Original subtitles

I don't wanna go.

- You have to go. - It's just a stupid camping trip.

It's the great hunt.

Nobody hunts anything. What's the point?

The point is it's a profound and sacred tradition

where all male dinosaurs connect with their primitive past

and celebrate their primal savagery.

Dehydrated beef stroganoff?

Sacred dehydrated beef stroganoff.

Face it, Dad, we're civilized now.

We gave up all that primitive savage stuff a long time ago.

It's all just a lame excuse for a camping trip.

It's a sacred ritual and it's even more sacreder this year

because your father has been selected by his tribal brethren

to play the part of the fierce and awesome warrior chief.

Here's your sweater, chief.

I clipped on your mittens so you won't lose them this time.

Oh, thanks. Hey, Fran, you appreciate family traditions.

Would you please explain to your son here

- the significance of the great hunt? - Well, as I understand it...

It's a camping trip.

Forget all of you.

It's a sublime and beautiful experience

only a fellow male can appreciate.

Hey, road trip.

Hail, fellow warrior.

- Roar! - Roar!

Roar, roar, roar!

Are the other warriors ready to head out?

Oh, just as soon as Sid gets here with the de-humidifier.

- Oogety-boogety. - Boo.

La, la, la. He's all yours.

Mindy invited me over for the weekend.

- I am outta here. Ha! - Oh, Charlene,

are you sure you wouldn't rather stay here?

Monica and Lena are coming over. It'll be just us girls.

Gee, Mom, it sounds great, but it might be actually too much fun

and the rest of my life would be just a big letdown. Bye.

On my way. Oh, uh, bye, Dad. Have a fun camping trip.

- Sacred ritual. - Whatever.

Well, sweetheart, are you all excited about your trip?

Yeah. Wanna go hunting.

Well, at least one of my sons isn't afraid of being a male.

Oh, gimme a break.

Got your duffel bag all packed?

Yeah. Where's Mama's duffel bag?

- Mama's not going. - Mama's not going?

Hey, little guy, we're gonna have a great time.

Don't let him take me! Mama!

Earl, don't be too rough. He's just a baby.

Now don't worry, Frannie.

He leaves here a sensitive, carefree, uninhibited soul.

But he'll come back a male. Ahh...

Mama! Don't wanna be a male! Don't let him take me!

Don't let him take me!

Are they gone?

Yes.

All right. I'm taking off my girdle.

Stand back.

Oh... no...

Honey, I'm home.

Aaah!

- Ohh! - Ow!

- Ow! - Ooh!

Aah!

Yeah. Hey, I think this is the sacred ritual spot.

Oh, yeah. It doesn't get any more sacred than this.

- You betcha. - Hey, hey.

Yep, love it.

Well then, as warrior chief,

I say we begin part one of the ancient ceremony right now.

Beer break!

Yes!

- Where's the cooler? - Oh, Robbie!

Uh, which part of the ceremony is this, Dad?

The ancient rite of making the son carry all your gear?

No.

This is the ancient rite

of making the son stay far behind the others,

so we don't have to listen to his whining.

That's funny.

You know, guys, it doesn't get any better than this.

Out here with my best buds in the bosom of nature, I feel totally at home.

I'm with ya there.

Out here I feel comfortable enough

to express my true aggressive nature.

- Spi... spi... - What?

Spi... spi... spi... spi... spi... spi...

Spider!

Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!!

Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!

Yo, guys!

I think the ferocious garden spider's gone now.

You warriors can relax.

- Close one there, Earl. Jeez. - Yeah.

You know, it's true what they say.

A brush with one's own mortality changes a guy.

I feel strangely calm now,

with an... awakened deep inner longing for life. Hmm...

- I could go for a beer too. - Whoa!

Tall frosty boy comin' right at ya.

Whoop. This isn't beer.

This is coffee!

- Huh? - What?

International coffee. We can't drink this.

Where's the beer?

How'd all this beer get in here?

Why ask why?

Mother?

The universe acts in mysterious and wonderful ways, Fran.

And so do I. Toss me a cold one.

Oh, gosh, I haven't had a beer in a long time.

What do ya say, Fran? Let's split one.

- Well, I suppose I could have a sip. - Yeah.

Just to unwind.

- Lena? - Oh, uh,

Sid doesn't like it if I drink beer.

He says it's, um, unladylike.

When Sid knows what it's like to lay an egg twice the size of your head,

then let him tell ya about what's ladylike.

Beer me, Fran.

- All right. Places, everyone. - Yeah.

Now, do we have all our warriors?

- Yep. - Ready.

Do we have our ferocious, scary beast?

- Yeah. Can somebody zip me up? - Sure.

And warrior Robbie, are you ready to read from the great book of the legend?

Yeah, fine. Anything to get through this ridiculous waste of time.

That's the spirit.

And now let the great hunt begin.

- Yeah. - Cue.

Uh, "long ago, when the earth was young

and great dinosaurs roamed the land in savage packs...

there lived a most fierce and awesome warrior."

Duh, I am Earl, a most fierce and awesome warrior.

Uh-huh, OK. Uh...

"One day this mighty warrior and his slightly less mighty warrior friends

- heard the distant pounding of drums." - Hark!

Boom, boom, boom... Boom, boom, boom...

"This could mean but one thing:

headed their way was the most vicious and merciless creature

ever to walk the earth,

the beast with eyes of fire and teeth of stone."

Roar. Roar. Fear me and cower in terror.

- Oh. Sheesh. - Not yet.

Oh, sorry.

Uh, "The female dinosaurs heard the drums too

and as they are wont to do in this kind of situation,

completely lost their heads in flighty hormonal fits of hysteria."

Oh, please.

Where is a male to rescue me?

I am helpless without a male.

"But the males were rocks of courage and fortitude.

- They took up their pointy sticks... - Stick for you and for you.

And headed off into the wilderness

to face the vicious beast with its horrible roar."

Oh, pardon me.

I don't think I've ever felt so relaxed.

Yeah. With the boys gone, there's no one to pick up after.

No laundry, no diapers, no cooking.

- I could get used to this. - Yeah.

Ah, sitting around like a lump,

doing nothing, thinking only of myself.

It's just like being a guy.

- What else do guys do? - They scratch themselves.

Well, I'm game.

Oh.

Ahh...

That wasn't half bad. What else?

Well, they eat salted snacks and watch TV.

- Well, all right. - OK.

What an exciting first quarter of action:

two teams going horn to horn in what may be the oldest grudge match

- in professional football. - Football, nah.

Not so fast! Look at those uniforms.

Oh, what an appealing color pallet.

Forget the color. Look how tight those pants are.

- Ooh... - Mm-hmm...

"After days and days in the deepest, darkest part of the forest,

the great hunters knew they were close.

They could smell the stench of the hideous beast thick in the air."

Sorry, guys. Must have been the sacred stroganoff.

Roy! Sheesh.

Well...

"Suddenly, from behind a wall of trees,

the giant gruesome beast emerged,

greeting them with an earth-shattering roar."

Roar! Fear me and cower, for I am vast and ferocious,

like no beast you have ever seen.

Tremble in my terrible presence.

"But the warriors were not afraid. They bravely stood their ground."

Roar. Hee hee.

- Whoa! - Wait a minute!

A little too scary and ferocious for you, huh?

Roar.

Nice costume.

Ahh...

- What's it doing now? - Brace yourself, Sid.

- What? - He's going for your gas grill.

Not the grill!

Oh, jeez! It was so young. - I'm so sorry.

Well, there it all goes.

The food, the tents, the barbecue grill, the electric blankets.

Everything we brought is in his stomach, and we're next.

Hey, I saved the cooler.

- Oh, well I spoke too soon. - What?

Looks like we won't go hungry after all,

because we've got coffee from all over the world!

Yeah, great goin', Gus.

Now we'll be wide awake when he chews our faces off!

Hey, I didn't see you out there fightin' for the pimento loaf.

What do you want from me? He's the chief.

Me? Me?! What are you talking about? You were ahead of me!

I didn't see you taking the pointy stick and defending me.

Ha! Huh?

Oh!

Peek-a-boo, I see you!

Huh?

- Uh, guys... guys. - He's trying to get in!

He's gonna eat us!

- Feed it Roy! I'll get his hind end. - Yeah, yeah...

Huh? No, I don't like that idea.

Wait a minute! I've got beef jerky.

- We'll feed him this. - Good idea, son.

Yeah.

He'll be chewing on that for a week.

Great idea, son!

Yeah, that's my boy!

"Feed it Roy?"

- Well... uh... - Hey...

takes the kick on the five, the ten...

- He breaks right! Up the sideline! - Take him down!

- Go for his knees! - Kick him where it hurts!

- He's going all the way! - No... oh...

- Touchdown! - Oh, no!

- You stink! - Boo!

Oh, no! They shot him!

And that's the first half. We'll be back right after these messages.

Hey, there's a tractor pull on Channel 49.

No, no, no, no, no. Switch back to wrestling.

I wanna see the guy in the tights.

Yeah. Yeah!

Hey, right, yeah...

Baby got back! Whoa!

Fatty roast beef with lots of melted cheese.

Oh, fresh coconut squares hot from the oven.

Gobs of cookie dough straight out of the tube.

- Chocolate brownies. - Stop!

I can't take it anymore. It's been 18 hours!

If I don't get something to eat now, I'm really gonna lose it. I swear!

Whatcha lookin' at, Uncle Sid?

Hmm, oh, boy, fresh leg of lamb!

- Sid! Sid, please! - Get away from me!

Hey!

We didn't come out here into the wilderness to fight each other.

We came out here for the great hunt, right?

- Yeah. - Well, now's our chance.

There's a real beast out there. I say we go hunt him down!

- Yeah. - Together, we can do it!

All right!

Let's show that towering mass of death who owns this jungle!

- Right! - Yeah!

- Well... - Um...

We were all with you, son,

right up until the "towering mass of death" part.

- Hmm, what he said. - We really should do something.

Yeah, but we mustn't act in haste.

- Ah. - Wait. I suggest that we have a meeting

and discuss Robbie's proposal at length.

- Ah. - - Someone has to moderate.

Yeah, and who's gonna take the minutes?

Oh! I will. Does anybody have a pen? Oh, Robbie's got a pen.

- Hey, Robbie, could I...? - I can't write, so...

Where'd he go?

- Oh... - Robbie?!

Robbie?!

Oh, my gosh!

That brave, brave boy.

Risking his life to look for a pen.

Try not to dwell on it, pally boy.

Don't think of that massive multi-toothed monster

as he clutched your helpless son

and sucked the tender meat off his bones.

Aw, jeez, I'm gettin' hungry again.

- Rob? - Dad!

- I'm back and I brought food! - Huh?

Oh, my son!

It was amazing! There I was, alone in the woods

with nothing but my two bare hands.

Yeah, fascinating. Uh, perhaps if we talk about it over dinner?

Wait. N-n-n-no! It was incredible. I drew on my primitive instincts

and stalked it just like our ancestors did.

And then, when there was no escape,

I plunged my pointy stick savagely into its heart,

and at that moment I knew I was a hunter!

Do you know what that feels like?

- Duh... - Well, uh...

I hit something driving to work once.

I think it was a cat.

Well, it was either him or me.

Well, good story. We're all proud of you, son. Let's eat.

Yeah, food.

What's for dessert?

What? What?

N-n-n-no, guys! Guys! It's OK, really.

Don't you see? Look, I went out there, I hunted and killed.

That hunter instinct is alive in all of us.

Together, we can take on that beast!

Um, no, we can't.

Why? What's holding you back?

- Fear. - Fatigue.

Low self-esteem.

But isn't that why we came out here?

To rediscover the primitive dinosaur within each of us?

Gee, I don't know, son.

We are dinosaurs and therefore there's a primitive, brutal beast in each of us.

And yet we're also civilized

and so we've all turned into a big bunch of wussies.

The duality of the male experience.

- Yeah. - Wow.

Robbie's just introduced a heady concept to the group.

- Hmm, yes. - I feel a need to explore

- this emotional dichotomy. - Yeah.

We've got some international coffees.

Why don't I brew up a fresh pot?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

You know, I never took a close look and examined the real...

I just feel I don't have the emotional tools

to really connect with the "me" I wanna be.

- I'm hearing you. - Yeah.

- We're connecting. - Guys, I'd like to share.

- Ah... - Go ahead, Earl.

I so much want to be the wild beast,

to roam the forest primeval for months at a time...

- Go on. - And yet I'm torn.

I can only program my VCR two weeks in advance.

Ahh.

More mocha cream?

No thanks, Sid.

Uh, guys, there's a monster outside.

Robbie...

Perhaps it's more important

that each of us grapple with the monster in here.

- Good point, Gus. - Well said, Gus.

You know, this is beautiful.

We're all exploring our feminine sides here and that's OK.

Uh-huh.

It's healthy to get in touch with those qualities

that make females the sensitive, nurturing types they are.

- Pull my finger. - Oh, Mother, not again.

Hey, Fran, toss me another cold one.

Here ya go.

Good catch.

- You know, I was just thinking of Earl. - Yeah.

How he has that way of always saying something absolutely idiotic,

and I listen patiently,

and I just want to wring his chubby neck.

Hmm.

I think I'm starting to miss the guy.

- You know, Sid's really stupid too. - Yeah?

As a matter of fact, the only reason I married him

is that he has a nice butt.

I wonder what those boneheads are doing right now.

Probably prancing around buck-naked, slapping each other with towels,

and whooping like jungle beasts.

Well...

So what are we doin' here?

Let's go get 'em, girls!

Road trip!

♪ Kumbaya ♪

♪ Kumbaya ♪

- Nice harmony. - Thanks.

- Oh, this is a special time. - Yeah.

You know, I think back to when we first came into this cave,

and I'm almost ashamed of my behavior.

- Aww. - Hey, none of that talk here, fella.

Oh, no, the monster's back!

I'm afraid!

We validate your fear!

Yay! This is fun!

Dad, I want you to know,

even though we're about to die, I'm glad I came along!

I've learned a lot about myself and what it means to be a male! Ahh!

- Ahh! - Me too, son!

I've learned it takes a lot of courage and strength to express your emotions.

And I'd like to hug you, but...

I'm paralyzed with fear!

- There they are! - Huh?

- Found 'em. - Mama!

- Frannie! - What happened to the monster?

- Monster? - Huh?

Oh, you mean the guy that was in our way. Ahh.

Monica took him down with her tail. The rest of us finished him off.

Yeah?

Mom's out there gutting him right now.

But enough about him, sugar, you know what I want.

Fran, have you been drinking?

You bet!

I've got my beer goggles on

and you are lookin' mighty fine.

Now... now, now, now, just hold on!

You can't just turn me on and off like a light switch.

I'm coming from a very vulnerable place right now.

- Take off your shirt. - Well, excuse me,

but we are not going to be reduced to pieces of meat.

I demand that we be recognized for the other things we have to offer.

Mm-hmm.

- All right, Earl, I recognize you. - Thank you.

Now, there's a huge dead beast out there.

Why don't you take it home, clean it, cook it, and get it on the table?

And after dinner,

how 'bout you make yourself nice and pretty for Mama?

- Let's go, Lena. - Right.

- See you at home, Earl. - - I'll wait up for you, Sid.

Yeah, well, I guess she told you.

Oh, I don't know.

Something tells me that when I get home tonight,

I might just have a headache.

Huh?

Oh.