Original subtitles

Honey, I'm home!

High in the offices of the Antediluvian Broadcast Company,

the greatest creative minds in Pangea,

struggle daily to provide the public the very best in quality entertainment.

I don't care if it's good or bad, it just has to fill an hour!

Does it fill an hour? Does it eat up the space between commercials?

Fine! Get it on! Ow!

Clear!

Oh, man.

We just need a couple of hit shows.

Stu Boombird: High-powered network executive.

His slightest whim can become a top ten mega-hit audience pleaser, or a failure.

It used to be so easy. Why is it so hard now?

Am I getting hooked up for cable?

No, Mr. Sinclair, we just want to get your response

- to some of our new television shows. - Huh?

Don't mind these wires. They monitor your brain waves.

Ted Hardshell: He knows what the audience wants before they want it.

And if they don't, he can make them want it,

or put it next to something they do want.

My wife's waiting for me at the mall.

She still thinks I'm in the food court eating a rat on a stake.

Earl Sinclair: Average TV watcher, picked at random from a shopping mall.

His opinions will shape the TV programs for millions of viewers

who didn't happen to be at the mall that day.

We appreciate your help, Mr. Sinclair.

Your honest responses will help shape the future

of the most powerful medium the world's known.

Oh.

Nothing.

And when you finish, you get a cookie.

- - Hey! Cookies! That got him functioning.

Beautiful. All right, Mr. Sinclair, just watch the screen and enjoy.

ABC, watch us.

♪ Please, please, please

Wednesday night is just for laughs with the fresh, new House Full of Dads.

Daddy, will you please read me a bedtime story?

- Sure thing. - OK, sweetheart.

A long time ago there lived a...

Shut up! Shut up!

You're killing me!

- Hey! - I don't get it.

Uh, uh-huh. Huh.

Doesn't get it?

This fall, it's Info 411.

Actual calls for help. Real incidents that really happen.

What city, please?

Yeah, in Lower Pangaea.

The number for Don Tarnofsky.

I have two. Do you know the street?

No, I don't!

Info 411, from the producers of Interesting Car Wrecks.

- I don't get it. - OK, OK, OK, OK!

Maybe you'll like this one. Please.

TriceraCops, Act four:

Jack be nimble, Jack be homicide.

- Huh?! - Stop!

- Police! - Huh!

Come on!

All right, scumwad, put your hands over your head!

I can't. I'm a Tyrannosaurus.

Maybe we should read him his rights.

You have the right to remain dead.

When do I get my cookie?

Just one more. This one deals with the real issues

confronting contemporary teenagers today. Go!

We now return to Pangaea Hills, Dino210.

Damien, we need to talk. I think I may be... in trouble.

Oh, in trouble? Are you sure, Beth?

Yes, pretty sure.

I don't get it.

Ay...

Uh... uh...

Get this guy away from me!

Guys, did I do something wrong?

Three hours and nothing!

He hasn't moved. He hasn't blinked!

- You brought me a dead guy. - I...

You're dead! Dead in the ground!

- I like this. - Stu!

- What?! Whoa. - Look!

- See, colors. Nice shapes. - Man...

- I like the theme song. - It's a test pattern, you zombie.

But you can go to the bathroom, come back, and nothing's changed.

It's a test pattern!

It's just something to show in the middle of the night

- when there are no shows on. - Middle of the night?

- Boy, I'm gonna have to get a VCR. - He's killing me!

- I, I can't take this anymore! - Here's your cookie.

- Now, leave! - Oh, thanks.

Forget him, Stu. He doesn't know anything.

The public's gonna love our new shows.

Our new line-up's gonna be a huge hit!

Clear!

Show biz!

This is great. I get a big desk, a fancy title,

and you guys pay me the same money I was making for pushing down trees?

- That's right. - Suckers.

Baby-booby, you were dead right about the test pattern.

- We've adjusted our schedule. - - Gilligan's Test Pattern.

- Killer! - Hardcastle & Test Pattern.

- My Two Test Patterns. - Big!

Hmm?

Uh, I'm actually getting a little bored

with the test pattern.

Lose it! It's gone!

What about our schedule?

He's a viewer, the voice of the public!

He's tired of it, kill it! It's history!

- But, but... - Show Earl what else we've got!

- What? Oh, oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Come on, come on.

This is a beautiful story a bout a sincere young female

who searches for ultimate truth and spiritual fulfillment

by joining a convent.

Yeah.

What if she could... fly?

- Uh... - Brilliant! Do it! I love it!

Done. OK.

What else we got? Come on, go, go, go!

- Go, go, go. - We're very proud of this.

It's our medical drama series.

- Play it. - Dr. Kirk Marcus, MD.

Starring Judd Matthews as Dr. Kirk Marcus.

This could be the most important breakthrough in medical history.

Millions of lives could be saved!

Guys, I'm getting a little bored here.

- What? - Huh?

Hmm. And who do we have here?

Ah, baby Cuddlebunny.

Tonsillectomy.

Now, while I prep for surgery, you change him into his... pajamas.

Not the pajamas! Not the pajamas!

- Boy, I liked that baby - Stop!

- Huh? - Roll back!

Yes. Back, back. More, more, more. There!

Not the pajamas! Not the pajamas!

He's so funny. I love it when he says, "Not the pajamas!"

- The kid's gold! - What?

Find him and buy him from his parents.

We'll build a show around him.

I want T-shirts and a doll with a string in the back of the neck that says...

- Not the pajamas! - Gold!

- Oh. You want him to fly too? - Don't be ridiculous.

Hmm...?

Babies don't fly, but...

he could be the doctor.

Genius! Baby Cuddlebunny, MD!

It's bold! Its new!

- Put it on at seven o'clock. - But that's when the news is on!

- Cancel the news? - You got it!

Yes, sir!

Huh?

I wanna watch TV.

No TV until after you play with your educational game.

Yuck. Educational game stinks.

Kids, drop everything, it's TV time.

- What? - Earl the children have homework.

Close those books and get your eyes on the TV.

This is one of the new shows your daddy thought up at his new job.

And now, from the producers of The Test Pattern Show,

- Its the new hit show, Box Full o' Puppies! - ♪ Puppies

It's a school night, Earl. The kids have to do their homework.

Why?

Because if all they do is watch TV,

they'll never amount to anything.

Oh, you're right, Fran.

I do nothing but watch TV, and I don't have a great job.

Oh, wait. I do!

♪ I have a great job! I have a great job!

Hi, honey. I'm home.

Get to the puppies! Come on. Come on.

Honey, what's in the box?

A little something I picked up at the pet store.

Yes! Yes!

Ooh...

Box full of puppies!

- I love you, little puppy. - Oh, they're so adorable.

Aww...

- ♪ Puppies - Ohh...

♪ Just a box full o' puppies.

- ♪ When the day is through - Forty shares.

♪ Relax with a box full of puppies and you ♪

At nine o'clock, the prescription is laughter with Baby Cuddlebunny, MD.

All right, doctor, it's late. Time to put on your pajamas.

- Not the pajamas! Not the pajamas! - Oh! Ow! Oh...

Not the pajamas! Not the pajamas!

Its amazing the way a phrase like that can catch on.

And now it's time for The Happy Colors Show. In color.

♪ It's the happy colors show

♪ It's the happiest show we know

♪ With red and green and aquamarine

- ♪ And blue like the sky above - ♪ Sky above

♪ But our favorite color is love ♪

I was at the market talking to some of the other mothers,

and they said all their kids are suddenly doing badly in school.

They're like zombies.

Oh, this has gotten completely out of hand.

If we're going to watch television, we're going to watch the news.

- Robbie, turn on channel eight. - Huh? Oh, w... which one's eight?

What? Oh, give me that!

Chaos everywhere, as an unremitting wave of stupidity sweeps our nation.

Industry is at a standstill. Schools are closing their doors.

Many dinosaurs find it difficult to perform even the simplest tasks.

Scientists speculate that these... No, no this...

widespread outrook might be the rezoo... Hello? Hello?

Eh, is anybody out there?

Uh, Michael? Pick the camera up. Oh, oh! What's going...

- It's the end of civilization. - And guess whose fault that would be.

Hello, my wonderful family. I'm home from my wonderful job.

- Earl? - Hold, babe.

Idea for new show: My mother, the lamp.

Uh, details to follow. We'll flesh it out later.

- Earl, we have to talk. - Pitch, babe.

These shows of yours are making everyone stupid.

Don't be silly, Fran. TV shows don't cause stupidness.

They merely reflect the stupidness inherent in society.

Not the pajamas! Not the pajamas!

Robbie, show your father your report card.

Hit me with it.

OK.

- Hello, Charlene? What? - F?

F, F, F, M.

M? What's an M?

Well, halfway through grading me, the teacher forgot the alphabet.

Earl, it's Charlene. She needs a ride home.

She can't remember where we live.

That doesn't prove a thing. She never was the brightest kid.

Earl, you have to put smarter shows on the air.

Everyone's gotten too dumb.

Fran, I think you're overreacting just a wee too much.

This is a DNN special report.

This just in. Oh! Uh, uh...

Municipal workers from the Department of Power

are having trouble maintaining electrical service

throughout Pangaea. Ev...

An official spokesman is quoted as saying, "Duh..."

Ouch!

Huh?

Well, Earl?

OK, Fran. I'm open to discussing this.

- This isn't fair! - Yeah.

The one time in my life I'm good at something,

- and I wind up destroying society. - Yeah.

Just my luck.

Well, don't you worry there, pally-boy.

Well fix society up in a jiffy.

All we gotta do is put brainy, intellectual-type stuff on the air,

and everybody'll get smart again.

- But I can't pick the smart shows. - Yeah?

How am I gonna know one if I see one?

I got a simple rule of thumb where matters intellectual are concerned.

If it confuses me, it must be the good stuff.

And now, Full Spectrum.

Examining all sides of important issues with your moderator, John McGlutton.

OK, our first topic is, "Should the rich eat the poor?"

What say you...? Jack!

Absolutely. The poor have had it too easy, too long.

They're a drain on society, and a good source of dietary protein.

Disagreements? Barbara!

I certainly do disagree.

The poor are hardly a good source of protein.

The meat is stringy. It's full of disease,

and it's nearly impossible to find the right wine.

See what I mean? Totally incomprehensible.

Well, Mrs. Spoilsport, I hope you're happy.

This is the end of my career.

I picked a whole new line-up of brainy, tedious shows.

And just in time. The kids are getting dumber and dumber.

Kids, get in here! It's TV time!

But, Daddy, you said we weren't going to watch so much TV.

- Tonight is special, dear. - Hmm.

- And, by the way, I'm Mommy. - Oh.

- Whoa... - Robbie! Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm OK, Mom. I just keep forgetting to breathe.

- Whoa... - Oh!

- Earl! Turn on that TV, quick! - OK.

Mommy, Daddy, Mommy...

- Police! Hold it right there! - Come on!

- Oh. - Huh?

Don't shoot! I surrender.

- Were not gonna shoot ya! - We wanna re-educate you.

You see, son, you're just the product of an alienated economic class,

lashing out because you feel powerless and unloved.

You've been disenfranchised by the bourgeois power structure.

- That's right! - I stole a car! I'm a thief!

Well, son, if you think about it,

- all property's theft. - Oh...

Let me explain how the surplus value of the worker is being

exploited in the marketplace. When the means of production...

We made a few changes in the shows.

Ooh, I feel this creaking in my head.

Like an old rusty machine that hasn't been used in a long, long time.

And now back to The Professor Show.

So, x-squared plus two-y-squared equals four,

- can be graphed - As an ellipse. - Right-o!

You see, all conic sections can be expressed as second-power,

or quadratic, equations!

- Whoa. - What?

This show might be OK with just one professor.

Yeah! And he's stuck on a desert island with... a movie star and a millionaire!

- Shush! - Huh?

Sheesh.

Live from the grand ol' think tank, it's time for Economics Hoe-Down!

Yay!

Hey, tell me something, Doc.

How can you tell when the falling rate of profit

is due to an increase in the organic composition of capital?

When a drop in the effective demand

is due to the decrease in the marginal utility.

Yeehaw!

- Oh, Charlene, you are so wrong! - Am not!

- Yes, you are. - Nope.

- Robbie, stop poking your sister. - Yeah.

Not until she supports her hypothesis that truth is knowable.

I wasn't talking about empirical evidence!

Cut it out or I won't let you go to school tomorrow.

- But... - I mean it!

- We'll be good. - Yeah, we promise.

Hello? Earl, it's for you. It's the office.

Well, that's it. The ratings are in.

I am now officially a failure.

But you're a failure who did the right thing, Earl.

Yeah, small comfort when we're living in a cardboard box.

There are not gonna be any happy newspaper headlines this time.

Yep.

What?!

"To Earl Sinclair. For educating and elevating the dinosaur spirit."

Hey, a proud moment for you, pally-boy.

You proved, once and for all, that smart TV really can get big ratings.

- I'm a fake. - Huh?

- I'm a fraud. - Huh?

They gave me an award for putting on shows I don't even understand.

Well, maybe that's the burden of the network executive:

To pick shows that are smarter than you are. Huh?

- Yeah, but at what cost? - Oh, yeah.

I canceled Box Full o' Puppies. I canceled The Happy Colors Show.

- I betrayed my highest ideals. - OK.

Ow!

- You! You and your brainy shows! - Oh?

The ratings have taken a nose-dive!

It's like no one's watching TV anywhere.

Hello? Hi, Earl.

- Do you have the TV on? - No, but I was watching earlier.

I saw this wonderful program on smelting.

I thought I'd try my hand at isolating iron from unprocessed ore.

What about the kids? Are they watching TV?

No, Charlene's off on a cartographic expedition

to chart the fresh water source of the Macambo river.

Bye, Mom. La, la.

And Robbie's developed this rocket propulsion fuel

with enough thrust to launch his brother into orbit.

Stand by, mission control. We're ready for lift-off.

- Hey! - Give me!

Robbie says this could be the greatest achievement in dinosaur history.

Who cares? Put the TV on!

Our ratings have dropped into the toilet!

Oh, I'm sorry, Earl.

But your new shows have stimulated us so much,

that we've found more interesting things to do with our lives.

Nobody has time for TV anymore.

- But... - Bye, dear.

This is all your fault, Sinclair!

You and your bright ideas about quality television.

- Oh, man... - The public's gotten too smart.

- Oh, they're all reading books. - They don't need us anymore.

There must be a way to make them dumb again.

We could drug 'em! Something in the water supply.

- We don't have the budget. - Fine!

We'll hit everyone in the head with a brick.

- Hmm... - You guys are evil.

- Huh? - What?

I put on the dumb shows because I like 'em.

And then I put on the smart shows to save the world.

Yeah.

You guys have an opportunity

to speak to millions and millions of dinosaurs,

but you don't care what you put on the air.

All you care about... is ratings.

What's your point?

My point is that if you're gonna proceed with your fiendish plan,

- you can do so without me! - Bye!

- Look, the way I figure it is... - Oh, well.

We have to bring the IQ's down... oh, 60 points...

Wouldn't they be too dumb to turn their sets on?

What if they can't find it?

Well, pally-boy, maybe you did earn that plaque after all.

Build them without an off button.

- Come on. - - What if they still read books?

OK. So! If they're still reading books,

- I'll tell you what we're gonna do. - What?

Well, we're gonna get them interested in TV again with a book,

a very special book.

Hmm. Yeah.

Mom, I just don't see why I can't go to school today.

- Because it's Saturday, dear. - Huh?

- Oh, OK. - Robbie needs help with the launch sequence of his rocket.

- Yeah. - It's T-minus one minute to lift-off!

And counting.

You know, if this works, it'll alter the course of history.

That's wonderful!

Hey, everybody, I'm getting on the brain bandwagon too.

From now on I'm cutting down on my TV viewing and starting to read.

- Good for you. - What's that?

It's a book that was delivered to the door.

Oh, a new book. Who's the author?

Yeah, it's all about TV.

A guide to TV? Doesn't sound very stimulating.

Look here! It's got a crossword puzzle with the names of your favorite stars.

Ooh, let me see. It makes it possible to plan out a whole viewing schedule.

Hey, kids, look at this.

The shows come on when the book says they will.

This is the greatest breakthrough of our time.

♪ It's the happy color...

Hey, family! Anybody! Help!

- Hey, hey! What's that noise? - Aw, who cares?

Huh?

Boy, TV's just as good as I remember it.

Again!