Original subtitles

Honey, I'm home.

Welcome back to DTV.

You're in a middle of a weekend of macho idiot rock.

That's right. All weekend long,

superficial adolescent male posturing

and shallow, meaningless songs.

Cool.

This special weekend's brought to you by BEER.

Next up, a smashing new band, Lyzzard Skyzzard.

This is their latest video,

which won them the DTV Music Award for Fastest Editing.

♪ Ow! I'm better than you ♪

♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ♪

♪ I'm better than you ♪

♪ You may have thought you ♪

♪ Were better than me ♪

♪ But I'm better than you ♪

♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ♪

Robbie, isn't that too loud?

Thanks, Mom. With cheese!

It's too loud!

And I don't like the values they portray.

Mom, you're overreacting.

Beer! Cigarettes! Chicks!

He could've heard that anywhere.

Where is he? Where is he?

Ahh, there's the birthday boy!

- Tomorrow's the big day! - Yeah!

Presents! Presents!

Hey, you betcha, presents, hats, streamers,

the works for your first birthday.

Even a pony!

- Pony? - That's right.

A big, juicy one, grilled to perfection.

Earl, you'll spoil him.

I want him to like me. Is that so wrong?

Honey, you have to earn his love.

That could take years.

I'm his daddy.

I want his love now,

genuine and unconditional,

and I'm willing to pay for it.

Look what Daddy got for you.

- Present! - Do you like me?

- Gimme! - I'm overwhelmed.

We're bonding all over the place.

Duh.

Earl, isn't he a little young for sports?

Never too young to learn the fundamentals.

Now, this bat may be a little too heavy for you. Ow!

Not the mama!

I should've seen that coming.

Ohh!

Fortunately, that didn't hurt a bit.

He's been out for a long time.

- Is he dead? - No, sweetheart.

If he were dead there'd be scavengers at the door.

It's my family, looking at me with love and concern.

He opened his eyes. I guess he's alive.

Not necessarily. It could just be an involuntary muscle response.

My adoring children. How I treasure them.

Again!

Is your father still unconscious?

Yeah, I put a pan under his chin to catch the drool.

That's very considerate.

What are we doing with all this stuff, Ma?

Your little brother's outgrown a lot of his baby clothes.

So I thought I'd pack them up and give them away.

- ♪ La la la ♪ - Even this?

Aw. That's the nest I made for him when he was just an egg.

Where is he?

♪ Take me out to the ballgame ♪

He's taunting me, Fran! Keep that kid away from me.

Mom, take a look at this nest. I don't think it's ours.

Of course it's ours.

She's right. There's a label on it.

- What? - Yeah.

Let's see.

"This is the property of Gus and Glenda Molehill.

If found, please squeeze into any mailbox.

Return postage guaranteed."

You got somebody else's nest.

That's not possible.

Your baby brother's egg was always in that nest

and the nest never left the house

except when I went to Lamaze class.

Well, was there a Mrs. Molehill in your Lamaze class?

Yes, there was,

but I don't see how we could've switched nests...

Unless it was the day of the earthquake.

Now, when the egg is ready, it will start to crack.

Even though there's not much for you to do,

Lamaze class can still be reassuring for you

and a big money maker for me.

I spent 200 bucks for this?

And my butt is falling asleep.

Most importantly, there's no refund.

If you don't like it, leave.

Earthquake! Still no refund.

What do you mean there's no refund?

Earthquake!

- My egg! - Get the egg!

Earthquake! Earthquake!

That's mine.

I think we have the wrong eggs.

I think you're right. They look so much alike.

They do.

I guess that's when it happened.

That's awfully fascinating.

Could you see if there's a dent in my head?

If the nests got switched, the eggs might have too.

Would somebody look for dents, please?

Then that other lady could've gotten Mom's egg

and Mom could've gotten her egg.

- Yeah. - Oh! Geez! Here's a dent.

I'm pretty sure there's brain damage.

Wait a minute, everybody, 'cause I think this is big.

Now, if you switched eggs,

that means we could have the wrong baby!

- Wow! - Hmm.

The wrong baby?

No! I refuse to even consider it.

And yet... hmm.

Earl, you're not seriously thinking...

What? Me?

No. I would never even suggest

that our adorable little cuddle bunny

might possibly belong to another lucky family.

The mind reels at the thought

that some other family might take away

our dimpled bundle of delight

legally and forever.

And who knows what we'd be left with in exchange?

The chances are that we'd never get another child

quite as precious as this one.

Ha!

Earl, he's our baby. A mother knows.

I don't know. The nest is pretty suspicious.

- He doesn't look like us. - Yeah. He's pink.

- None of us is pink. Isn't that weird? - Very.

Hey, we owe it to the child

to explore even the most terrible of possibilities.

As awful as it must seem,

and believe me, I take no joy in this,

we must call the Molehills.

Well, I don't know about that, Earl.

What if there's a problem?

That would be terrible.

Come on, come on.

Earl, you're not looking forward to this, are you?

No, dear. It's merely a brave facade.

On the inside I'm full of despair.

Whoa! Coming!

Hey, how you doing?

Gus Molehill, gotta love me!

Gotta love me!

Hey, nice digs. What do you do for food here?

Earl, I'm still not convinced.

Hey, this is my wife Glenda.

And this is my boy Aubrey.

So you must be the mama.

Yes.

I guess that makes you not the mama!

Not the mama!

Fran, he's a cute green kid.

Hey, my boy looks just like you, Earl.

Piggyback horsy! Piggyback!

I love this kid! He cracks me up!

Am I crazy or what?

Again!

Hi, there, little fella.

Juice? Is something wrong?

You're not gonna hit me?

Dear me, no. I just thought you might enjoy a beverage.

It's quite refreshing.

And with the safety nipple, you eliminate nasty spills.

- Hey, this tastes great! - Mmm.

You're a mighty nice little fella.

Oh, please, it's the least I can do.

After all, you've been such a gracious host.

Oh!

Thank you.

You know, this is my nest.

Isn't it funny how these silly little mix-ups happen?

This is horrible.

It can't be happening.

This rattle is fun and soothing.

It's my gift to you.

It's pretty obvious what happened here, huh, Earl?

I got your kid. You got mine.

Guess we got our eggs scrambled!

"Eggs scrambled." Hey, that's great.

Hey, thanks for taking care of the kid.

You know where to send his clothes, don't ya?

Yeah, sure.

He's had all his inoculations, hasn't he?

I... Stop right there!

- Put my baby down! - Uh...

Sweetheart, haven't you been listening?

He's not our baby.

If you let our baby go out that door,

I'll bite your face off!

Well, you can't argue with that logic.

You could, but it would be hard without lips.

How can you let this happen?

Aw, honey, I know it's upsetting to lose your child,

but, well, have you seen the one we're getting?

- You... - We're not exactly trading down.

Nobody is switching babies

until I see some absolute proof!

I will run a series of scientific tests on the babies

and compare our results in the lab

with these blood samples taken from each father.

Boy, did that hurt. Huh, Earl?

That didn't hurt a bit.

I just want this settled, once and for all, doctor, -

so I can take my baby and go home.

Hey, my baby, your baby,

let's let the expert decide that,

huh, sweetheart?

Now, listen here, you...

No, no, no, these battery of tests

will determine correct parentage

beyond any reasonable doubt.

They represent the absolute vanguard

of primitive science.

You're a quack!

Shh. He's a distinguished man of science.

- Shh! - Shh!

Quiet!

Oh! Sorry.

Professor, you have a lot of electricity working here.

I just thought I should tell you about a health condition...

More juice!

Again!

Again! Again! Again!

Round and round.

Let's go!

Yahoo! Faster!

I have your test results right here.

I know you're anxious to hear them.

I'm just awaiting one crucial piece of information

before I can release them to you.

- Yes? - La la.

The credit card cleared. Thank you.

- Yeah! - Oh, thank God. Good.

OK.

Here goes.

The green baby belongs to the Sinclairs,

and the pink baby belongs to the Molehills.

Science has spoken.

Now, take your babies, go home

and live the rest of your lives.

All right, son. I'll toss you the ball and you hit it.

- As you wish, Father. - Batter up.

- Oh! Heavens, missed that one. - Oh, bad throw! Sorry!

Another of my nose bleeds.

If you could just get me a tissue.

Robbie, get your brother a tissue.

Aw, geez, is he bleeding again?

I have a weak nasal membrane.

He's got a membrane. Get him a tissue!

That's all I do is bring him tissues and Q-tips and cotton balls.

Could I trouble you for tweezers?

I've gotten a splinter from this rough-hewn bat.

Shh! Don't talk. You'll pull a muscle.

Uh... tell you what.

Let's play something a little less physical.

How about a game of peek-a-boo?

- OK. - All right.

Now cover your eyes. I'll cover mine.

Now, where's Daddy? Where did he go?

- Father, Father! Where have you gone? - Huh?

Oh, oh! Don't abandon me!

I'm having an asthma attack!

It's all right. I'm here. Daddy's here!

- Where's my inhaler? - Inhaler? Inhaler?

Here it is. Here it is.

Ahh!

Oh, what a cruel, cruel game.

I felt so alone.

Promise me you'll never play that again, Father.

I promise, I promise. Just don't bleed.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Hi, I'm back from the market.

I got nearly everything on Aubrey's list

except the low-sodium goat cheese

and sugar-free tofu teething cookies.

Perhaps you could pop out after supper and check other stores.

Did you manage to change the linens in my crib?

They were left in quite a state by your previous child.

My previous child?

Come on, Frannie!

Our real son is celebrating his first birthday.

My baby is one year old, and I'm not there!

I just want to crawl into the woods and die!

Cake time!

Charlene, your mother wants some cake.

Fran, hey, no wonder you're feeling down.

You don't have a party hat.

Oh, my baby has been taken from me!

Oh, cake, cake! Cake, cake, cake, cake!

- That's it. Come on. - Here you go, Mom.

I want the knife! Give me the knife!

No cake. No cake.

What's the matter with Mom?

She's overwhelmed with happiness.

- Well, I got the tissues. - Give.

- Huh? - No! Come on, sweetie, now cheer up.

We're celebrating a new addition to our family.

- Everyone else is happy. - I'm not.

Me, either. The kid's a real zero. Oh, no offense.

None taken. Fortunately, I'm very well-adjusted.

You guys have got this all wrong.

This kid is the best!

Hey, watch this.

All right. Aubrey?

Yes?

- Here's a big bat. - Mm-hmm.

- Here's a big fat head. - Mm-hmm.

Now, what you gonna do about it?

Um... Um...

Um...

I haven't the foggiest.

Hey, is that the greatest?

Well, I'm happy.

I'll get it.

I don't care what science says.

I don't care what you say.

I want my baby back!

- My baby! - Oh, my baby!

- It's the mama! Ahh! - Oh!

People must be warned.

That child is totally, totally horrible!

Well, he does have high spirits.

He spit up all over the carpet!

What toddler hasn't?

- After eating the cat! - Eew.

Take your hands off my son!

I won't let that little pink monster back in my house!

Well, I'm not giving him up.

I'm nuts for the kid! We bonded!

Whoa! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Make a wish.

Earl, help me!

With you in a minute!

Let go of my boy!

My arms have a tendency to dislocate!

Stop it! You're adults.

Can't you settle this like adults?

What, weapons?

Costly litigation?

No. Solomon the Great.

- Oh! Solomon. - Yeah.

The great judge.

Yeah, he could settle this once and for all.

He's the wisest dinosaur of them all.

Capital idea.

If he's so wise, how come he doesn't have a house?

You seek an audience with Solomon the Great?

Right, Your Wiseness.

You ask that I decide the rightful parents of the pink child?

Yes, please.

If I am to resolve this dispute,

you must agree to abide by my decision without question.

Mm-hm.

And you?

- Sure thing. - We do.

You claim this pink baby as your own?

Well, I do.

You also claim this boy?

With all my heart.

Then, in my divine wisdom,

there is only one equitable solution:

To divide the child in two.

- Huh? - Oh.

Earl, we can't let him do this.

Silence!

Do not question the wisdom of Solomon the Great.

My powers are beyond the comprehension of mere mortals.

And now I shall perform the miracle of divine justice

with the help of my lovely assistant Ramona!

Oh!

Yes.

Yeah!

Ha!

Nice box.

Mr. Sinclair, if you would,

bring me the pink baby.

Oh, yeah!

Now, place the child completely in the box,

head there, feet here.

Head there, feet there. Watch it.

Mr. Sinclair, we've never met before, is that correct, sir?

Yes, that is correct, sir.

And no money has changed hands between us?

None whatsoever.

Well, then how do I have... your wallet?

Wow!

That's wonderful!

Yay! Yay!

Mr. Sinclair, as you can see,

this is an ordinary box.

There are no hidden panels, so secret compartments,

just a simple, wooden box.

Yes, it looks OK to me.

You may step back now. Thank you.

How about a hand for Mr. Sinclair?

Oh, well, thank you. Thank you.

And thank you.

- Look. It's empty. - And now...

for the moment of justice.

Ramona!

The blades!

Blades! What?

Yes. Hup!

No flash photography, please.

And now, one child shall become two!

Unless somebody has a problem with that.

- Stop! - Yes. That's it.

I can't let you do this. I can't let you harm our child.

I would rather let the other family take him than see him hurt.

Oh, Frannie, how can we let him go?

He's ours.

You really want him back, Earl?

I do.

This is great!

I am truly moved by your selflessness

and love for this child.

But too late!

No!

Again!

Oh!

There.

Oh, don't look at me like that.

I'm so, so sorry, little feet.

I promise I'll make it up to you.

We can't play baseball, but I can teach you soccer.

Doh!

Not the mama!

Oh, nice kick!

That's my half-boy.

This stinks!

What am I gonna do with half a kid?

Come on, Glenda, let's grab the kid that's still in one piece

before they start dicing him up too.

Here you go, Sinclair. You can take my half.

I'll take it.

Good luck to you.

Goodbye, erstwhile Mom and Dad.

- Thank you for the kind hospitality. - Yeah.

He's my son... or sons.

I don't care if they cut him up into 1,000 pieces,

I'd still take him home.

Of course, I'd have to make a few more trips, but...

I'd still do it.

Now, those were the words that I was waiting to hear,

that you love and accept the child unconditionally.

That is the sign of a true parent.

And so you shall have your child back, complete and whole.

Ramona!

Ah. Ah. Ah.

Ow! Again!

Ah. Ta-da!

My baby!

It's the mama!

Great to have you back, kid!

You know, Fran, there's only one thing that gnaws at me.

Science has told us that he's not really our child.

I only wish there was some way I could change that.

Ahh, a request from the audience.

Ramona! The grand finale!

Oh!

There was a mix-up at the lab.

My findings are entirely incorrect.

I apologize completely.

Yay!

- That takes care of that. - Yeah!

Well, you've been a terrific audience.

That's our show. Thank you and good night.

Hey, Fran, isn't it wonderful that we live in such a modern age?

Oh, yes.