Original subtitles

Honey, I'm home.

The universe for 10, Art.

The universe for 10. And the question is:

"How many planets revolve around the Earth?"

One.

Jerry?

None, Art. The Earth and the other planets

revolve around the sun.

Ooh, I'm sorry.

That's incorrect, and it's heresy.

So we take away all your points and we burn you at the stake.

Darn.

Boy. They're really strict on this show.

Hey, where are all the pistachio nuts?

Fran, can you bring some more pistachios in here?

We're all out, Earl.

- What? - That was the last jar.

Fran, I don't ask for much from you,

a clean house, three square meals a day,

gardening, raising the kids,

a little light plumbing,

scheduled maintenance on the car.

So when I ask you to keep a few pistachios on hand,

I think maybe you could take a little time to get out of your bubble bath

and get down to the market.

The market didn't have any pistachio nuts, Earl.

I even called three other stores. They don't have them either.

You expect me to believe

that for some mysterious reason

there's no more pistachio nuts to be found anywhere?

We interrupt our programming to bring you this DNN Special Report.

Pistachios: Why Aren't There Any To Be Found?

I'm waiting, Fran.

Hello, I'm Howard Handupme.

Today the dinosaurs who walk on all fours

encroached on the southeast bank of the great swamp,

which divides our two nations.

This area's home to most of our pistachio nut trees,

or bushes, or whatever it is they grow on.

Due to this, our flow of pistachios has been cut off indefinitely.

A government spokesman commenting on the situation told us this is no big deal

and will certainly not escalate into anything serious.

Tonight, a sweeping miniseries of epic proportions.

One family caught up in the turbulent winds

of prehistory's greatest conflict,

featuring a cast of 11 and shot entirely on location

in one really big sound stage at a cost of, well,

a lot more than we thought when we first started.

For the first time on network television.

Nuts to War.

Starring Earl "Pug" Sinclair,

Robbie "The Rebel" Sinclair.

Special appearance by Baby "$29.95" Sinclair,

Charlene "Gimme" Sinclair

and Fran Sinclair as "The Mama."

Part One: Nuts in Jeopardy.

All right, we'll just eat pecans for a while.

Pecans? Everyone knows pecans are a baking nut.

They're hardly suited to snacking.

All right, then cashews.

Cashews come already shelled. Where's the challenge in that?

Why should I compromise on my snacking needs?

Dad, Dad, you're talking about nuts.

If you take a minute to think about it, you'll see it's no big deal.

They are threatening our very way of life!

It's naked aggression, pure and simple.

- Then we got to get naked right back at 'em. - Yeah.

Now take that, you four-legged nut grabber!

Wow, I've never seen you so fired up, Earl.

Yeah, well, no one has ever cut off my pistachios before.

Eat bark, you quad-pods!

Hey, hey, guys, you know why four-leggers wear hats?

No. Why?

So their wives know which end to kiss.

Hey, guys, you know why four-leggers can't rob a bank?

- Why? - Because they're unarmed.

- Hey, you know what the latest news is? - No, why?

I read pistachios are gonna be 50 cents more a pound.

Fifty cents! You guys slay me!

- Wake up. - Roy, it's not a joke.

Fifty cents a pound?

- Well, I won't pay it! - No.

That's an increase of...

Well, actually, Fran does the shopping.

I also read the elder-in-chief's considering nationwide nut rationing.

Yeah, he's gonna make a speech about it at 10:00.

Hey, do you think Mr. Richfield will let us watch it on his TV?

Come on. In times of crisis like this,

everyone forgets their differences and comes together.

- Come on, let's go! - Yeah! Come on.

What's this, a strike?

- No. - No.

That's it, you lousy green trash, you're fired!

Uh, sir, we were wondering if you were gonna watch

the chief elder's speech on the TV.

Well, since this affects your snacks as much as mine, all right.

It's the least I can do after blowing your pension fund at the track.

- Hmm? - Oh!

And now a message from our elder-in-chief.

- Hi. - Hi.

As you know the dinosaurs who walk on all fours

have invaded our swamp and seized our pistachios.

Now, I know a lot of you are upset about the nuts,

but this is not about nuts.

This is bigger than nuts,

bigger than all snack foods.

- This is about principle... - Mm-hmm, right.

About justice, about truth.

It's a complex issue, but luckily,

can be boiled down to a simple slogan:

"We Are Right."

- That's catchy! - Easy to pronounce.

And comforting too.

The time has come for bold and decisive action.

And so, today, we launch Operation "We Are Right."

Tomorrow we'll select a bunch of big, strong guys to go down to that swamp

and hiss and spit at those four-leggers until they go away.

Now, who's with me?

Well, uh...

Naturally, I'm not talking about sending

productive members of society.

It'll be mostly teenage boys and the poor.

Oh, good. This just affects our kids.

- Glad I voted for him. - Yeah.

Our cause is just,

our duty is clear

and our mouths overflow

with the spittle of righteousness.

Please join me in praying for the safe and dry return

of our boys.

Oh, sure.

Oh, brother.

- Oh, what a leader. - He's no wimp.

Yeah. What a great distraction from complicated domestic issues.

Yep.

Gentlemen, today's a day of celebration.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I'm going to tie one on.

- What a boss! - Hey!

Your four, get back to work!

Oh, right, right.

I'm going, I'm going.

- Did you finish your juice? - Uh-huh.

Ah, then you can have a yummy.

Caveman cracker! Yay!

- Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. - There.

- Now, what do you say? - More!

- No, that's not it. - Um...

Come on. You know what to say.

I'm waiting for the magic word.

Gimme!

What's the magic word?

Why? You don't know it either?

I know it, and so do you.

Heh!

Waah!

No. Crying isn't going to help.

My cookie's gone!

Because you ate it.

No! The cookie creature took it.

Oh, right. A cookie creature took it.

Don't talk down to me!

This is between you and the cookie creature,

so you two will have to work it out.

Oh, well, thanks for nothing.

Honey, I'm home.

Oh, Earl, did you hear the elder's speech?

Hey, what a leader. Did you see how fast he made up that slogan?

Yes. I think everything's happening awfully fast.

Robbie's already been called down to the selective service office.

And soon they'll be shipping him off to some foreign swamp somewhere.

Please, sweetheart. Don't you think our elder-in-chief hasn't thought this through?

You think he'd rush headlong into a flashy and macho display of aggression

in an election year? Where's the logic in that?

But Earl, you know what happens when males get together

and start posturing.

I'm just afraid this "We Are Right" thing could get out of hand.

They're just going to be doing a little hissing and spitting.

This is our government.

I think our government knows what it's doing.

Wouldn't it be better if we dress like trees and bushes to blend in?

You're thinking too hard, Scooter.

Let's just get up to the front and let the loogies fly.

Just look at him.

- Ready to strike terror into the hearts of the enemy. - Dad...

I like the cut of your blouse, soldier.

- I look like an idiot. - Son, have some respect.

That uniform was designed by the elder-in-chief's unmarried brother Julian.

- Yeah... - OK. Now...

Everybody say "victory."

- Negotiation. - What kind of talk is that?

I'm just asking if anybody's tried talking to the other side

before we all get whipped into hysteria?

Hey, in situations like this, the only rational response is hysteria.

Now get your green butt down to the swamp and do your duty.

Ours is not to reason why, Scooter.

Say your goodbyes. We got to get a move on.

You have to go now?

Sorry. We gotta get out there and kick some four-footed fanny.

That's what I like to hear.

Well, this is it, boys.

- Now, Robbie, - Huh?

I don't mind you spitting for a good cause,

but if they start shoving and using foul language,

I want you to call us... then go stand in front of the battlefield

and we'll pick you up.

- Mom... - Oh...

Oh!

Mom, don't worry. I'll be all right.

Good luck, boys! Give them one for me!

- Will do. - Good lads.

Fran, our cause is just.

No harm can come to him

as long as he wears our flag on his uniform.

Goodbye, Mom. Bye, Dad.

- Goodbye, son. - Come on.

Stay dry!

Make us proud, boys!

And now here's DNN correspondent Howard Handupme.

Good evening. I'm Howard Handupme.

Today our troops saw their first hissing and spitting action,

turning back an advanced squad of evil four-leggers,

proving just how right we really are.

We have this videotape of today's action,

but our friends in the military thought it might be too disturbing

to show at dinnertime.

Disturbing? What does that mean?

You know what boys are like.

One of them probably mooned the camera.

So instead of actual footage,

we now offer this dramatic recreation.

The day began with intense saturation spitting,

with the sky sometimes dark from all the hock-tooeys flying back and forth.

Take that, you four-legged pansy!

Oh, no, I'm a weak sissy compared to you.

I'll run away to my mommy.

You'd better, because there's more where that came from!

The battle went a lot like that.

Hmm.

Cookie creature, I've got something for you.

It's yummy!

I'm not paying attention.

What's that?

Hot! Don't touch!

Aah!

What are you doing here? You must want a bath.

No, no, no! No bath, Mama! No bath!

No, no! Oh...

He's dead meat.

Mom, Grandma, there's good news from the front.

Is it something about Robbie?

Robbie again.

All you're ever interested in is Robbie. Robbie, Robbie...

- Charlene! - All right.

They want girls to go entertain the troops,

and they picked me to be one of them!

We're gonna do a big musical show at the front.

Isn't that dangerous?

Well, it's true most musicals do fail,

but we've got some great songs... and costumes.

- See? - Mmm.

Yeah. What does USO stand for?

The Uninhibited Sisters of Other Guys.

We're going to bring a little bit of good old home to a lot of lonely kids out there,

and I get to be out of school!

- Lonely kids. - La-la!

Those poor boys so far from home.

Don't worry, Frannie.

The whole nation's praying for their safe return.

In these difficult times,

with our sons away fighting for all we hold sacred,

we here on the home front must summon our courage, pray for our boys

and through it all we must stick together.

And when you need things to stick together,

think of Wacky Glue!

Whether it's wood, plastic, porcelain or glass,

Wacky Glue bonds instantly and permanently.

Wacky Glue: the official adhesive of Operation "We Are Right."

I'm Major Savings.

I'm Major Values.

And we both support our troops

by battling high prices at Stan's House of Stereo.

Remember, no poor son of a gun ever saved money by buying retail.

He saved money by making the other poor son of a gun buy retail.

So march on down to Stan's House of Stereo.

And that's an order!

Mom? Do you ever feel, you know... not patriotic?

It bothers me that these commercials are trivializing something so serious.

Hmm. Well, nobody's really stupid enough

to fall for that tacky commercialization.

Hey, Frannie, look at all this neat stuff

they're selling on the streets.

Earl, don't you think that's in poor taste?

What do you mean, poor taste?

This thing lights up. Nice, huh?

Did I miss the battle highlights?

Oh, I hope Robbie's out on the front line where the cameras are.

Our leaders are extremely optimistic,

as everything proceeds exactly according to plan.

I've just been handed a battle update.

- Oh. - Hmm.

Oh, no! This can't be.

Dear God in heaven, say it isn't so!

Please, no!

It's nothing. Everything's fine.

Now here's Dwayne with sports.

What happened? It was something bad, wasn't it?

Why aren't they telling us what's going on?

I tried to enlist, but they wouldn't take me because I can't salute.

Tough break.

Boy, I'd be there in a second if I wasn't badly needed

in the civilian sector.

Danish, anyone?

Hey, guys, it's not that I don't blindly believe

all our government's saying,

but what do you think of the news blackout all of a sudden?

What are you saying, Earl?

I'm just saying that after all the good news,

all of a sudden they're not telling us anything.

You don't suppose the other side has hissing and spitting superiority?

What are you saying, Earl?

Yeah. I hear our side's gonna start throwing sticks.

Sticks? Somebody could lose an eye.

What are you saying there, Earl?

You got a problem with our government policies, Sinclair?

- No, no, I was just thinking... - Thinking?

Hey, if everyone sat around thinking,

we'd never get an operation like this off the ground.

Of course, maybe you'd like that, eh, Sinclair?

Yeah, you don't by any chance walk around on all fours at home?

Let's see your palms.

- When you buy socks, how many are in a pack? - Answer him.

Hey, guys, Earl's no quad lover.

He's got a boy at the front.

Tell them, Earl. You're not thinking things.

There's nothing going on in that head of yours.

No. Hey, guys, you know me. I'm the last person to start thinking.

So, you still believe we are right, don't you, Earl?

Of course I do.

- All right. - Yeah. Thousand points of light.

So, Earl, Danish,

or not?

Oh...

What's everybody else having?

- Ah! - Ah!

Good fella.

- There. Perfect. - Oh.

Ma, I'll be fine.

It's just that first Robbie goes off, now you.

It's hard for a mother to get used to her children being spit on.

Fran, I'm sure the girls will be just fine.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, hold the phone.

What's that four-legger doing in my house?

I just came in for a cup of coffee.

Oh, a cup of classified military secrets, more like it.

Hey, Roy, check her necklace for microphones.

OK.

Hi, Roy.

Uh... heh heh.

Yeah. Uh... uh...

Um, this puts me in a bit of a quandary, pally-boy.

Monica might be an enemy of the state,

but I got a crush on her big time.

Earl, you're overreacting. Monica's our friend.

Yeah.

Count her legs, Fran. They spell enemy-e!

Earl, I have lived on this side of the swamp since I was 12.

Oh, sure, gathering intelligence for the enemy.

- Well, you won't find any intelligence here! - Nope.

I am insulted and offended

that you could even question my allegiance.

Oh, then I guess you wouldn't mind taking a little loyalty oath.

- What sort of oath? - Oh, it's very simple.

Raise your right hand.

I don't have a right hand.

Well, what do you know?

And now, a DNN Special Report, Live: From the Front.

Welcome to the first press briefing

of Operation "We Are Right."

We'll start by opening up the floor to questions. Feel free to ask anything.

It is important that you feel

there is open and honest communication

with the military.

Yes?

Sir, over here!

How's our side doing, sir?

- That was not on the list! - Oh!

Oh, sorry, sir. How about, uh... number three?

Excellent question. Are we pleased by how well our troops are performing?

The answer: yes!

- Great! - That's better.

- Next question. - Please don't construe this as being in any way critical,

but is there a way to shorten the slogan "We Are Right"?

We have to write it down a lot.

Could we just call it W-A-R?

How would you pronounce a thing like that?

Well, I guess it would be... "whar."

No, no, no. It would be "wayr."

"Waar." "Whaar."

General, you said there's been no escalation in the fighting,

yet we have a videotape here

showing the use of dirt clods on the battlefield!

- Whoa. - They're throwing dirt clods?

Well, let 'em. Our boys are going to be throwing sticks.

- Sticks? - Clam up.

Huh? What?

Someone could put out an eye!

This whole thing's gotten way out of hand.

Earl, I want you to go to the front and bring Robbie home.

Are you kidding? I can't go up there.

Why not? Our son is in danger.

Frannie, it's a military operation.

No one's allowed up there, no mommies, no daddies. Just soldiers.

- And USO girls, like me. - Hmm.

- This is humiliating. - Well, sure. It's your first time.

Next week, Dinosaurs' epic miniseries continues.

As their lives are plunged even deeper

into the swirling vortex of war,

each member of the Sinclair family

struggles to maintain sanity

in a world gone mad.