Original subtitles

Ah-choo!

Hi. Look, Frannie.

- I did the shopping. - That's nice, Earl.

Yeah. And I found the market all by myself.

I'm very proud of you.

Well, I just feel that marriage is an equal partnership.

And since you've been so sick with the flu,

I thought I'd take up the slack and do my 50 percent.

I appreciate that, Earl.

If you want, I'll make a list of the other things that need to be done.

I've already found your list and taken care of everything.

I did the shopping, I planned a wonderful birthday party for Charlene,

I, uh, picked up the dry cleaning, and I had a bikini wax.

Ooh. Boy, am I tender.

Now, why don't you get back into bed

and get some sleep.

What time's Charlene's party?

In about an hour.

- Sure you don't need any help? - Are you kidding?

I've got this place running like clockwork.

You could lapse into a coma and no one would notice.

Bye.

- A surprise party? - Yeah, but you didn't hear it from me.

You figured it out on your own. Like anyone's gonna believe that.

Oh, is Mindy gonna be there, and Denise, and Amy...?

Look, all I know is I'm supposed to keep you out for another hour.

Oh, hey, Rob. Thanks for doing your part in this.

Yeah, well, it's in lieu of a present, OK.

I've been dropping hints to Mom and Dad about this slinky,

black, off-the-shoulder sweater I saw at the mall.

I'd like to hear all about it, but we have more important business.

I don't wanna get in trouble for telling you about it.

- Check. - Let's see your surprise face.

OK. How's this?

Ah!

I said surprise, not psychotic.

- Try again. - Oh, OK. Here we go.

Ah.

Here they come. Everybody get ready.

Well, I wonder what's gonna happen.

Surprise!

- Yeah. - Oh, surprise.

- Surprise, yeah, yeah. - That's great.

Three queens. Gotta love 'em.

- Wha...? - Now, that's a surprise face.

Honey, I'm home.

Aaah!

- Ohh! - Ow!

- Ow! - Ooh!

Aah!

- Uh... - I know you won't believe this,

but I put this party together all by myself.

Uh, Dad...

- Where are all my friends? - I don't know. Where are they usually?

It's everything you dreamed it would be, huh?

- Well, party hearty! - Well...

Come on, Charlene, we saved you a chair.

Poker? That's so boring.

Hey, not so. Deuces are wild.

Are you in, or what?

I can't believe that's all you planned for my party.

To sit around and play cards?

Hey, poker is just the beginning.

Once the bucket of ribs gets here,

we're all gonna sit around and watch this video your Uncle Roy brought.

"Wrestling's greatest bloopers and blunders."

- Yeah! - Yeah, happy birthday.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is a nightmare!

Now, now, sweetheart.

This may not be every little girl's fantasy party,

but wait till you open your presents.

There, uh, here you go, Charlene.

- I, uh, picked it out myself. - Um, uh...

It's soup.

- What? Everybody likes soup. - Yeah.

- I didn't have time to get anything. - I like soup.

Tell ya what, sit down here, and I'll cover your ante.

Hey, that's not much of a gift.

This is my daughter here.

All right, then, uh... The keg's on me.

- Yeah! - Now, that's grand!

This... This is the worst birthday ever!

You... You didn't think about my feelings at all!

It's like you don't even know me!

- Oh? I don't know you? - Uh-uh.

Well, then, I guess it's just pure luck that I got you

the one gift you had your little heart set on.

- Huh? - This variable-speed belt sander!

- Mom. - There's my birthday girl.

I bet this is what you've been waiting for.

Oh! Oh, finally, something decent.

You dropped enough hints about wanting a sweater.

Thanks, Mom. I figured since you had the flu,

you wouldn't have a chance to go to the mall...

- I made it myself. - Uh...

I was afraid I wouldn't be able to finish it because I was so feverish.

- It's hideous! Oh! - Then it was worth the extra effort.

Oh, I hate this family! Nobody understands me!

Honey.

Earl!

- Yay! - Earl!

What are the guys from work doing here?

This is not a party for a teenage girl.

What makes you say that?

Hey, Earl, the stripper's here.

So, how come I wasn't invited to your party?

Because you don't work with my dad.

Oh, Mindy, you didn't miss anything. It was awful.

Yeah, well, our parents will never understand us.

You're right.

My dad was in charge. Dads never seem to have a clue.

Yeah, tell me about it. I never got along with mine,

until he started taking me to the ballet.

Now we see each other, like, every Sunday.

And he bought me this locket with our pictures in it.

- Ever buy you a belt sander? - A what?

Never mind.

It's official. I have the worst family in the world.

You know, I'd run away if it wasn't so inconvenient.

- But, where would you go? - I don't know.

Someplace far away.

A foreign land, or I could live with a new family.

- Oh, dream on. - Yeah. Hmm...

Oh...

Fran.

If I'm ever gonna get a full day's work done,

you'll have to stop calling me home for every miniscule domestic incident.

- What is it this time? - Charlene's moving to a foreign land.

And what land is that, pouting little girl tantrum land?

She's serious, Earl. Her bags are packed.

She volunteered for some sort of exchange program at school.

She's very upset. She says we don't know her.

If you knew Charlene like I do,

you'd know there's nothing in this suitcase

except a lot of clothes and other daily necessities.

Our baby's going away. You've got to talk to her.

It's a bluff.

What possible reasons would she have for leaving?

Lack of privacy, for starters.

Hey, that's a serious accusation, young lady.

Hmm.

- Promise you'll write every day? - Oh, I will.

Well, I guess I'd better be going.

- Ah. - Here's your purse.

Thank you.

Oh, you are very convincing. Very convincing.

Bon voyage.

Well, there she goes, right down the block. Oh, isn't she cute?

- Come on, Fran. Let's wave. - Huh?

Bye-bye, honey!

Oh, look, she's getting on the bus.

Oh, she's really selling it.

She'll be getting off any second and trudging home.

Oh! Look, the bus is turning the corner.

Nice touch, dear!

Oh, wait. There she is.

- No, no, that's a lamppost. - She wasn't bluffing, Earl.

- Duh, Fran. - You want dinner, come to the table.

I'm not feeding you in the doorway again.

Geez.

So, with this exchange program,

what exactly do we get for Charlene?

I hope it's a barbecue.

It's the teenage boy from the family Charlene's with.

Oh, that stinks.

Dad, the whole purpose of the program is to dissolve the stereotypes

and misunderstandings between the species.

He can live out in the yard. Those foreigners don't bathe.

I wanna be a foreigner.

Maybe we should look at this as an opportunity

to learn about another culture,

to get a new perspective on our own lives.

You want perspective?

You are rude and ill-mannered pig dogs.

Shoo. Shoo! Shoo!

How dare you "shoo" me with that bristled cleaning implement,

you large reptilian fish wife!

I am your exchange student! Hmph.

Oh, I'm so sorry. We didn't realize who you were.

Yes, yes. Now take my valise, and get me some food,

you waddling, prattling shrew!

I am starving.

Oh. Oh, of course.

So... How are you doing?

I am Earl Sinclair.

- This is my son, Robbie. - Hello.

And this is the baby.

Hello.

"The baby?"

What kind of imbecilic name is "the baby"?

What's your name?

Francois Jean-Marie Poupon.

You win.

Here's a little home-style cooking from our neck of the woods.

This is swill! You are trying to poison me!

- Quiet! - Geez!

Well, Fran, I don't know where Charlene is now,

but at least she doesn't have to put up with a horrible squawking monster.

- Yeah. - Oh, geez.

Hey, lady!

Don't hurt a person!

Mr. Blaven... Rosen, haven, flaven.

Flaven Ro... Row, pro, fish roe? Ah!

They'll be waiting. Hey, lady...!

- Do you see? Do you see? - What?

Yes, yes. All right, already. I give up!

- He is a genius. - Brilliant! Such nuance!

Watch, watch! Next is the scene where he puts a cigarette in his nose.

His humor works on so many levels.

Ma chérie, turn off the TV. It's time for supper.

- Yum, yum, yum. - Oh, that's good.

I'm really hungry.

Mm. Open wide, Charlene.

Fresh worms. The worms are so plump tonight.

Well, today was a vast expanse of unrelenting tedium.

So, where will you take me tomorrow, huh?

To the park? The museum?

You don't normally sit around here all day, now, do you?

Well, pretty much.

That is why you are fat and stupid. Ha!

Well, it has been a while since we got out the badminton set.

Ha! I laugh with unbridled contempt

at your pathetic lawn activities. Ha!

Entertain me! Entertain me!

- Oh! Is there no respite? - ♪ La la la la ♪

I'll tell you what. Fran and I will work up a skit or something.

You play with the baby.

Come on, Fran.

♪ La la la la la la ♪

Got a present for you.

Ah. And where would I find that?

In my diaper.

Yuck! You are disgusting. Ack!

- Shut up! - Awk!

- Shut up! Shut up! - Awk! Awk!

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

You know, Earl, I'm actually learning a lot about the cultural differences

between us and Francois' species.

We may be different on the outside, but underneath it all,

I really want to kill them.

I want to kill every single one of them.

Fran, this is a side of you

I've never seen before.

I want to take it hunting.

- Hey, listen. - Hmm?

I guess even Francois couldn't resist the charms of our little guy.

Come on.

Honey, where's Francois?

Huh?

Very naughty baby.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Yummy!

- So, he ate one small foreign exchange student. - Earl!

Well, Francois did come to this part of the world to see new things.

Ta-da!

Granted, it's no trip to the museum.

We've got to call his parents right away.

And say what?

"Hey, there, Poupon.

Can you recommend a good wine to serve with your son?"

It's our duty to let them know what happened.

When they find out, what do you think they'll do with Charlene?

These foreigners are capable of unspeakable savagery.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Earl, we've got to tell them.

It's the honest, decent thing to do.

Like I'm gonna pin my hopes on that.

Good night, Henri.

Good night, Simone.

Um, excuse me please, exchange papa and mama.

What is it now, Charlene?

Can it not wait till morning?

Do I have to sleep sitting up again tonight?

Is she whining again?

It's just that I'm really, really tired.

Fine! Anything to stop your cacophonous mewling!

You may use Francois' room.

But... Ah...

I'm not sure that's a real good idea.

Get up there, you spoiled, irritating child! Now!

But...

Look what you have done, you bloated biped!

How could your parents have let you get so fat?

But they don't think I'm fat.

Then they are more imbecilic than you are.

You know, you are very impolite.

Oh! Oh! Ow!

There you go, little fella. You look just like Francois.

Yeah. Hm.

This is crazy, Earl. Parents recognize their own children.

That's a gross generalization, Fran.

You know these foreigners all look the same.

You know, Earl, I don't think the foreign food agreed with the baby.

- Bonjour! - He's been acting very strangely.

Let's have a look at the little fella.

- Not la mere! Not la mere! - Oh! Ow!

Looks OK to me.

I'm the baby. You must love me, no?

Oh.

I'll just go and pick up Charlene. I'll be back in a jiff.

Earl, maybe we should talk about this some more.

He just doesn't look very authentic to me.

Oh, no? Listen to this.

Go.

You are stupid. You are fat.

I will not eat your swill.

Now, that's a foreigner.

Franny? Honey?

What did I tell you? It worked like a charm.

Dropped off the fake bird, picked up our pride and joy.

- Where is Charlene? Is she OK? - Yeah. She's picking up her stuff.

Like I said, those foreigners didn't have a clue.

They're not as close to their children as us.

They don't have the same affection and devotion we have for Charlene.

Hi, Mom. It's good to be home.

May I have a dollar? La, la.

Earl, this is not Charlene.

Uh, sweetheart, your mother's been under a lot of stress lately.

Earl, this is an imposter. You've been tricked.

Let's take a look.

You're right!

You lied to me! Go to your room!

Sheesh!

Oh, come on, Fran!

You gotta admit it's a pretty uncanny likeness.

You don't even know your own daughter.

Yes, I do.

Come on, ask me something about Charlene. Ask me anything.

Where is she now?

Ask me something about Robbie.

- Hello? - Madame Sinclair?

Yes.

It's the Poupons.

What have you done with our son?

What have you done with our daughter?

She was rude and ungrateful.

She destroyed our home like a rampaging bison.

- Where is she? - I do not know. Nor do I care.

She ran away, if anything that fat could be said to run.

Why is your baby staring at me?

Bon appétit.

You already had one, you'll ruin your dinner.

Oh...

What about Francois? Did he also run away?

Well, he tried but he didn't get very far.

Earl! Um...

We have terrible, terrible news.

Oh, no, no. She's being melodramatic.

- You know how females are. - Earl...

You see, Francois and our baby got to playing.

And you know youngsters, there's always some kind of little accident.

A bumped head here, a scraped knee there...

one kid swallows another.

Kids will be kids.

Well, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed.

I don't know how we can ever make this up to you.

- That would be some trick, yes. - Oui.

Francois' departure has left an emptiness in our lives.

A void which can never be filled.

But, perhaps you can help the healing process begin by...

loading your TV set into our car.

Yeah... What? No! Not the TV!

Earl, give them the TV.

To us it would be a virtual big-screen, huh?

Come on, Fran. He can make other kids.

I have no clue how to make another TV.

Please, accept it with our condolences.

I just had it serviced!

Hello?

I'm home!

Look, Fran!

- I'm pretty sure it's Charlene. - Oh, my baby, are you OK?

Oh, let me hug you, my daughter, Charlene,

who I recognized almost immediately.

You know, the last two days have made me realize something.

Even though my family doesn't always understand me or appreciate me,

it's still better than having to sleep on a stick and eat worms.

- I missed you too. - Yeah.

And, I guess...

you and I both have a lot of feelings and emotions to sort out.

Fran, you're up.

You all go ahead. I'm going to see the Poupons out.

- But, uh... Um... - Fran, you...

Well...

I... So...

Look...

- I'm sorry about your birthday party. - Yeah.

And the last 14 years and everything.

Me too.

Maybe the problem is...

we don't spend much time together.

Just the two of us.

- We used to. - That's true.

Remember when you were five?

I'd buy you something shiny, and you'd say "ooh!"

And we understood each other.

But the things you're interested in now...

Oh, you mean like my friends and what they think of me,

and relationships, and what kind of boy I'm gonna marry and...

You have no idea how scary that sounds to a father.

Well, I guess it's really not the kind of thing

a girl wants to talk about with her dad, anyway.

So, we're agreed.

Actual conversation is too ambitious at this point.

- Yeah. - So, we start by, uh...

Just hanging out together?

Well, you know...

I had my heart set on going down to the mall,

and seeing what was new in the teenage girls' sweater section.

And maybe seeing if one particular sweater caught my fancy.

I was gonna go with some of the guys from work, but if you're free...

That's a pretty pathetic lie.

Yeah.

And I accept.