Original subtitles

- We're going now, Earl. - Uh-huh.

I'm picking up Charlene's dry cleaning,

then I'm going to the pediatrician,

but I should be back in time to take Robbie to soccer practice.

And then I'm going to take off all my clothes

- and dance naked in the driveway. - Hmm, that's nice, dear.

I want to dance naked.

Earl, do you have to spend every spare second reading that manual?

It's just a car.

Frannie, you are such a female.

First of all, it's a brand-new car,

and as such it is a reflection of who I am.

It is a bulky, bottom-of-the-line fuel guzzler

with no pickup, no options,

and it's completely owned by the bank.

Love you, too.

- I don't know why I bother with him. - Me neither.

- Up we go. - Careful.

So, Dad, when do I get to take her for a spin?

It's a brand-new car, son. It's not meant to be driven.

You just let Mom take it.

Son, your mother is a capable, responsible...

What?

Wait for me!

Ooh.

Where are we going?

Your father is driving us to the doctor.

Doctor? Uh-uh, no way, not going!

- Turn around! - How about a cupcake?

- Hmm? - Ooh.

Cupcake! Gimme, gimme.

Hey, you're giving the kid a cupcake in a new car?

- Mama, gimme... - What are you thinking about?

Him. He gets a little nervous when I take him to the pediatrician

so I'm trying to make the whole experience a little more positive.

- It's called parenting, Earl. - Oh, please!

I've been parenting for 15 years.

No one has to tell me how to be a good dad.

You get one crumb on that seat and you're crawling home, buster.

Very nurturing.

Whoa! All right, there's a crumb. That's it.

- Give it to me right now. - No.

- Come on, hand it over. - No!

- Give it to me. Come on. - No, no, no! It's mine, mine!

- Give me that cupcake! - Whoa!

- My car! - My cupcake!

- Watch the road! - I can only do one thing at a time!

- My cupcake! Gimme! - Look out!

- Aaah! - Aaah!

Happy now? You nearly got us all stepped on.

Gimme my cupcake!

What cupcake?

Earl, that was horrible.

Actually, it's quite moist.

Oh, quit faking or I'll give you something to really cry about.

Oh, great. This is great.

This is just what I need.

Cut that out.

Hello, officer.

Any problem?

- License, please. - Certainly.

Not your driver's license, your parent's license.

I'm with the Parent Patrol,

and you're in a lot of trouble, mister.

Honey, I'm home.

Aaah!

- Ohh! - Ow!

- Ow! - Ooh!

Aah!

Well, Earl, see what happens when you lose your temper?

Oh, please. He's just the Parent Patrol.

- It's not like he's the real police. - Beg your pardon?

Oh, uh, nothing.

So, what's the problem, officer?

Did I stop in a no diapering zone?

Parent Code section seven, paragraph three.

A crying child must be handled with sympathy and patience.

You were screaming at the boy, Mr. Sinclair.

I'm giving you a citation.

- Huh? - Just like the real police.

We're very sorry, officer. It won't happen again.

- Uh-huh. - Now, now, now...

Wait a second. Surely we can talk about this.

After all, this is kind of a coincidence.

A coincidence? How?

Well, that ticket has my name on it,

and I do believe that this crisp one dollar bill

has your name on it.

Wouldn't you call that coincidence?

No. I would call that a cheap attempt at bribery.

What if it was a five?

- Earl. - Oh, smoo.

Uh-huh.

What?! Oh, come on, you're not giving me another ticket!

Section nine, paragraph four:

setting a bad moral example for a child.

One more violation and you're gonna lose your parent's license.

- Really? - No one's talking to you.

He took my cupcake and ate it right in front of me!

- Shh! - That should do it.

- What? - Your parent's license is hereby suspended

pending recertification at parenting school.

Here's a copy of your parenting manual.

Study it. Know it.

Be prepared to be tested on it tomorrow at 8:00 AM.

But I can't. I'm going fishing tomorrow.

- Fishing, huh? - Mm-hmm.

Well, it looks like you just hooked yourself a whole lot of trouble.

Are we there yet?

So what'd they nail you for, huh?

Just yelling at the kid. You?

Missed a diaper change.

Boy, you let one lousy week go by, they jump down your throat.

Yeah. Well, the whole system stinks, if you ask me.

I mean, you don't need a license to go fishing or own a gun.

But being a parent? For that you need a license.

Go figure.

Well, I'm not gonna get hauled in here again.

I read this parent manual cover to cover.

Yeah, me too.

I was up all night cramming.

Um, how about you, pal?

Oh, please. I spent 15 years raising three kids.

The only thing I'd use that manual for is to whack their butts.

Good morning, parents. Would you take your places, please?

I'm Officer Brazelton.

I'm the official examiner here and a skilled father of four.

And I'm very disappointed in all of you.

But I believe there is no such thing as a bad parent,

- only bad parenting. - Yeah.

And I'm sure all of you can earn your licenses back

by simply applying what you've learned from studying the manual.

Now, we're going to begin

by simulating a series of actual parenting situations.

- Oh, boy. - For our first test...

we're going to pretend

that your child has had a little accident.

Hey!

Now, how do you handle it?

Hmm, let's see now.

It's OK, son. You're a good boy.

You just did a bad thing.

Oh. I love you, Papa.

Aww.

Ah, very good. Textbook response.

Um, if we make a mess,

I have to... Yeah, that's it, yeah, clean it up.

That's it. Uh, let's do it together, OK?

Excellent. Very supportive.

- Thank you, Daddy. - Sure.

Hmm.

- Ick. - Well, son,

it looks like you had a little accident.

- You're gonna yell at me? - Of course not, son.

- Oh. - My heart is filled only with love.

Ah.

An unconditional love.

A love that loves not in spite of your little mistakes

but because of them.

- Really? - Yes.

- Well, love this! - Aah!

That's it, you little pink monster!

- I'm gonna wring your neck! - What the...?

Uh-uh-uh!

Hmm.

Hello, I'm Dr. Brazelton,

and I have to give your child

a very scary and painful shot.

- Huh? - Aw, tell you what, pal,

when the doctor's done,

how about we go to the park and ride on the merry-go-round?

OK, Papa, I'll be brave.

OK, now, remember, the doctor is our friend.

But there was this one little boy

who wouldn't let the doctor give him a shot.

- And you know what happened to him? - Uh-uh.

His toes fell off, his eyes melted and his head swelled up!

OK, doc, he's out. Stick him.

Pow, pow, pow!

Mr. Sinclair, what are you doing?

Well, he told me his imaginary friend was scaring him,

so I took out my imaginary gun

and blew off his imaginary head.

You killed him! You killed Snooky!

Hey, your daddy fixed it.

- He's stone dead. - No, no, no, no, no, no!

Huh? Pretty good.

Just came up with a little improvisation.

Mr. Sinclair, normally for such a reprehensible display I deduct points.

- But you don't have any! - Oh.

- Points are good? - Let me spell it out for you.

You failed. You can take the test again in 30 days.

Until then, your license is suspended.

And that means absolutely no parenting! You got me?

Yeah, I got you.

- Now study this. - Oof!

Maybe it'll teach you some respect for parent education.

Respect that.

Earl, I don't think that's a good idea.

Nobody's gonna tell me when and where I can parent.

This is my house. These are my kids and I love 'em.

- Hey, Dad? - Shut up, I'm talking.

Earl! What is it, Robbie?

Well, I was wondering if I could borrow the car.

- Well, I don't see a... - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, I'm still in charge here,

and I say I don't want your greasy green fingers

- even thinking about my car. - Hold it right there.

- Not your decision, Mr. Sinclair. - What are you doing here?

Me? I've been assigned to this residence

to make sure you don't parent without a license.

You can't barge in here like this.

Hey, Dad, now about the car...

- I told you about the car... - Back away from the teenager, sir.

Mrs. Sinclair here is the only licensed parent,

so the decision regarding the use of the car is hers.

Oh. Well...

- All right, you can drive. - Yes!

But I'll go with you and we'll take it nice and slow.

- No problem. - - Hand over the keys...

- Hmm? - Mr. Sinclair.

Yes! Thanks.

- This is nuts! - Yeah, pal!

It's nuts, all right.

It's nuts that guys like you get to be parents,

and it's nuts that I gotta be here in your face

until you pass that test.

I believe this belongs to you.

You got 30 days, mister. Start studying.

♪ La, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la...

Do you mind? I'm trying to study.

Hey! Stop that right now

- or so help me, I'll... - Help! Police!

- Help, police! - No, no!

Mr. Sinclair, you weren't engaged

in any unlicensed parenting, were you, sir?

- No. - All right, sir,

but I got my eye on you.

Right.

Me too.

You're skating on thin ice, buster.

My diaper's itchy.

I think I'll... take it off.

Don't you dare.

Nobody gonna stop me. No parent here, is there?

♪ Boom, boom, boom! ♪

I'm warning you.

I may not be a licensed parent,

but I'm still the adult here.

And I'm telling.

Don't you dare! Don't you...

- I told... Junior! - It's off!

- Fran! Fran! - What's going on in here?

Will you deal with him? He's driving me nuts.

Oh, come on, sweetheart, it's time for your nap.

No, no, no! Not tired, no nap.

- It's nap time. - No, no, no!

Let me stay up, please?

I'll be good.

Well, all right. I guess another half hour wouldn't hurt.

- Yeah! - Let me put your diaper back on.

- OK. - Hey, hey, wait a second.

It says right here

that very young children are creatures of habit

and need a consistent nap time.

Earl, I've raised three children.

I've got my own manual right here.

Your husband is right, Mrs. Sinclair. Section 18, paragraph seven:

An alteration in the sleeping schedule

may actually prove upsetting and disruptive to the child.

- See? - Drop the diaper, ma'am,

- and move away from the infant. - Oh, you must be joking.

Yeah, that's right. It's a joke.

Everything's a big joke to you, isn't it, ma'am?

Well, here's the punchline. I'm writing you a ticket.

Fran, you were saying?

Ma'am.

You have insulted my hut. Now you must pay.

Gee, those kung fu guys are really irritable, huh, Dad?

Robbie, I thought we agreed, no TV until your homework is done.

What difference does it make if I do it before or after?

- Either way it's gonna get done. - Turn the TV off, Robert.

Fran,

in this case I believe that letting Robbie arrange his own schedule

is the best way to go.

After all...

"Teenagers learn to make choices by having choices."

Seems to me we're denying him that opportunity to learn and grow.

Don't you agree, Officer Bettelheim?

Looks like it's just not your day, ma'am.

Your license, please.

Oh, all right.

I guess I could've handled that differently.

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

But I don't see why the manual says

I should enforce some rules and not others.

Well, it's quite simple.

You have to be selective to be effective.

Oh, shut up!

- Mama, let's play. - Not now. I have to finish my ironing.

- No, no, wanna help! - Stop that.

- No, no, no! - I said stop that!

Can I have the car tomorrow after school?

- Yes, I suppose. - Great.

Hold it! You said you'd take me and Mindy to the mall

- and pick us up. - Robbie can do that.

- What? - Mama, look, I'm helping.

No way! I'm not gonna wait around some stupid mall

- for Wide Load and her dippy friend. - Then you can't have the car!

- Ha! - But you just said I could!

Oh, look, I think he's gonna cry. You gonna cry now, baby?

I'll show you some tears, jerk.

- Will you two stop arguing? - Mama, look!

- What do you want?! - See?

I just folded those. Bad boy!

Oh, stop crying.

- Here, Mama's... - Hold it right there, ma'am.

What? I'm just picking him up.

Move away from the child and put your hands on the ironing board.

Is that really necessary?

Parents like you make it necessary, ma'am.

You yelled at the infant, failing to show appropriate restraint.

You were critical of the child instead of his behavior.

You're once, twice, three times a loser, lady.

Your license is suspended.

Officer, please, I'm sorry I lost my temper,

but you can't do this. I'm the only licensed parent here.

Uh-huh. Not exactly.

I'm fully certified.

I didn't know you had children.

I don't, ma'am. But I wouldn't need to be father of the year

to do better than some of you so-called "parents."

- License, please. - But...

I don't like this, Earl.

We just turned our children over to complete strangers.

He knows the parent manual inside out, Fran.

- They're in good hands. - I just don't believe this.

I always thought I was a good parent.

I always thought parenting came from here.

So? Now you know it comes from here.

It's just like with a new car, Fran.

You want to know what to do? Just read the manual.

Now, children,

I recognize this is an unfamiliar interpersonal situation,

so perhaps we should have an informal family dialogue.

- Just line up over here. - OK.

We'll proceed right to left.

Please state your full name and share your feelings.

Go ahead, Robert, share with him what you did to Dad's car.

- Shut up, Charlene. - Son, something I should know?

- Uh... - Yeah, yeah, tell him.

Quiet! You don't know anything about it.

- About what? - Uh, it's a long story.

I like stories, I like 'em just fine.

- Robbie scratched the new car. - Shut up, Porkenstein.

- What did you call me? - Porkenstein! I like that.

- I called you... Aah! - Come here!

Charlene, unhand your brother.

Break it up, missy. Break it up.

Unhand your brother. Stop it.

You youngsters are on a road to ruin.

Break it up now! I will not tolerate

any more personal assaults on Charlene's self-esteem.

- Self-esteem? She has no... - Give me that back, you!

- Give it to me! - Oh, Officer Bettelheim.

- What?! - Did I mention Robbie scratched the car

when he rammed into your motorcycle?

- You're dead! - My... my what?!

That does it! Get over there!

You heard me, dirt bags. Grab some sky.

Do it. You too, pinkie.

Now!

Keep those hands where I can see 'em.

Officer Bettelheim, you put that away right now.

Stay back. There's no telling what these punks might do.

Robbie, Charlene, I want you to go straight to your rooms.

We will sit and discuss this first thing in the morning.

Until then, I really want you to think about

how you could treat each other with a little more respect.

- Now move it! - Oh, yes, Mom!

Go, go, go, go!

And as for you!

Pulling a gun on children.

Officer, what do you think the authorities at Parent Patrol

- would say about that? - I... I don't know what happened.

It's just... Those kids.

And this one. This is no child.

This is a demon, a monster.

- Give me this back! - OK.

You asked for it.

Snack time.

There's nothing in the manual that covers anything like that!

Gotta love me.

Maybe if you had experience as a real parent

you'd know how to handle children without pulling a gun.

Uh, not that I haven't considered that myself.

Hey, look, if the guys downtown ever found out about this,

I'd be out of the department in a second.

So, tell you what.

How about I, uh, give you both your licenses back

and we all forget about this little... nightmare?

Deal?

- Deal. - Thank you.

You sure you don't want this?

Mm-mmm.

Uh-huh.

OK, Fran, let me have it.

You were right, I was wrong.

Good parenting doesn't come from a book.

It comes from the heart. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Fran is perfect, Earl learns another lesson.

I don't know, Earl. You seem to have gotten a lot out of this manual.

Maybe I learned a lesson.

Maybe good parenting begins here,

but when you need a little help you can find it here.

So, you're saying it's not black or white,

- it's a little bit of both? - Mm-hmm.

Wow. Now there's something you never see on TV.

For violating the Parent Code

and displaying severe emotional instability,

Officer Bettelheim was suspended from the Parent Patrol,

allowed to return when he's thought good and hard about what he has done.

For scratching his father's brand new car,

Robert Mark Sinclair was grounded for six to ten years.

He is currently serving his sentence in his room.

And finally, Baby Sinclair

was found guilty on 22 counts of assault with a frying pan.

I was framed!