Original subtitles

I keep telling you, Fran, someday we're gonna want to retire,

and we're gonna have nothing to retire on

if you keep writing those checks.

Frittering our money away on frivolous notions and knick-knacks.

Knick-knacks?

"Wesayso Water and Power."

Seventy-nine bucks!

Water and power? Do we need both?

Earl, the reason we decided that I should pay the bills

is that when you pay the bills you always overreact.

- Oh, my! - "Oh, my"?

What "oh, my"? You never say "oh, my."

We'll worry about this one later.

Oh, no! We'll fly off the handle about it right now!

It's the phone bill and it's just a little more than I expected.

4,563,000 dollars?!

That's our phone number.

Oh. Three hundred dollars.

That's a lot too.

Who's making these calls?

I'm afraid it's Mother, Earl.

But you've got to understand

her only pleasure in the autumn of her life

is talking to friends and relatives.

- She's just a lonely old lady. - She's a lonely old leech,

sucking away our retirement money.

She's a part of this family, Earl.

She contributes just as much as anyone else.

Jean-Claude...

Come on, Grandma, finish story.

Come on! The wolf huffs and puffs, and then what?

Mmm.

Hmm?

Big mistake.

Give it back!

I mean it.

That does it.

Here comes the pouty face.

Huh?

Hey, where you going with my suck toy?

Hey, you! Come back here!

Oh, you're right, Fran.

She is contributing.

Look, she's busy holding down the rug,

doing the work of six or eight carpet tacks.

- She's just tired, Earl. - Dialing fatigue, Fran.

She's worn out from making all those long-distance calls.

- Want suck toy! - What is it, sweetheart?

Want suck toy!

Want, want, want.

He wants a suck toy, she wants to sit on the phone all day,

and you probably got your heart set

on some snazzy new high-price mop.

Well, all these baubles don't come free.

This family's gotta learn you don't get something just because you want it.

Want suck toy!

Oh, wow.

My suck toy.

Hey, let me try this.

Want a cable-ready big screen!

- We need a bigger fireplace. - Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Earl, you don't know where that's been.

- Sure I do. It's been in the chimney. - Yeah.

- It's still perfectly good. - It's dirty, throw it away.

Oh, yeah, let's buy a new one.

And while we're at it, let's buy a new chimney.

- The dirty pacifier's been in it. - It's full of germs.

Trust me, Fran. There's no such thing as germs.

So, who do you like, the little pink kid?

Yeah, he's a real fluff ball, a regular four-star host.

Hey, I say we move in, find a nice warm spot

and make ourselves at home.

- And then trash the place! - Yeah!

- Gimme, gimme, gimme! - Yes.

Earl, if he catches something, you're going to be very sorry.

You worry too much, Fran.

He's the picture of health.

Ah... ah... choo!

"and blew the house down."

Honey, I'm home.

Aaah!

- Ohh! - Ow!

- Ow! - Ooh!

Aah!

This better be good, Fran.

The old family emergency excuse doesn't exactly hold water at work.

- I'd better see some body parts here. - Guess what, Earl?

The baby is sick.

The baby is sick.

Well, it's a good thing that I rushed home

from my important job in the middle of the day

because apparently I'm the only one who can operate

the highly complicated Kleenex machine.

I've seen a lot of phlegm in my time,

but I've never seen this color before.

This is your fault, Earl.

Now you'll take him to the doctor.

Oh, Fran, I'm sure all the little snuffle bunny needs

is a bottle of juice, a nap,

and some TLC from his D-A-D.

♪ Look who's home

Not the mama.

He, um, specifically asked for you, sweetheart.

He needs proper medical attention right now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

These childhood illnesses always look worse than they really are.

Remember Robbie? He had exactly the same thing.

I mean, not the spinning head.

So what would you suggest, Earl?

I suggest we don't spend our money on needless doctor visits.

I'm as smart as those so-called medical experts

with their shiny metal thing on their... up there,

and that wooden tongue stick doo-dah

that they put in your mouth and you go "aah."

And that cold silver listening thing they wear around their, uh...

- I'll go start the car. - And the red rubber hammer thing

that they use to hit you on the bendy part of the leg with.

See? We could've done this at home, Fran.

We got a trash can, we got old magazines.

We got a whole drawer full of...

Yaah! What are these?

Hello, I'm Dr. Ficus. What seems to be the problem today?

It's our baby. He's awfully sick.

Oh, I'm sure it's one of a dozen common childhood illnesses

that we see here every day.

Now, let's take a look-see, shall we?

Look this way.

Whoa. Coming around.

- Yoiks! - "Yoiks"?

Medical term meaning no need to worry, I have everything under control.

Let's take a listen.

Ooh!

Oh.

Ahem. I'll just add that to the bill.

- Doc, you know what it is? - Of course I know what it is,

but rest assured, even if I didn't, I'm a professional.

I'd never admit it in front of you.

You're a straight shooter, doc. Yep. Like it.

Would you step this way, please?

- You going to talk about me? - Only good things, my boy.

Now, in my expert opinion, Mr. and Mrs. Sinclair,

your baby is going to need some remarkably expensive medicine.

Expensive?

How much expensive?

Well, I'll tell you, but please keep in mind

I went to school for many years to be a great healer.

So when I state the actual figure,

my voice will resonate with such authority and confidence

you'll instantly feel you're doing the right thing.

I instantly feel I'm doing the right thing.

One thousand dollars.

One thousand dollars.

Goodness, that's just an awful lot of money.

It's a miracle of the modern age. We call it the blue medicine.

He'll drink it tonight and be better by morning... most likely.

Are you sure it's going to work?

It's blue.

Don't spill any.

How'd you get the big tightwad

to part with all that money?

Oh, it's easy to criticize, isn't it, Ethyl,

but I had a decision to make.

My baby's health was at stake.

And this medicine was the only rational course of action.

- You really believe that? - I have to. I spent a thousand bucks.

In my day, you got sick,

they took you to the guy in the woods.

Oh, here we go with the guy in the woods.

- Now there was a healer. - Sure.

He'd mix up some mud, some roots, a little moss,

fix you up in no time.

- Ooh. - - And what did he charge?

- What? - Two beaver pelts and a roast beef.

Oh, yeah? What would he charge to suture your mouth shut forever?

Open up, sweetheart. Here's your juice.

Blue juice?

It's a special kind of yummy juice

just for special little boys.

♪ Lying to the baby

All right, it's medicine.

Not a chance!

- Now, open up. - Fran.

You're not using proper child psychology.

Open. OK.

- Oh. - That should do it.

How long does it take to work?

Well, now, let me see here. Um...

About that long.

Pretty effective stuff, I'd say.

Can, uh, your guy in the woods do that, Ethyl?

With a glass of warm milk.

The kid's just asleep.

Shh! You'll wake him.

You're absolutely right, sweetheart.

Let's be very quiet...

♪ 'Cause he's getting better

♪ The blue stuff is working

Your attention, please.

Ladies and gentlemen...

I'm kidding. Ladies and germs, a toast,

to modern medicine.

- Modern medicine. - Whoa! What a kick.

I feel like I could... Whoa!

Hey! Good to see you.

Nice to know you.

This blue stuff is great.

We're gonna need more glasses.

There's my little megalosaurus.

Daddy loves you, and he proved it,

by buying very expensive medicine for you.

No more being sick, no more doctors,

no more juice, no more food, no more fun!

We're gonna make you wear tight, scratchy diapers

then take you to a big, scary department store

and leave you there!

Aah!

Frannie, come and take a look at the kid.

I think he's feeling a whole lot better.

I don't know, Earl. I'm not so sure.

- And I'm also not the mama! - And I'm not the papa!

We ate your real family for breakfast.

And now we're gonna eat you!

Don't eat the baby! Not the real mama, not the mama!

Just a hunch, Dad, but I don't think the medicine worked.

It is, too, working.

It just has a small side effect

where the patient gets a lot worse.

Charlene, take that rattle from your brother before he hurts himself.

I'll get it.

Earl, maybe it wasn't enough.

Maybe we need more medicine.

More?

Hello, the known world to Fran.

We just spent every last penny we had on the blue stuff.

You only would've been out a roast beef

if you'd gone to the guy in the woods.

Nobody wants to hear about your lunatic in the forest.

Why don't you just get back on the phone.

It's worth $1.95 a minute

not to have to listen to your toothless yammering yap.

You two stop! We have a sick child.

He's under a doctor's care and we have to trust

that the doctor knows what he's doing.

Go away!

Is that so?

Well, where's your precious doctor now, Fran, when we need him most?

- In the living room. - Oh.

What are you doing here?

Just a routine house call.

I like to check up on all my patients.

We gave the baby the medicine just like you said

and it didn't work at all. We don't know what's wrong.

Mr. Sinclair, I understand you're distraught.

I'm sorry if something I might have said

led you to believe that the blue medicine

was some sort of magical overnight cure. It's not.

This is.

Wow. Orange.

It's the most advanced and complex color

medical science has to offer.

How much?

Before I say...

let me tell you that this medicine...

No, no, no! No resonating.

That resonating cost me a thousand bucks.

Just write it down. Humph!

I'm not falling for that trick again.

There.

Thank you.

Wow.

Look at the penmanship.

Fran, we need this much.

That's even more than the last time.

Oh, Mrs. Sinclair,

can you honestly put a price tag on your child's health?

- Well, you just did. - Fran!

Earl, I just don't know where we'll possibly find this kind of money.

Allow me to introduce my assistant, Brock.

How ya doin'?

Brock will make a full assessment

of your home's current market value

and we can work from there.

I said it was a house call.

Are these original fixtures?

Doctor, you're a healer.

My child is desperately sick.

Surely there's a way for us to pay for this medicine

without selling our house.

- You got a boat? - Oh, no, Fran!

We won't be able to afford this. Now I have to buy a boat!

Doctor, could you excuse us for a few moments?

Oh, of course.

Any medical decision like this

has to be weighed carefully.

We'll be under the house checking the foundation.

Earl, as much as I've always put my faith

in the integrity of all medical professionals,

I think this guy's a quack.

Mom, Dad, you might want to take a look at the baby.

He's, uh, doing something.

Cold! Cold!

La, la. Here you go.

No, no, no! Hot! Hot!

- Hot! Sweaty hot! - What do you want?

- Thirsty. Dying of thirst. - Oh. Uh...

Say "aah."

Better?

Big mistake!

- Coming up! - Oh, oh. Open.

Disgustorama!

He's not getting any better, Fran. Sell the house.

We're not selling the house to buy medicine that doesn't work.

But the medicine that doesn't work is our only hope!

- I don't trust the doctor. - Why?

Just because everything he said has been wrong? Fran, our baby is sick.

And if we can't make him better,

and the doctor can't make him better,

then what other alternative do we have on this entire planet?

I don't know if I mentioned this before,

but there's this guy in the woods.

This is it.

The ritual healing ground.

There's magic here,

something in the air.

It's a hot day. The beef's rotting.

I hope we find this guy soon.

That's the sacred tree, right over there.

You're supposed to pound on it three times, lard brain.

- Oh. - You the 5:30?

Uh, no. Actually, we don't have an appointment.

Look, just because this is a tree

doesn't mean you can show up any time you want to.

This is a professional medical facility.

Why don't you go have a seat on the log? Oh, jeez!

Thank you.

Jeez.

We're at the doctor's, little guy.

How are you holding up?

Daddy, I love you.

Fran, he's delirious.

You're my favorite, Daddy.

Oh, no, we're losing him!

I am Zabar, the guy in the woods.

You have traveled many miles, through great...

Eh...

On the word "wisdom."

You have traveled many miles, through great wilderness,

to seek my wisdom.

See? Better.

Heh. I will now examine... the roast beef.

He's a pro.

Yeah.

Lean. Very nice.

OK. Let me see the child.

Hmm. I recognize the young one's ailment.

It is serious. There is only one cure.

What color is it and how much does it cost?

Fortunately it is simple,

widely available, and costs nothing.

To rid the child's body of the wicked contaminant,

he must eat moldy bread.

- Moldy bread, huh? - Uh-huh.

No wonder you practice in the woods... you freak!

Come on, Fran, turn that thing around. Let's go.

Give him a chance.

He knows what he's doing.

Earl, we've come this far. Let's not give up yet.

Oh, Fran, I just want my baby to get well,

but all these medical guys are telling me different things,

- and I don't trust any of 'em. - Do you trust me, Earl?

Then I think we should let Zabar try.

All right.

But don't you dare hurt my son.

Well, I've never lost one yet.

Now, open the child's mouth

so that I may administer the moldy bread.

- No, not sick anymore! Feeling better! - Come on, eat the bread, kid.

Huh?

Yuck! That stuff stinks!

Sickness begone!

Zabar, the guy in the woods, commands it.

Commands it!

Wisdom?

Oh! Moldy bread?

- I hate moldy bread! - Yeah, let's get out of here.

What do you mean? We got a good infection going here.

Oh, get over it. There's lots of other places to go.

Oh... Abandon ship!

Ah... Ah-choo!

Behold! The child is cured.

Look! The spots, they're gone.

He's back to normal.

Wait. I'll be the judge of that.

Do you happen to have a frying pan on you?

I do.

- Oh. - Wow. Thanks.

Here, son.

Now, are you all right? Do you know who I am?

- Ow! - Not the mama!

It's so good to have our little boy back, isn't it, Earl?

It sure is.

And I guess I owe a big debt of gratitude

to you, Fran, for not losing hope.

And to Zabar there for saving the kid's life.

- Don't mention it. - And...

that's it.

Anything you have to say to me,

you ungrateful sack of fat?

Earl, I think Mother showed us

she makes an important contribution to our family.

She just saved our child's life.

OK. Appreciate it.

- Earl. - - I didn't do it for you.

- I like the kid. - And I like him too.

And he likes you.

And he doesn't feel like you're a burden to have around the house

and he won't complain to his wife about your long-distance calls

to your millions of deadbeat relatives.

Apology accepted.

It wasn't an apology.

- Oh, of course it was. - It was not.

- Was so. - Hey, listen, Ethyl, don't get sick,

'cause if you do, I swear I'm taking you to a doctor.

Don't threaten me, fat boy.

It's not a threat, it's a promise.