Original subtitles

Honey, I'm home.

Ladies, for silky smooth legs

that guys really love,

try the new Epi-Scale Leg Smoother.

Ooh! This really hurts.

Yeah, but males love it.

I want that.

No, you don't.

Want silky smooth legs.

You don't want smooth legs. You're a boy.

Oh.

Then I want a machine gun. Eh-Eh-Eh-Eh-Eh!

Oh, boy.

Something wrong, dear?

Oh. I got a C-plus on my astronomy test.

Well, that's very nice, dear.

That's a whole plus above your personal best.

No. You don't understand, mom.

I overachieved.

I'm above average now.

My teacher's noticed me.

What did he say?

It was horrible. He encouraged me.

He's making me do an astronomy project for extra credit.

Congratulations.

Uh! You don't even get it.

I did above average.

And now I'm gonna lose all my average friends.

Uh! Now, he wants me to make an extra credit model

of the solar system.

I'm sure you'll make a very nice solar system.

And maybe you'll develop an interest in astronomy.

Sure, great. So what if I do?

Who ever heard of a female astronomer?

Even so, honey, it's important to be well-rounded.

Oh yeah, so when I'm cleaning up after my husband,

I'll know where all the planets are.

- Good news, family. - My life is over.

Daddy's home early.

What's the occasion?

Oh, dead guy at work.

Oh, my goodness. What happened?

We push down trees for a living. You figure it out.

Oh, Frannie, have you seen my bowling ball?

I get to fill his spot on the company team.

It's in the closet.

Oh. Strike time.

Hello, Fran.

Hi, Monica. You look blue.

Oh, I thought I had a buyer for the Shumway house,

but he turned out to be a snake.

The banks don't loan to snakes...

You know their policy: no limbs, no loans.

You were counting on that commission. What will you do?

I guess I'll have to get another job until the market is better.

So, what are you looking for?

Just something to tide me over,

something low stress and mindless,

something any idiot can do.

All right, who filled in the holes in my bowling ball?

Oh, never mind. Here's some more.

Hey, Earl, did they replace that poor fellow at work yet?

Nah, not yet.

Not until they dig his helmet out.

Hmm. it's a job.

Earl, Monica needs a job.

And there's gonna be an opening down at work, right?

Right.

- So... - So?

So? Fran, will you stop talking in riddles?

I want you to take Monica to work with you

and get her an interview with Mr. Richfield.

A female tree-pusher?

You can't be serious.

It's ludicrous.

I'd be a laughing stock.

Mr. Richfield...

What?

There's someone I'd like you to meet.

Mmm.

Well, you brought me a female, eh, Sinclair?

Uh, well, I, uh...

That's mighty nice, but I already got a wife.

Nice gesture though.

Oh, thank you, sir.

But, uh...

uh, she's here for the, uh... tree-pusher job.

What?

A female tree-pusher. You can't be serious.

It's ludicrous.

You're a laughing stock.

Just as I predicted.

So shall I tell her to go away?

Ahh! It's too late now.

Ahh! We're an equal-opportunity employer.

We have strict guidelines about this sort of thing.

We can't just send her away.

Let me see. Here it is.

"Interviewing a female applicant."

Hmm. "Smile a lot, compliment her handbag,

then send her away."

She can't ask for more than that.

Then, I passed the real estate exam

with the highest score in my class.

And sold a house my very first day on the job.

But now, with the soft housing market, I must...

My, that's a lovely handbag.

Excuse me?

I was just complimenting your handbag.

I don't have a handbag. I don't have hands.

Oh, well, uh, then, uh..

Let me compliment your lovely, uh-uh-uh...

neck!

Small. Neck small.

My my,

that's a lovely neck small.

Thanks.

Uh... uh...

Ahh...

Uh, sounds like uh...

- Moron? - Doh!

Yeah?

What?

Necklace.

Necklace! Necklace!

My, that's a lovely necklace.

Yeah!

Excuse me.

But what does my necklace have to do with getting this job?

It's just that you're such a dainty little thing,

and tree pushing requires such strength

and a large degree of technical knowledge.

I'm sure it's way over my head,

but hypothetically, would I be knocking down trees

like those outside?

Aw, come on, I said you got a nice necklace,

now take it on out of here!

Oh...

When can you start?

I spot this pretty young thing in the supermarket, right,

and I walk up to her and I say,

"Hey, I'm no cashier,

but you got at least two items

that I'd like to check out, if you know what I mean?"

I don't get it.

Don't you see, Roy?

Harris has invented a new way to talk to the babes.

Yeah, that's right.

Everything he says has two meanings.

Oh.

Why?

Look, on one level,

you're having a nice little conversation

with a sweet lovely,

but on another level,

you're saying something kind of, you know, sexual.

That's why we call him "Sexual" Harris.

Ba da boom.

He's a linguistical pioneer.

Yeah.

I still don't get it.

Guys, hey, guys, I've got some bad news.

Uh... Richfield's hired a female tree-pusher.

What? A female? Is he crazy?

Yeah. It's true.

Not that I was there or had anything to do with it.

I just heard, you know?

Hey!

Thanks for your help, Earl.

Aw, you killed us, Earl.

I'm supposed to report to foreman Harris.

That's me, little lady. Now, why don't you come with me

and I'll show you how to take down trees.

You push. I'll shove, if you catch my drift.

Two meanings!

One, two.

Well, that's not bad, but you left a few roots, sweetheart.

Now, if you want to get somewhere in this job,

you got to be willing to go all the way,

if we're on the same track.

I beg your pardon?

I'm just saying, if you want to make points with the foreman,

it's going to take a lot of late nights,

if you hear what I'm saying.

Let's just confine our comments to the job.

Now, now, just relax. You're too tense.

What do you say we go out for a few brews.

And later on, I'll jump on your scales,

and you can tell me how much I weigh,

if you know what I mean.

No.

What do you mean, no?

I mean no. I'm not interested.

I find the things you talk about personally offensive.

I hope this doesn't interfere with my being able to work here.

And that's when he fired me.

Sometimes I think males are the lowest form of life.

Oh, hi, Monica.

Hey, quite a career you carved out for yourself.

Almost a whole day...

and only 65 years short of a pension too.

Earl, what happened to Monica was completely unfair.

There must be some way she could get her job back.

No, there is not.

Oh, come on, Earl. There must be something she could do.

Oh, no no no! There's nothing.

And even if there was, there wouldn't be.

Oh, um, you thought I was asking about Monica.

No, it's for my cousin... Monty

who works for WESAYSO...

the... southern branch.

Well, why didn't you tell me that?

Just tell Monty that if he was unjustly fired,

he can request a hearing from the board of grievances.

A hearing.

Oh, what's the point?

No female's ever going to get a fair shake

in this male-dominated society.

Thanks a lot, mom.

I took your advice and I made a model of the solar system.

I actually enjoyed doing it.

For once, I thought I was good at something in school,

I thought my life was changing

and then the boys in my class ate it.

Charlene, I'm sure the teacher appreciated your effort.

They ate it before he saw it.

Oh! It was a real solar system

with planets and the sun, oh!

And the boys said that I'm a female

and shouldn't stick my nose in the universe

where it doesn't belong.

The boys were jealous.

I'm gonna forget about astronomy and just shop.

You know, if we continue to let males intimidate us,

we females will never get the chances we deserve.

Oh, yeah?

Like I'm gonna change the world?

Maybe you and I can't change the whole world, Charlene,

but we've gotta start somewhere.

- Fran. - Yes?

Get Mr. Richfield on the phone.

I want a hearing.

We interrupt our regular programming

to bring you coverage of this special hearing.

It's sure to be titillating and it cost us next to nothing.

I'm Howard Handupme reporting live

from the WESAYSO corporate hearing room.

Today board members will determine

whether Monica Devertebrae was unjustly fired

for refusing to date foreman Al "Sexual" Harris.

Order!

And as I see, committee chairman B.P. Richfield

has gaveled the hearing to order.

- Let's watch. - Shut up!

Now, I want to make one thing clear right from the start.

Our only purpose of these proceedings

is to find the truth.

Nobody is on trial here.

I object!

Sustained.

All right, OK, only the female is on trial.

But I'm going to conduct it in an orderly fashion.

And let me remind the board that just because we're on TV,

I'm not going to put up

with any grandstanding or personal agendas.

I concur with Mr. Chairman Richfield.

As I said to my brother Jim

of "Honest Jim's Used Cars,"

we must put personal agendas aside,

especially during the week of "Honest Jim's

Bumper-To-Bumper Blowout Bonanza."

Thank you, Mr. Dixon.

All right, let's get started.

Um...

Miss Devertebrae,

please step up to the witness table.

State your full name and tell us what happened

on the date in question.

Before I start, I'd just like to say

that I'm grateful to the WESAYSO Corporation

for granting me a fair hearing.

I have over a hundred witnesses

that'll testifying that for the past 22 years,

you have in fact been a prostitute!

I have not.

Oh. Sorry. My mistake.

Everyone hear the word "prostitute?"

I can't believe they use that kind of language on television.

Don't they know that kids are watching?

Mother, this is an important real life event.

It'll make the kids think.

I don't want the kids to think.

I want the kids to watch safe,

little situation comedies

with time-tested repetitive story lines.

So I asked him to stop saying those kinds of things,

but he persisted.

Excuse me, but do you really expect us to believe

you can remember exactly what happened

almost 10 years ago?

It was Tuesday.

My mistake. Please go on.

Hmm-mmm-mmm.

DNN special coverage

of the "Sexual" Harris hearing continues.

Please continue with your testimony.

And then it was quitting time.

And he said the strangest thing to me.

He said, and I quote,

"I'll jump on your scales,

and can you tell me how much I weigh."

Well, well, it seems clear to me

that we need to determine what "Sexual" Harris Meant.

I think that purpose can best be served

by opening the floor to questions.

Uh, let's begin with my esteemed colleague...

Mr... uh... Wolfe.

You're obviously a very attractive female.

Could you please describe for us

what you were wearing at the time of the incident?

Was it, uh...

seductive or revealing?

It was a hard hat and a work shirt.

And I don't appreciate the insinuation

that I somehow asked for this kind of behavior.

I'm insinuating no such thing.

Now, could you please describe for us, in detail,

what kind of underwear you have on at the moment?

I don't understand how that's relevant.

Well, ma'am, if you understood the relevancy of it,

you'd be a male.

I don't see why Monica's putting herself through this.

Couldn't she just find another job?

You're missing the whole point.

Monica's fighting against injustice,

struggling for the rights of females everywhere.

Yeah? Write a song about it.

Look, sweet cheeks,

isn't this whole thing just part

of some twisted sexual fantasy of yours,

a fantasy that might also include

being alone on a deserted island?

Yes. Yes.

One with scores of scantily-clad young females

and they're smearing marmalade all over you...

Mr. Dixon!

Could I have a moment, please?

Ah, I see.

Mr. Heffer, would you like to take over the questioning?

Why, yes...

I would. Alright.

I'd like...

Cancel my tennis lesson.

To, um...

to go...

back...

to the, um...

to the beginning...

of your...

testimony.

Ah!

Ah! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Uh... Mr. Lackey.

I'd just like to say

I think that you've been treated very poorly.

And I applaud your courage for coming forward.

Ah!

But I think you're a tramp.

I am deeply offended

by these attacks on my character.

At no time did I ever lie,

exaggerate, or fantasize.

I say shame on all of you

for your disrespectful, backward opinions

about females everywhere.

- Oh! - What's it mean?

She shows a lot of sincerity and class.

We gotta discredit her. Know anyone?

Sinclair! In here now!

Hey! Hey!

You called, sir?

Sinclair, we need you to testify.

But I don't know what to say.

Aw, just say whatever comes into your mind.

Here's what's gonna come into your mind.

"and let me conclude by saying

that foreman Harris is a great guy."

"Monica's been a troublemaker as long as I've known her

and I'm pretty sure she cheats on her taxes."

"Stop here, look up, smile."

Thank you for your candor, Mr. Sinclair.

Oh, yeah, and another thing,

I don't see why she ever needed a job.

A female's place is in the home,

taking orders from her husband.

In the Sinclair household, when I say "jump,"

my wife says, "How high?"

Hi!

I came down here today

because I just think someone should testify

on Monica's behalf.

Well, it's only fair that all sides

of this issue are fully explored.

Please take up to a minute.

Thank you.

I've listened on TV to what you've said about Monica,

and it's not the Monica I know.

She's an honest, responsible individual

who would never mislead anybody.

And we'd like to believe your testimony, Mrs. Sinclair.

However, I have information

that when you were just a young girl,

you lived with this older man,

without benefit of marriage.

That's my father.

All the more disgusting.

Fran, is this true?

Are you all insane?

Oh, it gets worse, Mrs. Sinclair.

I also have a picture of you sitting on his lap!

Let's see.

Oh!

We now continue with this DNN special report.

What Sexual Harris Meant

Let's move on to the statements from other coworkers.

Well, I always thought of Harris as a swell guy,

but he shouldn't have asked her out on the job.

Why not?

'Cause I seen her first.

So you find her attractive?

And therefore, couldn't blame Harris for asking her out.

Well... no.

I mean, yes.

I mean, I know Harris

and I don't think he would've done anything wrong,

and I know Monica,

and I don't think she would ever lie,

so, therefore...

um...

I have a stomach ache.

Can I lie down?

I speak on behalf of the rest the guys.

Harris never asked any of us out.

The way I see it, anybody who consistently bowls over 200

could never do such a thing.

As this remarkable proceeding winds to a close,

everyone awaits the testimony

of Al "Sexual" Harris.

In the meantime, let's get the results

of our latest DNN News Poll.

Percentage of Pangaeans who believe Monica Devertebrae:

18.

Percentage of angry, resentful males

who failed to get dates in high school

and somehow blame Monica:

63

Percentage of self-loathing, insecure females

who want to see successful females fail

so that everyone else can be as miserable as they are:

82.

Order! Order!

I see "Sexual" Harris has just been sworn in.

Let's go to his testimony.

Mr. Harris, please tell us in your own words

that you did not say these things to Miss Devertebrae.

I said 'em.

Did you fire her for not going out with you?

Uh, yeah.

But it seems to me she's just not qualified

to do the job anyway.

Of course, I've got another kind of job for her,

if you know what I mean.

Yep.

Well, it's clear what this whole thing's about.

Your behavior was unprofessional

and uncalled-for.

Yeah.

But when it's done with this kind of wit and style,

it's all in good fun.

- You should lighten up, toots. - Case dismissed.

There you go. Thank you, guys.

Do you have a statement, Mr. Richfield?

Mr. Richfield, you have a statement?

Well, there are no real winners

in a situation like this.

But we must put it behind us.

Now is the time for healing.

Aah! Right in my eyes, you idiot!

♪ We are males, hear us roar ♪

♪ We are macho dinosaurs ♪

♪ And we're way too smug ♪

♪ To care who we offend ♪

Yeah.

Hey, sweet thing, no hard feelings,

if you see where I'm going.

I have a feeling for you,

if you... know what I mean.

Hmm.

I wonder what she meant by that.

Huh?

Whoa!

Oh. Hey...

So if you had it to do all over again, would you?

I don't know.

I'd like to think that it accomplished something,

but I just can't say what.

Hey, look! I got an "A" in my solar system.

Mr. Pulman says it was the best one in class.

Oh, I'm very impressed, honey.

Thanks.

What made you go ahead with your project?

- Well, you inspired me. - Oh.

Watching them turn you into a tart on TV,

it got me to thinking.

Males are never gonna give us great jobs

like tree-pusher or astronomer.

We're gonna have to take 'em.

Uh, take my word for it, honey,

it won't be easy.

I know, but I think we can get males

to treat us like equals.

We're an advanced society.

How long could this take?