Original subtitles

Robbie Sinclair needs only to sink this putt

to win the legendary and prestigious Greater Pangaea Open.

This one's given the players fits all tournament long.

Is it the slick green, the left to right break,

or the fiberglass caveman on the fairway?

- Oh! - Aw, jeez. Aw. Oh, well.

Miniature golf's for kids anyway.

Hey, what do you say we play that game where we whack the gophers on the head?

I thought your dad said you had to be home by six.

Ah, so, I'm five minutes late. Big deal. What's he gonna do?

Attention, Robert Sinclair, your dad is here.

Ah, I don't believe it! He's always on my case about something.

I'm really tired of it. I swear, this time I'll tell him where to get off.

Attention, Robbie, he looks really steamed.

Uh... I'll be in the windmill.

- OK. - Aah!

- There you are. - Dad, what are you doing here?

- You see this grass? - Huh?

- Do you recognize it? - Heh.

Well, you should. Because this is the grass I asked you to mow!

I told you the lawn mower's broken.

Scissors! Cut it with scissors!

Aw, c'mon, don't be ridiculous.

- Jeez, you kids have it too easy. - Ah.

When I was your age we didn't have lawn mowers.

We didn't have scissors.

I had to get down on my hands and knees and graze like a cow.

Dad!

- Oh, no. - Dad, I'm here with a girl.

It might help if you didn't make me look like the world's biggest weenie.

Oh, well, pardon me, Mr. Dignified. I didn't mean to belittle you

as you were about to hit the ball up the clown's pants.

Could we possibly talk about this when I get home?

That seems fair.

We're home, now talk.

- All right. Well, for one thing... - I don't want to hear about it.

- What's going on? - Aw, jeez.

Fight, fight, fight!

- There's not going to be any fighting. - Yes, there is.

Round one.

He's always on my case. Every day it's the same thing.

He comes home and says, "Frannie, give me a beer"

and then he yells at me about something.

Oh, not true. Sometimes I yell at you first.

- Oh, good one! - Shh!

- All he cares about is his stupid lawn! - Yeah, yeah!

Give me one good reason why it has to get cut today.

- And make it a good one! - Because I say so.

Ah, that's not good.

- That's not a reason, Dad. - No, no!

Why should I have to accept these lame parental clichés?

'Cause as long as you live under my roof, you live by my rules.

You gonna take that?

Enough!

We'll stop this belligerent behavior

and we're going to sit down and talk.

Talking to him doesn't do any good, Mom!

- Bite him! - Everything's a fight with this kid!

All I ask is that you do everything I say, exactly how I say it,

immediately and without question.

- Now, is that being so unreasonable? - I am tired of this, Dad.

- Yeah! - I'm not some stupid little kid

- you can push around anymore! - Oh, yeah?

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Yeah! Get him!

Look at this, Frannie. He's baring his teeth at me.

- Robert! That is your father. - So?

Come on.

Show 'em and lose 'em, pal.

Honey, I'm home.

Aaah!

- Ohh! - Ow!

- Ow! - Ooh!

Aah!

Way to stand up to your father, kid. It took a lot of guts.

Yeah? You like the part where I burst into tears

and ran sobbing up to my room?

- It wasn't your finest moment. - Yeah.

You know, watching you scrub that tile reminds me

of the way Grandpa Louie used to punish your Uncle Stan.

Is this another story from a thousand years ago?

You got someplace to go, grout boy?

So, Grandpa Louie used to pick on Uncle Stan...

Oh, yeah. They fought all the time.

It got so bad that Stan finally invoked the code of the wilderness.

- Really? - Yeah.

Back then the younger male could challenge the dominant male

for supremacy. And if he won,

he got to lead the pack.

You mean they actually fought it out?

Oh, yeah.

It was savage, but darn entertaining.

We didn't have TV back then. We had to make our own fun.

Did Uncle Stan win? Did he get his dad off his back?

Not quite. What he got was three broken ribs and a punctured lung.

He stood up for himself. I bet his dad didn't push him around.

Well, we all pushed him around until he got out of the wheelchair.

Yeah! I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna challenge my dad!

Wait, Robbie, it's just a colorful anecdote from an old lady.

Yeah, yeah. We're gonna see who's boss the old-fashioned way.

Oh, no.

By the savage and brutal ritual that defines us as dinosaurs!

First, you need to fill out your five page

"challenge for supremacy" application packet.

Once that's completed legibly with a number two pencil,

then you need to fill out your personality profile

and complete the essay portion:

"What being a supreme male means to me."

Essay? He challenged my supremacy

- and then dragged me down here. - Yeah.

I want to teach this ungrateful kid a lesson.

- Well, come on, then! - Believe me, sir,

a cogent, well-structured essay can be a powerful teaching tool.

What's with all this paperwork? We came down here to do battle.

- Yeah. - Youngster, you'll do well to focus

some of that pent-up aggression on these forms.

You need to press hard.

Ha! You have a lot of carbons to go through.

- Can't we do this like the old days? - Yeah.

- Huh? - Oh. Ahem.

How do you mean?

I mean, fight it out,

do battle until this old geezer

lies beaten in the dirt, crying for mercy.

- You got a big mouth. - Yeah.

Let's see how it looks without teeth!

Ooh, yeah. C'mon, c'mon.

Oh, these threats of violence.

Is it getting warm in here?

C'mon, c'mon.

Oh. Oh, I know I should be good and follow procedures,

but there's a ruffian inside me, Mom, that's saying,

"let's get physical!" Oh, yes.

"Pit of death"?

You see, underneath it all,

I've always been a code of the wilderness guy.

Uh, say, this, uh, uh, "death" sign here...?

That's just a figure of speech, right?

Oh, no.

This is the rough-and-tumble world of brutal male supremacy.

So, you talk a tough game, but when it comes time to go toe-to-toe

with the mighty megalosaurus it's a different story.

Oh, yeah? I'm not scared of you.

Then let's go.

All right. Fine with me.

Fine. Come on.

Ahem.

Let's get ready to rumble!

Yeah, all right.

- Let's go, boys. - I'm ready, I'm ready.

Good luck.

Earl?

Earl!

- Hi, honey. - Earl?

What is going on here?

Just providing the kid with some much needed discipline.

That doesn't scare me.

Are either of these fellows an organ donor?

Earl, I want to talk to you right now!

It'll have to wait till one of us is dead, dear.

Whoa!

Can't you stop this?

This is not something that you'd, uh, understand, dearie.

Sometimes we males have to throw off the constraints of civilization

and go at it like brutes!

You don't scare me!

If you harm one scale on that boy's head, so help me, I'll...

I'll disconnect your premium cable channel!

You'd make me watch basic?

Yes! Yes! A takedown! Check it out!

Down. Down. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

It's over.

We have achieved dominant position.

No death. No dismemberment. Darn.

Come on, young fella.

Thanks a lot, Fran.

You are the new supreme male of your household.

- Yes! - And so,

I present you with the ultimate symbol of male supremacy:

the TV remote control!

Yes! Ha ha ha ha! Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

Huh.

Hmm.

Huh.

Ah. Good morning.

Try afternoon. We thought you were never gonna get up.

Well, that's how it is when you're supreme male.

- Yeah. - You can get up or you can not get up.

You can get up and then go back to bed again.

Or you can not go to bed at all.

Can you shut up?

- Sure... if I want to. - Oh, boy.

Ah. Whatcha reading?

This is all the stuff they sent you

from the office of male supremacy.

- Uh-huh. - So, you gonna read it?

Ah, later. Right now I have "supreme duties" to attend to.

I gotta kick back, watch a little tube,

and order up a pizza for breakfast.

- Great. - 'Cause I can, you know.

Geek.

Hey! Turn that down in there!

- No. - Okey-dokey.

Wimp!

Well, that was pretty emasculating.

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, I understand. Yeah, it's too painful.

The fact that your son can now physically dominate you

must have you sensing your vast age.

- Can we change the subject? - Gee, Earl,

maybe we should talk about this.

Now, where do you think this anger is coming from?

Bring me a root beer!

From in there, Roy! From in the living room!

He took my life, Roy.

Well, you weren't doing anything with it.

Jeez.

Don't you understand?

If I can't be the supreme male in my own household, what am I?

What am I?

- I'm a lost soul. - Yeah.

Oop. I...

There, there, big guy. Let it out. Yeah.

A little crying now and then doesn't make you any less masculine.

Uh...

Then again, this blubbering

does tend toward the sissy side.

Yeah.

- Sorry. - Come on.

You gotta look at this as an opportunity.

Sure, you lost control of your house and your family

and everything you've worked so hard for...

But now you've got time for a hobby.

Yeah, yeah.

I guess I do have more free time now.

There's a world of possibilities.

Yeah. I could... expand my mind.

Yeah. There's something you've been neglecting for a while.

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

I could, uh, take up painting.

- Yeah, or you could study optometry. - I could read the classics.

- Hmm. - Yeah.

Or we could shoot some pool.

Better!

- You know something, Roy? - What?

I feel a great weight has just been lifted off my shoulders.

Yeah.

And dumped on Robbie's.

Ugh, I have to get a job?

- And maintain the household. - Ugh.

Finance the children's education,

- provide food and clothing for the family and... - And pay the bills.

How come you didn't tell me about this before I challenged Dad?

Well, I certainly would have if you or your father had bothered

to consult with me before you ran off to kill each other.

Mom! Can't you do something about this?

My hands are tied, Charlene. The law's the law.

Now Robbie's in over his head. So, he'll have to try and make the best of it.

Oh, so you don't think I can handle this?

OK, go ahead. Ask me something.

OK. What are three tax advantages of a variable annuity?

That's so easy.

Don't waste my time, 'cause I gotta go get a job.

Hey, and I'm gonna get a good one, too.

I can do this "head of household" thing.

Hi, everybody, I'm home. Hey, what's for dinner?

Well, it didn't take you long to find a job.

Well, I am a B-plus student and employers are always looking

for someone with creative and organizational skills.

Why are you wearing knee pads?

Because I'm a root puller, OK?

I didn't have time to sit through all the other offers.

- It sounds like interesting work. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, you'd think so from the flashy title, and yet in the topsy-turvy world

of landscaping, it's actually not one of the glamour jobs.

- Read me a story. A long one. - Huh?

Over and over. And act out all the parts.

Look, I'm bushed. So if it's OK with everybody,

I'm just gonna sit here and watch TV for awhile.

Before you get involved, a few things need your attention.

The property tax is due and we're overdrawn at the bank.

- Yeah. - There's a leak somewhere in the roof.

And the baby bit the mail carrier.

And I need help with my geology homework.

Jeez, I just got home. Can't any of this wait? I had a really rough day.

- Oh, too bad. - Huh?

- I had a really neat day. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now that I don't have to support all you dependents,

I realized I can spend all the money I earn on myself.

Oh! Ah. I want. Give it.

And so you decided to buy this?

I didn't buy it, I won it,

and all this other neat stuff, playing skeeball.

How much skeeball?

- 83 bucks worth. - Now, Earl,

just because you don't have to pay the bills

doesn't mean you should fritter your money away.

Oh, please, Fran. I've got it under control.

Oh! Gumball?

Hey, could we keep the chatter down here?

- Hey, I still need help with this. - Read me a story.

Can I just have a minute's peace? I was at work all day!

Robbie, you are the supreme male. These are your responsibilities now.

If you can't handle them, maybe you should turn them over

to someone with more maturity.

Whoa! Fran! I can see your underwear.

Oh! Oh!

OK, OK, everybody, listen up, listen up!

Now, look, I can handle all this stuff, OK?

There's an hour of daylight left,

so I'll look at the leak in the roof first.

Then get me the number of this tax guy.

I'll call his office and ask for an extension.

Then, I'll send a gift basket to the mail carrier.

Uh, we'll look at your homework after dinner.

- Oh, good. - And after that I'll read to you.

- Ahh. - Oh!

Oh, I won't be home for dinner.

Roy and I are going down to the mall

- to cruise the food court. - Uh, excuse me,

- isn't it a work night? - Oh, but Roy's going.

Well, I'm not Roy's father. Oh, I see, you're testing me.

Well, I think you're at an age now

where you're mature enough to make your own decisions.

Oh, cool! Have some wax lips.

Now, I had a very hard day, but I handled that without yelling at you.

- Oh, you're swell. - Heh heh. Yeah, you see?

It is possible to work all day and handle these domestic problems

without letting it beat you down.

Hi.

Jeez.

- Robbie? - What?

Ooh. Um, tell me a story.

Life stinks. The end.

- Robbie! - I've had a lousy day at work.

Look, I'm sorry you've had a rough day, but we've got problems here.

The baby flushed his caveman doll down the toilet and now it's backed up.

So?

So, we don't have a working bathroom.

We live in a forest! There's nothing but bathrooms!

Trees and bushes as far as the eye can see!

Fine. If you won't fix it,

- we'll have to pay a plumber. - Oh, no!

You're not spending my hard-earned money on some overpriced wrench jockey!

Oh, Robbie!

- Yeah? What? - Oh!

- Heh! - Uh... Mama!

Um, um, um, um, um...

- What? - Oh! Uh, well,

since you've been helping me with my homework,

I've got a shot at getting my first B.

- What is it? - Oh, so, um, I was wondering,

could you help me find the continent of Pangaea on this map?

- You're grounded for a week. - For what?

Stupidity!

Well, you can't ground me for that.

Are we trying for a month?

Yeah, but... Oh! Oh, brothers! You are... Oh!

Hey, and shut that door. Do I have to air condition the whole neighborhood?

Um, Robbie?

- What? - Ooh. Um...

Oops! I dropped Binky. Get it, please.

OK. Jeez.

- Ow! - Ha ha ha.

- Amateur! - Ow. Oh...

- I want not-the-mama. - Yeah, yeah, me too.

He promised to mow the lawn.

He's out gallivanting around while the grass is out there growing!

Hey, hurry up there, pally boy!

Quiet! You're ruining my concentration.

Huh, here it comes.

- Hey... hey, hey, hey... - I can three-putt from there.

Earl Sinclair, your son is here and he looks pretty steamed.

Eh, busted.

Oh, jeez, he's always on my case.

Hey! What does this look like to you?

Am I allowed to help?

- Well? - Um, I don't know.

It's grass! And do you know what grass?

The same grass I told you to mow last night.

The same grass I told you to mow this morning.

Just like I have to tell you everything three times!

Well, things are going to start changing, mister,

because I am fed up! I have had it!

I... I can't take it anymore!

There's bills, and... and taxes, and...

and the baby, and the toilet went...

Maybe we should let the next foursome play through.

There, there, son.

I know exactly what you're trying to say.

You have had a rough time as supreme male,

what with the job and the household

and responsibilities way past your years.

And the baby hit me on the head with a big heavy...

Round thing, yeah.

And you want me to take over again as head of the household,

so you can go back to being the carefree teenager again.

Is that right?

Yes, Daddy.

Well, forget it!

Now, get off my leg. I'm putting for birdie.

But you have to take over.

Not a chance.

I'm having the time of my life and nothing's gonna make me give it up.

Earl Sinclair, more bad news. Your wife is here.

Oh!

Gee, this really is a family fun center.

Oh. Oh, Mommy, tell him to be supreme male again.

Can't make me.

All right, that's enough from both of you.

He can't handle the household

- and it's time you started acting like an adult again. - Don't wanna.

We're going right down to the office of male supremacy

and have you reinstated as head of the house.

Why should I?

Earl, do you mean to tell me

there is nothing you miss about being an adult?

Um...

Not off the top of my head.

What about Thursday nights?

Our Thursday nights?

Thursday nights are for adults only, Earl.

Oh, jeez.

Come on, son, let's go.

Listen, Dad, I'm sorry I challenged you.

I thought getting to do everything I wanted would be great,

but this whole thing has taught me a valuable lesson.

That with freedom comes responsibility?

No. That your life bites. No wonder you yell at me.

I'll just stay out of your way from now on.

Yeah, thanks. And you know,

I learned something about your life too.

That it's frustrating being under someone else's control all the time?

No. That it's way better than mine.

Um, you're not gonna hold that against me, are you?

Every chance I get.

- Figures. - 'Cause you see, son,

it's one of my responsibilities as a parent

to wean you from life's joy

and prepare you for the relentless heartache that is adulthood.

Jeez.

- Gumball? - Huh?

Oh. Thanks.

Come on.