Original subtitles

Honey, I'm home.

Tonight,

Dinosaurs and ABC,

the Antediluvian Broadcasting Company, proudly present

Nuts to War: A Sweeping Miniseries.

Last week on Dinosaurs,

the prehistoric world was caught up in the vortex of war.

If you missed even a moment of the triumph and tragedy,

here now is exactly what happened, but a lot faster:

First Earl is watching TV and he runs out of pistachio nuts.

A news bulletin explains there are no nuts because the four-legged dinosaurs

from across the swamp have invaded the nut groves.

Hostility breaks out between two-leggers and four-leggers

and Robbie is drafted, bringing the horrors of war all too close to home.

Then, of course, there were commercials. Back to the show.

The war escalates. Now they're not just spitting, they're throwing sticks.

Fran wants Earl and Roy to go to the front to bring Robbie home,

but the only way they can get there is to dress like USO girls,

big, ugly ones. And now,

Nuts to War.

Part Three: Nuts at the Front.

Yeah. I want to tell you,

last time I saw this many teenage boys in one place, my daughter was in heat.

Boy, that joke was old in the early Jurassic period.

Hey, he's an institution and he always brings the babes with him.

I wanna tell you, I'm not saying you guys are young,

but the last canteen I saw had a nipple on it.

A nipple.

This thing on?

It's on. Yeah.

I gotta ask you, is this an audience or a cave painting?

Hey, you kids are great.

All right, when we get out there,

keep your eyes peeled for Robbie.

We got to find him.

I'm worried, pally-boy.

Aw, thanks, Roy. You're a good friend,

but I'm sure he's OK.

No, it's this fabric.

It doesn't breathe, and I'm not wearing any dress shields.

Dad, I can't go out there. I'm too nervous!

Oh, here's a tip for stage fright:

- What? - Imagine the audience is in their underwears.

Two thousand teenage boys in their underwear?

See you on stage.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey! - What?

You put their clothes on right now!

Sinclair Sisters, you're on!

- Oh! Daddy! - Charlene, Roy. OK, gang, this is it.

Now let's not forget why we're here.

Yeah.

- Wet your lips. - Oh, yeah. OK.

Now let's have a big hand for those syncopating Sinclair Sisters!

Right here, ladies and gentlemen!

♪ He was a famous trumpet man from down Chicago way ♪

♪ He had a boogie style that no one else could play ♪

♪ He was the top man at his craft ♪

♪ But then his number came up ♪

♪ And he was gone with the draft ♪

♪ He's in the army now ♪

♪ Blowin' reveille ♪

♪ He's the boogie woogie bugle boy of Company B ♪

♪ Toot toot Tootlety toot ♪

♪ He blows an eight to the bar ♪

♪ In boogie rhythm ♪

♪ He can't blow a note unless the bass and guitar ♪

♪ Are playin' with him ♪

♪ And now the company jumps when he plays reveille ♪

♪ He's the boogie woogie bugle boy ♪

♪ Of Company B ♪

Yeah!

Falling in love again ♪

♪ Never vanted to ♪

♪ Vat am I to do? ♪

♪ Can't help it ♪

♪ Males flock around me ♪

♪ Like moths ♪

♪ Around a flame... ♪

Hello, soldier.

- You have un special girl waiting for you at home? - Just my mom.

You should try dating somebody outside your immediate family.

♪ Falling in love again... ♪

♪ Don't sit under the pistachio tree ♪

♪ With anyone else but me ♪

♪ Anyone else but me ♪

♪ Anyone else but me ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ Don't sit under the pistachio tree ♪

- ♪ With anyone else but me ♪ - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

♪ Till I come marching home ♪

- Baby! - Whoo!

Meet me after the show, huh?

I love you!

Thank you.

I didn't see Robbie.

Did anyone see Robbie?

They love us! One guy threw me his keys.

Oh, Daddy, I know who I am now.

No more drifting through life without a purpose.

I was born to give pleasure to whole groups of boys!

Now not, Charlene. Right now we gotta find Robbie.

I don't know, pally-boy. I think we work better as a trio.

Just look after Charlene. I got to find Robbie.

He's out there somewhere.

- You! Where do you think you're going? - Ah!

- This is a war zone. - But my son...

And you brought a ray of sunshine to it, little lady.

I just want to say thank you.

Oh, if there was only more that I could give.

Well, if you'll excuse me...

No need to run off. We're just getting to know each other.

Um, I'm not the kind of girl you think I am...

really.

You know, there's a lot of things a man of my position

can offer a hard-working girl like you.

Believe me, I already have a lot of the same things you do.

For starters, perhaps you'd be interested

- in some silk stockings or chocolates? - No.

No, General, please. I don't...

- Chocolates? - Mm-hmm.

- Hey, I thought you were going up to... - Oh, look! It's...

Rita!

"Good Time Rita," the boys call her.

My, you have such delicate hands!

Why, thank you.

You have a very round head.

The two of you are hitting it off.

So since I'm busy tonight,

perhaps you might like to entertain the general.

- A general! - Yes.

Well, I...

Yeah. Good. I got to find Robbie.

Silk stockings? Really?

That's right, Rita.

Thanks for inviting me over.

I'm glad to have the company.

I'm sorry, all we've got are these frozen dinners.

All the fresh meat's being sent to the front.

Don't I know it.

Frozen dinner reporting for duty, ma'am.

Tonight The War Channel presents

a government-approved documentary to help you think correctly

in these difficult times.

Everytown, Pangaea.

The dinosaurs in this community are like dinosaurs everywhere:

They shop, work, snack, and like many others,

they tend to take their snacking freedoms for granted.

Sadly, they are unaware of an insidious evil darkness being cast upon the land,

a threat to every aspect of our cherished way of life.

First we lose pistachios.

From there it's almonds,

and finally, our chosen form of government.

Where does it end?

They won't be happy until we walk on all fours like they do.

I never thought I'd say this,

but today I'm ashamed to be a two-legger.

Oh, I'm sure they're showing the same kind of awful propaganda

on the other side of the swamp.

This war is making everybody act like children!

Ha ha ha!

Eh?

Uh-oh.

Aah!

Oof!

Again!

Robbie?

Rob!

Robbie, it's Daddy!

Whoa!

Hmm. Nice airbrushing.

Hmm. Mmm, mmm.

Whoa!

I'm hit!

Wipe this guy down, stat! Then get him into triage

and start him on paper towels!

Whoa!

Oh, oh!

Hey, lady, what are you doing out here? This is a war zone.

Are those sticks?

They ain't candy canes, missy.

What do you think took this out?

Uh, running with scissors?

Wrong! It was a stick with my name on it.

Wow. What are the odds?

All right, I need a volunteer! Let's go!

Ooh!

- R-Robbie! - Yes, ma'am.

- It's me, Dad! - What?

I've come to take you home.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Why are you dressed like that?

Well, it was your mother's idea.

Oh, really? And what's she wearing?

Hey.

Son, this war has gotten out of hand.

It's dangerous.

And apparently the stress is taking its toll on the fellas back home,

eh, Betty?

Ooh!

I guess I had that comin'.

Robbie,

this is not the war we were promised.

We were told there'd be a little hissing and spitting,

and then everyone would go home.

Whoa!

Where's my boys?

Hey, sarge, what happened?

It was another stick.

Did that one have your name on it too?

Now they're sending me home.

They say just because I'm blind

I can't lead my troops into battle. The fools.

But I know that my boys are right behind me.

Uh, actually, we're slightly to your right, sarge.

What? Oh, who am I kidding?

Look, you'll have to take command.

You're the only one who can do it.

- Who am I talking to? - Sinclair, sir.

- Well, now it's Sergeant Sinclair. - What?

Here. This corsage is the symbol of your rank.

Wear it proudly, put it in the refrigerator at night

and remember, don't abuse your power

unless it really gets you off.

I won't let you down, sir.

Robbie, remember what you said to me before you left?

You said this whole thing is crazy.

I was naive, Dad. I was dry behind the ears.

Now I've got a job to do. Not just a job, really, an adventure!

But Robbie! You could get hurt.

That's a chance I got to take, Dad.

- Remember what's at stake. - What was it again?

Pistachios! Our right to snack.

That's worth fighting for, right, Dad?

Maybe not.

You're gonna let 'em walk all over us?

You're gonna pay 50 cents more a pound for nuts, Dad? Huh?

It doesn't seem like much when you think about it.

There's no time to think about it.

This is war, Dad,

and we're gonna win it, no matter what it takes!

Follow me!

Yaah!

And now the conclusion of Nuts to War.

This is a DNN Special Report,

Nuts in Crisis: Day 15.

All reports indicate the fighting is going splendidly

and a glorious victory for our troops is inevitable.

And anybody who says otherwise is on this list:

"Hoffman, Rubin,

Seale, Berrigan, P., Berrigan, D.,

Ellsberg, Kuntzler, Fonda, Hayden, Hellman,

Hammet, Trumbo, Lardner, Ritt..."

Water, please!

Oh! Oh, please.

"Zappa and Zimmerman."

Earl!

Where's Robbie?

Oh, he's at the front having the time of his life.

Victory is almost certain.

I thought you were bringing him home.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

I would never do anything

that would hinder our glorious and patriotic effort.

Shut the curtains.

- What? - Shut the curtains.

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing.

Uh, everything's fine.

It's great.

I have every confidence in our leaders.

Fran, it's a nightmare out there.

Our boys are getting eyes poked out!

Everything we've been told is a lie.

I never thought I'd be saying this,

but risking our sons just for nuts, it's wrong.

Then why didn't you bring Robbie home?

He won't come home till it's over.

He believes all the stupid stuff I told him.

All his life he disagrees with everything I say.

The one time he agrees with me, I'm wrong.

Well, if he won't come home,

then we have to speak out and stop this madness!

Shh, Fran!

It's one thing to know in your heart

when something is morally wrong.

It's another thing to open your big trap about it in public.

This is a DNN update.

Here is Howard Handupme.

A young sergeant was killed in action today

during a heavy barrage of sticks and stones.

What?

Oh. This wasn't supposed to be read?

Uh...

What's with Earl? What is he doin'?

Get a load of this guy!

- Sheesh! - Or something.

Roy, talk to him. He's your friend.

- Go, go. - OK. OK, then.

Uh, pally-boy,

um, the guys and I couldn't help but notice

you're carrying a large sign

with subversive, anti-government slogans on it.

Were you aware of that?

Roy, one of our boys died out there!

Hey, hey, that was read by accident,

and we've been asked not to have heard it.

I for one am glad to do my part.

Uh-huh. That's right.

Hey, Roy.

That kid could be Robbie.

My son could be dead.

Um...

Hey, I really gotta check with somebody before I can hear this.

We have to stop the fighting.

We have to bring the boys home!

Sinclair! In here now!

Mr. Richfield, I know exactly what you're going to say.

You are meddling with the primal forces of nature!

OK, so I'm not even close.

Sinclair, do you have any idea why we're fighting?

Pistachios, sir.

This isn't about nuts.

This is about a force beyond your understanding,

a force that controls your life

and shapes your destiny.

- You mean Fran? - Money!

For years our government has squandered money

on affordable housing, education and health care.

But now, finally,

that money is going where nature intended it:

To defense contractors.

Look out! Those are sticks!

I know that! What do you think happens to the trees you push down?

You sell them and use the money to buy sticks?

No, you idiot! We make sticks!

And this is only the beginning.

Oh, my gosh! A rock!

This is the Peacekeeper-2000.

I'm not talking about poked eyes.

One of these babies can crack a head wide open.

This could end the hostilities in no time.

Uh, that is, if we weren't planning to sell them to both sides.

You'd sell these to the enemy?

But my son's out there!

He may even be killed!

Ohh... I didn't know that.

I also don't care.

And now a word from our elder-in-chief.

Don't bother reaching for your remote.

He'll be on every channel.

My fellow Pangaeans,

most of you probably heard on television yesterday

that one of our brave boys was killed.

Responsibility for this sad, sad news

must be placed where it belongs:

With the press.

As a result,

my popularity has dipped several points,

and I am forced to take drastic action.

I am calling an end to Operation "We Are Right"

and I am bringing our boys home.

Of course, I realize this action alone

may not restore your faith in me,

therefore I am making you this promise:

I will cut the capital gains tax.

Thank you and good night.

Oh, no!

One boy dies and it's all over. Ugh!

Kind of makes you understand the fragile nature of profits.

I don't think I understand anything.

Ready or not, here I come!

Yoo-hoo! Cookie creature!

You can run but you can't hide!

What was that?

I don't know what kind of bad, scary monster you are,

but you've eaten your last cookie!

A-ha!

You win.

No, thanks.

You can keep it.

Oh, thank you.

Eat the cookie.

Aw...

In the wake of withdrawal by the two armies,

leaders from both sides have agreed henceforth to share pistachios equally.

Unfortunately, nearly all the pistachio trees

were destroyed in the fighting.

Meanwhile, military officials have not yet released the name

of the one soldier who was killed in the conflict.

I can't take this anymore!

Why don't they know who was killed?

Why won't they tell us?

Fran, honey, don't do this to yourself.

That's right, sweetheart. It won't do us any good

to imagine that Robbie is a rotting, lifeless corpse

stinking up the battlefield.

Ow!

It was meant to be comforting.

You know what got us into this mess?

You stupid males and your precious pistachios.

Oh, you're right!

I don't need pistachios anymore.

From now on I'll even eat cashews if I have to.

Here, look.

Hey, these are really good!

And no shells!

Boy, I wish I'd known about these a month ago.

Hey, uh, anybody home?

Oh, Robbie!

Robbie!

Hey, Mom.

You're alive. Oh!

Oh, I missed you!

- Hi, Grandma. - Robbie!

- Welcome home, Son. - Thanks, Dad.

I'm so happy you're all right.

No, I'm fine, really.

I heard that someone got killed.

Yeah. It was some new guy.

You know, we could have won.

What?

Robbie, what are you saying?

Well, I mean, it was terrible that guy got killed and all,

but we had those four-leggers on the run!

We could've won it! Yeah!

A boy died. It wasn't worth it.

The fighting didn't solve anything. Don't you see that?

Come on, Robbie, let's get you out of that uniform.

- You've got school tomorrow. - Forget school.

A bunch of guys are talking about keeping the army together.

They'd have drills, set up a base at the swamp,

so we'll be ready for them next time.

They're working on a whole new line of weapons!

- Stop it! - Huh?

You're not a soldier. You're a kid!

Oh!

You're going to go to school,

you're gonna take girlfriends to dances,

you're gonna drive me crazy like you always do.

You're going to lead a normal kid's life

until it's time for you to grow up.

Dad...

It's OK, Son.

It's over.

You're home.