Original subtitles

Honey, I'm home.

Whoa! There she is, Caroline Foxworth.

Who could resist beauty like that?

She has it all.

A perfectly smooth complexion, with just a hint of a nose,

The kind of aqua scales a guy could get lost in

and a tail that wraps right around my heart.

I mean, I've asked girls out before,

but how do you approach a reptilian goddess?

Huh?

- Ha! - Ohh!

- Ha! - Pardon me.

The name's Sinclair. Robert Sinclair.

Nah. That bites. She'd see through that.

It's gotta be something more real, more believable.

Yeow!

'Ello, gorgeous.

Me and the lads are headin' back to trash the hotel room.

Like to come?

Waaah!

Ohh... Oh!

Oh... My goodness.

Are you OK?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine. I, uh...

Good.

Dropped my... racket.

Well, it's a start.

I talked to her. She knows who I am.

Yeah, everybody knows. You're a complete idiot.

Hey! It's OK To make mistakes. It's part of growing up.

Yeah, it's part of growing up a complete idiot.

OK, you're so smart, what do you say to girls?

How do I know? I'm you.

Huh?

Unfortunately I'm all booked up for Friday and Saturday night,

but, uh, how about the Sunday matinee?

Oh, oh, Spike!

Apparently, that's what you say to girls.

Yeah, but that's Spike, you know.

He's sleazy, slimy...

Hey! He's booked up for the weekend.

But I'm much better looking than him.

Hey! No argument here.

What am I doing? She's making me crazy!

I'm talking to my locker!

Ohh! I got to forget about Caroline Foxworth.

Forget about girls. Who needs 'em?

I'll have more time for studying, my friends, my family.

- Wussy! - Huh?

Puppets!

To which Lord Burlington replied,

"Madam, that is not my wife. That is the archbishop!"

That would explain

his reluctance to dance with me, yes.

That and his dreadful taste in hats.

Oh dear!

Hey, Franny, you got to see this puppet show.

It's terrific.

Earl, that's for kids.

You'd think that because they're puppets,

so it seems to have a children's aesthetic,

yet the dialogue is unquestionably sharp-edged, witty,

and thematically skewed to adults.

Oh, look.

Here comes our neighbor, Mr. Argyle.

Ahh! Good day to you, lassie and laddie.

Where's that athletic son of yours, eh?

Well he's...

Hello, Mummy and Daddy.

He's here.

Look who I brought home for dinner.

Oh! Don't you bring that pair of hose into this house!

I'm tellin' you, Fran, this show works on two levels.

They look like puppets.

I'm not watching.

Hello, Mom. Hello, Dad. It's good to be home. How are you?

We're fine, dear. How was your day?

Fine! And it wasn't humiliating, it wasn't degrading,

and it certainly wasn't emasculating, OK?

OK!

That's not what I heard.

What did you hear?

I don't think Robbie would want me to tell.

- It's pretty embarrassing. - I understand.

So here's what happened.

Robbie's got the hots for Caroline Foxworth.

She's totally out of his league.

So today he tried to ask her out.

That meant he had to put a few sentences together

and, of course, that was the end of that.

Ha!

Earl, I think he may need a father-son talk.

How come I always have to do those?

There are times when a boy needs a strong male influence.

- Now get in there! - Whoa!

Yes, dear.

Son, your mother thinks it's time we had a father-son talk.

So... if we just sit here quietly for a few minutes

and move our mouths we'll both be off the hook.

That's fine with me.

And now back to Love Confession.

So, Sandra, tell us about your date with Bob.

Well, Chuck, he picked me up at eight

and he wasn't very good-looking.

He tried to kiss me,

- and he was a bad kisser. - Huh?

I don't think he'd ever been out with a girl before.

He kept telling jokes that weren't funny at all.

To tell the truth, Chuck, I felt sorry for him.

Well, Sandra, let's see how Bob felt about the evening.

Oh...

Maybe we should talk.

Dad, when you were my age,

did you have a lot of experience with girls?

Hey! When it came to sowing wild oats,

I was quite the seamstress.

So, what do girls want anyway?

Ahh, the age-old question.

What do girls want?

Um...

Well, first of all, you can forget anything we want,

which basically leaves... curtains.

Curtains?

It's inexplicable, Son, but that's what they want,

and they want 'em in every room.

But, if we have nothing in common with them,

why do we spend our whole lives letting them drive us crazy?

I've often asked that myself.

After all, males are most at home in the company of other males.

Take Roy for example. He's my best friend.

We have a lot in common,

but whenever I see him at night,

when the moonlight bathes his face in a soft, romantic glow...

it sends me running home to your mother.

Yeah. So how did you

approach a female on your first date?

Aah, first one?

Well, I'll have to think back.

Oh, yeah! I remember.

I went up to her and I said,

"Hi, Fran. Want to go out?"

And she said yes. Then I proposed,

so I'd never have to go through that again.

I said yes because your father has

what females are most attracted to in a male...

Sensitivity.

Sensitivity? Huh.

Aw, jeez.

Robbie, are you OK?

Oh, it's just something I heard in science class.

The continents, they're drifting apart,

and I feel that somehow it's my fault.

I guess I'm just a little... sensitive.

Robbie, I've never seen this side of you before.

- Yeah. - It's really pathetic.

Huh?

Hmmm.

Nice technique. You learn that one from your mommy?

Hey, I'm doin' OK here. She'll come around. Give her time.

I don't know, kid. You want her to come around in this lifetime,

you might want to try something that, uh, works...

Just for a change of pace.

Oh, and you have all the answers?

Oh, I think I know enough to get you...

oh, like, how about any girl you want?

Yeah? Like how?

Listen, skippy, I have a busy schedule.

- Time is money. - What do you want from me?

Money.

You expect me to pay you?

You expect me to talk to you?

That's crazy! I don't need your help that bad.

Oh, "The continents are drifting apart." That's very good.

All right, all right. Uh... Ten dollars to start OK?

Hmm. All right, that pays for the last five minutes.

OK, this is a very popular young female,

so you have to move in on the competition.

Now, have you seen her talking to any other males?

You mean like boyfriends?

Any other males!

She was just talking to Mr. Pullman, the science teacher.

Kill him.

But couldn't I do something more romantic?

Ah! Hearts are romantic.

You could tear his out and give it to her.

Uh, I was thinking something more like an ID bracelet.

Oh, no! This civilization thing has got you whipped good.

Yeah, but isn't that what girls like?

First of all, platehead, she's not a girl, she's an animal.

You're an animal, so act like an animal.

So what am I supposed to do, grunt at her?

- Ah! Breakthrough. - Yeah.

Hey, there she is again.

Here's your chance, sparky.

What do I do, just growl?

Growl, give her a good sniff.

You're an animal. Just do what comes natural.

OK.

Yeah.

Go on.

Robbie! What are you doing?

Uh...

Oh!

Hey! Hey! Congratulations!

You made a very big impression.

- She hit me! - You got yourself some tail!

Hmm? Yeah. Maybe I did.

You're on your way, kid. Good luck. Bye-bye.

Uh... Wait! Wait! I could use some more advice.

Hmm. What a coincidence.

I could use some more money.

OK.

OK, this is her house,

this is her yard, this is her shrubbery. We're here.

Yeah, all right, so... So I throw pebbles at the window,

she looks out, and then you hide behind the tree

and whisper poems for me to say?

Grow up, scooter.

Did you drink the water like I told you to?

Yeah. Eight glasses. I sure could use a bathroom.

That is why we're here, Sinclair.

When a young male wants to claim a female,

he stakes his claim by marking her territory.

So... go ahead,

knock yourself out.

Um... OK.

Uh...

OK, OK, OK.

Hey, I can't do this!

Think about what's at stake.

Think about Caroline.

Think about... putting your hand in some warm water.

Ooh... Ooh... Ooh!

Now what's the matter?

I can't mark territory when somebody's watching me.

Fine. So start on the other side of the house.

Oh, OK.

And don't hit your shoes,

or you're walking home alone.

Gotcha.

Attention! This is the police!

Hey, we got company, Sinclair!

Shake a leg!

Oh, boy.

Hey! You there! Somebody put a lot of love in that garden!

You cut that out!

I don't think I can.

Hmm? All right!

Eh?

Come on out of there!

Evening, Officer...

The fun's over, boys. You're under arrest.

Come on!

Hey! OK, OK.

George, grab that bush. It's evidence.

Huh? You grab it!

Hey! Excellent work, Sinclair.

Huh?

You got her attention.

Uh...

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Ohh!

Come on!

But they're just boys, Officer.

That may be, Mrs. Sinclair,

but the commission of a number one is a very serious offense.

Mm-hm.

Let me handle this.

Uh... Officers, my wife doesn't understand

the intricacies of the criminal justice system.

I'm sure there's some sort of arrangement we could come to...

just between us, that's to everyone's mutual benefit.

- Are you trying to bribe us? - No!

- Because we think you should. - Yeah.

Oh. So, what, I just hand you the cash?

Right.

And we hand you these tickets

to a charity event that was never held.

Thank you. I'm sure I had a good time.

Good night. Bye!

- Thank you. - Bye.

Bye!

Crooks.

Oh, boy. What a day. Well, good night, everybody.

- Sit down! - Oh.

From this point on you will speak only when spoken to.

I have things to say to you and your hoodlum friend.

- Do we have to listen to this? - Hey!

Don't stop him. This is great.

The mommy-daddy ritual, reading the riot act,

putting your parental foot down.

It's a beautiful thing.

Do your stuff.

This is how you choose to spend your evening?

Breaking the law? Making a nuisance of yourself?

Excuse me.

I gotta stop you there, Mr. Sinclair.

Tonight's exploits were, in fact, not young Robert's fault.

Oh?

He's the victim of peer pressure.

He's fallen in with a bad influence.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

I filled his head with a lot of questionable ideas.

Can I get anybody anything?

- A brewski, Mr. Sinclair? - Oh, thank you.

Earl! The police just brought your son home.

Let the male of the household handle this one, Fran.

You go upstairs.

Things could get pretty rough in here when I lay into these boys.

Yeah. Yeah.

Right.

Hey, you want a glass with this?

Oh, appreciate it.

Uh, now! Uh... Uh...

Where was I?

You were pointing the fatherly finger of blame.

And even though young Robbie was caught

with his pants down, so to speak,

he was merely pursuing the female of the species.

And I'm sure even you, as a youth,

fell prey to a well-turned tail.

Am I right?

Well, I may have played love's fool

once or twice.

Ow! Oof!

That's what happened to me, Dad!

Caroline Foxworth's on my mind all the time.

I can't think straight.

It's the ladies, Mr. Sinclair.

We males are just the victims.

They weave their spells. They confuse our minds.

They break our hearts,

and who ends up in trouble with the police?

We do!

Oh, you're right!

- Yes. - Yes.

Upsy-daisy there, sir.

Uh... Glad to be of help.

Thank you.

I see it all now.

It's all so clear.

Earl, is everything all straightened out now?

- You bet it is. It was you! - Me?

You foul temptress, weaver of spells!

What?

Don't try to cloud my mind.

These boys are mere victims of the treachery of you females.

Where's Spike?

He's right...

Did you let Spike just walk out of this room?

Well, I...

Did you lose control of the entire situation?

Lose control? I'm the mighty megalosaurus!

Yes, dear.

Robbie, go to your room.

But Dad said...

I don't care what he said! You're grounded.

Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.

- Grouch! - Franny?

You know, I'm sure Robbie didn't notice,

but it's kind of embarrassing when you undercut my authority like that.

You're making that noise again, sweetheart,

just like the last time you were right

and I was really, really wrong.

I'm on the couch again tonight, aren't I?

I can't believe...

Night-night.

Doh!

Ahh, jeez!

- Open up. - I don't like that.

What?

I don't like that.

I don't like that.

Eat this!

- OK. Ahh. - Ahh.

All right, now look. Be a good baby brother

and fall asleep or something.

How come you're the baby-sitter?

Because I got grounded.

- I'm your punishment? - Yep.

I like that.

I'm happy you're happy.

Why did you get grounded?

Because of this girl Caroline.

She nice?

Yeah, she's pretty hot.

- Hot! Don't touch! - No.

This is the kinda hot you want to touch.

I don't get it.

Neither do I.

I'm ho-ome!

Who ca-ares?

Uh, can I get you something? Juice? Milk?

Eight glasses of water?

Eat tar and die.

Be nice, or I won't tell you who I saw at the mall.

Who cares?

Not interested in Caroline Foxworth anymore?

She's hot! Wanna touch!

Spike thought so. He was, like, all over her.

What?

I upset you? What was I thinking?

Oh, now I remember.

Spike and Caroline talking together at the same table.

- I'm sure it was innocent. - That back-stabbing lizard!

Taking advantage of the situation to move in on my girl!

Don't be ridiculous. It's not his fault you're grounded.

- Oh, wait. It is. - I can't believe this!

Shame you got to sit here all night long worrying about it.

Good night!

I don't get it.

I heard you got thrown out of your old school

because you ate the principal.

I have a little problem with authority.

Hey! You got a bigger problem than that.

You talking to me, squirt?

I don't see any other back-stabbing,

bottom-feeding, scum-sucking maggot in this hall.

Oh! Such language.

You kiss your mommy with that mouth?

Oh! You're good.

You got me grounded, then you moved right in.

Pardon me a minute, my lovely.

The boy needs a little adult supervision.

Don't you need to get home

and rotate the tires on your scooter, scooter?

Oh, yeah? Rotate this!

All right, all right. How's this for primitive?

Impressive. Now toss me on the floor and kick me in the ribs.

What?

You wanted the girl,

I'm getting you the girl.

Now come on.

Show her you're an animal. Kick me.

Uh...

Take that! And this!

- And that! - Jeez!

- And that! - Nice.

- I think you've had enough. - Agreed.

Just stay away from my female from now on!

You got it.

- Ha! - Thanks.

Sorry you had to see that, little lady.

So am I. That was unbelievably immature.

- What? - What?

You acted like a couple of wild animals.

It was disgusting.

Girls like that. You're supposed to want to go out with me now.

If you want to go out with me,

why do this all this phony, macho posturing?

Why don't you just ask me out?

Well, do you want to go out?

No.

Huh?

She blew me off.

Well, situations like this happen, scooter.

No one's to blame... certainly not me.

I want my money back.

A fine display of male aggressiveness like that,

and she walks away.

I tell you, Sinclair, civilization is killing romance.

Hey, buddy, I want my money back.

Look, we both know that's not going to happen.

But for your investment so far,

I'm prepared to offer you the following.

- Huh? - You get to hang out with me.

Why would I want to?

You didn't deliver. You didn't get me the girl.

Hey, look, scooter, I always get the girl. I never miss.

I hang out with you, I miss.

You're trouble for me. You're bringing my average down.

What you think we ought to do about that? Huh?

- You never miss? - Nope.

- Not once? - Ask around.

Maybe I just need to hang around with you more.

Could be.

I don't have any more money.

- Got any food in your house? - Yeah.

Well, we'll talk.

Oh, Spike. Where you going?

I was going to your house.

- What kinda food you got? - All kinds.

- Got any girls there? - No.

You're supposed to find me girls.

Oh, yeah. That's what I do.