 'bout tomorrow?

- Can't. Opening a new mall. - Ahh...

Oh, dear!

The limo's here. Let's go, sweetheart.

Well, tomorrow's not great for me either, but any day next week is free...

Love to. Call my assistant, Raoul, over at the studio.

He knows my schedule. I'd simply die without him.

This was so nice. We'll do it again soon!

Let's do lunch. Call my agent.

I'll be on the coast. I'm a player.

Gotta love me! Ciao!

Bye.

Morning, honey.

Morning, sweetheart.

Oh, great. Just what I want to see first thing in the morning,

your big blue know-it-all puss sticking into my house.

I came here to see Fran.

Oh, well, too bad, you can't.

Because our lives are too good.

Right now, Frannie is slipping into something clingy,

and then we're having an intimate breakfast for two on the veranda.

She just left in a limo.

Oh, you were right!

The whole thing's been a big mistake.

It's been days since I've seen Fran.

But don't you see her down at the studio?

- No. They fired me. - How could they do that?

I don't know. It had something to do with pound cake.

And now she's got this glamorous jet set life and she doesn't have time for me.

Well, can't you call the set and talk to Raoul?

Oh, yech! Not Raoul.

I hate Raoul. He always "pencils me in."

Sounds like Fran's getting caught up in show business.

Boy, I wish we'd never got involved

with this whole corrupt world of power, money, and fame.

Of course, if they hadn't fired me, I wouldn't be saying this.

No, Earl, you're right. It's no place for someone like Fran.

Jeez, you and I actually agree on something.

Now I'm really depressed.

Oh, oh! You look absolutely sensational.

- Aah! - Look at his skin, just like a baby's behind.

- Oh, it's to die. - Mm-hmm.

If there's anything you need, anything at all, just name it.

I'll run around frantically and get it for you.

- Really? - Uh-huh.

- OK, um... get me some... - Uh-huh.

- Juice! - Juice! He wants juice!

- Get him juice! - Juice! Juice! Get me juice!

- Ah, and how's my little star doing? - Super, Otto.

- Huh? - Uh, powder.

Excuse me. What's going on here?

- Hey! You up there! What's your name? - Wayne.

- Oh, OK, Wayne. - Yeah.

Let me tell you about your job. You've got a light and you've got a kid.

You're supposed to use the light to make the kid look good.

He doesn't. You're fired!

- Hmm...? - Fired?!

Here ya go. Nice fresh juice.

All right...

Let me tell you about your job.

- Uh-huh. - You got a bottle! You got a baby!

Juice stinks! You're fired!

- I beg your pardon? - You heard him. You're out.

- Is there a problem, Otto? - Oh, nothing to worry about.

- Your kid just fired somebody. - Huh?

That's what we do. We fire guys. We ruin lives.

Cappuccino?

Are they serious with these scripts?

The baby's gonna look ridiculous if you let him do these movies.

I thought some of them could work as a vehicle for your brother.

Are you kidding? Look at this.

A baby dinosaur's family goes on vacation and leaves him home alone?

It's just not believable.

So we'll get a rewrite. Script writers are a dime a dozen.

So! Did you find any parts for me?

No, we didn't get to the horror movies yet.

- Ha, ha. - Did you give the baby his bath?

He didn't like the soap, so he fired me.

- Yeah, he fired me too. - Hi, Charlene. Hi, Robbie.

- Hi. - Oh, hi.

Oh! And who's this?

No, no, no. Don't tell me. I never forget a face.

- Earl! - No. That's my name.

Hmmm. Oh, I know!

You used to be Fran Sinclair, loving wife and mother.

Uh-oh. Dad's trying to be sarcastic.

Actually, I'd say he's being more facetious.

Get out.

And that's just plain rude.

- Jeez. - Definitely.

Earl, I know I haven't been around a lot, but we discussed this.

I'm only doing this to put away money for the baby's college education.

Yeah? Well, I'm not so sure this whole thing is about the kid anymore.

And Monica happens to agree with me.

You and Monica were talking about me?

A lot of people are talking about you, Fran.

And not all of it's good.

Just say what you came here to say.

All right. You're getting a little too caught up

in this glitzy dream factory you call show business.

Anything more?

Yeah. I got more. Plenty more.

You say you're doing this for the baby?

Well, tell me this. Who gets to ride in the limo?

Who gets the cappuccino?

Who gets herself a fancy new blouse for the awards ceremony?

You think that's all this is?!

It doesn't matter what I think. It's what you think.

And you'd better think hard.

I'm not pushing him to do anything he doesn't want to do!

It's all for him! That's why I'm doing it!

It's all for him!

It's all for him.

Those of you who are old enough may remember this little guy:

Happy-go-lucky Baby Sinclair.

Forty years ago this engaging sprite stole the country's heart

in those Myman pan commercials.

- Ah, remember? - Sure!

- Ow! - This pan is pretty good.

Yeah.

That was a long time ago,

and we were wondering what ever happened to everybody's favorite baby.

Well, we found him, and here he is, Baby Sinclair!

Yeah, yeah! Gotta love me!

- Yeah. Good to be back. - Do the pan! Do the pan!

Do the pan! Do the pan!

Ah, ha, ha...

You know what they want to hear.

- Yeah, all right, Sally. - Aah...

That's a pretty good...

Wait a minute. That's a pretty good...

What the heck happened to you?

Show business! That's, that's what happened to me.

- Aah... - First the pan commercials,

then the beach movies, a sitcom... Oh, and those talk show circuits.

- I wanted to quit... - Yeah?

But she kept pushing me.

She couldn't get enough! She! She! She!

You mean... your mother.

Yeah, my mother. She was there when I was hot.

But where was she when I couldn't get arrested, Sal?

Where was she when I did get arrested?

I believe we have a clip of that.

This is a stick-up! Give me money!

OK, OK. Don't shoot, eh! Hey, ain't you that kid on TV?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - "That's a pretty good pan!" Right?

Hey, that's a pretty nice watch. Hand it over!

Huh?! OK.

- I'm taking it off. - Hurry it up.

Uh-oh. I'm the baby. Gotta love me?

- Tragic. - Thanks.

I understand you've written a book about your life.

Yeah. I wrote it when I was doin' a nickel in the slammer.

- Ah... - I call it, I blame you, Mommy!

I blame you! You! You!

Oh, what have I done?! My poor baby!

How's that bottle, sweetheart?

- Stinks! Gimme something else! - That's what we have.

You'll never serve juice in this town again!

- Morning, Earl! - Morning, Monica.

- Fran? What are you doing here? - Making breakfast.

Hold my call!

Hello?

Where's Fran? She's over two hours late!

It's Mr. Myman. He says you should've been at the studio two hours ago.

Tell him I'm making breakfast.

I do not care to discuss the subject of breakfast!

We've got a commercial to shoot! We've got pans to sell!

Earl, tell Mr. Myman we've had enough of show business.

If our baby is going to do any acting, he's going to start acting like a baby.

Now, what does that mean? What are you telling me?!

- What is the bottom line?! - I'll handle this one.

That's all we have to say. Good day, sir.

Fran, Fran, I understand.

You're concerned about your baby.

I know there's nothing more important than your child.

So... how'd you like your own show?

My own show?

Everybody'd be watching you. An hour every day.

And you can talk about anything you want.

Cooking, household hints, how you raised everyone's favorite baby.

- Mama? - Hmmm?

- Where's my limo?! - Huh?

You want to know how I'm gonna raise this baby?

- Yeah, oh. - Well, it's not gonna be on some movie lot surrounded

by a pack of sleazy, manipulative,

- two-faced, cellular phonies! - Phonies?!

He's going to be raised right here where he belongs.

At home, by a family who loves him and knows what's best for him.

I respect that! Yes, I do.

Your mama's trying to flush your career down the toilet.

We're not gonna let her do that, are we?

Yes!

- How's that? - Umm... I'd like to see another take.

OK.

- Thanks. - Looking great there...

Cut it! Print it!

I believe that's a wrap.